Unforeseen Circumstances
Say it once again with feeling
How the death rattle breathing
Silenced as the soul was leaving
The deflation of our dreaming
Leaving me bereft and reeling
February 14th, 1977
“Have the two of you got any plans then?”
James looks at Remus’ reflection in the mirror. He’s currently tying his tie, getting ready for Slughorn’s Valentine’s Party. At first, James thought it was rather insensitive, still hosting the party considering what happened last night. Others felt the same way, since Lily questioned Slughorn about his decision to still host. According to him, it’s important to maintain a semblance of normalcy in unprecedented times like this. "Unity and good times," Slughorn said. “Further,” he reminded Lily, “You’re all children. There’s no need to involve you in a war that isn’t yours to fight.”
When Lily repeated that statement back to the Gryffindors at the table, James impulsively pushed his plate away from him, his stomach lurching. Giving in to impulse, he glanced at the Slytherin table, only to catch Regulus sitting with the usual boys, the rest of them speaking in hushed tones, frantically. Regulus, however, looked blank. Completely unbothered. Uniform curls, pressed robes, and smooth, pale skin. Not a hair out of place. You never would have guessed that he just learned that a Muggle woman was tortured in front of her young children and her entire neighborhood was burnt to ashes. For privacy and safety’s sake, Remus’ parents being targeted was not mentioned in the paper. James isn’t sure if Dumbledore even informed the Ministry that they were the cause. Probably not, seeing how it’d likely get linked back to Remus and his condition in the process. Maybe without that extra bit of detail, Regulus just isn’t as affected by attacks like these. They happen all the time now. It’s possible he’s become desensitized to them now. James thought he had been as well, up until last night.
For a moment, James wondered if Regulus even knew yet. Maybe he hadn’t had his turn reading the Prophet. Surely, if he knew, there’d be some kind of sign to signify his disgust toward what had happened. Even if it was just something small—a raise of an eyebrow or the crinkle of his nose. Something for James to recognize, and cling to, along with Regulus’ morality.
“No,” James shakes his head. He furrows his brow, working on his tie still. “Nothing planned at least. It’s hard to get away these days. I assume I’ll see him after the party.” He looks back at Remus. “You?”
Remus shrugs. “Gave him a little gift—nothing big. It still feels…I don’t know, odd, I guess. I don’t know if I’m supposed to do the same things other couples do.”
“I think you are,” James responds, pulling his robes over his shoulders. “Why wouldn’t you?”
“We’re not exactly like other couples,” Remus laughs, disbelieving. “You of all people understand what I mean, don’t you?”
James hesitates. He knows that couples like him and Regulus, or Remus and Sirius, are different, but he doesn’t want it to be that way. He doesn’t think it should be. When they’re all alone, they’re not any different. He doesn’t think they feel any different than other couples either. “I guess so.”
Remus tilts his head at James, clearly studying him. Uncomfortable, James clears his throat, running a hand through his hair. “How are you feeling today, Moony? Still shaken up after yesterday? You know we don’t have to—”
“Nope,” Remus cuts him off. They’ve had this conversation already. Remus is done with it. He also despises the offer to ditch Slughorn’s party, which makes little to no sense, considering he’d usually be dying to get out of it.
“Fine,” James huffs out a laugh, shaking his head slightly. “Sirius downstairs already?”
“Yeah,” Remus nods. “Waiting with Lils, I assume.”
“Right,” James pulls his robes over his shoulders. “Off we go then.”
—
“I don’t like how quiet the Slytherins are after last night’s attack,” Sirius grumbles to the three of them. James glances at him out of the corner of his eye, his chest tightening.
“You give them too much credit,” Lily dismisses. “They’re just boys. They don’t know anything more than we do.”
“Y’know, Evans, I’d agree with that, usually,” Sirius murmurs. “Not this time though. Usually after things like this, they’re boastful—proud and smug and all that shit. Today though? Barely any reaction. It’s suspicious if you ask me.”
“You’re always suspicious, Padfoot,” Remus replies. “Maybe it caught them off guard. Maybe mummy and daddy didn’t give them a heads up on this one.”
“Maybe,” Sirius trails off, brow furrowing. “Maybe not. I just have this feeling that there’s something more to it.”
“Let’s drop it,” James mutters. “We’re practically there. I’m not in the mood to duel some eavesdropping Slytherin tonight.”
“Fine,” Sirius snaps, narrowing his eyes at James. He’s been pressing him for his opinion all day and James hasn’t budged. Clammed up, as his mum would say. “We should have checked the map last night. We would have been able to see who was missing.”
“The map?” Lily questions.
“Nothing,” James and Remus say in unison. James avoids her narrowed eyes.
“Ah,” Sirius sighs, sounding tired. “There’s my lovely little brother. I bet he knows something we don’t.”
