And You Started It
Oh, goddamn
My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand
Taking mine, but it's been promised to another
November 1st, 1976
“Well, they were acting kind of odd weren’t they?” James asks Sirius as they walk to the hospital wing. It’s early afternoon now and they just ran into Pandora, Barty, and Evan. The three of them were acting strange– like they just saw a ghost. Skittish, James had thought as he looked at their wide eyes and wringing hands. They let him and Sirius know that Walburga and Orion had left and Regulus was sleeping, but they could go see him, so that’s what they’re doing now.
“They always act odd,” Sirius dismisses with a wave of his hand, “Pure blood, Slytherin trait, unfortunately. Causes them to go all wonky at some point in life.”
James huffs out a laugh, shaking his head at Sirius. Even though he technically has some of the “purest” blood around, you’d think he was anti-pure blood, even past the extremists. Count on him to start a war on purebloods, if that was a thing.
“Hopefully Regulus is awake by now,” James hums, putting his hands in his pockets.
“He’s been out for hours,” Sirius says, “If he’s not up yet, he will be soon.”
James hums again, not really responding. Soon enough, they’re rounding the corner to the infirmary. Since it’s a Saturday, the hallways are pretty empty, most students milling about on the school grounds or catching up on sleep and homework.
“Hello, Poppy,” Sirius greets, dipping into a dramatic bow when he sees the nurse, “We’re here to see my lovely little brother. Is he awake?”
Madame Pomfrey rolls her eyes at Sirius, smiling slightly, “Hello, Sirius. He just woke up about ten minutes ago. I just sent for food for him, you can head in there.” She points to the far corner of the room, and Regulus’ section materializes out of thin air. Notice-Me-Not charm, James realizes. Must be a security measure.
“Thanks, Poppy,” James smiles, saluting her.
“You two are lucky I like you,” She laughs, shaking her head as she walks back into her study, “Be gentle with him, boys.”
They nod and assure her they will be, which Regulus would probably die over if he heard, but it’s better to tell adults what they want to hear, especially in situations like this one.
“Reg?” Sirius calls out, peeking his head through the curtains of Regulus’ bed. “Are you up?”
“Yes,” Regulus responds, quietly. He sounds different than usual, to James. His voice is flatter than usual. Reg is good at the whole deadpan, monotone thing when he’s being sarcastic, but that’s not what this is. He sounds vacant, if that makes sense.
James and Sirius push through the curtains, making their way into Regulus’ small, sectioned-off part of the infirmary. He’s sitting in his bed with fresh bandages around his torso, staring off into the distance with a blank look on his face. Sirius and James exchange a look.
“Reg?” James says, trying to get his attention, “How are you feeling?”
It takes Regulus a moment to respond or hear that James is speaking to him, at least. He turns his head slowly, almost like an afterthought, looking at James.
Something about it all is causing a pit to fester in James’ stomach. He looks– empty. Reg’s cool, silver eyes, which can be so warm when they want to– like molten metal, are dim like the life’s gone out of them. He doesn’t smile at James, doesn’t raise a brow. He just stares at him before saying, “Fine,” and looking back at the corner of the curtains.
James’ eyebrows pull together. He’s confused right now, but more so he’s concerned. He turns to Sirius, who shakes his head, placing an arm on James’ arm before approaching Reg’s bed, and sitting down beside him.
“Reggie,” He murmurs, gently squeezing his little brother’s shoulder, “Can you hear me?”
James doesn’t know what’s happening, but it’s clear that Sirius does.
Still, Regulus doesn’t respond, or even look at Sirius.
“Sirius, what’s going on?” James presses, nervously running a hand through his hair. He walks closer to the bed, standing behind Sirius’ chair. “Is there something wrong? Should we get Madame Pomfrey?”
“No,” Sirius shakes his head, looking over his shoulder at James, his expression pained, “He’s fine. I mean, he’s not really, but it’s not a medical issue technically. I should have expected this, knowing that our parents came, but it’s been so long since I’ve had to do it that I didn’t even think about it.”
