Chapter One
Regulus
Regulus Black has spent his entire life trying to be perfect. The perfect son, the perfect minion, the perfect vampire.
Yes, Regulus has spent his entire life trying to be perfect, but he isn’t so sure he wants to anymore.
***
"Regulus", his mother calls, 'come down to dinner'
"Yes Mère ", Regulus hastily replies, careful not to set off Walburga's temper. Ever since he could remember, Regulus always needed to tread on his tip-toes around his mother. If he failed to do so, the consequences usually involved physical beating or going without food for a few days. But things were okay. Regulus knew how to act. He knew what to say. He knew the type of son he needed to be. And, usually, that was enough.
As Regulus walks downstairs, he notices the scent of fresh blood. Dread pools in his chest. They didn't, he thinks, they can't have.
When Regulus arrives in the dining hall, he sees it. Or, more accurately, her. There is a teenage girl, lying on the table. Blood is oozing out of her many open wounds, ruining her clothes and putting mats in her long, blond hair, but, as Regulus can tell from her heartbeat, loud and fast, she is still very much alive. Regulus feels as though he may throw up.
"Come, sit down boy," Voldemort, the leader of the vampire council, says to him, "we're celebrating tonight."
"Celebrating?" Regulus manages to ask.
Lucius, another important council member, walks up to him. "We found you a wife," he informs, "a nice girl, from a respectable, pure-blooded family"
"I'm gay," Regulus replies, face blank, still staring at Lucius.
"REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK!!! WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!! I DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE 'GAY', AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE! YOU ARE TO MARRY A PUREBLOOD, AND GIVE US PUREBLOODED, VAMPIRE GRANDCHILDREN!!! YOU WILL NOT DISGRACE OUR FAMILY NAME!!!" Walburga screeches.
Regulus lets his shoulders sag. He knows that there is no fighting his mother, but he also can't agree to marry this woman. In the end, he decides to stay silent.
It must be the right decision, because Voldemort begins to speak to him. "Boy, this is not up for discussion. Regardless of whether or not you want it, tonight is your night."
Regulus knows what those words mean. He knows what Voldemort wants him to do. What Voldemort is forcing him to do. He takes a few deep breaths to steady himself.
Regulus' heart is in his chest as he walks towards the girl who is still lying on the table. The second he laid eyes on her, he lost his appetite, but he knows that he must drink from her anyway. To appease the council. To appease his parents. To be good enough to survive.
The first thing he does when he reaches her is coax his fangs out of his gums. The movement is usually so natural, something as basic and primal as breathing, but when it comes to drinking from a live human, Regulus always struggles.
He tries not to think about it. Tries to imagine himself someplace else, so that he can survive the night. He decides that he should get lost in a memory.
***
Regulus is five. He is sitting on his bed, crying in his 6-year-old brother’s arms. Sirius whispers nonsense into his ear, trying his very best to calm him. It isn’t working, because Sirius is crying too.
Regulus knows he feels guilty. He thinks that it is his job to protect Regulus. He thinks he has failed. And Regulus blames himself for his brother's pain.
If only he had been better. More perfect. If he hadn’t made a stupid mistake, his parents would not have punished him. If he was better he wouldn’t be covered in bruises right now. If he was better his brother wouldn’t be hurting right now. But Regulus has never been better. He’s never been good enough, and he never will be. Even at the young age of five, he knows that.
He doesn’t deserve the hand brushing through his hair. He doesn't deserve the words of comfort. He doesn’t deserve the warmth of the arms wrapped around him. He doesn't deserve Sirius. He deserves nothing.
At that realisation, he pulls away from Sirius and moves to the other end of the bed.
Sirius extends his arms, trying to pull his brother back into them, but Regulus stays where he is, shaking his head.
“I don't- I don't deserve you,” Regulus whispers.
Sirius just stares at him. And he looks…
broken.
“No. No, petite étolie. You've got it all wrong. I don't deserve you.” Sirius whispers back.
Regulus just stares at him.
“You are the only thing that makes this place standable. Your light turns this dark, dreary dungeon into a quasar. Do you know what that is?”
Regulus shakes his head.
“Quasars are the brightest thing in the entire universe. Young galaxies, just like you, giving life to an entire world, where anything is possible.”
