The Beginnings
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James wakes up quite early today, he always does. He enjoys the quiet and the felling of the day being somewhat longer that way, which it technically is for him. He’s always trying to catch every ray of sunshine into his palms and cherish it like a precious gift. It makes him feel at ease and never fails to bring up his spirits. He enjoys the night, of course, but prefers to make the most of the day. Today, the sun is rising beautifully, he watches it, while drinking his morning coffee.
”Again? You’re going to be all over the place at work, you’re not able to sit still on your own energy supplies,” Lily chips in playfully, as she enters the kitchen to watch the sun rise with him before they head out.
She always makes fun of him for the coffee. He couldn’t agree more with the statement that his energy levels definitely don’t need any enhancing, but it’s just his private ritual that he’s not willing to give up.
”Well, the place would become completely tedious otherwise so I’m willing to sacrifice myself and bare the burden of saving it from that fate, I’ll take it all upon myself just for the sake of humanity,” James replies with a poker face and Lily snorts, eyes full of fondness.
They’re roommates, moved in with each other after graduating as they went to school together. They got through it with major help of one another. They never were the outcasts of any sort and people grew to respect them with time. That state of things have probably had something to do with their amiable charm or their fierce personalities, they always knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to fight for it, never backed down. Lily was directed more inwards than James so at first, with her gentle, meek aura and the usual state of being hidden behind the book she was currently reading, she didn’t seem like a type to be bold or assertive when needed. But people have learned soon enough that she could stand up for herself just fine and wouldn’t let anyone disrespect neither her nor the ones she loved. One time, she kept getting harassed by some older students, who were probably just bored and in need of messing with someone, presumably weaker, to boost their own ego. What they didn’t realise, was how much of a mistake they’ve made in targeting Lily- after trying to have it out with them kindly (it didn’t work), she punched one of the bullies right in the face and made quite an uproar, which has soon enough gathered the attention of the whole corridor, leaving the gits embarrassed and petulant. After that, nobody has ever dared to bother her again. Of course, James went to see what all the fuss was about in an instant and, seeing the scene, instantly made a decision to do everything in his power to make Lily fall for him.
He was just as intense and expressive as her, mostly directing it outwards, which has often made for a chaotic rollercoaster to be around him. He was liked, known mostly for his sport abilities, and pulling pranks, awaited by everyone like salvation in their dull school. But the thing is, only the closest of friends knew him well enough to be aware of the fact, that there was much more to him than being a restless ball of positivity. Only a few realised, that he took care of everyone else not only because he was all heart, but also because that would distract him from the need to take care of himself as well. That he didn’t even really allow himself to feel bad at all and never believed he was enough, while believing he was too much at the same time.
He wouldn’t let Lily out his sight after the punch scene, absolutely enamoured with her. And when James puts his mind to something, there is nothing that could stand between him and achieving it. In this case the goal was the reciprocation of his passionate feelings. For a long time, she hasn’t returned them but as he grew on her, which he managed to pull off by impressive consistency, they did end up dating for a while. It didn’t last very long though, as they’ve both realised that they were actually better off as friends. James had also started to see how much he wanted to prove, to himself really, that he was enough, and ”winning” Lily was a determinant factor of that in his mind. And that was one of the patterns often recurring in his life.
It hasn’t been strange or awkward later, not even for a second, they’ve actually got even closer as the pressure was gone for both sides of the party. Because Lily has also felt it, on her part it was the voice in the back of her mind, enforcing her to develop the feelings and leaving her with pangs of conscience and frustration with herself when she couldn’t. The turn of events was quite unexpected, but in the end, everything worked out well for them.
”After all this time I still don’t quite believe we’re doing this,” James murmurs with a small smile, referring to their work at the space center.
”But we are, let’s toast to that,” Lily smiles back as she clings their coffee mugs together.
”Cheers. But you’re a hypocrite, you know, for the coffee thing. Double standards,” James scoffs, but there’s not a trace of actual irritation in his voice.
”Well, that’s life for you,” Lily states, the smile not leaving her face and slowly turning into a full grin.
