Remus woke up rubbing his eyes, he sat up groggily, just barely making it halfway up before he winced at the pain, he was used how badly he ached but the pain took him by surprise.
Remus got up, slid his pants on, and walked towards the bathroom, as he was reaching for the doorknob he couldn’t help but listen to the laughter that came from the dining room.
Remus leaned back against the wall, his head angled up to the stars. “Maybe they are better off without me.” He couldn’t help but whisper to himself, he was trapped in his mind.
The laughter continued, Sirius sounded so happy without Remus being there, yet Remus felt guilty, he felt like thinking that ways was greedy. Remus took a deep breath, twisted the knob, and went into the bathroom.
He turned the light on and locked the door behind him, he was sure that he wanted nobody to see him like this. He slid his shirt off, revealing all the bandages and scars of his past. Some bandages had blood on them and some didn’t, some were meant to cover while the others were meant to heal. Remus felt up his waist, feeling the sensitive skin around the scars that were still forming.
Remus tried his best to stop, but he couldn’t, it was addicting, not that it felt good or made him feel good but it made everything go quiet for just a bit, he could focus on himself and not his past, he could get away from all the bad thoughts and memories of his father. He could just think of how his future would be with Sirius, yet he was doubting how much more he could take.
He took a few deep breaths and turned the shower on, he needed some type of sound to cover up his thoughts, he couldn’t stop looking up and down himself in the mirror, disgusted and pitied by the bandages and the scars that covered his torso and arms. He opened the drawer and grabbed the razor, the blade was nearly dull. He threw the razor in the bin, he left the shower on but left the bathroom, he grabbed his phone and opened a drawer, he took the items from the drawer and went back to the bathroom.
The water was warm, but Remus didn’t step in, he slid himself to the ground and against the tub, compared to the water, the tub was cold, but it felt nice against his back, it soothed him. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and texted Sirius.
‘I love you”
The message went from sent to read, yet the only response Remus got was a heart, not in the form of a message but as a reaction to his.
Sirius set his phone down on the table, he was in the living room playing games with James and regulus, Ron and Snape sat comfortably on the couch, their house was warm, or their hearts were at least. Sirius’s phone buzzed and he checked it.
‘Can we talk’
Remus was desperate for Sirius to respond.
‘What’s up?’
Sirius went and sat on the couch, James and regulus kept talking, waiting for the next game to start.
‘I feel like everyone else is more important to you, do I matter to you anymore?’
‘Of course you do moony, we just only get to see all of them every so often, we’re together every night.’
‘But whenever someone else is over you treat me like I’m nothing, it’s like I have to beg for attention.’
‘Listen, I love you, and I’m going to be with you later unless you want to come out and hang out with everyone’
‘I don’t want to have to be with everyone in order to feel your love, please can we just be together for a moment’
‘I can’t just hush them out, if you want to come out then I can hold you.’
‘You know how I am about other people seeing me like that’
‘Do you hate people seeing us together?’
‘No I love it when people see us together, you know what I mean’
‘You can wait, if you’re not going to come out here then I can just text you, you can handle a bit without me’
‘Sirius please, you know I don’t feel safe with people seeing me like that’
‘Then you can wait.’
‘Sirius please, please forgive me.’
Sirius stopped responding, he was mad, he set his phone down on the table and took his seat.
“What’s up?” James asked, curious if what Sirius just got done with. “It was just Remus, let’s get the game started back up.”
Remus felt tears streaming down his face, he couldn’t breathe, he knew he made Sirius angry, something he was most afraid of. Remus took out his inhaler, it helped him breathe but it didn’t smooth the pain, Remus hasn’t feel felt this bad since his dad had touched him.
Remus locked the door, he texted everyone how sorry he was and waited to send the letters to the people most important to him, the letters he felt that they deserved, Sirius’s was the longest, he cared for him so heavily but he had made the mistake of not fixing himself before coming to Sirius, or that’s what his mind told him.
Remus got up, he took the things he set on the counter and grabbed his keys, he was sure about what he was going to do, he unlocked the door, turned the shower off, and walked out of the bathroom. As he walked he put a jacket over himself, he didn’t bother to touch a shirt. He spread things across the bed, things that felt sentimental to him, and labeled who would get each thing.
Remus went through the place he called home and passed Sirius. “I love you Sirius.” And with that Remus went to the door to get his shoes on, nobody questioned him, but what hurt most was that Sirius hadn’t responded, he looked up at Remus and looked back down to the table. Remus finished tying his shoes and opened the front door, he looked back to check if Sirius was looking at him, and when he saw that he wasn’t, he shut the door behind him.
“I’m sorry.” Remus whispered to himself, he got in his car and drove back towards his house, Sirius had a key but Remus didn’t plan on him coming, on the ride there he couldn’t help but feel guilty, how would everyone else be doing without him? But then he reminded himself that everyone’s better without him there.
The lights met the front of his home, it was dark but it was fine, Remus turned the car off and stepped out, he walked towards the door, his feet crunching against the snow, he unlocked the door and stepped in, undoing his shoes as the he could only think of how sorry he was that people had to deal with him for so long, he locked the door and walked through his house, he went to his bathroom, locked the door behind him, and took his shirt off, he was alone.
He pulled his phone out, dropped himself against the tub, and texted everyone again, he sent the letters that he’d been waiting to send, and he let the silence take over.
Sirius’s phone vibrated, and he ignored it.
‘I wonder what I look like in your eyes’
Even though it was Remus, he wouldn’t even set his eyes on it as it vibrated again, but then his phone started to vibrate violently, he finally checked it. As he read his messages, his heart dropped. Everyone was telling him about Remus, he shot up and started reading the letter, as his phone was open, everyone else in the room jumped up and they ran to the car, he turned the car on and started speeding, he didn’t want to lose Remus.