James follows Sirius’ gaze so quickly that it’s almost pathetic. Just ahead of them and entering Slughorn’s office is Regulus, flanked by the other Slytherins. Rather than a showy pair of robes like the last party, he’s donned classic black dress robes for the occasion. James only sees his profile for a split second before his back is turned to them, walking proudly, but even in that second Regulus appears untroubled.
It’s always been in everyone’s best interest for James to refrain from encouraging Sirius’ dramatics, so he hasn’t been today. The truth is, though, James knows that he’s right. Something about all of this is off. He’s known it since last night, when he was lying in bed, mulling over everything that happened. The fear in Remus’ eyes, the pain in his own lungs running after him. His agreement with Dumbledore to join the Order.
James had the map last night. He usually does these days. He watches Regulus’ name float through the castle on the nights he can’t meet him. It’s a source of comfort, knowing he can always find Regulus, even if he can’t be with him.
So last night, when James needed comfort more than ever, he looked for Regulus’ name He assumed he’d be in the dungeons, lying in his bed. When he didn’t find it there, James believed he’d find his name eventually. Maybe he’d missed it somewhere in the astronomy tower, or down on the grounds, or maybe tucked away in an alcove.
James searched and searched for Regulus’ name. After far too long, James came to accept the truth. Regulus wasn’t in the castle.
Neither were Barty or Evan. At first this relieved James, thinking that the three of them had snuck out to have some fun for once. Not long after though, James realized they weren’t the only Slytherins missing. Mulciber, Snape, Parkinson, the list goes on. All gone.
James knows what it means. He does. He’s no idiot. But he is in denial.
—
Regulus looks down at the ice cubes in his drink, bored. All things considered, he’s doing rather well. That’s the thing about Occlumency, he supposes. Out of sight, out of mind. When he does it properly, he’s almost impressed with himself and how easily he can compartmentalize everything. He’s nowhere near as unshakeable as he needs to be, though. Last night is a prime example of that—the tears and vomit are something he has to shake off. He’s said it to himself a million times now, but he’s going home for Easter break soon. He knows he’s in store for things more difficult than last night. Surprisingly he hasn’t received a summons from Dumbledore yet, but that’s probably coming as well. Not just for a debrief of the night before, but to inform him of expectations as break and summer approaches.
“Hey,” Dorcas waves a hand in front of his face. “You’re overdoing it.”
Regulus turns lazily to look at her, arching a brow. “How?”
“You look like you couldn’t give a rat’s ass that you’re here,” Barty laughs.
“Isn’t that typical?” Regulus asks, eyebrow still raised. “Expected, even?”
“You’re staring into space and not speaking to anyone,” Dorcas clarifies, glaring at Barty. “You need to at least look somewhat engaged even if you aren't. Everyone else is.”
“Reg is always quiet,” Evan defends, glancing around the room.
“Yeah, well, he needs to socialize with the others tonight,” Dorcas sighs, wrapping a braid around her finger. “You need to look smug, Regulus. Proud. Like you just proved yourself in a way the others couldn’t. You’ve marked your place, but you need to keep it.”
“I could have done it, too,” Barty mutters. “If I needed to.”
“Shut up,” Evan snaps. Regulus’ eyes linger on his reddening face. He’s aware the two of them are still fighting, or whatever you’d like to call it, but he can’t get in the middle of it. Not right now. He doesn't really want to, anyway.
“I plan on socializing, Dorcas,” Regulus tells her, casting a glance around the room. “There’s nothing wrong with me spending some time with friends first. Where is Pandora?”
“She’s coming late,” Dorcas dismisses, looking around the room. Lowering her voice, she leans closer to Regulus. “Say, did James say if Marlene was coming tonight?”
Regulus feels something shift in his mind. A knock on the door he’s locked shut. Pursing his lips, he replies. “Haven’t spoken to him about tonight or Marlene. You’ll have to wait and find out yourself.”
“No Valentine’s Day plans then, hm?” Barty asks, his voice lowered, a grin spreading across his face. “I’m surprised Potter was okay with that.”
“Be quiet,” Regulus snaps, his voice cold.
“Merlin, why is everyone so touchy tonight?” Barty questions, rolling his eyes. Crossing his arms, he leans back against the wall and stares out toward the crowd. Looking back to Regulus, he says, “He’s right over there, you know. He’s staring at the back of your head like it’ll save him.”
Regulus stiffens, posture straightening out even more than it already was. There it is again, a knock. A crack. Something he can’t afford right now. Not here. He turns on his heel, keeping his line of sight away from the direction that Barty was looking in and approaches the very people he’d prefer to never willingly speak to.
“Regulus!” Mulciber grins, slapping his hand on Regulus’ shoulder. “How are you, mate? Feeling good, huh?”
“Mulciber,” Regulus nods. He looks around at the other boys, nodding. “Enjoying the party then?”
