James sat in the great hall, pushing his food around with his fork. His mind was racing. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was bothering him but he knew something was. He thought about what it could be.
He had gotten a low grade on his last potions essay. That was annoying but not unexpected.
Gryffindor had lost the quidditch match that afternoon. That was definitely bothering him.
Sirius and Remus had been fighting earlier this morning. It was worrying but they had made up and were now holding hands under the table.
He hadn’t eaten lunch. He had been too upset about losing the match. But he wasn’t hungry. He still wasn’t.
He could feel the material of his jumper. It felt scratchier than usual.
He could hear everyone around him talking. He didn’t know what they were saying but he could hear their voices nonetheless.
It could be a number of things. He didn’t want to voice any of these problems though. He didn’t want to be a bother. His friends or boyfriend would of course say they weren’t upset or bothered, but James couldn’t help but feel like a nuisance.
He pushed around his mashed potatoes, making sure it didn’t mix with the chicken. That would just add to his list of problems.
“- Okay”?
James looked up, realizing someone had spoken to him.
“What”? He asked. Remus spoke up.
“I asked if you were ok. You haven’t eaten anything”. Remus had a small frown playing on his lips. Sirius looked a little concerned.
“Yeah”. James said, “I’m fine”. Remus raised an eyebrow with disbelief. Sirius frowned a little.
“Are you sure”? Peter asked him.
“Mmhm”. James said. He looked up at the Slytherin table and saw Regulus looking at him with slight concern. Great, everyone was worried. Now he felt bad.
“James, you can tell us if something is bothering you”. Sirius told him kindly. James forced a smile onto his face.
“I know”. He said. “Thanks”. He then forced himself to eat a bite of his potatoes. He grimaced a little at the texture. He didn’t usually have a problem with it. But for some reason right now it was bothering him.
He didn’t see the concerned looks the three other boys shared. They had all seen James act like this before but none of them ever knew exactly how to handle it. Peter, having grown up with James, knew that sometimes it was best to just let him be. The question was if this was one of those instances or not.
After a couple more minutes of not speaking or eating, James cleared his throat.
“I’m gonna go back to the dorm and take a shower”. He said, pushing his plate away.
“Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything else”? Sirius asked.
“Yeah I’m sure”. James replied with a forced smile.
“Ok”. Remus said with worry in his eyes.
James stood up and quickly walked out of the great hall. Once he got into the halls he took a deep breath. He started the long walk to Gryffindor tower. When he got there he absentmindedly said the password before slipping into the common room.
He debated just curling up on the empty couch. Or maybe just sitting on the rug in front of the fire. He stood there for a minute before ultimately deciding he should go shower.
He trudged up the stairs to the sixth year boys dorms. His legs felt heavy with every step he took. When he got to the door and walked in, he faced the same problem.
Should he just curl up in bed under the covers? It would be more comfortable. His friends would most likely just leave him be if he wanted. He almost gave in before he saw his quidditch jersey on the floor next to his bed. He had had a quidditch match that morning. He should definitely shower.
James sighed before walking into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and turned on the shower. He hoped that the water or the change of temperature would make him feel better. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn’t.
James stripped off his clothes and felt slightly relieved that he couldn’t feel the jumper against his skin anymore. He stepped into the shower and immediately felt the rush of warm water enveloping him.
He tried to keep to his routine, shampoo, conditioner, soap. As he did this, his thoughts all came rushing back. After a couple minutes he felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.
He did the first thing that came to mind. He sat down. He was now just sitting in the shower with the water still hitting him.
He thought of the quidditch match and his team. They all expected him to be perfect. He was always perfect when it came to quidditch. People expected it of him. He had let them down. They were probably angry or disappointed with him. They just didn’t want to say it.
Tears started to fall down his face and his shoulders started to shake with tears.
He couldn’t tell if the sound of the water was calming or if it was just another thing filling his mind.
He thought of his boyfriend. Regulus. For some reason that made him cry harder. Regulus was always helping James with something or comforting him. It must be exhausting for him.
James rested his face in his hands as his crying became more intense.
He felt pathetic. Everyone was worried about him so often. He was so used to seeing their worried faces or looks of concern. And Regulus. He was almost always worried about James in some way.
He almost always felt like he was attention seeking or being rude when he asked for help from anyone. They had better things to do than deal with him and his problems.
“James”?
He looked up. He realized now that he was sobbing.
“James? Are you ok”? James recognized that voice. Regulus.
“Can I come in”? James realized the position he was in. He was naked, sitting in the shower, sobbing uncontrollably. And Regulus was about to come in and see how pathetic he looked. He started sobbing harder.
The door opened and Regulus stepped in. He saw James on the floor of the shower sobbing and frowned. He shut the door behind him and approached James. He turned off the shower and knelt down next to his boyfriend.
“James, sweetheart, can you look at me”? Regulus asked calmly. James looked up slowly, still crying. “Good. Why don’t we get you out of here”? James nodded weakly. Regulus stood up and grabbed a towel. He then helped James stand up and wrapped the towel around his shoulders.
Regulus led James back into the empty dorm room. James was shivering as he held the towel around him. He couldn’t stop crying.
“Alright why don’t you get dressed and then you can just curl up in bed”. Regulus suggested. James walked slowly over to his trunk and pulled out his favorite jumper. He pulled it on. He dried off his legs and grabbed a pair of underwear and sweatpants. He pulled them on and just dropped the towel on the floor.
He started shaking his hands, trying to calm down. Regulus picked up the towel and put it in the bathroom before returning to find his boyfriend standing there, looking panicked as he cried.
“Jamie, why don’t you sit down”. Regulus said as he approached the taller boy. “C’mon love”. He held out his hands and James grabbed them quickly. “Ok, let’s go”. He led his boyfriend over to his bed and sat down. James sat down next to him. He started shaking his hands again. More aggressively this time.
He was still crying and Regulus wanted to help him. He grabbed a weighted blanket and wrapped it around James.
After a couple minutes James had calmed down and was now just crying lightly. He curled up in a ball and leaned against Regulus. Regulus wrapped his arms around James and held him, one hand slowly stroking his messy hair.
“Shh. It’s ok sweetheart. Everything will be ok”. Regulus said soothingly. “I’m right here. I’ve got you”. James nuzzled his face against his boyfriend’s chest and eventually his tears died down.
“I love you Jamie”. Regulus said softly.
James couldn't bring himself to talk but Regulus knew. The older boy just cuddled up closer to him in response. Regulus pressed a kiss to his hair.
‘I love you too Reg’, James thought. ‘I love you too’.