Professor Pendragon

“Merlin.” Remus smiled widely as the other professor slipped into the back of his class. “Welcome.” The wide eyed third years swiveled in their seats to look at the startled professor. “We’re about to begin.”

Merlin took a seat on the table in the far back and tucked his feet under him, criss crossed.

“Now class,” Remus continued, “Please tell me what spell you use to repel a boggart.” Behind him a chest shook violently and Merlin watched with thinly veiled concern.

“Riddikulus” the students answered in unison.

“Good.” he smiled and motioned for them to stand up. “Make a line now. There is no shame in your fears, fear is a good thing. It keeps you safe, you just need to know how to deal with fear when it appears.”

The students lined up and Merlin leaned forward more, this was one way to learn more about his students.

The Ravenclaw girl stood slightly shaking as Remus opened the chest and a huge dog came out. Merlin didn’t know if it was an actual kind of dog or if it was just large to scare her more but she let out a squeak of panic. “Riddikulus!” She shouted and the dog turned into a giant stuffed dog.

“Good job Melane.” Remus praised her quickly and she moved, leaving space for the Hufflepuff boy behind her.

The class carried on like this till the bell. There were a couple of fears of the dark and small spaces. One other was afraid of the dark. One was afraid of her grandmother and Merlin was oddly reminded of how he felt when Gaius gave him the eyebrow. He was proud of the kids, they got over their fears. He reminded himself that everyone had the potential to be courageous.

“Remus.” Merlin spoke after the door closed behind the last student. “Why did you do this lesson?”

“These are hard times Merlin. They will only get harder and they will always remember this lesson, no matter what’s the problem or how long into the future it will be. They will remember that they were brave in the face of their greatest fear. Their fears probably won’t be the same as they are now but they faced this and can do those too.”

Merlin smiled. “You’re a good teacher Remus.”

“I try. I’m going to grab some snacks from the kitchen, I’ll grab Minnie on the way back.” He asked and Merlin nodded. He left a moment later, on a mission to snag some fruit and bread.

The time after classes might have been for homework for the students but it was for gossip with the teachers. Merlin sat in silence for a few moments before the chest in the middle of the room gave a rattle. The latch opened and the bogart slipped out.

It stopped in front of Merlin and turned into a familiar figure. A tall man, broad shoulders, golden hair, a sword hung by his side. He was in full armor, a golden crown was on his head, and a sneer on his face.

“You dare stand before me! You lied to me Merlin!” The figure shouted and Merlin flinched back as if struck. This was a bad idea. This was a really bad idea. “You will burn for this, sorcerer.” The words were spat at the other professor who was now leaning hard against the wall with tears running down his face. “You don’t deserve this. Not the kingdom, not the home, and not me.”

Merlin’s breath caught as he choked on a sob. The figure changed, and turned into himself.

“He’s dead, you know.” the fake Merlin smiled and it looked wrong on his face. It was dark. “Your precious king. Dead because you couldn’t save him! Look what you’ve become! A professor at a school of magic. A school built on the grounds of the place you buried your love!” the fake Merlin yelled at him. “You deserve this, to wait an eternity for someone that’s never coming back. It was all for nothing. All the people you loved and lost. The ones you killed for your kind was worth nothing. He’s not coming back, Merlin!”

“Kilgharrah lied Merlin! Arthur’s not coming back! Arthur lied too. He never loved you. He pitied you!” his voice lowered. “Seems that you got lied to just as much as you lied to everyone else. Who was it all? Hundreds of people by now, maybe thousands. After all, you couldn’t tell people about your magic. How many people died because you couldn’t risk it, Merlin? How many lives rest on your shoulders, because you’re a coward!?”

“Merlin?” Minerva’s voice stood out as a stark difference to the yelling bogart’s. “Merlin!” It got panicky and Merlin couldn’t focus on her enough to figure out why. She bolted forward and the boggart turned its attention to her. “Riddikulus!” The Merlin looked curious for a second before turning to a toddler and she quickly picked him up and stuffed him in the chest. Placing a dozen locking charms on it before turning back to her dear friend.

“Merlin!” Remus walked into the room with just enough time to see Minerva locking the chest. “Why is Minerva locking that a dozen or two times?” He looked at Merlin now and saw he was slumped against the far wall while sobbing. Minerva was quickly making his way to him and Remus followed.

“What happened Merlin?” There was no point in asking if he was alright, that was an evident no.

“Boggart got out.” Minerva answered for him and sat quickly by his side.

“Merlin.” Remus’s eyes filled quickly with tears. “I'm so sorry. I should have checked the chest again.” he knelt next to him and Merlin leaned on him, chest heaving as he sobbed.

“I didn’t know how to get rid of it.” he muttered through the tears, “I knew the spell wouldn’t work for me, none of your spells do as I don’t have a wand.”

