"It must be a mistake," is the first thing Sirius says when he comes out of the locker room and meets another man on his way.
Maybe Sirius got the time wrong? Maybe he got distracted and entered the wrong gates, maybe he's in the wrong place?
"Hey, hello my name is Remus Lupin I'm your instructor from now on," his voice pulls Sirius out of his mind and now Sirius takes a moment to look at him (his voice was so attractive he couldn't resist a closer look at his body, okay?).
His hair was sandy, he had chocolate eyes, peach lips. He was cute, pretty he was beautiful, fucking hot even. He had freckles on his nose and cheeks, he also had a silver scar across his nose, he was gorgeous. He was well built, not bulky and very muscular but definitely in good shape. Also he was so fucking tall, Sirius had to look up to meet his eyes, if he wanted to kiss him he would have to-
And that's why it had to be a mistake.
His mother would never have allowed Sirius to spend two afternoons a week with another boy. Not after she discovered her son was slightly gay (for clarification: Sirius was gay as hell).
Which is why it must have been a mistake, his mother wanted to fix him, his mother would never encourage him to see the other man half-naked, dripping water and looking so sexy that Sirius, just imagining it, was becoming–
He knew that his mother had gone to the trouble of visiting this center herself and choosing an female instructor for her son, choosing the most beautiful of them, so that perhaps by chance, her influence would have a good influence on Sirius and fix him.
Yes, because Sirius, looking at a beautiful girl in a bikini, will magically change his orientation. For sure.
Right now he was practically drooling over the guy in the black shorts and red T-shirt, which was pretty well dressed, so good luck with his orientation change.
The silence had probably gone on too long and Sirius still had his mouth slightly open as he stared at the stranger who was frowning at him.
"Sirius Black," he introduces himself with his most flirtatious smile "but I don't think–" he tries, it must be a mistake.
Fortunately, the stranger moved forward with an explanation, a slight friendly smile on his lips.
"Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that Lilly Evans, your instructor, is unavailable at the moment, so I have taken over her clients," Remus explains "that means our cooperation begins today," he gives Sirius a polite smile "as I said my name is Remus Lupin it's an emergency with Lilly so I haven't really had time to look at her client files," he admits rather awkwardly "so I would like some information and help if it's not a problem. I hope you won't be disappointed sorry for the inconvenience," he smiles faintly. "Didn't they tell you anything at the front desk at the entrance?"
"They didin't," Sirius murmurs.
"I know you were hoping for another instructor so we fully understand your frustration and if you want we can close the contract with the fault on our side and return your money," he informs formally "but I would be more than grateful if you would give me a chance, admittedly I am young but I have a lot of experience in swimming," he starts listing his achievements and Sirius doesn't know if he could have fallen more for him.
"Sure, I didn't care, as long as there's anyone here. I'm actually quite satisfied that that someone is you, Remus." Sirius grins at him, beaming. "I hope I can call you by name, because how old are you? We're probably the same age, but maybe not, because you wouldn't be able to work if you were underage," he frowns.
"You are underage?" Remus stares at him in surprise.
"Young and sweet only seventeen," Sirius sing-song with big smile.
"Ah I see, good taste in music," Remus nods appreciatively. "I am nineteen," he adds.
"Cool. So Remus, what are you going to teach me?" Sirius asks with a grin.
'Yes, first I need to know what you came here for, is it rehabilitation or training or swimming lessons or something else?" He asks
"I'm here to lose weight, it's part of the training plan, I'm sure it was delivered here with my documents, so if you have time, take a look at them, I came out nicely in the photo," Sirius teases with a flirty smile.
"You're losing weight," Remus says with a slight shock and scans him with his eyes, Sirius quickly realizes that he is standing in front of him only in swimming trunks and his cheeks flushed a little because of that "you look quite healthy," he frowns "how much do you weigh?" He asks.
"140 lbs at 5ft 9in thats healthy and I only need to lose 20lbs anyway, I need it for a new role on the show cuz im an actor," he explains "it's not dependent on me," he shrugs "as for me, I already look great," he grins.
"Mhm," Remus nodded thoughtfuly "wait," he frowns "120 pounds would definitely be underweight for you," he informs, Sirius sighs.
"I consulted a nutritionist about this," he assures "just stick to the program, it should already be developed," he suggests.
"Okay, well, I'll have to look it over carefully, we can't let you hurt yourself," he muttered.
"Sure, whatever," Sirius sighs "are we going to do something today?" He asks.
"Yes yes," Remus assures "it's the first hour so this familiarization, I'll show you around and tell you what where and how and then you can spend the next half hour in the water doing whatever suits you," he informs, Sirius nods.
It's a private resort, a pool resort with the best trainers in town. It's not just any place, it looks expensive and exclusive here. Sirius looks around curiously, is this where he took his swimming lessons when he was little?
He feels quite excited. Sirius liked the water, he was glad that his new plan included swimming, he didn't even bother that his mother did all the paperwork without him.
