Harry and his Sevvy
*Harry Potter POV*
As we move towards the front we see the hat sitting on a stool with McGonagall standing next to it. We all patiently waited for the Hat to finish his song while we notice everyone around us was panicking. Eventually when the Hat finished his song the all 9 of us clapped really loudly and whistled praises at the Hat who bowed very dramatically at us before going still again. We all got ready to be called as we waited with bated breath for Sunshine’s turn.
“Berkshire Lorenzo.”
Right on cue Sunshine walks up with a confident stride as he is still soaking wet before vigorously shaking himself as a joke to get us all wet. Ferret and I both coo at him very loudly.
“Hmm? Ooh this one is funny and quite adorable. Better be HUFFLEPUFF.”
Before anyone can react the rest of us 8 people clap extremely loudly and whistle as we all act like proud parents. Sunshine just shrugs gets off and blows a kiss at us before walking to the side and waiting for the next person to be sorted.
We wait patiently as the next person to be called happens to be…
“Granger Hermione.”
She walks up to the stool only for me to ruin it.
“Look it’s a moving bush everyone.” I shout fascinated as all of us try not to laugh with the Bush herself jokingly glaring at me.
Regardless she went up to the stool and had a talk for a few minutes before the Hat sighed.
“This one’s too feisty. Someone come get their Bush.” The hat mumbles and all 9 of us burst out into really hysterical laughter as I laugh so hard, I had to physically hold onto the nearest person who happened to be Ferret. We both fell to the floor still laughing as we dragged Shin Ramyun with us. After a good few minutes we all got up and calmed down before listening to the Hat.
“Fine. You win. Better be RAVENCLAW.”
Once again, all 8 of us cheer extremely loudly as I smile before shouting.
“That’s our mud-blood.” To which Bush just laughs, nods her head and curtsies as it was not actually a degrading term. However, as all other not knowledge mud-bloods and blood-traitors look at me with shock and glare all the well knowledge pure-bloods, half-bloods, and mud-bloods look at me with well-hidden amusement and respect. I don’t pay them much attention as I start laughing along with the others. Bush just laughs and moves to the side to stand next to Sunshine.
We all wait for McGonagall to come out of her shocked state before she calls more students and the next student, she called was…
“Malfoy Draco.”
Ferret stalks up to the stool and sits down before talking with the Hat.
“Ohohohoho. This one’s very Brave cunning yes but… Better be GRYFFINDOR.”
Everyone freezes until all 9 of us burst out laughing and Ferret’s face flushes slightly despite his laughter.
“Oh my mama.”
“Holy shit he just.”
“His Father will definitely be hearing about this.” We all said at the same time and laughed harder. After a long 20 minutes we all calmed down enough to stay still as Ferret just shrugged and stood next to Sunshine and Bush
A few more names where mentioned before…
“Nott Theodore.”
Broken Lungs walks up with a cup of coffee disguised as water and slurps loudly on his straw before sitting down on the stool and wearing the Hat.
“Hmm? This one’s weird. Very much potential. Better be RAVENCLAW.”
We all applaud and nod in approval as we all clap loudly. But I grab his cup and sip loudly on his straw before shooinghim away and gathering multiple stares.
We all just wait for the next person which happens to be…
“Parkinson Pansy”
She walks up and just shrugs before poking the hat and asking if it hurt. We all just face palm as I go up and physically pull her away and onto the stool before giving her a good whack on the head and a lollipop. I walk back down and wait for her to be sorted.
“Hmm. Gryffin- no wait. Slytherin? Emm. This ones not that obvious. SlYtHeRiN I guess.”
At this point poor hat is tired of this shit. But we all laugh and clap as the Sarcastic One gets off and yells.
“Take that Ferret you fu- furry Lion.”
We all laugh as she gets a gentle whack from Shin Ramyun for cussing. As that dies down we wait for the next person, who happens to be...
“Potter Harry”
I look around to look for him when all 8 of them stare at me.
“What?”
“Harribo are you insane?”
“He’s finally lost it hasn’t he?” I look at them confused not understanding when Shin Ramyun and the Italian Mob Boss both whack me in the head.
“Your Harry Potter you idiot.”
“Oh shit. Your right sorry my bad. Wait I’m Hadrian not Harry. Please make this change as soon as possible Miss. McGonagall.” I said as I walked up to the stool with whispers as I just turn around dramatically and shout.
