Magnificently Cursed
I wish to know
The fatal flaw that makes you long to be
Magnificently cursed
Late November, 1976
“I didn't think you were going to start doing stuff like this yet,” James says, watching as Regulus organizes books on the shelf in the come-and-go room.
“Hm?” Regulus hums, not looking back at him. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me moving some books around. If the room doesn't want them that way, I'm sure it’ll move them back.”
“That's not what I mean, Reg,” James shakes his head. “The pin? I thought you didn't have to do any of that stuff until after the holidays.”
Regulus falters slightly, his fingers twitching around the spine of a book he’s moving around and James watches as his body stiffens at his comment.
“It's just a pin, James,” Regulus mutters. He straightens up, surveying the books. He turns back to James, meeting his eyes. “It’s just something small. It doesn’t mean anything.”
James’s eyebrows draw together. “We both know that’s not true. Maybe a year ago, or two years ago, that would have been true, but not now. Not with everything going on. That meant something, especially to you.”
“It didn’t,” Regulus insists. “It meant nothing to me. If it meant something to others, well— that’s not something I can control.”
James is someone with a lot of patience. Someone with a lot of happiness, and a lot of love to go around, but right now his patience is wearing thin. Because not only did it hurt him to see Regulus wearing that pin, it also hurt Sirius, and most likely, it hurt Regulus most of all.
“The last time you wore that pin, my mum was forced to clean your blood off of it,” James says, his voice louder than he expected, but he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t get angry often, especially not at Regulus, so maybe it’ll sink in if he stands his ground like this. “If that’s what I see when I look at it, I can’t imagine you see any different, and—”
“Stop,” Regulus cuts him off, his gaze sharp. “Stop. I don’t need you to use that against me. I know, I was there. It happened to me.”
“I know you were there!” James argues, his voice rising with his anger. “ That should mean something. You know what that thing carries, so how do you even look at it? Why did you even keep it?”
“You told me you understood. That you wouldn’t judge me for missing my family,” Regulus hisses. “That’s what this is. That’s why I kept it.”
“I know for a fact that’s not why you’re wearing it.”
“Oh, do you now?” Regulus questions, clearly irritated as well. “Then why do you think I’m wearing it? Enlighten me, please, all-knowing James Potter. Let me know why I make the decisions that I do. I’d love to finally know.”
“You’re doing it for him. For Dumbledore,” James exclaims. “You told me what he asked of you and that you’d seem different, but then you didn’t tell me anything else! And you’ve been missing prefect meetings, and been busy with things that aren’t your friends or school, and I know that there’s more to all of it. I gave you space and I didn’t pry— because I figured you’d tell me what’s been going on, but now it’s been almost a month and I’m still left in the dark!”
James watches as Regulus grapples with his outburst. Watches as his eyes flash and he calculates his next move.
“I haven’t told you because I can promise that you don’t want to know,” Regulus says, his voice surprisingly level. “You won’t like to hear what I have to say. It’s better this way— just keeping it to myself. For your sake.”
“There you go again,” James laughs humorlessly, “Keeping secrets and making excuses for it. I’m fine to keep secrets with you, Regulus, but I’m not okay with you keeping secrets from me. You need to tell me what’s going on.”
Regulus opens his mouth to speak, but James shakes his head. He’s not done talking yet.
“You can try to lie to me, or omit information, or whatever you want to call it, but I’ll know. If I don’t know when you tell me, I’ll know at some point. You can’t keep all this to yourself— it’ll be too much. It’ll all come out in the end.”
Regulus snaps his mouth shut and sets his jaw. He gives James a withering stare, and maybe a few months ago it would’ve caused James to retreat, but now that he knows Regulus the way he does, now that he cares for Regulus the way he does, he's not afraid of him. He’ll stand his ground.
“I'm here for you, Regulus,” James continues, pleading. “Let me be here for you. You can tell me anything, I promise you, and I'll stand by you. I don't even know half of what's going on, but I can guarantee it'll be easier for you if you have someone to confide in. So confide in me, Regulus, please.”
Regulus’ eyes soften and he twists his mouth. For a long few moments, he just looks at James, like maybe he's waiting for him to take it all back before he speaks again.
“Okay,” Regulus murmurs. “I'll tell you.”