As Remus had announced, they walked around the facility, the part intended for them for now.
All the names and terms flowing through Sirius' head like water, because he was more focused on the timbre of the instructor's voice.
Did he believe in the love at first sight? No absolutely not. But did he believe in being infatuated with someone from the first meeting? Fuck yeah.
That's why when he came home, a wide smile did not leave his lips.
"And how was your first class, son?" His mother asks him. Sirius wants to laugh in her face but he doesn't, he controls himself, he doesn't want her to go to the center to change anything. He really hopes to meet Remus next time.
"It was really good, the service was nice," he says calmly, his heart beats cheerfully at the thought of the instructor's smile.
"I'm glad," she nodded her head seriously, probably thinking, that her son is happy for a certain Lilly.
Oh how wrong she was.
"Reg! Reg! Reggie! COME HERE," Sirius exclaims excitedly, finally wanting to share his today gay crisis with someone.
"Yes?" His little brother walks through the door of Sirius' room to find him with his face buried in the pillow as he squeals excitedly and swings his legs like some teen with a crush from the movies.
"I had a swimming lesson today," Sirius informs "you could use some too, young one," he ruffles his hair and Regulus scowls "and you won't believe what happened," he grins cheerfully.
"Oh my, oh my," he smiles "has someone gotten a crush?" He wiggles his brows "Was it one of the other customers?" Regulus sits on the bed, waiting for the latest gossip.
"Well, of course not!" Their voices are hushed even if the parents are no longer at home, someone from the servants could report on them. Neither Sirius nor Regulus wanted that. "It was my instructor," he admits with a big smile "he's hot," he falls on the bed.
"Wait," Regulus frowns "didn't our mother hire a woman for you?"
"She did," Sirius grins and starts telling him his day in detail.
<<<>>>
For the second pool class, Sirius was even more excited than for the first, and he had reason to.
Right now, he was the happiest man on earth, simply because fucking Remus Lupin took off his shirt when he followed Sirius into the water.
He left his red shirt in the lifeguard's chair. Sirius was damed. If only he could tear his eyes away from his instructor's naked torso he would, but right now he was too delighted, so he stared shamelessly until a voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
Fuck, Sirius can't stand it here.
The instructor comes closer, a slight smile on his lips. Sirius reciprocates.
Fuck.
The obvious thing for Sirius is when Remus touches him, there's no way he's not going to be hard and– oh fuck that's going to be so awkward.
He's only wearing swimming trunks, so he won't even be able to hide his body's reaction. Fuck.
What Sirius hadn't expected was that when Remus's skin touched his, he would be paralyzed with fear.
Not a second passed before he yanked his arm away and backed away, nearly falling into the water.
"Shit, sorry," Sirius looks up, the instructor's face is worried, fuck.
"It's okay, I shoud ask, okay, if you're not a fan of touch, we'll keep it to a minimum," he promises, Sirius wants to deny it but doesn't.
Sirius doesn't know what happened, he doesn't know why his skin was burning, why he was afraid?
Hell, he's just a client, one of many, that's what Remus had to do with everyone else. He wasn't trying to hurt him, why was Sirius scared?
"Sure," he mutters, ashamed of his behavior.
"It's important that you feel comfortable," Remus states "so if you want to switch instructors–"
"Why would I want this?" Sirius frowns. Why did he suggest it? Did Sirius scare him away? Oh fuck...
"I know you originally wanted a female instructor," Remus points out "if you feel uncomfortable with another guy touching you–"
"Well, my mother wanted," Sirius corrects "she was afraid that I would become more gay if I spent time with male human beings," he shrugs. Did he just came out to a unknown guy? Did he just admit he was gay to the seventh person ever? Yes. Why? "So I will only change instructors if it makes you uncomfortable," he adds looking at Remus carefully.
Sirius really hopes this guy has at least a little interest in men.
"No, no it's fine," Remus frantically assures, he genuinely convinces him, that he doesn't mind. Sirius is strangely pleased that someone (even if it's a stranger) has accepted him.
After practice, he steps out of the water, throwing one last look at Remus, and damn, this guy will be the cause of his death, if Sirius's heart doesn't slow down, it's going to be bad.
He went to the locker room and took a shower, changed clothes and dried his hair, he didn't want to go home, he sighed heavily.
While he was at the desk in reception, walking to the exit through the door came none other than James Potter with a wide grin plastered on his face.
"Sirius? Hi!" He exclaimed happily as he recognized him. Sirius remembers how they met about three months ago, they haven't seen each other much since then, but James... James was the person Sirius wished he could keep in his life.
Sirius met him at the gym, then they met at some banquet, and gym again, frankly, James Potter brought a smile to his face. Sirius likes him very much.
James seemed to reciprocate the feeling.
"James!" He grins happily.
"Long time no see," James states "I have some business here, but if you're willing to wait a few minutes and have the afternoon off, I'd love to take you out for coffee," James offers, and Sirius nods eagerly.