“Do what? What are you talking about?” James has no clue what Sirius is talking about. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Sirius get this way, and he definitely hasn’t seen Regulus like this. At least, not up close. Last year, after Sirius left Grimmauld, he did notice that Regulus seemed… off, but he didn’t care much, after everything that happened to Sirius.
“I can’t remember if I’ve ever told you this, but our mum is an extremely skilled Legilimens. She used to do it to us, search inside our mind to figure out how we were feeling, or if we had disobeyed her in some way. It gets pretty easy to get in trouble when that happens,” Sirius grimaces, facing Regulus again, “We had to learn how to keep her out of our heads, so we started practicing something close to Occlumency, but not exactly. Regulus has always been better at it than me, better hold on his emotions or some rubbish like that. Anyway, the thing about practicing Occlumency the way we do is that we aren’t trained, not really. I don’t think we do it right exactly. It can leave us a little bit wonky after– empty.”
James’ stomach drops, hearing Sirius explain. The fact that Sirius and Regulus had to resort to Occlumency just to be around their mother, stripped even of freedom of thought and memory… It’s awful. With a sharp intake of breath, James realizes that Regulus probably had to do that to hide him from his mother. Now that feeling of despair resting in his stomach bites, sinking in as his guilt draws blood.
“Reg,” Sirius repeats, treating Regulus more gently than James has ever witnessed. “It’s Sirius, I’m right here. Can you look at me?”
It takes a few moments and some additional hushed whispers from Sirius, but eventually Regulus turns to look at him. His eyes are still foggy, but they look more alive than they did when the two of them walked in.
“Hey,” Sirius whispers, softly. He leans forward and brushes Regulus’ curls from his face. “There you are, Reggie. I’m right here, okay? You can come back now.”
Regulus blinks slowly and James watches in quiet wonder as Sirius pulls him out of the state he’s in. James has always been aware of how much Sirius loves Regulus, but seeing that love and care in action — it’s different. Things have been tumultuous in the Black family for as long as James has known Sirius so he’s never seen— or heard— about Sirius’ dedication to his little brother. Not in a traditional sense at least, and never like this.
“Sirius,” Regulus croaks, blinking hard, “Sorry, I got a little bit lost. The potions and— everything else. Sorry.”
“You’re fine, Reggie,” Sirius chuckles, which James thinks is more Reg’s sake than the truth, but he understands.
“Hi, Regulus,” James says, giving him a sheepish smile.
“Oh,” Regulus breathes out, “James. Sorry about that. It doesn’t usually happen, or maybe it does.” He shakes his head. “I’m a little bit out of practice.”
James just smiles again, dipping his chin to show Reg he doesn’t have anything to apologize for.
“How are you then, Reg?” Sirius asks, eyeing his little brother a little too carefully.
“I’m fine, really. I was just a bit out of it after everything. Hasn’t exactly been the best couple of days.”
Sirius nods, “That’s fair.”
Silence stretches between the three of them and James can practically feel how much Sirius wants to ask Regulus about his visit with their parents. He doesn’t know how Reg would react to that, and he’s rather curious himself, so he decides to just ask. Maybe since it’s coming from him it’ll soften the blow.
“How were your parents?” James blurts, not even attempting to segue into it.
Reg looks at him sharply, drawing in a shuddering breath.
“Fine.”
“Fine?” Sirius presses, “Did they say anything to you? Anything bad? Because if they did, Reggie, I’m sure Dumbledore will—”
“Don’t, Sirius,” Regulus cuts him off, his voice cold. “Don’t start with this. They were fine , good, even.”
James and Regulus have never really spoken about how Regulus feels about his mum and dad, or the fact that he got kicked out. There have been references here and there, like the way Regulus spoke about the book in the Come-And-Go Room that have implied that he misses them, but he’s never said so much. James is pretty sure that Regulus misses them quite a bit though. He knows that Regulus always tolerated his parents better than Sirius did, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of them that Regulus might yearn for them, at least a little bit.
