Chapter 3
The three days passed by in a blur. Sirius barely slept, barely ate. On the morning of the third day Arthur came with the Ford and picked up Harry for a sleepover. Sirius gave him a big hug and told him he loved him before letting him go.
Then he was all alone waiting for the portkey to appear while his mind was a mess and his heart was racing. He had thought of this day for years yet now that it had arrived he had no idea what he was actually meant to do.
Among all the other muddled thoughts his mind kept coming back to the day he last saw him- October 23 1981.
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Sirius stumped into their house, his head was fuzzy from drinking. There was nothing else he could do to make himself feel better, even though it hardly worked.
He was about to head up the stairs to sleep when his eyes caught the light coming from the kitchen. He felt a lump form in his throat.
He walked over to see what he saw when he left, Remus hovered above the same books and scrolls. The only thing that had changed was the number of cigarette buds in the ashtray besides him.
Sirius was worried, the state of Remus deteriorated by the day. He was sleep deprived, his eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath them and his skin was pale and sickly. Sirius' heart broke every time he'd look at him.
But Sirius was also frustrated. Remus had blocked him out, blocked everyone out of trying to help him. All that mattered to him was his 'research'. Sirius was at his ends and something had to change soon.
He stood by the doorframe, Remus did nothing to acknowledge him. Sirius gave in and spoke first.
"Don't you think it's a bit late for all of that?"
No response. Not even a reaction to him talking, he didn't even glance up at him. His patience wore thin with every second of this.
"Remus!" He sounded.
"What?! What do you want from me?" Remus snapped back.
Sirius clenched his teeth to stop himself from yelling back and leading this to another meaningless fight. He was tired, and he didn't want to fight anymore. He took a moment and breathed in.
"Will you please come to bed, Moony?... I've missed you." That was the most sincere and vulnerable he had been in months.
"But I'm here." Remus responded with frustration and annoyance leaping from his voice. Sirius looked at him, shined by the same cold kitchen light, surrounded by books on top of books for his secretive research.
"No you are not..."
"Sirius I'm way too busy for this."
"Are you fucking kidding me Remus? All you care about is this shit!" He gestured to the books on the table. "Ever since you've returned from that last bloody mission with those fucking werewolves you've been rotting every day and night for your 'research'- and I still don't know what it is even about!"
"I've told you time and time again that I just can't tell you what it is about! Why can't you understand that?"
"Why can't you understand I worry about you! The war is worse than fucking ever, we are dropping like flys, and I need you! I need you with me... Any day might be our last and you are here doing this... '' Sirius' voice was cracking and his vision was getting blurry as he was on the verge of crying.
"Sirius, what I'm doing is important work... and as you said any moment can be out last and I have to use it! So I'm sorry but I can't be having this conversation right now."
Nothing, nothing he was saying could get through to him. It was hard to breathe as the lump in Sirius' throat had turned into a knot getting more and more tangled. Yet all his frustration and anger and sadness pushed words out he had no control over.
"I think your priorities are out of fucking order, how are you supposed to make a difference if you are fucking dead? And what conversation are you talking about? This is not a conversation, this is a fight! But it's understandable how you'd get them mixed up as this is the only thing we've been doing for months. And you know Remus im sick and fucking tired of it."
"Maybe if you stopped causing them, then this wouldn't be so much of a problem." He spat out without lifting his glance from the book in front of him.
"Remus it's this or nothing with you at this point! We don't do everything else. It's like we are strangers."
Sirius' tears were now dangerously close to falling. He tried to take a moment to cool off but there were more things he needed to say.
"I genuinely cannot remember the last time you touched me..., we don't have sex anymore, you don't kiss me, we don't talk, we don't sleep in the same bed for fuck's sake... You can't even look me in the eye! I might as well not even exist to you."
And there it was a question he was too afraid to ever ask lingering on his tongue.
"... Do you even love me anymore?"
Sirius looked into Remus' eyes to see something, anything to give him hope. Staring back was not the same man he knew. In his gaze there was something disconnected, almost broken... How could those eyes once filled with wisdom, love and that beautiful spark of mischief be the same vacant eyes looking at him now?
Silence filled the room. Silence heavy enough to break bones... He waited not wanting to accept the reality that was facing him... He waited more, holding for his life to the lady thread of hope he had left... then the thread finally broke, he couldn't wait any longer, he couldn't regret reality.
"Very well then."