“How about we sit down, yeah?” James suggests, his shoulders sagging in visible relief at Regulus’ acceptance of the situation. Regulus nods and the two of them walk to the familiar couch, taking seats on opposite ends.
Regulus pulls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. James watches him and waits.
“You know that Dumbledore requested my help,” Regulus says, his eyes on James.
“Yeah,” James nods, pushing his glass up the bridge of his nose. “And I know he wants you to go home in the summer, but I don’t know anything else. I also don’t understand why he asked you— not because I think you’re a bad choice or anything, but I don’t know. It seems a bit strange, doesn’t it?”
Regulus just nods, so James keeps going.
“Do you know why he chose you?” He questions. “What does he even mean by that, helping the war effort? What is it that he wants you to do that he can’t do on his own?”
“I’m not exactly sure,” Regulus admits. “I think it’s getting more clear as time passes. As you said, I’ve been missing prefect rounds more often and not because I’ve been studying for OWLs like I told you. I’ve been… training.”
“Training?” James asks, his eyebrows shooting up. He had a feeling Regulus’ absences had something to do with Dumbledore, but he wasn’t expecting that. “What do you mean?”
“Dumbledore and Moody have been training me,” Regulus mutters. “Over the last few weeks, it’s been a focus on dueling, but pretty soon we’re starting other things too. They’ve mentioned potions and Occlumency to be a part of it all.”
“You’ve been dueling with Dumbledore? And Moody?” James is a bit shocked by this, honestly. The fact that not only Dumbledore, but Moody who heads the Auror department at the Ministry of Magic are taking time out of their schedules and diverting their focus from the actual war to train Regulus, well, it speaks to the importance of whatever it is they’re tasking him with.
Regulus nods again, pulling his arms a bit tighter around himself. “In a way, yes. Dumbledore doesn’t typically duel with me— he just watches me and Moody. Makes notes. Instructs Moody on the following training sessions. He’s not always there. He wasn’t there last night.”
James doesn’t really know what to say. In a way, he’s a bit jealous. To be trained in dueling by Dumbledore and Moody, two extremely powerful wizards, would be an amazing opportunity. Under these circumstances though, it doesn’t seem that way.
“Are you learning a lot then?” James asks. He’s genuinely curious. He knows some defensive spells and has been to a few dueling club meetings, but he doesn’t have much experience. He wonders if he should start reading up on the subject if Regulus is doing all this.
Regulus scoffs. “Hardly. I mean, if this had started a year ago then I would be, but at this point, it’s mostly review. I don’t usually fight back, either. I just stick to shield charms and deflectors. I guess I could say I’m learning a bit about technique, but the content otherwise, not really.”
“What? Why?” Does Regulus not realize that he’s being taught this for a reason? That in all likeliness, he’ll have to put all of this into practice? He needs to be ready. “You need to start participating, Regulus. They’re teaching you all of this because they think you’ll need it. I know you’re not happy about the situation, but I think you should at least try to learn.”
“I don’t need to learn it,” Regulus tells him. “Bellatrix trained me a bit over last summer and with that in addition to my personal studies, I have most things covered.”
“But,” James argues, “you have a chance to learn from them. A chance to keep yourself ready and not get rusty. Don’t you see why you should participate?”
“James,” Regulus says, giving him a look. “I’ll have to return to Grimmauld Place in the summer and Bellatrix will more likely than not resume her training with me. She knows my dueling style because it’s hers, because she’s the only one who’s trained me, to her knowledge. If I spend too much time actively dueling and learning from Moody, his style will overlap. She’ll be able to tell that I’ve been trained by someone else. I can’t let that happen. If they knew,” Regulus shakes his head. “If they knew, it’d be game over. I’d be lucky to make it out alive, which in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t. I’m not using shield charms to be stubborn, I’m doing it to be careful. To protect myself.”
James sits with that for a moment. It’s a truth he never would have considered himself. He’s never seen Bellatrix duel, but he’s heard rumors from other students and his parents, about her talents. If she does have a style and Regulus has adopted it, it would be noticeable if there was a change.
“Well, then,” James starts. “We should start training together. Then you can keep practicing, but you won’t have to worry about my style bleeding into yours because I don’t really have one. I’ve dueled Sirius and Remus, for fun, but never for real. Plus, then we’ll both be prepared.”