However, when Regulus says that— calls their parents “good”, James clocks the posture change in Sirius immediately. He goes rigid, sitting up straighter, his jaw clenched.
“Well,” Sirius mutters, his voice tight, “I’m glad you were able to have a happy little family reunion.”
“Did you not hear me when I said don’t start? Because for some reason, you’re still going. Still whining, as usual.” Regulus is getting angry now and James can tell this is going to devolve quickly, if it hasn’t already.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Regulus! Did I offend you by not agreeing that our batshit crazy parents are good people?” Sirius hisses, “I wonder if you happened to forget, but they wanted— maybe even still want— me dead. Oh, yeah, and they nearly killed you! Did you manage to forget about that? You’re quite lucky if so because I’ll never be able to forget the way you showed up at James’ house, covered in blood and whimpering like a fucking animal!”
Regulus’ jaw is clenched so hard that the muscle in it jumps and he exhales deeply out of his nose. “Out. Get out.”
Sirius doesn’t move and James doesn’t know what the fuck to do honestly. They’re both in the wrong, he thinks, but Sirius went in for the kill. Regulus is going through something, and once again faced the threat of death— and well, Sirius has a grudge he’s never going to be able to let go of. They both know how the other feels and they walked right into this, just like they always have.
“Get out!” Regulus yells, his eyes shining as he glares at Sirius, “Get the fuck out! I don’t want you here, I don’t want you to act like you’re taking care of me! You’ve always been fine with leaving me before, so why don’t you do it now? Leave!”
Sirius stands abruptly, his chair knocking behind him violently, and stares at Regulus with a look of pure fury on his face. Mentally, James begs him to stay. Don’t leave, don't leave, don't leave. Take it back. James chants to himself, but Sirius can’t hear him, so he doesn’t listen.
“Fuck you, Regulus,” Sirius growls and storms out of the infirmary, leaving James and Regulus alone. James feels like he has whiplash from watching the last ten minutes between Sirius and Regulus. They're both so damn intense . They go from soft and sweet to hard and scratching in a matter of seconds. James has never seen either of them act like that with anyone else.
“Well,” James starts, breaking the silence. He runs a hand through his hair as he glances at Regulus.
“Don’t you start either,” Regulus cuts him off, shooting him a look, “He started that, not me.”
James raises his brows— it’s been a while since Regulus has spoken to him in a tone like that.
“You don’t need to get mad at me because you’re mad at him,” James says accusingly, “I didn’t say anything, did I?”
“No, but—” Regulus falters, looking sheepish. His brows furrow and he looks back to James, “Aren’t you going to go after him?”
“Not right now,” James tells him, “I’ll find him later. I want to stay with you right now.”
Regulus pinks and he looks— surprised? James gets it, he thinks. If it was between Sirius and just about anyone else, he’d go to Sirius. Regulus needs him too though, so he’ll stay.
James smiles at him, just a small one because he’s still stinging a bit from the sharpness of Regulus’ voice before. He pulls the chair back up to Regulus’ bedside and sits down, folding his hands in his lap.
“So,” James pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, “Seeing your parents went well then?”
James watches as Regulus hesitates to answer, clearly trying to decide what to tell him.
“You can tell me, you know,” James says, gently, “I’m not going to judge you for missing your mum and dad. I mean— I don’t like them at all, can’t really stand them to be honest, but I think I get it. How you can love people even if they’ve done bad things, that is.”
Regulus freezes, looking at James. He opens and closes his mouth.
“Would you?” He finally asks, chewing his lip.
“Would I what?”
“Would you love someone even if they did bad things?”
There’s some weight to that question, James thinks, but he doesn’t stop to consider why that is. Instead, he imagines his friends, or his parents, or even Regulus, doing something bad and he doesn’t feel any differently toward them. Not in his head at least.