It was over. Any hope he had left was gone , any spark from the fire that burned inside him for Remus were all burned out.
Sirius stormed up the stairs to the bedroom and started grabbing and throwing things in a bag. From behind him he heard Remus following him and yelling.
"Sirius, what are you doing? No, stop, wait! Sirius!"
Sirius didn't listen to him. He kept on packing until his bag was full then he headed for the door. While he was going down the stairs he felt Remus grab by the arm.
"Don't do this please! Please I beg you, I'm sorry."
He cupped Sirius' face with his hand. Remus' panic filled eyes met his.
"...Please don't leave me."
He then leaned in and kissed him for the first time in weeks... Sirius pushed Remus back.
"You left me first… It's over Lupin."
He wiped his lips with the back of his hand, taking off the kiss that had stained them.
"You are not the man I fell in love with..."
He walked off the front door, got on his motorcycle and drove off to the night sky not looking back.
Half an hour later he was banging on the Potter's door. James half asleep opened it and Sirius fell into his arms.
For the next few days he lived with James, Lily and Harry while Remus made no contact with any of them... On the 28th the Potters went into hiding for "precautionary measures". The last time he saw them alive.
The next time he saw Remus' face was in the Daily Prophet with the headline 'Death eater werewolf thrown in Azkaban!'.
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A loud pop shaped him back to the present. Suddenly in front of him appeared a green tin mug. That was it. He felt frozen in place, he took some long moments looking at it -but there wasn't much time to waste. He closed his eyes and grabbed the mug.
Immediately he felt his body flood into itself while at the same time being spinned around and around. And as soon as it started it was over being left only with nausea.
He felt harsh, cold, salty wind almost scraping him with its strength and speed. Around him he heard the loud splashing of water on the rocks. Finally he opened his eyes to see that he was surrounded by an endless ocean and an equally endless gray sky. He turned around and was faced with the enormous ominous tower, just looking at it made his blood run cold. He was too impressed at the sight to notice a man quickly walking up to him.
"State your full name!" The man yelled out.
Sirius turned his head to see the man now just a few steps away with his wand out and pointed right at him ready to strike.
Sirius held his hands up "S-Sirius Black!"
"Full. Name.", he yelled once more.
"Sirius Black the third!"
Sirius yelled back with his hands still raised.
"Why are you on Azkaban island?" The man's wand was still aiming at him while his gaze didn't flinch for even a second.
"To visit an inmate!"
"What were you told to remember?"
Sirius couldn't reply. What did he mean? He stayed silent, searching his brain for the answer.
The man didn't take kindly to this, screaming "Answer the fuckin' question!"
Well it must have been something Dumbledore had said to him... When he left his office! He said something about the blue waltz, but there was something more that was just at the edge of his brain but he couldn't get it out. The upside down? No, no! The, the, the-
"The blue ceiling waltz!"
The man finally lowered his wand.
"Well Mr Black, I'm Anthony O. Wallace, the auror sent to ensure your safety while you are in the premises. Follow me."
Without missing a breath the auror turned around and started walking towards the prison. Sirius followed as ordered trying to keep up with Wallace's quick walk.
They stopped in front of a big metal door, Wallace turned to face him.
"Before we enter I will have to take your wand Mr Black."
As he was handing it over he noticed the auror giving his weird glances but Sirius couldn't think why, he couldn't think of anything but what he was about to face when he got through that door.
Every step he took sent shivers up and down his spine. The building was dark and empty, big yet at the same time asphyxiating, and somehow colder on the inside.
"You know, I've been working in Azkaban for 7 years, you're the only other person except Dumbledore to come here to see a prisoner. Here for the werewolf ey?"
Sirius as in Azkaban in the brinks of losing his mind and this guy wanted to make fucking small talk? He didn't respond. That didn't stop the auror though he was capable enough of holding a conversation on by himself.
"I've dealt with his kind before...vile creatures, all of 'em."
Sirius didn't respond again even though he was starting to get on his nerves.
"... A Black hu? This place is filled with your family members, well ex family members as you are disowned... but y' know what they say blood is blood."
"Can we not talk about my family?"
The reason for the weird look that he gave him before was clear now. A Black meeting a werewolf.
"Oh hit a sore spot?"
Sirius side eyed the man and had to restrain himself from giving him a piece of his mind. Then they took a sharp turn and came to a halt in front of a metal door.
"Here you are."
He started unlocking the door. Suddenly everything moved agonizingly slow as he turned the key again and again. There was no more annoyance or anger in him, just fear.
