Hogwarts isn't safe anymore. Not that it was the safest place in the world, as some say, mind you. But now it's not safe at all.
What used to be harmless pranks turned into attacks. She can't go a day without people calling her awful things or threatening her with death.
She can't go anywhere alone, neither can Lily. Their friends are always with them everywhere they go. Because it isn't safe. It's all so unfair, it's stupid, it's terrifying.
She's terrified. She doesn't want to show it but she knows her friends know. Sirius doesn't leave her alone for a minute, and even if he's annoying, she's so grateful to have him as a friend.
Marlene is also always with her, but Mary guesses that in the grand scheme of everything, there's some worse things than having her girlfriend by her side all the time.
"I have to pee." Mary announces to her group of friends.
They're all having a peaceful day in the sun and by the lake, a rare sight these days. The boys, Marlene and Lily, are usually getting detention for hexing blood-supremacists, or bullying death eaters. They're always fighting, but she can't find herself being mad at them for it anymore.
James and Lily are nearly in the lake, bickering over something Mary doesn't know, it's always something new with those two. She knows that anytime now James is going to end up in the lake, pushed by Lily. Peter and Remus are talking and laughing about something she also doesn't know. She wasn't paying that much attention to them, only focusing on Marlene' head on her lap and her soft hair between her fingers.
Sirius, who's laying on the grass with his head on Remus' lap, opens his eyes and looks at her. "Okay, I'll go with you."
Mary smiles at him and feels guilty for ruining his rather peaceful moment. "It's okay, I can go alone."
Sirius opens his mouth, probably to argue back, but Marlene interrupts him. "I'll go with her, you stay here."
"I can go with both of you." Sirius shrugs.
"Sirius, I want to snog my girlfriend alone. Stay here." Marlene rolls her eyes at him and Mary blushes.
She really has to pee, but if the opportunity stands when she's out of the loo, who's her to deny such a thing?
Marlene stands and offers a hand to her, Mary immediately takes it and stands up too, fixing her skirt with his hands.
Sirius huffs. "Okay, be careful."
"Yes, Sirius." Marlene says with a fond smile. Mary kneels and kisses Sirius on the cheek before following Marlene to the castle.
They walk in silence, hand in hand, for a moment before Mary speaks again.
"He's like a guardian dog." Marlene laughs at her comment.
Mary feels her heart stop for a moment, Marlene laughing is always a beautiful view, one that became rare these days. Mary is glad she's still one of the people who can make her smile like that.
"He is, he worries a lot. With good reason." Marlene shrugs, a little smile still on her face.
"He is lovely." Mary smiles fondly, Sirius Black is a person who makes it impossible for you to hate him.
"Yes, but I wasn't going to let him come. Is a rather nice day, I don't want to step out of the loo to find him bleeding or hexed in the hallway." She frowns, smile disappearing.
Mary nods. That's true. These days the worst thing you could be is a muggleborn, and to some people even a half-blood. But it's also pretty awful to be a blood traitor. Especially a Black blood traitor.
James and Peter are privileged, and they know it. Marlene is a pureblood too but she's also a woman, there's no place in this world for women to be the privileged ones. Remus is a half-blood, Lily and her are muggleborn.
And Sirius, pureblood, blood traitor, disowned heir of one of the most powerful and ancient houses of the wizarding world, is treated by people like he's the worst thing ever.
It's not as bad as Mary, Lily and even Remus have it. Mary thinks that's why he doesn't say anything, and also because he's pretty good at defending himself. But it's still bad, especially in Hogwarts.
Mary thinks, and hopes, that maybe outside of Hogwarts, his status as a Black, even if he was disowned, is worth something. She just doesn't want him to get hurt.
"The prettiest person in Hogwarts first." Marlene stops at the bathroom entrance and opens the door for her.
"Then why aren't you going in already?" Mary raises an eyebrow at her and Marlene blushes.
God, how she loves that woman.
Mary pecks her in the lips and pushes her inside. "C'mon pretty one, I'm about to pee myself."
Mary rushes to the bathroom and Marlene laughs at her. "Why didn't you say sooner?"
"Shut up." Mary laughs too. "It's because of this situation, I find it all so annoying."
"What do you find annoying?"
"That I have to be with all of you all the time."
Marlene doesn't answer, when Mary steps out of the cubicle she sees her frowning at the floor. She goes to the sink to wash her hands. "Why are you looking at the floor like that? What did he do to you?" Marlene shrugs and gives her a little smile. Mary smiles back. “Can we go to the dormitory? I want my book.”
