Remus wrapped his arms tighter around his partner, burying his head into the nape of his neck and not caring about the long strips of hair that fell over his face. They had both been up late, decorating, rearranging the nursery again. No matter how many times they changed it around, Sirius never seemed satisfied. It had to be perfect, absolutely perfect, he'd said.
Everything was almost ready, there was a cot in the bottom corner of the room, the one Remus and James had built together. Sirius had tried to help, but it had ended with him purposely taking away screws and bolts every now and then to wind up James so Remus had kicked him out of the room, and instead sent him off to help Lily pick up some books and toys from the store.
When it was just the two of then, James and Remus, they usually would have gotten the cot put together rather quickly, but for some reason it just didn't seem to be going right. One of the legs had been put on upside down and the bars just wouldn't seem to stay together. In a fit of frustration, Remus had thrown his screwdriver to the other side of the room and slunk down on his knees with a huff.
James looked up from the wooden beams he was twirling around and then, with a concerned look on his face, he carefully started to push away any other tools lying around his friend. The bespectacled boy moved them all to the side and slunk in front of Remus, resting his hands on the scarred boy's knees.
"What is it Moony?" James whispered, voice gentle and calming. Remus lifted his head up to reveal the tears that had fallen from his eyes and James instantly wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him in closer as Remus let out a sob.
James rubbed soothing circles on his back, shushing gently into his ear till Remus' breathing had softened. Then he pulled back, hands still resting on Moony's shoulders, as he tilted his head curiously. "What is it? Are you nervous?" he asked and Remus nodded, keeping his golden brown eyes locked on his friend.
"What if I can't do it, James?" he breathed. The man in question furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head a little. "Do what?"
Remus pointed around them, the room was a mess. Bits and pieces of wood and screws lay around them in patterns, and not just from the cot. There were also the baby safety gates, the changing table, boxes of car seats and high chairs lay around unopened and all waiting to be set up.
James followed his gesture and then let out a soft chuckle. "We can do it Rem, we'll even read the instructions if we need to. Pete's coming over after work as-well, I'll call Marlene, her and Dorcas can- "
"It's not the furniture," Remus sobbed, eyes tearing up even more. He kicked at the cardboard box the cot had come from, sending it falling over. James glanced over at it, wincing as the strength of the kick sent the cardboard pushing down the other boxes like dominos, causing Remus to only cry harder.
James stood up and steadied the boxes, wiping a hand over his brow with a chuckle. "Let's not take it out on the cardboard, shall we?" he hummed. Remus glanced up through his tears to glare at him and James laughed lightly, coming to sit in front of him again.
He reached out and grabbed one of the brunette's hands, rubbing his thumb over one of the larger scars across his knuckles. "Talk to me Moons," he exhaled.
Remus let out a strained breath and looked up to meet his gaze. "It's this, all of this. I can't even put a bloody cot together. How am I supposed to look after a child?"
James squeezed his palm, never taking his eyes off Remus as he gestured for him to carry on. That was the thing with James, he always knew when Remus was holding back on something, when there was something else he wanted to say but didn't know how.
Remus sucked in a breath. "What if I don't know how to be a dad... I'm a fucking werewolf, what if I just don't have those instincts... What if I'm bad at it? What if I hurt it... fuck, I mean her, not it. See, she's not even born yet and I'm already doing an awful job," he cried, looking down at the ground shamefully.
James reached out and grabbed his shoulder, keeping his other hand tangled in Remus' as the man sobbed quietly. "Hey.. hey listen to me... You're going to be a great dad, being... a werewolf... that has nothing to do with your heart," the bespectacled boy tried, moving one of his hands down to Remus chest and patting it. "You've got a good heart, you always did. There's no way you'd hurt her."
The other boy just let out another sob, shaking his head frantically.
"You know that's not true... she's going to be so small... so small. Moon aside, I could drop her... I could use too much strength without realising and crush her... I don't know what I'm doing... Sirius, he's so excited... so ready," he spat.
"Just because Pads is excited, that doesn't mean he isn't scared too," James started, only for Remus to scoff and interrupt him.
"He's already started planning her first birthday party. He's the one that bought all this because I didn't know where to start," Remus exhaled. James tilted his head to the side, "yeah but Lily went with him, if he'd have gone alone he'd have probably bought a kingsize bed instead of a cot," he laughed, Remus shook his head.
