Chapter Two
The air brushing against his neck felt normal, if a little chilly, but as his hand lifted to check that there weren’t any strays flying away from his bun, his heart skipped a beat.
There wasn’t anything there, and he knew that, knew what the scissors had sounded like when his long, beautiful locks had fallen to the ground, the joy as his heart soared with the weight lifted from his head, his heart, his soul.
But every time he remembered, there was a little niggling voice in the back of his head: what are you going to do when Mother finds out?
As he stepped onto the platform, though, the business and bustle surrounding him soon caused a distraction. As shameful as it was, he clung to Sirius’s hand, overwhelmed. Flurries of robes in every direction, shouting, small children crying, the screeching of owls, everything imaginable shoved in his face all at once. He just stood there, panic freezing his legs to the ground.
A bag slammed into his shoulder, and he stumbled back, blinking furiously.
“Watch where you’re going, boy!”
And suddenly all the terror and scrambling and panic was gone, replaced with warmth in his chest. Boy. A smile slowly spread across his face, growing with each passing second. He tried to tamp it down, keep his facade, but the corners of his mouth kept lifting just a little bit.
*
When Sirius dragged him onto the train, though, his face was plain and dead still.
“Come on, you’re sticking with me. I want you to meet James.”
And that was the reason his face had dropped. James. The boy who had stolen his big brother from him. Last night, when it was just him and Sirius, everything was better, because, selfishly, everything had been about Regulus, and there was no space for James to fill. But now, when Sirius had the upper hand, because he’d already attended Hogwarts the year before, had already been acquainted and sorted himself out, he wanted to help Regulus.
But did Regulus want his help? No. Not when it involved meeting the boy who had stolen Sirius from him.
The train began moving, ever so slowly, beneath them, and he had to readjust his balance as it gained speed. Sirius strode ahead easily along the lengthy corridor, flicking his head to look in each compartment.
“Where the fuck are they?” Sirius’s voice was filled with exasperation.
At that, Regulus dared to hope that maybe, for some unknown reason, James and his friends weren’t there, that they’d stayed at home. He knew it wasn’t logical - they were only Year Twos - but he didn’t care. Every particle in his body was praying to any god they could find that they wouldn’t be there. They began nearing the end of the train, and the hope was growing, maybe, just maybe-
“Aha! All the way at the end, hm?”
Fuck. Regulus dragged his feet, falling as far behind as possible while Sirius slotted himself through the sliding door and into the compartment.
And then, Sirius had the audacity to announce his presence. “Guys, I want you to meet my little brother!” His hand shot out of the gap and clasped onto his wrist, dragging him, stumbling, through the door and face to face with Sirius and three others.
“Reg, this is Peter-” he gestured to a small, short boy squished into the corner with a book resting on his lap- “Remus-” Another boy, this one with shaggy hair, deep scars across his cheek, and long, lanky limbs for days- “and James.”
And, for what seemed like the thousandth time that day, Regulus’ heart skipped a beat.
James was - not what he’d been expecting. He’d not known what to expect, had formed him into some sort of shadow creature that had stolen his brother’s soul from him, but the boy that sat before him was vastly different to anything he’d anticipated. Sunkissed skin, shaggy chestnut curls framing his joy-filled face, square black glasses set against the smooth bridge of his nose, a slightly wonky-toothed grin, and one of the richest pairs of eyes he’d seen.
“I-” Regulus stammered, unsure what to do. How to act. He cleared his throat, tried again. “I’m, uh, Regulus.”
From the other side of the carriage, Peter piped up a cheerful, “Hi, Regulus!”, but Regulus’ eyes were fixed on James as he offered a beaming grin his way, completely unaware of Regulus' sudden flusteredness.
I should hate you, he thought with a ferocity that shocked him. You stole my brother from me. But even with the energy he put into the thought, he knew it lacked the commitment it should have had. He barely knew this 12 year old boy in front of him, and yet his heart soared every time his eyes flickered in his direction.
Maybe… No. He didn’t dare think of it. There wasn’t a chance in all nine circles of hell that he would forgive him for stealing Sirius - he refused, point blank. Shaking the doubt from his mind, he settled into the far corner of the compartment, back rigid, wary for the hours ahead.
*
They’d arrived some time later, the sky tinged with the last of an orange sunset. There he had been split from his brother for the first time, instead herded into the same line as the rest of the Year Ones. His mind kept playing over James Potter, his face, the ease at which he laughed, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes when he smiled, the way his loose curls threw slender shadows across his face, the smoothness of his-
I hate you.
I hate you.
Hate you.
Hate.
You.
You.
You, you, you, you-
“You alright?” A hand on his shoulder jolted him back to the present, and he blinked wildly, looking up into a pair of piercing eyes.
He licked his lips, swallowing and clearing his throat. “Uh, yeah.” It sounded feeble as it came out, and he knew the stranger in front of him didn’t believe him, but she nodded anyway.