“Ah,” Mulciber laughs. “It’s fine. Nothing special—especially after last night, huh? Can’t beat that.”
“Mm,” Regulus acknowledges as he sips his drink. “Are they pleased, Parkinson?”
Percy glances up at Regulus, allowing a smile to form. “Pleased? That’s a word for it. Ecstatic, I’d say. You perform well, don’t you, Black?”
“Typically,” Regulus responds with a smirk. “Nott, I noticed your absence yesterday. Not interested or not invited?”
Nott straightens, making eye contact with Regulus. Typically, there’d be the narrowing of eyes or a snarky comment—something to remind Regulus that Nott doesn’t trust him. This time, however, there’s none of that. Just a nod and, “My father doesn’t want to get involved until I’m out of school. I tried to convince him otherwise, but it didn’t work. Know though, if there’s something organized here at school that’s less official, I’m happy to participate.”
Regulus studies Nott, considering. There it is, he realizes, the respect he’s been trying to earn for months. Dorcas’ word of mouth had convinced most of his peers of his interest in the cause, but this? This is respect, maybe even admiration. Regulus hasn’t just proven his interest, but his loyalty and dedication. Under normal circumstances, a part of him would recoil at the thought, but under the protection of Occlumency, Regulus can see the clear-cut progress being made. He can’t deny that or consider the ethics of it in this state.
“Noted,” Regulus nods. He gives Nott one last look before turning away, back to Barty and Evan.
“How much longer do you think we have to stay?” Evan asks, quietly. “That was hard to watch.”
Regulus just shakes his head.
“Hey, Regulus, aren’t you glad you left all that behind? Look at your brother dancing with that Mudblood.”
Regulus turns toward the dancefloor where Sirius and Lily are dancing happily, with him spinning her and her laughing happily. Regulus feels nothing at the sight, except there is something. It moves in his chest and cracks in his brain, so he speaks.
“He’s no brother of mine.”
The boys laugh and jeer with laughter around him at his comment, clapping their hands on his shoulders, jostling him. Their laughter is distant, blending with the sounds of the party around them as Regulus stares on, watching Sirius and Lily. Just behind them, James watches on.
Not really though. He’s watching Regulus.
When their eyes meet, something about James looks foreign to him. He’s never seen him look at him like that before. There are emotions there, pooling in James’ gaze, that Regulus doesn’t recognize. Something wriggles in his chest again, desperate to rise. His fingers twitch at his sides, yearning to smooth out the wrinkle that’s formed between James’ eyebrows.
And Regulus sees it then. The opportunity to make a choice.
So he does, and he shoves that wriggle down, stomps on it, and turns away.
—
“Hey, you okay?”
James snaps his gaze away from Regulus, who’s being swallowed by the crowd of Slytherins around him like it’s his birthright. It is, James guesses. Remus stands there, leaning toward him, concern lining his face.
“Huh?” James asks. He shakes his head. “Oh, I’m fine—just spaced out for a second there.”
“Spaced out looking at you-know-who,” Remus says, quietly, following the line of James’ sight. “What’s going on there anyway?”
“Don’t know what you mean,” James lies, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looking in the other direction.
“Oh, come off it,” Remus sighs. “Something’s eating you up, it’s not like you’re hiding it. Don’t know if you’re capable of that anyway, but this is a little bit concerning.”
“What do you mean?” James questions. “I’m not capable of hiding my emotions?”
“James,” Remus laughs, exasperatedly. “You know people call you pure-hearted Potter, right? Part of that has to do with the fact that we can all see it, considering how you wear it on your sleeve and all.”
“Oh, fuck off, Moony.”
“Don’t get all snippy on me,” Remus grins. Nudging James with his shoulder, he leans in closer. “Something to do with Regulus is bugging you—and don’t try to act like it’s not—usually when you see him it’s like there are stars in your eyes. Right now? I won’t describe it, to save your dignity, of course.”
James glances at Remus out of the corner of his eye. Anyone else talking to him like that and he’d have pulled his wand out by now. He’s even considering it now, but when he sees Moony looking at him, his eyes twinkling and warm, suppressing a grin, he can’t do it. Blowing out an explosive sigh, James knocks his head back against the wall and lets it bob over to look at Remus head-on.
“There he is,” Remus teases, smile fully formed. “So, what’s up?”
“It’s probably not the best place to talk about it, honestly,” James admits. “We’re in the snake’s den.”
“Fair enough,” Remus nods. “How about a quick and non-incriminating summary?”
“He knows something,” James says, his voice so low that he can barely hear it himself. “Did something, maybe.”
“I figured as much,” Remus responds.
James turns to look at him again, their eyes meeting. “You did?”
Remus shrugs. “I mean, yeah, unfortunately. It’s part of the whole deal, isn’t it? He’s involved with it all. Has to be.”