"He's the one that's organised everything, he wrote down all the dates for Dora's hospital appointments because I kept getting them mixed up. Merlin, he's already her father, and he's so good at it and I'm just... I'm just destroying furniture," he sobbed, pointing to the knocked over boxes.
James moved his hand back to his friend's shoulder and squished it, forcing Remus to look up at him. "Remember your revision classes in school?" the darker-haired boy asked. Remus scoffed through a sob and rubbed a hand over his cheek. "What has that got to do with it?"
"Everything," James replied steadily. "All those kids, especially the younger ones, they'd rather come to you than some of the actual teachers."
Remus sniffed, rubbing at his eyes with both hands. "Yeah, because I was a student, easier to talk to than the teachers."
James shook his head quickly and his expression got sterner. "No, it was because you're Moony. They knew you cared enough to help, that you wanted to. They all trusted you, not because you were one of them, but because you're just... so you."
Remus sighed, burying his face in his hands with a grunt. James reached forward and grabbed onto his arms. "You're going to be a great father... you have the patience of a saint," he chuckled lightly. The taller boy peered up through his hands and let out a breathy noise.
"Yeah, I have to be, to deal with you and Sirius."
James smiled brightly. "See, you're already experienced," he said, and Remus snorted, shaking his head fondly.
"You've got this, I've never been more sure of anything in my life... And you're not going to be alone, Moons. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere, neither is Lily, Pete, Mary, Marls, Tonks... we're all here, whether you need someone to take the night shift or get you incredibly shitfaced. We've got your backs, you and Sirius, we're all in this together."
Remus let out a breath, wiping at another tear. "Thank you Prongs," he whispered. James nodded, still smiling. He squeezed his shoulder again before picking up the screwdriver.
"Now how about we do this properly this time, no dominos," James hummed.
Remus laughed lightly and nodded, reaching for the instructions.
He thought back to the memory with a fond smile, looking away from the cot toward the darkness leaking in from the hallway. His sharpened eyes focused easier in the dark sometimes, maybe it was the sensitivity of the light, anyway, it didn't take long for his focus to settle on the room opposite him, freshly painted just over a month ago now. He could still see through the doorway where the paisley green walls now sat, a bit of paint had splashed on the white door but he hadn't fixed it yet, mostly because it made him chuckle.
He thought back to the day he'd painted the room, with Lily's help.
Remus hadn't picked the colour, because he couldn't settle on one, but Lily had been adamant on the paisley tones, said it was a nurturing colour, that it would bring comfort to the baby while she slept.
She stood on a stool, painting the tops of the walls while Remus painted the wall by the door, cringing a little at the colour as he brushed it over the beige wall.
"You know, Sirius is going to throw a fit when he sees this," he snorted. Lily swivelled her head towards him and shrugged, pointing a dripping green paintbrush in his direction. "Oh, Sirius can sod off," she scoffed.
Remus let out a laugh, stopping his neat brushing technique to turn toward her as she continued.
"He can't hate a colour that's absurd, we aren't even in school anymore."
"You know Gryffindor spirit doesn't just stay in the confines of Hogwarts, especially when it comes to Sirius and James," Remus mused. Lily held her head back with a grumble, "those boys are ridiculous."
A smirk fell on the brunette's lips and he scrunched his eyes up humouredly. "We're the ones marrying them."
Lily chuckled and sighed, smiling fondly. "Yeah, I guess we're really the fools," she said. "Idiots really," Remus added. "We've put up with them this long, and now we're signing on for the rest of our lives," he teased.
Lily jumped down from the stool and walked toward him. "At least mine is somewhat sensible," she shrugged mischievously. Remus laughed loudly and raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, are we talking about the same person? There's not a sensible bone in James Potter's body."
The red head hummed, folding her arms across her chest. "At least he didn't buy a motorbike and not tell me about it."
Remus widened his eyes with a shocked chuckle and leaned forward. "Oh really? Well, at least mine didn't get sent to St. Mundos for jumping off Gryffindor tower with a sheet, thinking he could make his own parachute."
He moved backwards as a green tipped paint brush was pointed in his face. "We both know that was Sirius' idea," she said. Remus smirked, "James still did it."