“Can you all please inform me if you find this Harry Potter fellow, I would love to meet the man I’m filling in for.” I shouted as I smile and look around before shrugging and sitting on the stool.
“Ah, Mr. Potter-Black. Another Time-Traveller ey? Honestly I’m not surprised with all the shit I’ve seen through Miss. Grangers head.” I hear a smooth voice talk in my head.
“Hahahahaha. Very funny hat. Say hat do you have a name? I feel bad calling you hat every single time.”
“No. I do not.”
“Well lets call you Bob.”
“Hm. Why not? But what house do you want? Slytherin suits you best.”
“But I don’t wanna be in Slytherin, Bob.”
“Too bad.” I pout as he starts talking to the Hall.
“This ones to childish.” *Dramatic theatrical gasp as I clutch my heart and the Bush subtly plays dramatic betrayal music. ‘How could you Bob?’ and ‘After years of friendship and trust?’ could be heard around the hall as I drop to the floor and start acting out a dramatic scene as the others all tsk and shake their head at bob in disapproval. *
“But better be SLYHTERIN.” Drop dead silence. It’s only broken by the Weasley twins dramatic shouts of ‘We didn’t get Potter.’
“Yes. HAH Fucking suck it Mione’ you owe me ten galleons.”
“God damn you Harrison James Potter. You cost me 10 galleons to Ronald.”
“Can we pay attention to The-Boy-Who-Lived being evil for a sec please.” Some random ass students says.
“Oh shit sorry my bad. I got sorted into the house of snakes by a fucking 5 billlion year old crusty ass Hat and suddenly I’m a FUCKING evil 11 year-old sorcerer.” I reply with very thick sarcasm.
“You heard Bob-the-hat he’s a snake he’s evil folks.”
“Your right Draco we must stay away from him. He’s evil after all.” Shin Ramyun says really dramatically as Sarcastic Women hides Bush behind her back mumbling something about me going to hurt mud-bloods.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m a evils sorcerer that’s fucking 11.” I mumbled as I went towards the others only for them to dramatically move Bush away, which I laughed at and played along by pretending to curse her.
The next person to be called was…
“Riddle Mattheo”
Dead silence but just as he walks up to the stool I sneak a peek at Bastard-Who-Doesn’t-Know-How-To-Stay-Out-Of-Others-Business and realise that he is furious.
“HMM. Ooh. This one’s how did that child put it again? Aha, evil. This one’s evil to. Better be SLYTHERIN.”
“YAYY. I have an evil mastermind friend.” I shout happily as I grabbed Riddle Spawn’s hand and dragged him with me as we both started pretending to plot some evil plan not letting his hand go. Unbeknownst to me was Riddle Spawn smirking at Ferret, Sunshine, and Broken Lungs as he pointed at our interlocked hands.
Eventually the next person was called…
“Weasley Ronald”
Just as Shin Ramyun walks up to the sorting hat, I hear Ferret with his snarky comments.
“Red hair and a hand-me down robe? You must be a Weasley.” Two voices say at the same time in sync. We all turn to see Shin Ramyun and Ferret looking at each other. We all hold our snickers in.
“We get it Mal- I mean Ferret. You like me. You can just be honest you know.” Shin Ramyun says with a small smirk.
*Dramatic gasp from Ferret.*
“Riddle. I thought you and I where friends? How could you tell Weasley my deepest secret.”
Everyone gasps as Shin Ramyun just softly chuckles and sits down on the stool. After a few minutes of arguing.
“This one’s quite stubborn and very reckless. Better be GRYFFINDOR.”
“OMG. He’s in the same house as me. Riddle hold me I’m going to pass out.”
“Calm down Ferret you wont die.” I tease as Shin Ramyun walks towards us and gently holds Ferret from passing out.
“That’s making it worse Shin Ramyun.”
“I know Haribo.”
I just shrug and turn my head back to the sorting and surely the next and last person to be called is…
“Zabini Blaise”
We all applaud as he pretends to look around only to realise, he’s the only one left and just shrugs before bowing and heads up to the stool.
“Hmm this one’s weird a little too cold ooh if you ever start a cult please invite me.”
That was enough to set all 9 of us into fits of laughter for the next 30 mins. After some long time we all controlled our selves and waited for his announcement.
“Better be HUFFLEPUFF”
Silence. Absolute dead silence.
“So the son of Mrs. I’ll-kill-all-my-husbands-for-their-assets-and-then-get-off-scorch-free-because-I’m-too-cute-and-innocent is a FUCKING Hufflepuff? I guess you took keep it in the family a little too seriously no?” I respond.
