Crescent Moon, Coast is Clear
Crescent moon, coast is clear
December 20th, 1976
Something is going on with Sirius. Remus knows this to be fact.
He’s had a habit of watching Sirius whenever he’s able to since third year. Maybe before that, too, but in a more subconscious way.
These days? He watches Sirius purposefully. With intent. You know, as one does when they’re painfully and secretly in love with their best friend. Totally normal. Par for the course.
Anyway, even if Remus wasn’t watching Sirius the way he does, he’d be able to tell that something is wrong. To reiterate: Sirius is his best friend. Thus, Remus knows enough about him to detect a severe mood change whether (romantic) love has anything to do with it.
Also, Sirius is notorious for his dramatics— he wears his heart on his sleeve. If something is bothering him, you’ll know. You’ll feel the lack of his usual self. It’s something Remus has always admired about him. Where Remus likes to hide Sirius likes to bare himself to the world. He doesn’t care who looks at him. It’s nice, most of the time. Other times, it starts to get a bit grating.
Take now for example, it’s almost Christmas, and James and Sirius aren’t speaking. They haven’t been for close to a month, now.
It’s not enough that of a difference people outside of Gryffindor would likely notice, because in a sense they are “talking”. The Marauders still sit together, walk together, eat together, and sleep together. It’s just that, well, typically Sirius and James are the life of the party. Attached at the hip and perfect compliments to each other. Everyone at Hogwarts knows that. James and Sirius. Sirius and James. Best friends. Soulmates. Brothers.
Remus prefers to ignore the ache in his chest when he thinks about their friendship. It’s not that he’s jealous, at least not in the way one might think considering his crush on Sirius. No, Remus isn’t worried the two of them are in love— they’re just weird. Remus’ chest aches because he wishes so desperately for a keen sense of companionship like that, whether platonic or not. He feels that with his friends sometimes, whether it be the Marauders or Lily, but it’s not constant. Not unwavering. Not like James and Sirius.
Anyway, the two of them are keeping each other at arm's length and leading stilted conversations full of loaded silence and pointed looks. At first, Remus thought he was overanalyzing, but then Pete noticed and asked him about it. Remus doesn’t know anything more than he does, and when he asked the two of them about it a couple of weeks ago, they assured him it was nothing.
He knows it’s not nothing. I mean, Jesus Christ, they’re the ones who always call Remus the smart one. Did they not think he’d go to whatever length possible to find out what happened?
Unfortunately, something else about Remus, which is a direct side effect of his lycanthropy, is that he respects people’s privacy, full stop. No questions asked. And he has been respecting it, but it’s been going on for too long now and Remus is well on his way to losing his mind. One more strained smile and excuse is going to cause him to act rashly out of pure frustration. Even the girls— Lily, Mary, and Marlene— are asking Remus to do something about it at this point.
“James does well with Sirius,” Lily said one day as she scribbled notes from across Remus. “But, they’re being quite odd right now, so I don’t know that the two of them talking will make any difference. Besides, it should be Sirius that you ask. He’s different with you, y’know? Like you’re special. And what’s that thing he always says?” She nibbled the end of her quill before grinning. “Oh, ‘anything for our Moony!’.”
It would be embarrassing, really, to explain the shade of crimson that Remus’ cheeks flushed when Lily said that. Or how they got even redder after she glanced up at him through her lashes and flashed a knowing smile.
Also, if we want to be logical about why they need to start talking again, the four of them can’t possibly go through another full moon like this. They had to experience the December full moon with the group divided and although nothing bad happened, it easily could have. The wolf senses things like that— the unrest and tension. He doesn’t want to start the New Year like that.
So, he tells himself that’s why he takes the map one morning and tracks Sirius so he can get him alone. That’s the only reason, Remus reasons with himself. The butterflies in his stomach and the echo of Lily’s words in his head beg to differ.
As he walks to find Sirius, who’s on his own by the greenhouses, Remus wonders if maybe this drama isn’t petty. Sirius and James rarely fight, if ever. The only other time, aside from whatever’s going on right now, was after the prank. Remus had never seen James so angry. He didn’t speak to Sirius for a long time in solidarity with Remus. Something serious has to be going on, but Remus thinks he would know if something of that degree happened. The four of them spend all of their time together.
Briefly, Remus’ mind flickers on James and Regulus. He knows something is going on there from his own observations, but it seems relatively innocent. He’s pretty sure James would know better than to truly involve himself with Regulus, even if he has left Grimmauld. Remus isn’t sure why, but he hasn’t fully shaken the feeling that Regulus will go back. He’s not sure that Regulus really wants to be with them, or on their side. Even so, Remus has done his best to help James spend time with Regulus. He can’t help it when he knows how it feels.