"I would love to," he smiles.
James disappeared through the staff door, what was he doing here?
He was bringing lunch for Remus Lupin, of course.
"Black-haired, beautiful actor, flirty, kind, pretty, were you talking to me about damn Sirius Black?" James wiggles his eyebrows playfully, Remuch hides his face in his hands.
After meeting Sirius for the first time, Remus had a crisis, so he video chatted with James and Lilly.
James remembered his words exactly.
"Fucking hell, Lilly, you couldn't have picked a better time for a sudden departure, seriously, this one client was starting today, and fuck me, how sexy he was, you know how hard it was to be professional? But you know what's the worst? Oh, he's a goddamn actor and now I know where I knew him from because I fucking jerked off to him last year, fuck, is it legal? He was 16 then, right? It is? Oh gosh, I'm fucked."
"You know him?" Remus stares at him.
"Better, he's my friends, Remy," James announces proudly.
"I could have expected it," Remus sighed, James was friends with literally every human he met for more than two minutes.
"But he's really great, no wonder your foolish crush," James grined.
"I spent three hours of my life with him and all he does is look beautiful and flirt with me, what am I supposed to do?" Remus snorts.
"Ask him out on a date," James suggests simply. "I made an appointment to meet him for coffee, so I'm going now," he waves to Remus, who stares at him incredulously. "Remus, he's my friend!" James reminds him. "I'm not hitting on your boy, if you want I can whisper a few good words to him about you," James grins, something roguish in his gaze.
"Fuck no, James!" Remus threw a towel at him, James laughed and blew him a kiss.
James walks out into the hallway, still laughing.
He starts a conversation with Sirius and together they slowly walk ahead looking for the nearest coffee shop.
When they caught up and sat down at the table, Sirius touched on a topic that had interested him from the very beginning.
"Who did you visit at the pool?"
"My friend works there," James informs simply.
Remus is there only for a moment. Lilly has been working there for a year, it's her uncle's resort, unfortunately Lilly had an important family situation and Petunia needed her and as she lives in another city Lilly needed time off and the boss agreed on the condition that he find a replacement. As Remus loved Lilly and he was a good swimmer and in addition he had been working as a lifeguard in the summer for three years, after a short training he was ready to take her place for two months. Remus didn't like people and had anxiety but he was willing to sacrifice for Lilly.
He was a good friend.
"Do you know that guy with a bit curly sandy hair?" He asks with a sparkle in his eye.
"Remus?" James raises an eybrow "what about him?"
"He's so hot," Sirius groaned.
James bursts out laughing.
"Really?" He managed to ask still amused.
"I'm so gay," Sirius groaned again.
"I know," James nodded with a smiles.
I shouldn't. Sirius thinks, but only to himself.
Sirius can't share most of the thoughts that run through his head.
He's trying so hard to be normal so people won't know how traumatized and angry he really is.
He's trying to be larger-than-life so people won't know he's vulnerable and needy, because he shouldn't be.
<<<>>>
"Something happened?" Remus looks uncertainly at Sirius on their third meeting.
"No, why?" Sirius shrugs. His back hurts terribly and his head is spinning and his mouth is dry but he can't admit it.
"You have bruises on your knees," he points out, Sirius bursts out laughing because it's easier.
"You know," he smiles suggestively at Remus "I'm simply really good when I'm kneeling," he announces with a smug smile.
Remus blushed.
It's easy. It's very easy to make Remus think he just blows someone. Teenagers do that, so it's not hard for Remus to believe it, not when Sirius gives the flirty vibe. It's much easier to admit than saying, 'My mother made me kneel on peas for hours because I got home late from meeting James two days ago.'
"Yeah, okay," Remus nodded, his cheeks still flushed "shall we start?"
Fucking hell, did Sirius have to say that? Now Remus can't focus on anything but Sirius' mouth, how his lips shine, how his tongue twitches, how he accentuates individual words by moving his lips and fuck. It's his client, Remus can't-
"Remus? Remus?" Sirius tries to get his attention. "I know I'm distracting but this is the third time I'm asking the same thing." Sirius chuckles.
Remus will have a heart attack.
"Sorry?" He frowns.
<<<>>>
"What is wrong, Sirius?" Remus frowns as he watches his face, which lacks the usual smile.
"I'm fucking upset, that's what's wrong," he huffs "fucking contract," he snorts dissatisfied "I have to cut my hair for a new role," he tries to explain.
"Okay" Remus doesn't quite understand what the problem is.
"I have to cut them off," he repeats, emphasizing the words "and I don't want to," he crosses his arms.
"It'll grow back," Remus tries to comfort him.
"No," Sirius shakes his head "if I cut it off now," his lips press into a tight line. His mother won't let him go back to having long hair and that's what Sirius feels most comfortable in. "I've been trying for a long time to grow them and finally I feel good with them and they want to take it away from me and it's annoying because I don't even want this role," he clenches hands in fists.