Because they really are making their dreams come true. It all started when they’ve joined the science club in their last year, wanting to get some extra preparation for their final exams- Lily’s doing, obviously. They intended to improve themselves in physics, which was their obligatory exam, and astronomy, which they took just because there weren’t any places left in other classes. What they didn’t expect, when joining the club, was how deeply they would get into the swing of it, especially James, who was never the book smart type of a person, or at least in his own eyes he wasn’t. But it wasn’t dull and mundane, like in class, and in some unexplainable way, he has found what he was always looking for in there, without even knowing what that was before finding it.
The breakthrough happened when they went on a school trip with their club, to the mountains. The goal was to make observations through the telescopes, as they got the funding to buy them, use the astrophotography skills they have learned in practice, and just watch the night sky in general. They’ve packed their backpacks and when it got late enough, embarked on the journey. To see the sky clearly, it was crucial to get to the big, open hills. After some time they got there and that was when the magic happened.
James had learned to recognise basic constellations and stars before. So he started gazing upon them, successfully locating the Big and Little Ursa- almost immediately, as they’re the most visible. After a moment, he has also distinguished Hercules, Virgo, Orion, Perseus and Cetus. It was thrilling to be able to do that, but there was one constellation he was really looking forward to finding, the Leo one. He has always identified with the animal and wished to cherish and develop the qualities he thought similar between them, or at least aspired for them to be- courage, strength and nobility, the lion has symbolised all these for centuries and does to this day. He had read in one of his guides once, that the best way to locate the constellation is through finding the Ursa Major first, then looking for the bright star near it, the Regulus star, which is the constellation’s brightest one. Because of the fact, it’s also called the Lion’s Heart, James has always found that incredibly adorable. The most interesting thing he has ever learned about it, was that it shined one hundred and fifty times brighter than the Sun. It was an unexpected fact, seeing that people see the Sun as the brightest of all stars and yet it can be outshined, he wondered why the fact was not known at all.
And after a while, James did manage to find Regulus, which lead him to the Lion- himself, as he liked to think. Like a silent guide. He lied down on the grass and watched it for so long that he lost track of time. For once, everything just went quiet, internally, that is, which was unusual for him. Everything had always been so loud and intense before and he couldn’t turn it down. He liked that new state. In the upcoming years he would often come back to gaze at this particular star when he needed everything to go quiet again.
At that moment in time, he moved closer to Lily, who seemed to be just as fascinated and exhilarated as him. He turned his head to meet her gaze and, as they looked into each other’s eyes, they just knew, without saying anything, that they have both just decided this was the only path for them.
And they did as they decided, applied for college together- got into one of the best international space studies institutes, both got their degrees there and started working at the same space center. James has finished the training to become an astronavigator, which essentially means a job of navigating through space. He plots the courses, calculates trajectories and ensures that the spacecraft doesn’t get lost and reaches its destination safely and efficiently. He also needs to be on the lookout for potential threats and plan how to avoid them, with the pressure of needing to make split-second decisions if necessary, the ones that could mean the difference between life and death, as he works closely with the ship’s pilot. The position not only requires strategical thinking abilities but also knowing how to show courage and act spontaneously without panicking. He is a person who’s good at that, so he supposes that, apart from the knowledge he’s acquired, that’s what makes him this good at his job. And the feeling of being in Space can’t compare neither to anything he has ever felt before nor to anything he ever will, he’s sure of that. Anyone who has ever gone to Space would probably say the same thing. It cannot be described with the use of words, really. He would say it’s like floating but it really is floating. So, metaphorically then, it feels like floating, regardless of whether he really is or not. And even though everything seems so surreal there, nothing has ever reminded him more of the fact that he is real and alive.
James loves the adrenaline but likes the calmer part of flying and navigating just as much, it was the reason why he started at all, actually. He usually navigates using the positions of the stars. It feels silly to admit, as it’s such a grand position and other navigators he has met have all had stories about how they were fascinated with Space ever since they were kids, reading college level lectures on the topic while still in school, but for him it all comes down to one simple moment. The one on the school trip, when everything went quiet. That moment when, while lying on the fields, he managed to locate the Leo constellation for the first time, navigating through the Regulus star and decided that was what he wanted to do with his life.
”Lils!” James shouts after a while, Lily went into her room back again, ”Do you have anything on the next mission you’re in yet? I’m considering selling my kidney to these wrinkled, old prats just to have you looking out for me.”