“I—,” James stutters. He shuts his mouth, chewing his lip. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Regulus is one of the youngest out of that crowd,” Remus continues. He takes a sip of his drink while surveying the crowd. “I don’t know what happened last night, obviously, but just because he knew about it doesn’t mean he contributed. Even if he did…”
“Even if he did?” James presses. He resists the urge to tell Remus that he knows Regulus wasn’t in the castle last night. That seems too close to betrayal, at least before he speaks to Regulus himself. Doesn’t he deserve a conversation before things escalate to that?
“Even if he did…” Remus trails off before looking back at James. “Would it matter to you?”
James recoils slightly, shying away from the question. Would it matter to him? He’s known since the beginning of all of this that Regulus was bound to do things that would hurt others. Part of him wants to say that it would matter, in a way. Not enough to dissuade him from being with Regulus, but enough to turn his stomach. He knows that’s not what Remus means though. The real question is there, embedded in one that’s easier to swallow.
“You don’t have to answer that,” Remus adds when James is still quiet after a few moments. “What did Sirius say about all of this?”
“Sirius?” James asks, running a hand through his hair. “Nothing—I mean, I haven’t talked to him about it.”
“Oh?”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am,” Remus nods. “You know, a year ago, even just months ago, there’s no way you’d have gone through all of this without giving Sirius a play-by-play.”
“You’re really calling me out tonight aren’t you?” James laughs, nervously. Remus doesn’t bite. “I guess I just feel like, even if I don’t want to feel like this, that me being with…him…has put something between me and Sirius. I know he’s stressed about everything already, so I don’t want to add to it all. Plus, he doesn’t particularly want me to tell Sirius things, so I just don’t say much of anything because it feels easier that way.”
“Hm,” Remus hums. “I think you should talk to Sirius, James. He wants you to.”
“He told you that?”
“He doesn’t have to. You know how he is,” Remus says.
“Yeah,” James smiles slightly. “Yeah, I do.”
“Yeah, you do,” Remus agrees, giving James a light push on the chest. “Better than anyone. Even me. So talk to him. Maybe part of why you feel so lost on everything is because you haven’t been talking to him.”
“Okay, okay,” James laughs, raising his hands in surrender. “What’s up with this anyway? The heart-to-heart? It’s not like you.”
“Suppose when your parents almost get murdered you start seeing the good in life. The benefit in talking about your feelings and all that,” Remus waves a hand in the air.
“Good on you, Moony,” James grins. “Hey, I know we’ve all asked a million times already, but are you okay?”
“For the millionth time, yes,” Remus rolls his eyes. He looks at James. “Thanks for checking in though. I do appreciate it. It’s just, well, they’re okay, right? What else can I say or do?”
“Nothing,” James admits. “You’ve been so…I don’t know. So mature this year about everything, not the moody and brooding Moony we all know and love. I mean, you barely batted an eye about attacking me either—which I’m glad about, but it’s surprising. You know you can talk about that stuff with me right?”
Remus shrugs. “Something big happened after that too. I guess these days there’s so much bad shit happening it feels pointless to dwell. Don’t worry, it’ll hit me once things calm down. You’ll get to watch me brood then.”
“Oh, wise Remus,” James says sweetly, batting his eyelashes. “You’re so in touch with your emotions. Maybe you’ll teach Regulus how to do that?”
Remus laughs and James joins in, relishing in the sound before it’s harshly cut off by the sound of Sirius’ voice across the room. The two of them turn, catching sight of the crowd that’s formed around the scene in front of them.
“What the fuck did you just say to her?” Sirius demands, his eyes blazing. Lily stands beside him looking just as furious, red staining her freckled cheeks.
“I said she’s a dirty Mudblood,” Flint guffaws, his words slurring together. “And you might as well be one, with your hands all over her like that.”
“Shut up, Flint,” Sirius growls, pulling his wand out.
“Or what?” Flint smiles meanly and tilts his head. “You’ll hex me? Oh, I’m so scared.”
“Don’t test me,” Sirius raises his wand, stepping forward.
“Enough!” Lily cries, tugging on his robes. “Sirius, it’s not worth it!”
“You should listen to your bitch, Black,” Mulciber chimes in. “Best not to start a fight you can’t finish.”
“Oh,” Sirius raises his brow. “You think I can’t finish a fight against him? As drunk and idiotic as he is? I mean, even on a good day it would only take a flick of my wand.”
“Sirius,” Mulciber shakes his head and clucks his tongue pityingly. “C’mon, now, even your little Mudblood could best Flint. I’m not talking about him.”
“Stop fucking calling her that!” Sirius roars. “Go on then, Mulciber, duel me if you’re so sure of yourself!”
“I’m not talking about me either,” Mulciber grins. “I don’t need to get involved in this. Maybe Regulus would like to, though? Let off a little steam with a family reunion?”
“We need to do something, James,” Remus whispers. “What should we do? Where the hell is Slughorn?”
