The cozy living room in the Potters' house was very noisy. How much noise can four furious Gryffindors make after an Order of the Phoenix meeting? One might say that the meeting wasn’t finished at all: it continued in a smaller circle between Euphemia’s striped ottomans and banquettes.
Lily slipped into the kitchen unnoticed and looked around for a pack of cigarettes: someone somewhere had definitely left an open one. This time Sirius saved her, she found a pack of menthol poison on the windowsill. Lily pulled out a thin cigarette and went out into the backyard.
It was drizzling. The viscous evening stuck to the wet dark branches of the apple trees. Lily sat down on the railing, trying to stay under the canopy of the porch, and lit a cigarette with an excessively long fireplace match. She needs to get herself a lighter, after all. It seemed like this was the last cigarette, but it’s unlikely. Things are taking such a turn...
Fleamont died last Wednesday. This Friday Euphemia left for him. And that's just the latest.
The cigarette tasted disgusting, but Lily thought it was good. Such a... life-shortening way of concentrating on the present moment. Yes, it’s awful in your mouth, but at least you just feel this and don’t think about something worse.
“Are you picking my cigarettes, Mrs. Potter?” Sirius countered her kindly, also slipping out onto the chilly porch.
“Are you that greedy?” Lily clarified, pushing the door with her foot so that it did not open.
Sirius smiled and shook his head negatively, looked gloomily around the wet gray courtyard and lifted the stiff collar of his leather jacket, ruffling his head.
“Don’t tell James.” Lily asked, Sirius looked at her over his shoulder, grinning.
Okay. He knows.
“The weather is shitty.” Sirius stated and also lit a cigarette, covering it between his lips with his palm. “The rattan should be removed, otherwise it will rot.” He remarked into the air afterward, as if he was just thinking out loud.
Lily nodded. It's really time to hide the summer furniture. The rains began suddenly - or they simply didn’t notice it in time while they were running between Order meetings and the hospital rooms of James’ parents.
Actually, Lily is not Mrs. Potter yet, she and James have not yet managed to marry. But everything somehow naturally led to this, without causing any doubts in anyone. Therefore, she and James took turns going to the hospital and preparing the funeral together, and they were also responsible for the rattan benches together, sharing responsibilities like a real family.
They were silent.
Sirius turned to the garden, shook his head, throwing back his unruly long locks, and completely shut himself off from Lily.
Actually, they weren’t shy with smoking at the house either, now there was no one to kick them out, even to the smoking room or the study. But instead, Sirius hid on the porch, between the veil of rain and the dark green door, as if he needed a break this evening. Lily knew why that was.
Most likely, they had the same reason for breathing nasty menthol smoke in the backyard. Today at the meeting, among other things, they discussed the addition of the Death Eaters known to the Order. Severus' name was called. And Regulus’.
Lily sighed and leaned over to put out her cigarette in an inconspicuous place against the wall. Jumping off the railing, she stepped towards Sirius and hugged him from behind. He was creaky and huge in his jacket, smelled sweet of leather and pungently of cigarettes. He chuckled and briefly covered her cold hand with his warm one, and then pulled away, dissolving his cigarette in the air.
“Well, let's drag this inside?” He nodded at the wicker furniture. The drizzle instantly stuck to the skin as soon as they stepped out from under the canopy.
They quickly installed a bench and a couple of chairs in the basement (three steps, a low iron door and a spacious room behind it).
Lily looked at the shovels and rippers in the corner. It’s also her household now... Maybe someday she’ll get used to it. Sirius, meanwhile, meticulously removed the moisture from the rattan. This is who the real thrifty owner is.
“Go ahead.” he asked. “So that there is no unnecessary talk when I return.”
Lily nodded and easily emerged onto the stairs.
The house had a pleasant smell of fragrant warmth that could be felt on the cold cheeks; the boys were actually talking about Sirius in low tones.
“Calm down.” James besieged Peter. “He knew.”
“What do you mean?” He frowned his light eyebrows. “And you didn’t tell us? Oh, wait: it turns out, he told about it. He told you about it.”
“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t know either.” Remus said calmly.
James looked at them both conciliatory.
“Regulus called him to talk back in the spring. He already had a mark.” He said even lower in tone, and everyone fell silent.
Lily looked down at her striped socks for a second. Well, after all, she couldn’t blame Sirius for not telling anyone but James. No matter how escheatable his relationship with his family are, he will protect his brother until he exhausts all possibilities for this... Even from the Order.
“Let's have dinner?” She suggested loudly, making Peter flinch. “There’s a pie with beef and kidneys left, I can heat it up.”
“Great idea,” Remus nodded, but he looked self-absorbed. Maybe he was estimating exactly when the conversation with his brother could happen from Sirius’ behavior.
“Oh, I brought cupcakes, I completely forgot, my mother made them.” Peter rushed to his bag in the hallway.
The back door slammed and Sirius returned.