“Yes,” James answers, without hesitation.
Regulus’ eyes flood with an emotion that James doesn’t recognize— he almost looks hopeful, but then he blinks and it’s gone. “You left me a note this morning.”
“I did,” James grins, placing his elbows on his knees as he leans forward towards Regulus. He tucks his hands under his chin, “Did you like it?”
Regulus tries to fight a smile, like James watches as he genuinely struggles to suppress it, but then his lips curl up and a grin is there. Regulus smiles at him, a little goofily, and his face flushes again. “Of course I did, you idiot.”
“So mean,” James pouts, “I’ve just told you I love you and you call me an idiot. Not nice, Reg.”
“You are an idiot,” Regulus says, not an ounce of remorse in his voice, “Maybe that’s part of it.”
“Part of what?”
“Part of why I love you,” Regulus murmurs and his voice shakes a little bit, like he’s scared to say it aloud. “And don’t try and act like you said it all on your own, I said it first.”
“Merlin,” James breathes, “You really are perfect aren’t you? Sweet, but so, so mean, competitive, fit— the whole package.”
“You’re an idiot,” Regulus repeats, rolling his eyes. He sighs, leaning further back into his pillows. He closes his eyes a moment before glancing down at the bandages on his torso and back to James.
James glances down at Reg’s bandages too, realizing suddenly why they’re in the hospital wing right now. His chest tightens and he grabs Regulus’ hand a little bit clumsily, lacing their hands together.
“I’m so glad that you’re okay,” James whispers, rubbing his thumb in circles across the back of Regulus’ hand.
Regulus doesn’t respond, he just keeps looking at James and squeezes his hand.
“Who did this?” James asks, his voice still quiet.
Regulus hesitates and that’s how James knows that Regulus knows who did this. Madame Pomfrey told them all that Regulus said he didn’t know who attacked him. But that— that half a second of hesitation on Regulus’ behalf, that’s how James knows he’s lying.
“You know,” James states, his voice flat. “You know who attacked you. Regulus, who did this?”
Again Regulus hesitates, opening his mouth to speak before setting his mouth into a hard line. “I can’t tell you,” He settles on, meeting James’ eyes.
“What?” James questions, incredulously, “What do you mean you can’t tell me? Reg— you need to tell me. You don’t just need to tell me, you need to tell Sirius and Dumbledore and—”
“Stop,” Regulus mutters, “I can’t. I can’t tell anyone— it’s just going to make things worse. I need to have something to hold against this person, too. Keep them the fuck away from me in the future. This person— when they find out that I’m fine but I haven’t ratted them out, they’ll panic. It’ll be easier to control them.”
“Control them?” James’ eyebrows draw together and he’s so fucking confused. He has no idea what Regulus is talking about or why he would need to control someone. “Reg, what is going on? Please, just tell me. I won’t tell anyone else, I promise. I can keep secrets, even if you think I’m an idiot. I’ve kept this— us— a secret, even when I haven’t wanted to.”
It’s once Regulus looks up at him sharply that James realizes that what he said might have been a little bit manipulative, but it wasn’t on purpose. He’s worried and nervous and when he’s either of those things he just blabbers. Words tumble out before he can even process them.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Reg,” James tells him, “I just— I just want you to trust me. I want you to be able to tell me. Please.”
James doesn’t mean to beg, but he’s not ashamed, not really.
Regulus sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as he shuts his eyes. He cracks one open, giving James a sidelong glance. “If I tell you, you cannot tell anyone. You cannot tell Sirius or Dumbledore or your parents, okay? Maybe someday you can, but not right now.”
“I won’t,” James assures him, gripping his hand tighter, “I promise, Regulus.”
“You also have to answer a question of mine before I tell you what happened, and you have to answer truthfully.”
James, once again, is confused by that. He’s not sure if he’s ever lied to Regulus before, so he’s not sure why he thinks James might do that.