“He—” James shakes his head. “He won’t duel him. I know he won’t.”
“We need to get up there,” Remus says, tugging James through the crowd and to the front. They push and shove past the other students without much issue, the crowd nearly parting for them. The room had been divided by house tonight and it seems like all but the Slytherins were on the side they were standing. By the time they reach the front of the crowd, Regulus has stepped forward and he and Sirius face each other.
“Come off it,” Sirius groans. “I’m not going to duel my little brother.”
“Your little brother?” Mulciber guffaws. “Well, Black, sorry to say it, but Regulus was just saying earlier tonight that you’re no brother of his. Does that change how you feel?”
“I—” Sirius recoils, clearly shocked. He looks at Regulus. “Reggie, really?”
Regulus says nothing. He just looks at Sirius dead-on. The two of them stand there, quiet, mirroring each other. Sirius is just the tiniest bit taller. James hadn’t even noticed how much Regulus had grown since the summer until they stood face to face like this. Tonight, in this light, backed by the Slytherins, he looks older. More intimidating. He wonders if Sirius notices as well.
“Run along, Sirius,” Regulus sighs. “We’re too old for this.”
“Your friends started it!” Sirius cries, pointing to Mucliber and Flint. “Tell them to fuck off!”
“He’s forgetting that this is for show,” Remus whispers to James. “We need to stop them before this gets even worse.”
James wants to stop them. He really, really wants to stop them. He just can’t find it in him to do it. He’s frozen, watching the scene in front of him unfold with growing horror. He knows Remus is right—it’s for show, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see. He doesn’t recognize this Regulus. He’s always had a cold side to him, but the vacant look in his eyes seems deeper than ever before.
“James,” Remus urges. “What do we do?”
“Why would he stop us?” Mulciber asks. “It’s not like he doesn’t agree. He doesn’t give a fuck about you or the Mudblood.”
“Yes, he does!” Sirius argues. He’s starting to panic now, clearly detected by the way he keeps looking from Mulciber to Regulus, obviously waiting for confirmation that he’s right. That Regulus does care.
“I said run along,” Regulus snaps at Sirius, his eyes narrowed to slits. “And take your Mudblood with you.”
“Fuck, ” Remus curses.
“You are such a little shit,” Sirius breathes out. “Stupefy! ”
Regulus deflects the spell with ease. He doesn’t retaliate, but Sirius keeps going in rapid succession, each spell being deflected. The last one just outdoes Regulus, catching him on the cheek, just under his eye. Blood sprouts immediately.
“Fight back!” Sirius yells. “Fucking fight back if you don’t care! If I’m not your brother then prove it! Curse me for fuck’s sake!”
“Go on, Regulus,” Flint encourages, stumbling behind him. “Curse him like you cursed that Muggle bitch last night.”
The room goes quiet so suddenly that James’ ears ring. Once those words leave Flint’s drunken mouth, the room is practically silent. All James can hear is his own heartbeat pounding in his chest and the clinking of ice in glasses
“What did he just say?” Sirius asks, his voice small. “Regulus, what did he just say?”
“I’m not doing this with you,” Regulus hisses. “You’re a fucking idiot.”
“What did you do?” Sirius questions, charging toward Regulus, his arms stretched out like he’s going to throttle him. “What the fuck did you do?”
Remus springs forward then, looping his arms around Sirius to restrain him. He struggles against them, still yelling at Regulus, even after he’s turned and left with his housemates. Sirius continues to scream and fight, even after the crowd recedes.
Sirius, Remus, and James are the last to leave the party that night.
They walk back in silence. James can’t help but think about the glance that Regulus gave him just before he left. There was nothing in it. No secret warmth or hidden message. Something has shifted, again, and James doesn’t know what to do with it.
—
“I think you two should talk,” Remus says, quietly, to James and Sirius. “I’ll go upstairs and keep Wormtail company.”
“Why?” Sirius asks. “Why don’t you stay?”
Remus gives him a sad smile, “Come to bed when you’re done, yeah? I’ll be waiting.”
“Yeah,” Sirius concedes. “Yeah, okay, Moony.”
Remus leaves, his footsteps padding up the stairs into the dormitory. Sitting on the sofa in the common room, Sirius tugs at the fraying thread of its upholstery. He can feel James’ eyes on him, but he can’t bring himself to look. The shame of how he acted tonight is resting in his bones, heating up his whole body. He knows if he looks at James he’ll see it reflected back at him.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Sirius says, eventually.
“Maybe not,” James admits. “But I shouldn’t have let you.”
Sirius looks up, confused. “What?”
“I shouldn’t have let you do that,” James repeats. He stares at Sirius with such a genuine sense of guilt that it catches Sirius by surprise. “You’re my best friend. I knew I needed to stop what was happening and I didn’t—I couldn’t.”