Lily, while arranging the plates, allowed James to hug her from behind for a moment and sent him off to get some apple juice. Peter brought amazingly smelling raisin muffins, couldn’t resist plucking a piece. James laughed at him and immediately plunked it too. Sirius got rid of his damp jacket and leaned against Remus, returning his thoughtful gaze and briefly closing his eyes, as if apologizing, and then lay his head on his shoulder.
“No cuddling before dinner!” James called to them, already putting a piece of pie on his plate.
In the evening, Sirius went up to the bedroom and fell face down on the bed that smelled gently of lavender fabric softener. James' mother loved lavender. So it's like hugging Effie.
This bedroom was like home to Sirius: he spent the summer after his sixth year here and a million holidays. And now he and Remus settled here, although Sirius had his own flat in London, and they didn’t need transit points.
So it was in some ways easier, and in some ways it was just right to stick together in these difficult times.
Lily grumbled that they had turned the Potter house into either a branch of Gryffindor Tower or a kindergarten where she was a teacher. But it seemed to Sirius that they were most like family. It made him feel warm at heart.
Unlike his own family. Sirius impulsively rolled over onto his back: he didn't want to think about Regulus at all.
But, of course, it was impossible. It was a vicious cycle of guilt, anger and disappointment; he had been wandering around, ending up in one sector and then in another, for the third year now, and it had been quite exhausting.
The door closed. Remus, stepping quietly, walked to the closet to change for bed. Sirius watched his sweater being pulled over his head with a slight crackle of static. He wanted to stand up and press his cheek against the sharp shoulder blade. Remus pulled on a black T-shirt and it slid down his back. Sirius smiled.
These T-shirts were the same, although they looked completely different on them. On his chest, in the bony fingers, a real heart, with a branch of the aorta, was fluttering against the background of a schematic diamond. The caption read: “A rare gem.”
Remus was indeed his rare gem.
He clicked the belt on his jeans.
“Are you mad at me?” Sirius asked quietly.
“No.”
Remus didn't stop moving as he undressed. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, and then tried to guess again:
“Are you mad about what I've done?”
“No.” Remus repeated calmly and sat down on the bed with him.
Sirius raised his eyebrows, suggesting him to explain. In fact, Remus deserved a lifetime monument in full size for his immense patience and achievements in the field of explaining feelings to Sirius Black.
“You told James about Reg, but didn’t trust me, which means you decided it was the right thing to do. Am I in pain? I am in pain. Am I mad? No. You have the right to share what you want with whoever you want.”
Sirius quickly rose from the pillow and hugged him.
“I don’t understand these edges, but I’m glad you’re not mad. Sometimes it seems to me that ladies with their logic are simpler than you…”
Remus chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.
“I didn’t plan telling him…” Sirius admitted, squeezing him tighter. “He took me by surprise, I was shaking all over, I didn’t have time to calm down... and he insisted. I almost guessed it. This doesn't mean I don't trust you or that I thought you'd rat out Reg or anything.”
Remus nodded and stroked his hair.
“Don't worry, okay?” He asked.
Sirius buried his nose in his shoulder and murmured, and with every word he felt better that this secret was no longer one.
“Reg called me home in March. He wanted to talk, but I can’t imagine what about. And I don’t want to know, to be honest. There was no one at the house except him, but this doesn’t mean that the initiative didn’t come from our dearest mother… He was calm, Rem. Calm, as if everything was going according to plan. As if he’s happy with it all — the mark and stuff. He didn't even hide it! He just flaunted it, he rolled up his sleeves. He wanted me to see! I couldn’t even talk to him, I was just blown away. I thought I’d kill him right there. He can't be such an idiot! A brainless piece of clay! Although, maybe this is exactly what the heir to the Black family should be — just a piece of clay on which mother will imprint all her expectations..."
He clenched his teeth; well, that's why he didn't want to talk to about it. Because if he talked about it out loud, guilt and anger mixed into a powerful toxic alloy, and he wanted to cry and kill at the same time. Tear with teeth, hands. And also cry.
He took a deep breath and exhaled longer.
Remus, of course, had already seen his tears and was not very horrified, but this is not a reason to throw tantrums with any frequency.
They hugged each other silently for a while. Sirius pulled away first, Remus then briefly but firmly touched his lips with his own.
“I won’t insist. But I think you two need to talk.”
Sirius rolled his eyes.
“I can’t talk to him.” he groaned. “I will curse him. Or I'll bite him.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Remus offered evenly. “What you regretted most last times was that you weren’t there when he needed you. Now he called you, cos he needs you again. You can try to change something.”
“What?!” Sirius waved his hands, almost hitting Remus on the head. “What can I change if he’s been at Voldemort’s beck and call for six months already?! Shall I take an eraser and clear the snake on his hand?! He didn't ask me for advice when he made this decision! He didn't ask for help when I left home! He didn't agree to leave with me! He…"
“I see.” Remus said and stood up. “Sorry, I’m not taking this out now. I'm going to the bathroom.”
Sirius was left alone and yanked the pillow to his face to yell into it. There’s too much — too fucking much! — of this crap inside of him.