Regulus arches a brow at him, clearly disbelieving. However, once he realizes that James isn’t kidding he sighs and closes his eyes, placing his face on the top of his knees. James waits for him to respond. After a few beats, Regulus raises his head again, eyeing James. “You want to do that?”
James nods. “Yeah, Reg, I do. I want to help you with all of this and well, if you’re getting involved in all of this then I should be ready as well. As ready as I can be, at least.”
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you about anything of this,” Regulus mutters, his brows furrowing. “I didn’t want you to have to get involved in any of this. It’s not fair. You don’t deserve to get all wrapped up in this.”
“But you do?” James questions. “Why would you be any more deserving of all of this than me?”
“I’m not a very good person, I don’t think,” Regulus admits, raising his eyes to James’. “It feels like I’ve had this coming. It feels like karma for something, maybe my family or the way I’ve treated other people. I thought the least I could do to make up for it was to protect you.”
“Regulus,” James murmurs, gently. “You are not a bad person and this isn’t happening as punishment— sometimes things just happen and there’s no reason for it. Life just unfolds like that. It’s not fair and that’s the way it is. In fact, I think it’s even more unfair because things don’t always happen for a reason, or as retribution. They just happen.”
Regulus is quiet at that and James watches intently as he seems to wrestle with this in his mind. Slowly, he nods. “Yeah, maybe. Maybe that’s it.”
“Also, Reg,” James pauses, running a hand through his hair. “I understand why you want to keep me out of all of this, but you can’t. This is war and you can’t always protect people from it. Even if you hadn’t brought me into it, someone or something else would have. My parents are heavily involved in the resistance. I would’ve joined them no matter what.”
“That’s different,” Regulus says immediately. “That’s different because you would have been just that. Just on the side of the resistance. Maybe you would’ve fought here and there, but you wouldn’t have been in any more danger than anyone else. You wouldn’t feel— tied to me. You wouldn’t be tied to me. You’d be so much safer.”
“What do you mean?”
“James,” Regulus sighs, bordering on exasperated. “I am going home this summer to spy. As soon as I return from the Christmas holidays my task officially begins. I have to befriend my housemates and make up for the appearances I’ve put on this term. I will have to be cruel and harsh to properly set myself up for things. I will have to do things I don’t approve of— things you definitely won’t approve of. The war won’t end after this summer. I have to keep going back, don’t you understand?”
“But, no one knows about us anyway, aside from a few of our friends,” James protests. He gets it, to some degree, what Regulus is saying, but he’ll know it’s an act even if others don’t. Most people aren’t aware of their relationship anyway, so it shouldn’t really complicate things.
“It doesn’t matter if they don’t know, it’s the fact that you are constantly in danger of them knowing. My parents and the Dark Lord—they use people’s vulnerabilities to their advantage. I think my parents would be too blind with rage to bother you about everything, but the Dark Lord wouldn’t. He’d hold you over my head to bend me to his will. The only thing I have to protect you from that is my abilities as a natural Occlumency and Dumbledore’s willingness to train me further in the field.”
James blinks. Does Regulus really think he’s going to have to interact with Voldemort? That can’t possibly happen—Regulus is too young. What would he even want with him?
“That being said,” Regulus pinches the bridge of his nose. “Dumbledore will likely find out about us, after my Occlumency sessions. I’ll do my best to keep him out of those memories, but I’m not properly trained. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to hold him off. So, if you, I don’t know… I just— I thought you deserved to know that.”
James’ stomach drops when he hears news of that. It’s not that he’s ashamed, because he isn’t. He’d be willing to tell everyone about him and Regulus, screw the consequences. If Regulus was okay with it, James would parade around the school hand-in-hand with him. His stomach drops because it’s a rather large invasion of privacy, isn’t it? Similarly to Sirius, Regulus seems to highly value his privacy, which James knows is likely a result of the way they were raised. Dumbledore isn’t just asking a lot of him, he’s taking away whatever bits that Regulus has control over. He’s not exactly sure how Occlumency works— how Dumbledore will see the memories, but some of them are quite intimate. They haven’t gone that far, but they’ve fooled around a bit, here and there. They are teenagers after all. The idea of Dumbledore potentially seeing things like that… It makes James feel violated. He can’t imagine Regulus feels any differently.
