Regulus rolled over to face the beautiful boy he was cradling in his arms. “James?” Regulus called out carefully. No response.
Said boy was knocked out from quidditch practice. He had stumbled his way into the room of requirement eyes drooping with exhaustion. Regulus had a lurking suspicion that it wasn’t just the quidditch practice that had him so tired but he bit his tongue. James gave Regulus a sweet peck on the lips and proceeded to fall asleep only a few seconds later.
That had been two hours ago. Regulus levitated James onto the bed and both of them were now snuggled up under the covers. He tried to sleep but his mind refused to quieten and so he laid awake on the bed, his eyes scanning the room he had come to grow very fond of in recent times.
The walls were painted a dark red-James’ influence no doubt- and there was a dark green couch just by the fireplace. The only other things in the room were the small desk where James and Regulus would sometimes do their homework and the bookshelf.
Regulus sighed softly into the warmth of James’ body curled into his. His eyes scanned the sharp planes of James’ face as he gazed adoringly at him. Regulus only got like this when there was no one around to see. Never one for public displays of affection, he was often very prickly around James and he half the time wondered why said boy even wanted to be with him.
To their friends it must’ve seemed like James was always just orbiting around Regulus, hoping to catch a scrap of attention here and there. But that was a lie, James was the sun and Regulus could spend hours staring at his beauty, basking in his attention. But staring at the Sun for too long hurt.
Regulus sighed again, this time it was more sad. He carefully smoothed away the creases between James’ eyebrows, smiling softly as the boy mumbled incoherently before settling.
Regulus didn’t know what pushed him to speak. Maybe it was the fact that he felt so comfortable and loved in James’ arms that night or maybe it was the fact that Summer break was in two weeks and he was running out of time. Nonetheless, he spoke.
“I’m going to be going away soon.” He muttered softly. “Not physically, I’ll still be at Hogwarts. But we won’t see each other much anymore. I reckon you wouldn’t much like to see me when you find out.”
“I can picture it now. You’d startle at the sight of it, like you never thought it was a possibility. But you’d have to have known it was coming. You’d tell me it wasn’t too late, that I still had a choice. You’d offer me an escape, the chance to come home with you. But James-“ Regulus’ voice cracked. “I’m not Sirius. I’m not brave like him and I don’t give a shit about muggleborns. Your friend Lily is pretty and smart but I’m not willing to risk my life or my family to protect people like her. It’s horrible, I know. I know you won’t understand it. You’d never be able to understand it. Not when you love so wholly and without reservations. You’d die for every muggleborn, even those you’ve never met and I adore you for it, but I’m not like you. I’m selfish and cowardly and that’s all I’ll ever be.”
“You wouldn’t budge though, you’d be so desperate to save me that you wouldn’t be able to see that I don’t want to be saved.” Regulus hesitated, staring intensely at James’ profile to make sure that the boy was truly asleep. He wouldn’t have been able to share all of this if he thought he might not be. “That night Sirius showed up on your doorstep, I brought him there. I could have stayed. But I didn’t. I went back home like the dutiful son I am because I didn’t want to leave.”
“Sirius has got it all wrong. He’s too combative. If he just listen-“ Regulus cut himself off. He promised himself he would never blame Sirius for the horrible things their parents did to him. Because yes, even then he recognized that Sirius did not deserve anything that he got.
After a few seconds of silence he continued. “You’ll tell me I’m brainwashed, that I don’t know anything. That you’ll show me better and Oh it’ll be so tempting to take your hand and let you whisk me away but I do know better James. I know exactly what I’m doing and I’m doing it anyway. You don’t understand how pleased it would make Maman and Papa if I were to join him and to be honest the power that would come with it wouldn’t hurt either.”
Regulus took a deep breath, his voice lowering to a hushed tone. “I’m not a good person. Sometimes I think Sirius took all the good things and left none for me. It’s horrible to say. I know it’s not Sirius’ fault that I’m a bad person but in the deepest corners of my mind I can hear it. “You were born to be horrible, he was born to be great.” That’s why it was so beautiful to get to hold you, something so pure and kind.” He trailed his fingers over the cut of James’ jaw lightly and fondly. “If anyone was ever looking for the good in me the only thing they’d find would be you.”
Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. “You’d beg me to leave, if not for myself then for you. And I’d be so tempted, so fucking tempted to just give in. It’ll hurt too much to tell you no. But I will.” He squeezed his eyes shut to stop them from falling. “In another universe I would get to choose you, or maybe I wouldn’t have to choose at all but it is not this one.”
“But I’m still here now. We’ve got two weeks and I’m going to make them as wonderful as I can because I- I-“ His breath hitched. “I truly do love you James. You were the sun in my years of rain. I’ll never forget that or you. No matter what happens.”