Sectumsempra

"Minerva, your boys need you," Slughorn informs, entering her office with a flourish opening the door.

"What did they do again?" Minerva sighs, rubbing her forehead and looking up from the papers on her desk.

Her boys. She smiles under her breath at this term, ah those marauders.

"No," denies the other professor "they need you," he repeats more seriously, with a note of concern in his voice.

"They need me?" she frowns "oh, they need–" she gasps "lead Horacy, lead, where are they?" she asks stressed, practically running to the indicated place when she finds out that they are in the hospital wing and that it does not look like they are okay.

Poppy looks at her gratefully when she appears in the infirmary.

And Minerva finds a terrible picture before her. Cruel. It should be banned, it should never happen.

This shouldn't be happening. They were still children. Kids. They shouldn't suffer like this. Not that way. They deserved no evil, no pain, no cruelty. They just turned 16, they're still kids.

They didn't deserve whatever happened.

Minerva had never known her boys in such disarray. She'd seen Remus after the worst of the full moon, she'd seen James crying in her office saying he wasn't enough for which he was apologizing, she'd seen Sirius just recovering from the Cruciatus Curse.

She'd seen them at their worst, and somehow, this was worse.

What she saw now simply broke her heart.

Sirius had never been so sad, so broken. He hadn't been so depressed when he needed to return to his abusive home.

She had never seen his eyes so red, even when he, by accident, cursed James. Sirius had tears all over his face, and she wanted to fight the world because why Merlin could let that happen?

How could someone, something hurt that poor boy?

Sirius was shaking, his hair a mess, his face pale, his eyes so damn sad. He had his hand on Remus's chest, which was barely rising "he's breathing, he's breathing, please tell me he's breathing, he's okay, he's okay, please tell me he's okay," a panicked, tearful, terrified whisper left Sirius lips.

He was terrified, filled with fear and worry. When he saw Minerva out of the corner of his eye, he jumped up and ran to her. A loud sob escaped his lips as he finally snuggled into her tightly, his hands clenching the fabric of her robes. he was shivering, and she was slowly stroking his back, hoping it would help.

Sirius' sadness was unbearable.

"Sirius," she whispers, but she has nothing to say. Nothing that will fix what's been broken into a million little pieces. All she wants to do now is hold Sirius together, give him all he wants.

"It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault," he repeated weakly, and Minerva was sure that it was not his fault in any way.

Sirius just blamed himself for what had happened. Normally James would be in her place. James who would comfort Sirius (always did), hug him, and wrap him with warm words.

But not now, because James Potter was equally shaky and terrified. He was curled up trembling, swaying in place, pressing his hands over his ears and not even wiping the tears from his face. He just sat in the corner of the room, breathing raggedly.

James Potter, who always smiled, who was the greatest optimist the world had ever seen. James Potter, who now was broken and devastated.

What can you do? What can you do when the sun is ripping itself apart, what can you do?

It's just light fracturing and spilling over in jagged rivulets of gold. How is anyone meant to do anything but try with all the power in them to gather all that gold in thier palms and try with all thier might to keep it all together?

How are you going to stop the disaster?

How to save the sun?

James wasn't looking at her, wasn't looking anywhere but at Remus' calm face, too calm, unconscious.

Remus was indeed unconscious. He was lying flat on a hospital bed. He was sickly pale, and there were traces of blood on the white sheets, oddly enough, he didn't seem to have any wounds, had Poppy already taken care of that?

Remus Lupin had his eyes closed, it was terrifying, he looked like someone dead, completely lifeless, but it was a mistake from which only a slightly and struggling chest was recovering.

Somehow, he had grown terribly small and fragile. Much different than she had seen him this morning.

He didn't even look like this after a full moon, what must have happened?

Minerva looked around the room, looking for Poppy and any answers, but Poppy was running back and forth, leafing through books.

She was terrified, as if she didn't know what to do, as if she didn't know how to help them all.

Maybe that was it, maybe she really didn't know. Maybe she was helpless.

"Sirius!?" James broke out of his trance and looked around the room with a terrified look, he couldn't lose another friend, not after what happened, he wouldn't survive this, not today, not now, not never.

"Here," Sirius' muffled voice is filled with pain, it's choked with tears and full of guilt. "I'm safe," he promised.

Sirius's hands still clenched on Minerva's robes, his eyes still glazed over, he wouldn't let go and she simply let him. Her robes clung uncomfortably to her body, but she stood still, whispering reassuringly to Sirius, rocking him, and casting worried glances at James again and again.

"James, my dear, drink this please," Poppy comes over to him with a small cup of potion. James puts the mug to his lips without a word. He takes the first sip of the potion. When the warm liquid meets his tongue, he gags, spitting out the entire contents of his mouth. "Very well, my dear, good job, try again," she asks, but James objects. "I know it's hard, but it's necessary, I'm sorry, my dear," she smiles sympathetically, James tries again but still fails miserably. He looks at the nurse apologetically. "It's okay, try again, just take one sip and throw up. You'll be fine again, I promise."