The war is waging on outside of Hogwarts and it’s getting worse every day. More families are missing, attacks on Wizards and Muggles alike regularly, increased sightings of The Dark Mark, the list goes on. According to the Daily Prophet, each day and each step in the real world is shrouded in danger. It’s as if life outside of Hogwarts is just a constant, imminent threat to people’s lives. They’re in their sixth year now. They don’t have much time to keep living like this— in peace, in willful ignorance. It feels selfish for Remus to say, but he needs his friends to be together and happy for as long as possible. He’s desperate for this willful ignorance to survive their time at Hogwarts because Merlin knows it won’t make it out there in the real world.
-
“Sirius,” Remus says. He’s standing behind Sirius, who has his back to the door and is very clearly smoking a joint down in the greenhouses. If it was anyone but Remus, Sirius would have heard him, but as a result of his longtime desperation to go unnoticed, he’s quite good at sneaking around, and as an extension, sneaking up on people.
Sirius jumps at the sound of Remus’ voice, yelping as he drops his joint and it falls from his fingers. He picks it up quickly and turns around to face Remus. His eyes are wide and bloodshot and unfortunately, Remus thinks, beautiful.
“Moony,” Sirius rasps, his voice scratchy, most likely from the smoking. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry,” Remus mutters. Suddenly, he feels rather nervous about confronting Sirius about all of this. A little bit creepy even, for finding him this way. That’s another thing that Remus holds a lot of: self-doubt.
“Don’t apologize,” Sirius grins, easily. Remus’ stomach flips in on itself. “Do you want some?”
Remus looks down at the joint held between Sirius’ pale, long fingers. “Yeah, okay. Give it here.” He takes a drag and the two of them stand next to each other in the quiet of the greenhouse. All that they can hear is the sound of various plants swaying or water trickling. It’s quite nice, Remus thinks to himself, especially when Sirius moves to stand closer to him, their arms pressing together.
“I figured you’d be studying,” Sirius says eventually, once Remus hands him the joint back. “If I knew you weren’t I would have invited you down here with me.”
Remus glances at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. He just hums in response. He’s starting to feel it now, a warm and pleasant calm washing over him. Suddenly, this feels a lot easier.
“We need to talk,” Remus tells Sirius, taking the joint back. “I know something is going on with you. I need you to tell me what it is.”
Sirius whips his head around so quickly that it startles Remus slightly. He looks down at him and raises his eyebrows in question. Are you good?
“What do you mean?” Sirius asks, his voice high with nervousness. “Nothing is going on with me, Remus, I swear.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Pads,” Remus rolls his eyes. “I’ve known you since we were eleven. I can tell when you’re hiding something. Especially when you’re hiding it from me.”
Sirius doesn’t respond, at least not verbally. Instead, he looks up at Remus’ face, his eyes wide and nervous again. He seems to be searching Remus’ face for something. He might be able to find it if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re both high as shit at the moment. Remus watches as Sirius moves closer to him, almost hesitantly, before placing a gentle hand on his arm. Even in his current state, Remus can’t ignore the bit of electricity he feels even from such a small act of affection on behalf of Sirius.
“I—,” Sirius swallows. “I didn’t think you would be able to tell. I mean, I barely just figured it out myself.”
“What?” Remus’ eyebrows pull together. He’s not sure if they’re talking about the same thing at this point. “How could you not tell?”
“I don’t know,” Sirius admits, sheepishly. “It’s not something I knew about myself I guess.”
“You didn’t know you could go without speaking to James?” Remus chuckles, feeling slightly off-kilter.
When Remus says that, something in Sirius changes. He flushes and pulls back from Remus, the hand that just rested on his arm swinging lamely by his side. “You’re talking about James?”
“Yeah?” Remus questions. “The two of you are fighting. We can all tell and it’s getting a bit old. I want to know what’s going on.”
Sirius’ face darkens and he crosses his arms, turning away from Remus. “Like you don’t know?”
His tone is barbed and Remus is confused by the sudden change in mood. Sirius is always a bit moody, but this doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it does? His head is foggy and he’s a couple of steps behind, he thinks.
“I have no clue,” Remus replies, his voice hard too. “Are you going to tell me or just have me play some stupid guessing game?”
“He told you before he told me,” Sirius spits. He turns back to Remus now, his arms crossed.
“Told me what?”
“Don’t play dumb, Remus,” Sirius laughs, humourlessly. “You’re better than that. You can’t fool me.”
“Sirius,” Remus shakes his head. “I need you to tell me what you’re talking about because genuinely, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Sirius studies him, his face still dark and his arms still crossed. After a moment, he heaves a sigh. “About him and Regulus?”
“What?” Remus sputters “Him and Regulus? What’s going on with him and Regulus? I mean, I knew he liked him, but I didn’t know much else. He didn't give me any real details. Just that he was... happy.”
Sirius shifts on his feet like he’s trying to decide if he believes Remus. “They’re dating. You’re telling me you didn’t know?”