"Is it really that big of a deal?" Remus murmured slightly worried.
"The first time I had to grow my hair out for a role, it was the drama of the century, my mother won't let it happen again, she can't let me look girly," he hissed. He was so angry.
"Fuck," Remus looks at him with sympathy and worry "I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, so," he took a deep breath. "So I'm sorry for today and for being a prick," he warns, Remus just smiles.
<<<>>>
Sirius cried as he looked in the mirror.
He didn't want to leave the house today, he didn't want to leave ever again.
He felt bad and terrible and was not at all comforted by the comments "it's fine, you look great, you look better with short hair anyway, you finally look like a man, don't worry, you look more masculine now."
Sirius felt good when his hair was shoulder length when he straightened it, when not, it curled slightly but still brushed against his jaw. He want that back.
Sirius felt attractive with longer hair, and he must feel attractive.
Now he cried for a good couple of hours because it wasn't like that. That awful voice in the back of his head repeated dryly and it was cruel, 'No one will love you if you're unattractive,' and Sirius assumed his mother was right.
No one could stand his character and his person if it wasn't for his pretty face.
Sirius was the one who always spent hours in the bathroom before going out, who notoriously adjusted his hair and clothes, the one who spent more time on his appearance than others because he had to be sure that he was beautiful.
Even going to the set, he prepared thoroughly even though he was aware that on set they would take care of him, hair, clothes and make-up, he knew, but he still did it himself, because he didn't want to seem ugly to them.
Sirius must have been beautiful, because that's all he had to offer, but also...
Sirius very often doubted his own beauty. People complimented him, but it's just empty words from those who don't count.
His mother notoriously told him that he looked too girly and that it was inappropriate, Sirius only nodded to her.
He felt beautiful, being "girly" according to his mother, when he was given makeup or had his hair tied up on set, he smiled broadly, and when he got the chance to paint his nails he was happy.
Sirius didn't want to be strong, boyish, manly, muscular, masculine. He did not want to. He wanted people to see him as more than a man or a boy, he was still a boy after all.
Puberty had been gentle for Sirius, leaving him with a voice too melodious for a man whose features were not sharply sharpened, they were soft. (It gave him the opportunity to play characters much younger than his age and it was okay). His cheekbones weren't sharp, Regulus's were, Regulus had a strong jawline, but it suited him. It wouldn't suit Sirius. Sirius felt good in his body, despite how delicate it was, or perhaps because it was delicate.
Sirius couldn't help but think that 'you look unmanly' wasn't as offensive as everyone around him thought, it was almost... nice, like a compliment.
Sirius came to an important conclusion today.
"Reg," he caught the attention of his brother, the first person he always went to with everything.
"Yes Sirius? Something's wrong? I'm so sorry about the hair," Regulus says with a sad smile, he knows how much it meant to his brother.
"I want to go with he/they from now on," he says, swallowing a note of stress.
"Sure," Regulus nodded. "It's just information or do you want to talk about it?" He asks, watching Sirius carefully.
"I-I don't know," he blinks rapidly. "I just want to try to see if that's what I wants," they muttered unsurely "ugh, I've felt for a very long time that it's not that, I felt that it's more complicated. I rarely feel like a man, you know? More like... just a person and–" he panics slightly.
"It's okay, you're all right Sirius," Regulus soothes. "We'll try, someday we'll figure out what will make you happy, you'll see," he promisses "thank you for letting me be part of your adventure of self discovery," Sirius gives him a small smile "if anything changes let me know if you are comfortable with he/they I want to know if you are switching to they/them I want to know if you are going back to he/him I want to know too," he damands "and I want you to know that it's all right, even if you change your mind, that's part of discovering, that's just learning, it doesn't mean you've made a mistake, do what you think is right Sirius," he pleaded, Sirius nodded.
"Thank you Reggie," Sirius whispers.
"Are you still okay with masculine terms? Can I call you dude, bro, mate?" Regulus gives him a playful smile.
"You can," Sirius laughs.
"Do you prefer a brother or a sibling?" Regulus asks another question, Sirius frowns, they don't know "okay, let's think about it, we'll try this and that, okay? If there's something you don't like, tell me," he encourages with a smile.
"Thank you," Sirius whispers.
"As I understand it, this stays between us for now?" Regulus asks with a sad smile.
"I'd be grateful," Sirius nods.
<<<>>>
Swimming lessons and meetings with Remus continued until the end of the month, two more weeks of two-hour swimming sessions, full of talk, jokes and flirtation.
"Hello sexy lifeguard," Sirius greets cheerfully as they leave the locker room.
"Hi Sirius," Remus smiles at them.
Over the course of those few meetings, they developed something like friendship.
And since it was a friendship and their meetings would end in less than two weeks, Sirius could be risky, after all, they could always break off the relationship, after the end of classes, they could handle it. (Same as he dealt with their crush on Remus, which he just pushed to the bottom of their mind and stubbornly ignored, huh?)