”No, nothing has changed since you’ve last asked, which was yesterday, let me remind you,” Lily laughs as she comes back to the kitchen. ”But I assure you that I’ll let you know as soon as they fill me in more. I will have to be in charge of the station and the controllers after all, well, if I’m going to be there, that is, so it’s ridiculous how secretive they are about it and how long they keep us in the dark.”
The details of the operation are hardly known yet, the astronauts who are going to be directly involved know the basics, the workers know nothing at all and the rest, people who are not linked to their inner circle in any way, don’t know about the existence of the plan at all. So it has been quite a mystery so far. All that is known is the fact that this expedition is said to be the mission of the century. The man who’s behind it all, the mastermind, is named Albus Dumbledore, if Lily remembers correctly. He’s the one who conceived the idea, came up with the plan and developed it further. He’s the head of the Crew Operations Panel, a group of representatives from the most important international space centers, the team of people, who are the highest in rank, so high that it’s not possible to hold any positions more important than theirs, and decide on who is going to be in the crew of a specific mission. In this case, the astronauts are being commissioned from the biggest space stations in different parts of the world. The ones, who the panel believes to be the ”crème de la crème” in their fields of expertice. As the inventor, Dumbledore has, obviously, the final say in the matter and his criteria matter the most. Whatever they are, maybe nobody knows that fully.
”Yeah, absolutely, the bastards, we don’t like them, yada yada. The question is, will you keep an eye on me if we’re about to work together? I will fill you in on all the gossip when I get a hold of the receiver and I’m going to be absolutely insufferable about it if you don’t.”
”You’re insufferable enough as it is, I’m afraid. And also, I have no doubt that you’ll be locked up somewhere by the time, if you try to do it more than once. Sometimes, I wonder how on earth do they assign you to missions that serious,” Lily retorts, trying to look solemn and hide her smile but failing miserably, which sends them both into a wave of laughter.
”Well, firstly, we’re going to be in Space, not on Earth,” James throws a pun of which he seems to be immensely proud. ”Secondly, they want me there, because I’m the best and they won’t accomplish anything otherwise, so, these are the repercussions they need to accept,” he adds, taking a loud slurp of his coffee, fully intending to annoy the girl, given what they’ve talked about just a while ago.
”The size of your ego never ceases to amaze me,” Lily says, shaking her head.
James really does have a terrifyingly large ego but it doesn’t make him bigheaded or pretentious in any way, just playfully smug if anything. She knows him long enough to be aware of the fact that behind it, he’s hiding great amounts of self-consciousness, constant overthinking-anxiety mix and the crippling need for external approval. She also knows how humble he really is in his heart- his ego is the size of the lake but he has the heart to match it. These are not her words, she had read them once and hasn’t forgot ever since as they fit him perfectly. She uses them to describe James when she needs to sum up his character in one sentence, when someone new asks about him, for instance.
”Right, unfortunately it’s not my fault that I’m this flawless at everything I commence,” he sighs. ,,And also, you’re just as flawless as me and they need you down there just as much, you just decide to make it less difficult for them.”
While James has gone down the path of conquering the Universe, Lily has decided to stay on Earth instead. She works at the Mission Control Center (MCC in short) aka Ground Control. It’s a part of the ground segment of spacecraft operations where a staff of flight controllers monitor all aspects of the ongoing mission and send commands to the vehicle. They manage space flights, from the point of launch and until the landing. During a mission, there are about 50 people there, which might seem to be a lot, but in reality, every single one has their plate full having their own duties so that everything could work out. She had started as a flight controller and then became a flight director, which means, that she’s the one in charge of the flight controllers who work there, needing to coordinate all activities and make sure that everything goes smoothly and the space station is safely operated. The position requires the skills of interpersonal communication, organisation and team management. Lily thrives in environments like these, where she can work with people for people. She has always been keen on taking care of others and it may seem like a distant comparision between that, and the job of sitting behind the computer, but in reality these two things aren’t that far away. While working, she feels like the astronauts’ safety could depend on what she does or doesn’t do, and she needs to stay focused at all times. She stays on Earth so that the people who are in Space have a higher chance of returning here once again. The thing that puts her higher and higher in the ranks is the ability to activate the part of her mind which is as sharp as a sword, while being able to keep her gentleness and compassion at the same time. That second asset gets more problematic when she gets back home after work though, because all the emotions and worries she bottles up there begin to spill out of her when she returns. She feels other people’s emotions very deeply which often makes being at her profession an emotional rollercoaster. She rarely has time to rest during the mission and when she technically can, her head is still back there. But she feels like she makes a difference, behind the scenes of course, so people will probably not know her, as she will not have any achievements that go down in history. She doesn’t really care about that though, all that is important to her is that she will know she did everything in her power to help someone, who’s achievements will go down in history, get back home.