Remus needs a second to come to terms with all of this. Dating? I mean, that’s— that’s a bit insane really. He and James haven’t talked about him and Regulus since the beginning of term. He's said things had progressed, but he didn't know it had gone that far. He never had pegged James as gay, so he thought it was just a bit of a crush. “I had no idea,” Remus shakes his head again. “Really, Pads, I didn’t. I just knew he fancied Regulus, I didn’t know it was anything more than that.”
“Why would he tell you and not me?” Sirius asks, his voice pained. “What did I do to make him think he couldn’t tell me?”
Remus is a bit taken aback by that. I mean, there are a number of reasons that James might not have told Sirius, but he doubts any of them have to do with Sirius himself. If Remus had to guess, it’s probably more about the fact that Regulus is Sirius’ brother, and well, it’s not like being gay is something people openly divulge. “I don’t think you did anything. He didn’t just— tell me. I asked.”
“You asked?” Sirius’ brow furrows now. “What do you mean?”
“I asked him if he fancied Regulus,” Remus says, slowly. “I could tell that he did. So I asked. He answered.”
“You could tell?” Sirius sounds so confused that it makes Remus want to crack a smile, or maybe comfort him, but he doesn’t do either. “How could you tell?”
“Erm,” Remus rubs the back of his neck. “I dunno? I just could, I guess? The way he looked at him and talked about him and that stuff. It was obvious to me.”
“Obvious to you,” Sirius echoes. He’s avoiding Remus’ gaze now, his eyes on his shoes.
“Yeah,” Remus says. “Sirius, what’s wrong? I mean, I know it’s not ideal seeing as it’s your best friend and your brother, but I don’t know. It can’t be easy for them. It’s kind of nice, I think.”
“I’m just,” Sirius trails off. “I’m happy for them. It’s great. It’s— it’s brave of them. I just— they lied to me and I never really saw it coming. There were moments where I thought, maybe, but it’s not like it’s normal, is it? I thought there was something wrong with me, thinking that.”
“Not normal?” Remus can’t help the way his voice comes out cold and mean. Can’t stop the way his stomach drops because of Sirius’ comment. He knew he didn’t have a chance with Sirius, but that struck a nerve in particular. Remus has never had the privilege of being, or feeling, normal.
Sirius looks at him, horrified. “No, Moony, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course, they’re normal. I just—”
“You just what?” Remus growls. He knows he shouldn’t be taking this out on Sirius, but he’s frustrated. He’s hurt. It’s not like Sirius knows he’s gay. He didn’t say it to hurt him.
“It’s just hard for me to come to terms with, okay?” Sirius shouts, his voice shrill.
“What? It’s hard for you to come to terms with the fact that your brother is gay?” Remus questions. “Or that your best friend is? Is that not okay with you, Sirius?”
“No!” Sirius throws his arms up in the air. “It’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am, okay?”
The silence that rings out in the greenhouse when Sirius says that is resounding. It’s like even the plants in the room are holding their breath.
“What?” Remus whispers.
“I—,” Sirius snaps his mouth shut. “I am too.”
“I have to go,” Remus stammers. He knows he shouldn’t leave like this, but he has to. Sirius’ confession, along with the weed-induced anxiety he’s starting to experience, is getting to him. He’s going to vomit on Sirius’ shoes if he doesn’t get out of here right now.
“Remus, please,” Sirius pleads. “Please don’t go.”
Remus can’t do anything more than shake his head. He turns quickly, the greenhouse door slamming behind him.
—
“What’s wrong with you?”
Remus looks up, raising his head from its place on his knees. He’s sitting in one of his alcoves, hiding. Trying not to vomit. Trying not to scream. Trying not to hope.
Regulus arches a brow at him. “Well?”
“Regulus?” Remus croaks. “What are you doing here?”
“I come here to read sometimes,” Regulus says, his voice slightly annoyed. He holds up a book, balanced between long, pale fingers. They remind Remus of Sirius’. “But you were here, having a meltdown of sorts it seems.”
“I’m not having a meltdown,” Remus replies, defensively. He knows there’s little point in denying it, seeing as Regulus just found him practically hyperventilating in a ball, but whatever. He doesn’t know Regulus. He doesn’t need to tell him anything.
“Yeah,” Regulus scoffs. “And I’m not in Slytherin. Merlin, Lupin, what happened to you?”
Remus glares at him, unanswering. He won’t budge. He doesn’t dislike Regulus, but he doesn’t exactly like him either. Hasn’t fully forgiven him for letting Sirius take the brunt of the abuse at Grimmauld. Doesn’t fully trust him, even if he left.
Regulus seems to understand that Remus won’t be telling him anything yet, so he sighs like it’s all an inconvenience for him. “Was it my brother?”
“What?” Remus yelps.
“Ah,” Regulus says, crossing his arms and leaning against the stone wall. “So it was. What’d he do then? I didn’t realize you two had finally figured your shit out to be fighting about it.”
“Figured our shit out?” Remus can’t help but ask. Regulus is acting like he knows something, and Remus is desperate to know.