“Can he really just do that? Like,” James closes his mouth before opening it again. “I don’t mean to sound like a child, but is any of this even legal? How can he enlist you in a war and attempt to go through your memories without someone, your parents or my parents, being notified?”
“I’ve asked myself the same thing, but I don’t think Dumbledore cares if it’s legal or not. He’ll find a way to do what he wants either way.” Regulus releases his arms and leans back against the couch, extending his legs so that his socked feet rest in James’ lap. “It doesn’t seem like anyone we know cares about legality. Look at my family as an example.”
James snorts at that, taking Regulus’ foot in his hand, and rubbing circles on his thin ankles. “I think the Ministry is just kind of there for show a lot of the time. They don’t seem to be doing much.”
Regulus cracks a smile, “Yeah, you’re right. I mean, the Head of the Auror Department is literally training me to be a child soldier so…”
James lets out a loud laugh at that, throwing his head back. He looks back up to Regulus and tugs his ankle, causing Regulus to slide down the couch.
“Hey!” Regulus protests, laughing too. “Watch it!”
“Get over here,” James whines, pulling him up toward him. Regulus grumbles slightly, but settles into James, laying his back against his chest.
They sit there together, breathing in tandem. James hugs his arms around Regulus, placing his nose into the crook of his neck.
“I love you,” James says against his skin. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Regulus hums. “Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me for loving you, Regulus. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The best thing I’ve ever done.”
“You won’t always feel that way,” Regulus whispers. “It won’t always be easy or good. Not after the things I’ll have to do.”
“It will though,” James argues, placing a kiss on Regulus’ cheek. “As long as it’s you, it’ll always be good and it will always, always be easy. Loving you is intrinsic. It’s natural. That will never change.”
“You might wish it was different, though,” Regulus points out. “You might hate that it’s so easy to do even when I’m not someone you can be proud of loving.”
“Regulus,” James says, his voice stern. “Listen to me, okay? I will always be proud to love you and I’m always going to be grateful that I get to do it. You can’t change my mind about that, and neither can anyone or anything else.”
Regulus lets out a huffy sigh and James helplessly grins against his cheek. “For the record, because this seems to be something you’re prone to forgetting, it’s not like you’re going home or getting friendly with your housemates because you want to. You’re doing it because Dumbledore asked you to. You’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do, in the long run. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Regulus. I think it makes you a good person, actually. You’re sacrificing a lot and you’re doing it willingly, and without many complaints. That’s more than I could do. More than most people could do. You’re not doing it because you want to.”
Regulus physically stiffens at James’ words and doesn’t agree with him. He stays silent, slightly rigid in James’ arms. For a second, James' mind flickers with the doubt of whether Regulus is doing Dumbledore’s tasks for the reasons he believes. He quickly shoves it down, knowing Regulus has a difficult time properly expressing things. James shouldn’t look too into that reaction. Right?
Right, he tells himself. Right. There’s no way Regulus wants to go home and be around the other side. There’s no way Regulus wants to contribute to Voldemort’s mission in any way.
There’s a small voice in his head that argues with him. But, Regulus has told you he misses his parents. Maybe that’s enough for him to want to help him. Are you sure Dumbledore can trust him? Can you trust him?
Stop it, he tells himself. Stop, stop, stop. Doubting Regulus and his intentions are not in the cards. He doesn’t genuinely fear or wonder about any of those things, so he’s not sure why it’s even crossing his mind.
He curses himself mentally, only drawn back into the moment once Regulus’ head flops back against James’ shoulder. James looks down at him and feels his heart swell in his chest like it might just burst if it had the opportunity because there Regulus is, and he’s so beautiful. His eyes closed, lashes fluttering slightly against his pale cheeks. James watches as Regulus’ lips part slightly, a contented sigh leaving them. He leans down again, pressing a soft kiss into his face.
The corners of Regulus lips tip up and James is delighted to see a faint blush break out across his face.
See, James tells that voice in his head, look at him. I mean really look at him. There’s no way he could want things like that.
Right?
—-
Early December, 1976
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Regulus,” Sirius comments, his voice light. James’ head jerks up to look at him, alarmed by the sudden comment.
“What do you mean?” He asks, running a hand through his hair. “What makes you say that?”
Sirius doesn’t look up from his magazine as he continues speaking. “Oh, nothing. It was just something Regulus said to me the other day.”
