we are throwing a party again. woohoo. of course im excited, the party is somewhat for me.
see, gryffindor just won another match. it was against hufflepuff, so we knew it was gonna happen. sirius has been having fun planning it.
i was only going to see her. lily evans. the most beautiful girl ive ever layed my eyes on.
i am crazy for her. some (most) would even say i was delusional.
i think i still have a chance with her. i dont know why. i know she would never like me the way i like her.
i see the eyes that she seems to give everyone except me.
i mean, honestly, who would like me?
but i went to the party anyways.
i dont know why.
i dont know what i wanted to get out of it. maybe it was to make siri happy. maybe it was to see reg. maybe it was to shoot my shot. or maybe i just didnt want to be alone.
i have little recollection of what happened at that party. its kind of embarrassing, the parts i remember. i was pining for her so bad. i wonder if she noticed.
i was all over her. the entire party. trying to get her attention. trying to tend to her needs. trying for her to notice me.
it didnt work.
it never worked.
its not like i wanted to fuck her. im not that bad of a person. i just wanted her to see me for who i was. james fleamont potter. but no. all she saw was a weird, annoying boy who wouldntleve her alone. which isnt wrong.
but still.
it hurt.
half way through the party. about 4 drinks in it felt like. she got up and left me without a word. not even a goodbye. not even a wave.
i was lonely again.
with my own thoughts.
i have been trying my best not to be left alone. i get to lost in my thoughts.
i could feel my smile fading. this time, i couldnt fix it.
i was sitting on the couch that sirius had pushed to the side of the common room. sitting with no one. everyone around me was so happy and carefree. the effects of alcohol.
i was lonely.
i was used to it at this point however.
loneliness has become my friend. its wierd. i used to hate being alone. now in some way, i enjoy it. i think something is wrong with me.
its almost as if i try to distance myself from others.
its not a problem however.
i get attached to people when im drunk.
i trust them to easliy.
its wierd because, i barely tell my friends about my emotions. but the second i have a few drinks and a stranger talks to me, i tell them everything. its like i find comfort in their presence.
this time, it was a hufflepuff.
“hey! you are james right? you did so good today.” she was very pretty.
“yeah im james nice to meet you!” i would reply.
we kept talking for awhile.
she left too.
then reg came.
not really a stranger.
not really my friend either.
“are you ok james?” he asked.
i dont know how he noticed.
no one else ever did.
“you are so beautiful reg” i told him. i dont know why.
it was seemed to come out.
he just stared at me as if he didnt belive me.
“answer my question james.”
and then it all came out.
it was stupid, really.
we barely talked since that party.
i miss lily.
but at the same time i miss him.
it was weird.
i was all over her.