“James, this isn’t your fault—” Sirius objects.
“Maybe not completely,” James murmurs. “But it is, partially. I haven’t been as good of a friend to you as I should be this year. I know that we’ve had this conversation before, but I just—I can’t let it go. We talked about it, but nothing changed and that’s at least partially my fault too.”
“It’s not like I’ve been much better than you,” Sirius laughs, quietly, rubbing the back of his neck. “We’ve just been a little bit out of sync recently. It happens, right?”
“I guess so,” James admits. “Doesn’t mean I like it. In fact, I hate it, so we should stop.”
Sirius barks out a laugh, his chest warm with the comfort of James. “I hate it too and agree we should stop. It’s just not right, honestly. It’s supposed to be you and me, but don’t tell Remus I said that.” Sirius hesitates a moment, biting his lip. “Don’t tell Regulus that either, he’d throw a fit. We might not see it, but he would once he was alone.”
James smiles weakly. “I won’t.”
Sirius takes James in a moment. Allows the silence that follows that promise sit with him. He’d taken notice of their distance, it would’ve been hard not to, but he wasn’t particularly angry about it. It was more of a dull sadness that lingered, not quite demanding his attention.
“Did you know?” Sirius asks. He watches James’ expression carefully. It’s not that he expects him to lie, but even with the conversation they just had, things are different. They can wish they weren’t, or pretend that they’re not, but Regulus sits in between them now. Even amongst the Marauders, James and Sirius never had someone like that. Someone they shared who competed for their loyalty and dedication.
“No,” James says, weakly. “I had some idea, but I didn’t know. Not for sure, at least, until tonight.”
“How?” Sirius questions, desperately. “How did you have an idea? I was trying to talk to you about it all day, but you wouldn’t give me anything. Nobody would and I felt like a bloody conspiracy theorist. When did you start to realize?”
James hesitates. He swallows harshly before meeting Sirius’ eyes again. “I checked the map last night, once we had all gone to bed. He wasn’t in the castle. Neither were the others.”
“The others? Who?”
“Barty, Evan, Flint, Mulciber, Parkinson, and Snape,” James lists. “They were all gone and I just—I knew it was connected. I mean, I’d have to be a bloody idiot not to.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asks, hurt. There was a time when James not telling him something of this magnitude was unthinkable. Even now, it still is. The magnitude of their distance strikes Sirius then.
James shakes his head slowly, chewing his lip. “I knew what it meant that he wasn’t here last night. Telling someone would have made it even more real than it already was. Admitting it, that he had something to do with that attack, was just too much to face. I know the war is at our doorstep and all that, and that Regulus has already been in it, but this…”
“This is real,” Sirius whispers. “You heard Flint, do you think…”
“I don’t know,” James responds immediately. “I want to say no, but I don’t think any of them would give Regulus credit for something like that if it wasn’t true. To them that’s—they’re proud of him. You saw it too, right?”
“They revere him,” Sirius replies. “It’s creepy. Pathetic, even. The way they were looking at him and following him around. I knew as soon as I saw them at breakfast this morning. They were treating him like a king, all fearful and loyal. It was disgusting.”
“I didn’t think he would be the one to curse the woman,” James admits, quietly.
“That caught me by surprise as well,” Sirius agrees. “But if I’m being honest… When I was reading the article and the family was described, the two boys and the parents, and only the mother being tortured, I had some idea. It just—it made sense. Especially with all the Occlumency he’s been practicing. I doubt he was even really present for it. He probably shut down, replaced them with us.”
“That’s possible?”
“Not exactly like that,” Sirius clarifies. “But close enough that he could make it work and get himself to that point.”
“This is so beyond fucked,” James whispers. “How is this happening?”
“I don’t know,” Sirius says. He looks out toward the window. “I hate it. I miss when things at least felt normal and we could pretend like a war wasn’t happening. I miss feeling like Hogwarts was an escape from everything—the pranks and all that. It feels so far away now.”
“I don’t think we’ll get that back,” James murmurs. “Not at Hogwarts anyway. Not until Regulus finishes this.”
“When are you going to talk to him?”
“I have no clue,” James laughs. “He barely even looked at me tonight. Didn’t even send me a note for Valentine’s Day—and I know, with everything going on that’s a stupid thing to notice, but surprisingly that’s not like Reg. He might not care about that stuff, but he knows I do. I thought he might at least stick around in an alcove after the party and catch me, or maybe find a way to get me to the Come-and-Go Room, but nothing. I guess I’ll just keep watching his name on the map so I can get him alone, or await his owl.”
Sirius hums. He still feels a bit odd about James and Regulus, and he doesn’t particularly want to hear the details, but it’s getting easier, even after a night like tonight. Personally, if he were James, he’d be asking himself as many questions about Regulus as possible. Even if Reg doesn’t want to admit it, Sirius knows him and his reactions rather well. They only lived together their entire lives. “Are you going to tell him about The Order?”
