What about when the sun... dies?

"James, I have a question for you," Remus informs. "And don't say something childish, please," he ordered as if annoyed.

"Childish?" James looks up with a cute smile.

Just don't show it hurt you James, don't do it, pretend it doesn't affect you, you're above it, just smile. Smile for fuck sake! You don't want to add to Remus' worries, tomorrow's full moon, he already has a lot on his mind, just stop. Stop.

"Remus I would never!" James exclaims loudly. "Oh, you wound me, mate!" he puts his hand to his heart in dramatic gesture as he slides off the bed, which amuses Remus, who rolls his eyes.

You did good James.

His friend's smile is always a good thing.

It wasnt his fault he had ADHD, it wasnt his fault he wasnt as mature as Remus, as cool as Sirius, or as quiet as Peter.

James loved his friends, but being the funny one wasnt always easy. His job was to help others and make people laugh, so thats what he would do. They didn't need to know what was underneath.

"I was wondering," Remus joins him one the bed, James smiles cheerfully at him. "Who you have your eye on right now," James blinks painfully hard "you gave up on Lilly and I can tell there's someone else" oh Remus, why did Remus have to be smart? "So come on tell me who your crush is on," he grined at him.

"You know," James shrugs "people," he said, that's the best thing that popped into his head, because he wouldn't tell him 'Regulus Black, do you know him? He's got black curls, the Slytherin fourth year one, Sirius' brother.' He can't.

"Come on lover boy!" Sirius encourages him cheerfully. Suddenly Pete and Sirius appear in their dormitory too.

"What kind of best friends we'd be if we didn't share secrets," Peter smiles widely.

"Give us that name," they insist, James shaking his head in amusement and after a second laugh at loud.

James was always louder than most people. He was known as the sun that can never burn out and that everyone loves.

He has perfect life, caring parents, good reputation, loving heart, he always has a smile on his face, even he thought he couldnt have a bad life or any problems.

In his first couple years at hogwarts everyone knew he loved Lily and she would always reject him, everyone thought it didnt bother him considering he kept trying. That's the thing he did care that he kept getting rejected and when everything started going downhill...

James Potter knew he had everything better than his friends,

Lily has her horrid sister,
Remus has his furry problem,
Sirius has his abusive family,
Peter has his dying grandmother,
Mary has her mental health,
Marlene has her interlized homophobia,
ect, and they all go to James knowing that he can always help them feel better.

And he will, because he loves them so much.

When now, in 5th year he starts catching feelings for the same gender as himself he cried silently, started saying nothing exciting is happening in his life, wanted to harm himself, went into panic attacks, but he still kept a smile on his face seeming like the sun he was, still burning and living an amazing life...

No one knew James was suffering by himself and making it seem like he was perfectly fine, but everyone noticed he stopped asking Lily out 24/7.

They didnt notice him spacing out and having tears in his eyes but they noticed that he got a haircut.

They didnt notice how his breath quickened whenever Regulus Black, looked at him. James immediately started thinking that everyone knew about the crush he had on Regulus, on his best friends brother. They noticed when he had different shoes on.

They noticed everything different about his appearance but never anything actually about him and his feelings.

"James," Sirius raises an eyebrow, James gives him his attention.

James' short attention span means he often finds himself maladaptive daydreaming whenever he doesn't seem the conversation interesting enough to keep him present.

He feels guilty for it, a mantra of you're a terrible person wracking through his head at the sight of his friends cutting their sentences whenever they see the hazy look in his eyes.

"Actually," Peter frowns in thought, and no, James never told them he was straight "do you find boys attractive? Or girls?"

"That's one way to check if you're not sure," Remus smiles slyly.

"You think I'm not sure?," James laughs, it's one of the things he can share right now, it is something that will make his heart lighter and his thoughts quieter. "Everyone's attractive to be honest," he shrughs "like some," he tries to find good words "like some people have really beautiful hands," he smiles. "I don't know, I'm a bit in love with everyone I meet, but I think that's okay," he smiles.

"Oh man, that was so-" Remus huffs.

"James-ish," Sirius ended.

"Yeah, exactly," Remus agreed.

"Mate you're such a lovesick," Peter shakes his head.

They laughed and James laughed to.

'You have so much love to give, sweetheart' his mum used to tell him often. 'More love than most people, you be careful with it because not everyone is going to give it back.'

It's not that James had never been in love. In fact, he was pretty sure he'd been in love with every single person who'd ever looked at him, and even those who hadn't.

It was that... no one had ever loved him back.

'You give too much,' his mum would say gently, stroking his hair after whatever heartbreak he'd been through this time. 'You have to be more careful with who you hand your heart to, not everyone deserves it.'

As much as James adored his mother, he was beginning to think she was wrong. All signs pointed to one thing: James was the problem.

He just hoped that loving him isn't the hardest thing anyone has to do.

The only person James thought might love him regardless would be his mum, and that didn't mean much anymore.

James indeed fell in love really easily.

He fell for his childhood best friend, Peter, before he even really knew what romantic attraction was.

He fell in love with Lily when she helped him up after he tripped off the train's steps.

He fell in love with Remus when he first smiled at one of James' jokes.

He fell in love with Sirius, when they were eleven talking about bullshit in night, (he would fell for Sirius once more when he'll ran into his arms - his home - at sixteen in one of the bravest acts James has ever seen.)

He fell in love with Mary when she stood up to Mulciber, proud and strong.

He fell in love with Marlene when they first play quiditch together.

He just felt so many things all at once for so many people that were so important to him.

But then he will meet Regulus and then he will understand what it all had been building up to.

Regulus will make him feel like he is enough and that's good, because James was too full of life to be half-loved.

Because... maybe no one knows about it, but James does have a massive fear that no one actually likes him, rather everyone is just politely tolerating him hoping he leave them alone.

☆☆☆

James and Regulus had been seeing each other lately, meeting in the library or the Astronomy Tower, meeting and talking and... and both of them fell into the trap of friendship in a very short time. So they had been friends for some time, and well ... James knew that for him it was something more than friendship.

James is not in the habit of hiding things, keeping secrets to himself (except for the one that makes him imperfect). He had never done it and wasn't sure if he could.

So when he comes back from meeting Regulus late at night, he's not surprised to see his friends waiting for him, waiting for an explanation.

Maybe it's even a relief for him to have the opportunity to share his new secret with them.

He's quite happy that he fell asleep, that he fell asleep on Regulus' shoulder and that Regulus didn't wake him up until he had to come back to his dormitory.

That meant something right? This means that the regulus cares at least a little bit, right?

"Where have you been, young man?" It's Remus with his prefect voice that amuses everyone around.

James will be fine, he can do it, he's been practicing this conversation for a week, since Regulus first spoke to him he knew he couldn't hide it from his friends.

James was bad at hiding his feelings towards others, (towards himself that's a whole different thing).

"But seriously, James, where did you sneak off to? You took a map and an cloak and come back at night," Peter looks at him with raised eyebrows.

"Did you have a date you didn't tell us about, Prongs?" Sirius grins at him, showing his teeth, oh he won't be laughing soon.

"Who were you with?" Peter continues.

"Hey, give him time to respond," Remus laughs. "So, where? Witch who? What for?" He wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

"Well, I was in the Astronomy Tower," he said at that moment, still full of courage.

The boys whistled, as everyone knows the astronomy tower as the most remote and hidden part of the castle is the perfect rendezvous place for couples to do things... and they were already fifteen years old and-

"And?" Remus raises an eyebrow.

"You have such dirty thoughts," James snorts. "I was with Regulus," and you see the change in all friends' faces, Peter is confused, Sirius looks indignant while Remus frowns. "Before you come to any conclusion," he starts not so confident anymore.

"WHAT THE FUCK, Prongs!" it's Sirius and he's not happy, he's furious, which is what James expected.

"We were just stargazing," he promisses quickly, hands raised up in surrender.

"One of the stars especially close, I can guess," Sirius says through clenched teeth "that's my little brother James!"

"Oh so it is your brother now?" Peter murmurs under his breath, Remus scolded him with a look saying 'you're not helping'. Sirius and Regulus weren't on the best of terms at the moment, they were constantly arguing.

James knew Sirius would be angry, of course he was, the relationship between the Black brothers was... complicated is still an understatement.

What James expected less was Sirius going to lunge at him or hit him, which happened, but that's okay, James deserved it.

James massages his jaw as Remus pulls back and holds Sirius in place, the black haired boy tries to pull away, something in his look tells he won't calm down anytime soon.

"Sirius I know okay? I know." James doesn't risk leaning closer but just looked into the eyes, and it helps a lot because Sirius calms down, still angry but not furious "it's a new thing okay?" he confessed wincing slightly "and it's not like I wanted to hide it," he adds. "I wasn't lying to you," he promises because he wasn't lying. Every time they asked where he was or where he went he was telling the truth 'I was in the library' they didn't ask with who or why so it's not his fault, okay? "And it's nothing big," he assures, because it's not, it can't be "we're friends," he says and something in Sirius breaks.

"Even worse," he says as tears form in his eyes and James can't look at it, it hurts, James didn't want to hurt him.

Yes, honestly Sirius would have preferred James to say that he fucked his brother, no real feelings, or even that they were together, dating or whatever, but not that they were friends, that was Sirius' job.

Sirius was supposed to be James's friend.

"Hey, hey, it's not like that Sirius," James shakes his head in panic. "It's not," he prommises. "I'm not trying to replace you, I wouldn't want it and no, he's not better than you, I'm not trying to replace you Sirius, you know I love you, it's different. It's just- I don't know, we started talking and somehow-"

"Cool," Sirius hissed and walked away, hiding behind the lap of his bed.

"He just needs a moment, James don't worry," Remus comforts him, patting his shoulder. "It'll be all right," he smiles.

It'll be all right

It'll be all right

It'll be all right

It will be-

James was crying.

"I'm sorry Sirius, I'm so sorry. I know, I shouldn't but-" he snaps as soon as Sirius shows up in his bed the next night, he wants to explain it as soon as possible, to apologize as soon as possible.

There are tears in his eyes and he's trying to get rid of them quickly.

Don't make Sirius feel guilty, stop panicking, don't cry, you'll make your best friend feel bad, you don't want Sirius to feel bad, smile, stop, don't cry, smile even do not try, don't manipulate him.

"James," Sirius starts, just the two of them alone, Jame looks up. "I shouldn't be mad, I'm sorry, you have the right to make friends with whoever you want, you're too big of a heart not to, I know and I'm sorry," he mumbles looking at his palms.

"It's okay Sirius, thank you," James grins at him broadly.

☆☆☆

James Potter was crying. This happened sometimes. Very rarely, but it happened.

As James Potter cried, no sound came out of his mouth. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he lay flat on the bed. He became irritated when tears fell into his ears and made him feel uncomfortable, and he groaned in frustration. He was trembling. He was breathing quickly. His face was turning red. His eyes were still watering.

James didn't know if he was being dramatic at the moment, feeling too much, thinking too much, being a child or maybe making up things that weren't there? He did not know.

He felt bad and he didn't know if he could feel that way, he didn't know if he had the right to feel that way. He had no reason. James had no reason to cry. Nothing bad happened, nothing happened. Nothing at all. James had no reason to be sad, he shouldn't feel bad.

James sniffed. He could no longer hold back the tears that stubbornly wanted to flow down his cheeks.

James Potter was crying and none of his friends were around. James made sure they wouldn't be there, made sure they wouldn't worry about seeing him cry.

He didn't want to bother them with himself. He didn't want them to have to comfort him. He didn't want to burden them with problems.

They already had too many of them, James didn't need to be one of the next ones.

Worse yet, what if they asked James what happened? What would James answer them?

Nothing happened. He was fine. He had no reason at all to cry his eyes out, to panic and cry, to be sad. None, not even the slightest.

James hated feeling like this. He hated that he couldn't do anything. He couldn't fix himself. He thought too much, felt too much. James didn't like his thoughts, his mind right now.

"Is Sirius-" Regulus interrupted, he looked around the room, stepped inside, and gently closed the door behind him.

"Something happened?" James asked, sniffling, trying to control his face to a tolerable state.

"I was looking for Sirius," Regulus explained slowly, surprised by the sight he found.

"He's with Remus in the-" he says but Reggie stared at him persistently.

"James," he started seriously, James looked at him. "I know it's hard, but you can be sad, okay? You can cry and you may need help," he says calmly "it's nothing bad James," he smiles comfortingly. "I'll sit with you until you feel better, unless you throw me out first," he informs, sitting next to him.

"What are we going to do?" James asked, resting his head in his hands and staring at Regulus.

"We'll let you be sad," he shrugged, "do you want a hug?" he suggested.

"I don't know why I'm sad," James groaned dissatisfiedly, hiding his face in Regulus' green sweater.

"You're allowed to have a bad day, you don't need a reason," Reggie said quietly.

"It doesn't happen," James denied immediately. "I don't have bad days," he informed. James Potter was always happy, always.

"Everyone has them," Reggie hugs him tightly, "and it's okay," he assures him.

"Okay," James decided to believe him.

That day, that night, Regulus hopes James never loses his shine.

☆☆☆

James was like a clockwork car, except that James never stopped.

Remus blamed it on the sugar high or coffee, but it turns out James doesn't eat a lot of sweets and doesn't drink coffee.

Jemes was just like a puppy, like a golden retriever, jumping around. His brain was a wild jungle full of scary gibberish.

"I should write a letter," he informed aloud. "I'm writing a letter," he informed right after "why can't I write a letter?" he moaned dissatisfied.

James' inner monologue went like this:

I am wearing a red sweater.
I'd like to wear the Gryffindor one, that is my favorite sweater.
Remus said my favorite sweater is in the laundry.
Who does the laundry at Hogwarts? House elves?
Food.
I'm craving pumpkin juice, breakfast. During breakfast Sirius sang.
Sang, song, music, music player, records. Vinyls.
David Bowie, Remus loves Bowie, Sirius also, concert tickets, great gift idea.
Gift.
I want a new broom, a new nimbus model is out, I have to ask my parents for it.
Quiditch, quiditch, quiditch, Reg. Regulus sweater, I have one I would love to wear it.
Remus wears brown, Sirius wears black. Eyeliner.
It's looks so good on Sirius.
Lilly gave it to him, didn't she?
Lilly is so nice.
Changes is such a good song.
Hogwart.
Bush, forbidden forest, deer, full moon, water.
Firebolt, fire whiskey, I want fire whiskey, a party?
Why not?
The party is cool, should I invite my friends now?
But they are busy, it's the middle of the week-

"O hi Sirius," he smiled brightly, Sirius used to match James in speed.