”I know they do need me there,” Lily responds confidently. ”And jokes aside, I really hope they assign me to monitor your mission, it would make me feel much more at peace for the course of it.”
Which is true, it would save her a lot of worries to know how it is going at all times and have some kind of an influence about it. Well, at least as much as it’s possible in this situation, which is never fully. And she’s almost sure that they will assign her- firstly, because of her high-ranking, it’s a commonly known fact that she has definitely secured herself an impressive position. Secondly, their space center is the ”heart” of the whole expedition because of the fact that Dumbledore is its representative. The identities of other astronauts aren’t known yet, they keep doing their own trainings for now, James included. He keeps talking about his preparations so much that it gets unbearable, but Lily knows that he’s just exhilarated so she refrains from making remarks about it- she doesn’t want to put out his enthusiasm. Also, it gets funny sometimes, he often just jumps around the room after he gets home, rambling excitedly over and over about the things he practices at the time, as if he was doing them for the first time in his life.
In the near future, the other astronauts will be transferred to her’s and James’ station and they will start their mission-centered, training, both individual, oriented in their own fields of expertise and a joint one- to learn how to cooperate together.
Regardless of the probability of her being appointed to the job, she doesn’t want James to keep his hopes up so she keeps her’s own to herself.
”Well, we need to get going, or we’ll be late and I do not intend to give the big guys any reason to doubt me, especially now” Lily reminds to break the silence that has sank between them. Also, she absolutely doesn’t trust James' ability to keep track of time and his sense of punctuality. When working, he’s precise as a clock, it’s as if he goes into a trans of some sort and unlocks a part of his brain that many wouldn’t think he had in him, which is fair because, before all this had started he wasn’t aware of it either. But otherwise, his demeanour is being an absolute mess. But in a good way, a mess that uplifts the spirits of those around him without even trying.
”Whaaat iifff-” James starts, but doesn’t even get to finish his sentence, as Lily immediately cuts him off.
”Nope.”
”Rude. Maybe I wanted to make a proposal so profound that your jaw would drop from admiration?”
”I’m guessing that your proposal was to stay home or to go hang out on these hills you’re concerningly obsessed with, wasn’t it?”
”Yeah, it was. But you’ve guessed just by luck.”
”Whatever helps you sleep at night, come on now or I’ll just leave without you.”
James flashes her a big grin and they head off.
Oh, how he loves the mornings.
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Regulus wakes up late, as usual. He wonders if it’s ever going to change but the idea seems absurd, which annoys him, because waking up late often makes him frustrated for the rest of the day. He prefers to stay organised and in control so he could really benefit from a prolonged day and from starting it with a clear mind. He decides to stop whining about it though, makes himself a cup of coffee and sits down near the window to drink it. It’s his private ritual of some kind. It’s not really for the caffeine, he’s not really responsive to it, it’s just that it lets his mind get quiet at least for a few minutes a day, so it’s like a ritual, he has a couple of these.
He takes a look around the house and realises that Pandora has already left, while he was still sleeping.
To be honest, Regulus cannot keep up with all the things Pandora does. She’s not an astronaut but her love for Space is greater than some of the ones he’s met, which tells a lot about how the degree doesn’t always determine the level of devotion to the subject. Regulus often wonders why didn’t she want to get more into it, how amazing would it be to work together? But she’s more of a free spirit- she loves the Universe mostly in a spiritual way. She collects crystals (puts them on Regulus’ head to heal him, as she claims) or keeps track of the lunar cycles to prepare all kinds of ceremonies according to them. She has made Regulus an amulet, for when he went on his first mission- a small necklace made from clay, in the shape of a daisy, his favourite flower- to protect him from evil energies or any bad luck.
Pandora maintains a balcony-kind-of-garden, where she grows herbs, flowers and vegetables- most for them she leaves for Regulus and herself and the rest of them she sells at the local market.
