Chapter Seven
“Come with me.”
Peter looks up confused. “What?”
“Come with me.” Mary repeats.
“Why? And where?”
“Ugh.” Mary groans, just grabbing his arm and pulling him with her down the hallway. “Don’t ask any stupid questions, just come on.”
“You know that we have Transfiguration in like two minutes?” He asks, nevertheless following her.
“Obviously, I’m not stupid.”
He shrugs. “Fine.”
They walk towards a secret exist Mary discovered due to all those stupid books, Lily still makes her read. She’s already walked it through and knows that it ends outside the castle on a wide meadow.
“You wanna go out?” Peter asks as they walk through it.
“You know where it leads to?”
“Why do you think are James and Sirius always in detention? They do basically nothing else than wandering around the castle at any given hour.”
Mary nods. That makes sense. “Well, yeah, we’re going out.” She’s glad when he doesn’t ask why again. It’s complicated and Mary’s head feels very close to exploding and if she doesn’t get out of these brick walls immediately, she might do something very stupid, like, I don’t know, attacking Dumbledore. The thought has crossed her mind more often the last few days and it becomes harder and harder to push it away.
When they finally sit outside, back’s pressed against the wall, feet in the soft grass and a warm breeze running through their hair, Mary can finally breath.
They just sit. Some birds are flying over the forest, some are landing on the meadow, picking in the grass, while a few sunbeams manage their way through the clouds in the sky, warming their skin and melting some of the ice, that has wrapped its way around Mary’s heart the moment she went in the Great Hall today.
When the sunbeams become rarer and the wind stronger, Peter pulls a card game out and they slowly start to play it. It’s mostly luck, but Mary enjoys the feeling of those cards in her hands nevertheless. It’s comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.
“You plan on winning some time?” Peter asks as he mixes the cards after yet another win from him.
“Asshole.” Mary mumbles.
“Looser.” He mumbles back, before handing them out again.
They play and play and the birds fly and pick and the sun beams and fights against the clouds. They play and Peter never asks, never pushes, just sits with her, chatting lightly in between soft silences and sometime around their hundredth game Mary finally feels warm enough to talk.
“Today’s my birthday.”
Peter looks up surprised, but then just shrugs. “Happy Birthday, I guess.”
“I want to go home.” She murmurs.
“Not such a happy birthday then.” He places a card on the staple in front of them. “We can steal cake from the kitchen, if you want.”
She looks up. “Why would we do that?”
“Everyone needs cake on their birthday, didn’t you know that?” He looks up as well. “Or did you have one already?”
She shakes her head, curls softly bouncing around her face. “No.”
He laughs. “Well, no wonder your birthday’s not happy.”
“I don’t want stupid cake.” She frowns. “I’m not a kid.”
“Everyone needs cake on their birthday. No exception.”
“Well, maybe that’s my birthday wish for today.” She crosses her arms.
He raises his eyebrows. “Your birthday wish is to not have cake?”
“Yes.”
He shrugs. “Well, then, no cake, I guess.”
She sighs, laying a card on the staple. “I got a letter from my father.”
“That’s nice.”
Mary thinks about the letter scrunched up in her pocket. “I hate it.”
“The letter?”
She wraps her arms around her legs, laying her chin on her knees. “Everything.”
Peter looks up again. “But it’s your birthday.”
“Yeah.” She closes her eyes. “I hate that, too.”
“How old are you now?”
“Eleven.”
He hums. “Have you told anyone?”
She shakes her head.
“Well, now I’m feeling honored.” He laughs softly. “And pressured. I don’t even have a gift and you still haven’t had cake.”
“I don’t want gifts and cake.”
“Everyone wants that.”
“I want my home.” She breathes out, something inside her breaking just a bit more.
“I’m sorry.” He says quietly.
“Me too.”
“Should I get anyone? Marlene or Lily or-”
“Nah.” Mary interrupts him. “You’re alright.”
Peter smiles slightly for a moment, before saying: “For the record, you’re also bearable.”
“Bearable?” She opens her eyes, one side of her mouth quirking up.
“If you stretch it, maybe even nice.”
“Well, you’re an asshole.” She grins slightly.
He throws his last card on the staple in front of them. “And you’ve just lost again.”
“Oh, come on.” She groans. “No one wins that often in a luck game.”
He grins. “Well, no one sucks as much as you do.”
Mary scoffs. “You know what, I changed my mind, you can go.”
“Nah, I’ll stay.”
“How come that you are, like, not at all worried?” Mary muses.
Peter raises his eyebrows. “About what?”
“We just skipped every class of the day. You just came with me and stayed here for the whole day.”
He laughs. “Well, the worst I’ll get is detention and I know for sure James and Sirius will be there, too, so not that bad I’d say.”
“The worst is detention?”
“What do they want to do else? Throw me out? I don’t think so.”
Mary frowns. “Why?”
“We’re wizards, we literally have to be here.”
“Do we?”