"What's that?" Minerva asks, frowning.

"James has been in contact with Remus' blood in large amounts," Poppy looks at her uncertainly "his hands were covered in blood if he touches his face with them and blood gets into his mouth or eyes... just in case I filter and purify his blood so that there won't be an infection."

"I understand," Minerva looks sadly at the boy who, with tears in his eyes, forces himself to drink a potion that will literally burn his veins.

Minerva held James's hand, squeezing it comfortingly and rubbing the top of it. She was sitting next to him, with Sirius nestled against her side. They watched Remus together, in silence, as no words could escape the tiny, crumbling people.

The world doesn't exist, it's just her and the boys who rule her heart.

It's just them and the focus on calming them down, no matter what happened.
What is important that each of them is in a catastrophic state. Minerva tries to help, she hugs Sirius, squeezes James' hand, watches Remus closely, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

She would burn the world to the ground if only her boys would smile again.

But suddenly, they are no longer alone and Minerva needs to wipe her tears and be strong. Remus Lupin's parents enter the hospital.

"Hello," they greet each other politely, nodding their heads.

Sirius suddenly stands straight, his face dry, his hair immaculate, not even his voice shaking anymore. He seems to be perfectly fine (so what if after three seconds he burst into tears again), he presents himself from the best side. Sirius sees his best friend's parents for the first time. Why was he so stressed? Sirius looks into Moony' mother's eyes and bites his lip.

"You have beautiful eyes, Mrs. Lupin," Sirius can't help staring at her. There is not a pinch of arrogance or flirtation in his voice as in other cases when giving compliments, his voice is thin and sad, because those eyes remind him of Remus "just like Moony."

"Just like Moony, you say?" Mr. Lyall raises an eyebrow. Did Sirius fail? No. Remus's parents must have heard that nickname, right? Right? "You must be Sirius," He smiles friendly. Lyall in a second understood why his son fell into this boy.

Sirius was a mess, he was so terribly worried about Remus, watched over him and waited for him to wake up.

He was so lovely.

Hope walks over to her son's bed and touches his cheek gently. A sad smile falls on her lips, tears roll in her eyes, she squeezes his hand.

Minerva looked at the boys one last time, she had to go, they had to stay.

"Jamie," and suddenly there is Mrs. Potter's voice, which reaches their ears. The woman runs over and hugs her trembling son. "It's all right, love. I'm so sorry," behind her is Fleamont, who looks around the room and greets Mr. and Mrs. Lupin politely "Hi Lyall, Hi Hope," Effie greets them too.

And so Minerva disappeared into the headmaster's office with some relief that the boys weren't left alone.

That's how Hope and Lyall stood by their son's bedside with worried expressions on their faces because their son almost died, because they could have lost him.

That's how Mr and Mrs Potter hugged James, rocking him with a reassuring gesture, hugging him tight because James surely survived something terrible and traumatic.

That's how Sirius was left alone in the middle of the room. Because who did he have? He had no one.

He had no loving parents, no support, nothing at the moment. He had no one to pick up his broken pieces and put them together. He had no one, so he was very surprised by what happened after...

"Come here," Hope Lupin asks quietly, stretches out her hand towards him, she sends him a warm smile. She encloses him in a warm embrace, similar to the ones Remus gives him. Sirius almost cried again, but how could Hope leave the boy her son loved unattended?

"He'll pull through it," is comfort from Lyall's mouth "he's incredibly strong, he'll be fine Sirius, the nurse says he'll be as good as new in three days."

But soon they have to go to the headmaster, settle things and explain the whole situation.

And that was when Euphemia reached for her other boy.

"You are terribly strong  Sirius, don't be afraid darling, everything will be fine, everything will be alright. Remus will wake up soon." Effie promises in a whisper. She strokes Sirius' hair, kisses the top of his head. She must be using some kind of magic because Sirius relaxes, calms down imminently.

They had only just gotten over James and his attack, and Mrs. Potter had already come to him, she was so lovely. Fleamont stayed with his son, hugging him tight, cradling and rocking him.

He gave Sirius a slight smile.

But they were together, and that was comforting.

"James?" Sirius asks, sniffles before smiling faintly at him. "Thank you," and he hugs his best friend.

No one wonders at the moment why Sirius said that, no one knows that when just over an hour ago when Sirius was a real wreck, James kept his cool even though his whole face was flooded with tears. It was James giving orders, it was James trying to save Remus.

Hope and Lyall returned to the infirmary once again, refusing to transfer their son to Mungo's, Remus was safe here and had all his loved ones with him. Now that they know the situation, it seems horribly unfair and brutal to them.

"Oh," follows a short cry and arms around Sirius, when a voice reaches him, he realizes it's Mrs. Lupin and Sirius understands nothing, nothing at all. As James gets closer, she pulls him into a hug as well. Effie and Monty went out to talk to Minnie, they didn't want to leave their son alone, but they had no choice "thank you so much, thank you boys," her voice is trembling.

