"I guess I'll just have to jump off the astronomy tower and just die," Regulus Black and his talent to be dramatic.
The boy collapses onto his bed with his hand clasped to his forehead like a fainting damsel in distress, right after an hour of complaining about a particular boy he hates, definitely hates.
"No, it won't work," Evan shakes his head in amusement, even laughs a little "there are walls and spells around that tower if you jump you will stop half way and you'll bounce back inside," he said. It's something noone expected.
How did he know that?
"Evan?" Regulus stands up alarmed, looks at his friend, worry flickering in his eyes. Evan hates it.
"How do you know this?" Barty asks hesitantly, as if he doesn't want to know the answer to that question, as if he's afraid to hear it "Are you okay, Rose?" he decides to ask.
All they get from Evan is silence and a serious face saying 'I fucked up', the boy doesn't look at them, he pulls his hair. Merlin, how stupid was he, how could he say that?
"Yes, I'm doing well actually," he smiles at them finally.
How bad that they can say he was lying.
Evan was the type of person to say 'I'm doing badly, I'm doing well; whichever you prefer'. He wouldn't impose his mood on anyone. If people wanted him to be cheerful, happy and smiling, which they usually wanted, he would tell them he was. Simple, right?
His best friends are the hardest to fool, they've known him too long not to notice small changes in his behavior, but Evan tries his best.
He tries to convince them that everything is fine, he doesn't want to worry them, they have bigger things to worry about than him and his stupid mood. And usually he succeed.
Because how dare Evan have a problem getting up in the morning when there are so many beautiful things in the world that he hasn't seen yet?
What right does he have to feel down when the sun is glad to see him every day, the earth is grateful to carry him, the moon hopes he slept well, the stars keep him company when he feels tired.
How dare he not want to live when there are so many people praying for another day?
What right does he have to complain?
He's got so much to look forward to, he's got so much to live for, why is he feeling depressed then?
He has his wonderful friends who would do anything for him, he has his loving parents. He already has more than most people he knows. He should be grateful for his life, and he is, he really is, but...
He doesn't know how to explain it, it's hard to put emotions into words, he doesn't feel tired, he feels heavy.
He doesn't want to but sometimes he feels that way anyway.
It didn't start this year, not when Regulus's and Barty's situation started to overwhelm him, nor did it start last year because of exam stress, O.W.L.S., no.
Evan has the impression that it started much earlier, maybe the day he was born, maybe something was wrong with him even then?
Evan doesn't know when, but his friends are by his side, sitting on his bed, hugging him tight, it's soothing, it's reassuring. They didn't point out his terrible lie for which he is grateful to them, he is grateful that he has them.
They know him, they understand him. They give him time to collect his thoughts and Evan is extremely grateful that this one time he is being held instead of holding others.
He is terribly grateful that for once he is understood instead of being so understanding.
"I am tired," he says, because he's ready now and he know he can "and it is so awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want is to feel alive," it's a faint whisper, you can miss it when you're not close enough.
"Oh Evan," Barty whispers squeezing him a bit more.
"I'm scared," Evan let out "I'm scared that if I let my guard down for even a second the world is gonna come crashing down, and I don't know if I could survive that".
"You can do it Evan," Barty assures "we'll help you, we'll be there, we won't let you crash," he promisses.
"And if not, we will help pick up all the rubble and stones, put them back and maybe even build something more beautiful," Regulus adds softly.
"You have the right to feel bad, you don't overdo anyone to feel good all the time, you're allowed to feel down," Barty smiles.
Do they have any idea how much these words mean to Evan?
Most of the Hogwarts staff know about Poppy's soft spot for Remus Lupin, about the snacks she let him have in bed and the friends she pretended not to hear in the night.
But there was another boy she wished she'd never had to meet. He was quiet.
He came to her for the first time at fifteen years old; in fact, it was she who came to him when the alarm in her office beeped, the astronomy tower incident.
She had found him on top of the Astronomy Tower. She had only seen his feet at first, dangling above the planetarium, he was ready to do it again, to try again. She never did forget the sight.
His pale tear-stained face, his questioning why it didn't work, he was already sure, he was determined, he wanted, so why it didn't work?
Poppy still doesn't know if keeping it a secret was the right thing to do. But he begged, he begged so hard once he finally woke up.
He told her that he doesn't want to break the hearts of those who care about him.
It was to much for fifteen years old boy.
So instead of telling anyone, she made him swear to come to her next time he felt like heading up the astronomy tower with a loose tie in each hand.