“Sure.”
They start to walk again, hand in hand, but this time the silence feels heavy. Mary wonders why, what happened or what she said.
When they enter the dormitory, Mary immediately searches for her book under her bed. She always falls asleep reading it and it ends up on the floor.
“Found it!” She sing-songs smiling at her girlfriend.
Marlene looks back at her, frowning. "Do you find my company annoying?"
Mary frowns too, confused at the sudden question. "What? No."
"You said you find it annoying having to be with us all the time." Marlene shrugs.
Oh, that was the silence.
"Oh, I didn't mean it like that." Mary smiles at her. "I like your company, the guys and Lily's too, but especially your company. I find it annoying that it is something I can't choose to have."
Marlene looks confused at her. Mary sighs. "I like my freedom, Marls. I like to be with you but I also like to choose to be with you. I like to choose when I want to hang out with my friends and even if I want to. All of this is annoying.”
“We just want the best for you, we worry.”
“I know, babe. I’m not saying I’m mad at you or something like that, I appreciate what you do. I’m just tired.”
“Tired?” Marlene tilts her head, waiting for her to explain.
“Tired of everything, this is our last year. It was supposed to be great, to be something to remember. And now I just desperately want it to end. I’m just tired of Hogwarts already. I love it, but I’m tired. I’m done with it, with this war, and people hating me for something so stupid.”
Marlene nods, Mary knows she doesn’t exactly understand. But she tries, she always listens and tries, and that’s worth everything.
“The guys were talking, the other day. About what to do after Hogwarts.” Marlene leans on the bed, looking at her. “They’re gonna fight. All of them.”
Mary frowns at her. “What? I thought Sirius wanted to be a healer, and James a quidditch player.”
“They do, they think they’re going to do it after the war ends. I think Remus and Lily are trying to convince Sirius to be a healer, for the war if he wants to, but to do it after he graduates. Lily’s gonna do that.”
“That makes sense, to be a healer was Sirius' dream since I can remember.” Mary nods. “What about Remus?”
“He didn’t say. I guess he’s gonna fight too, and if the three of them do it then Peter’s gonna do it too.” Marlene smiles.
Mary nods, frowning. She doesn’t like this at all. She always knew her friends weren’t going to just step aside and watch everything from the sidelines. But a selfish part of her wanted them to. She just wants them to be safe, all of them.
It’s all so fucking unfair, they’re still children. Why are they talking about war? About fighting? It’s all so fucked up and unfair, and annoying and unfair and-
A sudden realization hits Mary in the face. She drops her book.
Marlene said that James, Remus and Peter are going to fight. She said that Lily's going to be a healer, a war healer, and hopefully Sirius too.
She didn’t say what she is going to do after she graduates.
Mary looks at her, trying no to seem so nauseous as she feels. “Are you gonna fight too? In this stupid war.”
Marlene looks at her for a moment, seemingly out of words, before she sighs and answers. “You already know the answer to that, lover.” Mary closes her eyes.
She wants to throw up, she wants to scream, to cry.
“Please.” It comes out as barely a whisper. “Please, Marls.” Mary looks at her and Marlene looks away. “Don’t. Don’t do it.”
“Mary.” Marlene sighs.
“Let’s just go, together. Far, far away. There’s no need to fight. You can just go, step aside. Please.” Mary feels so close to kneeling in front of her to beg for it, she’s so scared.
“I can’t.” Marlene shakes her head. “I can’t just go, I can’t step aside. I can’t do it.” She barely whispered it but Mary heard her.
She knew people could break a heart without meaning to, but she didn't know it did not necessarily have to be a breakup or a messy fight. She didn’t realize people could break hearts with gentle words, and a mere whisper.
She never felt that pain in her chest before.
She fights the urge to cry, and looks at her in the eyes, trying not to look like she just felt the pain of a thousand cuts. “Not even for me?”
Marlene frowns. “Mary, I’m gonna do it for you. I’m gonna fight for you. For a better world for you.” Mary shakes her head but Marlene doesn’t let her talk. “You just told me you loved it but that you were tired of it. That this, this fucking war, made you feel like this over something you love! It’s your right to, it’s Lily’s right to. You love it, you’re allowed to love it, you deserve it, as much as everyone else.”
Mary can’t fight the tears anymore. Marlene looks at her. “I’m not gonna step aside when I know that you live scared. And I live with the fear that something’s gonna happen to you, I can't even imagine how you feel! I can’t just ignore that, I have to do something, I have to try and fix it for you.”