Lily rolled back on her heels with a sigh. "Yeah... we really are idiots," she laughed, Remus joined in and nodded, glancing over at their work so far. He stood up to see half the walls a bright paisley colour and sighed happily.
Lily clapped him on the back, "see I knew you would like it!" Remus rolled his head around his shoulders toward her and laughed, "yeah... you were right, it's quite nice, don't tell Sirius though."
The red head smiled cunningly and shook her head. "He'll like it too, he just won't admit it... I can't believe you guys are having a baby."
"Me neither," Remus replied with a sigh. She glanced over at him then worriedly. "Are you okay?" Lily asked.
Remus rubbed at the back of his neck, closing his eyes a little. "Yeah... just... a bit scared," he admitted. The red head nodded understandingly and moved closer, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Do you think we made the right decision? Having this baby... I mean, we're in the middle of a war," he whispered.
"Do you love him?" Lily asked, the brunette scrunched up his eyebrows and glanced down at her but she just shrugged and asked again. "Do you love him?"
"Unconditionally," Remus breathed.
Lily smiled, not taking her eyes off the freshly painted wall. "Do you want this? Do you want this for you? Not just for Sirius, but for you?"
Remus let out an awkward sort of noise. "Of course, but the timing... the war..."
"Don't think about the war... Wars have always been around, we don't know when this one will end and when the next one will start. Don't wait for the world to change Remus, we still have to live. Do you want this, with him, with her?"
"There's nothing I want more..." he exhaled, letting his head rest a top of hers on his shoulder.
The red head's smile brightened. "Then that's all that matters."
They stayed there for a few seconds, just watching the paint dry, entangled in each other's arm.
Till the door opened and a gasp of shock fell from Sirius' mouth.
"Why is my daughter's room green?" he screeched, staring at the pair blankly.
Remus widened his eyes, glancing down at Lily, but she just smiled and pulled her paintbrush forward, flicking it with a twist of her wrist.
A splash landed on Sirius' cheek, blending into the furious red colour that was already there.
"See, it's harmless," Lily quipped, stepping forward toward Sirius and dabbing the brush in the pot in front of him, before painting a green stripe down his face. Sirius let out a dangerous chuckle and grabbed her by the waist, causing Lily to shriek and giggle as he spun her around, the paintbrush now in the black-haired boy's grip as he painted a streak over her forehead.
Remus raised an eyebrow at the pair, shaking his head fondly before quietly stepping past them into the hallway, keeping his head down to go uncovered.
"And where do you think you're going?" Lily hummed from behind, Remus let out a breathy laugh and stalked forward, eager to get away, but a hand gripped onto the back of his arm. He was spun around swiftly and met with daring grey eyes, a green splotched hand slapped gently against his cheek, splashing a slither of paint with the connection.
Remus stuck his tongue to the bridge of his mouth, letting out a false annoyed snort as he stared at Sirius, who just grinned cheekily in response.
Remus grabbed onto Sirius' belt loops, pulling him in by his hips whilst the man's still paint covered hands remained on Remus' cheeks, painting him a pale green. He laughed and moved in to kiss Sirius, only for them to both flinch away with a startle as a thick brush of paint swept across both of their cheeks.
They pulled back to see Lily stood beside them with the brush and a mischievous look on her face.
Remus smiled at the memory, then leaned back against his pillow, shuffling slightly; he just couldn't get to sleep, no matter how hard he tried.
At the disconnection, Sirius turned around and buried his head into Remus' arm, letting out a mumble. Remus glanced down, pushing the hair out of the man's face before humming questionably.
"You can't sleep either, Moons?" Sirius whispered, nestling into his side. Remus smiled and bent down, placing a delicate kiss on the man's forehead. He opened his grey eyes and smiled sleepily.
Remus shook his head in response. "She's a week late, I don't think I'm gonna sleep till the baby's here."
Sirius let out a yawn, then shuffled up till his back was against the headboard, Remus followed suit.
"Me neither..." the shorter man sighed, Remus reached down and connected their hands. "I hope she has your eyes," Sirius breathed after a second of silence.
Remus glanced down and tilted his head. Sirius brushed his fingers over his thumb gently. "Well, I'll love her either way of course... but I just... I keep thinking about how... she's not technically mine."
"Sirius..."