And he did.
He came to see her five times from their first meeting.
He came to see her five times, and each of them, she stayed up all night talking to him; she gave him sweets and she let him cry and she told him the world would be a much darker place when he left.
"I just know that the whole world would be far less bright. Belive me, the world is a much better place with Evan Rosier in it, and anyone who think otherwise is insane."
Even though Evan Rosier was always surrounded by friends and laughter and irreverence, he came to see her five times with death in his eyes and the need for someone to tell him he'd be missed.
Because Evan was dying to hear someone say that he doesn't need to try so hard to be perfect, that he was enough and it was okay.
He wanted to hear it but couldn't tell his friends. How could he? Barty was turning his sadness into anger again and Regulus was shutting himself up after the holidays in his horrible house.
How could Evan be their next problem? He wanted to help them, not add to their worries.
And his parents?
Evan couldn't count how many times he wanted to tell his mother that something was wrong with him, that he felt bad, that he really needed help, but instead they always ended up talking about the weather.
How could Evan break her heart?
Once Evan was done, he heard a whispers. It's soft and quiet.
"I'm glad you're alive Evan, I'd miss you... so please. Keep on living," these are big words from Regulus, these are big words from someone who grew up in a home without love or the ability to show affection.
Evan is grateful.
"Hi Evan?" It's James Potter. You don't expect James Potter to notice you, he's the star of this school, he's known and liked and he's better than everyone else.
You don't expect him to know your name, let alone talk to you.
"Hm?" Evan looks up as if unsurprised.
"I also have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop," that's a little smile, it's a small and silent confession. It doesn't seem to fit in with the always loud and obnoxious James Potter.
"Why are you telling me this?" Evan asks, frowning. If Potter thinks he can play with him and make fun of him, if he thinks his problems are funny —
"I guess it takes a thief to catch a thief," James Potters smiles, but it's not his signature smile, it's softer "so if you need someone to talk to I think I would understand, I'm a good listener," he waved goodbye to him.
Evan stays where he is, stunned.
"What did Potter want from you?" Barty joins him.
"He was," Evan frowns "he was nice," he decided. Maybe all the times he cursed Potter had been unnecessary. Maybe every time he'd told Regulus not to get close to him had been incorrect.
James Potter was, in fact, a good man.
Evan discovered this by meeting him a couple of times.
"You may wonder what the meaning of life is. You may wonder what the point is. You may wonder what your purpose is, and then," James smiles, he lies comfortably on the bed, with his arms under his head.
"Then?" Evan hurries, curious about the answer. He's sitting on the floor on the soft carpet, looking up at James whose head is now hanging off the edge of the bed.
"Your best friend,"James sighs "your favorite person in the world, will lay their head on your shoulder, and you will think, 'this,'and you will hear a terrible joke from someone you love and that joke will make you laugh so hard that your stomach will hurt and you won't be able to take a breath and you will think "that"," he purses his lips "and your mom will call you her baby, her dearest child, and even though you're so big now, you will think, "this," and there will be a room full of people who now love you, inexplicably, and the sunset will be so remarkably beautiful, and your cat will walk lazily along your sprawled out legs, and you will think, 'this and this and that.'" He explain.
"You think so?" Evan wonders.
"I think that these little things are the most important, they are worth enjoying, they are worth living for," James decides "because one day you will be walking hand in hand with someone and they will ask 'hey, isn't this your favorite song?' when it comes off the record player and you smile and your heart swells and you feel terribly warm and you nod your head and say "yes, that's my favorite song" and you feel good because someone knows this little detail of your life and remembers you and I think... I think that these little moments with others are worth living, worth creating new memories, you know?"
"I guess," Evan nods. "You know," he starts slowly. "I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely. And I think that's a problem, having so many big emotions. Because where are you supposed to put them, where are you supposed to hide them?"
"I think that big emotions are beautiful," James smiled slightly, "it's like a gift, you have the right to experience something so much, so deeply, you can be happy to the bone, feel the happiness in your veins and I try to look at the good side, because of course it's not nice to feel deep sadness and think that you have no right to feel it at all."
"I didn't think you were so smart Potter." Evan huffs.
"It's not me, it's Remus," James smiled to himself, "he told me once "Keep a little fire burning. However small. However hidden. I don't know if he read it somewhere or just made it up, but it helped me."
"You're lucky," Evan bite his lip.
"I think you're lucky too," James grins.
They made really good friends, you know?
Maybe it's a coincidence or maybe no one understands the sun like the sunshine did.