"You think we're related?" James asks Sirius blinks at him slowly. "I'm sure your name is on our tapestry in the saloon," he shrugrs.

"Who the fuck, starting conversation like that?" Remus groaned.

☆☆☆

"Oh, hey James," Regulus greeted him. James looked up at him with his tired eyes "are you in a bad mood today?" he asked, joining the Gryffindor boy.

"Sort of," James shrugged.

"Okay, want me to hang out with you and keep you company?" Regulus asked, smiling gently.

"Won't you tell me to cheer up?" James asked surprised, Reg shrugged.

"I like you even when you're sad," he admitted "besides, it's good to know that you're not a robot, I was convinced it was just a contraction," he smiled so widely that his cheeks hurt and pointed to his face.

James laughed softly.

I like you, I like you, I like you.

Reg actually said that and James Potter could have jumped up and down with happiness because of it.

☆☆☆

"You know," James broke the silent, like always, he hate being in silent. That's the thing James usually has a lot to say.

Most of the time actually but sometimes he looks at Regulus and finds himself speechless, even his mind which is always running, quiets too.

But the thing is... Regulus would never love him back.

"You don't need to force yourself to be around me, you know that, right?" James asked, that was a question that come to his mind very often. "I know I can be pretty loud, overwhelming and a lot to handle after a while," James smiled at him.

"Who told you that?" Regulus' tone of voice was cold, he seemed angry, but his face was calm.

That was terrifying,
that was beautiful.

Who can hurt him like that? It was inconceivable. Hurt James Potter? This golden boy? Regulus found this unfair.

James didn't answer. Who told him something like that? No one. James saw it himself, all those people's expressions and eye rolls, those heavy sighs and 'be quiet'. He just saw it.

☆☆☆

James woke up with a wide smile.

Today is his birthday.

Today he was supposed to be 16 years old.

James Potter loved birthdays. Parties, songs, friends... it all gave him a lot of joy.

When he and Sirius planned a birthday party for Remus earlier this month, James was overjoyed. He could barely contain his emotions so as not to spoil the surprise.

Remus never celebrated his birthday and they wanted this 16th to be absolutely special for him. They did their best and they succeeded. James had never seen Resmua so happy.

James loved birthdays, he loved every birthday, he loved giving gifts to his friends, singing happy birthday to them and laughing with them. Treat them as the center of the world throughout this day. He loved doing it.

It was always James Potter who came up with the idea of a birthday party (with the birthday boy's consent, of course). James loved cakes, he loved the games and the karaoke they always had during such celebrations.

He remembers Lilly's birthday party, which had a theme and everyone had to dress up.

He remembers Mary's birthday, which they spent as she wished.

He remembers Marlene's birthday party where he cut his throat while singing karaoke.

He remembers how they organized a party for Peter outside because he loves nature, even though it was cold, they cast spells and it was great.

He remembers Sirius's birthday after which his legs hurt so badly from dancing, how Sirius was allowed to show off and be proud all day long, he was the most important person that day.

And then it was Remus' birthday.

James will never forget them. Oh, they were wonderful.

James loved birthdays. And today they were his.

"Hi James!" Sirius waved at him "Moony and Peter just leave for breakfast, want me to wait for you?" he asked with a smile. James nodded with a grin.

Is he going to have a "happy birthday" for 16 minutes straight during breakfast? He would love it.

What will he receive? What gift will he get? Of course, that's not what birthdays are about, but anyway James was curious. He was so excited for today.

They go for a breakfast, they entered the great hall. James doesn't know what he was expecting, but suddenly he feel... disappointment?

He don't know.

Maybe after breakfast, eh?

James was actually super excited about his birthday and talked about it weeks in advanced but no one listened because he always talk so much.

He talked much about Remus' birthday too, thier birthaday was close to each other, but most of his friends were more excited about Remus' birthday (James included), because Remus never had decent birthday party.

He tried to be happy that it was his birthday comming too, but everyone just got annoyed at him telling him to that not everything is about him. He understand. Really. But maybe today...

"Hey, slow down Prongs, you have more energy than usual, come down from this sugar-high," Remus smiled at him amused. James smiled back.

"Where's Peter?" James asked suspiciously.

"He said something about helping Ms. Sprout in garden," Remus shrugged.

"Any plans for today's?" Sirius asked him, James hesitated.

"Not really," he shakes his head.

"Me and Moony are going to library after lessons, you can join us if you want, or girls, they said something about-" Sirius started his mumbling.

James smiles slowly faded.

He wanted a cake.

A birthday cake.

Why even house elves, don't remember?

James felt bad.

"I will go running a little I guess, before tomorrow practice you know," he said, he's trying to pretend that everything is alright.

Maybe he missed the date? Maybe his birthday is not today. Because how else can you explain it, that none, absolutely none of James' friends remembered his birthday?

James remembered all his friends' birthdays, even wrote them down in a calendar just in case.

James was reading a letter from his mum with wishes from her and dad. Effie and Monty sent him a gift and he hide it because he don't want the others to know that they missed it.

He wanted to cry.

Why did no one remember his birthday?

James wanted to get wishes.

Birthday wishes.

It was important to him.

Don't they remember lying on the floor making plans for the future and talking about their dream birthdays?

James understood.
He really understood.
At least he was trying to understand.

He wouldn't even feel angry with anyone. He blame it on himself. It's his fault for expecting too much from his friends. They had a lot of problems on their hands, James didn't have to be another one.

There's been a lot going on lately. It's been a tough year for all of them.

Everyone was busy.

It was okay.

Really, it was.

James couldn't get rid of the pain in his heart, he didn't mind his friends, of course not, he understood, he tried to understand.

He was just... sad?

The most important thing was to make others happy and it didn't matter if he was happy or not.

Really.

So why James was crying?

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me," he signed quietly.

He sang softly, tears streaming down his cheeks, he tried to silence his crying so as not to worry his friends.

After a while he still was in the bathroom sobbing loudly but desperately trying to suppress them for the sake of everyone else so they wouldn't feel guilty.

His 16 birthaday, huh?

"Hi Reggie," it was already evening and still none of James' friends showed signs that they remembered what today was.

"Hi," Reggie smiled at him, it was only a brief moment, but he did.

"Hi," James heart melted. "I said "hi" twice, didn't I?" and that's makes Regulus chuckles.

James is trurely adorable.

He trurely is.

"Actually I have something for you," Reg smiled, another brief moment, but James appreciated.

"You do? Why?" Regulus Black know about his birthday? Why?

Regulus remembered? Sirius for example never thought birthdays were big deal because his family didn't like them. The Blacks didn't celebrate birthdays, James understand that so he wasn't surprised when Regulus didn't ask when James's birthday was.

But Regulus...

Somehow Regulus knows.

"Because today is your birthday, dumbass?" Reg rolled his eyes.

"Today is my birthday," he nodded with a smile "you buy me something?," he asked excited.

"Don't be so sloopy about that," Reg huffs as he give him a little red box "happy birthday James." He smiles softly.

"Happy birthday to me," James repeated staring at the box, which he has just received, wondering what was in it.

"Want to go somewhere?" Regulus asked and they go.

There was James birthday and he want to be happy on his birthday day.

So he go with Regulus.

They marauders were looking for him, everywhere, everywhere. But James ware nowhere to found. He took the map with him and now...

Now thier surprise was ruined.

It was late.

Most of the guests have already resigned and walked away.

James come to Gryfindor common room quietly. He doesn't want to cry, it was no reason. He have a good day. He hang out with Reggie and he eat cake and- well maybe that was enough.

He shouldn't ask for much, he shouldn't expect so much, he should be happy with what he had.

"James!" Sirius jump on Jamss and hug his so thigh like if he's scared he's gonna lose him again. "Don't do that, don't do it ever again, I was so scared, we were looking for you everywhere!" he mumbled hiding in James shoulder.

"I'm sorry that it's so late and we can't, well, we can't do what we planed but, but we can still do something right? We can, because it's your birthday and you deserved everything and you- I will give you anything, I'm so sorry. We just- we sort of planned a surprise, doesn't think that you might disappear for a whole day, but... it's still us I guess," Sieius finally let James go.

James looked at his friends, the closest one. He smiled.

He was so happy.

He noticed a little dinosaur hats on thier heads, that was adorable.

James was so happy.

Maybe he exactly wanted something like that... they eat some treats siting on a floor, they talk, and laugh and play a stupid games and it was okay, they listen to music, they dance a little, they even have a little caraoke and that was okay. That was a happy time. They eat a birthday cake and James was happy.

He felt bad suddenly, because he realised... he really believed that his friends had forgotten about his birthday. how could he doubt them so much? He felt terribly guilty for doubting them. He was a bad friend.

He was such a bad friend.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Sirius looked at him confused, but James didn't tell him about his day. About how sad he was.

But Sirius noticed something was wrong and he couldn't leave it like that

Were anyone surprised that James birthday was celebrated until the end of the week and that Srius did absolutely everything to make James feel better, to make James happy.

☆☆☆

James tries to stay still, not because he doesn't want to bother Sirius, he very much wants to, but the quidditch match the following day needed a well-rested Sirius, so James took one for the team.

He tried to stay still and tried finding a comfortable position. James isn't one to give up on anyone or anything.

He follows through because he knows there are constantly people that are depending on him, and he can't fathom letting anyone down.

Who would he be if he wasn't there for his friends?

How would he be loved if he wasn't needed?

It was settled: he didn't give up.

He couldn't sleep, it wasn't good for his body, much less for his mind.

James began to think. He hated thinking about himself, about his feelings, they were complicated and he didn't have the strength to solve them.

What would happen if James disappeared?

Others would probably be sad.

James decides it is selfish to assume the people around him need him, but he can't help feeling like his life is worthless if he isn't needed.

He can handle not being wanted.

He can handle feeling embarrassed, but he can't handle not being needed.

But being needed was what caused him to spiral in the first place, so who would he become if he couldn't be there for the people who needed him?

How did his life become so twisted that he suddenly became someone needing to be held?

James was confused.

What is wrong with me? James thought during the afternoon of the same day when all the Gryffindors were celebrating in the common room.

Why couldn't he be happy? Why couldn't he just laugh at the jokes? Why couldn't he and his friends have fun together?

James began to think about his friends.

Sirius parents disowned him, hated him, and burned him, yet here he was, laughing with everyone else.

James thinks about how Remus is resting in their room, the full moon only a few days away.

He thinks about Peter, whose favorite pet recently died, he got a letter from his parents last week.

He thinks about Lily and her sister, how she's torn between two worlds and wonders how she can balance it.

He think about Marlene, who had recently argued with her parents so badly that they had forbidden her to come for Christmas.

He think about Mary, who was getting hated every day in the hallways, and lately it's been getting worse.

He even think about Regulus.
Regulus quarreled with his friends about something, shut himself away from them and did not talk to them at all. But he wasn't angry, it was more of embarrassment and that he didn't know how to act, but James didn't learn much about it from him.

He felt sorry, because he can't fix this for them. He wanted to and he was sorry that he can't right now. He wish he could, and he wish that he was enough for them, but he can't fix everyone's problem's right now. He wish he could. He wish he could take away it all.

He thinks about how each of his friends has perfectly valid reasons to fall apart on the inside when he doesn't.

Because he does not.

Yet, he still is.

Oh, you have problems? Well, what are your problems Potter? that nasty voice in his head asked.

What worse, James thought it was probably right.

Because the perfect Potter can have problems? No.

Perfect Potter, that's what everyone likes to call him. He have: perfect parents, perfect friends, perfect grades, perfect looks, just... perfect Potter.

What problems could he have?

Did his parents take away his allowance, maybe his haircut didn't go as planned? Oh no, did Evans turn him down for the hundredth time because he don't know how to take a no?

No.

It wasn't any of those things.

None of these things would react with a quiet James, about these things James' sadness would be loud and audible.

James looked in the mirror and bit his cheeks (too hard he thought he could taste blood in his mouth).

He was always too much.

He was just a burden that everyone only pittyed and let follow them around.

His parents would be happier without the burden off a child.

James was nothing but a problem.

He demanded too much and gave too little in return. He did so little. He should be better, he should try harder, he should know how to do things.

He should know better.

He was just a disappointment.

He was disappointing everyone.

James Potter was hopeless.

James was pathetic, shoddy, wretched and beyond all criticism.

He was a crap.

It was catastrophic and destructive.

How could anyone like him? Who could genuinely like him? Who?

☆☆☆

James often set too many tasks for himself. He often strained himself to finish every case on time.

It was exhausting, but James Potter couldn't stop.

He couldn't say "no", he wanted to help. Help anyone who needed it.

He never ignored any request. He agreed to even the smallest things. How could he refuse?

He gave himself too many responsibilities.

James Potter, even if he wanted to, couldn't help everyone, he wasn't able to, he was only human, he was a sixteen-year-old boy.

James Potter could have been a hero, but at what cost?

When the boy landed at Madame Pomfery's, overtired and overloaded, he was given leave for three days and a two-week ban from playing Quidditch.

Maybe then James realized that Reggie was right. James couldn't handle everything on his own.

James Potter had a big heart, but he was too young to know how to use it properly.

He couldn't take an active part in the team's life, but he watched everything from the side.

His heart was broken. It broke when the team started to be happy that he was not with them. They sighed with relief and laughed. James made Marlene captain, she was the best choice, he trusted her and believed she could handle it.

James felt like crying as he listened to everyone raving about how happy they were with this change, how they said it was better this way when James wasn't there and they didn't have to listen to him anymore, because Marlene wouldn't be so demanding, because with it will be easier.

James wanted to be happy with their happiness, but he couldn't.

What he didn't heard was Marlene standing up for him and shouting at those idiots how stupid they were, because without James they would never have achieved what they have, because if it wasn't for James they would never have won the cup.