Moreover, she has recently opened her own buisness- a small and intimate arts & crafts store where she sells all kinds of art, from paintings, through ceramics to crochet wonders. She does it all. The store is also a place where her workshop is located and she spends the majority of her time there, creating, so they don’t see each other very much these days, which is a shame.
They try to uphold their traditions though, the main one being the little movie night at least once a week- with sweets, hot chocolate and all that. They’ve been having these nights since they were kids. Back then, Regulus had to sneak out of his home for the occasion- which was the most rebellious thing in his career, seeing how terrorised by his mother he was feeling. But despite of that, he looks back on his acts of secret disobedience with fondness, like he was standing up to her. Even if he didn’t have the strength to do it face to face, it still felt like it.
So they’ve never stopped the movie nights. A funny thing is, he still feels like he’s doing something illegal sometimes, when they watch the movies. And he’s an adult, sitting under the blanket, dressed in silly pyjamas and eating candy- really illegal and rebellious indeed. He genuinely can’t imagine what he would do if someone, except for Pandora, saw him in that state.
Especially today, as today is the day, which Regulus had purposefully forced out of his mind before. He needs to put all of himself in the box deep inside and switch it all up. He’s flying to another space center this evening to meet up with the head of the Crew Operations Panel in a few days, as he has been assigned to be the captain of the lined up mission. The man is the inventor of the plan and therefore, in charge.
Because of Regulus’ position as the captain, he has to be there earlier than the rest of the crew. The be the captain of the spaceship is the most demanding task of all. He holds the highest position of authority and is fully entrusted with the safety of the vessel and crew. He manages the overall course of a mission ensuring its success, which requires diplomatic and strategic skills. The easiest way to put it is that in the moment something happens, when everything falls apart and all of the others lose their heads, he is the one who cannot do that and needs to be on top of the situation to regain control of it. A captain assigns duties and maintains discipline so his actions and personality must inspire loyalty and compliance in the crew under his command, as the staff tends to become disaffected and mutinous when they lose respect for their leader’s decisions and the leader himself. He also needs to be a spontaneous and inventive military tactician, able to act on any threat to the ship as well as perform diplomatic duties if necessary. His role is to make demands so he has the final say in all matters on board, which he needs to supervise. So, essentially, he’s specialised in all of the crew members’ fields and coordinates them all.
That’s a huge amount of intellectual and emotional pressure. There were other captains, Regulus has heard of, who couldn’t stand it and cracked as their responsibilities had became too much for them. The fact has prompted them to commit acts outside their best interest, the tragical ones included. He doesn’t lose his composure and self-control though, not ever. If there’s a person, who is fit perfectly for this position, it is indeed Regulus. Some people say that a person has to have some dictatorial and authoritarian tendencies to manage that but that’s not exactly true. There’s a fine line between compliance and rebellion- you need to command respect but also be able not to get above yourself, divide yourself from the staff or elevate yourself to the level of some ruler who is grater than the other members of it. It’s incredibly easy to cause an uproar in the vessel. You need to keep the balance between formality and informality or flexibility and rigidity at all times, which requires people skills as well as empathy. And Regulus is great at the job.
His whole family has worked in the space industry for generations and they are all named after the stars, so, naturally, both him and his brother have taken this path too. The plan to become a captain was for Sirius as he was the firstborn. They have been training him for the position since he was a kid, which seemed a bit excessive, to be honest, but they always were that way. Sirius wasn’t quite fit for the job though- he was always more of an outgoing, friendly type, not one to aspire or feel comfortable with formality and the need to keep people in line. That made for a huge disappointment for their parents, they had immensely high hopes for him and felt like the family honour has been tarnished in some way. Because they have definitely had some authoritarian tendencies. Sirius kept rebelling against them regardless and when, one day, he refused to train anymore and none of the punishments managed to force him into changing his mind- that was their parents’ last straw. They’ve gone absolutely feral and they’ve started to take all the anger out on him even more than they already have before. He was just a teenager back then but the fact didn’t stop him from running away from home. He moved in with their uncle, Alphard, who was the family outcast as well. Soon after that he was disowned, just like Alphard had been before, and became a sore subject in their home, meaning, that they didn’t talk about him anymore. It was as if he ceased to exist, and to be fair, for their parents’ he definitely did.