Neither Sirius nor James understand what she means, they just nod.

She was still hugging them, while Remus's dad was standing over the bed watching his son face with consternation.

"You have no idea how grateful I am to the world for giving my son such wonderful friends," Lyall resounds softly in an quiet room so it is heard impeccably. "You are good for him," he smiled "Remus is a lucky man," he informs, Hope chuckled through tears at these words.

"Surely, he is," she places a short kiss on top of each boy's head before returning to her son. Her poor boy.

○○○

"Fuck off Barty!" Regulus shouted, breaking free from his grip. "I'm not exaggerating at all, I have every right to be stressed right now!" He announces "Sirius is nowhere to be found since yesterday I didn't see either him or James or Remus, so of course something happened! And yes I'm going to check in the fucking infirmary if they're alive!"  Regulus was shaking "well because yeah I thought about checking their dormitory but they're not there! Peter, Mary and Lilly also seem unreachable. Something had happened, do you understand? I dont't imagine it. I'm worried and I have a damn right to scream right now!"

"I just told you to take a breath, Reg, calm down,: Barty stares at him stubbornly.

"I don't want to breathe now I want to–" he stopped "fuck Minerva has been running around the castle since yesterday, and Snape is not there, right? It's bad," he decided.

"Regulus calm down," Barty begs, but someone is talking about Lupin, whose blood still hasn't been washed from one of the corridors.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

And Regulus was running faster than he could have thought.

Fuck, Sirius will be destroyed.

Regulus needs to help.

He need to help him.

He need to calm him.

He can.

He will.

Sirius will be so fucking broken.

But Reg will-

Fuck, and what about James?

Oh, Merlin what about James?

James, James, James

So he run.

"I'm sorry honey, unless it's a serious injury or accident, I can't let you in," Madame Pomfrey says.

"Let me in," Regulus insists and won't move away, stubbornness is his strong character traits "let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in," he repeats like a broken record.

"Honey, I really don't think you can–"

"Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in," he won't stop.

And she gives in, she sighed opening the door just a little wider.

Regulus scans the room with his eyes, there are far too many people here. Not only boys, but also... James' parents? Remus' parents? Oh, Regulus begged his parents not to be here.

They weren't there, that's okay.

Sirius stood aside.

He isn't okay.

Really he isn't.

Something in his expression broke Regulus' heart.

Regulus crossed the space between them and Sirius reached out blindly.
Their chests collided hard enough that it knocked the air out of him. Regulus cupped the back of Sirius' neck and pressed him firmly into the space between his shoulder and neck, and Sirius wrapped his arms around his brother so tight he wondered if it hurt.

Sirius felt that the moment he fell into his brother's arms, he also fell into a deep abyss. As if he had fallen into a deep hole and was finally able to let his feelings out.

The amount of air in the room felt like it was drastically depleting but then Sirius seemed to understand, no, it wasn't the air. It was his lungs.

They weren't working.

"Alright," Regulus murmured, no one seemed to pay them any attention, too busy reassuring each other. "It's okay. Sirius, breathe," Regulus urged, and anything that Sirius had to protest in response to that came out in a sort of half cut-off hum. Regulus put his hands on either side of Sirius' face, and his fingers were freezing. It made Sirius suck in a breath. "Good. Slower."

"Reggie I-"

"Breathe," Regulus demands of him as if he didn't realize how difficult it is to perform this trivial task.

Sirius was seeing stars. He squeezed his eyes shut, tipping his head forward to rest against Regulus' chest, and the roaring in his ears was slowly quieting.

He could feel Regulus' heart hammering as well. Regulus was terrified, he didn't understand what was happening. All he knew was that Sirius needed him.

And when Sirius needed help, it was bad. The anxiety in Regulus grew and grew, it was not going to stop squeezing his heart.

"Is it always so bloody hard?" Sirius asks, still struggling for breath.

"Most of the times, yes," Regulus nods.

"I'm sorry for you," he murmurs weakly, hand on his chest, still trying.

"Breathe for now, all right? I'm here, right next to you, okay?"

Maybe it turns out that Sirius also had someone who could help him.

When later with the mufliato spell behind the drawn curtains they sit on the bed and panicked gibberish leaves Sirius' mouth...

Regulus is here and listening.

"And then- and he- I'm so- I felt- it's my fault- I should- it's my fucking fault- he wasn't supposed to- and he wasn't- and there was blood- and he wasn't breathing- and I was panicking- and I couldn't help- and James-"

Each of his sentences was cut off in the middle, not finished, each was filled with pain and panic, each accompanied by weeping, sniffling and sobbing.

Sirius was trembling, Regulus was here, right next to him, able to help him in any way, he was trying. He really was.