James refused to take on the role of captain again, James refused to return to the team.

Well.

He would do it.

He would have refused if it weren't for the fact that it would make his friends worry about him.

They wouldn't leave him alone.

He didn't want to upset or worry them, so he stuffed his emotions at the bottom of his heart and returned to the team with a big smile.

☆☆☆

"I'm doing my best!" James threw up his hands, arguing with Marlene. They just lost the match. They just lost to Ravenclaw. They didn't win the quiditch match. Oh fuck, James. "I'm doing everything I can," he said.

He was trying, he was trying very hard. He did everything, he tried to be a good captain but in fact... recently trainings became less frequent, James didn't have time, he didn't have the strength-

"You're not doing enough!" she burst out. She was angry, as was every member of the team. She was furious. James lowered his head biting his lip. James knew he had failed. It's all his fault. "Oh, James, I'm- I'm so-" she tried.

She didn't want to lash out on him, she shouldn't have. She didn't want to make James sad. She was just angry because they lost an important match for her, the one that Dorcas had agreed to come to (and even have a piece of the Gryffindor outfit on herself!)

"No, it's... it's fine," James assured with a pale smile.

He wasn't crying at all as he threw himself on the bed, burying his head in the pillow and closing the curtains.

Sirius was taking care of things that James as captain was supposed to handle, but at the moment he didn't have the head for it, Sirius understand.

Peter sat with Marlene comforting her and Remus was comforting Sirius.

No one thought that James might need help at that moment, that he too needed support and comfort.

He was a captain and...
he let his team down,
he let his friends down,
he let his parents down,
he let Professor McGonagall down,
he let himself down.

"James?" A soft whisper "you don't want to be alone right now, do you?"

"I don't," he nodded, his voice muffled by a pillow.

Regulus sat on the bed, James lifted his head with a grateful smile.

"It's not your fault James," Reg assured in a whisper "it was a really tough match, you gave it your all, anyone can lose at any time and that's okay"

"You were watching?" James asks excitedly, grinning widely as Reg nods.

☆☆☆

Everyone was always telling James he was the sun. But James didn't understand it until recently... recently his mind was giving him a terribly sad and evil thought.

He hated how it made sense.

The Sun, it keeps the earth warm and everyone alive.

But no one stops and admires the Sun, not like the stars, oceans, forests or even the moon.

It hurts to look at the Sun for too long, so people don't do it.

They always forgot about it.

And the same as James the Sun is alone in the sky watching everything he holds dear from the distance.

James wasn't anyone's first person, first choice. Not for Sirius, not for Remus, not for Peter, not for Lilly, not for Mary, not for Marlene.

If James had to pick one person in the room, he couldn't do it, and it pained him to think that he knew each of his friends' picks, he knew who they would pick (and it wasn't him in any case).

James hated when he got like this.

When he wasn't sure if he was allowed to feel the way he was feeling.
When he didn't know if he was overreacting, being dramatic, being a baby. Because it made him feel terrible, it made him feel like he lashed out for nothing, and then the next second he felt like he didn't lash out enough.

James' mind was his own least favourite place.

James Potter hasn't been feeling well lately.

He was definitely not in top shape.

Everything irritated him, he suppressed too many emotions, he exploded easily, and then he regretted it.

He tormented himself with everything around him.

He was tired, so terribly tired.

His academic performance deteriorated significantly, it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to lead the team, he was overwhelmed by his responsibilities and refused to let the marauders take part in another prank.

It wasn't good.

James Potter cried into his pillow every night and felt terribly bad because it shouldn't be like this.

He should be happy.

He wasn't the one who should be comforted, he was the one who was supposed to comfort others.

James had no reason to be sad, it wasn't him who had to deal with excruciating pain every month, it wasn't his family who rejected him, it wasn't him who had failed his last three exams in a row, it wasn't him who was being bullied at school and calling names, it wasn't him.

James Potter always cared about others, he was always the one who supported them.

He couldn't admit that he needed it too.

He didn't understand his feelings, he didn't know if he should feel this way at all.

James had been helping others, everyone else around him, for so long that he seemed to have forgotten that he, too, needed help sometimes.

He had friends, right? Maybe he could share his thoughts with them? With his problems? But did he want to worry them?

"Hey, um-" James began, deciding to get up from the bed, "Could I talk to-" he begins, looking around at the three boys sitting on the floor.

"Not now James, you'll tell us about Quidditch later," Remus said, barely taking his eyes off the board of the game they were currently playing.

"It's not about the quid-" James started, but this time Sirius interrupted him.

"It's always about Quidditch, Prongs," Sirius smiled stupidly.

"Never mind," James bit his lip, trying to keep the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He left the dormitory, not paying attention to "where are you going, Prongs?", "Are you offended?" thrown after him by his friends.

James felt bad.

It's true that he couldn't be surprised by their respond, they couldn't have known that they were hurting him, it wasn't their fault, how could they know that James was sad?

James wasn't sad.

He runs down the stairs, another and another, the tears blurring his vision more and more. He finally stops in the dungeons right next to the entrance to the Slytherins.

"James?" Evan asked, surprised.

"W-where can I find Reg-regulus?" James asked weakly, rubbing his face with the sleeve of his robe.

Without a word, Evan led him to their dorm and left them alone, figuring this was what James needed.

Regulus looked up at the door in surprise when it opened. James Potter appeared before his eyes.

James Potter with watery eyes, pink cheeks, and his breathing was fast and uneven. James Potter was shaking, unable to breathe properly, and sobbing.

Regulus ran to him, losing a page in the book he was reading.

"What happened James?" he asked as soon as James fell into his arms, starting to sob, Regulus rubbing his back in what he hoped was a calming gesture.

"P-please don't-don't tell me to shut up," he said pleadingly. Reggie squeezed him tighter.

"Why would I do that?" he asks, surprised.

"Because everyone-" he didn't finish, starting to cry louder.

James Potter felt bad. As if he didn't matter to anyone. As if he wasn't important or needed.

No one did anything special, no one hurt him, it was just... James Potter's mind simply hated him.

James was sad. That shouldn't happened.

But as soon as people realised he had a talent for quidditch, he was known as a 'Quidditch God' at Hogwarts, he was at third year when he become a capitan.
He was a role model to younger years.
This led him to become obsessed with being 'perfect' and one small fault, one little mistake would make him question whether he was actually good. He fucked up, he was hopeless, he was useless.

Alongside with his love for quidditch (he started treating this like a job not hobby and he started to lose his sparkle to quiditch, he hates it) he had to be there for his friends. They needed him.
He had to be the happy friend, the one people would go to when they were feeling down.

Because how could James be sad when his friends have it worse. Like Remus who rips his skin apart each month, or Sirius who would throw up with fear when he had to think about his home.

How can the great, the perfect James Potter ever be sad?

He was in fact.

He was sad.

Because he was just a human.

Sirius didn't understand why Regulus shouted at him later.

Prongs, you should tell us. You know you can count on us. We will always help you. We love you James. Don't worry about telling us when you feel worse.

And Sirius... Oh Sirius.

"I want to help you, James, you can tell me literally anything. You help me all the time," Sirius noticed.

"That's different," was James' respond.

"Why is it different?," Sirius asked. "You only think it's different because you need help now. James, you're allowed to need help."

James thought about it for a moment.

You're allowed to need help.

Maybe he was, it didn't matter much, though. He didn't want to need help.

"I'll always be here for you, okay? If you need anything... you can count on me."

Oh how much James hated it.

Those damn words made it worse, much worse. They made everything fucking hard. James hated sympathy, hated needing help, hated feeling weak.

He couldn't stand it, he didn't know how to deal with it.

James was supposed to be happy, he had to. Why couldn't he do that one stupid thing right?

He felt like he had just failed. He let his friends down, his parents, himself.

He felt bad.

And he wanted to get rid of that feeling.

He went running, he went flying, he screamed, he screamed very loud, so loud, he tore his throat, something broke in him, he hit the wall, he scraped his knuckles on his hands, he exhausted his body in a thousand ways, wanting to feel better about himself, but it didn't help. Not this time.

And then dark thoughts entered his mind. James' mind was his least favorite place (maybe that's why James took care of everyone around so much so he didn't have to think about his own problems).

He was always too much.
He was never enough.
He was just a burden.
He caused problems and got in everyone's way, disturbed them and unnecessarily interfered with their lives.

His parents would be happier without the burden off a child and the rest off the marauders didn't need him, they only put up with him.

They, simply, don't need him.

Sirius didn't come to sleep in his bed anymore (James never admitted he needed it as much as Sirius did).

Remus today burst out telling James "I've had enough of you".

When was the last time Peter asked him to play chess together?

When was the last time Mary wanted to talk to him?

When was the last time Marlene challenged him?

And Lilly? Lilly ignored him.

Did anyone ever need James in their life? Problem, disappointment and mess? No, they don't.

He did something bad, really bad. He never, ever thought it would happen, but James did it. He hurt himself.

He panicked right after that, he cried wanting to turn back time, it was just a moment, his brain shut down, he wasn't thinking clearly, James didn't, really didn't want to do it. But it happened.

He remembered how, after ten minutes, when he finally calm down, he slowly builds up the strength to stand up, clean all traces away, and maybe put more plasters on his arms. He rolls his jumper right down over his arms for extra coverage, to not alarm anyone. He stares at his reflection in the mirror.

It was foreign.

The boy standing in front of him wasn't really him.

It wasn't s James. It was not the James who's had a perfect life, with wonderful parents. It wasn't the James who supports all his friends and is always smiling. No. This James had red rimmed eyes, and dried tears on his face.

This James is sad. This James is fucking broken. And he was not. He couldn't be.

"I'm fine," James Potter said in the mirror crying again. "I'm completly fine," James Potter said bandaging his arms. "I'm fine, I am fine," he kept repeating.

But surprising.

He wasn't fine.

At least, nobody noticed, good.

James didn't want the rest of marauders see him in a bad mood, 'cause he thought his problems are not that important compared to others. So why would James bother them?

Nobody noticed.

He thought so, but Regulus's gaze on him made him realize he was wrong.

Regulus frowned as Sirius tugged on James' wrist, to which James reacted with a loud swish and winced in pain.

"James," Regulus said seriously, locking them into an empty classroom.

He tricked James, it wasn't fair.

James looked at Regulus weighing his options in his mind; either he told him the truth and showed him his arm or he would jumped out the window.

Option two seemed pretty reasonable at the moment.

"James," Regulus placed two fingers under James chin liftin it up for him to look him in the eyes. "Show me your arm," he said, something strange in his voice, worry, concern, gentleness, fear?

James tried averting his gaze before sighting defeated.

"Look, Reg, I didn't..do it..again, but I did do something stupid," James explained pausing when talking about his... problem.

A little accident actually.

James Potter had no problems.

A flash of horror flashed across Regulus' face when he put the pieces together.

"James, what did you do?" Reg asked, his eyes darkened.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't. I didn't really mean to do it, it just kind of happened, I-I'll never do it again, really, it was a moment and my mind wasn't cooperating, I-" he mumbled uncertainly, Regulus cut him off.

"I asked you to give me your hand," and James Potter did it before he could think about it.

Regulus Black just asked him for his hand and James had the chance to hold it, why did he enjoy it?

Then he remembered why they were there and tried to pull away from the gentle grip of cool hands that cooled the burning sensation on his skin pleasantly.

"Show me, okay?" his voice is soft, calm, smooth and reassuring. "Don't panic James, I won't be mad at you. Whatever you've done, I won't be angry," he promised. "I'm not going to scream and condemn your behavior," James nodded.

James hissed in pain as the rough fabric of his robes met his raw skin.

"Sorry," Regulus whispered softly.

He frowned at the wound on James' forearm, but said nothing.

James followed his gaze and winced, that was awful.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Oh James, I'm not here to judge you and scold you in making decisions about your life, I just want to help you, okay? Let me help you, I know you hate it when you need help, but let me, okay? Apart from that you don't have to apologize to me, you didn't hurt me."

"Okay, listen," Regulus looked at James' hand more closely, his thumb gently ran over the place near the wound, where the skin was red and rough. "It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't hurt like this," he stated the fact when he heard James clench his teeth at his touch. "What did you use to do that James?" James pressed his lips. "Do you think there might be an infection?" Regulus asked instead.

"I think it's because of what I did later," he admitted quietly, Regulus found it strange. This James wasn't the arrogant James Potter he had been fifteen minutes ago in the great hall.

"Then tell me what you did," he asked calmly. James didn't think Regulus could make him feel quiet comfortable in situation like this, but he did.

"I panicked, and I wanted to undo it and I took some of the Remus ointments which I definitely shouldn't touch," they were made for werewolves, for wounds much more terrible.

"Allergic reaction?" Reg frowns.

"Rather, the force of the drug overloads my body," James mumbled.

"I'm not gonna lie, it looks bad, it's awful," James winced as Regulus poked his arm. "I'd recommend seeing a doctor but I guess you have no intention of going to Madame Pomfery so I'll just try what I always do," he suggested calmly and pulled out his wand.

"You- what?" James began worried.

"Shhh," Reg shushed at him "now we're talking about you, let's save my mental health for another occasion, wash it with water, not too cold or it will hurt," he adviced. "You're always thinking of others before you, huh?" He whispered some spells and James had to admit that he felt much better. The cold goo touched his skin, and to his surprise, it didn't hurt at all. "I have nothing to heal the scar, you can go to Sirius with this task when you're ready, he knows a few spells, he always has to look perfect," Regulus murmurs. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that," he huffs. "I guess you won't let me go with no explanation?"

"Yeah," James nodded "thank you Reggie, thank you for your help."

"It's better, isn't it?" He smiled proudly "and since I have to," he sighed, extending his right hand towards him and rolling up his sleeve. "If you look closely you will see that some of them are crooked. These straight ones are my mom's work. The other ones..." Regulus swallows with a faint smile.

"You don't have-"

"I had a lot of problems in the beginning at Hogwarts. It's a very easy way to escape from reality, doesn't mean I recommend it. Somewhere in the back of my head every time I thought I did something wrong, I deserved to be punished but my mom wouldn't be here to punish me so it's my job," James was about to say something but Reg beat him to it. "Didn't Sirius do the same? He skipped meals, didn't he?" He sniffs.