“Regulus said something about me?” James questions, his heart beating a bit faster than he’d like. “What did he say?”
“He said you two spend a lot of time together,” Sirius says, still not looking up, but James can tell now that he’s not really reading. His eyes are glued to the same spot, and his fingers are twitching slightly where he grasps the paper of the issue. “That you’ve been helping him with everything that’s been going on.”
“Oh,” James laughs, doing his absolute best to not sound as nervous as he feels. Did Regulus tell Sirius without letting him know? Is he about to walk into a trap? Personally, James thinks Sirius would react to it all better than Regulus thinks he would, but he knows he’ll be incredibly upset that he wasn’t told immediately. He’ll feel betrayed and when it comes to Sirius, betrayal is probably the worst thing a friend can do. “I don’t know, I haven’t done too much. Just been nice and kept him company, I suppose.”
“Reggie’s different than most,” Sirius murmurs, finally meeting James’ eyes. “Do you know what I mean?”
James considers that for a moment. Regulus is different from most people in a lot of ways. He's smarter than most people James knows, better at Quidditch than the average Hogwarts player, more beautiful than just about anyone. James knows that none of these are the things that Sirius is referring to, though. He’s just not exactly sure what it is that he means.
“I’m not sure,” James says, slowly. “Do you want to tell me?”
“I can’t,” Sirius shakes his head. “But, James, just—”
“What?” James asks. “Just what?”
“Just be careful with him, okay?” Sirius asks, his voice pleading. “Just be nice to him, but don’t be too nice. Just don’t be— don’t be so you, okay?”
“You want me to not be myself?” James questions, incredulously. “Padfoot, I’m sorry, but what the hell are you talking about?”
Sirius throws his head back and lets out a frustrated groan. “Listen, Reggie, he— he looks up to you a lot, yeah?”
“Regulus looks up to me?” James’ eyebrows pull together, in serious confusion. He is not following Sirius’ train of thought here.
“Yes,” Sirius insists, his eyes widening. “I mean, not exactly, but yes, he looks up to you. He— He enjoys you, or cares about you or whatever, and he’s not having a good year, so I just need you to be nice to him, but don’t be too nice, okay?”
“You don’t want me to be nice to Regulus?” James is actually lost at the moment. Like, completely gone. No fucking clue what Sirius is getting at with this one.
“Yes!” Sirius exclaims. “Well, no actually.”
He furrows his brow, crinkling his nose, just like Regulus does sometimes when he’s thinking hard. James waits.
“I don’t want you to be mean to him or anything, but can you just— I don’t know. Treat him the way you treat Pete or something. And don’t— can you try not to touch him?”
“What?” James asks, completely dumbfounded. Did Regulus get bored and fuck with Sirius at James’ expense? “Did Regulus tell you to ask me that?”
“No,” Sirius groans again. “No, he didn’t. It’s just— it’s not my place to say what he said, I don’t think.”
“What did he say?” James needs to know what in Merlin’s Beard Regulus said about him to Sirius to get him so worked up. “Just tell me, Sirius. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone.”
Sirius looks at him, hesitating. “Do you promise?”
“I promise,” James nods. Yeah, he won’t tell anyone, except Regulus who he plans on at least minorly lecturing for taking the piss out of Sirius so badly.
“Reguluslikesyou,” Sirius blurts, saying it so quickly that the words come out like they’re just one.
“What did you say?” James can’t help his mouth from dropping slightly at that.
“Regulus likes you,” Sirius whispers. “He fancies you.”
“What?” James digs his nails into his palms, attempting to see if this is actually happening or if it’s some kind of dream.
“He fancies you,” Sirius repeats, his voice still hushed. “You can’t tell anyone, James and you can’t act any different around him, okay? You can’t— You can’t treat him any differently now that you know. I know not everyone is okay with that kind of thing, but… But Reggie is still Reggie, okay? It doesn’t make him any different. I’m only telling you because— because I’m worried that maybe you’re making him think you like him too.”
“Oh,” James breathes. “Did he say that?”
“No,” Sirius shakes his head. “But the way he was talking about you… It’s like he thought there was some hope there, maybe. I don’t know, maybe I read into it too much. Regulus has always been a realist, so I probably did.”
“Maybe there is,” James murmurs after a beat of silence. He’s testing the waters right now, and he doesn’t know how Regulus would feel about it, but he started it didn’t he?