“Of course, Reg. You can ask me anything.”
Regulus is quiet, looking at James. He’s very clearly considering him, almost sizing him up based on the look in his eyes.
“Is Remus Lupin a werewolf?”
When James processes that Regulus just asked that, his blood goes cold. He’s never been good at controlling his emotions or expressions, so James is sure that Regulus knows immediately based on the way James just took a sharp intake of breath and widened his eyes.
The thing is, James really would tell Regulus anything he wanted to know. About himself. Remus being a werewolf isn’t James’ story to tell. It’s also dangerous for people to know. Like, when Snape found out last year it almost ruined Remus’ life. He could get kicked out of Hogwarts, tracked by the ministry, barred from jobs— the list goes on. This question isn’t just a little schoolyard secret or casual gossip. This is everything to Remus. This is his life.
James thinks quickly, trying to find a way to answer this without fully giving it away. He can’t think of one, so instead he attempts to buy more time.
“Why would you ask that?” James laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair. “Did someone tell you that? I’m sure it was a joke—”
“It was Snape,” Regulus interrupts.
“Snape? Snape told you–” James’ stomach drops and his heart starts pounding in his chest. If Snape told Regulus, that would mean he’s not following Dumbledore’s instructions and that means that he could be telling other people, which means Remus—
“It was Snape who attacked me. Who did this,” Regulus yanks James out of his thoughts, gesturing down to his bandaged body. “He managed to imply that Lupin was a werewolf before it happened. It’s honestly how it all turned into such an… ordeal.”
“I— What?” James questions, “Snape attacked you because he told you Remus was a werewolf, and you…?” He trails off, waiting for Regulus to fill in the gaps for him.
“I told him to keep his mouth shut,” Regulus says, not looking at James, “I said some other things, vaguely threatening, which is really what got me into the duel. Which— I’ll have you know, I won. He did this once I had my guard down, after our — scuffle.”
James has a lot to take in right now, so he can’t really handle or react to all of it at once, so he’s dealing with the first part of what Regulus said first. “Snape told you Remus was a werewolf and you threatened him… But why?”
“Because you care about him, and so does Sirius,” Regulus answers, honestly, meeting James’ eyes. “It’s not because I care about him, I really don’t think about him at all, but I know what he means to you. And Snape is a waste of space, frankly. Even if Lupin is a werewolf he’s still worth ten of him. He doesn’t need someone like Severus going around telling people that.”
“Wait,” James shakes his head, as what Regulus said before hits him, “ Snape attacked you? Snape is the one who almost fucking killed you?”
Regulus hardly even reacts, “Yes.”
“I’m going to kill him,” James growls, feeling his body get hot with anger, “Regulus, you don’t understand. I’m going to kill him.”
“You can’t,” Regulus says, simply. “You can’t tell anyone, you promised.”
“I might have said that I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I never said I wouldn’t kill him,” James argues. “I can’t believe that you’re telling me not to. How can you expect me not to do anything?”
“Because you promised and you said you love me too,” Regulus murmurs, “If that’s true, you’ll listen to me and respect my wishes.”
“Regulus,” James is exasperated by this. If this had happened to him— if he had almost died at the hands of someone else, he knows that Regulus would react the same way. James probably wouldn’t even have the time to have a back-and-forth with him before he went and did something about it. “We can’t let him just get away with this. You don’t understand— you don’t understand how it was last night. When I found you, you were dying in front of me. I was literally watching the life go out of your eyes.” James swallows the lump in his throat as anger rises over it, “I love you, Regulus and I held you in my arms as you were bleeding out. I hate Snape and he’s the one who did that to you. I can’t not do anything.”
“You’ll have to decide which one matters more,” Regulus says, his voice hard, “Your love for me or your hatred for Severus.”
James blinks, his mouth opening as Regulus pulls this ultimatum of sorts. “What if my love for you is why I can’t not do anything? What then?”