"Reg," James began.

"Feeling better?" Regulus asked, nudging him with his knee.

"Much better, it didn't hurt at all," he smiled slightly.

"Then let me do something," Did Regulus actually ask him for something?

He agreed instantly. Regulus pulled out a feather from somewhere. He smiled as he brought the pen close to James' skin and began to paint little stars around the already closed wound. He smeared his skin with black ink and James smiled like a lunatic because of that.

"You just draw stars around my scars," James grined.

"I did," Reg said almost shamefully.

"I fucking love that," he said with a grin.

"You're dumb," Reg snorted.

"You're mean," James threw in the aftermath.

"You're cute when you're dumb," Why did Regulus even say that!? Why did his mouth do that? Reg wanted to scream. so good that he said it snorting, as if it were a taunt, an insult. Salazar balls.

"You're pretty when you're mean," James smiled slyly.

"Isn't my brother gonna hex you if he found out that you just flirt with me Potter?" Reg raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, he's definitely gonna kill me," James agreed with him.

"So?" he asked defiantly.

"Definitely worth it." Damn James Potter winked at Reg, just like he was hitting on him, that was ridiculous!

"Dumbass," Reg suddenly feel the urge to punch him.

"I can see that blush," James pointed out to him.

"Oh shut up Potter," he hissed

"I will say 'make me' but im afraid you're gonna hit me or hex me instead of kissing me," James poked out his tongue.

"You're not that dumb like you seemed to be," Regulus rolled his eyes. "Are you just said that you would like me to kiss you?" he raised his eyebrows "SIRIUS," he shout amused.

James put his hand on Reggie' mouth and shushed. His hands was so soft, he smells like honey.

Fuck James Potter and that he ran his finger across his cheek and leaned in, he brought his face even closer to his. Reg felt his breath on his lips.

"Let it be our little dark secret then," James whispered and he giggled.

He fucking giggled, how was Reg supposed to stay calm? James was definitely too close, Reg could feel his breath on his skin and that shivered him. Deep breath Reggie.

"James Potter have a dark side? Suprisig," James chuckled. "See you latter Potter." Reg waved and left the classroom.

Fuck James Potter and fuck that things that he do to Reggie.

Regulus took a deep breath, he rubbed his eyes and sighed. He need a shower. He told his body to calm down, but it wasn't listening to him. He's face start turning red, fuck. Oh fuck him, he just bounced on Sirius. Salazar balls.

Fuck.

"Where are you going?" Sirius smiled as he catch him.

"To the dorm," Regulus murmured "leave me alone," he demanded and try to go, he was fucking embarrassed right now.

"Oh, hi Sirius," James said cheerfully.

Could it be worse? Reg loved his life.

"I was looking for you everywhere," Sirius smiled at his friend. "Little Reggie are alone on the halls, I was wondering where he was, because he looks miserable to me."

"Fuck you Sirius," Reg reacted.

"You look miserable?" James chuckled and then James fucking Potter put his hand on Reg' shoulder. Fuck.

"He looks like he's about to cry, don't you think?" Sirius wondered.

Reggie' face whole red right now.

"You do?" Jamee rubbed Regulus's cheek gently with his thumb. Regulus shivered, swallowing, feeling how much discomfort his underwear caused him "he looks fine to me," James smirked.

Sirius frowned at them.

"See you later Reggie, you know where to find me if you need something, bye!" Sirius pulled James along with him, who smiled once more at the Regulus, making his knees go weak.

He fucking said that Regulus looks fucking fine. But not fine as good, fine as beautiful. He heard it in his voice. Fucking compliment.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he entered his dorm.

"Are you done?" Barty raised an eyebrow.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he said few times more "yes I'm done," Regulus nodded.

☆☆☆

James was lying on the floor in the astronomy tower looking up at the sky. He looked away for a moment, meeting a mirror on his way. Wait a minute...

He stared at his reflection. He couldn't see his face or his eyes. The only thing that caught his eye were tears.

I cried? James asked himself helplessly and soundlessly.

He listened to the beating of his own heart, feeling that in a moment it would break the glass and crumble to dust.

Was it even possible?

James turned his head towards the door that had just opened. He quickly wiped his face, worried whose eyes he would meet in a second, but as soon as he saw them. When he saw blue irises calm as the ocean on a sunny day with only a light sea breeze blowing, he let himself fell apart again.

"Oh James," Regulus whispered, his breath just taken away. Hurrying to be with James as soon as possible, he fell to his knees next to him and hugged him.

Regulus was still hugging him. They both found a more comfortable position, James with his head somewhere on Regulus' thighs, who was playing with his hair in a very affectionate gesture, whispering kind words.

James was still sobbing softly.

James began to calm down, Regulus did not notice when he fell asleep. But it is good. Let him sleep - he thought. He adjusted a little, gently and carefully so as not to accidentally wake James up.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a quill, opened one of his notebooks.

After all, that's what he came here for. He came to have a moment of peace, to think, to write.

So he wrote.

But before that, he looked up at the sky.

Thirty-nine thousand stars - that's how he began - Fell from the sky today - he didn't have to be that exact - Taking away the glow of the night, Imperceptibly.

Just as many tears ran down your face, Irreversibly changing its expression. - how much the image of sad James broke his heart - The sky has changed, But it was completely the same for everyone. Just as black,
Just as deep,
Just as sad.

You were the same for everyone too.
Just as peaceful,
Just as happy,
Just as full.

But on that night when thirty-nine thousand Star Tears Fell from the sky of your face I knew you were not the same.

And the next time I see a shooting star, I'll make my wish and none will ever fall again, because the Sun deserves to have shine in the eyes and not slowly roll down the cheeks.

Regulus lifted his head up and looked at the shooting star.

Thirty-nine thousand and one star, fell from the sky today.

This last one was his own.

Before he knew it, his whole face was shining from falling stars (tears), but when he woke James up an hour later with a soft whisper, his cheeks were dry.

Only the night sky was allowed to see his sadness.

James smiled at him.

Oh Merlin.

☆☆☆

"You're in love now aren't you?"

Isn't he?

The words seem to have so much weight they slip through his hands before he can grasp them. He can't answer, he had the courage to say that he was falling in love but that he was in love?

No, James Potter was a coward or he just didn't want to tell anyone until he told the person he loved.

But even if he doesn't say it, the words are true, he is in love with Regulus Black. So hopelessly and intoxicatedly in love, he can barely think straight.

So maybe his mum is right and he should be careful, but he really doesn't want to.

He wants to love Regulus with everything he has even if it means crashing and burning.
He wants to dance with him through hurricanes, even if his hands are tied behind his back.

And maybe it's idiotic of him, but that's what happens when you fall in love.

But...

Just one thing.

Why did James Potter always have to fall in love with the unattainable?

Regulus was his friened, he's never gonna love him back.

☆☆☆

James Potter showed up at the Astronomy Tower once again this week just to meet Regulus Black.

Regulus Black was interested in astronomy. He knew the history of the stars and constellations. He could pinpoint the location of virtually any star James asked about. He knew the plan of the night sky better than the corridors of Hogwarts.

James couldn't get over it.

Regulus was intelligent. Really intelligent.

They sat in the astronomy tower and talked. They talked and talked, enjoying each other's company.

Regulus Black liked James Potter.

James Potter liked Regulus Black.

Recently, Regulus Black has started calling James Potter a friend. They had known each other for a long time.

Regulus knew James even before he went to Hogwarts. He listened to stories about James Potter from his brother. He heard about how great this one was. Sirius loved talking about him. Sirius loved talking about his best friends. (That's why James has heard a lot about Reggie too.)

"Reggie?" James began, staring at the night sky, full of stars.

"James," Regulus replied.

"Nothing, nothing," he shook his head.

James Potter just wanted to hear his voice. Make sure he's not dreaming all this, that it's real.

Their first completely accidental meeting, was here.

In the astronomy tower in the past

"You look miserable,"Regulus aptly pointed out. Fuck.

"Oh, aye, Sherlock," James shot back, training his gaze down at the stairs below them. He wondered if it would be a faster escape to run down the stairs or throw himself down them.

Awfully dramatic today, aren't we, James? he thought.

Regulus noticed James' reddened eyes and his flushed face. The only reasonable explanation for his condition was that he was crying.

Regulus talked to him, it's such a simple thing but it helped James a lot.

☆☆☆

Why

Why

Why

Why can't I ever be good enough

And suddenly James was crying.

"James?" Remus whispers, he feels bad for the sun.

The sun is burning.

It's destroys itself in the air and he can't do anything about it.

James is crying and Remus can only be there, sitting next to him and trying to convince him that it's not a problem, that he won't hate him for that.

Oh, James' mind was a dangerous place, Remus knew. He could hear the change in James' voice, the way his breathing and heart rate quickened, tiny changes but... Every forced smile, every insincere word... he noticed, but what could he do? Remus wasn't good at affection, feelings and helping.

The only thing he could do in moments like these was make them both some tea. He could sit next to him, hug him and cool him, just as the moon cools the sun in the evenings.

All he could do was admire his pain from afar.

This soothing silence is a silence that gives James a lot of peace. (Remus never knows how many times he saved James. how many times that cup of tea made especially for James saved him, and how grateful James was for each of them.)

The sun hates being in the dark, but the moon embraces them tenderly, whispering, "Tomorrow you can shine again."

They lie in blankets, cuddled together, James listening to the steady beat of his friend's heart, it's soothing.

Sunsets are so beautiful because the sun can finally rest, don't you think?

☆☆☆

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay," James assured with a faint smile.

"It's okay if you're not, you know? You don't have to be strong all the time," he whispered, James break down.

James always felt like he had to help everyone, he felt like he was useless otherwise.

He pushed his feelings aside and was always there for everyone else, his feeling didn't matter, it could be worse.

He always helped his friend when they were feeling down, and he always listened to them talk about their pain for houres because they couldn't sleep.

When James couldn't sleep he didn't tell anyone, he didn't want to be a burden, so he just cried, he cried himself to sleep and hoped no one would hear him.

He pretended to be someone he was not for so long, that he forgot who he really was. This was until a boy, he had never thought would care about him, showed him that it was okay to not be okay.

"Maybe-" Regulus starts hesitantly "maybe you should stop making yourself feel better, I think that you don't actually want to feel better, James."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe what hurts you the most right now is that others expect you to feel better before they even understand and notice that anything has happened, and maybe the reason you're trying so desperately to be happy right now is it's not about what you want to feel, it's about people making you feel that the only version of you that is likable is the happy one, because you think that if you aren't happy, no one will like you. But you know what?"

"What?"

"You don't owe that version of yourself to the world. you're allowed to feel bad, you have the right to have a bad time, a bad mood."

☆☆☆

"Come on Prongs, what do you want to tell me?" Sirius jumped onto his bed.

James has been a bit quieter, calmer, paler, more tired, sadder lately. It was obvious that something was bothering him and Sirius wanted to help.

"Well," the boy laughed awkwardly.

"Okay, so we're talking," Sirius decided, closing the curtains "should I start?" He tilted his head.

"Please," James nodded.

"Remember that bet I had with Lilly? Well" he sighs "I lost it. So, as we agreed, she did my make-up, right?" James noder. "Well, great, great, great, but then Remus was looking for her, so he found us when she, you know," he waved his hands as he spoke. James loved how Sirius' presence relaxed him. "So he saw me and now he definitely thinks I'm bloody funny," he snorted.

James pursed his lips, suppressing a laugh at Sirius's expression.

"He thinks you're beautiful. When you started wearing eyeliner he practically fainted every time he saw you, remember?" James chuckled with bright lights in his eyes, and they sat in silence for a long time.

"Do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" Sirius asked slowly.

"I'm tired, Pads," James admitted quietly.

"That's not all," Sirius pointed out.

A long moment of silence.

"I've been angry lately, I've been feeling bad, very bad" he muttered, grimacing. "I was, I was overloaded," James paused "I did something," he admitted in a whisper, his voice strangely distant.

"Something?" Sirius frowned.

"Don't be mad at me," James asked quietly before rolling up the sleeve of his pajamas. He bit his cheeks until they bled as Sirius frowned at him.

"Oh James," his gaze was gentle.

"I-I didn't want to, really. I didn't do it on purpose, well, on purpose, but I really didn't want to, I promise, I didn't mean it, never, I didn't-" he said anxiously.

"Shhh, okay, calm down," Sirius murmured reassuringly, pulling him into a hug "thank you for trusting me," he whispered, trying not to sound sad because he didn't want James to feel even worse because of him. "Do you want to tell me more?" he asked gently.

James talked and talked and talked and Sirius listened.

"You want me to help you?" Sirius asked, surprised. "Oh, sure," he assured quickly, pulled out his wand "this might hurt a bit," he informed before whispering the spell, James grimaced, closing his eyes. "Done," he smiled faintly. "I can't get rid of them completely, but they are much thinner and paler, barely noticeable," he ran his finger over James's hand, who whispered, "thank you."

And that was good.

When James returned home, he talked to his mom, feeling a bit more confident after talking to Sirius.

"Oh, Jammie where did you get these scars?" Euphemia looks worriedly at her lovely boy.

There were few bright scars on his forearm. James didn't want to tell her, didn't want to break her heart. He didn't want her to consider herself a bad mom, he didn't want her to be broken about it.

"Mum," he started holding his breath.

"What happened?"

"I've been fighting," he said softly, biting his lip as he did so.

"You fight? With whom?" she wanted to know, she needed to know who had hurt her child.

"With myself," James' voice cracked, breaking Euphemi's heart into little pieces.

"Oh, my love," she whispered and hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry," James began to apologize, tears shining in his eyes.

"Don't be sorry, love, it's all right, it's okay," she soothed with a soft voice.

☆☆☆

"FUCK OFF,"James Potter didn't scream. He wasn't the explosive type, but now? Now he had had enough. "Severus, leave me alone," he hissed. He felt bad, he didn't need any more problems.

He really tried to let go of him, but how could he let go when he kept teasing and provoking him over and over again?

