Clover Blooms in the Fields
Early October, 1976
If it wasn’t for Dumbledore making him a prefect, James realizes quickly, he and Regulus likely wouldn’t have come together like this. Even if they had, somehow, it would have been much more difficult to maintain the secrecy of their relationship from the rest of the school, particularly Sirius. The same amount of credit can be given to the Come-and-Go Room as well.
Sirius keeps the map on him at most times, using it to seek out open windows of mischief-making or track his friends throughout the castle. Recently, this has come to include Regulus, although James knows he used to keep an eye on his little brother in the years prior as well. It’s just that now, he isn’t worried about anyone thinking he’s still attached to his parents by doing it.
They’ll be sitting in the dorm, lazing about in the evening or sitting in the library and Sirius will suddenly say, “Reg just went to the astronomy tower, bet he’s looking up at the family, sentimental little git.” or “Reg is always with Malfoy, do you reckon they’re dating?”
It’s brotherly curiosity and concern manifesting in a way that would surely enrage Regulus due to the whole invasion of privacy thing, but James lets it happen. He’s walking a tight line trying to act no differently about Regulus in the past, so as not to tip Sirius off about anything. He’s also curious about Regulus’ whereabouts when they aren’t together, even if some of Sirius' observations rather annoy him.
Although to be honest, James highly doubts that Sirius would ever assume that he and Regulus are– well, that they’re whatever they are. They haven’t given it a name, and for some reason, James feels a bit embarrassed calling Regulus his boyfriend, even in his head . Maybe it’s because Reg feels like more than that to James, because boyfriend doesn’t really encapsulate what the two of them are to each other. Or maybe, most likely, it’s because boyfriend is just kind of a stupid name. Boyfriend , James thinks to himself, I have plenty of “boy friends”. How the hell is anyone supposed to know that Regulus is my boyfriend-boyfriend? Even though Regulus isn't his boyfriend, at least not officially. They haven't talked about it, and haven't needed to. They just are what they are, and they're happy. At least, James is happy. He thinks Regulus is happy. The only damper on things right now is Sirius. James does feel guilty about not telling Sirius, but not enough to stop what he's doing or confess.
These are the things James finds himself thinking about most often. It’s all Regulus these days, not that he’s complaining. Things have been, well, perfect between the two of them since they kissed in Honeydukes Cellar. They don’t often see each other outside of rounds, but they spend a few hours together afterward in the Come-and-Go room, kissing or talking or lying together. It’s all rather picturesque, really. Also, even though he didn’t ask him to, Remus seems to make an effort to keep Sirius occupied during James and Regulus’ prefect rounds ever since their conversation by James’ bed. James appreciates it, but he's also curious. Remus had said he knew how James felt, and James knows he didn’t mean Regulus– he meant in general, with the whole fancying blokes thing. The thing is, James can’t figure out who the bloke is that Remus feels something for. He supposes he could just ask, but neither of them has brought it up again, so he feels odd broaching the subject.
There are instances though, when he sees Remus’ eyes linger a moment longer on Sirius than they do for anyone else that he thinks he might know. But no, James tells himself, there’s no way it’s Sirius. I mean, it’s Sirius, who they’ve been best friends with since they were literal children. Sirius, who as amazing and perfect as James believes him to be, is also loud, and messy, and chaotic. There’s no way that Remus could feel that way about him. I mean, James must just have some weird fixation on the Black brothers for him to suspect that. Even if it was Sirius, there’s nothing that can be done, which is more reason for James to tell himself it’s not him who Remus likes. Sirius and girls have gone together for as long as he’s known him. Sirius was the first of them to snog a girl, the first to have a girlfriend, and the list goes on. Surely, Remus, level-headed, introspective Remus, wouldn’t do that to himself– fall for someone who would never fall in return.
But there are also times when he thinks it has to be Sirius, based on the way Moony softens or snaps especially for him.
Take now for example, it’s the day of the full moon and Remus’ emotions are running high as they always do, and Sirius is fussing over him and Remus is getting irritated, like really irritated. They've been arguing the entire day. Even James, who always does his best to empathize with Moony on his transformation days, can see that it’s a bit targeted.