“You’ll have to control yourself,” Regulus’ voice softens and so do his eyes. “I’m not saying he’s going to get off without anything happening, James, I’m just saying it needs to wait. I want him to be scared and unable to relax until something does happen. Attacking him— that’s not enough for me. I need to think about this.”
James is quiet as he considers Regulus’ thought process. It makes sense, honestly. Sirius has always described Regulus as “cold and calculating”. It wasn’t necessarily said nicely, considering Sirius had said it after he moved in with Potter’s, and Reg was still at Grimmauld, but there’s some truth to it. A lot of truth to it, seemingly. Regulus doesn’t just want Snape to hurt after what he did, he wants him to suffer.
Lily might have said that the biggest difference between Sirius and Regulus is their levels of humility, but at this moment, James knows that’s not what the biggest difference is at all. Regulus has patience. Where Sirius burns up, Regulus stews. One’s not better than the other, but it divides them. Makes them both intimidating in different ways.
“Okay,” James resigns, “I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. For you, I’ll control myself the best I can. That doesn’t mean I won’t fuck with him though.”
“You always fuck with him,” Regulus waves his hand in the air lazily, dismissing that, “Honestly it’d be strange if you stopped. By all means, fuck with him. Just don’t tell him what you know.”
James nods, surprising himself by accepting Regulus’ conditions. “Okay, Reg. I won’t tell him, but there’s no way that I can keep this from Sirius, not for very long.” Regulus opens his mouth, probably to argue, but James shakes his head, “It’s my time to talk now. It’s just the truth. I’m not saying it has to be today or tomorrow, but he needs to know, Regulus.”
“You have to let me be the one to tell him,” Regulus says quietly, fidgeting with his hands. “It needs to be me. If you tell him— he’ll explode. He won’t just be angry that Snape did that, he’ll be furious that I trusted you with it before him. I’ll have to tell you together like it’s the first time for both of you.”
Regulus is right, Sirius would be furious that James knew before him. Sirius just loves who he loves so much, it’s like he doesn’t know how to handle it. It’ll bubble out of him like boiling water, indiscriminately burning those near him through jealousy and bits and pieces of cruelty.
“Yeah, you’re right,” James agrees, even though his gut twists as he imagines pretending it’s the first time he’s heard about it all once Regulus tells the two of them. He feels like he’s keeping a lot of secrets these days, and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. It hasn’t hurt anyone, yet, so it’s fine, but he knows that it will, probably someday very soon.
“So,” Regulus begins, “Are you going to answer my question after all of that?”
“What?” James asks, his head snapping up.
“Is Lupin a werewolf?”
The questions hangs in the air, collecting dust in the moments of silence that stretch between them. James really can’t be the one to tell Regulus— it has to be Remus.
“Reg—” James sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.
“It’s fine,” Regulus interjects, “Genuinely, it is. I guess I shouldn’t have asked you about that.”
James sighs in relief. Regulus can be very reasonable when he’s willing to.
“I can tell you something else, to make up for it,” James grins, “Something about me.”
“I don’t know,” Regulus shakes his head, lips twitching. “I don’t think I can handle any more of your sap.”
“It’s not sap, Reg,” James laughs loudly, standing up to peek out of the curtains and see if Madame Pomfrey is still in her study or not. When he sees her through the window of her study, still teaching her healing class, James smiles even wider. He’s excited for this.
“No?” Regulus quirks an eyebrow. “What is it then?”
James takes a step back, still grinning, and turns into Prongs.
Regulus screams, like genuinely screams, and James transforms back quickly, worried that Madame Pomfrey will come rushing in at the sound of it. He’s laughing so hard that he’s bent over, hands on his knees.
“You’re an Animagus?!” Regulus hisses, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Oh, Reg,” James wipes tears from his face, still laughing a bit. “Your face— and your scream. You actually screamed. Merlin’s Beard, I’m never going to forget that.”