“Pandora.” She held out her hand and he took it warily.
“Oh, it’s alright if you don’t remember me. I’m Pandora Rosier - our parents know each other. I wouldn’t say they’re friends, but then again, when has the Noble House of Black ever been friends with anyone? I thought I’d introduce myself anyway, you were looking a bit lost.”
Dear gods. His head was reeling. He recalled the name Rosier vaguely - maybe they were business partners with his parents? And did she just insult his family? Dear lord, that was bold.
He looked back up to her again, her face cocked to the side in expectancy. Oh, shit.
“I’m Regi- uh, Regulus. Regulus Black.”
Her brow furrowed for a second in confusion, and his heart rose to his throat, lungs forced to stop expanding.
Then she nodded. “Nice to meet you properly, Regulus.” She offered a smile that split her face in half, joy undisguised.
“Oi, get moving!” There was a shout from behind them, and Regulus realised that in their introduction the line in front of them had shifted up towards the castled building of Hogwarts.
“Oh, shut up Evan, we’re going,” Pandora retorted from beside him. Turning back to Regulus, she offered him a small smile and her arm, which Regulus hesitantly slid his own arm through. As they started moving, she lowered her head and whispered, “Evan - he’s my brother. We adopted him a couple years back. His parents - muggles - kicked him out when they found out he was a wizard. He’s alright. I suspect he’ll stop acting like such a prick after the first week - I’ve heard it’s really overwhelming if you don’t have anyone to hang around with. Glad I’ve got you with me, hey?”
*
As they crossed the threshold of the Great Hall after taking the well-worn steps leading to its entrance, a wave of sound washed over them - the clinking of plates and glasses, hurried chatter from students of all years catching up, boisterous laughter, and classical music gently filling in the background. It was a stark contrast to the huddled bunch of Year Ones Regulus found himself in the centre of, tension leaking like a bad smell from each and every one of them.
They were, of course, the last to arrive, the school having made sure the rest of the students were settled and fed before the Sorting Ceremony would begin - a routine that had been figured out a long time ago, lest all hell break loose.
A hush slowly fell over the hall as one by one the students noticed the bundle of nerves that was grouped at the door. The picture was completed by kids leaning over one another to grab their attention, whispered shushes filling the air, before silence finally settled over everyone.
Regulus surveyed the hundreds of students seated in front of him, sorted along four grand tables, with his arm still hooked tightly into Pandora’s. After a minute of searching, he finally found his brother, seated in the middle of the furthest right table - directly beside one James Potter. He took a deep breath when he saw him, reminded himself: I hate you.
The professor leading them turned and spoke, interrupting his thoughts.
“I will call you one by one, and each time I do so, you will walk up here and sit on the seat as I place the sorting hat on your head. Now, I’d like to have some dinner sometime soon, so please don’t waste my time. Once the hat announces your house, go and sit over with the respective table. Is that clear?”
Regulus was one of the first to be called, flinching when his name was read aloud. Another moment of confusion passed over Pandora’s face, but then she squeezed his arm and gently nudged him towards the front. “Go on, Regulus, it’ll be alright.”
He floated towards the front, almost unaware of his surroundings as he took his seat, praying to anyone who would listen. He didn’t know what he was praying for - he’d witnessed the awful beatings and curses Sirius had endured for being sorted into Gryffindor, and had nightmares about them for weeks after. He knew he had sealed himself the same fate by cutting his hair off, but a small part of him still prayed for safety from his parents, anything to stop tortured screams from escaping his own mouth. So, when the hat bellowed “Slytherin!” from atop his head, a wave of relief washed over him. In the back of his mind, he knew his heart would break over it later, but he didn’t allow himself to feel that, instead just slipping off the stool and making his way to the assigned table as if nothing strange had happened. As names continued to be called, a boy called Bartemius slid into the seat beside him, having also been assigned Slytherin.
“Evan told me you were a good person to sit with. Apparently his and your parents are on decent terms. But this-” he gestured between the two of them, sitting beside each other like friends- “means nothing. I’m just waiting for Evan.”
Evan did in fact, join them slightly later, and Regulus watched with a somewhat heavy heart as his sister was assigned Ravenlaw directly after. As he watched Pandora take her seat, his eyes met James’, sitting across from him at the far side of the hall. Sirius sat beside him, and he could see a tear tracing his cheek, glowing golden in the candlelight offered from above. James’ expression was unreadable, and Regulus turned his head, shame coursing through his veins. What was he supposed to do? Pray and beg for anything but what he got?
Maybe that’s what Sirius would have done, maybe that was what James would have done, but he didn’t do that.
After all, he was just Regulus Black.
As the shame continued to course through his veins, face growing hot, he repeated it over and over in his head, refusing to break: I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
You.