"I'm going with them/them right now so I'd appreciate it if you applied to that," Sirius nod to Remus. "I'm still okay with he/him so don't worry if you don't want to use it," they smile.
"Why shouldn't I use it? It's okay Sirius, sure, it's not a problem," he assures.
"Thanks," they smile "It's just, you know, many people don't like it."
"What exactly?" Remus frowns.
"Complicated things," Sirius shrug "which I am," they add, smiling crookedly "and that's why they don't like me either."
"Pronouns aren't complicated at all, you don't give people a problem asking them to address you correctly," Remus announces solemnly.
"Thanks," Sirius grin.
Why does Sirius always have to hit Remus with something heavy when they meet? How after some confession, Remus has to follow James' advice?
How is he going to ask Sirius out when Sirius has just left him with something much more important and now it looks like he's just waiting for it, it will turns out Remus only started to like him now that they're non-binary or something, and that's not true, Remus is drooling to them for a month and–
"I'm glad you can tell me," he says with a gentle smile.
Maybe that's a bad thing to say, maybe Sirius is telling everyone they works with because they want others to address them correctly, it makes sense doesn't it? But on the other hand, Sirius looked so insecure informing Remus that he didn't have to comply, something in thier eyes screaming fear as they tried to lightly say what pronouns they want.
"I'm glad that I can," Sirius laughed, shaking thier head "you are the second person I told, do you feel special?" Sirius grin happily, Remus nods in amusement before realizing that... the second? He frowns. "Don't be jealous of my brother," they nudge him with amusement.
So even thier parents don't know about it? That's... sad.
<<<>>>
Sirius felt more confident after meeting Remus, after all, they now had two people telling them it was okay, that they were okay.
So Sirius ended up in Mary, their best friend's room. They did what they usually did, talking, playing games, and painting their nails.
"Mary?" Sirius start at some point, the girl hums encourage "would you still be friends with me if I was a girl?" They ask, it's quiet and uncertain and very, very fragile.
"Sure, I'd probably even crush on you, you're pretty," she grins "Sirius?" Her eyebrows furrow slightly as she thinks about something. "Sirius, do you–" her eyes begin narrowing as she looks at them "do you wish to be a girl?"
"No," they answer honestly, it's quiet and real. Mary nods. A few minutes of silence develops between them. "I don't quite know what I am yet," they make the final decision "but I'm definitely something," they murmured.
"Yes Sirius, you are definitely something," she agrees.
"I'm not a boy," they mumble "but I'm not a girl either," they frown "I'm everything and nothing," they decides quietly "and it's really confusing, I don't want people to see me as a boy or a girl, I want them to se ma as a person," they purssed their lips "and well, I'm going by they/them now, I thought you'd like to know," they end with a faint smile.
"Of course darling," she smiles at them softly.
<<<>>>
Sirius lay quite comfortably on their bed, they were exhausted after a whole day on the film set where the whole team played one and the same scene over and over again because it didn't go well, the director did it only to spite Sirius, because in the end he chose the second take!
Sirius didn't know why, but they guessed it was because of their beautiful new pin. Regulus handed them a pin, it's a small gift, black round and small with the words "my pronouns are they/them" on it.
Sirius grinned widely, it's a little thing they won't catch in pictures and will allow strangers to address Sirius correctly, they can take it off at any time which means that thier mother wouldn't see it, and if she did, she'd take it for a joke.
Sirius grinned even wider as Regulus showed them his, identical pin only with he/him. It's a small gesture but Sirius felt supported and loved and it felt so... nice.
It was nice having someone to support you no matter what. Their mother spent years trying to turn them against each other, but... she did not achieve success.
Regulus and Sirius discovered very early that their mother loved them in different ways, that she hurt them in different ways as well, and then there was only support and understanding between them, there was no initial jealousy, because Walbugra considers Regulus a perfect child, because Sirius is her favorite because they has better features.
Regulus loved Sirius and Sirius loved Regulus, there was nothing that could change that.
No matter how Wlaburga tried to turn the brothers against each other and create unhealthy competition between them for her love and attention, they did not fall for her trick.
<<<>>>
"Sirius," it's night, it's late and dark but Regulus found his way to Sirius' room, he did it often and every time he did it as noiselessly and quietly as some cat.
He always scared Sirius by popping up next to them out of the unknown.
"Yes Reggie?" They whisper back, they sat on the bed, making room for Regulus, smilingly patted the place, encouraging him to join them.
"I meet a boy," Regulus admits quietly, but not because he's whispering, it's because he's afraid of those words.
Regulus remembers Sirius' and their mother's arguments too well when she discovered Sirius was gay to say it calmly.
He remembers crying sitting under the closed door of his room and listening to her screaming, listening to all the name-calling, just because Sirius weren't what they were supposed to be (according to her).
Regulus listened to it crying and hugging himself because he already knew, that he is also not perfect, that he is also attracted to boys, and it was bad.