Regulus did not understand much, he did not understand anything from this gibberish interrupted by sobs, but he listened, but he supported and helped, but he assured him that it will be fine, but he kept repeating that it was not his fault, he repeated that it was okay, he kept saying there was no way anyone would hate him for it, that no one would blame him. Reg hoped he spoke good words, that he used good sentences.

"Regulus, it's going to be curfew soon, I have to ask you to come back to your dorm, you have classes tomorrow," Pomfery interrupts their moment.

"I-" Regulus is too keen to deny it, he won't leave Sirius.

"It's okay, you can go, I'll be fine," Sirius assures him quietly. Regulus nodded.

○○○

Sirius and James decide to give everyone some privacy but Madam Pomfery won't let them out of the hospital wing, so they share one of the beds and cuddle up to each other for support but neither of them is strong enough at the moment to fulfill this role.

Each of them is a little too little, but maybe together they're enough.

"It wasn't your fault," James finally found the courage to say the words.

"Neither was yours," Sirius whispers back, because James needs it too.

Tears are tiring, suffering too, that's why the boys fell asleep exhausted. Sirius fought until the last moment because he wanted to be awake, he wanted to be here when Moony woke up.

○○○

"What the fuck," Remus blinks in confusion, his dad snorts in amusement. Of course, the first thing he decided to say when he woke up was a curse.

"Oh, Remus," his mum sniffs, moving closer to hug him, Remus sits up and holds out his arms in front of him for a hug. What kind of sick dream is this?

Hope Lupin didn't like magic, what had to happen for her to decide to cross the walls of Hogwarts? Magic school.

(maybe she was informed that her son had almost died, that he had stopped breathing, that he was in critical condition, maybe)

His dad was standing there too, tired, with his brows furrowed and a relief on his face, as if grateful that Remus had finally decided to open his eyes.

What were they doing here?
Why was he in a hospital bed?
Why was he here?
What happened?

Oh.

"Where's Sirius?" Remus's panicked gaze scans the room.

"Don't worry," mom squeezes his hand. Remus still doesn't understand how she got here. "The boys are sleeping, you'll have to forgive them," She smiled slightly "they are so lovely," she informed touched.

"It's five in the morning, go back to sleep," Dad scans him with concern.

"Five?" Remus blinks how long was he unconscious?

A moment of silence and suddenly an unexpected murmur in the bed next to him, his parents frowned while Remus pursed his lips in amusement.

"Shit sorry," James' muffled voice.

James probably woke Sirius by accident.

"Prongs, you bloody chuffer," a long and displeased groan from Sirius, who must be rubbing his eyes now, blinking those long, beautiful lashes.

"Bugger off," Remus was sure James just rolled his eyes.

"It's still night!" indignation screams in Sirius's voice.

"Yeah? So go back to sleep," James snorts "I'm going to ask Pomfery if I can go out for an hour," he informs. Ah, James and his morning routine. He pulls back the curtains, rubs his eyes from the light change. "Or don't go back to sleep," he changed his mind.

"Because?" Sirius throws a pillow at him.

"Because someone wants to say hello," and now it was Remus's voice that snapped Sirius out of bed in less than a second. The boy stood straight on his feet right next to his friend's bed and stared at him, looking for any wounds.

Sirius looked at him as the most precious treasure, as the most fragile, valuable and beautiful thing in the universe, as if nothing else in the world mattered.

In Sirius' eyes, Remus was fragile at the moment, and Remus was afraid of what this would bring.

First of all, the fear of hurting him - that's the main reason why Sirius didn't touch him, why didn't he hug him, why didn't he jump on his bed like James.

He was standing to the side.

"Sirius?" Remus's voice is hesitant and brittle, but that's not the reason why it reaches Sirius through the fog.

Sirius blinks absently, he is in another world, in another place.

When James, already calm because Remus was here, because Remus was talking to him, Remus was safe. James was smiling slightly and chatting with Remus' parents, apologizing for being a bit absent earlier, Sirius pulled away.

"What about Lilly? James, where is she?" Remus suddenly remembered a rather important aspect.

"She... she's with Mary and Peter, she's safe, that's for sure, she will be okay," James promises it's a monstrous lie but doesn't burn his lips because Remus seems to believe it and is calmer.

"What about..." Remus started, but doesn't get to finish.

"I don't know, Minerva will probably tell us the rest when she thinks we're stable," James interrupted "let's not think about that right now," he pleaded.

Hours pass, talks go on.

Sirius had never been so quiet and withdrawn.

Minerva came, Minerva left.

Madam Pomfery gave them medicine, interviewed them, and then left them alone and told them to rest.

Both of them, Minerwa and Poppy, excused their absence until the end of the week.

"You don't have work today?" Sometime in the afternoon, Remus decides to ask.

His dad shook his head.

"I do, but as long as you need us, we'll stay - slight smile.

○○○

It is only the next day that Minerva decides to take them to talk, intends to ask them what happened.