“Yeah, I need to. I don't want to, but I need to.”
“He’s going to lose his shit,” Sirius tells him. “Forget a fit about what I said before, Regulus is going to start the Second Wizarding War when he hears this.”
“Merlin,” James groans, shutting his eyes tightly. “You really think it'll be that bad?”
“You don't?” Sirius laughs. “Something I'm sure you've realized about my darling baby brother by now is that he’s a complete control freak. I'm almost 99% sure that he only agreed to work with Dumbledore and give into all this prophecy shit because it gave him control over the situation. Even if it's deep shit, at least it's his deep shit. He gets to manage it, to some degree. Us joining The Order goes completely against that and the other 1% of why he does it all, which is to protect us.”
“I know that,” James sighs. He opens his eyes and looks at Sirius. “Although, I'd argue that 99% of why Regulus is doing this is to protect us. The control thing is just a bonus.”
Sirius twists his mouth, fidgeting with the sofa thread again. “I know that, too. He's my brother.”
James leans across the couch, tugging on a lock of Sirius’ hair. “Hey. Hey, look at me. You know he didn't mean what he said to them right? I don't think there’s anything in this world that Regulus is more proud of than having you as a brother.”
“Yeah, right,” Sirius scoffs. “He doesn't want anything to do with me.”
James doesn't speak for a minute and Sirius’ heart clenches, knowing that he’s right. It takes that blip of silence for Sirius to imagine Regulus and James talking about him, complaining and pointing out all his shortcomings as a friend and a brother. He wouldn't even blame them, honestly, but it terrifies him anyway.
“He wants everything to do with you, I think,” James murmurs, finally. “He just doesn't know how to go about it. I think you feel the same way. You’re both so—so—”
“Emotionally stunted?” Sirius offers.
“Something like that,” James smiles, weakly. “The point is, you've both got a lot going on and you both love each other, you just don't know how to go about it. It'd be different, I'm sure, if things weren't so bloody complicated, but they are and that's not going to change anytime soon. So until it does, we’ll do our best, yeah?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Sirius says, softly. “Can't imagine it's easy for you either. I'm here too, you know. You can talk to me about him. I'd rather not hear about your sex life, but the other stuff, obviously. I mean, even the sex life stuff, sometimes, I guess, if you feel like you have to share it.”
James laughs, a real one, so warm and familiar and undeniably comforting to Sirius that he starts laughing too. James takes off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose before looking at Sirius, his face solemn again.
“What?”
James shakes his head. “I love him, you know? Like I really, really love him, Sirius. He loves me too. I can't even really explain it, how I feel about him. The word love doesn't feel like enough, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Sirius nods. “Yeah I know what you mean, so why do you look so beat up over that? Isn’t that the goal?”
“Because I think that no matter how much we love each other, we love each other differently. I never want to let him go, no matter what happens. No matter how risky it is,” James explains, running his hand through his hair.
“Then don't.”
“I won't,” James tells him. “But I think he will. Or would. If he thought this was getting too much for me to be close to, he'd let me go.”
“What makes you say that?” Sirius asks, his brow furrowing. “Regulus is crazy about you. I don't think he'd just let you go because things got dicey.”
“Because that's what he did with you,” James says, gently. “He didn't want you to leave Grimmauld. I know he didn't, but he let you go anyway. He never would have dragged you back into it, or him, if it wasn't for what happened this summer. It's his way. When Regulus really loves something he lets it go.”
“James, you’re the one thing he has, the one thing he really has,” Sirius whispers, his eyes wide. “You can’t let him let you go. You’re the only person he listens to, so if you tell him not to leave you, he won’t.”
“I’ll do my best,” James tells him, sadly. “Even if he did leave, I’d just be waiting for him to come back.”
Sirius nods, chewing his lip. “You know when I got so upset tonight, it wasn’t even because I was hurt, or because I was mad at him, or whatever you might assume. It’s just that—he’s my little brother. As long as Regulus has been in my life, which I honestly can’t even remember without him, he’s been the baby. It’s always been my job to look out for him. It’s the one thing my parents taught me that I don’t want to unlearn. Leaving him behind was the hardest thing I've ever done.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I thought…” Sirius trails off. “I don’t know, it’s stupid, but I really thought he’d get by less affected. Or at least less involved. I know doing that yesterday couldn’t have been easy for him, and I’m so—so disgusted that he did it, honestly, but I know he only did it because he had to.”
James nods, listening intently. Sirius continues.
“The amount of restraint he showed tonight,” Sirius shakes his head, exhaling. “Listen, if there’s one thing I know how to do when it comes to Regulus, it’s how to get under his skin. He barely blinked. The fact that he said that about Lily…”
“Yeah,” James mutters. “That was pretty awful. I don’t know how we can try to defend him to anyone after that—and we shouldn’t, honestly, not to everyone else. Merlin only knows what Mary’ll have to say about it.”