“I- that’s not me! I’m not- I’m not good Sirius! I’m not amazing, or bright, I’m… I’m worthless. I’m not anything interesting, not anything remotely good, and I never will be. Please don’t pretend that I am.”
“I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You are so wonderful. I love you, Regulus,”
Regulus stares at Sirius for a few seconds, in pure shock, and when he finally comes back to his senses he attempts to compose himself. “No, you don't.”
“Regulus, i-. What reason do I have to lie?
“You… you love me?” Regulus’ voice is barely above a whisper now.
But Sirius still hears him. Sirius always hears him.
“You’re my baby brother. My best friend. Of course I love you.”
“You’ve never said that before”
“I know, but I want you to know, and from now on, I’ll say it as often as you need.”
Those words. Those simple, innocent words, made Regulus feel wanted for the first time in his young life. They made him feel like he wasn’t alone in the world, like he never would be.
***
After a few minutes, Regulus can feel something hard and sharp pressing against his lips, and he knows that it is time to strike.
He reaches his hand towards her slowly, almost romantically, and lifts her neck. Bringing his head down, he rests his lips on the stretch of skin he just made accessible, and opens his mouth.
As he sinks his fangs into the girl's soft skin, warm, thick blood flows into his mouth, and he begins to drink.
As he’s draining her, Voldemort speaks. "This one is all yours Regulus. Your first kill."
No.
No. No. No.
Regulus won't. He can't. It's bad enough to have to drink from this poor girl at all, but killing her? No.
Regulus' brain starts to work on overdrive. He needs to find a way out. There has to be one.
He pauses, thinking. Assessing his options. Praying to a god he doesn't believe in for some way, any way, out of this. There is, of course, no answer. But Regulus is smart. He can find a way out of this on his own. He has to.
“Regulus” his mothered stern voice calls, “do as the Lord asks”
Shit. He had taken too long. He needed to act and he needed to act now.
In a moment of pure panic, Regulus replies, “No.”
The entire room turns around to look at him, but Regulus doesn't back down,
“I won't kill her. I can't. I refuse.”
No one speaks. No one moves. They remain frozen by Regulus’ words.
After what feels like an eternity, Voldemort moves towards him. He doesn't say a word, his footsteps silent. Regulus knows to be scared.
Then, Voldemort smiles.
Regulus wants to run. He wants to get away and never come back. He knows how royally fucked he is. He knows what the punishment for what he just did will be. Regulus is going to die.
He stands there, waiting. The fear of what will come tearing at his insides. He imagines what it will be like. Painful, surely. And what would happen after? Where would he go? Would that just be it, or would there be some form of afterlife? Regulus has so many questions. So many fears. He doesn’t want to die. He isn’t ready.
His breathing quickens. His heart starts to beat faster. He knows that everyone can hear it, but he is far too afraid to care.
But then…
Voldemort, he…
He walks past Regulus?
Yes. That’s definitely what he’s doing. He’s walking past Regulus and heading for the girl.
Regulus feels terror rise in him all over again, fearing for her life just as much as he had his own.
Voldemort stalks even closer, eventually coming to a stop at the girl's side. He lifts her neck, as if to drink from her, and Regulus looks away.
A moment later, a deafening “CRACK” broke out across the room. He had broken the girl's neck. He didn’t even drink from her, just left her to be wasted. Regulus runs out of the room.
They- they’re monsters. He didn’t even drink from her. He just killed her. For fun. To send some sick message to Regulus, like her life was worth nothing.
Regulus couldn’t stay another day. He was leaving and he was leaving tonight.
***
Regulus is in his room, packing a bag. He has a plan. He’ll wait till nightfall and sneak out of the house, heading towards his brother Sirius’ place.
***
Hours later, Regulus drops down from his window and makes a run for it. He heads east through the forest, scared but excited to begin his new life.
***
Regulus feels as though he has been running for a lifetime now. Even with the added endurance his vampirism aids him with, his legs are sore and his chest is tight. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get worse, it begins to rain.
***
An hour later, it's pouring buckets. Regulus’ body is ice cold and he can't see a thing. He is about to give up and find a place to stay and wait out the storm, when he sees Sirius’ house.
In a large burst of energy, he rushes towards the door, pausing a moment before he knocks.