My fingers shook, barely able to grip the door handle. I managed to push the door open, stumbling into my room. I fell down onto the floor, not even able to make it to my bed.
He was dead.
My rose was dead.
I was shaking and my vision was blurred.
The world was ending. It must be. It didn’t matter anyway, it wasn’t like I wanted to live anymore. Not after this.
I tucked my knees into my chest, trying to find anything in my brain that would save him. Anything I could've done to save him. Anything I could've done to save myself from this torture.
If only Evan hadn’t been there. If only I hadn't dodged out of the way. If only I hadn't been there.
But alas I was there and so was Evan. And there was the spell that was meant for me. And the spell that hit him.
But the worst part about it was I couldn’t seem to cry. It wasn’t like I wasn't sad about his death, it made me want to die. But I couldn't bring myself to get my eyes to wet.
I felt like shit for it. I loved him and it was my fault he was dead. And I couldn’t even bring myself to cry over it.
So there I sat, on my floor for Merlin knows how long, shaking and trying to breathe.
Eventually, the shaking subsided and the hand that seemed to be clutching my lungs seemed to soften.
I opened my eyes, staring down at my hands. They were still shaking slightly.
I hated myself. I hated myself for dodging out of the way. I hated myself for being part of his death. I hated myself for not telling him about my feelings for him.
I hated myself for loving him in general. If i had never been in love with him in general then i wouldn’t get this close to him and wouldn’t be in this much pain.
I missed him. That was my problem. I had never missed anyone before, especially not like this.
The hypervententalation started again and this time I couldn’t stop it. I wrapped my arms around my chest, not even trying to fight it.
I laid down on the ground, staring up at my ceiling. I thought about the way I would want to carve our initials into a tree every time I saw a tree or how I wanted to go stargaze with him every night.
Now it would never happen.
I closed my eyes, ignoring the knocking that I now heard on the door. I didn’t care who was there. I didn’t care who was going to try to help me because no one would be able to. No one would be able to bring him back. No one would be able to change his death. It was still going to be my fault.
My fault.
The words echoed in my head. No matter what i did, no matter what anyone did, it would always end up being my fault.
My fault for being there. My fault for dodging. My fault for not warning him. My fault for not being able to handle it myself. My fault for not killing Moody first.
MY FAULT.
“Barty?”
I ignored his words. I didn’t want to hear him. I didn’t want him to confirm anything. I didn’t want him to try to console me.
I didn’t want him to tell me Evan was dead. I didn’t want someone else to tell me that.
“Barty?” Regulus said again, walking over to me.
“Go away,” I muttered.
I was tired. I was so fucking tired.
I joined the death eaters to try to save Evan and Regulus, to keep them safe. Sure I joined them to defy my father and to get away from him, but i also wanted to keep them safe or at least die by their side.
And now Evan was dead before I got to tell him how I felt.
“Barty…” Regulus sighed as if he was not sure what to say. He sat down next to me, leaning his back against the wall.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, not being able to say anything. Honestly, what was there to say? Regulus lost his childhood best friend and I lost the boy I was in love with. And I wasn't sure who’s pain was worse.
“I loved him,” I whispered, staring up at the ceiling, to scared of what he would say.
Silence greeted me.
“I know,” he whispered back, “I know.”
“Was it that obvious?” I asked, a hysterical laugh slipping through my lips.
“Yeah,” he chuckled slightly.
We fell back into our silence, his breathing falling in sync with mine.
“I think he knew you know,” Regulus added.
“What?”
“Evan, I think he knew,” he said, “on some subconscious level.”
I sat up, nodding slightly.
“I hope so.”