"Was poor Potter in a bad mood today? I thought it was impossible for a Gryffindor clown." He laughed and James had had enough, his head exploding, his lungs clenching.

And he didn't even know what happened but Snape was suddenly on the ground spitting blood with 'fuck you Potter' but James didn't do anything! He didn't even have a wand in his hand.

"I'll just," James wiped his face with his hand "I'll take you to Madame Pomfery, okay?" Snape just told him to fuck off.

"James really?" Lilly asks, looking annoyed. Why she is suddenly here? Why? "I thought you were smarter then that, that you'd finally grown out of that pointless, childish competition, apparently I was wrong." She didn't even let him explain himself.

"But‐" he started, tears in his eyes.

"Let it go, James," and she walked away leaving him alone in the hall.

When they met later, they quarreled.

James felt too bad to scream so he just kept quiet.

"You used to be nice," he said, swallowing hard, Lilly didn't even look at him "or did you never used to be?" his voice thick. "Oh Merlin, maybe you never used to be," because right now James didn't feel like anything was real. "You do like me," he decided, eyes shone with tears, he shakes his head.

"I don't," was Lilly respond.

"But you liked me yesterday!" He noticed, he shouted devastated, but not loud.

"Oh. Did I?" She looked him straight in the eye without hesitation.

"I thought you did," he put his head down, his eyes trained, his heart broken "I -" he started, his voice quiet, so quiet "I will never be good enough will I?" he whispered, his voice filled with pain and tears, before running away, running up the stairs.

And when he slammed the door behind him, he was all alone in the room.

And it wasn't good.

Lilly sat on the floor feeling terribly bad, she started to cry. No one should ever hurt James to tears. Because James didn't deserve to be sad, didn't deserve any pain. James, according to Lilly, was the only man in the entire universe who deserved only good things.

"Oh Merlin, that was better than a soap opera," Marlene popped a handful of popcorn into her mouth "but you'd better apologize to him, he looked broken, Sirius won't forgive you for that," Marlene says with her mouth full.

"I have more popco-" Sirius interrupted "what did James do?" He crouched next to Lilly, he knew that look, and he knew who it was referring to, the last time Lilly had been so sorry when she rejected James for the last time.

"Oh, Merlin, he thinks I hate him," she whispered, covering her mouth.

"He went upstairs?" Sirius asked stressed, when he got confirmation, he ran there as soon as possible. "Don't worry, Lily, you will explain it!" he shouted as he ran.

And they did.

But before that... James really needed Sirius back then, and he was glad that Sirius was with him.

"James?"

"Yeah Pads?"

"It's important, James."

"Okay."

"Listen to me very carefully, okay?"

"I'm listening."

"You're enough."

"What?" James asked confused.

"You're enough James." He repeated.

"Thanks Sirius," he laughed a little.

"I mean it James. You are enough," he repeated once more, "it's important to me that you know that," he added "you are enough James, and I know that sometimes you feel like you're not but you are."

James hugged him tight, Sirius' ribs ached but he let him because James started to cry and Sirius hated when he was sad. Sirius wanted to fight the whole world, how could it hurt his best friend?

"Sometimes I need reassurance," Jamesa admitted quietly.

"So come to me, I'll tell you the same every time. James you are the best person in my life you are important you are enough you are loved, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," he smiled slightly.

Everyone thinks that James was saving Sirius, that James was helping him.

Everyone thinks that he saved Sirius.

Even Sirius himself said that James saved his life, that he made it better.

I need you to know that my life is so much better because of you.

What neither the others nor even Sirius realized was that it was Sirius who had saved James. He saved him every day by simply breathing, by being.

Sirius was James' best friend.
James needed him, needed him like air.

If James had to say what he was most grateful for in his life, he wouldn't say for loving family, not for friends (although he loved them terribly), not for Hogwarts, not for Quiditch, no.

James would say Sirius.

☆☆☆

But that was before, it got worse after that. James went back to focusing on love and how unlovable he was.

"James? Are you sure he's just a friend?" Peter nudges him with an amused smile.

"You're drooling Prongs and he just looked at you," Remus adds, equally amused.

"They look more like friends if you ask me," Sirius wiggles his eyebrows.

"Does our Jamie has a crush?" they asks smiling suspiciously.

"Well," James snorts amused and shakes his head "it's not like he could want me, anyway," he shrugs, he smiled faster than anyone could read his pain.

When night came, James is not well.

He cried and cried until he ran out of tears. Leaving only himself and his thoughts.

A extremely dangerous combo, if he were to be honest.

Extremely dangerous

"What's wrong with me?" James asks, he whispered it to the mirror without looking at his reflection, at the red, swollen eyes wet with tears.

"What's so wrong with me that makes people not want me? Not for real. Never- it's never real. Am I not enough? Too much? What is it? Is there something wrong with me?" James whispers.

"I'm good, I'm good, everything fine, it's alright, I'm good, I'm good!" He convinces himself before he goes back to bed, he has to go back to bed, pretend to be asleep so he can face the day with a smile the next day.

Who cares if it's forced? No one will notice the difference anyway.

James was losing his smile and who was he without it?

Why can't he be enough? Why?

☆☆☆

"Fuck off!" James never raised his voice in his house, not out of anger, out of joy it happened, but James was never angry.

He was never angry with his parents, never thought of pushing them away. He never thought they would annoy him. But now, today, he was here screaming at his mom ready to slam the door.

"What did you say?" Effie was even less prepared for James' outburst.

Her wonderful boy?

The boy who brought her a daisy from the garden every summer day?
The boy who laughed with her?
The boy who cried in her arms?
The boy who trusted her implicitly?
The boy who meant everything to her?

Her boy who loved her the most in the world and she loved him just as much. Her lovely son, her beautiful boy.

"I said fuck off!" he repeated, and walked out turning on his heel.

The door slammed and Effie fell to her knees, burying her face in her hands and letting tears flow. What just happened, what did she do wrong?

Within half a minute, James was sobbing with his back against the kitchen door, feeling awfully bad.

He didn't know why he did it, he didn't want to, he really didn't want to. He hurt his mom, the last thing in the world he would do, he wouldn't do it even on pain of death, he loved her too much.

And now? James failed. He was a terrible son, he was a disappointment, failure and disasters.

He was such a mess.

And when dad found him, he was even more of a mess, not a word but a sob left his mouth, no sound other than sad and hurt and hurtful could escape.

James was crying, his face was all wet and tearful. The sleeves of his robes still went up to his cheeks to wipe them. He was constantly sniffling, hiccupping, trembling, having fits of spasms and sudden crying. He was so broken.

James couldn't find any good way to apologize. He couldn't look his mom in the eye. She wanted to help him. She always wanted to help and James treated her terribly, cruelly even.

"Mum," James mumbled, she hugged her boy. "I always thought I was too much... but maybe not? Maybe this world is just... too much for me," James hated breaking her heart, hated hurting her.

He wanted to tell her it wasn't her fault, he wanted to scream that he loved her, he wanted to promise that he would be fine,
he wanted to reassure her that everything would be fine eventually.
He wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done anything wrong, because it wasn't her fault at all, it was James'.

He wanted to tell her that she was the greatest mom in the world, that no one would replace her, that no one would ever match her, he wanted to scream how much he loves her.

He wanted to thank her for everything, mostly of that she had always been there for him when he needed her.

He wanted to apologize for not telling her everything, he wanted to reassure her that he was the one who had pulled away and make things hard.

He want to let her know that she hadn't noticed how hard it was for James wasn't her fault. He just doesn't wanted her to know, he didn't want to disappoint her because she had given him everything and he was still nothing but a damn problem.

He didn't have the strength to pretend anymore, so he said that.

He said each of these things.

James feels fucking bad right now.

It was a hard year for him.

"Oh, one more thing Mum, sorry, I'm really sorry but I've recently started swearing," he bit his cheek rubbing his neck with his hand stressed out.

"It's okay," she sighed, he's sixteen after all "at least that's not that you're taking drugs, right?"

"Um," he laughed nervously "in fact, it could have happened that during one of the last parties I was quiet high," he looked away "but look, I can explain, okay? So it wasn't my idea at all, that's important, secondly, I wasn't aware of it, okay? I just ate the damn cupcakes and then Remus looked at me asking if I knew what I had done," he explained "and I'll never do it again, I promise."

"Oh love," she chuckled.

☆☆☆

"Monty he's not coming back!"

"Stay calm, Effie, he promised that he would be back, he's only half an hour late," he strokes her shoulder reassuringly.

"I'm worried, he's never disappeared so suddenly," Effie sniffs.

"I know," Monty said softly.

"He's got another problem he's not talking about, Monty, he isn't talking to me. My boy doesn't talk to me anymore. He's like that summer after third year. Forgive me for caring, but I know when something is wrong with my son."

"He's a teenager now, he has other problems Effie. James is not ten years old anymore, I know it's hard but he won't be telling us every detail of his life anymore." He's saying calmly.

"What if-"

"Effie, love hear me out, okay? Take it easy, James is strong he can handle anything, no matter which kind of problem he has. If he needs us he will come and ask for help cause he knows he can count on us."

"Can't you see he's lying to us?"

"Like anyone in his age. Can't you remember what you didn't tell your parents? Teenagers have secrets and that's okay."

"I know, I know, I understand, but you weren't the one who read every letter from Minerva saying to pay attention to James, because he's not coping, that he needs hepl. He took too much on himself and now he blames himself for not being up to the task, He ended up in the hospital because of it, and he kept reassuring us that it was nothing... You didn't talk to him about self-harm, did you even know he was doing it? You weren't the one who convinced him yesterday that he was enough. Merlin he was so broken. Monty, I'm scared because our son was suicidal, do you understand the seriousness of this situation? I'm worried about him because he's not safe. What if he's sitting somewhere doing drugs right now-"

"Effie, you know our son. If he drink alcohol, it would be a lot, do you think he'll overdo it with apple juice?" and Effie smiles so Monty feel better. "If he wanted to take drugs, our house is full of them, Effie, he would find them without a problem, he wouldn't even have to go out, he could easily walk into my office and I wouldn't even notice that anything is missing, but James isn't like that."

"You're not helping."

"I know, I understand. I'm worried too, and I want to support you in this. I talked to James because imagine that, I'm his parent too and he trusts me too. He's telling me things, especially the ones he don't want to talk to you about. I talked to him so I know that what he needs now is peace and our support. If he's not back by midnight I'll notify the Aurors, but please, Effie, don't yell at him when he gets back and don't force a conversation," he hugged her.

"I miss our little boy." She sniffs.

"The one who flew a broom through the window because he thought it was more 'convenient' than opening the door?"

"Exactly," she laughed a little. "It was easier when he was little."

"I'm sorry that I'm not easy anymore," it's James who just come back "I used the door," he informed, pointing his thumb in their direction. "I was running around a bit, it took longer then i think, but hey, no one attacked me on the way, I'm safe and doing well," he spread his arms with a smile "and now I'm going to sleep," he waved to his parents.

"Shit," Monty mumbled as he followed his son on stairs.

"I'm going to shower so... can we talk later?" James asked.

"Jamie, I don't know how much you've heard, and I don't know what you've inferred from it, but if by any chance you've come to the conclusion that you're a problem for us, you're wrong." Flemont began, James simply nodded.

"I know," he knows but sometimes he doesn't know, you know?

"If you think you're causing us trouble, you're not. Just because you have problems doesn't make you the problem. Mom and I will help you with anything, but you can't shut yourself away from us, Jamie. You may feel worse and we're here to help you, not to fix you, all right? Yes, that's right, we're worried and we cared about you, but that's not a problem, not for us," Monty promised.

"My life is pretty messed up right now, dad, I have a shitty year," James laughed a little and shakes his head "but that's not a conversation for today, good night dad and please, tell mom I won't hurt myself. I didn't want to tell her exactly because of that, she panics. I promised I'd never do it again, it only happened once and she's exaggerating."

"She's not... she's worried about you. I'm worried too, James, and I want you to know our room isn't far away so if you want drop by any time."

"When I was twelve and came in saying I wanted to sleep with you guys you said I was too big and you kicked me out," James recalled snorting.

"James," Monty rubbed his forehead "I'm sorry I kicked you out but we wanted to have sex so-"

"OKAY," he stoped amused "I get it, fine. I'm almost an adult but don't throw such things at me, I don't want to think about it," he said indignantly. Monty chuckled.

"I love you Jamie."

"Love you too dad. I love you just as much Mum. I know you're eavesdropping," James called out.

"That's not true!" She called back "goodnight Jamie," she smiled.

☆☆☆

"Monty, James is not at home,"Effie announces stressed shaking her husband's arm.

"What?" He woke up, put his glasses on his nose. "What are you talking about?"

"He's not home, he's not in his room, he didn't say where he was going, he didn't leave a note, nothing at all."

"Okay," Monty tried to play it cool "who didn't sneak out of the house at his age?"

"Fleamont," she looked distraught.

"James still has the location on the wand right?" He wondered, looking for a solution.

"Yes, but he left his wand at home," she fell on the bed.

"Effie, I'm sure he'll be back soon, we'll wait for him okay?" His voice soothing.

They did exactly as he said and James got home just a few houres after midnight.

"Oh, Hi," James greeted as he entered the living room where the light was on and his parents were sitting on the sofa.

"Where have you been, young man?" Euphemia asks with her arms folded.

"I think I'm in big trouble," James muttered "so definitely trouble," he muttered again, returning the hug his dad had offered him.

"We're glad you're home," Effie looked at him worriedly "now tell me where you've been."

"I was-I was at some...some Muggle club" he frowned "I was with friends, don't worry," he mumbled. He and Barty weren't exactly friends, but that didn't matter.

"Are you drunk?"

"Y-yeah," he agreed, then ran his hand through his hair.

"How much have you had, James?"

"Not much," he assured, licking his lip, he really wanted to go to bed. "I promise."

"You could have told us where you were going I think, although with a heavy heart, that you should be grounded," Effie informs Monty agrees with her.

Those words really hit her throat hard. When was the last time she punished James for something? It was always enough that he apologized, hugged her, and she just accepted it.

"Yeah, sure, I understand that," he assured, looking vague, which only now did his parents seem to notice, but before they could react, James vomited on the floor. "I'm sorry," he groaned.