So, after Regulus has been left alone with them, all the pressure doubled up and was put on him. He has developed a thick skin, had to, and did all he could to fulfill their expectations. He was usually balancing between the anger directed at his big brother, for being abandoned him, and the anger directed at himself, for not being able to leave as well- Sirius did try to convince him to do that, multiple times. Maybe he was a coward, not as brave as him. Or maybe he was just a child.
Regardless, he has stayed. Learned to push everything, that made it more difficult, deep inside- every feeling, thought, every part of himself that made him soft, so essentially, he has stashed down all of himself as if it was a whole different person. That person often tried to make it to the surface, as if they were drowning, but with time the occurrence got more and more rare. So rare, that Regulus has fully divided ”them”, crossed a sharp line between all these parts of himself and blurred the one between pretending and reality, as the time went on, he could differentiate them less and less. And the sad part is, he wouldn’t do any of that if he didn’t need it in order to survive. So now, he finds himself trying to survive automatically, even though he isn’t in any danger anymore.
He’ll think about whether he’s living or just existing later, obviously, now he needs to start packing his bags, as he’s not coming back home until after the mission. When finished, he’ll have nothing else to do except for awaiting Pandora to make his goodbyes.
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By the time Pandora gets home, Regulus has already packed and prepared for the trip. He managed to do that pretty quickly, so, in the spare time, he went for a walk to sit on his usual bench, write in his journal and read for a while, which has definitely calmed him and helped with his nerves- it always does, it’s another one of the rituals. Now he’s lying down on a couch and listening to music with his eyes closed and with his cat, Denebola, curled up beside him. He has adopted it from the shelter where Pandora is a volunteer. Regulus adores the animals there and comes with her whenever he has some free time to help.
Denebola got adopted two years ago. Her fur is jet-black and she was the most bashful of all of her siblings- stayed separated from them, not wanting to play. But when Regulus moved closer, the kitten has immediately clung to him, cuddling and not wanting to let go. She strongly reminded Regulus of himself for some reason, the black cats often do. Well, most of the cats, to be honest. There’s something secretive about them, they show so little about themselves at first but as you earn their trust, they begin to show you more and more of what’s ”on the inside”, their love and devotion turns out to be unwavering. It’s just a quieter kind of love, more of a private one. But he thinks it just makes it more special if anything.
The name Denebola comes from the name of a star, he decided to uphold the tradition. It’s the second brightest star in the Leo constellation, the one to which Regulus belongs, being the brightest one.
That’s quite a dignified status to have and she proudly owns up to it with her elegant demeanour but, when they’re alone, she usually has no decorum whatsoever. She often just keeps jumping and running happily all around the room, spreading absolute chaos. Later, when she tires, she wants to cuddle with him so badly that he cannot free himself until she falls asleep- without a care in the world. She really reminds Regulus of himself sometimes. Or more like of that divided one, the tossed away and buried deep inside one, the too sensitive and delicate for this world one. He refuses to think about him right now.
Turns out he doesn’t have to- he feels a grip on his arm and, suddenly, a hand is pulling him up from the couch. He didn’t hear Pandora coming in because, as he realises now, he had zoned out, being somewhere far, far away in his thoughts.
”Hiya Reg!” She addresses him, sounding as if she had genuinely missed him when they were apart, even for a day. She always seems to be this way, which warms Regulus’ heart, as he secretly misses her just as much or even more.
”Hi, Pan. How have you been? I’ve intended to wake up earlier today but well, you know quite well how it is,” He sighs.
”Yup. And I knew you would probably be upset about it, especially as you leave today, so I wrote you a note. It said that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I drew daisies all over it, because they’re your favourite, and a sun, which, let me emphasise it, was smiling. I know you prefer the rain over it but it was sunny today and I enjoyed it so much that I needed to at least try and give you a part of that experience. So I made it a really, really friendly one. I couldn’t find the crayons so it wasn’t show-stopping or anything but I thought you could still put it in one of your journals as a reminder for when we’ll be apart and I won’t be able to tell you to be kind to yourself, but-”
”You forgot to leave it here and took it with you, it’s okay,” Regulus cuts her off, just to reassure her, smiling despite himself. No, more like grinning at her helplessly.