Pansy is the first that cracks and within seconds of my comment all of us are howling with laughter as none of us can stand straight and are either holding onto something or just plain on the floor. Eventually Minnie spells us all back to normal and Italian Mob Boss comes to stand next to all of us.
“Well?” I ask as everyone was staring at us.
“To each their own?”
“Wtf is this some weird ass dating show or smth, Granger?”
“So… I guess everyone to their houses?” Sunshine boy suggests
“Well, I’m going to have lots of fun with my new evil friends so bye~~” I said dragging Riddle Spawn and Sarcastic Women with me to the table of snakes. I don’t recognize the stares from the others as I sit down in between the two.
“Well. I guess me and Ferret are going to plan how to stop the evil duo.” Shin Ramyun says as he and Ferret head towards the house of Lion.
“Well? Shall we? O’ fair lady o’ mine?” Broken Lungs asks Bush as he holds out his hand which she takes and they walk to their own table.
“Well? Lorenzo?”
“Right behind you mafia boss.”
As the last of us sit down Dumb-Ass-A-Mother-Fucking-Door stands up to give his speech which we all tune out.
“TREACLE TART.” I hiss happily as Riddle Spawn just pushes a plate of Treacle tarts in front of me. I look at him with heart eyes as I just take the plate and sit quietly and eat.
“What is Potter doing here in our house?”
“Potter? Who? Are you talking bout Harry Potter? Where is he?” I said looking around frantically as Sarcastic Woman just laughs at my antics while Riddle Spawn just flips the dumb Slytherin off. The dinner ends with all of us heading to our respective dorms. As I follow the other two to the Dungeons.
“Damn its chilly in here. How do you guys survive this cold?”
“What’s wrong? Itty bitty Potter can’t handle the cold?” I just pout as I feel Sarcastic Woman’s arm around my shoulder and I just lean into her. I look up to see Riddle Spawn with bleeding knuckles. Cocking… ew damn I have a dirty mind. Tilting my head to the side I ask him with my eyes.
“Oh? I don’t know guess its to dry here.” The three of us all proceed to head inside the common room ignoring the bleeding guy with a broken jaw that had insulted me.
“Damn. This looks dead ass really regal.” I whistle as suddenly there is a cough to reveal SEVVY<3.
“Welcome to house Slytherin. The Noble house of Salazar Slytherin. You will face discrimination outside these walls hence why all problems are solved within these walls. Do NOT get caught if you do have an alibi at all times. Stick together and if you have problems pray to the heavens above. Do NOT at any given time come find me as I have to much shit going on to deal with your relationship problems. That is all. Snape out.”
WTF. What in the actual FUCK is this? Since when the fuck did this dungeon bat have humor?? And why the fuck is he looking directly at me? Oh shit. Why did he call me? What tf is going on?? I nod regardless and head towards his office. But take out my phone and text the others.
*Text*
The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Y’all. Does anyone wanna explain why Snape is suddenly spitting bars, has a humour and asked me to his office?? @Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple
Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Yeah about that. I MAY OR MAY NOT have told him about his blocks and about coming back because Death agreed and it would be smart to have an adult to help us in case Remus and Sirius can’t with their status as werewolf and criminal.
Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- You mean he’s a Swearwolf?
Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Haha Ron. How much does he know? And somebody add him to the group chat.
Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- @Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google Basically everything from Harry’s perspective of the 7 years and the inheritance test. I’ll add him just a sec.
Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple Has added S.S to the group chat
S.S has changed their username to Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair
The_Red_Head- Sevyy. Hi~~
Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Wtf? Lily? Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- @Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair How tf are you texting while walking I don’t even see your phone?
Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- The beauty of having Siri.
Prongsie;)- Oi. Hello Snape. I apologize for being an absolute git. I know you would prefer an in person apology but I’m kinda dead so… :’)
Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Ok what the fuck. James Potter is apologizing?? This is some comedy Wattpad shit.
Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- But your forgiven @Prongsie;)
The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Wow. You really see some weird shit the longer your alive huh?
Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- @The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing you’re*
The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Big deal you little shit
Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Wtf did I get myself into?
Prongsie;)- Hell.
*Off text*
“This way Mr. Potter” I only nod my head as I head into Dungeon Bat’s lair and stand awkwardly.
“So. Have a seat.”
“What’s the occasion, sir?”