Each of them came separately. Not together. Everyone told what they saw, what they felt, what happened then. Each version of it is different, none are the same. However, the full picture of Wednesday's accident emerges.

Minerva has learned every side of the accident and reaches the truth.

Her heart was broken four times each time her children told the same story.

It was James crying because he couldn't help, because he couldn't do anything.

It was Sirius who was apologizing for not being able to pull himself together and who kept saying it was his fault.

It was Remus who was saying as if it wasn't important "after all, I'm on the brink of death every month" he shrugged.

It was Lilly crying for her friends, feeling sorry for Remus and feeling sorry for the rest, it was Lilly who was too jittery to speak in complete sentences, and Miss Evans had never had a problem with that.

Remus, Sirius, James, Lilly (even if she appeared in the final phase of the event and did not see how it happened, she played a big role in it).

Each of them came and told stories and their versions were compared with what they already knew. The first version they heard was that of Severus Snape and it was full of flaws.

Now they had the whole thing and could work with it in any way.

○○○

It was Wednesday afternoon.

The thing is...

It was normal at first.

It was completely fine.

Nothing special.

Just another boring afternoon.

And suddenly it wasn't.

It wasn't anything unusual, just normal day, nothing foreshadowed the storm that was about to come, maybe that's why it hit them so hard?

The lessons are over. James and Sirius had just dragged Remus out of the library and made them walk the halls of Hogwarts together. Even though the Marauder's map was already finished, they still enjoyed walking around the castle and discovering its secrets.

It was one of the abandoned corridors, one that no one used, it was dark, smoky and unpleasant (just like the situation that came up).

They walked down the corridor laughing loudly, they always laughed out loud.

Remus was rolling his eyes as if annoyed with his friends, but he really wasn't.

They heard a murmur from around the corner, looked at each other curiously, stared at that place waiting for an answer who it was.

"Today without your puppets?" Sirius smirks meanly. First mistake.

"Shut up Black," was Severus respond.

But Sirius pushed on, he pushed harder. James grabbed his wrist, Remus glared at him, but it wasn't they who were listening to Lilly's heartbreaking sobs last night. Sirius was and Sirius was furious.

No one had the right to hurt Sirius' friends, especially Lilly.

"Have they finally realized that you're not worth being friends with?" and it was too much, because hitting about Lilly always caused problems.

Sirius loved causing trouble, loved getting on Snape' nerves, loved watching him explode.

"Oh, so you want to fight? If you wish, come on, let's fight," and he was already taking out his wand.

Sirius snorted.

"Sure, why not," he says indulgently, he will win.

"But your toys stand aside," Sirius clenches his jaw but nods.

"One-on-one as you wish," and it was fair and they could do it (except for the fact that there was no adult to oversee the duel).

And at first it was harmless, a few weak curses, a laugh at the ease of deflecting the other's spells, a few curses, a few defensive spells, and maybe two bruises at most, on each of them.

But it quickly turned into a hurricane.

Because Snape was annoyed if he didn't move forward, it was annoying how they still stood in place and the victory path didn't lean in his favor.

He was annoyed because Sirius was toying with him, rolling his eyes, laughing and all, as if he wasn't a worthy opponent, as if Sirius didn't take him seriously. Sirius was making biting remarks during the duel, teasing him in that arrogant way of his.

So when with another "I'm sure next time you won't miss, look I'll stand still," Sirius tipped the scales and Snape finally exploded.

Sirius fell to the floor in surprise as a strong spell hit him. A very strong spell.

Snape's hand was up, holding his wand confidently, "Is that all you can afford?" and that damn laugh, Sirius was laughing even though he was in a losing position, Snape had had enough, he wouldn't let him win, he would prove that he was right. He wanted to hit Sirius. He wanted to hurt him, in a cruel way, so that he would finally be quiet.

Snape was ready to say the last spell to end it, he wanted to prove he was good too, he was going to cast the spell not fully realizing what it was doing, how it was hurting opponent. He just wanted to hurt Sirius.

"Sectumsempra," before the white light could hit Sirius, who was wiping blood from his mouth unaware of the threat, Remus stood in front of him, shielding him from the spell.

He couldn't deflect it, but he could stop it before it hurt Sirius.

Sirius was already weakened, maybe he was laughing now, but Remus knew that one more powerful curse and he would pass out. He couldn't let that happen.

Severus' eyes widened, 'it wasn't supposed to be Lupin for the hell!', although maybe it was better?

How to get to Sirius, how to hurt him it more than through Remus Lupin? Was anyone unaware of the pathetic infatuation they shared? Hurting Remus was probably more painful for Sirius than it would have been if he had been in his place.

So Snape just left. He left right after enjoying the terror of his opponents for half a minute.

Because Remus stood still after the spell hit, his whole body tensed. Warm blood slowly trickled from his mouth, before he could wipe it away, he fell to the ground. He fell flat on his back on the cold corridor tiles, making a noise.

