success.
all i ever cared about was success.
for everyone.
for my friends. for my family. for all my life, all i ever wanted was for my friends to be successful.
so i studied. i worked hard. but not too hard. i wanted them to be winners. not me. never me. so i got amazing scores. and i joined the quidditch team. and i became captain. only after they were all fine with it.
and it was good.
and they were happy.
study buddy needed? im here.
tutor needed? im here.
the first ever time i tutored someone was first year.
remus lupin.
one of my best friends.
he was such a bright child. grumpy yes. but amazing.
however he was illiterate.
so i helped him. he was embarrassed at first. i helped him.
now hes the top of the class.
now he is a tutor.
he reads all the time.
and i helped.
the second person i tutored was regulus black.
sirius blacks brother.
my best friends brother.
and i fell for him. like the idiot i was.
i dont know why he needed tutoring at first. siri always said he was smart. mum and dads favorite son he would say.
and he was smart.
and i developed a small crush.
but who would ever like me?
so i helped him.
led him to success.
and it worked.
and they were all successful.
my parents were proud of my success too. smartest in some classes. quidditch captain. alays bringing home awards.
i love them. so much. and they love me back.
right?
the summer of 5th year.
i was lying awake in my bed. contemplating whatever.
just got back from a long run.
however something was keeping me awake. i was cold. i was tired. i was hungry. i was sweaty.
but there was something else.
i turn around in bed to look at the clock.
23:52
i should be asleep.
i close my eyes. finally. i start to drift off.
SNAP
what the fuck was that
i jump out of my bed. i hear screaming. i hear my parents in the living room. talking. trying to cal someone down maybe?
i grab my wand and head down the stairs.
more screaming.
i look into the doorway and gaze into the living room.
sirius and regulus.
sirius orion black.
and regulus arcturus black.
my sirius.
my regulus.
crying. bleeding. twitching.
in my living room.
what. the. fuck.
-----------------------------------------
walburga and orion black are my opps.
i hate them.
its been two weeks since the incident.
they are almost recovered.
walburga and orion tortured them. at the same time. cruciatus. for minutes on end.
reg had a broken rib and ankle.
siri fractured his wrist.
he got him and reg out of there by used to floo.
reg has taken up running with me. i like him. a lot. i dont know how i will tell siri. one day i will. but not now.
the first time was a week after the incident.
i was at the doorway tying my shoes. siri and reg got healed by my dad and were both physically fine. mentally not so much.
reg hides it better. but i can see through him.
sirius just hides in his room. or invites moony over. i think they are dating. they wont tell me though.
sometimes they twitch. sometimes they flinch. whenever theres a sudden movement. whenever we use our wands. they try to hide it. i notice.
i was tying my shoes when i felt something behind me.
reg.
“can i come run with you?” he asked. it was so quiet. i almost didnt hear him.
he was wearing a shirt and some gym shorts. he looked cute. i would never admit it. i knew he was still trying to get comfortable around me.
“well? are you going to just keep staring or will you answer my question?”
there he is. the reg i know. the sassy king.
“of course you can reggie! you dont even have to ask.” i responded. i hoped i didnt seem to desperate.
“dont call me that. its regulus.” he said with an eye roll and walked out the door. i followed him like a dog on a leash.
hes an amazing running partner. kept a good pace with me. didnt try to talk. remus cant run much so i stopped asking him. marls talks the whole time. sirius is good to run with but he is more of a jogger.
but reg. my reg.
he looks so beautiful. so at peace. i almost run into a pool because im so distracted by him.
i think he noticed. he didnt say anything though.
it was 9 by the time we got back. we ran 3 miles. it was nice and chilly for a summer day.
mum made waffles for breakfast.
siri ate with us today. he even made some small talk.
reg barely eats anymore. i know sirius notices. he used to have eating problems. he tries to get reg to eat a little bit. it works.
i just push my food around my plate and vanish it when they arent looking.
my appetite has been sparse recently. i make sure no one notices.
one morning it started raining before our run. it was 6 weeks after the incident.
we played tag.
reg is tiny. he fit through the crawl space. i used to pretend i was Coraline while going through it when i was a child. now i cant fit.
i ran into the living to the other side of the crawl space and saw reggie sitting there. he was curled up with hs back on the wall.
it looked like he was crying. before he cries he gets this look on his face. a look of fear.