“Sirius,” Remus hisses, shooting daggers with his eyes, “If you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to kill you. Like, actually kill you.”
That’s Remus’ line. He likes to say that when the boys annoy him, but the venom in his voice and the slightly crazed look in his eyes right now is more than off-putting, especially knowing that he’ll be transformed in just a few hours, roaming the forest with Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail. They’ve all learned, over time, that Remus’ human emotions can transfer over during his transformation if they’re strong enough. For that reason, they all keep their distance leading up to the moon, only offering help when Remus is agreeable.
“I’d like to see you try, Remus.” Sirius rolls his eyes, not leaving his spot on Remus’ bed. He’s trying to get him to eat. “Besides, all I’m trying to do is help you. You’re miserable.”
“Pads,” James says warningly, “Leave him be, yeah?”
“Why should I leave him to suffer when he could do something to feel a little less terrible? He’s being an idiot, he knows that he feels better when he eats before the transformation, so why won’t he just do it?”
“I don’t need you to baby me, Sirius! For you to come here and sit on my bed and pretend like you actually care about me! Like I’m not just here for your entertainment!” Remus shouts, pointing his finger from his chest to Sirius. “Enough!”
Remus is breathing heavily, staring at Sirius, who shrinks back. Remus doesn’t usually get mad at Sirius, doesn’t really get mad at anyone.
“Moony...” Sirius starts before Remus cuts him off.
“Stop.” He whispers, closing his eyes and fisting his hands by his sides. He says it like it hurts. “Don’t call me that, not right now.”
James and Peter are standing there exchanging glances as they very clearly witness something that’s not meant for the two of them. This– whatever is happening here, is cutting Remus deep. He can see that it’s doing the same to Sirius as well, but James doesn’t know why. Maybe he’s not the only one keeping some spare secrets.
“Is this about the prank, Remus?” Peter asks, nervously, “Because I know you were upset about that, but Sirius apologized and–”
“Peter,” Remus grits out, flinching at the mention of last year, “For the sake of everyone here I just- please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up.”
Peter looks rather affronted, snapping his mouth closed as his round cheeks turn ruddy. “I was just trying to help. You two go absolutely bonkers when you fight, it’s not normal and-”
“Pete, mate, stop while you’re ahead,” James warns again. He’s not getting involved in this. This is between Sirius and Remus, and he’s just playing referee for a moment. “Why don’t we give Pads and Moony a minute, yeah?” Pete nods, and the two of them leave the dormitory, Sirius and Remus still staring at each other in heated silence.
James knows that Pete is trying to help in a way that he understands, but it’s not going to work. Sirius and Remus don’t make sense, they bicker more than any of them in the group and then they have these moments of softness that James doesn’t see between anyone else, even himself and Sirius. That’s how he knows that this isn’t just about the prank. No, James isn’t even sure it’s about the prank at all. Remus has, as much as he’s been able to, moved past that. The frustration and anger and pain that he was feeling back there? That’s not about the prank. Not anymore. It was too raw.
“You’re a good friend, Pete,” James assures. “They’re just caught up in the moment.” The two of them are walking out of the portrait hole now, making their way towards the hospital wing. It’s nearing dusk, so whether Remus and Sirius make up, they’ll have to meet them there anyway.
“Thanks, James,” Peter sighs, smiling at James gratefully. “Those two are so mad, you’d think they were a married couple, arguing like that. Sirius dotes on Remus like it’s his job.”
James' stomach drops, as he realizes. Like, really realizes. That inkling he had before? It’s been turned into thick splotches, spreading steadily until it’s covering everything. It comes to James quickly, flashes in his mind of the lingering touches between Sirius and Remus, the heightened emotions, everything. “I know how you feel, you know.” Remus had said. “Yeah, James. I do.”
Remus Lupin fancies Sirius Black.
-
“He’s not coming.”
That’s all that Remus had said. Something about the finality in his voice didn’t even allow James to question it. Sirius had never not shown up on the night of a full moon, even when he and Remus weren’t speaking after the prank. Right now though, James thinks he won't come.
The two of them, James and Peter, just made their way to the Shrieking Shack silently, waiting to reveal themselves from beneath the cloak after Remus arrived with Madame Pomfrey.