"No, it's fine, really. We talked about this, and this is how I wanted to do it, I don't want her to have black blood, it's a curse... that family... I don't want her having anything to do with it.. or my mother having any hold on her, any connection. This way was better..." he whispered, brushing his fingers across Remus' arm now, gently smoothing over one of his scars whilst the taller man listened.
"But... I still want to be able to look at her and see some connection to myself. She'll grow up with me, she'll have my mannerisms, my mischief, I'm sure of it," he smiled. Remus hummed in false disappointment, causing Sirius to laugh.
He tilted his head to the side, looking up into Remus' eyes. "But Merlin, I hope she has your eyes... because they've always been mine, my safety net, my warmth... I've always been able to look across a crowded room and find you first, find comfort in the way you look at me... you hold so much in your eyes Moony, so much emotion, passion... it's the first thing I look for whenever I'm feeling down, when the... when the nightmares hit... I wake up and the first thing I look for in the dark are your eyes... and they're always there, always... they're the first thing I see."
Remus reached down and kissed his forehead, bringing a hand up to cradle Sirius' cheek. The dark-haired boy was looking up at him with such love, such wonder, as if he held the most previous things in the universe.
"You hold the whole night sky, the way you light me up... and I hope she shares even a slither of that, so when I look at her, I can see you."
Remus knitted his eyebrows together, brushing his thumb over Sirius' cheek and lifting his face a little to study his expression. "You can see me anytime you want, darling?" he whispered.
Sirius smiled brightly. "I know, I just can't wait to see more of you, to see her... she's going to be wonderful Remus, I just know it."
His pale hand came up over Remus', holding it there on his cheek as they looked at each other and, just like every time, like the first time, Remus felt his breath hitch in his throat. Sirius smirked a little and lifted himself up, closing the gap between them with a soft brush of lips, just a tiny pressure that Remus might have thought he'd imagined if Sirius wasn't in his arms right now.
He pulled his hand up, placing it on Sirius' other cheek and pulling him impossibly closer, connecting their lips for a second time.
The world span, leaving them alone for a moment, away from the war, from Dumbledore and his never ending letters, from the grief that still haunted them over Regulus' death. Time and space stopped to give them the chance to breathe each other in, like it did every time, and still, it was never long enough.
The phone on Remus' bed-side table rang, pulling them out of it. They glanced at each other with wide eyes; it was the middle of the night, so that call either meant someone was dead, or someone was about to be given life.
Remus froze, hands still gripping Sirius' cheeks as he swallowed tightly. Sirius moved in again, kissing Remus on the lips briefly before leaning over him and picking up the phone.
"Hello?" he asked, slightly shakily. Remus watched as his face twisted with relief and then fear and then confusion all at once.
"Okay, okay... We're on our way, just breathe... I don't know Tonky, that's just what they say," he sneered, holding a hand over the phone to pull back and smile at Remus.
"It's time, Moons," he mouthed, before pulling the phone back to his ear. "Do you want me to come pick you up? Okay, okay, no motorbike... we'll meet you there. I'll call Lil's... Tonks?... thank you," he breathed, anxiety and joy both filling his voice.
Remus still hadn't moved, his eyes stuck on the phone in Sirius' hand as his breathing started to quicken. He didn't even realise Sirius was now on the phone with Lily till he heard James yell from the other end of the line.
"We're having a baby?! Now?!"
"No, James, they are having a baby. Get dressed!"
"Tomato, Tamato... oh my god... I'm going to be an uncle... fuck, Pads! You're going to be a dad."
Sirius let out a nervous titter, almost tripping over as he tried to pull his jeans up with one hand. Remus just blinked, looking down at his hands, that were getting slightly blurred.
Suddenly a pale hand grabbed onto them and Remus looked up to see Sirius studying him, face full of concern. The phone was tucked between his ear and his shoulder and his jeans were halfway up his legs, but still he gripped Remus' face between his hands and searched his face.
"Sirius? Sirius everything okay?" Lily's voice called from the phone. Sirius nodded, even though she couldn't see him, and leaned his head into the muggle device. "Yeah, Moony just looks like he's about to pass out."
Remus heard Lily laugh from the other side of the phone. "Well, that seems about right. Get him some water, then get a move on!"