“But we know it’s not really him,” Sirius insists. “He’s playing the part, scarily well of course, but it’s all for show and that’ll come out in the end. I guess I just didn’t think that he’d get in on—the action. I’m scared for him, though. Regulus has always been the delicate one between the two of us. He could never handle Walburga’s yelling or her punishments, but I could. He’s obviously gotten good at Occlumency, but I’m scared it won’t be enough and I won’t be there to protect him.”
“Sirius,” James says, softly. He scoots closer to him, pressing their legs together. “I’m scared too. We’d be mad if we weren’t. The thought of him going back there—I can hardly think about it, it scares me so much. My mum and dad…they’re going to be devastated when I tell them. There are so many different pieces to all of this, but we have to remember that Regulus can handle himself. He’ll always be your little brother, but it won’t always be your responsibility to take care of him.”
“But—”
“It won’t always be your responsibility to take care of him,” James repeats, firmly. “But that doesn’t mean that you can’t when you get the chance. It doesn’t mean you can’t want to. It just means that you have to accept that there are going to be things Regulus faces that he has to do alone.”
“I hate it,” Sirius whispers, his voice cracking. “It’s not supposed to be like this. He’s only sixteen, James.”
“I hate it too,” James whispers back. “I wish I could take his place. I’d do anything to change things if I could, but I can’t. I just have to tell myself that it’s going to be fine and so is Regulus.”
“I love you, you know,” Sirius murmurs. “You’re my brother too.”
“Brother-in-law, you mean,” James grins, wiggling his eyebrows, making Sirius scoff and push him away. “Hey, hey, I’m just messing with you. I love you too, Padfoot. You’re family, you know that.”
Sirius glances at James. He’s still in his robes from earlier, slightly rumpled at this point, and his hair is an absolute mess, but his eyes are shining and the traces of a smile still rest on his face.
“You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if I had to choose anyone to date my little brother, I guess it would be you.”
James’ face breaks out into a grin and he launches at Sirius, enveloping him in a hug. Sirius sinks into it, closing his eyes. As they hold each other, he lets out a deep breath. Sometimes, he thinks, the most powerful magic in the world is your best friend by your side.
—
Sirius tiptoes carefully into the dormitory being careful not to wake Peter, whose snores fill the room. James gives him a salute before getting into his own bed and Sirius makes his way to the four-poster on the farthest side of the room. Parting the velvet curtains, he crawls in, sliding up behind Remus.
“Hi,” Sirius whispers.
“Hello,” Remus murmurs, sleepily. He turns, rolling over to face Sirius. Blinking, he focuses on Sirius. “How did that go?”
“Good,” Sirius nods. He reaches his finger up to trace Remus’ nose. When he does, Remus closes his eyes again, smiling slightly.
“Has he spoken to Regulus?”
“No,” Sirius shakes his head. “Not yet. I don’t know if I should try to talk to him too.”
“Probably wouldn’t hurt,” Remus replies. He’s more awake now, staring at Sirius. “Do you think he really did it?”
Sirius is quiet before he dips his chin. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
Remus wraps an arm around Sirius’ side. “I’m sorry, love. How do you know?”
“James checked the map last night. He wasn’t in the castle. Neither were the others.”
Remus is quiet too, studying Sirius' face. He leans in, pressing a soft kiss into his lips. Sirius nuzzles his head into the crook of his neck and Remus’ grip tightens around him.
Sirius lies there, and even long after Remus’ breaths become deep and measured he stares off into space, watching the window through the small crack in the curtains around their bed. All he can think about is Regulus and just how cold he was tonight. Like Sirius told James earlier, Regulus has always been the baby of the Black family. Quiet and sensitive. He was ignored by their mother, tolerated by their father, and spoiled by himself and Andromeda, Bellatrix, and Narcissa.
As much as Sirius hates to admit it, he takes after their mother. Regulus, on the other hand, takes after Orion.
Once, when Sirius was younger and Andromeda hadn’t left yet, she told him that a long time ago, before his parents were married, his father was like Regulus used to be. Soft. Her father told her that being married to a woman like Walburga had taken that away from him. Now, Orion is cold and distant. Unreachable. That look he saw in Regulus’ eyes tonight, and the way he was respected by the rest of his house, was scarily like their father. It gave him a flash of what Regulus could become—a man of power and status who takes no prisoners.
Sirius is so scared that they’re going to take Regulus away from him. Not just physically. His biggest fear, one he hasn’t been able to say aloud, is that even if all of this works out, Regulus won’t be the same. These days, Regulus feels in and out of reach, but Sirius knows what it’s like for Regulus to feel completely unreachable. He doesn’t know if he can handle it again.
Most of all, Sirius knows that Regulus doesn’t deserve to be forced into living that way.