Regulus knew he had lost her love that day and he also knew that he would never have the courage to tell her that, he would never be as brave as Sirius to admit his orientation, he would never come out.
Regulus had already resigned himself to the idea that one day he would marry a nice girl, probably Pandora Lovegood, he wouldn't be so disappointed, he loved her in his own way, she was his soulmate, best friend and she was good, it will be good, it would be worse if it came to producing an heir, Merlin that would be awkward since they were friends.
But Regulus lived with the idea that he would fulfill the task of the heir. After all, he was the spare.
Regulus wanted Sirius to be happy more than anything else in the world. He wanted to give them a chance at a happy life, and when Sirius told him about that chocolate-eyed instructor, Regulus knew Sirius would.
"Tell me," Sirius just smile, making it easier.
"He makes my heart light up with joy," he smiles, it's a faint smile.
"It's good, it's very good Reggie, tell me about him," they ask and are so excited that the stone drops from Regulus' heart and he breathes a sigh of relief.
"I don't know what to tell you," Regulus's eyes shine, Sirius smiles knowingly "his name is James," and at the moment Sirius is too excited to put any facts together because hey, James is a very common name, okay? "He's always smiling, he has such a nice smile," Regulus smiles dreamily "his hair looks so soft and merlin, he's adorable, he's so sweet, he's pretty, he's well built and so bright, I don't know how to explain it to you but he's so fucking bright," something written on Regulus's face looks like love and Sirius can't contain their joy and hugs him tightly.
"How did you meet him? Your sunshine boy?" Sirius wiggle their eyebrows playfully and Regulus chuckles.
"I met him in therapy," he admits quietly.
"Yeah?" Sirius smile slightly, something tender in their eyes.
It's still a tough topic for Regulus.
Regulus's eating disorders got worse last year. He struggled with them for a long time, probably from the moment when, being twelve years old, starving him by their mother stopped being a punishment and started to be a relief.
But it wasn't until last year that it got so bad that his mother put him in a center. She would rather her child be considered mentally ill than dead.
Regulus avoided food for so long that he not only fainted every now and then but ended up in the hospital where he was fed intravenously, he was weak and underweight was a big understatement for him. But after a month in the center it was better, they helped him and Regulus returned home with an order to continue cooperation with a psychologist.
Walburga found the best of the psychiatric offices in the city and registered Regulus.
Regulus went there with a pretty good attitude, his psychiatrist was very nice, she was wonderful and helped him feel good, she was so lovely. Regulus has overcome his problems. He visited the psychologist's office quite often, but it was effective. Step by step he moved forward, it was starting to get better.
And Sirius were proud of him.
"So in general, I've already passed him a few times," Regulus begins "he even greeted me three times," he says happily "it was always a few minutes before I was called inside but yesterday," he pauses, looking down at his hands. "I didn't tell you right away yesterday because I had to sort it out myself first," he confesses quietly.
"And that's okay," Sirius assure with a reassuring smile.
"Well, as I said my psychiatrist was late," he starts again "and he came too early for his appointment," here he looks uncertainly at Sirius.
"What?" Sirius frown "you're worried that–" they frown even harder "that's good, Regulus that's good, great even, that means he's taking care of himself right?" They assure. "It would be more worrying if he didn't try to heal himself, it's good that he cares about whatever is bothering him," Sirius assure calmly.
"I think so too," Regulus nodded "he wanted to gossip with the receptionist but she wasn't there so he was bored looking through the magazines and I decided to talk to him, you know?"
"You did?" Sirius smiled proudly.
"Yeah," he nodded "we chatted a bit and," he bite his lip "in that magazine he read was a compatibility quiz and we did it for a laugh," Regulus informs "we get 96%, that was so fucking funny," he laughed at the memory.
"True destiny," Sirius grined.
"Yes, and also," he looked down chewing on his lower lip "so he," Regulus takes a deep breath "he had this cake, and- and he wanted," Regulus swallows nervously, talking about food was easier now, but sweets were still somewhat of a taboo for him "he wanted to give me a piece," he informs, quiet nervous "and it was a damn good piece of cake," he finishes with pursed lips.
"You ate it," Sirius jump in place excited "I'm so proud of you Reggie!" They hug him tightly.
"I had a little trouble with dinner after that but other than that it was really okay," he says slowly "he said he baked it himself, it was lemon cake from his mom's recipe," he adds with a little smile.
"It's so good to hear Reg," Sirius grin happily.
"We talked for a while and then my psychologist came in so we had to say goodbye and you know what? He gave me his number." Regulus announces with a proud smile.
"Children, they grow up so fast," Sirius wipe away an invisible tear.
"So we wrote yesterday and today," Regulus continues "he sent me "good morning" with a kiss, do you understand? How do you respond to that shit?" He groaned "and we're going on a date next week so if I have a boyfriend sooner than you, don't be offended," he sticks his tongue out to Sirius.