"Yes sergeant," Sirius laughed, hanging up the phone and letting it fall to the ground as he reached forward, planting a kiss on Remus' forehead.
"Let's go get out baby girl, ey?"
Most of the night seemed to pass by in a blur. Somehow Sirius had gotten himself and Remus dressed and managed to apparate them both to St Mungo's, with well too many bags. Gifts and flowers for Tonks, baby clothes, nappies, a car seat despite the fact they hadn't brought a car.
Remus didn't even feel his legs moving as Sirius pulled him along into the waiting room. As soon as they got inside, everything became a little overwhelming.
Marlene was sitting on the far side of the seats fast asleep, with her legs sprawled out across Dorcas, who was holding a little black cat teddy. There were tears in her eyes that didn't seem to be from joy as she stared down at the little black cat.
Mary was standing up, rambling frantically to a nurse who looked desperate to get away, but Macdonald, as usual, was relentless, asking question after question.
A few seats down, Peter was sitting, leaning forward nervously with his trembling hands in his mouth, chewing on his fingernails. James had been sitting beside him, but he'd jumped up as soon as Remus and Sirius entered the room, waking Marlene up with a shriek as he wrapped his arms around the pair of them with a large sob.
"I... Ican'tbelieve... we'rehavingbaby, it's happening... we'regoingtobeafamily," he cried incoherently. Sirius smiled and placed his hand on the back of James' head, pulling him in closer as tears welled up in his own eyes.
"Prongs... stopyouaregoingtomakemecry," he blurted, his voice already turning into a sob. Remus was stiff in-between them, keeping his eyes on the ground as both of their shoulders began to shake with mutual sobbing.
"You'rehavingababymerliniloveyouguyssomuch," James wailed pathetically, hands around both of them. Sirius let out a competing sob and rested his head against the bespectacled boy's shoulder. "Iloveyoumoreohmygodthisisactuallyhappeningi'msogladyou'rehererightnow."
"There'snowhereelsei'dratherbelet'shavethisbaby," James sobbed back. Remus looked aloof, stood at the side awkwardly, not even reciprocating James' hug, because his arms wouldn't let him.
"... James for merlin's sake," Lily's voice sounded from somewhere. Remus had noticed the lack of her in the room, and the emptiness he'd felt till he heard her voice. He peered up over James' shoulder to see her standing with a tray of coffee and gave her a pleading look.
Lily placed the tray down onto the table abruptly and rushed forward, yanking Remus by the arm to pull him away, leaving the other two to sob into each other's shoulders very loudly and unclearly. No one could understand a word they were saying through the whining.
The red head forced Remus down onto a seat and kneeled in front of him. "Hey, I need you to come back now. This is happening, and I need you to snap out of it. Can you do that for me, Rem?" she whispered softly. The brunette boy let out a staggered breath and nodded, staring down into her patient face.
She smiled and gripped onto his palms. "Tonk's in there now, they're just getting set up. Are you ready?" she asked.
Remus glanced around at his friends. First at Lily, who was still clenching his hand, giving him that look that he knew meant she was right here for him. Next was Mary who had finally let the poor nurse go, she'd moved over to Marlene now, placing a hand on her shoulder excitedly. Marlene was awake, dark bags under her eyes as she sipped a cup of coffee as if it was liquid gold, beside her Dorcas offered an assuring smile. Remus smiled back and let his eyes roam over to Peter, but the boy was looking down at the floor, avoiding him, the brunette slowly let his eyes travel over to Sirius and James instead. They were standing in front of each other, hands on one another's shoulders, with blissful grins on their sobbing faces. Suddenly Sirius peered over, pulling his lips in as he locked eyes with Remus, then he smiled, brighter than he ever had before, and Remus nodded at Lily.
"I am now."
Nymphadora's screams filled Remus' ears, like an echo spinning round and round his head. He was sitting beside her, gripping one of her hands as she pushed. Sirius was on the other side, face turning red with pain as she squeezed his hand too tightly.
"Wanna loosen off a little?" Sirius squealed, wincing as Dora bent forward with a cry. She glanced over at him and pulled her lips up with a snarl.
"Shut up!"
Sirius pulled a finger over his mouth and nodded quickly, sending a pleading look to Remus. The brunette swallowed thickly and rubbed a hand over his sweaty forehead.