Mary sobs. “I don’t want you to fix it, I don’t want you to fight for it. I don't. I don’t care.”
“I do, lover. And I know that deep down you do care. And it’s okay. What’s not okay it’s people trying to fucking take away from you something that’s your right. You have magic, you are magic. You’re part of the wizarding world, and you deserve to be. No one is going to take that away from you as long as I live.” Marlene walks to her and grabs her face in her hands, wiping away the tears.
“Let them take it, I don’t want it if this is what it takes.”
“You should want it.” Marlene frowns at her and Mary takes a step back, out of her touch.
“I don’t want it.” Mary frowns at Marlene’s sigh. “I’m serious, take it, I don’t fucking care.”
“You do, you care and you want it.”
Mary feels the tears streaming down her face, and a rage in her body. “I WANT YOU ALIVE!” Marlene flinches at her raised voice. “I want you fucking alive, I want to be with you and for that you need to be alive, Marlene. How could you not understand that?”
Marlene looks at her with sad eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Mary shakes her head.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“I’m the one choosing! I don’t care about living in the fucking wizarding world, and having a fucking wizard job. I used to live like a muggle, I know what it is like, and it’s amazing too. So fuck them! If they don’t want me in their world then fine! I’m not going to be part of their world.” Mary looks at her, suddenly so angry.
Marlene frowns at her. “It’s your world too.”
“I don’t fucking care Marlene! I choose you! I choose you over this fucking world, that despises me, every day.”
“I can’t accept that.”
“It’s MY choice!”
“It shouldn’t be! Mary you’re not understanding, you shouldn't have to choose. We can fight it, we can win.” Marlene also looks angry.
She knows they’re not angry at each other, they’re angry at the world, at the war, at how fucking unfair this is.
But God, it feels bad to be at the end of Marlene's angry stare.
“I understand Marlene. I understand better than you do.” Mary shrugs. “I know it’s unfair, life is unfair to me since the moment I was born as a black woman from immigrant parents. And then, even more, since the moment I took a step in here being a black woman from immigrant muggle parents.”
Marlene closes her eyes and sighs. “We can win, we have the power to.”
“This is a war, there’s no winners in war, only survivors. I refuse to be a survivor.” Mary gives her a sad smile. “And I don’t want you to be a survivor either, or even worse. I don’t want to even think about it.”
“The very next day after we graduate, I’m saying goodbye to the wizarding world.” Mary walks to her and holds Marlene’s head in her hands, forcing her to look at her eyes. “Please, come with me.”
A single tear falls down Marlene’s face and Mary takes it as what it is, a denial.
Mary sobs and hides her face in Marlene’s neck, and she hugs her by the waist, crying too and whispering apologies over and over again.
Please, sorry and thank you. The first things her parents made sure she knew how to correctly say.
Mary was always good at doing what her parents say.
"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please." She's not even embarrassed of begging like this. "Please, Marlene."
Marlene hugs her more tightly, not answering. Mary cries harder.
She thought she was used to life being a bitch to her, it turns out she's not. She's fucking not.
This is the most devastating feeling ever. And even if she knows there's still months left until graduation, somehow it already feels like a goodbye.
She's not ready to say goodbye to Marlene. She thinks she's never going to be ready to say goodbye to her.
"Mary, hey, hey, listen to me lover." Mary shakes her head. "Look at me, please. This is important."
Mary takes her head out of Marlene's neck to find she's crying too, her beautiful eyes are red and her face is full of tears.
Marlene puts her hands on Mary's cheek. "I'll be waiting." Mary sobs. "I'll wait forever for you, if you ever want to come back, I'll be here and I'll be waiting for you."
She wishes this wasn't happening, she didn't want to have this conversation today, nor ever.
She wants to crawl inside Marlene's chest and hide there. Forever.
She wants to take Marlene with her. She wants her to go with her.
She wants her to choose her. And she knows that's not fair, because she is choosing her. In her Marlene way, she's choosing her.
She loves Marlene, just as she is. Brave. A fighter. Soft. Not afraid to die for the people she loves. Not afraid to stand for what she think it's right.
She never imagined that the things she loves the most about her were going to be the same things that hurt her the most some day.
"I'll stay."
"No."
"Yes, I'll stay with you. I don't want to leave you."
Marlene closes her eyes, hurt on her face. "Mary, you're gonna resent me if you stay."