"It can't be!" Sirius inform indignantly. hidden amusement in their eyes. "I won't let that happen, my baby brother?" They huff, then step forward and starts tickling Regulus, who kicks and tries to pull away and hold back his laughter.
<<<>>>
Today is the day Sirius will do it, they will ask Remus Lupin out, they will do it.
They will do it as soon as they see him, though maybe not, they will do it when they leave in case he says no and then it would be awkward for next two hours.
But they will do it, today is the day.
Sirius couldn't do much, not when they was in the water in thier swimming trunks only, so they couldn't dress up properly, they had to make up for it with a smile.
Classes passed in a great atmosphere as usual, Remus and Sirius talked in the meantime about everything and nothing and Sirius wanted to look for something more than the usual instructor-client contact in it, they wanted it to be friendship and they thought it was because Remus was babbling about how his best friend's sister is pregnant for an hour and they laugh a bit and it was good, it was funny, it was great.
And when class was over, Sirius caught Remus's attention once more, they looked into his eyes and opened their mouths to say something, immediately closed them, opened them again. Their gazes are still locked and a lot of emotions flow through them.
Remus has been building his courage all day today, today is the day, he will do it today, today he will finally ask Sirius out on a date.
It's the last week, they're ending their cooperation, they only have 4 hours left and Remus didn't want to lose what they had. He wanted to continue and deepen it. He wanted to kiss Sirius, he wanted to admire them, he wanted to love them.
He will ask today.
But when Sirius look at him, their eyes are all he sees, so bright and sparkling.
They are so beautiful.
The world stops and they just stare at each other, neither of them takes a step forward but then suddenly:
"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Remus asks.
"Do you want to go on a date with me?" Sirius asks in the exact same moment.
And then:
"What?"
"What?"
"No, no, what did you say?" Sirius shake their head, eyes wide open in disbelief.
"I asked if you wanted to go on a date with me," Remus repeats, a smug smile on his lips.
"Fucking hell," Sirius burst out "of course I do," they nod vigorously.
And then they laughed.
<<<>>>
Their date was scheduled for the day after their collaboration at the pool ended, so Remus would have no problem at work for getting involved with clients.
Sirius took it very seriously, that's all getting ready. They were only going to dinner but Sirius felt it was a big deal and wanted to prepare properly.
The last time they was on a date was when they was still in school, which was fifteen, after that they switched to homeschooling.
And Sirius had forgotten how stressful it was. Sirius wanted to present themself well. They wanted to make a good impression.
Remus would see them in their clothes for the first time. Should Sirius stay with their style or change something?
They had been preparing for a long time.
They looked in the mirror feeling ready and took a deep breath.
They were beautiful.
Beauty is a word whose meaning changes according to everyone, people's concepts of beauty have always been different.
But Sirius Black knows they are beautiful.
They have to be.
Sirius knows that no one will tolerate their personality if they weren't beautiful, they know that. As thier mother said, his face is their only good feature, and Sirius will accept it if this is all he can get.
They will take any form of love they can get, hoping that it will fill the void in his heart. Sirius fixes thier hair every day, does their makeup and adds everything they can add to their look that will make them look more attractive.
No one will love you if you're unattractive.
They are not an idiot, they know that the nice words said to them are actually said just to get them, but they will still smile at people who compliment them and try to really believe those words for a moment.
Remus was a bit different. They don't want empty words, empty compliments from Remus. Sirius felt like it was going to be something else this time.
Something more.
Something beautiful.
They just hoped they weren't wrong.
"You're beautiful," Remus chose his first words as they met outside the restaurant.
And Sirius got it, that tender smile, that gentle look, the fact that he said 'you are' and not 'you look', as if he was referring to his person and not his appearance.
"Thank you," they smile shyly, it's because of the compliment.
It's not like Sirius who throws compliments left and right and flirts non-stop. It's different and Remus admires it. They are adorable. Their cheeks take on color blushing and thier eyes glow, a smile dances on thier lips.
They made the stars look like they're just a decorations.
"Shall we?" He smiles slightly and they walk inside together.
As they sit down at the table, Sirius take a moment to look at Remus.
First, they scanned his face, they was good at figuring out human emotions, at recognizing their facial expressions, they spent their entire childhood walking on eggshells in their home, afraid to make their mother angry that they knew human emotions and reactions too well, and they were an actor, they simply had to be good at it.
They were trying not to focus too much on Remus' mouth and wanting to kiss him, it's their first date, okay?
His outfit is formal but not elegant and Sirius appreciates it.
It's brown cushdom pants and a cozy-looking sweater, it's a cute outfit, Sirius thought it would fit an employee in a book store.
They also notice that Remus has two different socks, one red and the other gold, and they can't stop a smile from forming on their lips because of it.