“Maybe there’s what?” Sirius puzzles, his nose crinkling again.
“Maybe there’s hope,” James explains. “Maybe I could fancy Reg back.”
Sirius is quiet for a moment before his face contorts, anger evident in his features. “Quit it, James. This isn’t something to joke about. I know you might not get it, but this is serious. This could cause a lot of damage for him, he doesn’t need you fucking with him too.”
“I’m not fucking with him,” James huffs. “Why are you fucking with me? Why would you act like me saying that is a joke?”
“You’re in love with Lily,” Sirius deadpans, still unamused. “You’ve always been in love with her. You always will be. You fancy girls , James.”
“You don’t know that,” James argues. “Who’s to say I can’t like both?”
“I–” Sirius snaps his mouth shut. “Are you serious?”
“I mean, why not? Why couldn’t I?”
“James, you can’t just— decide to fancy Regulus because you want to please people. That’s not how it works.”
“I know that!” James protests, his voice rising. “That’s not why I’m saying it!”
“Don’t start yelling at me because you’re being stupid,” Sirius hisses. “That’s my little brother, James, not some pet project for you to disappoint.”
“That’s the last thing I would ever want to do,” James tells him, lowering his voice. “I’m not trying to fight with you, but I need you to know— I’m not fucking around, okay? There can be hope.”
“Listen, Prongs, if you mean it then okay, but I know you. I know everyone you’ve fancied since the day we met and even if they weren’t blokes, they still weren’t anything like Regulus. Plus, I just can’t— you aren’t—”
“I’m not what?”
“You’re not gay, James.”
And there it is. The word that James has somehow managed to avoid throughout all of this. Even though he literally has a secret boyfriend, that word has never crossed his mind because— well, because he’s not, is he? He has liked girls. He's r eally liked girls. There was nothing but girls before Regulus, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. He doesn’t know how to argue with Sirius about that though, because he really can’t. The evidence is there, and how he feels is there. He’s not gay. Not entirely, at least. The only real rebuttal James has is to tell him that he’s been dating a boy for months now. But that boy is Sirius’ little brother. Sirius’ little brother that James just so happens to be in love with. Sirius’ little brother who James promised to keep a secret.
James sighs, unsure how to respond. His shoulders sag slightly and he drags his gaze away from Sirius’ face, rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses.
The door to the dormitory opens and Pete and Remus begin to walk through the doorway, chatting idly. Sirius smiles at them before turning back to James quickly, “Just don’t be odd to him after this, okay, Prongs? And please— please don’t tell anyone.”
“I’m not going to tell anyone,” James grumbles, crossing his arms and avoiding Sirius’ look.
Remus and Pete join them. Remus is laughing slightly until he looks at James who is practically the picture of petulance at this point.
“Are you pouting?” Remus asks, shocked. “What has your knickers in a twist?”
“Nothing,” James grits out, rising from his bed. “I’m taking a shower. Go down to dinner without me, I’m not in the mood.”
He takes a page out of Regulus’ book, glowering as he stomps away without looking back at them. He can hear their hushed whispers once he slams the door to the bathroom.
James runs the water of the shower, watching as steam accumulates in the small room. He takes off his robes and glasses and steps inside, pressing his forehead to the cold tile as the hot water hits his back. He lightly slams his forehead against the shower wall.
I can’t keep doing this, he thinks to himself. I can’t keep lying to him. I can’t keep it in.
—
“We need to tell Sirius,” James states, keeping his tone firm.
“What?” Regulus turns to him, the light of the stars highlighting his features. They’re standing on the edge of the lake doing rounds, not too unlike they did at the beginning of term. The first time James wanted to kiss him.
“We need to tell Sirius,” James repeats.
A wrinkle appears between Regulus’ eyebrows and he’s clearly confused. Unsure where this is coming from, no doubt.
“You told him that you fancy me,” James whispers, unable to look at Regulus. He doesn’t know why, but something about that upsets him. Maybe because Regulus didn’t give him a choice in how all of this was going to go down. Maybe it’s because now, if they ever want to be honest with Sirius about what happened, he’ll know James actively lied to him during that conversation. Or omitted information. Whatever it is that James did.