"Take him to the room," Euphemia pleaded. That's what Fleamont did.

He took James upstairs, helped him change into pajamas, put him in his bed and sat on the edge of his son' bed. It was as if he was tuckling him to sleep when he was a little boy.

"Are you mad at me?" James asked sleepily.

"I'm not," Monty asurred.

"I'm mad at me, I'm mad at myself, so much," James decided.

"Why is that?" his dad was so soft.

"I don't know, I just shouldn't... I wasn't even having fun," he sighed "I did it because I was angry and that's not how I'm supposed to deal with my emotions," he informed seriously "I won't do that again," he promised "Reggie showed me some tricks but I don't think they will help this time. I just can't handle it, but don't worry I will eventually come up with something."

"Sleep well kiddo, we will talk in the morning, all right?"

"Goodnight dad."

And then he fall asleep.

He woke up and his dad brought him a hangover potion, which made James ask if he could get the recipe because he would sell it at Hogwarts for good money. Monty just laughed as if he didn't used to do that at his son's age.

"So now we're gonna talk?" James asked with a sigh. "Let's start with the fact that it was a hard year for me... This time we won the quditch cup by luck, twenty points advantage, the worst result since the beginning. I just couldn't handle it. I closed the circle for first-years, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle lot of things and i don't know why... Sirius is being abused again and I couldn't stop it. I stopped helping Remus, recently left him alone. I couldn't handle it. The whole situation where he almost died... I still can't get over it. I can't handle anything. I'm just... I wanted to help Regulus, and I only messed up. I couldn't even be his friend. I let him down. I let everyone down, literally everyone, I saw the remorse in Professor McGonagall's eyes when I received my diploma. I saw the disappointment of so many lost games. I saw Sirius' eyes begging for help. I let him down, I didn't do anything about it, I just let Sirius go back there. I don't know when was the last time I rejected Peter so much and I know he's damn sorry I don't play chess with him anymore, but out of politeness he doesn't tell me. I messed up with Lilly too, she's mad at me. I really tried, I tried really hard to be good friend. I want to let go but Severus doesn't make it easy, I don't have the strength to do it anymore and Lilly is angry because of course it's always my fault.

James talks and talks and talks and they listen and listen and listen.

"In addition all my friends are pulling away, they're sick of me. They saying they're not, 'stop that James', 'you're exaggerating James', 'be quiet James', 'calm down James', 'no James it's not true', and then 'No, I don't need you', 'come on James, smile', it's fucking exhausting. I started hanging out with Regulus and his friends, I was trying to make them like me but i couldn't handle even that. 'Oh well, he's a Gryffindor Reg', 'I don't know, I don't like him', 'James can you just go out'. I let Marlene down because a match that was very important to her, because Dorcas finally agreed to come, I ruined it... I wasn't there for Mary when... when she needed me, it's sick, someone tried to take advantage of her and, and, and oh fuck. It's just too much."

He needed a moment to rub his eyes to wipe the tears from his face.

"And I'm trying, I'm trying, and I'm trying but... I experienced a lot of panic attacks lately. I couldn't sleep at night at all. I did not understand why I felt bad. I burned out. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't feel happy playing quiditch. What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you love," his Mum assured quietly.

"It's not your fault," was dad' respond.

"That's hard. I feel like I can't do things anymore. I can't do anything right. I'm simply not enough. I'm not enough, and I'll let down everyone around me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry my exam results were so poor this year, I should have tried harder, I didn't want to disappoint you, but I just couldn't... I tried, but I think I had too much on my mind and-"

"Oh love, it's not your fault, you didn't disappoint us, you tried and that's the most important thing," Euphemia mumbled softly.

"Also I think that I'm in love," he added
"No. I don't think I know that. I'm in love, and this time more than ever, that's scares me, you know? What can I do?"

"Go for a date?" Fleamont proposed.

"It's not what I-" he started then sighed "it's different this time," he huffs "and it is my friend," he closed his eyes.

"Oh, that's make it complicated," they agreed.

"And I'm getting mixed signals. I-I've always had a little trouble telling the difference between emotions. I don't understand the difference between platonic and romantic signals. I don't even know if it's friendship or, or- and can it be love? Can somebody loves me? After all, nobody really does."

"Jamie, that's not true," they said at once.

"And I don't want to go back to school," James curled up and sobs. "I don't want to face all of that," he admitted "this is my last year at Hogwarts and I don't want it. I don't want it to end. I don't know what's next, I don't know what's to do next. Every dream I've had is simply stupid and unattainable, because what chance do I have to become a professional Quiditch player? 1/1000,000 and I don't think I have the strength to try anymore," James' head down, tears in his eyes, a sad smile on his lips. "I haven't even figured out who I am yet, how am I supposed to decide who I'm going to be?"

"Oh love," Effie was crying.

"I don't know what to do with it," James whispered.

"With what?" Monty asked, looking at his only kid, his son.

He didn't have tears in his eyes only because he knew how much they would hurt James, and he wouldn't dare hurt his lovely son.

"All the love I have, I don't know where to put it," he admitted quietly.

"Oh, Jamie," his dad hugged him.

"I have so much," he said sadly "so much love, but no one wants it. Why no one wants it? I can't even give it to myself. It's stupid. What should I do?"

"You can give it to me, Jamie," Monty smiled slightly, James laughed through tears.

"I love you."

But James will do it. He will handle it. He'll do it, and he'll be fine. Everything will settle down, and it will be fine.

Even if he needs to fake it until he makes it.

☆☆☆

The seventh year was different from the others.

It started differently.

It ended differently.

And it started well, James Potter felt good.

Everything was slowly returning to its place, everything was going in the right direction, everything was calm.

Really calm.

James just hoped this wasn't the calm before the storm.

But it was...

When James finally stops walking his feet are sore. He doesn't have the map nor his cloak so right now he is pretty much hopeless and will definitely get detention for being up after curfew but he has long stopped caring.

His back hits the wall and he lets himself slide down. He sits with his knees close to his chest, loosening his tie and opening the first buttons of his shirt. He leans his head back and puts a hand on his chest, right over his heart, listening to his own heartbeat.

That's how exactly Regulus Black found him, and that he was worried about James is an understatement.

"What's wrong?" he sat across from James in the dark corridor and nudged his knee with his knee. A soothing smile on his lips.

"What are you doing here?" Is James' question muffled by his knees.

He looks at Regulus from under his teary eyelashes.

"It doesn't matter," he shakes his head "what happened to you, James?"

"I feel bad," he admits.

"In a what way?"

"In a way, 'I want to stop thinking and finally rest'."

"An evening walk to clear your mind?" Regulus asks and James sighs.

"At times I just want to- settle down? Be quiet and just exist without thinking, you know? It's like- sleeping but you are conscious of the world around you. I want to do that a lot, especially lately, but it feels wrong around Pads, Moons and Wormy."

"Why?" Regulus frowned.

"Because- well because I'm the loud friend. Me and Sirius. We are the life of the party, the hyperactive extroverts. That's the dynamic we have. Sirius and I are loud extroverts and Remus and Pete are social introverts. If I suddenly go quiet then-"

"They won't stop loving you because you don't feel like talking, James," Reg whispered a promise James should know. "That's the whole point of them loving you in the first place. It means every corner of your being, even the one that wants to be quiet. Extroverts go quiet sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that," confirming smile.

"My mind is a fucking jungle right now," James admits a hint of shame in his voice. "I have a thousand thoughts at one time and none of them stop. They just pop up and hit me. Lately I've been overthinking. I-it's hard for me.. everything is loud, too loud and chaotic, so chaotic, it's just... it happens sometimes," he admitted "my mind goes crazy, not that it's usually calm, because that's not true," he laughed nervously "it's just that sometimes I can't stand it, sometimes it's too much, I can't handle it, I can't handled myself," he sniffs "at times like this, my dad used to drop a special potion for me," he smiled a bit.

"Yeah?"

"When I was a kid and I knew it was going to be one of those days, those days where I wouldn't focus on anything for more than three seconds, when my head would explode with chaos and everything was simply to much. I would go to his lab and ask for help, but now... I already asked and he sent me this medicine but fuck it wasn't enough normally it would last me a month but now... I can't ask for more, I don't want to worry him, I've never been in episodes that long. All this stress doesn't help me at all, everyone still demands something from me." James was almost crying.

He had opened up to Regulus for some reason, believing him to take care of his secrets. He didn't quite know why, maybe he loved him?

"I see," Regulus murmurs. "Was it some kind of calming potion?"

"I don't quite know what it was Reg, I know it helped when things were bad," he shakes his head. "The main ingredient was atomoxetine or methylphenidate and-"

"They are stimulants," Regulus blinked slowly, thinking hard before deciding to speak again. "I think," he started unsure "I think I can try, I can try to make something similar for you, I know the composition of these compounds, I know what ingredients they are made of, I'll do some reading and it shouldn't be difficult, they won't be identical and I don't know if they will help you but I can try if you want-"

James smiles with tears in his eyes, so terribly grateful to Regulus.

Regulus was worried, they were really strong drugs. They had a lot of side effects, it wasn't good for James to take them when he was down because they lowered his mood and made him depressed even more.

If he had the chance he wanted to try to help. He would do anything for James.

"I didn't know you had a attention deficit hyperactivity disorder..."

Sure, James was loud, obnoxious, and had the memory of a goldfish. He used to interrupt other people's conversations all the time. He was impatient and all, but... Reg didn't think it was that serious.

Regulus began to notice much more the way James talks, the way he moves, the way his hands keep moving all the time.

How he fidgeted in place, how he kept changing positions while talking, he wouldn't stay still, he kept tapping his foot or shaking his knee, biting his lip or biting the quill until it broke, turning quills in his fingers to concentrate on the teachers words.

He always sat in chairs backward, resting his hands on their backs, or on the top of the couch.

James was still doing something with his hands, snapping his fingers a lot.

Regulus hadn't paid that much attention to it before. He didn't notice how James' friends let him do more than others.

He didn't notice,
how Sirius let him tie his hair up to keep James' attention on the conversationhow Remus played background music for study,
how Peter threw a ball with him asking questions as they studied for a test.
How Lilly gave him muggle fidget toys,
how Marlene helped him organize his thoughts, taught him how to calm down, even meditate,
how Mary who was always on guard to remind him of important things, she gave him a journal so he can write important thoughts in.

He didn't notice.

James, I'd like to have a word with you in an hour at the tower ~ R.A.B

"Who is sending you notes, Prongs?" Peter asks suspiciously.

"Exactly, who are you romancing, James?" Remus raises an eyebrow.

The wide smile on James' lips makes them wonder, because who caused it?

"Oi, Prongs, what is this shady business with my brother?" Sirius looked over his shoulder and read the message. James was confused and laughed awkwardly. "You two are up to something," he points an indignant finger at him.

"No," James denies pressing his lips together in a nervous gesture.

Remus silences the surroundings so that no one can hear them.

"So what's going on?" he asked gently.

"He made... he is good at potions. He's really smart and... And he promised to help me with... He did potion for me..."

"The same one your dad makes?" Peter asks and James nodded.

"He decided to help you?" Sirius frowns. When did Reggie start being nice?

(Who he's trying to fool? Sieius is well aware of the crush his brother has on his best friend.)

And maybe they were imagining it, or maybe James blushed.

(They do not. Because Sirius was aware of the crush his best friend had on his brother.)

Anyway, James and Regulus met in the astronomy tower. As they faced each other, James grinned widely, Reg smiled rather shyly.

"I have something for you," Reg holds out a paper box in front of him.

"You have no idea how grateful I am, thank you Reggie. Can I hug you? I want to hug you. I really want to hug you."

"You can," Reg whispered, so James did it. "I made them in the form of pills," he informed "you can chew them like Muggle chewing gum, I can make them any flavor you want, just say a word, for now they're mint," James smiles into his shoulder "they should help you concentrate, chewing is stimulating."

"Really?" James frowned.

"But if you don't like that, I'll stick with infusion or drops," Regulus ignored James as he finished his thought. "I consulted with Poppy 'for medical purposes and my potions grade' so it's safe." He assures.

"You did more than you had to help me," James' lips curve into a beautiful smile. "You are the most wonderful boy in the world," James informed honestly, Regulus blushed "You didn't have to do anything but you did, you have no idea how grateful I am to you, and you didn't tell me what you want in return."

"I'd like...in return for my services, I'd like," he wonders, James waits, studying his face intently, it curves into the mean grin that suits him so well. He knew he was going to get something impossible to fulfill, but he waited because he would do anything for Regulus. "I want you to give me a kiss," James was right something he couldn't fill. "It's a joke Potter, relax," he informs seeing James' horrified look. "If you pay me back for the ingredients I will be satisfied or give me beans of all flavors I like them," he shrugs.

"You can guarantee it," James smiles "but is the kiss offer still valid?" he raises an eyebrow teasing him.

☆☆☆

James was a head boy.

His friends used to make a lot of jokes about that, but James doesn't find it funny. He was exhausted.

He can't tell he wasn't proud or happy about that. He was. He really was.

Profesor McGonagall call him to her ofice one day.

"I don't think that Dumbledore do a good thing making you a head boy," she started. James got scared.

"I'm sorry," he said, he didn't know about what he was sorry, he just was. "I promise I will be a good head boy," he sweared. "Did I do something wrong? I can fix it. I'm trying, I'm really trying, give me a chance. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't. What I have done?" he was speaking fast.

"No, it's not the problem Mr Potter. You did nothing wrong," she promised. "Take a biscuit James," she give him a box.

"Why you think I won't be good? You don't belive in me? I can, really I can, I will learn to make it good. I promise."

"It have nothing to do about your behavior. Honestly I think you will be amazing head boy, you're talented and clever, you are good-natured and friendly. A good candidate." she smiles.

"Then why," he asked confused.

He will be good.

He will be so, so, so good.

Just give him a chance.

He will be enough.

He really will be.

Just let him.

Just belive in him.

He will be good.

James will... but he already felt miserable.