As they sat there, silence eating them up in the walls of Shrieking Shack, James believes that Sirius wasn’t going to show up. Having realized what he did about Remus’ feelings for Sirius, James feels his heart breaking for Remus. Sirius not showing up for the moon, even if it had been at Remus’ request, shows a real breakdown of what the two shared. A breakdown like that, James thinks to himself, is a breakdown of the Marauders as a whole. He can feel the loss of Sirius in the group just in that short period as they wait for the full moon to begin. They're not complete without the four of them. It's always been all of them together.
“You better change,” Remus says to them, breaking the quiet permeating around the three of them.
Only seconds later, like an act of God, or fate, or something, Sirius bursts through the door, panting.
“I don’t care if you don’t want me here,” Sirius says firmly, only looking at Remus, “Moony does.”
It felt like something out of a story– the guy showing up at the right time, just before disaster struck, and the look in Remus’ eyes. Oh Merlin, the look in Remus’ eyes when he saw Sirius, it was enough for James to understand how Remus feels, even if he can’t quite wrap his head around the Sirius part of it.
Remus lets out a choked sob that quickly turns into screams of agony as the transformation begins. James, Sirius, and Peter quickly change into their Animagus forms, staying back as the wolf emerges. Minutes later, Moony is there, curled up on the floor and whimpering slightly, confused. Padfoot carefully approaches, nuzzling him with his snout. When Moony doesn’t growl or snap at him, he gets closer and licks the fur on Moony’s head.
It was like all was forgotten after that. All the anger and unresolved feelings, they had no place here. It was the best full moon they had had in some time, running together through the Forbidden Forest, not a care in the world. There was only the shared animalistic joy and freedom between the four of them. Moony and Padfoot running ahead of Prongs and Wormtail, barking playfully as they chase each other.
When they return to the Shack, Sirius and James support Moony, setting him down carefully on his dusty cot. Sirius turns to the three of them, a wild grin on his face.
“That was special, wasn’t it?” He asks them eagerly, his eyes shining. “I mean, that was really fun. We haven’t had a night like that in ages!”
“It was,” James agrees, smiling back, grateful that things feel normal even after the moon is over. Peter nods beside him, his round face glowing with happiness in the dim morning light of the Shack. Even amid his pain post-transformation, Remus has a weak smile on his face.
“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius says, his voice a little more sheepish now, “Imagine if Regulus was an Animagus? I mean, I’m not saying that he actually should be, but it’d be cool, wouldn’t it? If Reggie could run around with us?”
It surprises James that Sirius feels bold enough to mention the idea of bringing someone else into the fold, since Regulus running around with them would include him knowing that Remus was a werewolf. Sirius isn't the best person to suggest something like that, all things considered. James eyes Remus warily, but he doesn't react, just lies on his cot, eyes closed and face passive.
“What do you think he’d be? A snake like his house?” Peter questions. Sirius and James shake their heads. I mean, they were all in Gryffindor and none of them were lions. Plus, a snake just didn’t fit Regulus. He's too– well, James isn’t sure, but there’s something about him that's distinctly un-snakelike, in his opinion.
“Maybe a dog like Sirius?” James offers, unable to settle on a choice. He can’t really imagine it, to be honest.
“No way,” Sirius barks, laughter in his voice, “Reggie is far too refined to be a mutt like me.”
“He’d be a cat,” Remus croaks from his bed, opening his eyes and looking at them. “He’d definitely be a cat. Probably a black one, too. Like a little shadow.”
James can see it, after that. Regulus as a little black cat roaming the forest with them, slinking around corners and chasing mice. "Imagine cat-Reg trying to catch Wormtail," He laughs, "I'd pay to see that."
Peter lets out a sound of betrayal, but they're all laughing now. It would be fun, James thinks, having Regulus in on it with them. He imagines Regulus's big grey eyes peering at Prong's antlers suspiciously before swatting them. James laughs again.
"We know he's got the claws already," Sirius remarks, nodding solemnly. "The transformation is half complete and Reggie doesn't even know it."
The four of them let out peels of laughter, filling the dingy shack with it. Eventually, they taper off, smiling at each other slightly.
"Well," Remus says primly, as they all get quiet, "I've always wanted a pet cat."