Sirius immediately ran over to him, as did James. They knelt beside him, asking what happened, what was wrong. "What did you do to him!?" they shouted after the retreating Snape.

But he didn't turn back.

And the boys crouched by Remus' body, wondering how they could help him. Sirius was touching his face reassuringly, assuring them that they would think of something soon, promising they will help, when James practically squealed a panicked "blood!".

He was right, blood. Suddenly there was plenty of it. Suddenly there was nothing in this corridor but bloodstains on the floor and three terrified boys. Remus' whole body was bleeding, but how had he been wounded? They looked like sword wounds, but it wasn't possible.

So they panicked.

Sirius begged Remus not to close his eyes, not to lose consciousness, desperately begging him to stay with them. He was a real mess, he cried, he cried loud.

"James, James, James, do something, please, do something, stop this, James please," Sirius beged desperately, and suddenly it was James's job to save Remus, it was his job to stop the bleeding, he needed to be brave.

If he doesn't, if Remus loses a lot of blood, he may die. Remus could die, James wasn't ready for that, he wasn't ready to save someone's life, he wasn't ready to be entrusted with such an important task. He was trembling all over, casting healing spells with trembling hands, but they didn't seem to help.

Sirius was squeezing Remus's hand, touching his face and letting out panicked gibberish, he was a real disaster.

James tried to seal the wounds with more dressings, none of the spells worked, not even the strongest ones. James had no idea what to do.

He was a kid, he was a kid, and he had someone's life in his hands, not someone, his best friend's.

What was Remus doing? Remus didn't help at all, he lay with his eyes half closed, barely conscious from the amount of blood he had already lost, Sirius had the feeling that half of what should be inside had already leaked out.

"Help," Sirius let out, at first quiet and broken. "Help!" louder but still crooked. "HELP!" It's full of panic and begging "PLESE SOMEONE HELP" Sirius needed someone now "Someone please," he whispered.

But most of the students were in their dormitories, hardly anyone was scrolling through the halls.

He was too scared to move. He couldn't leave Remus alone not when he was fighting for his life. He must have sent someone for the madame Pomfrey, she'll help them right?

And suddenly, to the boys' relief, someone appears, red hair flashing in their eyes. Panicked gaze of Lilly went to the floor. "Snape's fault?" She asks even though she already knows, she feels his magic here.

"Lilly go get the Madame Pomfrey," James pleads, still struggling with the bandages to stop the bleeding.

"It won't help, if it's his magic, it's invented, Pomfery has no cure for that, if anyone has it, it's him," and Lilly ran Merlin knows where, probably to find her (ex) friend and force him to cure the struggling Remus.

Sharp panick.

Because Remus closes his eyes.

"Wake up," Sirius rubs his cheek, wiping his tears away with his sleeve.

"It's okay," Remus' faint voice reaches them.

"Relax Moony, we'll help you, don't worry, everything will be fine," James mumbles, trying healing spells again.

"Hey, it's okay, everything is okay, don't worry," Remus speaks weakly and unconsciously, as if on the edge. It was too much effort to speak now, and he was tired. So tired. He just needed to close his eyes and rest. Just for a minute. His tongue was heavy and the metallic taste of iron was overwhelming. "I love you guys, that's all," Remus considered it as agood last word, the best he could choose in his state of pain.

After that he doesn't open his eyes anymore, Sirius tugs at him, James is casting spells more and more panicked, blood is still spilling out, blood is everywhere.

It's not good.

But suddenly it's even worse.

"He's not breathing. James he's not breathing. James he's not breathing!" you could hear Sirius panicking before, Sirius panicking before going home. A Sirius who was panicking because he had argued with Regulus again, a Sirius who was panicking because he had hurt someone, a Sirius who couldn't help when someone close to him needed it, but it was a different kind of panic.

It was worse, it was helplessness.

"Fucking hell," James sees practically nothing through his tears. He gets up, orders Sirius to apply pressure to the biggest wound so far (because new ones keep appearing) and starts heart massage. He doesn't know if he's doing it right, he doesn't know if he's going to break Remus' ribs, he doesn't even know if he should do it, he doesn't know anything.

James is terrified.

He only hopes he won't make the situation worse, that he won't increase the hemorrhage by compressing the heart. He hope he does it well.

The thing is...

When you're sixteen, you have your whole life ahead of you, you don't think about death, it doesn't concern you. When you're sixteen, you don't want to see your friend die and you're helpless. When you're sixteen, you don't want to fight for someone's life, you don't want to be forced to save someone's life.

But James was. He was pressing Remus's chest but he was still not breathing.

Sirius was crying.

Lilly returns, her hands trembling, she hands James the vial, who pours the drops into Remus' mouth before returning to the heart massage.

After Lilly, Madame Pomfery came, she managed to catch her on the run. Poppy runs over to the panicked boys, luckily the wounds are beginning to close, slowly stopping to bleed.

"What happened dear children?" she asks, terrified. She checks Remus's pulse, barely noticeable. Huge bloodstains don't indicate anything good.