“James! Animagus?! How?! When?!”
“Yup, Animagus,” James affirms, “I’m a stag, obviously. What do you think you’d be?”
Regulus just gapes at him, a look of pure shock on his face, “You are such an idiot.”
“I think you’d be a cat,” James says lightly, raising his chin a bit before dissolving into laughter again.
-
November 6th, 1976
Regulus is released from the hospital wing three days after his brother's birthday. This is the first time since he’s been alive that he hasn’t been with, or at least spoken to, Sirius on his birthday. They haven’t talked since their outburst in the infirmary. He can't let himself think too hard about that right now.
“Just in time for the party tomorrow,” James had joked when Madame Pomfrey let the two of them know Regulus would be released that Thursday. He wiggled his brows at him, and Regulus just rolled his eyes, not letting himself admit aloud that he’s pretty sure Sirius doesn’t want him anywhere near his birthday party, especially after their argument in the hospital wing.
When he’s finally released (almost a week in the hospital wing seemed excessive to Regulus, but Madame Pomfrey continued to remind him that he almost died, to which he would respond, “Yes, almost.” ), it’s a Thursday and the middle of the afternoon, so classes are in session. To Regulus, this was perfect. He’d be able to go back to his dorm without seeing anyone and hide in there until Monday rolled around, but she wouldn’t have it. It makes sense, not wanting him to walk in the corridors alone, especially when they think he has no clue who attacked him.
“I’m going to summon someone to walk with you, dear,” Madame Pomfrey tells him, “Who would you like me to call for, hm? Maybe Sirius? Or James? He’s been here quite a bit, I’m sure he’d be happy to come get you.”
James has been at the hospital wing a lot. Like, every free moment he has, he’s there. Regulus doesn’t mind at all, but he can’t help but wonder what Sirius thinks when James is always leaving to be there. It’s a bit strange, but he hasn’t seen Pandora since the night he was admitted. Barty and Evan had kept him company when they could and told him Pandora was just busy when he asked where she was. Regulus left it at that, but he has a nagging feeling that there’s more to it. He’ll figure it out soon enough, once he’s free to leave the infirmary and find her.
He hasn’t spoken about what happened with anyone who’s visited. He told Barty and Evan he couldn’t remember who attacked him, and they tried to help him remember, but once it became clear that wasn’t going to work, they dropped it.
Regulus thought that James would want to talk about it non-stop, especially since Regulus told him that Snape was the one who attacked him. There were small things here and there, but not much, which Regulus appreciated. They usually just sat together and James would tell him about his day. Regulus would just listen— another consequence of being in the hospital wing for so long was that he was getting bored. He didn’t have anything to tell James about his day. He didn’t seem to mind, happy to chatter and ask Regulus random questions. Regulus also had the pleasure of getting to ask James plenty of questions. After the Animagus bomb that James dropped, Regulus asked him a million questions, most of which he dutifully answered, while encouraging Regulus to become one too. That conversation had been shut down quickly. Regulus has enough bad luck as it is, he’s not risking getting stuck as some half-human/half-animal creature. No, thank you.
Other times, on quieter days when the healing wasn’t as easy, James and Regulus would read together— separately, sitting in their respective spots. It reminded Regulus of the summer when they first began spending time together in the Potter library. He would feel James’ eyes on him, but instead of avoiding his gaze like he did months ago, he’d meet his eyes and offer him a smile or an arched brow if he was in that kind of mood.
Every night, James would sneak into Regulus’ bed and hold him. There wasn’t a lot of talking then either, but it was probably Regulus’ favorite part of it all. It feels good to be loved, especially by someone as good at it as James Potter is.
That being said, even though Regulus was bored and somewhat put out by having to stay in the infirmary for such a long time, it was also nice. Like a little slice of a make-believe dream life before he has to face the real world again.