"Listen James, you're a quditch player, you're a capitan, it's great responsibility. You've got a whole team on your hands, it's a challenge you're handling very well. You have helping Mr Lupin around the full moons, you're helping Mr Black. You're helping a lot," she noticed. "You're always for you friends, you're doing everything for everyone. You are a good kid." She smiled "In addition, I can say that you're in love, aren't you?" James blinked slowly, how could she know?

"That's too much for someone to young," she said with a sad smile "you're overwhelmed by that. You're exhausted, you need to think about yourself, treat yourself with kindnes James," she asked him "just like you do with everyone," she smiled. "If you're a head boy you have more responsibilities, more exercise, more things to do. You don't have time for this James," she explains to him.

"You're young you should think about you and you're friends, maybe about your lover. You should concentrate about yourself and yours future. You have a lot on your head, that's enough." She assured him calmly, she worries him too much. "Who's gonna do pranks in Hogwarts if not you?" She also drew attention to this aspect and James felt that she really had a good time because of them, because of marauders, he felt very nice about it. "I can't say you can't be capitan anymore, you're too good in that, but i know it's to much for you, so please James think about it, okay?"

"Sure," he smiled "please, professor, don't need to be worry about me, I'll be fine," he assured with a smile.

He'd regret it, would have been Minnie's answer, but she just smiled and nodded

James spent a lot of time with Reggie, accompanied him to the library, on walks on the grounds, sometimes he visited his dormitory, sometimes they met in the astronomical tower.

Regulus rolled his eyes at his behavior, not wanting to admit that he felt good about it.

James was really nice. He was the nicest person Regulus Black had ever met in his entire life.

James really tried. James tried to get Regulus to notice him. He tried to make Reggie feel good and always made sure he was comfortable.

Regulus was surprised when James asked his opinion. When he asked if he could do something, he was also surprised that when he told James "no", he respected it.

James always listened to him.

Regulus might have rolled his eyes when he said "Potter", but deep down he liked James. He really liked him.

Reggie - it sounded completely different in James' mouth.

James Potter said his name as if it actually meant something, as if it really meant something.

Regulus was starting to trust him. He became attached and couldn't decide yet whether it was good or bad.

"What's that pretty boy?" Evan asked as he sat next to Regulus, because he looked like he need a friend now "tell me," he yawn .

"James made me feel things," Regulus said slowly.

"What things?" Evan doesn't looked interested, but he in fact was interested.

"Feelings," Reg said, Evan blinked.

"James made you feel feelings?" he asked confused.

"Yeah," Regulus nodded.

"What a bitch," he decided and they laughs together.

But it's not only that.

"I want him to like me. And I'm scared that when he knows me, if he really knows me- that he won't... like me." That's what it all comes down to doesn't it?

Regulus isn't even sure if he's protecting James or himself. Regulus feels like water in James' hands, and he's desperate not to slip out.

James liking him means something to Regulus. It means everything to him. James is good, he is so good, and if he can look at Regulus and see something worth liking, then maybe Regulus is good too. If only just the smallest bit. Even that's enough for him. To just know that maybe he is good too.

James loves with all of himself, with his entire heart and nothing less, Regulus has learned. To be cared for that way, to be liked that way has more than overwhelmed, but he has never been so happy to have been brought back to life.

It's Pandora's voice that breaks his thoughts.

"I think James will cherish every single thing about you."

And maybe she's right.

James and Regulus found their way to each other and their relationship started to really exist, their friends were very supportive which was really nice.

But that didn't mean any less of a problem for the boy as bright as the sun.

Because maybe Sirius was reassuring him that it was okay, that he didn't mind, and that he was the biggest shipper for "starcheser" but James still felt like there was something wrong, like it wasn't quite right.

James knew he couldn't help but love who he fell in love with, but still, the fact that it turned out to be his best friend's brother felt wrong.

As for love, James was afraid he was showing it wrong.

He was in a decent, real relationship for the first time and well... he didn't expect it to be so difficult.

James did his best to prepare each date to make Regulus feel loved, cared for and try so hard that he was afraid he would be too much... what if Reg one day says to him "I'm sorry but I can't do that anymore, you're too much." What if?

James was often told that he was too much and Regulus still didn't know bad was James' illness, how much ADHD affected his everyday life. What if he decides he's not ready for this, that James is too hard to deal with?

James didn't want to be too much.

But he also didn't want to be too little, he wanted to show Regulus how much he cares about him, how much he loves him and how precious and worth he is, something Regulus didn't have, James wanted to give it to him but what if it will overwhelms him, scares him away?

Also... when James was home for the weekend he decided it was time to tell his parents and... and it didn't go as well as he expected.

Of course it didn't go badly... they weren't mad at him or anything. It's just that when he told his parents he was dating a boy, their brows were furrowed and their faces were surprised.

His dad left the dining room.

Mum assured him it was only temporary, that Monty just needed to think it over, smiling at him, she said she was happy for him, she asked him to tell her about this boy and kissed him on the forehead saying that she was proud of him, that he was brave and that she loved him no matter what.

When his dad came to his room in the evening, James listened to him with a smile, of course he forgive, as soon as his dad looked at him.

Fleomont said that he needs a moment to sort it out but he assured that he loves James and that will never change, he only asked for time, because it's a big shock when your only child, the only heir decides not to extend the line. He said the most important thing to him is James' happiness.

So it was supposed to be good, but James felt that he had let him down. He felt like he did something wrong. He felt bad.

"James?" Regulus grabs his chin and gently turns his head so he's looking into his eyes, James drums his fingers on the floor making little noise.

"Yes, love?" James asks with a smile.

"Is something wrong?" Regulus frowned in concern.

James doesn't want him to be worried.

"No, why?" so he smiles.

Regulus didin't push this time.

James returns to his dorm in the evening, it's Friday and he already hears the muffled voices of many more people than his three friends, there are probably girls there too.

Oh, he heard Barty too, and if Barty's there, then the rest of the Slytherins probably too, and if they're Pandora too.

James was probably the only person who wasn't in there.

There was another peal of laughter and James tried to swallow down his sudden rage at their ease. How simple it seemed for everyone else.

What was wrong with him?

Why did anger itch under his skin so intensely it burned?

He didn't think he'd been a natural a day in his life, all he did was try.

The door bursts open and almost hits him, James smiles happily seeing Sirius.

"James you're here!" Sirius exclaims loudly. "I was just coming looking for you, only you are missing, Regulus is already starting to panic, come inside," he pulls his hand, James follows him

He tugged on his hair, a slightly nervous gesture. He was so stupid and undermined his friends so much, he knew they cared about him, he knew.

"Hi everyone!" he called loudly with a big smile, they all greeted him back by calling or waving. James found his place on the floor next to Remus.

Remus looked at him worried, James didn't want him to be worried, he clenched his teeth forcing a reassuring smile. Remus ignored it and yanked him towards him, James staggered and fell on top of him in surprise, causing both of them to end up lying on the floor laughing.

"Hey hey, are you cheating on me already? I was literally gone half a minute Remus," Sirius puts his hand to his heart dramatically.

"What can I say, James has that something ya know?" Remus winks at him, James sticks his tongue out at Sirius, he grins happily.

Sirius gasps.

"Go away, this is my place," Sirius shoves his best friend away.

"We're back! What did we miss?" Dorcas calls as she and Regulus go inside.

James was just wondering where his boyfriend was, he had an answer, he went with Dorcas to get... some potion?

"Nothing important, Sirius and Remus are getting divorced and James is cheating on you," Marlene shrugs.

"What?" Regulus snorts. The first part of the sentence is a lie because Sirius and Remus are kissing right now, and the second part was just a unfunny joke. James was incapable of hurting anyone.

"Won't you say hello to your boy Reggie?" Barty teases him, because Regulus had been asking where James was for the last ten minutes.

Reg frowns at James, something is wrong but he can't pinpoint what yet. James looks at him with a wide smile, something not sincere about this gesture, he squints.

Overstimulated? He seems to ask, James sat fidgeting in place, playing with his hands and blinking rapidly.

"Hi James," he smiles slightly at him, comes closer and sits next to James, he doesn't kiss him doesn't even touch his hand, it's not good for now. Regulus doesn't want to overload James.

"Why is that?" James asks, leaning over him "where's my hello kiss?" he pouted.

Regulus shakes his head amused and just pecked him on the lips for a second.

James laughed.

They started talking and playing silly games and had a really nice time.

"Oh, I wish I could be as easy-going as you James, talking to people is so awkward, I'm so bad at conversation," Mary shakes her head amused.

"You are not," Dorcas assures.

"On the other hand, it is also wrong to be too open, look at Barty," Evan shrugs "he could yell at a random person on the street and say 'hey, you know the ancient egyptians...' you can't go out with him anywhere," he sighed.

"But James has it perfect in the middle," Lilly smiles at him.

James nodded in agreement.

Yes, he was so easygoing, of course.

"And he didin't even try!" They laughed. James laughs too even if it was a lie because he tried really, really hard.

James didn't spend every second of every day trying to shape himself into something likable. Absolutely not! That'd be crazy. James definitely hadn't created his personality just to please the people around him. He didn't.

Some time later, getting closer to midnight and with more glasses of firewhiskey it got funnier.

"And you, Potter? You're not drinking?" Evan raises an eyebrow as he pours everyone another round.

"He can't mix alcohol with his meds," Peter informs indifferently, reaching for his own glass. James looks at him with wide eyes. His parents took him to a doctor to specialist who gave James serious medications that really helped.

Why? Why did he say that? They don't know, they don't know, they shouldn't know. James starts to panic.

"Just like Pandora, she felt bad today and got some heavy painkillers from Poppy," Evan shrugs, okay, sickness, flu, whatever, it's better than the truth, James shrugs.

"Oh," James looked at Pandora sympathetically.

"It's better now," she informed with a smile.

They laugh some more.

"Potter, I kind of hoped Sirius would kill you," Barty sighed dramatically, they talk about Regulus and James' relationship and Sirius' reaction. "The world would be a better place," he says with a mean grin, it's playful and Dorcas and Evan slap him for it, rolling their eyes.

James winked at Barty in response, smiling as if those sorts of things bounced off of him. As if he didn't think the same thing whenever he got too drunk or couldn't sleep.

If anyone actually knew the things he felt or the thoughts that looped around his head, even his friends who'd loved him half his life wouldn't stick around.

James kept people in his life by keeping the nasty, dark parts of himself hidden. If they saw it, they'd leave. They would turn on him. He knew.

Sometime later, his friends come up with a great idea that James doesn't like, they want to play truth or dare (but no dare) with truth serum.

"James come on!" they tried to convince him, they had already started the game but when it was James' turn he refused to take the veritaserum.

"No, I don't want to play," James sighed.

"James!" Marlene threw her hands up "no fun with you," she pouted.

"You have nothing to hide, what are you afraid of?" Sirius nudges him with his elbow.

If only they knew how much James in fact have to hide, how much he hid from them...

"Exactly, James," Lilly supports them.

"Don't worry, we won't ask about your sex life with Regulus," Remus promises, a cute smile on his lips.

"Moony spit it out, don't say that! I don't want to hear about it, he's a kid like, how old is he 8?" Sirius dramatically collapses to the floor hearing these words, the rest burst out laughing.

"I'm almost sixteen," Regulus rolls his eyes.

"See? A baby!" Sirius points out.

"So what Prongs convinced?" Peter asks. "No questions about your romantic affairs," he promises.

"Hey! Not fair, I want to hear about their bed life," Evan folds his arms over himself.

"Coughs, pervet, coughs," Dorcas laughs.

"But- we, we didn't, we haven't, we -" James is lost, looking like a confused puppy left in the middle of the street.

"It's okay James," Regulus smiles at him "stop making him uncomfortable, don't force him if he doesn't want to," he commands them.

"Hey wait," Mary frowns "does that mean you two haven't done it yet?" she asks.

"And?" Regulus raises an eyebrow.

"Dude, it's been like a month since you've been together," Barty points out.

"Now I just feel sorry for you," Marlene sighs.

"No, they're right," Sirius nods "things like that only after marriage," he informs solemnly.

"Tell that to Remus and my poor ears because you've forgotten the Silencing Charm again," Peter huffs.

"Sorry Pete," Remus smiles cutely at him.

"Reg?" James looks at his boyfriend "is that bad?" he asks looking into his eyes.

He's not good enough, he's not good enough, he's not good enough.

"Oh James, no, of course not," he shakes his head "it's okay, we're okay," he assures him and he's telling the truth, he must be telling the truth, James hopes he's telling the truth.

They keep playing but James can't bring himself to be interested in any of it anymore, he rubs his eyes.

"I guess I'm going to sleep now," he says getting up from the ground.

"Boooo!" Lilly called after him.

"You're booooring," Remus laugh, James laughed too, even though the words boring. you're boring, you're boring James, you're boring them danced over and over in his head for the next hour.

Well it had gotten worse, so did James Potter's anxiety attacts.

It was obvious that he'd never want his friends to know though, because of course that would ruin his shining image of the kind, caring, and utterly selfless person he tried to be everyday.

His mum wrote him letters trying to comfort him, she was always so lovely and even though James didn't tell her anything, she guessed, so she was writing to him all that kind words.

Jamie, there are people in this world whose faces light up when they see you, And that's not because of what you can do or what you can provide, or how they can benefit from you. It's just because of who you are, Jamie. You're good James, you're very good.

The door slams open and his friends pile into the room, they're laughing over something or other.

James can't focus on it. But he can't ignore it. So he hides his face away in his knees instead, maybe they'll just go away. The room will go back to being quiet and everything will be fine.

He'll be able to finish these assignments, and everything will be fine. It'll be fine.

"Prongs?" Sirius' voice pushes through the room, they've stopped laughing. "You alright?"

James tries to open his mouth to speak but no words come out, he can't force them. Biting the inside of his cheek he nods, hoping they'll just ignore him.

Nothing was right, he had a lot of things on his mind, too much. He couldn't let Regulus come home for Christmas, he didn't want to screw up school even more than now, his grades were dropping notoriously, he had three essays to write, he had to make up strategize for the next game, the boys had come up with some prank, he had to help them. James had too much on his mind. He promised to dye Marlene's hair, meet Lilly at the library, and all this before meeting Regulus that evening.