Regulus gives him a pointed look. “You’re not stupid, Lupin. Neither am I.”
“What are you talking about Regulus?” Remus hisses. Regulus can be so like Sirius at times, and Remus doesn’t have time for guessing games. Not with Sirius. Not with Regulus. Can everyone just get to the fucking point?
“You fancy my brother,” Regulus rolls his eyes like it’s common knowledge. “He fancies you. Everyone who notices these things knows that. You’re telling me you don’t know?”
Remus opens his mouth and then closes it again. He doesn’t know if Regulus is fucking with him or not.
“Did you really not know?” Regulus asks, tilting his head to the side like he hadn’t considered that. “Or have I misjudged and you don’t fancy him?”
“I—,” Remus stammers. He can feel his cheeks flushing and tears his gaze from Regulus, embarrassed. “Don’t fuck with me about that, Regulus.”
Regulus clicks his tongue. “I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I wouldn’t fuck with you about something like this. I know how it can feel— to be in your situation. I’d probably fuck with you about a lot of things, but not this.”
Remus looks up again, meeting Regulus’ eyes. They’re the same shape as Sirius’ but not the same colour. Where Sirius’ are blue, Regulus’ are a greyish green colour. Remus tries to find a hint of insincerity in them, but he doesn’t.
“How do you know?” Remus asks, his voice barely above a whisper. He feels so— pathetic, asking Sirius’ little brother how he knows he fancies him. Although, Regulus isn’t all that little anymore, and if he’s dating James, then Remus probably needs to get used to him, especially in the case that he does stay at the Potter’s. “How do you know that he feels that way?”
“If I’m being honest with you,” Regulus says, taking a seat on the alcove next to Remus. “I didn’t notice at first. I would have, I think, but I’ve had— a lot going on. It was my friends who pointed it out to me. I started watching you two after that. Sirius has never been subtle about the way he feels. It was clear to me once I started looking for it.”
That’s the most Remus has ever heard Regulus talk and it’s nice, honestly, to hear him spell it out like that. Remus feels his cheeks flush darker, but not out of embarrassment this time. More out of excitement, or something like that.
“You’re dating James,” Remus remembers, suddenly.
Regulus gives him an unimpressed look. “You say that like you haven’t known for months.”
“What?” Remus puzzles. “Months? I just found out today. Sirius told me— he and James are fighting over it.”
“They’re fighting because I made James lie to him about it, or hide it, I suppose,” Regulus clarifies, waving a lazy hand through the air. “But either way, I knew that you knew. James told me ages ago that he told you.”
“What?” Remus is lost. “He did not tell me that you two were dating. I had no fucking clue you two were dating!”
“Huh,” Regulus says. He gives Remus a once-over. “So you didn’t know anything at all?”
“I knew that he liked you and things were happening, but I didn’t know anything else,” Remus shakes his head. “I thought it was an innocent crush, honestly. Nothing more.”
To Remus’ surprise and mild horror, Regulus laughs at that. No, actually, he giggles. “Sorry, sorry,” Regulus coughs, covering his mouth to hide the smile there. “He’s just such an idiot. James told me that he told you, so I thought he meant that he actually told you, but no, he told you he fancied me. He’s such a child.”
“He probably would have told me,” Remus admits, doing his best to ignore Regulus’ giggles. He’s so used to Regulus being stoic and stilted that well, it’s a bit unnerving to him, especially with the nature of the conversation. It's all a bit too much for one day. “I didn’t ask. I’m not one to pry. I respect people’s privacy. I figured he’d come to me if anything else happened.”
Regulus hums, nodding his head in understanding. He probably appreciates that sentiment, Remus thinks to himself. Regulus has always been more lowkey than Sirius.
“There’s been a lot going on,” Regulus murmurs eventually, glancing at Remus through his curls. “With me, I mean. It’s been difficult, for the two of us. For Sirius too. I assume you’ll be filled in on some of it once you two figure your shit out, but I’m not going to tell you today. I’m just saying because, well, James probably wasn’t thinking too much about telling you, with all that we’ve been dealing with.”
Remus might respect people’s privacy, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to know things. He enjoys gossip just as much as the next. So, Regulus’ ambiguity in speaking draws him in, and tempts him almost, to pry. He considers it a moment, staring at Regulus before deciding on a response.
“Anyway,” Regulus states, clearly changing the subject before Remus can acknowledge what he just said. “You and Sirius. Something happened and you’re clearly upset about it. What was it?”
“He—” Remus hesitates, wondering if it’s his place to tell Regulus what Sirius told him. It’s not, really, but Regulus is his brother. He already seems to know to some degree that Sirius is gay. Remus also doubts that he’ll tell anyone, except maybe James, who might even know already. “He told me that he’s gay.”
“That’s it?” Regulus furrows his brow. “Why in Merlin’s name are you upset about that?”
