Something Better

I was the man still in love with you

When I already knew it was done

This time, Remus is staring aimlessly out of the window when Sirius arrives at the cafe, and he watches as the man opens the door, walks up to the counter, places his order. He is in work clothes again- white shirt, black trousers. His shoes are doctor martens platform loafers and they lend a youthfulness to his look that makes Remus smile.

He once again considers his own self-image, the way Sirius must perceive him. Today he is clad in converse, and jeans again- these ones not flecked with pain- and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt that Nym had bought him at the first concert they had ever attended together. It feels like the first true day of spring, and it’s the first time he’s felt brave enough to wear something she had bought him. He had cradled Teddy tightly against his chest that morning and told him all about the concert, all about his amazing mother, and how much she loved that kind of music.

“Happy spring, Sirius.” Remus says as Sirius sits down. Sirius grins at him.

“Happy spring, Remus.”

“It’s a wonderful thing, spring. It’s my favourite time of year.” Remus says, and Sirius cocks his head.

“Why is that?”

“Reminds me of my son. He was born in February, so spring reminds me of those first few precious months with him. Reminds me of his mum, too. She’d dye her hair pink every march, to herald the coming of the warmer months.” Sirius smiles softly, sadly, like maybe he’s connected the dots between Teddy’s mum and Remus’ suffocating loss.

“Autumn is my favourite.” he ponders. “Reminds me of my best mate, of returning to school or uni, the days getting cooler, the colours turning deeper.”

“Oh?”

“My family is originally from Quebec, but they sent me to boarding school here in England. I don’t have the best relationship with them, and knowing autumn was coming and I’d soon be on a plane to my favourite place with my favourite people was the best feeling after a long, difficult summer at home.” Sirius elaborates, and it feels like a deliberate opening up on his part. A reciprocity of Remus’ vulnerability last time they were sat in these seats.

“I’m sorry you don’t get on well with your family. I’m glad you’re here. Yes- now that you say it, I liked autumn too, as a child, I used to jump in the leaves with Nym. I’m afraid I am dreading it’s coming this year. I’m not sure it will ever feel the same.” Sirius nodded somberly.

“She’ll be in the leaves.” he finally says, and had it been anyone else Remus would have hated it, but he thinks he understands what Sirius means.

“She will be in the leaves.” Remus says, and he feels the tears prick at the back of his eyes.”

Goodbye Evergreen,

you know I love you.

“What are you drinking?” Remus asks, to distract himself, to pull his mind away, and dry his eyes.

“Latte with oat milk.”

“Same every week?”

“Same every week.” Sirius nods seriously. “You?”

“Hot chocolate.”

“Same every week?”

“Same every week.” Remus responds, trying to hide his smile.

“Tell me about Teddy.” Sirius asks. Remus considers the question for a second.

“He’s the sun. my whole world revolves around him. He’s thirteen months old, and beautiful. He has his mother’s everything, and I am so grateful for it. He’s curious, and happy, and the stars dance in his eyes.”

“That’s beautiful.” Sirius’ voice is low, a melancholy edge to it.

“Tell me something about you.” Remus commands, taking his mug into his hands.

“My brother died in May of the year I turned twenty. I’m not sure I’ve ever been the same.”

“He’s in the cherry blossom.” Remus fires back unthinkingly. Through watery eyes, Sirius sends him a smile so hauntingly beautiful for a moment Remus wishes his medium was oil on canvas instead of words on a page, so he could capture it forever.

“He’s in the cherry blossoms.” Sirius nods. “On a lighter note- I have another brother, of a sort. My best friend from boarding school. His family took me in. I still live with him now, actually. Him and his wife. It makes people think I’m a bit childish, sometimes, because I can afford to live alone but I don’t. I love him. I want to be around him for as long as possible.” Remus nods.

“He sounds lovely. Do you like living with him?”

“I feel in the way sometimes, but it’s good. He cooks, and his wife bakes, and the house is full of love. It makes me feel full of love. It makes me feel like I can take that love and give it out.”

“Like to strangers at coffee shops?” Remus asks, only half joking. Sirius looks him directly in the eye.

“Exactly like to strangers at coffee shops.”

“I like love.”

“Mmm. I love it.” Sirius says, tucking his hair behind his ear, and Remus is gone for him. He loves love like this. Sure, it’s superficial, but it’s there and it means something. He knows he will never forget Sirius for as long as he lives, even if he never sees the man after today.

“I have to get Teddy.” “See you soon, Remus.” Sirius’ eyes haunt Remus’ mind long after he goes to sleep that night.