"I'm not." Marlene shakes her head. "I'm not, Marlene. I'll learn to love it, I'll learn to be there for you when you're fighting. I can't leave you."
Marlene sighs, trying to hold herself back from crying even more.
"You're gonna graduate, and you'll leave. Okay?" Mary shakes her head. "Yes, lover. You're going to live a long, long, life, safe, in the muggle world and however you want it. And if you decide someday that what you want is to be back in this world, I'll be here. We'll be here, waiting for you."
Mary sobs, sitting in Marlene's bed. "I don't want to."
"Yes, you do. What's waiting here, what's coming, is not a life for you Mary." Marlene kneels in front of her.
And Mary hates it. She hates that she's right.
She hates the fact that she wants to live so badly, that she wants to enjoy living. She hates that she doesn't want to be in the shadows, scared, with someone with her all the time so she doesn't get hurt.
She wants to live a full life, a fun one. She doesn't want to fight.
She hates the fact that she's not like them, that she's not willing to exchange her life for what's right, for a better world.
She hates how selfish she is.
She hates that Marlene's not like her. She hates how much she loves Marlene, that it hurts her so bad the fact that she would give her life in a heartbeat if it means the end of the war.
And she hates that, even if she's trying to convince Marlene and herself, she knows she'll never learn to love that life. A dangerous one. A life where she lives in constant worry for her loved one.
Mary closes her eyes, trying to stop the crying. Marlene is still in front of her, her soft sobs piercing through Mary's ears like needles.
"I need a nap." She announces, abruptly ending the conversation. Marlene looks at her with confusion in her eyes. She shrugs. "I'm tired."
"Sirius is going to worry."
"If you want to, you go and tell him I'll be here. Or you can nap with me. He'll know where we are, they have a way to always know where we are." Mary leans back in the bed, making space beside her for Marlene.
Marlene joins her in the bed, holding her by the waist. She closes her eyes and makes herself comfortable in Marlene's arms.
"I love you." Marlene says.
It feels like the real end of the conversation, after Mary stopped it. It's not like there was going to be an agreement either way.
"I love you too." She grabs Marlene's hand and gives it a kiss. "So much."
She doesn't sleep.
It's very late in the night when Sirius finds Mary alone in the common room, quietly sobbing.
He places himself beside her and hugs her without saying a word.
After a moment, when she can't stand to keep crying without saying anything, and feeling Sirius soft touches in her hair, she speaks.
"You are going to fight in the war."
It's not a question, Sirius answers it either way. "Yes, I think I'm going to be a healer too. Remus and Lily are into something."
"You should. You'd be an amazing one."
"Thank you, honey." Sirius smiles softly at her, still caressing her hair.
"I'm not." Mary almost chokes on the words. "Gonna fight, I mean. I'm not gonna fight."
Sirius nods. "Okay."
"You're not allowed to call me a coward for it." Mary sighs.
"Why would I?" He looks at her, confused. "I think your choice is very brave, Mary."
Without meaning to, she starts to cry again. "I'm not like you, I don't want to fight. I'm so selfish."
"Mary." Sirius looks at her in the eyes and holds her face. "We all are selfish, we live in a selfish world. I bet if you start asking our reasons to fight you're going to find at least one that's selfish. " Mary laughs, still crying. Sirius wipes her tears softly. "I think choosing your safety over fighting in a fucking war, it's the best selfish thing ever."
Mary hugs him, fully crying on his shoulder. "I'm going to lose you, all of you."
"You're not, we'll be here. And we will always be there for you if you need us." Sirius whispers.
Mary chooses not to answer, instead of saying how he doesn't know that for sure. How there's people dying every day and it could be any of them any time soon.
She hugs him more tightly, wishing she could protect him. Wishing she could protect all of them.
Knowing she can't.
"Luckily, it'll be just some years before things are great again." Sirius says, pulling back from the hug. "But we don't have to worry about that now, go back to her."
Mary nods and smiles at him, he gives him a kiss on the cheek and walks to the stairs.
She slips back into the bed beside Marlene, careful not to make any noise.
"Where were you?" She asks, half-asleep.
"Bathroom." Mary lies. Marlene nods and hugs her by the waist, pulling her closer.
Mary smiles, she's so in love it's starting to hurt.
When she finally falls asleep is feeling Marlene's warmth on her back, and her soft snores on her neck.
Pretending it's not going to end soon. Pretending that that's how she's going to fall asleep every day for the rest of her life.
Knowing it won't be.