Sirius is exhausted. Extremely tired of the feeling that she's playing pretend all the time, that he has to be the person the people want him to be or she will end up disappointing everyone.
She sighs and pushes the door open, trying to make little to no noise in case Remus is sleeping. He kneels and takes his boots off, leaving them on the side.
She starts to make his way through the house, feeling the day heavy on her shoulders, when he hears low humming from the kitchen. She heads there immediately smiling.
When he enters the kitchen she sees Remus making tea and nodding his head along with the melody coming from his mouth, which Sirius knows is an old song he loves.
She smiles and giggles softly at the sight, Remus looks up, finally noticing her and smiles back.
"Hello, beautiful." Sirius' chest suddenly feels heavy and she fights the urge to start crying immediately. Instead, he walks closer to Remus and hugs him, hiding her face on his neck.
"Hi back at you." She whispers.
Remus strokes her hair softly, and Sirius feels tears in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" Remus' voice comes out worried, because of course he notices, and Sirius just shakes his head. "Do you want to talk?" Sirius shrugs, still hugging him. "Okay, let's go sit on the couch."
Sirius steps back and grabs Remus' tea, he smiles in thanks and grabs his cane. They both make their way to the living room in silence, and when they get there, they sit on opposite sides on the couch, facing each other. Sirius leaves Remus' tea on the coffee table.
"Hip giving you trouble?" Sirius whispers, not wanting to break the soft moment being too loud.
"Luckily not much for now, I'll tell you tomorrow if it gets worse." Sirius nods, knowing that, finally, after a long time and a lot of fights, Remus allows himself to be vulnerable with her.
She looks at the floor, trying to ignore the feeling on his chest that just won't go. He hears Remus' sigh. "Come here, sweetheart."
He moves on the couch, opening his legs for Sirius to lay there and, naturally, Sirius just goes. He places herself in Remus embrace, careful to not put much weight on him or make him uncomfortable or in pain.
They lay there in silence for a while, Remus strokes Sirius' hair and returns to humming the same melody from the kitchen. Sirius knows he's giving her time, waiting for him to want to talk and she's grateful for that.
Sirius feels more calm already, but he knows she has to talk about it so she sighs. "Do you ever feel like you have to be some kind of version of yourself for people to like you?"
Remus stops humming, and nods at her to continue, knowing he still has some things to say.
"It's not even being someone who you're not, just a slightly different version of yourself, or someone who you used to be and not anymore. Or someone you are some days but some days just don't want to." Sirius is not sure he's making any sense.
Remus keeps caressing her hair and speaks softly. "Why don't you try to explain to me how you feel? Instead of wanting me to relate."
Sirius sighs and closes her eyes, swallowing hard. "I sometimes feel like everyone expects so much from me, even myself."
"How?" Remus asks, whispering.
"It's just like I have to keep being the Sirius I was on school; the Sirius who doesn't take bullshit from anyone, the rebellious one, the disowned child, the one who can't accept someone else's authority. And I know those are still part of my personality, I'm not ashamed or anything. It's just that I've grown since then, I'm an adult now, I respect authority, I have a job where sometimes I have to tolerate bullshit from some people, just like you and all of our friends also have to. And it doesn't mean I suddenly like it or that I've lost my ideals"
"Naturally."
Sirius grabs Remus' hands that are sitting on her stomach and starts fidgeting with his fingers.
"It's not like people do it on purpose but sometimes remarks like 'wow what happened to you, Sirius', or something like that, make me wonder if I've change a lot, and in a bad way. What if I lost myself?" Remus hums. "But also, I know I was seen as the rebellious one just because of my family; my ideals were and still are the same as the ideals that pretty much all of our friends have, but you guys had wonderful families who agreed, or who let you question things. I was the rebellious one because of my family, and then I became the disowned one. And it makes me think-"
Sirius feels the tears on her eyes start to fall and suppress a sob. "Am I always going to be defined by my family? Is it all i am?"
"Sirius…"
"What if I don't want to keep being the rebellious one? What if I don't want to be the disowned Black child? What I want to be just Sirius?"
"You're not that, sweetheart."
"Moony." Sirius turns to look at Remus' face with tears falling from her eyes. "What if I'm not sharp edges and mischief like I used to be? What if I'm just too soft for all of it?"
"What then, beautiful?" Remus frowns.
"Would you still love me if I'm not the same person you fell for anymore?" Sirius sobs.
"Sirius." Remus grabs her face and smiles sweetly at him. "I find myself falling for you every single day of my life, over and over again. I did not fall for you just once and a long time ago, I just… keep doing it."
Sirius sobs and hides his face in Remus' neck, aware of the painfully uncomfortable position she's in.
"You're not just that Sirius, you never were. You were always soft words and acts of service for everyone, you learned to be a parent before you even learned to talk, you care for people, you love so much that it consumes you and sometimes you don't even notice you're putting others before you. You sing softly and beautifully and make our house a home, a caring and loving home. You are soft, Sirius."
Sirius sobs more loudly and Remus resumes his caressing touches on her hair. "You also have a lot of strong ideals, you don't hesitate to speak if you think something is unfair and to defend the vulnerable ones.
"You are complex, you have different days and different moods. You have changed your mind since school and you also have maintained some things. You are human, sweetheart."
She can hear Remus' soft smile on his voice.
"You don't have to get everything right, you don't have to fight injustices everyday if you're just too tired for it or don't feel like it. No one expects you to, and if someone does, please tell them that I said that they can go fuck themselves."
Sirius laughs softly.
"Talk to me when your head is being a lot, I'll bear it with you, beautiful."
She takes her head out of Remus' neck and looks at him, slightly aware that she's probably a mess right now.
"And Sirius, hear me out." Sirius looks at Remus' eyes, honest and fierce. "Your family are the Potter's, your family is James, Regulus, Lily, Peter, your friends. I am your family, we are a family. The Back's don't define you because they're nothing to you, okay? Not even your last name, let's just pretend that's only yours and Reg's." Sirius laughs between full sobs.
"I love you." Sirius manages to say, giving him a peck on the lips. Remus smiles.
Sirius goes back to his position, feeling better than she had the whole day. She keeps playing with Remus' hands.
"I love you too, my love." Remus says and returns to the humming of that song again. Sirius smiles, content with just listening to him and feeling him there.
He feels herself slowly falling asleep when suddenly Remus' humming stops, Sirius opens his eyes and frowns. "Oh, I forgot about my tea."
She laughs.
All that he ever wanted in her life is this. Remus' sweet nothings.