“I just,” Remus shakes his head again. “I couldn’t handle it. I’ve felt… a certain way about Sirius for ages. I’ve spent years watching him date other people— girls, that is. I’d accepted my fate. I’m not like him or James, I’m not— open. Not good with feelings and talking. Not in the same way as them at least.”
“I see,” Regulus mutters. “So what did you say when he told you?”
Shame floods Remus as he recalls how he fled the greenhouse. He knows that Sirius doesn’t know that he's gay. He might suspect it, but he doesn’t know. Remus’ reaction wasn’t good. Wasn’t good at all. “I didn’t say anything,” Remus sighs, placing his head in his hands. “I just left.”
“You left?” Regulus scoffs. “He told you he was gay and you just left?”
Remus can’t bring himself to look at Regulus. He can hardly believe the two of them are having this conversation to begin with. He nods his head.
Regulus is quiet for a few beats before he laughs, cold and disbelieving. “Merlin, Lupin. Maybe you are stupid.”
“I know,” Remus groans. He knows. He fucking knows.
“Go fix it,” Regulus says. Like it’s that easy.
“I can’t,” Remus raises his head to look at Regulus. He shakes his head at the unimpressed look on his face. “There’s no time to get him alone. It’s evening now and we leave for Christmas tomorrow morning.”
“Then do it tomorrow,” Regulus rolls his eyes again. “Or early into hols. I won’t deal with you two being weird and Sirius and James being weird. I’d like this break to be enjoyable.”
“Oh,” Remus laughs. “Well, if it’ll all be an inconvenience to you, then I suppose I’ll get right on it.”
Regulus gives him a look. One that surprisingly shuts him up.
“Do you really think he fancies me,” Remus asks, quietly. He avoids Regulus’ eye.
Regulus heaves a sigh. “Yes, Lupin. Start paying attention and quit feeling sorry for yourself. If you had done that, you would have realized a long time ago.
Remus runs a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes. When he pulls it away and looks back to where Regulus was standing, the boy is gone. Like he was never there.
“Jesus Christ,” Remus mutters. “What the bloody hell is going on.”
—
When Moony leaves, the greenhouse door slamming shut behind him, Sirius stands there a moment before it hits him.
That went fucking terribly.
Sirius doesn’t know what he was thinking, honestly, just blurting it out like that. He thought that Remus would be okay with it, considering he was okay with James and Regulus. He also thought, that maybe, the way he feels about Remus wasn’t one-sided. He’s caught Remus staring, felt the unnecessary touches here and there. He thought that maybe it was something.
“Oh, Merlin,” Sirius moans. He’s breathing fast, and starting to feel a little bit dizzy. The breaths come quickly and are too shallow. He presses his hand to his chest, willing himself to calm down. He closes his eyes and allows himself to slide down the wall and onto the floor. “I need to find James.”
Once he’s managed to get his breathing steady, he stands up a little bit shakily and thinks. It’s a Monday. Where would James be on a Monday afternoon during a free period?
There’s only one place, really. Sirius curses himself for even pausing to think about it and leaves the greenhouse.
—
“James!” Sirius shouts from the grass on the Quidditch pitch. The Gryffindor team is getting one last practice in before the hols begin. Sirius can hardly make out the players, they’re so high above him. “James, get your arse down here!”
“Black!” Madame Hooch comes storming out of her office located next to the Quidditch locker rooms. “You’re banned from the Gryffindor team and practices, have you forgotten? Get off my pitch or I’ll call your Head of House!”
“I just need to talk to James,” Sirius pleads with her. “Once I talk to him, I’ll leave I promise.”
“You can wait until their practice is finished,” Hooch says, placing her hands on her hips. “Off the pitch!”
The altercation is starting to draw attention, and Sirius can see some of the Gryffindor team members peering over their brooms and hovering closer to the grass. Frank flies down first, landing with practiced grace.
“You okay, Sirius?” He questions, concerned.
“I need to talk to James,” Sirius tells him, eyes wide. “Please, can you get James?”
“What Mr. Black needs is to get off the pitch,” Hooch huffs. “You can wait until their practice is over, boy.”
Frank looks between the two of them, before setting his gaze on Sirius. He doesn’t know why Sirius is banned from Quidditch, but he knows that it was something serious and that Sirius hasn’t contested any of the conditions until now. “I’ll get him.”
He kicks off into the air again and Hooch throws her hands into the air. “You’re lucky it’s almost Christmas and I’m feeling charitable,” The Quidditch coach narrows her eyes at him. “But if you try this again, I’ll send you to the Headmaster’s office.”
“I’m sorry,” Sirius says. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”
She gives him one last withering look before stalking back to her office. Sirius turns his head to the sky, watching as Frank and James go back and forth, occasionally glancing down at Sirius’ spot on the pitch.
After what feels like ages, James blows his whistle, clearly ending the practice and flies down to Sirius. He lands with ease, throwing his broom over his shoulder. “Sirius,” He says, hesitantly. “What’s wrong?”