"The bars to his cell are made from pure silver so you don't need to worry about it trying anythin' funny."
Then the door was open. He didn't even know how he had the strength to walk inside that room, every step he took he felt his legs ready to give out.
"You have 25 minutes... I'll be right outside the door."
The auror gave him again a weird side glaze before giving a last disgusted look to the man behind the bars. Then he left, closing the door behind him with a big echoing thud. Once the echo faded out everything fell into thick silence.
The took breaths in and out trying to calm himself, while slowly turning to face the cell. He looked around purposely avoiding looking through the bars trying to give himself as much time as he could before he had to look at him. His eyes finally landed on the man curled up on the stone floor and... now he couldn't look away.
It's been three whole years since Sirius last laid his eyes upon him. He was scared to recognize him.
His wrists and ankles were chained to the cold dirty ground. His clothes looked like old ripped up dirty rags. His hair was long, unwashed and tangled with gray stripes peeking through the brown. His skin ghostly white, his body frail and skeletal.
”... Remus..." his name, a whisper escaped from Sirius mouth, tasting like bitter medicine.
He had all this time to think, and he had thought of what he could say, of what questions he could ask, of what things he could yell at him. But now he had no words.
He wanted to say something mean and angry like "You deserve to be here." or "I hope you rot for the rest of your life."... But he could not. He had no anger in him, just terror.
This man before him was the same man he had spent half of his life's nights with. He used to hold this man like he was his entire world and he would hold him back the same. This man used to be his light in the dark. This man... this man... This man destroyed everything.
"Why?" He asked. Whether it was "Why did you do this?" or " Why did it have to come to this?" he didn't know, but did it even matter? Both were true.
Remus didn't respond in any way, he didn't even react, he kept his head down hiding his face from him.
Something bitter grew in Sirius the same way it did during the war. Did all this time change nothing?
"I've come all this way and you won't even fucking look at me?" Nothing, again and the bitterness only grew.
"You know what's the worst thing? I still don't understand. It's been three years and I'm still as confused as the day it happened! Sure, you became distant and cold and a fucking asshole... but to stab everyone in the back."
He felt the familiar closing of his throat when he would cry, and sure enough tears were rolling down his face.
"They were our best friends. They were our family! James and Lily had a child! A child that will grow up without his mother and father!"
He yelled out his voice shaking. His tears were uncontrollable, he fell on his knees and cried until he could speak again.
"I should have seen the signs, I should have listened, maybe... maybe all this wouldn't have happened... And to think I fucking loved you... You are the worst thing that ever happened to me."
The only thing that could be heard in the dark room were sobs, but not Sirius'.
"I didn't do it." The voice was hoarse and drained out of all life but was unmistakably Remus' "... What can I do to make you believe me?".
For the first time Remus looked up and right into his eyes...
"Explain... " he said coldly.
"It wasn't me, it was all Peter-"
"Don't you dare put his name in your mouth!" Sirius yelled out before Remus had the chance to say another word. "Don't- Don't you dare..." You killed him he wanted to say but he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"... Sirius, please... It's the truth." His eyes weren't the same as he remembered. They weren't the same but he could see he was not lying. There was nothing hidden, not a hind of malice behind his gaze. It was the opposite, he was exposing himself bare.
Sirius closed his mouth and Remus continued.
"Peter was the trader, not me. I don't know why he did that thing he did, I don't know when he changed…But I did not kill him, he is alive and somewhere out there. That night Peter sent me a patronus telling me to meet him. When I did, he told me... He told him what he had done… He started laughing… Then took out his wand, pointed to me and told me to say back. He cut off his own finger right in front of me, he then turned into a rat and crawled into the sewers… An hour later half of the aurors of London were searching for me, and the next thing I knew I was in here… And I never even got a trial. "
Sirius didn't feel right, he felt nauseous, sick. All this time he hated himself for the small, buried deep inside him, part of him that beveled in Remus' innocence... Now he realizes he did hate it- he was scared of it. Scared of the betrayal would be to James and Lily and Peter if he still had hope for the man responsible for their deaths. But he was scared of it being true too, because that meant he had left him hopeless in hell on earth.
"You don't have to believe me. All I'm asking for is a trial, please..."
"I believe you."
The word didn't feel real coming out of his mouth. But if he was being honest nothing felt real at all.
"I'm going to get you a trial. You are going to leave this place."