The real world in this situation is Dumbledore, along with everything else. Regulus knows, to some degree, that staying in the hospital wing was a method of protection from Dumbledore and his plans— like a shield. He’s sure that he’ll have to face him very soon after he’s released.
So, when Madame Pomfrey asks him if he’d like Sirius or James to come get him, he resists the deep, primal urge to say yes. He really wants to say yes, but he knows it’s not the choice he needs to make right now. It’s back to the real world, so it’s time for him to make a real-world decision. He can’t depend on the protection of Sirius and James, who are always willing to jump in front of Regulus. Not anymore. Regulus has to protect himself to protect them.
“Actually,” Regulus says, “Can you summon Dorcas Meadowes? She’s in James and Sirius’ year— she’s my friend.” Dorcas hasn’t been to visit him, so he feels like it’s necessary to add that last bit, since everyone thinks there’s a murderer on the loose waiting for Regulus.
Madame Pomfrey’s eyebrows raise for a quick second before she smiles and nods at Regulus, heading into her office to make the summons.
Regulus is left alone, sitting on the edge of his bed as he waits for Madame Pomfrey to return. He’s not even sure if Dorcas knows that he’s in the hospital wing or that he’s been attacked, but whatever, she’ll find out soon enough. A different version of Regulus, one before this attack and the summer, might have felt guilty to spring so much on her— especially because so much of it is bad. The version of Regulus that’s here now though, he doesn’t care very much. She’ll survive, Regulus has.
The reason he called for Dorcas and not his brother or James, Barty or Evan, or Pandora is because it’s time to reenter reality. His world has shifted and started anew in several ways— and it’s time for Regulus to level up. To do that, he needs something Dorcas has. He’s just hoping she’s willing to give it to him after the way he’s brushed her off this term.
“Merlin,” She breathes out when she arrives, taking in Regulus’ state. He’s still got bandages on and some of them peek out from beneath the collar of his shirt. There’s also the eye bags, which Madame Pomfrey assured him would fade soon, “What the hell happened to you?”
“It’s a long story,” Regulus waves her off, “One that I’ll tell you, I promise. Before that, though, there’s something I need from you.”
“And what would that be?” Dorcas crosses her arms, annoyance clear on her features. Regulus doesn’t blame her either. It’s all very Slytherin of him, ignoring her and then using her for something. He’s not using her in the traditional sense, but, well, it might be coming off that way.
“Your help, to summarize it,” Regulus says, meeting her dark eyes, “But I guess it’s more than that. I need your influence. I need to—” He chooses his words carefully, “Befriend the other Slytherins.”
“Are you that desperate to get away from Evan and Barty, Regulus? I know they’re annoying, but—”
“No,” Regulus doesn’t let her finish, “I'm not joking around. This is bigger than that, Dorcas. This is for the war.”
For context, Dorcas is quite influential amongst the other Slytherins. She’s an upperclassman, incredibly bright, a talented quidditch player, and she just has something about her. She’s not someone that can be ignored. Dorcas doesn’t fade into the background or wish to not be seen like Regulus always has. She’s never been in second place. Miraculously, she’s achieved all of this despite being a half-blood. Regulus isn’t sure how many of them realize, but Dorcas’ mother is a pure-blood witch and is extremely well-respected within society. She had Dorcas a bit later than most and never married, which would typically ostracize a woman from people, but for some reason, it didn’t in her case. No one’s opinion wavered. Her daughter has maintained that same level of luck and reverence, and Regulus needs a piece of it.
To do what Dumbledore is asking of him, and do it right, he’s going to have to gain the trust of a lot of people who, frankly, don’t like him very much. He doesn’t think he can manage that without Dorcas.
“The war? What are you talking about?” Dorcas’ arms fall to her side and she tilts her head. The annoyance on her face morphs into confusion.
“There’s a lot I haven’t told you,” Regulus admits, although she’s smart enough to know that already.
“Okay,” She says, slowly, “Tell me then.”
So he does.