“Oh,” Regulus says, tilting his head slightly. “I did do that. I thought it would make things easier, in the end, if he saw it coming. I wasn’t sure if he’d mention it to you or not.”
“I had to lie to him,” James shakes his head. “You didn’t tell me you told him that when he brought it up, so I didn’t know what to say. So— so I lied.”
James still can’t bring himself to look at Regulus. He knows that as soon as he does and he sees him, his large grey eyes looking up at him, his anger will melt away. The thing is, James is angry with Regulus and he needs him to know that. He needs him to know that it wasn’t okay for him to make this choice without him, after months of begging for secrecy. He continues staring at the still waters of the lake.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus mumbles. “I really am, James. I didn’t think about it like that.”
“Then what were you thinking?” James asks sharply. “If you didn’t think about what that would mean for me?”
Regulus recoils at the tone of James’ voice. Out of the corner of his eye, James can see that Regulus has begun to wring his hands. James’ heart twinges with guilt and his fingers itch to take Regulus’ anxious hands in his own, but he doesn’t.
“I don’t know,” Regulus admits. “I wasn’t thinking at all, I guess. It just kind of came up and I thought I should take the chance to say something. I did it to be honest, but I wouldn’t have done it at the expense of you having to lie if I had thought that far ahead.”
He sounds so genuine, and quite nervous as well, so James finally peeks at him, turning his head slightly. There Regulus is, a few inches shorter than him. His pale cheeks are flushed from the cold and so is the tip of his nose. His eyes regard James anxiously.
James sighs, dragging a hand over his face. “We have to tell Sirius.”
“You said we could wait until I was ready,” Regulus says, his voice small. “I don’t know if I’m ready yet.”
“I know that, Reg, and I’m trying to be understanding, but,” He pauses, considering his words. “There needs to be some kind of compromise here. I can’t keep doing this to him. It’ll only make it worse in the end, I know it.”
“Compromise,” Regulus repeats like the concept had never occurred to him. Another moment where James is reminded that Sirius and Regulus are very much brothers. James does his best not to laugh at the confusion in Regulus’ voice.
“Compromise,” James states. “We need to find a middle ground.”
Regulus is silent for a while and James begins to wonder if he’ll deny him. What will James do if Regulus says no? He knows, in all actuality, that he would accept it. Suffer in silence. He just wasn’t expecting it as the outcome.
“Okay,” Regulus concedes. “We can compromise.”
James’ eyebrows shoot up, “We can?”
“Yeah,” Regulus nods, “we can.” He gives James a small smile. “Maybe during the Christmas holidays?”
“Christmas,” James breathes. “Really? That’s so soon.”
“Maybe,” Regulus murmurs. He takes James’ hand, “Hopefully.”
“Reg,” James laughs. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I promise it won’t be that bad. I don’t think it’ll be that bad.”
“Hopefully not,” Regulus agrees, squeezing his hand, but he doesn't quite look him in the eye.
James squeezes back. “Maybe you can tell him some of the other stuff too? Maybe about Dumbledore?”
Regulus’ grip on his hand loosens for half a second before he tightens it again, “I don’t know about that. Maybe, though. Maybe during Christmas.”
James lets out a laugh, so genuinely pleased by Regulus’ responses tonight. He wraps an arm around Regulus’ shoulder and leans down to press a kiss into his temple. A maybe is enough for James because he knows that a maybe means a lot to Regulus.
Regulus doesn’t say maybe lightly.
—
As they make their way up to the castle after rounds, James is practically buzzing with excitement. Even though the Christmas holidays are weeks away, they’re still much sooner than James had expected for Sirius to know about the two of them. He’s not particularly excited to tell Sirius— there’s genuinely no way to predict how he’ll react, but it’ll make things so much easier. The amount of times James has wanted to share things about his relationship with Sirius has been countless. Maybe, after this, he’ll be able to do that.
They get to the entrance hall and Regulus begins to say goodnight, but James cuts him off.
“I’ll walk you back to the dungeons,” James says, smiling. “I know we can’t go to the Come-and-Go Room tonight because of your school work and training, but I’ll take the extra time with you where I can get it.”
“You’re obsessed with me,” Regulus sighs dramatically, acting like he’s put out by it all. It doesn’t bother James, though, because he can see the pleased smile playing on his lips.
“Deeply and unequivocally,” James nods, solemnly.