“I need you,” Sirius blurts. “I fucked up and I need you and I know we’ve been fighting, but I don’t care anymore. I just need you.”
James stares at him, eyes wide, and his mouth a perfect circle. The heavy winds blow between, tousling James’ permanently messy hair.
“Please, Prongs,” Sirius pleads, quietly.
James drops his broom on the ground and rushes towards Sirius, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. “Of course, Padfoot. Of fucking course” He pulls back, placing his hands on either side of Sirius’ face, turning it left and right like he’s inspecting him for injuries. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Sirius nods, blinking back tears. Merlin’s beard, he’s such a bloody softie. He missed James so fucking much. “It’s Remus.”
“Remus?” James stills, his hand tightening on Sirius’ jaw. “Something happened to Remus?”
“No, nothing like that,” Sirius assures him. “I— Can we go somewhere private? Somewhere other people can’t hear us?”
“Of course,” James responds, without a flicker of hesitation. “Why don’t we go up to the bleachers? Cast muffliato? The wind’ll drown us out anyway.”
Sirius nods and the two of them make their way up, James trailing close behind Sirius. It’s mad, honestly, the connection he has with James. He already feels lighter, just having spoken to him. Just by being hugged by him. James is such a steadying presence for Sirius. He doesn’t know how he’s gone a month without him.
“Okay,” James murmurs, sitting down once they’ve reached the top of the stadium. He runs a hand through his hair. “What’s happened?”
“I’m a fucking idiot is what happened,” Sirius groans, rubbing his hand over his face.
“You did something to Remus?” James asks. Sirius can hear the concern in his voice.
“No, I didn’t do anything to him,” Sirius mutters, looking down at his hands. “I told him—”
“What?” James questions. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him,” Sirius pauses, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I told him I’m gay.”
James is quiet. Very quiet. The silence permeates the air around them, it’d be suffocating, if it wasn’t for the sound of the wind whistling around them.
“You told him what?” James says, finally. He doesn’t sound upset or disgusted, or anything like that. He sounds… surprised.
Sirius glances back up at him. “I told him I’m gay. He didn’t take it well, James. He ran out of the greenhouse. Fled like it was a bloody crime scene. I don’t know why I thought he wouldn’t care.” He shakes his head. “He was horrified.”
Sirius expects James to pull him into a hug, or comfort him, or something that a typical best friend would do. Instead, he laughs. Loudly.
“Sirius, mate,” James chuckles, ignoring the glare Sirius is giving him. “I don’t think Remus was horrified. At least, not for reasons you might think.”
“What do you mean?” Sirius asks, defensively. “What other way could there be?”
James raises his brows at him. When Sirius doesn’t concede, he deflates a bit and shakes his head. “Pads, he’s mad about you.”
Those words hit Sirius like a punch to the gut. He needs a moment to catch his breath.
“What?” Sirius whispers.
“He’s mad about you, Sirius,” James repeats. “Has been for years, I reckon. I don’t think he ran away because he was disgusted or anything like that. Actually, I know for a fact, that’s not why. He probably had no idea you were going to say something like that and freaked out. You know how Moony can be.”
Sirius sits with that for a moment. So, he wasn’t wrong about his hunch that his feelings for Remus aren’t one-sided. But, the running away part? “If that’s all true, why wouldn’t Moony have taken the chance to, I don’t know, tell me that?”
James pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Well, it’s not like you confessed your love for him. You just told him that you’re gay, which, er, congrats, by the way. Anyway, he had no clue what you’d say next. Knowing Remus, he didn’t expect you to say you fancy him.”
Sirius doesn’t say anything. He just stares at James, completely and utterly shocked.
“Er,” James runs a hand through his hair again, looking rather nervous. “You do fancy him, don’t you?”
“Of course I do,” Sirius murmurs. “Of course I do.”
James grins. A big, genuine one. Sirius's gut tugs at the sight of it. He’d missed it so much when they weren’t speaking. “Then tell him. If you don’t tell him, he’ll eventually tell you, I think, but why not make life easy for Remus for once? Tell him.”
“Merlin,” Sirius sighs, slumping against the bleachers. He stares up at the cloudy sky. “Okay, yeah. I’ll tell him.”
“Good,” James says. Even though Sirius isn’t looking at him, he knows he’s still grinning. “Oh, and Padfoot?”
“Yeah, Prongs?”
“I missed you,” James murmurs. “A lot. Let’s not fight again, okay?”
Sirius turns to look at him. Wild hair, lopsided glasses, and hazel eyes. His best friend. His brother. His person.
“I missed you too,” Sirius mutters. “I’ll do my best if you do too.”
“Of course,” James responds. “Of course, Pads. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. I promise.”
Sirius closes his eyes again and relishes in the feeling of the cold winter wind passing over his face. He believes him.
—
“Are you okay?”