‘Before I get into this, I reassure you that it’s not your fault Sirius, you didn’t do anything that pushed me and to be honest you were one of the people that keep me going for so long. I love you dearly, and i wish I could’ve spent forever with you but it’s best that I’m gone. you have people to help you and love you for what I can’t do now, I’ll never stop loving you even if I’m not here anymore. Please don’t blame yourself for this, because if it was your fault I wouldn’t be spending my time writing this but you’re special. you’re the man I’ve loved so genuinely and so much, every moment we spent together in person and every message we sent, every tear, every smile, every heart ache, and every kiss, I enjoyed spending it with you, nobody can take your place because you’re like nobody else. I wish I could be the one telling you when you got to this but hopefully this note proves it, everything’s going to be hard to accept at first but it’ll get better. I know you can make it when I can’t because you’re a strong man, if you’re reading this, whether it be alone or with a group. I’m most likely dead, and with my death I want you to stay strong and try to live your life and make it to the day that you don’t have to deal with your past anymore. I’ll be watching out for you Sirius, you made life worth living, and I wouldn’t replace you with anyone else, not this time nor in any life or any future or any circumstance, I love you Sirius, and I’m so sorry that it ended this way.’
Sirius raced through the roads, they were slippery but it didn’t matter to him, he wanted to save the only man that gave him a chance. The only man that made him feel safe.
The car was silent, the only sound that went through the car was the wind. Everyone shared the same worry, they were almost there.
The tires squealed and the cars back end hit a pole, but before anyone could say a word Sirius got out of the car and ran towards Remus’s house, it was hard to run through the snow but it was only a bit before Sirius got to his doorstep, there was no other thought in his mind other than the fact that he needed his baby to be safe.
Remus got back up, it was his time, he grabbed what he got from the drawer earlier, two bottles of pills, he opened the bottle and started taking pills, he knew how much would kill him.
Sirius unlocked the door, he ran through Remus’s place looking for any lights, the rest still going through the snow as he found the room with the lights on, Sirius started banging against the door, trying to get Remus to open it, but he couldn’t get a response.
“REMUS” Sirius screamed, he slammed against the door over and over again, time felt like it wasn’t moving, he was so close to him but so close to losing him. “PLEASE” Sirius couldn’t help but yell.
Sirius was finally able to break through the door and get to Remus.
There he found Remus and his scars, his bandages, and in the end, Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him to their room, he knew that he never wanted anyone to see his scars, but he trusted Sirius enough if he did see them.
The two collapsed on the floor, Remus was in tears. “I-I’m sorry.” Remus struggled to speak. “How much did you take?” Sirius’s panic could be heard through the entire house. “Not enough to kill me, you stopped me.” Sirius kissed Remus. “I’m so sorry moony, I won’t let this happen again, I’ll take care of you, I’ll make sure you know you’re my first priority.”
Remus couldn’t answer, but he adjusted himself and sent himself into sirus’s chest. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m sorry I didn’t notice before you had to hurt yourself to be able to stick with me, I’m sorry I almost let you go.”
Remus tapped Sirius, they had set up words for when Remus couldn’t speak. “I promise you’re fine Remus, I’m not letting you go, I’m never going to leave you.”
“You won’t have to deal with anything alone ever again moony, you’re going to be safe, I’m never going to let anyone hurt you, I’m going to keep you safe, no matter what.”
Sirius cried, holding Remus tighter, his hand balled up in Remus’s hair, holding him in his chest. Sirius rubbed his other hand up and down Remus’s back, he was trying to get his breathing back In check.
“Breathe baby breathe, I’m here, you’re always going to have me beside you, can you take deep breaths for me?”
Remus nodded as much as he could, Sirius kept rubbing his back, having Remus match that with his breathing, he needed to make sure his heart didn’t beat too fast.
Sirius picked Remus up and carried him, he carried him to the kitchen and made him drink some milk, then he laid down in the bed and held Remus, he took enough to have to be watched but it wasn’t going to hurt him.
“I’m so glad you’re safe now moony, I couldn’t live without you, I want you to know that.”
The two were down in the bed, Sirius wanted to calm Remus to sleep so he could properly take care of his body, his bandages were falling off.
Sirius waited until Remus fell asleep and laid him down, he got a warm washcloth and bandages, he gently lifted the bandages off of Remus and started to clean them, he worked slowly and carefully, he never took his eyes off of Remus for any longer than to soak the towel again.
Sirius put new bandages over Remus and made sure they wouldn’t fall off, he wiped Remus’s face, his eyes were puffy, he kissed his forehead before setting Remus back on his chest, he rubbed his back and held his head close to him, he laid there awake so he could watch Remus and make sure that if he woke up in a panic, he had Sirius there to help him.
Remus woke up the next morning, and Sirius was holding his face, his thumbs under Remus’s eyes. “I’m so glad you’re alive moony, I can’t live without you.” Remus smiled. He knew he was safe now, he knew that Sirius wasn’t going to leave him, he felt terrible for what he did but he knew Sirius would still accept him.
Sirius rubbed circles on Remus’s cheeks. “I’ll always be here moony, just for you.” Remus kissed Sirius, and then Sirius kissed his forehead.
“I love you Sirius, you saved me”
“I love you moony, so much more than I can show.”
The two lay quiet for a bit before Sirius checked up on him again. “Do you need anything moony?” Remus sat there, completely engulfed in sirus’s love.
“You Sirius, I just need you.”