“Well I just wanted to know the details of your 7 years here and will be taking you to the headmaster as he has asked for you.”
“GOD DAMN IT. That slimy can’t-keep-his-old-nose-and-hands-to-himself Dumblebitch.”
“Well that’s definitely Regulus”
“You knew Regulus??”
“Of course, we were close friends.”
“Could you… tell me about my parents some time? Anything really. I don’t know anything about them despite living and study here for so long”
“Anytime Mr. Potter”
“Hadrian. Please call me Hadrian in private Professor Snape. Thank you sir and before we leave” I handed him a small package with all the memories I have of my years at hogwarts.
Snape just nods and looks at me for a second before simply saying ‘Severus’ and walks towards the fireplace as I follow after him with a wide smile.
“*Cough* Mother-of-all-things-holy. Damn *Cough* this dust is ever- *Cough* everywhere.” I curse as I head into Dumbles office.
“Ah. Harry, my boy. How are you?”
“Who-in-the-name-of-namjesus are you? Do you know Harry? Is he your boy? When did that happen? Could you introduce us please?”
“Namjesus? Do I wanna know?”
“No you don’t professor McGonagall. You don’t want to know. So what am I here for. As you know I’m very busy looking for this Harry Potter you wizarding folk speak so highly of.”
“Emm. Harry my boy we wish you could have a resorting as we suspect the hat has made a wrong choice.”
This motherfucker. I’ll skin him alive. He…HowFUCKING dare he. Only cuz I’m in Slytherin and quite evil. I still pretend to smile.
“I still don’t get why I’m here and not Harry. I’m Hadrian. I know its similar but you can’t just take another student in the place of one”
“Harry. You are Harry mybo-”
“I’m not Harry. I’m Hadrian.”
“Alright. Hadrian. We will need you to be re-sorted as I’m sure you’d like to honor your parents and family by being in Gryffindor.”
“Will my family hate me if I’m in Gryffindor? Where they all in Gryffindor?”
“Of course my b- Hadrian. Of course. After all Slytherin is evil.”
THIS MOTHER FUCKING-
“Albus!!”
“Yes, Minerva?”
“I know James wasn’t the best of people but really?”
“Ahh but Minerva you forget that James himself said that he would disown any kid of his that’s not a Lion like himself. And I’m sure Lily will agree.”
“Oh.” I said pouting as I was filled with rage but then calmed down when I realised I can mess with him.
“So my Bo- Hadrian. What will your choice be?”
“Well if my parents will disown me over my house…” I can see the smirk and glee radiating from Dumbass
“…They can FUCKING suck it. Because I don’t give a flying Duck’s arse about what people who are literally dead would or wouldn’t do.” I said as I just simply cross my hands across my chest. I can distantly hear a few chuckles before a subtle ‘well done’ is said to me by the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black. THE Black everyone looks up to after Arcturus Black.
“Well regardless this is a decision made by the school so if you will just comply Mr. Potter.”
“It’s Potter-Black Sir. So, I can’t be evil now can I? But I really wanted to be an evil mastermind like in those movies.” I pout as I just hang my head really sad. I don’t notice Sevvy’s eyes flashing in a protective mode and can only squeak as I feel his strong hands wrap around me and pull me into his embrace.
“Hey its alright little one. I’ve got you. No need to be sad.”
“Huh?” I say looking up at Sevvy.
“You can still be an evil mastermind even if you get into a different house. All houses have their good traits.”
“*Sniff* Really? I can be *Sniff* be an evil mastermind? Can I be special? Even *Sniff* *Sniff* Even if I’m not a snake?” I sniffled as I look at Sevvy with hopeful eyes.
“Of course. Shh. It’s ok you can be an evil mastermind. Shh. It’s fine now.” Sevvy says as he wipes my tears away and gently reassures me. I sniffle as I just stay in Sevvy’s lap and for the first time in my life I finally feel safe and secure. I finally feel like I can act however I want without giving any fucks.
“Bleh bleh bleh. Go change houses they say. Fine.” I said sitting down and wearing the hat with a pout and attitude as I was acting like Dracula from the show.
“Bleh bleh bleh?” Says a confused McGonagall only to cause Sevvy to groan.
“Bleh bleh bleh? I do not go bleh bleh bleh.” I said with an accent as I pretend to use my robe as Dracula’s cape.
“AYO. Wassup Bob the Hat.”
“Hello. I see you have come to visit me again Mr. Potter-Black. Ooh a re-sort? Well I know my choice but I want to take my time to talk to you so you can help me with my song for next year.”