“I’m so sorry Merlin.” Remus muttered as he pressed his lips on his friend's head, kissing his hair lightly. “I’m so so sorry.”

“Not…not your fault.” His words split as he gasped in a breath. “I didn’t think about it before.”

“Minerva handed him a golden wrapped candy and Merlin gave a small grin as he popped the butterscotch candy into his mouth.

“Thanks Nerva.” He wiped his face with his neckerchief and leaned against Remus’s chest, content to be held for a moment.

“Do you want to talk about it Merlin?” She asked, shifting to lean against the wall next to them. “Sometimes the best thing to do is to talk and be heard. We’re listening if you would like.”

He was quiet long enough that she took it for an answer. It was a few minutes of silence only interrupted with Merlin's shaky breaths before anyone spoke; to her pleasant surprise it was Merlin.

“It was Arthur.”

He took a deep breath and Minerva and Remus stayed silent, they knew that if anyone said something that he would change the topic.

“He was in his armor and chainmail, with his cloak and sword on. He had his crown,” He huffed a laugh, “he had a new one made after he was crowned king, a simple circlet. He hated the old ones, said they were too fancy and attracted too much attention.”

“He said I should burn,” Remus’s arms tightened around him and Minerva inhaled sharply, “Said I didn’t deserve him or the kingdom. That I was a liar and deserved a fate of forever. Then it changed into me. It said that Arthur wasn’t coming back, that no one was coming back. That I was lied to by Kilgharrah as I had lied to everyone else.”

A tear slipped down his cheek.

“It said I had killed so many people for nothing. I’ve killed so many and it was right. What was the point? For Arthur and Camelot? They died anyway. For myself? Not like it would stick if they killed me. It told me I was a coward and I don’t think that’s true, I think I’m still a coward.”

“How many people are dead because of me, how many lives are on my hands because I didn’t risk exposing my magic? My father, Freya, Will, every knight that fell to protect Camelot. I killed all of them. Thousands are on my shoulders, Their blood will always be on my hands. Every soldier in every war that I didn’t save.”

Minerva was crying.

“Every life in hundreds of life times that I could have saved. Diseases that I could have gotten rid of and droughts I could have stopped. The people around me were starving and I did too, we starved to death and I turned 20 again. They never came back. Gwaine was tortured to death, Percival was killed with an arrow through his throat. Elyan burned down with Camelot. Lancelot died twice, once for me and the other because of me. Arthur died because of me and he’s not coming back.”

Merlin started to cry harder, his words spreading between his sobs.

“When Albion's need is greatest?” he laughed as he cried. “I’ve lived through a war deemed ‘The war to end all wars’ only to get drafted as another started 21 years later. What will it take to get my husband back?”

He stopped talking as he cried harder, he couldn’t see through the tears and he couldn’t speak through the knot in his throat.

“Merlin.” Remus spoke as he pulled his friend even closer, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Minerva wrapped around him from the other side. “None of that was your fault, you did what you had to do at the time. Just because you’ll come back every time you die doesn’t mean it’s okay to let yourself die.” it sounded rather suicidal actually but that was a conversation for later. “I can’t promise that Arthur will come back, I won’t give you promises that I can’t keep or tell you that everything will be okay. But I want you to know that no matter what happens or what you do in this life, Minerva and I will be next to you as long as we can. We’re here for you now Merlin, so lean on us, talk to us, and let us help you.” he rubbed his friend's arm, wishing he could take the pain away. “Can you do that?”

Merlin nodded.

“Good. Right now there are a few options, would you like to stay here or go to one of our rooms?”

“Room.” Merlin muttered quietly

“Alright, do you have a preference?”

“Mine.”

“We can do that Merlin.”

Minerva stood and helped Merlin up as Remus stood. All of their faces were blotchy and red from tears. Minerva waved her wand and spoke a few spells before moving slowly towards the door.

“I put some invisibility and silencing charms on us. No one will see or hear us as we go down the halls. As long as we don’t hit anyone, no one will be the wiser to our presence.”

They made their way down the hall to Merlin's room, dodging the occasional student but otherwise undisturbed. They entered the room and Minerva dropped the spell. The three of them made their way to the soft rug in front of the fireplace.

“Would you like tea or hot chocolate?” Remus asked once they were all seated and he had summoned what was needed for either option. Something warm would do them all good.

“Tea please.”

Minerva made his cup and Remus always ended up putting too much sugar in it.

They sat there in silence and tried to absorb the comfort the drinks gave. They shifted slightly after, making a puddle of limbs on the floor as they drifted to rest and Remus belatedly remembered that Merlin had a class in twenty minutes. He’d take care of it once the other two were asleep. He’d always wondered how it was to teach history instead of defense. He would teach his class and as many after as was needed. He knew he couldn’t be there for Merlin before but he’d be there now. He knew that between him and Minerva they would take care of him as he had taken care of so many other people.