Sirius is pulled out of his haze, tearing his gaze from the back of Moony’s head and over to Regulus, who’s walking beside him toward the Hogwarts Express.
“Me?” Sirius plasters on a grin. “I’m just peachy, Reggie. What about you? Excited for the holidays?”
Regulus squints at him, but seems to decide it’s not worth it to get into it with him. “It should be nice. It’ll be nice to get away from school, and all of that.”
Sirius knows that Regulus doesn’t just mean his school work and classmates when he says that. He’s sure Regulus is desperate to get away from Dumbledore. Sirius hasn’t had the heart to mention that Dumbledore typically attends the Potter’s annual Christmas party.
“Yeah,” Sirius agrees after a beat, trying not to sound too gloomy. The farther along the school year progresses, the closer summer is, and the sooner Regulus will return to Grimmauld Place.
The two of them walk in silence after that, trailing behind James, Remus, and Peter. Once they climb through the train doors, they walk towards the Marauders' typical carriage.
“Reg!”
Regulus and Sirius turn in sync to see who called out for him. Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier hang out of a carriage door, beckoning Regulus to join them. Sirius tenses. He was hoping with the Moony situation that Regulus would sit with them. Act as a distraction.
Regulus glances at Sirius. “I should probably sit with them. I won’t see them all of break, so…” Sirius nods, a bit tightly. “Unless you want me to…” Regulus trails off.
“No, no, Reggie,” Sirius shakes his head. “Go be with your friends. I’ll see you when the train gets to London.”
Regulus nods, pulling his trunk behind him as he heads towards his friends. When Crouch and Rosier step away from the door to let him in, Sirius sees a flash of long dark hair and recognizes Dorcas Meadowes. She’s in the Marauders’ year at school but seems to be fond of Regulus and his friends. Sirius’ eyes linger on her until the door to the carriage shuts.
“Padfoot! Hurry up,” James shouts. “If you don’t get your stuff in here quick, the girls will take up all the space for the luggage.”
Sirius huffs a laugh, shaking his head. He feels so out of sorts and something about the sight of Dorcas is making his head spin. There’s something about her, something important, but Sirius can’t place it. He pushes the thought down, telling himself that he’ll come back to it if he needs to.
“Oi!” Sirius bellows back. “What happened to your chivalrous side, Prongs? Shouldn’t we make space for the ladies? What would your mother say?”
James rolls his eyes, grinning. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me,” Sirius laughs. He throws his hair over his shoulder and joins his friends.
—
The train ride to London is, frankly, painful. Sirius isn’t sure if it is for anyone else, but it’s torture for him. The girls are in the carriage with them and he wound up next to Remus, their legs pressed together. Sirius is doing his best to ignore it and not look at Remus. Every time he does, his cheeks burn. Remus on the other hand hasn't spared him a second glance.
“So, what are you boys up to this break?” Mary asks, flipping through an issue of Witch Weekly. “Are you all together?”
“Pete’ll come for the Christmas party and hang out a few times, but he has to spend most of break with his family,” James tells her. Wormtail nods beside him. “Sirius, Remus, and Regulus will be with us for all of break.”
“Your parents didn’t want you home?” Marlene asks Remus, her face lined with pity.
“Nah,” Remus shakes his head, smiling wryly. “Dad’s busy with work at the Ministry and Mum is going up to Wales to see family. It was just easier this way.”
Marlene gives Remus a look like she doesn’t believe him but doesn’t press further. Sirius has the instinct to tell her to mind her own business but doesn’t. He’s so reactive when it comes to Remus. He needs to cool it down. Within moments, Marlene, Peter, and James start talking about Quidditch and Sirius tunes them out, getting stuck in his head again.
“You must be looking forward to spending Christmas with Regulus,” Lily murmurs to him. Sirius snaps his head up to look at her. “I know it was hard for you when you had to leave him.”
Sirius nods, giving her a weak smile. He hasn’t spoken to Lily much this year, but in the past, especially right after Sirius left Grimmauld for good, the two of them had bonded over their complicated relationships with their siblings.
“How about you?” Sirius asks. “Is Petunia any better these days?”
Lily laughs, throwing her head back. “Oh no, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. It’ll be nice to see her, in a way. I still miss her, y’know? Even if she’s awful.”
Sirius’ family flashes before his eyes. His father and cousin, Narcissa, in particular. He nods at Lily. “Yeah, Lils, I get it.” He pauses. “Are you doing anything special with your family while you’re home? Any Muggle traditions?”
“Nothing too fun. Mum wrote me and said that Petunia’s bringing her dreadful boyfriend, Vernon, to Christmas Dinner, so that’ll be a nightmare, but…” She trails off, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth. “I think we might go see my grandparents in Cornwall, but I’m not sure. We don’t have a very big family, so Christmas is usually pretty quiet.”
“Nothing wrong with a quiet affair,” Sirius nudges her shoulder with his own. “I have a big, psychotic family, but much prefer the Potter’s. They're a small family too.”
