Calloused fingers pulled tight the laces of her boots. What she normally relied on as muscle memory had become so labored. She was sure somewhere in her mind she could pull out some irony, some joke, about all of this if she tried hard enough. The butch knew that things were messy being someone’s first girlfriend. She expected that. What she did not expect was to walk into this party, not even making it five steps in the door, firewhiskey in hand, and see her girlfriend, her Lily pressed up against James, kissing him like there was no one else in the world. Sure, maybe dropping her glass on the floor had been a touch dramatic. But the shattering glass seemed to snap Lily out of James’s clearly so enticing embrace, and that was what she wanted. She shoved the door of Sirius’s flat open, put a cigarette in her mouth, and lit it.
Merlin, how was she going to manage this. When Lily followed after her, doe eyed scowl paired with glassy eyes, her chest tightened.
“Lily, what the fuck?”
“Mac, that wasn’t what you think it was!”
“Oh? You weren’t just sucking face with your ex boyfriend? Do I need fucking glasses?”
“No- I was-“ She started “I just wanted to make sure it was different.”
“And in all your brilliant ideas, you couldn’t come up with historical data? Fuck you.”
“Mac I–“
But the butch dropped her cigarette on the ground, stomped it out, and began stalking off. As far as she was concerned, every single person at this party was dead to her. She didn’t want to unpack it, to recall what it felt like when she was just figuring things out. She didn’t want to call upon her memories of not being “a real man,” and being told she was such pretty girl before she chopped off all of her hair and started finally feeling like herself. She didn’t want to think about how her entire life felt like a dress put on too tight, and that Marlene hated dresses. Marlene didn’t want to be kind or compassionate. She wanted to scream. She wanted the guilt at the back of her mind to quiet itself, because she had just been cheated on for fucks sake. She was absolutely going to lose it if she had to comfort someone else through that.
Lily ran after the butch, her mind reeling as she tried to understand what just happened. Why did she do that? It was so FUCKING stupid. Maybe it was the commentary, maybe it was the red wine, but all of a sudden she was so unsure, so unsteady in her conviction. Here she was, her usual fierce spitfire relegated to insecurity over her newly publicized identity.
“Lils, you can’t possibly be gay!” He had said, his arm wrapping around her waist. God, it made her skin crawl. “You liked me way too much. Besides-“
He got impossibly closer, “What’s she got that I don’t?”
She wanted so badly to get out of that situation, but something gnawed at her. Something in her stomach shifted and turned, and anxiety burrowed in her chest. Maybe he was right. Maybe she wasn’t actually as into this as she thought she was. Maybe she was being stupid. Petunia had always said she was too desperate to be different, too odd. Maybe she was just following that to its end. And before she knew it, she was kissing James, just to quiet that voice in the back of her mind calling her a liar. Mac wasn’t here, and no one knew she was actually dating her anyway. What was the harm?
But then, the glass was shattered and she couldn’t help the way she wanted to vomit. Of course it had been different. Of course things were different with Marlene. Of course she wanted to be with Marlene.
Her feet were carrying her before she knew what was happening, and she was running down the street after the butch.
“Mac,” She mumbled, green eyes welling with tears, “He said he didn’t believe me and I started not to believe me and—“ She whimpered, “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t care.” Marlene replied, her grey eyes rolling. “You know what he’s saying about me in there? He’s saying ‘Lily went from a real man to whatever she is!’ He’s saying you’re here for a pity fuck! I don’t want anyone saying that kind of shit about me.”
“You’re not giving me a pity fuck—“ Lily started, but Mac cut her off.
“I’m the pity fuck! He thinks you’re with me because you feel bad for me! I don’t want anyone with me because they feel bad.” She mumbled.
“I’m not with you because I feel bad, Mac. I’m with you because I want to be with you.”
“You’re not with me.” Marlene replied, ice in her words, “Not after that fucking display.” And with that, she was off again. She could’ve walked across the whole of London, stomping and seething, if she hadn’t reached her own flat first. Her flat, where she had barely made it in the door after work, because she was running late to this fucking party. A flat where, sitting on the kitchen table Lily had left love letters and flower petals and a photo of the two of them just this morning. When she noticed it, it felt almost cruel. Her eyes welled with tears as she looked over the small shrine to their relationship, and Marlene couldn’t help but let out a guttural shriek. Happy Valentine’s day Marlene.