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “You know because of our magic. It’s some law or whatever. We need to learn how to control that magic or else we’re a danger for other people.”
“So,” Mary swallows against the lump that starts to form in her throat. “There is no way of not going here?”
“Nope.” Peter smiles lopsided. “Kinda like prison, if you say it like that, I guess.”
Everything freezes around her, the ice, that so, so slowly melted, capturing her yet again, keeping her in place to watch the last light burning slowly down until darkness erupts around her. “And if someone where to run away,-”
“They would be caught.” He gives her a pointed look. “Mary, in a world of wizards you have no place to hide. Magic always finds it way back to you.”
“No way? No possibility? No chance?” She asks, her voice breaking with every word.
He shakes his head slowly, worry starting to form in his blue eyes. “Are you okay?”
And then a big fire ignites in her, burning every cell, every fiber, every bone in her to the ground until only anger and anger alone remains. “I’ll kill her.” She hisses.
“Mary?” Peter asks, but she doesn’t answer, just jumps up and runs. She can hear his calls, maybe he is following her, who cares. She has one target and no one will stand in her way.
***
Lily is in the common room, when Mary finds her, sitting next to Remus, while they’re both reading a book. She looks peaceful like that, content. Mary wants to set her, the whole room and then herself on fire.
“Lily, come with me.”
The girl looks up surprised. “What?”
“Are you deaf? Come with me.” Without looking back, Mary walks towards their dorm, knowing Lily will follow her.
“What is the matter?” Lily asks as she enters their dorm, too. A smile on her face. “And that wasn’t nice, by the way. I thought we had a deal.” She says in a teasing voice, that makes Mary want to strangle her.
“Fuck off.” Mary explodes. “How dare you talk about our stupid fucking deal?”
Lily looks taken back for a second, before crossing her arms. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that you’re the biggest liar in the whole world.” She points at her, voice raising ever so slightly. “Ms be-nice, Ms I-don’t-lie. Yeah, as if, asshole.”
“What are you talking about?” Lily stares at her, anger starting to form in her eyes.
“You said, we’ll find a way out of this stupid castle. But there is no fucking way, is there?”
For a second, Lily just looks at her, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.
“Yeah.” Mary nods, running her hands through her hair. “Yeah, just as I thought.” She laughs, a broken, wet sound.
“I wanted to help you.” Lily argues.
“You’re a fucking liar, that’s what you are!” Mary shouts. “You said there was a way out! You gave me those stupid books and you said there was a way!”
“I did wanted to help you!” Lily shouts back.
“How? How the fuck was that any helpful?”
“I thought- I thought, if you’d read the books, you might start to like it here.” Her voice gets smaller and smaller the more she keeps talking.
Mary laughs incredulously. “You- What, you thought that- Are you fucking crazy?” She takes a step forward. “I hate it here. Do you get that? I hate it. I hate magic and this castle and waking up in this dorm and going to those classes. I hate everything about it and I have no one, absolutely no one, because everyone I had just left and now I have to stay here and learn fucking magic. Do you know how much I despise it? How much I wish I could just be normal and live a normal life? Do you even realize how crazy everything here is? What the fuck is this? Some freak show? Oh, we’re wizards, we have magic and we wear robes and fly on brooms and use wands? Everyone is fucking crazy here and I feel like losing my mind, like there is nothing left to keep me from suffocating from this pure nonsense and you dare to give me the fucking hope of getting out, of finally getting to live again.” She points at Lily, her hand trembling. “How dare you making me fucking hope?”
“Mary, I’m sorry, okay? I really am.” Lily’s eyes are wide. “I don’t- I didn’t- I just wanted to help.”
The world feels like crushing down. Suddenly the walls are too near, Mary’s cloth too tight, the air too thick. She can’t breath. Is she supposed to breath? How do people breath again? Help, she thinks, it’s finally happening, my mind is overtaking me.
And then she feels hands gripping her arms and holding them down. She hadn’t realized that she’d started to scratch herself, until she feels the burn on her arms, neck, face.
“Mary?” Lily asks, fear in her voice as she still holds her arms.
And Mary just collapses into her, her whole body shaking violently, the only thing keeping her collapsing onto the floor Lily’s arms.
“I don’t want to be here.” She presses out of her mouth in between sobs. “I hate it so much here.”
“I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.” Lily repeats over and over again, her hands gripping Mary’s body tightly as if she’s afraid Mary might just fall apart otherwise. Too late, Mary thinks. I already exploded. Can’t you see the broken pieces on the floor next to us?
“I want to be home.” Mary presses her face into Lily’s shoulder. “Just let me go home, please.”
“I’m here.” Lily mumbles into her hair. “I’m here for you, okay? I’m sorry, I really am, but I’ll be here.” She holds Mary, holds her together not knowing there is nothing left to keep. “Just let me be here for you.”
And Mary cries loud and angry, ugly and desperate, and still not loud enough to silence the emptiness inside of her. But Lily holds her and murmurs to her and slowly, so, so very slowly, Mary starts to breath again.