Chapter Eleven
It’s almost creepy how easily they fit back into everything. Their dorm, their common room, their classes. Mary wanted to make herself believe over the summer break that maybe all of this isn’t real, she ignored every piece of it, every memory, that would pop up in her head, but now, being back, everything is just- well, just back to normal. And Mary hates it, hates herself, for remembering, for coming back, for having magic, for finding it normal. But what she hates the most is how no one seems to think like her. How everyone seems to feel perfectly fine with living in a castle, so far away from everything they know, with having magic and learning stuff, that no one should find normal, with being so far away from society and not only miles speaking.
Sometimes she wants to shout at them, to shake them, to punch and scream at them until they start to realize that none of this is normal, that none of this should be normal. What is wrong with them?
Why can’t they see how absurd this all is? How can they live in that world and just don’t question it at all?
She doesn’t, though. Ask them. No, Mary presses her lips together, clenches her hands, relishing in the sting, and then she opens her books and grabs her cards, she reads and plays, and somehow everything seems a little bit quieter like this. She feels more normal, like taking a part from her home with her makes this all feel a little bit more like home, too. But no matter how much she will keep telling herself that, nothing will ever cover up the hole inside herself, the loss of everything she thought she had. No matter how much she wants to dream, there won’t ever be stars on her ceiling, when she opens her eyes.
***
“Okay, don’t panic.” Marlene mumbles as she walks up and down in their dorm room.
“I’m not panicking.” Mary responses from her bed.
“I’m not talking to you.” Marlene drives her hands through her hair, huffing.
Mary raises her eyebrows looking up from the book she is currently reading. It’s about some sort of sea grass and she would enjoy it a lot, if it weren’t for an obviously nervous Marlene walking in front of her. “Okay, I don’t get it.”
“Of course, you don’t!” Marlene groans, walking to her and letting herself fall onto Mary’s bed, too. “I can’t do it. I just can’t. I will fail miserably and then I will never get a chance to improve myself, because they won’t even let me near the pitch anymore.”
Mary stares at her for a moment, before sighing. “Okay, just to check, the Quidditch audition is in a week, isn’t it?”
“Yes?”
“Why are you so stressed? It’s a whole week, Marlene. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow, a week.”
“It’s only a week, Mary. Only a week. And I will fail so, so bad.”
Mary sighs. “Why on earth would you fail?”
Marlene shrugs. “Because I’m a failure? Because I can’t play Quidditch? Because I don’t deserve it?”
“Oh, fuck off.” Mary slaps her on the arm. “Don’t be so sobby. You’ve been playing Quidditch since forever. There is no way, you will fail.”
Marlene pouts. “But what if?”
“What if I punch you in your dumb face?” Mary rolls her eyes. “You’ll be great, but if you still feel so pathetic just go train with James and Sirius, alright?”
Marlene still pouts.
“Alright?”
“Yes! Whatever.” Marlene crosses her arms as her gaze catches the book in Mary’s lap. “What’s that?”
“None of your business.”
“Come on! Please? You need to distract me from my panic.”
Mary scoffs. “You won’t care.”
“Just tell me what’s it about? Pretty please?”
Mary frowns at her and then sighs. “It’s about marine biology. Satisfied?”
Marlene wrinkles her nose. “No, that’s boring. Why don’t you read any cool fictional books like Lily? They’re at least interesting.”
“Why don’t you start panicking again, so that I have my peace?”
At that, Marlene laughs, her whole face scrunching up as Mary grins.
Marlene does train a lot until the next week. Basically every given moment either with James or Sirius, but she also won’t hesitate to train alone. Coming back smelling like a whole bunch of teenagers sweat, but with the biggest grin on her face and lit up eyes is something Mary and Lily had to get used to. And then finally, the week is over and Marlene drags both Mary and Lily to the Quidditch pitch to watch her play (or fail as she likes to say with wide, panicked eyes).
“Okay,” Marlene starts as she glances towards the already full pitch. “Technically, you are not allowed to watch the audition. Something about secrecy or whatever, but if you-”
“What?” Lily shrieks. “It is not allowed?”
Marlene nods distracted. “Yeah, yeah, but if you sneak through under the stands and lift the tarpaulin you should be able to watch without being seen.”
“I thought you said it is allowed!” Lily continues, cheeks getting redder and redder every second.
“Oh, shut it.” Mary mumbles rolling her eyes. “They won’t catch us.”
Marlene nods, finally focusing on them again. “Yeah, exactly. Mickey told me that trick. His friends did the same at his audition.”
“Were they caught?” Lily asks, biting on her lip.
Marlene opens her mouth, pauses, closes it and looks sheepishly down. “Well, yes, but that is hardly the point, is it?”
“They were?” Lily looks at the other girl in shock. “Are you kidding me?”
“Oh, come on, Lily.” Mary groans. “Don’t be so uptight. We won’t be caught and even if, what is the worst that can happen?”
At that, Lily frowns and glares at her, but doesn’t answer.
“Right.” Mary nods to herself.
