4. It Was My Destiny To Love You, But Not To Have You
"I should be off too," Blaise announced to his mother as Hermione and Charlie disappeared in the green flames. He stayed longer than he had planned, but with his - not his - brunette couldn't have it any other way. He always lost track of time with her.
"Is that so? You've been in no rush until now," Charlotte pointed out the fact, measuring him with a look Blaise didn't like one bit.
"That's just because I didn't realize what time it was," he answered without batting an eye, even though he knew he wasn't going to get out of it that easily. His mother had been giving him these looks too often lately. And she hadn't reprimanded him for his life choices in a very long time, so he really should leave now if he wanted to avoid talking about his broken marriage.
"And isn't it more that you didn't want to leave your ex-wife?" she suggested knowingly.
Blaise swallowed hard. "I still have a lot of work to do -"
"Don't even think about leaving. The two of us are going to talk whether you want to or not," she told him in her authoritative voice that left no room for objection. She used this tone of voice very often when he was a child.
With a sigh, he walked back to the lounge where he poured himself a glass of fire whiskey and sat down on the couch with another sigh. His mother had a glass of red brought and studied him in silence, which made him a little uneasy. He didn't understand why they had to have this conversation again. It was rather pointless considering that it would be twelve months in a short time.
“Why did you never tell me the reason for your divorce? Because it clearly wasn't the absence of love," she spoke when she finally stopped analyzing him. Like the others, she didn't understand why the two of them had divorced. At first, she thought they were still acting like husband and wife at her place because they were used to it. She expected that would change over time, but it hadn't yet. It was obvious that they still loved each other.
"Because I'm ashamed of it. I curse myself, I hate myself. It was the biggest mistake of my life, but maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I was destined for it. Relationships have never been my thing. It was only a matter of time before I messed up. It's probably in our blood," he answered bitterly and more honestly than his mother had expected.
Charlotte's heart ached at his words. "Why would you say that?"
"And why not? Look at yourself. You've been living here alone all these years. All your husbands are dead,” he muttered, finishing off the fire whiskey, so he could pour himself another glass. He'd regret it in the morning, but he really needed alcohol right now.
"You know very well that I loved your father, and if he hadn't died we would still be together today," she said sharply to mask how much his words hurt her. "Even after all these years, I still feel guilty that he died because of me. I managed it's only because of you. I knew I had to be strong for you. Revenge gave me only a small sense of relief. I won't change where I come from, your father knew that and risked it anyway -"
"Mom, I didn't mean it like that," he cut her off as he drank another glass. He felt guilty for what he had said to her and needed the whiskey now even more than a moment ago.
"Don't interrupt me," she chided him. "You're wrong, it's not in your blood, because you're the son of your father, who was a very loving man. And I loved him very much, too, so much so that I preferred a life of solitude. And I'm sorry I led you to it too. I never wanted you to experience the pain I had to go through after losing my husband, that's why I raised you to be independent. I put it into your head that relationships are pointless, and now I'm apologizing for it, even though I know it's too late. What you found with Hermione is special, and it shouldn't end like that."
“I've always been glad that you were my mother, you know that, right? You were extremely lucky you found dad, who loved you and didn't just treat you like his property. But your strength did not come from him. It came from you. You are where you are because of yourself. You are the strongest person I know and you don't need to apologize to me. You gave me everything a child could wish for. I can only hope that I'll be as good a parent to Charlie as you are to me,' he confided to her honestly, as the alcohol coursing through his veins began to affect him a little. He felt like he never told her how much he appreciated her, and that was definitely wrong. He had almost lost her so many times. He couldn't let her go to Elysium without her knowing how much he loved her.
Charlotte blinked away the tears that began to well up in her eyes. "This isn't the type of conversation we usually have," she said in a cracking voice.
"It's not," Blaise chuckled. "And I'd like us to stop talking about my failed marriage. I'm simply an idiot. I had everything, and I lost it because of myself."
“I know you think it's late, but she still loves you, Blaise. There's still a chance to fix it. You should grab it before it's really too late. Promise me you'll at least think about it?” she pressed on.
"I promise, if you promise not to talk about it again," Blaise finally agreed. Hermione was the subject of almost all of his thoughts after all, so it wouldn't be much of a problem. "But now I really have to go. I won't do any work today, not in this condition, but I have to get up early tomorrow."
The elderly woman nodded quietly. "Don't forget to visit your poor mother again soon."
Blaise laughed. “Ha! My mother and poor creature? You've got her mistaken for someone, Mrs. Zabini," he said sarcastically, standing up from the comfortable couch. "I'll stop by soon," he promised, kissing her cheek goodbye.
There was nothing waiting for him at home but an empty apartment. With one wave of his wand, he turned on the lights and walked straight to the bar so he could continue drinking. After the divorce, he tried to avoid alcohol because he was afraid that he would do something stupid. He remembered all too vividly how his drunken nights at school ended. But right now he really needed it. Besides, he was home alone, so there was no danger of him doing anything stupid.
He chuckled. "You don't even belong to me anymore, and yet I'm still loyal to you," he muttered under his breath as he sat down on the couch with a bottle of very good fire whiskey that Draco had given him for his birthday. With another swig, he reluctantly returned to the promise he had made to his mother. Was it possible that Hermione still loved him? He knew he had hurt her and hated himself for it. How could she possibly still love him?
He looked at the framed photo he had displayed on the mantelpiece. She was from Charlie's first birthday. Everyone there looked so happy. How could he destroy it? Maybe he should seriously stop working so much. He only had himself to blame for the end of their marriage, but the truth was, if maybe he hadn't been so stressed at work, it might not have turned out like this. Their marriage wasn't perfect, of course, they had disagreements, so that was healthy, but their arguments became so frequent that they overshadowed all the good things they had together. And Blaise began to panic. He didn't want them to start hating each other, so he cowardly ran away. He ran away from his role as a husband and filed for divorce, which he regretted the second he said it out loud, but it was too late to take it back.
“I love you, Hermione Granger Zabini. You're the only one I've ever loved and the only one I'll ever love, but I can't hurt you any more than I already did. I couldn't stand it. It was my destiny to love you, but not to have you," he said towards their photo, taking a big gulp of the golden liquid.