“OOOOH. Lemme help. HMM. I think something to do with Dumbles having no sanity and too colorful robes, Minnie slaying like usual, Sevvy being a depressed wannabe-Batman, Sprout being sprout. And how amazing I am.”
“Ohohoho. I’ve gotten some ideas to think. Come join me in the middle of the year for my song so we can do some editing.”
“Of course bob.”
“ALRIGHT. BETTER BE Slytherin.”
“YAAAY I’m still an evil mastermind. Suck on THAT mother, father and Dad. NYAHAHAHAHAHhahahaHAHAHA.” I cough twice as I notice everyone staring at me including the portraits.
“Sorry had to do my evil laugh.”
“Well. As you have seen Albus I will be taking Mr. Potter-Black back to Slytherin.”
“BYEE~~” I said cheerfully as I secretly hand Minnie a pack of premium cat treats while being dragged back to the dungeons by Sevvy.
We walk to the dungeons and I bid Sevvy a farewell before entering the common room dorm only to be greeted by the others, who where on the couch. I just went to sit on the couch as I just sprawled onto the couch and laid my head on Riddle Spawn’s lap as I just mumbled about dumb-as-a-bitch-who- cannot-mind-his-damn-business. And apparently Riddle agrees with me because he was humming and agreeing with me as he brushed his hands through my hair calming me down from a possible panic attack.
“Your phone is ringing.” I said pointing at his ringing phone. He just shrugs and hangs up on his father. While I look at him with a questioning glance.
“Your more important right now.”
“Oh dear mother of magic. Damn.” I said flushing and burying my red face in my hands. None of us notice Pansy taking multiple videos and photos and sending it to the group chat.
“Pff. Hades you blush way too easily. It’s almost impossible to stop myself from teasing you. But that aside you good?” I look up and see him looking down at me like in those romance books. FUCK. Why does he low-key look so hot?
“Tell me bout it. I’m so tired of Dumbles he just tried to take me away and subtly hinted that my family was all in Gryffindor and would all be disappointed if I didn’t switch.” I said as I felt like wanting to cry so I just lay down on the couch and placed my head on his lap and just sighed as Pansy placed a disillusionment charm around us and gave a subtle nod of the head. I just pouted and snuggled into Riddle Spawn’s lap as I was pouting and could feel his hands through my hair lulling me to sleep.
I groan as I hear muffled voices and shouts in my sleepy state.
“You fuckass. You are *Blurred Conversation* absolutely *Blurred Conversation* ridiculous *Blurred Conversation*
“Hm? Why swearing? Wha’ ime?” I mumbled half heartedly while trying not to fall asleep again after waking up sometime later.
“Bird nest you good?”
“Bird nest? Whatever you say. Anyway, Haribo means ‘why is there swearing?’ and ‘what time is it?’”
“Thanks Bird nest translator.”
“Mhm? Who pissed in your cereal Bush. And Why pray tell is Theodore calling Mattheo a Fuckass?”
“Wha? How much did you hear of that, Potter?”
“Hm? Not much just that Theo is saying ‘You are absolutely ridiculous.’ What happened? Don’t fight. Please?”
“No one is Fighting, Potter. You missed out on half the conversation you know.”
“Yeah, yeah whatever ferret. Hold up… Why in Merlin’s saggy left ballsack is everyone in the Slytherin dorm?” I ask instantly sitting upright and covering my torso as I was not wearing any shirt.
“We are in the ROR you, dumbass.”
“OI. I’m just slow not dumb you sarcastic WoMaN.” I said throwing up the middle finger at her as I uncovered my torso as everyone’s seen me naked before.
“So? What’s the plan?” Sunshine asks
“Well, the plan is to get the stone for the ritual and than we can get Reggie back.”
“WOW. I’m surprised your actually planning to be serious Haribo.”
“Sirius? Oh SHIT. I KNEW I FORGOT SMTH.”
“That’s the boy we know.”
“Lmao Ferret that sounds really sus.”
“Is anyone of us not sus or mentally-not-available at this point, Chicken?”
“CHICKEN? FIRST Haribo with SHIN RAMYUN and now you with Chicken? Really BUSH What’s next grilled steak?”
“OOH? I’m going to call you that.”
“SHUT TF UP YOU ITALIAN MAFIA BOSS.”
“OK. Everybody lets all go for our run take a shower and head to breakfast.”