“are you ok reg?” i asked, letting the nickname slip out.
he didnt care. he started trembling. soon i hear a sob break through his mesmerizing lips.
the tears streaked down his face. they pooled around his mouth and made it look like he was crying.
i sat down next to him and put my arm around him. he cuddled up close to me. i tried to stop the butterflies in my stomach but i swear you could see them coming out of my ears and filled the room.
“whats up reg? talk to me.”
“never catch me jamie. please. never miss me at all.” he whimpered. started crying even harder and layed his head in my lap.
my heart broke when he said that. i didnt even process the nickname until later in the day.
i suddenly realized i never responded. despite my brain warning my mouth not to speak, i still did.
“i love you reg, you cut it out.”
what. the. fuck. is. my. problem.
he paused. he tensed up. i did too. i understand why. it was fucked up of me.
he mumbled something. i was too zoned out to catch it. he got up and glided on the wood floors, up the stairs, and into his room. i heard his dorm slam shut.
i sat there for what seemed like hours.
i finally got up and went outside to our make shift pitch.
i need to win.
i need to prove that i am enough.
that night mum make pasta for dinner.
reg’s favorite.
he kept playing with his food.
“are you going to eat anything regulus?” mum asked.
i paused. why would she say that?
reg paused too. sirius kept eating.
i looked up to see what reg was doing. he was crying. silently crying. ive seen this happen before.
during classes. during meals. sometimes at the table with my family.
“of course i am mrs potter. im sorry for playing with my food. it wont happen again.” he said. he sounded so proper. then something happened i didnt expect to happen.
sirius looked up. “reg no. she didnt mean it like that.”
i looked at my mom. she looked confused.
reg got but with his plate and started walking. when he got up his fork fell on the floor.
then he broke.
he stopped mid step.
and started crying.
“i am so sorry mrs potter. it wont happen again. please forgive me. ill let you do anything please forgive me”
my mom tried to calm him down but he set his plate down and got onto his knees with his head down.
she looked at him with a curious gaze as he continued to cry.
“reggie..”
sirius whispered.
“reggie you are safe.”
sirius walked up to him and started comforting him.
“is it ok if we are dismissed for bed?” he asked with his arm supporting reg.
“of course boys. have a good nights rest.” dad said.
i headed up to my room soon after. i helped mum and dad clean up and told them what happened.
their parents would make them get into that position on the floor for beatings. whenever they did something out of turn.
mum and dad understand now.
03:56
i still couldnt sleep.
i felt like something was going to happen. i needed to be there for whatever it was. i haven't slept in a week.
nothing felt real anymore.
then i heard it.
a slight scream from the room next to me.
panting through the wall.
i practically jump out of bed and run to reg’s room.
i turn on his light and spot him sitting up on his bed with his back against the wal.
hes crying. hyperventilating. panicking.
another nightmare.
“can i touch you reg?”
i see him nod.
i get into bed with him and lay him on my lap.
i regulate his breathing.
after about ten minutes hes calm again.
still crying.
but his breathing is normal.
and he can talk.
“what was it this time?” i asked.
i was running my hands through his hair. it helps calm him down.
“you.” he mumbled in response.
i paused my movement.
what?
“did i hurt you? did i do something? ill stop whatever i did reg.” i replied in a panic.
he placed his hand on my hand that was in his hair, urging it to kep moving.
“it was about you leaving. i like you a lot james. i love you. but im not worth you. you could do so much better. i have so much trauma. i will never be normal james.” he said. not facing me anymore.
i could hear his shaky breathes. he was about to cry again. i start threading my fingers through his hair and messaging his scalp again.
i dont know why he thought any of that.
“i love you, reg, i dont care.”