Regulus really smiles then, and James grins back. They begin their walk back slowly, taking their time and chatting quietly.
The walk back to the dungeons from the entrance hall requires them to walk past the Headmaster’s office, which James can tell doesn’t please Regulus too much. He doesn’t say anything about it, but he stops smiling and gets quieter, mostly just listening to James speak the closer they get.
It makes James a bit sad, seeing how deeply Regulus is affected by it all, but he does his best to keep Regulus distracted, which seems to be working until they get to the entrance to the Headmaster’s study.
James is in the middle of pulling a laugh out of Regulus, taking the piss out of Professor Binns for his horrifically boring lectures, when Regulus stops in his tracks, his jaw dropping slightly.
James follows his gaze, surprised by the sight as well.
“Pandora?” Regulus questions. “What are you doing?”
Pandora is clearly in the process of leaving Dumbledore’s office. Her hair looks slightly wilder than usual, and she has her bookbag strewn haphazardly over her shoulder. The closer they get, James realizes that she’s been crying. Her eyes are startlingly blue and watery, and tear tracks line her face.
“Regulus,” Pandora croaks, looking like an animal caught in a trap. “I— I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
“No?” Regulus asks, his voice much colder than James would have expected. “What were you doing in there? With Dumbledore?”
“I–” Pandora looks around like she’s trying to find something to distract the three of them. “I was just paying him a visit.”
“Oh,” Regulus laughs humorlessly. “Were you now? And what is it you were talking about?”
Pandora visibly blanches and James places his hand on Regulus’ arm, “Reg…”
“No, James, don’t,” Regulus orders, shaking him off. “Pandora has been avoiding me. I thought it was because of something personal with her family, but now… Now something’s clicked for me.”
“What?” James questions. “What do you mean?”
“Pandora is a seer, James, did you know that?” He turns to James, his eyes looking slightly crazed. James hears Pandora gasp.
“No…” James trails off. “I didn’t know that.”
“Yes,” Regulus laughs again. “She keeps it quite hush-hush because of the danger it can bring. Keeps most of her visions to herself as well. She’s been avoiding me since I was attacked. Barely been able to meet my eyes, let alone touch me. It’s a bit funny, isn’t it?”
“Regulus,” James warns, unsure of what he’s insinuating.
“No, no,” Regulus insists. “It really is quite funny.” He turns away from James and back to Pandora. “You saw something didn’t you, Pandora? And you told him, didn’t you? You told Dumbledore?”
James' stomach drops, horrified by what Regulus is saying. He turns to look at Pandora too.
“Regulus,” She pleads. “You don’t understand— what I saw. It was awful. I had to tell someone— I had to tell him.”
“You had to tell someone so you told him? And not me?” Regulus demands, practically spitting with anger that James has never witnessed before. “It had to do with me, didn’t it? Let me guess, Barty and Evan know too, don’t they?”
“No!” She yelps. “No, they don’t know exactly what happened, but— but they were there when it happened. I didn’t tell them though, Regulus, I promise. They haven’t been keeping it from you, it’s just been me.”
Regulus shakes his head, smiling. James is next to question Pandora.
“What did you see, Pandora?”
“I,” Pandora flits her eyes between the two of them. “I saw how the war ends. I know how it’s going to happen. How it has to happen.”
“What?” Regulus asks, his voice emotionless.
“Regulus, I’m so sorry,” Pandora stammers. “I should have told you, but I didn’t know what to do. I was scared— I am scared.”
“Pandora,” James interrupts. “How does it end?”
Pandora very clearly hesitates. She tightens her grip on her book bag before taking a deep breath, “There’s a prophecy. Well, there are two prophecies. This one— the one I saw, it ends with Regulus. If it doesn’t—”
“If it doesn’t then what?” Regulus growls, his fists clenched by his sides.
“If it doesn’t,” Pandora whispers, her eyes welling with tears. “It ends with James. He’ll die, Regulus. So will Lily Evans and thousands of others. Sirius will die. Evan and Barty will die. The war won’t end for over a decade if it doesn’t end with you.”
Regulus’ sharp intake of breath is the last thing James hears before a very loud buzzing sound starts in his ears. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe and he can’t breathe. He’s trying so hard to breathe, but he can’t, even when he presses his hand into his chest and starts gulping for air.
James can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t brea—