Marlene takes a shaky breath. “I- I know you don’t want to do this and you don’t even like Quidditch and maybe you will get in tons of trouble and I might not even be chosen for the team, but-” Her wide eyes stare at them almost pleadingly. “I really need you both out there and I feel like I might explode if I don’t have someone to look at. And I know, I really know you hate each other, but I would really, really appreciate this. Please?”
“I don’t hate her.” Lily starts at the same time as Mary says. “I’ll survive it.”
“You’ll really do it?” Marlene asks, blue eyes wide with hope.
Lily sighs. “Yes, of course, Marls.”
“Yeah, don’t worry.” Mary adds.
A big grin spreads on Marlene’s lips, lighting up her whole face. “Thank you.” She breathes, catching them both in a crushing hug. “Oh Merlin, thank you, thank you, thank you.” She leans back. “Now ladies, I gotta make it to the pitch before I piss myself. Wish me luck.”
Lily smiles. “Good luck.”
“Yeah, make us proud.” Mary grins.
***
Hiding with Lily is, well its something Mary never thought she would be doing. And it is not pleasant. Lets make this sure.
“Be quiet!” Mary shout-whispers as they sneak under the stands.
It is dark, only small gaps in between the tarpaulin let in a little bit of light. The ground is muddy, making every step squashy and disgusting. Mary wrinkles her nose as they crawl through the small wood pillars.
“I am quiet!” Lily hisses back.
“I can literally hear every breath you take.”
“Well, they are hardly going to hear my breath, are they?”
“If you continue to breath like a bull than yes, actually.”
“You are so annoying!” Lily snaps, her green eyes flashing in the dark light.
“Oh, really? Grow up.” Mary rolls her eyes, crawling further.
“I should grow up? Who are you talking to me like this? Acting as if you can just walk through your life whilst insulting everyone and everything. Have you ever thought that you are not funny and not cool and do not have any right to judge everyone, because, surprise, no one cares about your opinion. So stop sulking in self pity and stop letting your anger out on everyone else! It’s exhausting.”
Mary turns to her with raised brows. “Was that everything?”
Lily looks at her incredulously. “You are exhausting! I don’t understand how anyone can put up with you. How anyone would want to put up with you.”
Somehow this stings more than Mary thought. She gulps, trying to control her racing heart. “Fuck off.” She tries to snap, but it comes out more like a whisper.
“Oh, yeah, insult me, what a shocker.” Lily glares at her.
“Fuck off.” Mary repeats, this time with more confidence. “I don’t give a shit about what you think of me. We are not friends and I certainly don’t want you as a friend, so spare me this little rant and walk faster, before we miss Marlene's audition.”
The mention of Marlene clearly pulls Lily out of her rage. She presses her lips together and nods curtly, before crawling forward again. “But if you say another thing about my breath, I will kick you.”
“Ohh, I am so afraid.” Mary mutters sarcastically. For a second Lily doesn’t react, than she kicks Mary in her arm, making her fall down in the mud. Anger flashes in Mary. “Are you fucking kidding me?” She grasps Lily’s leg, pulling sharply, making the girl fall down, too.
Lily shrieks, turning to Mary and pushing her further in the dirt. “You are so mean!” She whisper-shouts. “And so annoying!”
“Fuck you! As if you are so better.” Mary presses through gritted teeth. “You’re a liar and a coward!”
They push each other, feet kicking, hands pulling and punching, mud all over their clothes. Somehow all that anger, all that rage, the bitterness and loneliness, the fear and panic and desperation come up inside Mary, making her body tingle with the need to hurt and to be hurt. To punch and relish the pain. To let everything out and take everything Lily gives her. Her face and shins and arms and hands hurt. Somewhere along their fight, her skull has hit some wood, making a throbbing pain shooting through her head. But she can’t stop. And she doesn’t want to. She wants to bleed, to crack her skull, to break all her bones, to never again open her eyes.
She wants to stay there, right here, under the stands, surrounded by mud and Lily’s smell. So she pulls and punches and relishes in the sting and-
“And now for the audition for the butcher: Marlene McKinnon!” A voice shouts through a megaphone.
And suddenly, the world stops.
They come to a halt, Mary sitting on top of Lily, holding her down with her hands in her hair and Lily’s fist having just punched her in the face.
“Shit.” Lily whispers.
Without talking, they both sit up, crawling as fast as they can towards the tarpaulin, not caring anymore about getting more dirty, lifting the tarpaulin and-
“Oh, fuck yes.” Mary breathes out relieved. “She has not started yet.”
They can see Marlene starting to get on her broom, her brown hair flying in her face. Her eyes wander around the pitch, around the stands until they finally find Lily and Mary. Immediately, she beams, her shoulders loosing tension.
Lily mouths something along the line of Good luck as Mary holds up her thumps, both grinning encouragingly. Marlene nods to herself seriously, before pushing herself of the ground and flying in the sky.
“She looks like an angel.” Lily mutters, still smiling.
“Yeah.” Mary nods, watching the girl shift through the air effortless. “Looks fucking cool.” Something in her stomach sparkles as Marlene aims bludger after bludger right towards the other team.
“And what exactly do you two think you are doing here?” A stern voice pulls them out of their observation.
They both look up right in the face of McGonnagall.