"Just a few more pushes," the doctor said from the bottom of the bed. "Ahh, that's good, you're almost done, see? It's easy," Sirius followed enthusiastically.
Remus closed his eyes with a wince as Tonks growled. "Either shut up or get out Sirius!"
Sirius pulled an awkward face and rested back in his chair, bringing his other hand up to his mouth nervously.
Remus was still sat on the edge of his seat, not even feeling the pain in his hand as he focused on not fainting. Everything was loud, lights were straining his eyes from above, there were... the smells weren't great and he felt like he was about to vomit everything he'd ever eaten right here and right now.
"Come on, push," one of the nurses insisted, only for a blaze of red hair to flash at the top of Tonk's head. "I am! What's it look like I'm doing? Reading the bloody daily prophet?"
"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Sirius whined, twisting in his seat and lifting his hand up in the air as Dora squeeze it, his knuckles were turning blue. Tonks sucked in a growl and closed her eyes as she pushed. "Sirius, I swear to Merlin I'm going to cut off all of your hair and make you swallow it to keep your mouth shut," she roared, gripping his hand tighter on instinct.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Sirius exhaled, very quietly this time.
Remus was turning green, wafting away a nurse that had asked if he was okay. He turned his attention to Dora and closed his eyes to will away the pit of bile that threatened to rise in his throat.
"You are doing very well Nymphadora- " the doctor said with a strain, moving her arms about from the bottom of the table, Remus couldn't see what the woman was doing, but he was rather glad about that.
"Don't call me Nympha- Ahhhh!" Tonks screeched, leaning forward. Sirius wordlessly stood up, placing his free arm on her back comfortingly, rubbing soothing circles. Remus watched him, feeling his breathing steady as Sirius got closer to Dora's ear and started to whisper encouragingly.
He brushed a hand through her purple hair, that was trickling crimson red with every scream. Sirius brushed it behind her ears, using one of the towels to brush the sweat away, then he looked over at Remus, smiling softly.
Remus moved then, mirroring Sirius with his hand on Dora's back. "You're almost there..." he croaked, and she looked over at him, tears welling in her eyes at the intenseness of it all. "I owe you my life, for doing this for us... I'm sorry you're in this pain, but I'm so grateful," he exhaled, letting out a small sob.
She nodded at him and closed her eyes, letting out another wail as she pushed harder. Remus glanced up at Sirius, worry filling both their eyes before it subsided at the sound of a baby crying.
Tonks dropped her hold on their hands, resting back against the sheets with a breath of relief. Sirius bent down and kissed her cheek before moving away. Remus stayed put, unable to even look in the direction of the crying.
Nymphadora glanced up, catching Remus' gaze as he stared at the pillow beside her, then she reached her hand up and tapped his cheek. He looked down, and she motioned with her eyes toward Sirius, who had his hands over his mouth, laying eyes on his daughter for the first time.
Remus closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, feeling Tonks' fingers push at his face, directing him toward his fiancée. He opened his eyes again, blinking through the tears to see her smiling softly, a little painfully but full of happiness. He nodded at her and took a few steps over to Sirius, just as the midwife placed the baby in his hands.
She was so little, so fragile looking, despite the sound of her cry, which he was sure could break eardrums. The baby sat there in Sirius' pale tattooed arms, staring up at him with a pouted lip and the black-haired man let out a noise between a cry and a laugh, hugging her tighter to his chest.
Remus moved over, slowly, dully, unsure how to feel till he rested his head on Sirius' shoulder and looked down at the little baby's face. Her cheeks were chubby and blushed from all the crying, which thankfully was quietening down now as she stared back at them. There was a tiny trickle of mousy hair on top of her little head and her eyes were golden brown, like honey swirling around in her irises.
Sirius brushed his lips over Remus' ear, all the while never taking his gaze off his daughter. "She has your eyes, Moony," he whispered, voice cracking with a gleeful sob.
Remus let out a breathy laugh and wrapped his arms around them both, pressing a kiss into the side of Sirius' head before reaching over him and stroking the baby's cheek.
All the worries he'd had before, the fears, they hadn't disappeared, not completely but now it was easier to push them aside, to instead look down into his daughters face and be filled with so much love that it blocked away anything else.
This was it, this was everything he'd ever wanted.