James keeps pressing his chest, Sirius keeps saying "he's not breathing".

Remus is not breathing. Not breathing.

Life is running out of his moon and he is powerless against it and he can't stop it.

Sirius was useless.

"James let go," Poppy pushes him away. James protests, Remus is not breathing. he has to help him, he has to fix it "honey, don't worry, we're already taking care of him," now Remus' heart was beating only thanks to the spell.

How tragic it was for Poppy to see her dearest boy in such a state...

James was shaking all over, his hands covered in blood, his hands covered in Remus' blood, and he wiped his sweaty, watery face with them.

They're in the infirmary. They are jittery.

James faints.

Sirius rocks back, head down in his knees, hands clasped around his ankles.

It wasn't supposed to happened.

Lilly Evans yelling at Severus on the way to the dungeon. This is exactly the picture Slughorn finds. He follows the girl, soon Madame Pomfery too. After what he saw he immediately runs to Minerva' office.

"Minerva your boys need you."

○○○

So the thing is... when your best friend, when someone you love, practically dies and it's your fault, the thing is, you start to get scared. You want to protect this person from all the evil of this world, you don't want to let anything that could hurt them. Sirius did so.

He was jumping around Remus, panicking every now and then and never leaving him alone for a moment.

In addition, if you think it's your fault... you're terrified that you'll do it again, that you'll hurt your loved one again. Sirius was afraid. He didn't want to be near Moony, because what if something happened to Remus again because of him? What if something terrible happens again?

Sirius couldn't bear the thought of Remus' pain, couldn't bear the thought of anyone daring to hurt that moon boy. Worst of all, Sirius had the audacity to hurt him. Why does he always hurt those he loves? Why he destroyed everything and everyone he touched? He was a walking tragedy and engulfed others in his vortex.

He was a terrible son, brother, friend.

He had destroyed James every time he made him cry, he had destroyed Regulus countless times, from early childhood onwards, and now? Now even Moony. Plus... Lilly, Sirius had broken her heart and hadn't even dared look into her eyes when he was apologizing for it.

He felt as if they were all his victims, as if he, as destruction, was destroying them all piece by piece.

You see... Remus knew perfectly well that this would be the case. He knew that Sirius would distance himself, that he would blame himself, but the thing is... even if you know what's going to happen, it still hurts.

Because it hurts to see someone you love, someone starving to touch, not reaching for it.

Sirius has it in front of him and does not catch it. Sirius didn't hug any of his friends anymore, didn't show up in any of their beds, didn't sit closer than a foot and a half, didn't walk side by side.

And when... when Remus put his hand on his shoulder, Sirius jumped in horror when he tried to touch him, Sirius rejected his hand and apologized when Remus tried to hug him, he flinched.

Every damn time.

Sirius was turning himself into the shield that meets the spear, because the universe was a very big, very undefined, very uncontrollable thing to blame, but just him- just one person? That was a very easy thing to draw a target on.

The boys tried to talk to him, tried to fix the situation, to convince him that he was living in a mistake.

"They all hate me, don't they?" Quiet whispers from Sirius' mouth.

"No!" was Peter's vehement denial. Sirius felt safer talking to him because... because he wasn't there. Maybe he still saw something good in him. Maybe in his eyes, Sirius wasn't that much of a terrible friend. Sirius trust him. "Absolutely no, no one is mad at you Sirius," he provides comforting "no one is blaming you," he assures him quietly.

Peter was good at this, at silent comfort. Sirius was grateful.

"Lilly‐" he starts.

"Lilly is broken," Peter argues "she's so sad, but do you know why? Because her ex-friend turned out to be a fucking dick, she's angry because she trusted him and he had the audacity to hurt you, because he hurt Remus." And Sirius smirked, because Peter swearing was always a funny and unusual sight.

"James, don't try to say no. Lately he's not in the room at all, he's been avoiding me."

Sirius was talking to Peter, he wanted to, he was continuing this topic himself, he didn't even know why.

Maybe Sirius got bored of his sadness. Merlin knows, James is sick of it too.

Because after all... how much can person do, right? To be honest, a part of Sirius, a very cruel one, had always waited for James to get tired of him, to reject him. He waited for James to stand in front of him and announce that he had had enough, that he couldn't do this anymore. Wait until James one day realizes that Sirius is not good friend for him. Because Sirius didn't deserve James and his kindness, and if there was a moment where James had had enough of Sirius and his sadness, how broken and messed and fucked up he was, okay.

James had every right to do so.

Sirius understood.

He understood, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"Yes that's true," Peter chose his words slowly, not knowing if or what he might say "but he's not avoiding you for the reason you're thinking. You know... it was terrible for him and he's afraid he'll inadvertently hurt you in some way, he can't help you until he helps himself, he needs time."

James recently spent incredibly long hours with Regulus in the astronomy tower.

"Okay, what about Monny?"