Lily nods, her eyes flitting to James. “James seems different this year. More balanced? Not so—”
“Arrogant toe rag like?” Sirius fills in, teasing her. Lily smiles, scrunching her nose in mild embarrassment. “Yeah, he is a bit different this year. I think he’s pretty happy.”
“Is there,” Lily hesitates, looking in between Sirius and James. “Is there someone? I know it's none of my business, but I've noticed there have been less proposals and ploys to get my attention, so I was just curious…”
Sirius considers if he should say anything. He can’t tell her it's Regulus, but there's no wrongdoing in saying James has someone. “Yeah, there is someone. They don’t really want people to know, so I can't say who it is, but yeah. There's someone.”
Lily hums in response. “Do I know them?”
“Yeah, you know him,” Sirius admits. “Not very well, but you do.”
Lily raises her brows like that surprises her. He’s not sure why, considering Hogwarts is a relatively small school. It's hard to not at least know of someone.
“Jealous, Red?” Sirius waggles his eyebrows. “You're a little bit late on that one.”
“As if,” Lily scoffs. “James is easier to be around now, but no, zero interest in that.”
“Are you interested in anyone?” Sirius asks. He knows all about the crushes of the other girls, but Lily’s never been much for that. At least not one to talk about it.
“Hmm,” Lily considers. “I’d say so, in a way. I’m not sure they know I exist, honestly.”
“Oh, come on,” Sirius rolls his eyes at her. “Everyone knows who Lily Evans is. The brightest witch of our year and all that.”
Lily turns a very pleasant shade of pink and flashes a radiant grin at Sirius. It’s moments like this where Sirius understands where James’ obsession with Lily came from. She really is beautiful.
“Oi!” James shouts. “Looks like we’re about thirty minutes out from King’s Cross! Everyone get their shit together so we can get off this bloody train and start the hols!”
At James’ announcement, everyone in the carriage slowly begins milling about to collect their things and change if they need to.
As Sirius goes to get his trunk down from the ledge, he huffs out in frustration because he can’t quite reach it, as it’s stacked on top of James and Peter’s trunks. He’s about to levitate it down when someone leans over him pulling it down with ease.
“Thought you needed some help,” Remus says, quietly. He and Sirius stare at each other, and Sirius wonders if he can hear his heart pounding.
“Thanks,” Sirius mutters, eyes not leaving his face.
“No issue,” Remus tells him, a nervous smile on his face. “We’ll talk soon, right, Pads?”
“Oh,” Sirius breathes out. “Yeah, Moony, of course. Of course, we’ll talk.”
“Good,” Remus smiles a little wider before turning to help Mary get her trunk down.
Sirius stands there, their heart still pounding. Is this a good thing? James said it could be a good thing, and James has never lied to him. Well, not about something like this, at least.
—
“Boys! Over here!” Effie calls out, bouncing up and down a bit as she waves to them from her spot on the platform. The Potter’s house elf, Bea is standing beside her. Probably to make apparating home easier. Her smile is just as comforting to Sirius as it’s always been.
“Bye, lads,” Peter says, smiling. “My mum’s over there, but I'll see you soon, yeah?”
“Obviously,” Sirius responds. “Owl us if you can come over before the party!”
“Don't even bother with that,” James waves a hand. “Just floo over. We’ll be home.”
Peter nods and grins at them one last time before getting lost in the crowd to find his mum.
“Should we wait for Regulus?” Remus asks, looking around the sea of people. He’s the tallest of the group, so he has the best chance of locating him.
“He’ll probably want to say goodbye to his friends,” James says. “We can just wait with my mum until he gets here.”
The three of them walk to Effie, who immediately envelops them in a tight hug. Bea joins her, wrapping her small arms around their legs. “Oh, it's so good to see the three of you! I’m so glad we got all of you for the holidays. It's too bad about Peter, but I'm sure he’ll come over as much as he can.” She looks around. “Where’s Regulus? He didn't stay at Hogwarts did he?”
“I’m right here.” All four of them turn to find Regulus standing slightly off to the side, his trunk in hand. “Sorry, I was just saying bye to my friends and greeting some of their parents.”
“Don’t apologize, love,” Effie smiles, reaching out to squeeze his arm. Sirius has noticed that she doesn’t force any affection on Regulus. He thinks it's nice, the way she considers how it might make him feel.
Regulus smiles back, a bit shyly.
“Let me take that for you,” James steps forward, his chest puffed out slightly as he takes Regulus’ trunk from him. Sirius can barely hold back the eye roll that his brain is commanding. He meets Remus’ eye who pulls a face, grimacing slightly. Sirius can’t help but laugh, even with how nervous he still feels about talking to him.
“Well, alright then,” Effie laughs, her gaze lingering on James and Regulus. “Shall we go?”
“Let’s,” Sirius nods, smiling at the look on her face.
With that, the Christmas holidays of 1976 begin.