Oh Regulus. James didn't know how to approach him, how to trick him further, Reg seemed to see perfectly through him, he found these little disturbing things and put them together and James was scared. He knew, he should tell him about his adhd but he couldn't bring himself to. James didn't want to be a problem, a burden. He didn't want to cause him any more trouble, adding his own, Regulus had enough of them.

"What's going on with you?" Sirius asks again, grabbing his arm he adds "you've been-".

"Don't touch me," James mutters, pulling himself away.

Sirius looks back at the other two boys in the room.

"What's up with you?" He tried again.

"Nothing," James stands quickly walking to the other side of the room "I've just been busy," he speaks fast. Tears well up in his eyes faster and faster, he can't handle it anymore, it's too much.

He can't, he can't, he can't.

"You don't look good, James," Peter says, "Are you sure you're-".

"Yeah, I'm fine," James cuts him off angrily.

Remus steps forward.

"If you're stressed you-"

"I'm fine!" James exclaims. "I told you I was fine!" he raised his voice and quickly regretted it, he quickly locked himself in the bathroom.

Merlin what will his friends think when they catch up.

Pull yourself together James. You've got this. Don't let them see you so broken.

He slides down the wall onto the floor and just sits there hugging his knees and shaking.

I can't breathe

I can't breathe

He can hear them getting closer and instinctively covers his ears, the noise splitting his skull.

Keep rocking,
keep breathing,
stop thinking.

He can sense that they are on the other side of the door. They're probably laughing at him.

What a freak.

Why can't you just be normal?

James can only imagine what they're whispering. He cries even harder, trying to block everything out but he can't.

It's all so so wrong and he can't breathe. Why can't he breathe?

He glances at his tear-stained face and attempts a smile but it's all wonky and it's wrong. It's all so wrong and he can't breathe again. He's scared, he's scared and he can't breathe.

Suddenly someone is there. Sat on the floor infront of him. Just sat there.

James wanted to scream.

He started to hit his head on the wall behind him, hands on ears, eyes squeezed shut but something warm and soft got in the way.

"Shush there, don't do that my love," the warm thing said. "I'm here James, it's okay, we're okay."

Someone turns the lights off and James feels his eyes relax a bit.

Then his hands are being pried away from his ears, he panics because it's all coming back, because it's too loud, because he can't handle it, and the laughter is still ringing in his ears.

He calms down, forces himself to calm down. He looks ahead and rubs his nose. And his heart breaks, Regulus looks at him with more than concern and worry.

James doesn't want to be a worry to anyone. He has no reason, he has no right, nothing bad happened, he's fine, he should be happy, he should be good. why couldn't he?.

James swallows thickly. This is why he didn't want Regulus to see him like this, barely holding it together, because the second Reg shows he cares, James won't be able to hold it back. Knowing this, James looked away from Regulus, his eyes already filling with tears.

He couldn't make Regulus hate him.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Don't hate me, don't, please, don't.

"James, hey," it's a gentle voice, calm "breathe," he pleaded softly "you're good, you're okay, I got you," he tentatively stretches his hands out in front of him, not knowing if it's too much, but James falls into his arms.

This touch doesn't hurt, it soothes.

Regulus doesn't like crying. He's scared of it honestly. But James cries like it kills him. Like his tears bury him alive.

Regulus guides him to the bed and they lie there cuddled up together for a very long time.

They talk and talk and James feels good for the first time in a long time.

"It's okay to feel what you're feeling. They will still love you if you're broken. I'm here for you, and so are they," he whispered.

James feels himself wanting to agree. Logically he agrees. But so much deeper, in his heart, in his soul, he really isn't sure and he isn't willing to test it on something as permanent and painful as this experience, so he puts up the walls around him again.

To James surprise, when Regulus finally got behind his tiredness and sudden bursts of emotions, James found that for the first time in his life, he had someone who cared for him. Not in the loud, cheering way Sirius did. And not in the silence holding, friendly but distant way Remus did. Reg just had that kind of comfort that'd radiate off of him, even without him even meaning to.

And in the end, it was all that James needed.

☆☆☆

Reg went inside, found James with his eyes and walked over to him. He felt terrible now, his heart clenched with pain when he looked at James.

James' eyes were closed tightly and he wasn't going to open them. He did not open them when Regulus wrapped his arms around him, closing him in a gentle embrace.

What else can he do right now? .

Reg gently grasped James's hands and lifted them from his head, not letting him pull his own hair any longer. He kissed the top of his head tenderly to calm him down.

"That's okay," Reg whispered calmly.

James knew who it was from that moment when cold hands touched his skin. He knew that because it was the only one that knew James needed physical touch when he cried (to ground him to reality).

Regulus was the only person James felt that he was being hugged, not that he was hugging. Regulus made James feel safe, so now he was trembling in the younger boy's arms, trying not to choke on crying.

"R-Reg" James started, but was cut off by the most sincere words he ever heard.

"Don't explain, just cry if you need to, love," his voice so soft.

How could James not love him?

"I'm sorry," James unexpectedly stopped shaking, He was still in Regulus' arms but he was calm.

"Don't apologize, do it again and I'll punch you," he warns.

"I'm sor-" he stopped. "I didn't want to be punched," he said seriously.

"Good," Regulus nodded "you can cry, okay?" he whispered, he touched James's hand, joining his fingers with his. "How could someone hurt you, huh? You're such a nice soul, so good natured, innocent and sensitive, yeah? You don't deserve to be hurt. You're so adorable, pretty and cute and precious and-"

"Reg, stop," he said embarrassed. His cheeks red.

"Did I just made you blush?" Reg raised an eyebrow.

"It's just from tears, don't think much about it," James smiles at him.

"Mhm, of course," Reg also smiles slightly.

☆☆☆

"James," Regulus said, James adores the sound of his name on his lips.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Have you ever thought about... I have a challenge for you, James, try to satisfy your soul and not people. What do you like to do James?"

"I really like quditch" he admits "But you know... I love quiditch when I'm not captain when I don't have to win at all costs, um I-"

"Very well, let's go James."

"Where?"

"What do you mean when you ask where? To the pitch!"

"It's past curfew,"

"And I'm sure you'll come up with something that will allow us to slip away undetected, won't you? It's a good thing you don't like to win, because you don't stand a chance against me."

"You're kidding, I'm the best player," James rolls his eyes with big smile.

"In your dreams," Reg raises an eyebrow defiantly. "I'm going to win."

"I won't let that happen," James chuckles.

So they went. James has not been so happy for a long time, as he was sitting on a broom racing with Regulus, looking at the night sky full of stars and laughing out loud, releasing this sound into the sky. Regulus can't help but smiled too.

Eventually they had to return to the castle, under the invisibility cloak, close to each other to fit in. They walked slowly whispering something every now and then.

James left Regulus outside his dormitory and said goodbye with a smile.

James smiles at the fact that the cloak ruffled Regulus' hair and it looks all soft and adorable and not as straight and perfect as it usually does.

If there is anything James Potter loves in this world, it's seeing Regulus Black out of sorts.

☆☆☆

"Mr. Potter," Minerva smiles at the boy letting him into his office "as far as I know, you don't have detention today," she smiles slightly, James lets out a stressed laugh.

"I- I-" he stopped, he didn't think it would be so hard "I thought," he didn't start well, he stopped "I wanted to talk to an adult, I guess."

"Sit down James, make yourself comfortable, tea? Would you like a cookie?" she asks with a smile.

James wants to cry, why is she so nice? Why are people nice to him?
James doesn't deserve this.

It's getting harder and harder to hold back tears. They sit in silence but Minerva doesn't break it, she gives James time, even if he just sits here, that's good right? Maybe that's enough, Maybe this moment of peace will help him. That's okay.

"Professor could you tell me something? Anything," his request is quiet and tentative "really anything, just to keep my mind occupied," almost a whisper.

"Of course, James," She agree, because it's not a trivial request, not from James.

So she starts talking, she tells him about the meaning of flowers, about the last time she baked cookies, she dictates the whole recipe to him.

She talks and James listens attentively. She speaks and James is grateful to her.

"Thank you Professor," James smiled getting up from the chair and getting ready to leave her office.

Minerva stops him.

"Why did you come here, James?" she asks, because the question won't leave her alone, and neither will the dangerous gleam in the boy's eyes.

"I didn't want to do something stupid," again that dangerous spark that screams that something is terribly wrong.

"How are you doing James?" concern fills her voice and James's heart breaks.

So he laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh, it wasn't a laugh that everyone who knew James was used to, that laugh was full of pain, it was so broken.

"You know what?" He shakes his head "Usually when people ask me how I'm doing," James' voice is shaky "the real answer is 'everything is wrong'," James looks down at the floor "but I can't say that because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty." He looked up at Minerva's face for a moment.

"J-"

"If I say I'm bad, then they ask 'why? What's wrong?' and I have to be like 'I don't know, all of it?'," and he chuckled with tears in his eyes. "So instead, when people ask me how I'm doing I usually say 'I'm doing so great'." James lets out a shaky breath. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that," he's biting his cheek as he looked at Minerva "Anyway, thank you for your time," he said before closing the office door behind him. He run away from his problems.

"James wait!" she called after him, James didn't stop, didn't come back, so Minerva followed him "James, a word," she said again "come back for a moment, okay?"

"I have responsibilities," he said firmly "things to do, places to be, you know Professor," he announces before hesitantly turns to face her.

But in the end they went back to her office anyway and James felt stupid.

"You don't need a good reason to feel bad James, sometimes we can't do things right. Sometimes we can only make them better," she speaks calmly, soothingly "it just happens sometimes, we all have bad days and that's okay," James doesn't answer. "I'm glad you came to me instead of doing what you call 'that stupid thing' you are strong James and you know when you need help. If you have any problems you can always come to me if not, then turn to your friends, whatever you say about them, they are wonderful and supportive, they are good to you. If you want I'll invite your parents, or you can come home for a while. Anything that will make you feel better." She promisses.

"I think you were right at the beginning of the year, it's too much even for me," he shook his head.

"Oh James," she said quietly.

Even the sun needs a break at night.

"Boys," James started unsure.

"Yeah, Prongs?" Now they know better then to ignore him.

"I'm not a head boy anymore."

"Oh."

☆☆☆

"I can make me happy, I can put on a smile and throw all my problems aside whenever I want, and everyone pays attention when I'm thay 'James Potter' everyone, but it, it feels like cheating because would they like me if I didn't have all of this? If I was just James? Would the same people who like James Potter would stuck around for James? Because, some if them don't and it really sucks..."

"James, why didn't you say it was that bad?" Sirius whispers, his head tilted down.

"We had no idea that you..."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I can't talk about it because if I talk about it that means it matters. If it matters that means it's real, and if it's real that means it's going to hurt," James bursts out during a heart-to-heart talk with his friends, they hug him tight.

Sirius was broken, but so was James, and maybe somehow, maybe somehow, they made a kind of whole together.

James was crying and Sirius hugged him, part of Sirius, very small and very stupid part, was convinced that nothing bad could happen to James as long as he held him close enough.

☆☆☆

James was tired. Again.

He felt terrible, and it wasn't like something had happened, because nothing had happened.

He had just planned the latest strategy for the next match, made team selections, booked the field for training.

He was just helping the younger kids with their homework. Just got back from a corridor patrol.

He just helped Mrs. Hooh clean her brooms. He just finished watering the plants in the greenhouse because Pomeony asked him to.

He'd just finished talking to Regulus about tadpoles, damn tadpoles (he loved that conversation, as well as the boy he had it with).

He had just helped Remus heal another of the wounds on his arm. He has just returned from Mr. Pomfery with the medicine.
He just played chess with Peter.
He had just calmed Sirius down after another letter from his parents.

He just came back from detention.

He just finished looking for Mary to return her already checked essay. He was just agreeing with Marlene for the race.
He just made a bet with Dorcas that he could go 10 minutes underwater without magic.
He just promised Barty a round of exploding snap.
He just agreed to baking cookies for Pandora.
He just wrote back to his parents.
He just met Lilly and helped her carry the books.
He just met Evan and talked to him.

Right now he was damn tired even though he had no reason to.
He didn't do much at all.

He was so tired.

Some days you just want to lie down and beg to fall asleep before you fall apart.

"BETRAYAL!How could you!? Moony, I thought you loved me!" James had just heard Sirius scream, he was laughing out loud. "Come on, Prongs, join us and help me," Sirius whimpered and giggled immediately afterwards. "Together we'll defeat those crooks who use illicit tricks, two against one? Not fair! YOU ARE SUCH TERRIBLE DORKS."

Sirius was just brushing his hair out of his face when James peeked out to see what was going on. Pillow fight. James bit his lip in amusement and reached for a pillow, deciding to help poor, defeated Sirius, who had no chance against Moony and Peter.

He winked at his friend, making a 'shhh' so that Sirius wouldn't betray his position. Sirius smirked.

"Oh no, how will I cope? I have no chance, you two are unbeatable. I must give up!" he moaned more dramatically, bouncing off the mattress.

"Be careful who you call a dork, dumbass," Remus was about to take a swing to finish off the defenseless Sirius when James hit him with a pillow on the back of the head in complete surprise.

"WE WILL WIN THIS PRONGS, come on come to my side," Sirius pulled his hand.

"What gives you the right to think you're going to win?" Remus snorted.

And then the real battle began. Feathers were flying everywhere, the pillows were as crumpled as ever and they were laughing so loud as if the world didn't exist. They had so much fun.

They weren't little boys anymore, but they had a great time.

They collapsed on the mattress with a loud sigh, tired from the fight.

The pillow fight was a great idea.

"So I won?" Sirius blew his hair out of his face and Remus unconsciously nodded, too obsessed with the beauty of the black-haired boy. Peter slapped him on the shoulder in disappointment.

They bursts out laughing.

And suddenly James wasn't tired anymore.

He didn't feel tired at all.

He was happy.

☆☆☆

Dear James Potter,

You don't have to prove yourself to be loved;
You don' t have to be happy all the time it's okay to cry and have bad days;
Exist as you are, we love you for that.

There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.

P.S. It's a note to James Potter, the boy who always smiles: you don't have to, we love you either way.

<<>>

What people often forget, what James often forgets, is that the Sun is also a star, just a louder one.