"He gives you time, you try to push him away, he wants you close, Sirius. I know you're scared, I know you blame yourself, and I know you feel bad, but they all feel that way. They love you and you love them. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes we have no control over what happens. I'll tell you the same thing I told James, okay? You can't save everyone. But you know what you can? You can support them and just be with them. They need you and you need them."

Sirius presses his lips together, fighting back tears before a soft and weak "okay, I'll try" falls out of his mouth.

I will try. Sirius said and maybe that was enough.

○○○

"It's okay James," Regulus assures him for the thousandth time, "you did nothing wrong. You're good, you did everything you could, you helped him in the best way you could, you did well."

"There was blood, a lot of blood, and I-I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was helpless, everything I did was for nothing. I tried but it didn't help, it wasn't enough. He was still, still unconscious, still bleeding, still not breathing and Sirius... I couldn't even help him, I couldn't calm him down, I couldn't do anything, I–"

"James," soft and delicate. One word but so much tenderness in it. "I know," Regulus whispered softly.

He really understood him.
He could put himself in his place, it was easy, because how many times he cried helpless, because Sirius fell unconscious again, because Sirius was coughing and spitting blood again, because he was crying again and Regulus couldn't do anything to help him, how many?

"I'm totally useless," James' voice cracks.

"No," Regulus pleads in despair. "James please don't, please..."

"What's the point if I can't even help those I care about."

"James," Reg whispered again.

Regulus was trying to help him, Regulus was trying. James needed him and he was able to give it to him.

But on the other hand... Sirius.
Sirius needed him too. Regulus knew it, even if he acted like he didn't. Even if he still pushed him away, he needed him.

"Sirius," Sirius gasped in shock when as Regulus slammed into him, as he crashed into him, clenching his hands on his shirt and hugging him tight. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier."

"What are you talking about?" he blinked slowly "thank you Reggie," he murmured softly snuggling into him tightly, taking the opportunity, because Regulus was not a very touching person.

"But now I'm here, you can tell me anything," he assures. Because at the time in the hospital they didn't have enough time or strength to talk about it.

○○○

"It's my fault," Sirius looks into Remus' eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Moony," he whispers. "It's my fault, I'm sorry."

"Sirius stop that," Remus demands.

"But–"

"No."

"It is my fault, it was me provoking him, I was dueling him, I didn't tell you to move away, I didn't recognize the surroundings. I should have known better, I shouldn't have... it's my fault because I didn't do anything to fix it, to help you. I was just broken. I couldn't do anything, I was terrified and couldn't move. I didn't do anything. James could pull himself together, but I... I fell apart."

"And you think I blame you? Sirius. You can't be serious right now. Think about how I would feel if you had been in my place, okay? I don't want you to blame yourself because no one but you thinks so. Did Minnie give you detention? No."

"But–"

"Shut up," Remus rolls his eyes and Sirius laughs, then hugs him.

But this was different, Sirius didn't want to let go, neither did Remus.

Missing this feeling too much.

○○○

"I'm sorry Lilly," Sirius's voice is fragile, he doesn't look up, he doesn't dare look at his friend's face.

"Oh darling," Lilly wraps her arm around him, gently as if she's afraid she'll break him like a porcelain doll. "Did you really think I was angry with you? I wasn't mad at you, ever. Sirius, my star... I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she whispered in his ear.

"But–"

"Siri, you're my friend, I reckon you're risky, arrogant and careless. I know it and I still love you. The fact that you make mistakes doesn't change that, I won't stop loving you because you answered the challenge, I know you can't let go. I'm angry with Severus because he used the spell, because he hurt Remus, because he wanted to hurt you but in a very serious way, they weren't stupid games anymore."

"You love me?" He grins happily.

"I love you, you dumbass."

"I love you too Lills, and I'm sorry your friend turned out to be a douchebag."

"Thanks, Siri."

"Siri, it's a new one," Sirius smiled widely. "I like that."

○○○

"I'm sorry James."

"I'm sorry Sirius."

And here Remus's theory that they share one brain cell comes true, because they say it at the same exact moment.

"For what are you apologizing for," and again they entered into each other's word "speak first," together again "not you," and they burst out laughing.

"Okay, I'm first," informs Sirius taking a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize to you because then," James knows exactly when "I shouldn't have asked you anything, I couldn't have asked you to take care of all this, you shouldn't face this alone, and I was no help at all."

James nodded, he knew he shouldn't argue with Sirius about this, even if he didn't feel like Sirius, he just let him apologize for what Sirius thought was the problem.

James accepted and forgave, and everything was on the right track again.

He was just letting Sirius do what he thought was right. Even if James wasn't angry with him, even if he didn't blame him for anything, he accepted the apology silently, not resentful.

"My turn?" James muttered. "I wanted to apologize for not being here, for not being with you. That I wasn't with you, Sirius, when you needed me, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you what I should have told you, that I didn't act the way I should have."

And everything was good again.

They were okay.