He doesn’t know how she does that, but she possesses some magical abilities to make him feel better just by being near him. Her presence brings out that side of him which he shares with her but usually tries to force out. And it does that in a good way, if that makes sense. Pandora is like a reflection of the ”Other Guy”, as he began to call these parts of him. She’s able to connect all that is disconnected within him, at least a little, because in her, he sees all that he tries to forget is his own as well. That’s what he means when he says that they’re the same while not being the same at all. Pandora makes him feel defenceless without making him feel terrified about it. Reminds him that he feels so deeply even when he keeps convincing himself that he doesn’t feel at all. He’s not able to feel that way around any other person and he really hopes she knows it.
”Well…yeah. I did forget to leave it here,” Pandora smiles sheepishly. ”But we could pretend I didn’t and I’ll give it to you know.”
”Sounds great Dora,” Regulus chuckles.
”Okay, so, you need to lay back down and close your eyes and wait about five minutes so the scene could be at least a bit realistic. You know, like these performances we did when we were kids.”
Oh, yeah, these. They did perform little stories, in costumes and all. They loved pretending to be all these different people. Regulus has loved it too much, apparently, look at him now.
They performed for an audience- Pandora’s family. Mostly her parents, but sometimes her twin brother, Evan, would join in to watch as well. Regulus didn’t really talk to him at first, as he was quite reserved when it came to strangers, but after some time Evan stopped being a stranger and they’ve become friends, very slowly, but they have. It wasn’t a friendship like the one he shared with Pandora but the matters like friendship probably cannot be compared.
Evan was a quiet kid, on the first glance, but these were just first impressions. When you got to know him closer, you would realise that he had a glimpse of mischief in his eyes at all times, always a tiny smile in the corner of his mouth, which made him look like he was up to something or like he knew a joke that everyone else didn’t get yet.
He always dreamed of being a journalist, kept telling Regulus about it at their treehouse meetings- the treehouse was called a ”mission control center” which was Regulus’ idea, of course, but Evan seemed to like it.
When they got older, Evan moved out somewhere far away to study journalism and, unfortunately, they haven’t seen each other ever since.
”Earth to Regulus? Where have you gone?” Oh, right, he was too deep in thought again and failed to realise it.
He goes to the couch again and lays down, closing his eyes.
His thoughts drift off to the strange feeling he’s becoming aware of. That it’s like some suffocated side of him is able to breathe freely for a moment. Maybe that’s the freedom he’s been thinking about recently, when he kept wondering what should he even free himself from. Perhaps he’s imprisoned just by his own mind?
Pandora is so full of freedom that she’s unknowingly sharing it with him and everyone else she meets but never seems to run out of it despite the fact. He feels at peace while being with her and it’s such a rare occurrence for him to experience that state. She’s so full of life but, somehow, it doesn’t highlight and contrast the fact that he isn’t. Deep down, he really believes he has it in him to be as free as her, someday, maybe. It’s a really faint belief but it’s there somewhere nethertheless. And the strange feeling, he’s experiencing now, seems to agree with the statement.
”Okay, wake up! Or pretend-wake-up” Pandora commands.
”Fully awake,” Regulus informs, sitting back up.
He sees the note right beside him and, suddenly, he can feel the tears in his eyes. The sun, which Pandora drew for him, really is a friendly one. He doesn’t know why the fact, that he agrees, makes him so emotional- stupid, really.
He just stares at her for a minute, suddenly being back on that curbstone, all these years ago when they first met and he couldn’t look her in the eyes while crying. He still finds it hard but tries to remember the words she had said do him. And now, he does meet her gaze, all on his own. Smiles faintly and gets up to hug her. They don’t say anything at all, just like they didn’t on that day, almost too decades ago. There wasn’t any need for words then and there isn’t now. He’s almost sure that they share some kind of telepathy skills.
”By the way, you look really peaceful while sleeping, you know? I’ve seen this morning,” Pandora says, finally breaking the silence and the hug.
You look really peaceful
You
Look
Peaceful
Really peaceful
You
Peaceful
He wasn’t prepared for the force of these words, at all. It’s like a proof that it’s possible for it to be no ”Other Guy” or ”Filtered him” then, there is possible for him to be ”just Regulus”. Fully integrated, connected and peaceful. If it is possible for him while asleep so it needs to be possible while awake, right?
But for now, the ”Other Guy” has stayed behind, along with Pandora. He stayed where their long goodbyes took place and where Regulus has let his tears fall freely and fully after her words. For the last time before it all starts. He has stayed, because he would only hold Regulus back. And from this moment on, he cannot allow himself to be held back