Remus also takes his time to admire Sirius, to focus on their silver star necklace, it's lovely. He takes the time to look at their hair, indeed the long ones were beautiful and more their style, but Sirius are beautiful in anything. He also focuses on their lovely bright eyes, almost like pure silver, on their smooth-looking full lips and colarebones peeking out from behind their shirt.
They're so hot, somebody hold him, please.
"Thank you Remus, it was lovely," Sirius smiles at him as after the two hour walk they made after dinner and the clock strikes 10 pm they decide it's time to go home.
Of course they arrange another meeting and exchange phone numbers, they both are so happy.
"It was," he agreed.
For a moment they just stare into each other's eyes, not knowing how to say goodbye, for a brief moment Remus thinks Sirius are about to kiss him, but they leans in and what does they do? They hugs him.
"I had to check if he is as soft as it looks," they confess to Remus, they cuddled up to him.
"My sweater?" Remus chuckles.
"Yeah," Sirius hides their smile in his shoulder.
Sirius couldn't stop themself from thinking that if Remus decided to hold him without hurting him, he would be the first to do so. And Sirius begs and prays for it to happen.
Sirius returns home, Regulus is already waiting for them, asking about the details of their date.
A few days ago, Sirius did the same, so they just smile and start rambling on about his lover's freckles.
"You didn't kiss him!?" Regulus throws his hands up in shock and disappointment.
"Look, I wanted okay?" They assure "but it's only the first date!" They try to explain.
"And?" Regulus raises his eybrows. "I wanted a lot more than kissing on the first date," he says casually with a shrug "I tried on the other one but James said he won't fuck with me," he makes a sad face "he said he would because, hello, who wouldn't but he said no because he doesn't want it to look like like he was taking advantage or whatever, he's lovely. Really, he's the kindest person ever." Reg smiles.
"I can't believe my own brother, my little brother is such a slut," Sirius groaned.
"Not everyone is a virgin waiting for someone special for thier first time," Regulus smiles cutely, Sirius hides his face in his hands "wait," Reg opens his eyes wider "you didn't–"
"Shut up," they murmur.
"But you've been in so many relationships," Regulus points out.
"Most of them set up by mother or made for the public," Sirius remind him, Regulus frowns.
"Right," he murmurs "I just didn't expect you to be," he sighed "you know."
"I didn't expect that you won't be," Sirius says indignantly "you're only sixteen, you're just a baby!" They threw his arms up, Regulus laughs.
"Yeah?" Regulus raises an eyebrow teasingly. "I get off Barty when we were like fourteen," he shrugs.
"What the fuck, Reg," Sirius just sat there with thier mouth open.
"But James is lovely, really," Regulus smiles tenderly "he makes me happy you know? And I think that's enough," he whispers softly "the other day he wanted to take me on a date and he suggested we go to a restaurant so I didn't want to say no to him, did I? But I didn't want to go either, so I told him about my eating disorder and that I don't feel comfortable in restaurants when I can't see or know how a dish is prepared," he informs.
"But you hate talking about it," Sirius look at him with a proud smile.
"Yes, he makes it easier, that talking," Regulus smiles "but that's not all, you know what he did? He said if I want, he can come to me or I to him. What suits me better and we can prepare a meal together so I can control what is going on step by step and damn I went to him and he was so kind and understanding and you know what he did? He made me my fucking safe food and he didn't even know it."
"He's good, huh?" Sirius smile.
"You have no idea," Regulus smiles again. In general, he was somehow all smiling since he met this James of his. "I think I'm falling in love Sirius," he whispers.
It's a sentence he's afraid of, but he says it anyway because it's true.
<<<>>>
The second date left Remus and Sirius with their first kiss.
It was sweet, so, so sweet.
And the third, the third brought some questions to Remus' mind.
Remus thought a lot about Sirius, a lot.
Sometimes he analyzed the color of thier eyes for hours, sometimes he overthings every word they exchanged, sometimes he just thinks about them.
They had spent a lot of time together, but Remus was only now noticing how insecure Sirius were, and his heart was breaking, because how could someone like them think so low of theyself?
Every compliment Remus gave them lit up thier face in a unique way, but it wasn't always just joy, it was disbelief.
How could Sirius not believe how beautiful they are?
They don't think people love them.
They love versions of them, they have spun for them, versions of them they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of them, the easy parts of Sirius to love.
Sirius didn't feel confident, they were afraid that when Remus saw them without any masks he would get scared and leave them. They were angry with themself for thinking so, because Remus was far too good for that, he would never do that to anyone. But that's just how Sirius' insecurities was.
They tried to slowly open up to him, they wanted to open up, they wanted to be closer to him, they wanted to trust him, they wanted to love him, they hoped they had found the right person.
So they talk more and more honestly and it was good, really good, Remus was making it easier.
He must have been some kind of wizard because Sirius felt safe around him.
Remus somehow magically found the golden mean, Sirius had no idea if he was aware of it, but he did it for them and it helped them a lot.
With Sirius, it was hard to aim. They wanted others to compliment thier beauty, because Sirius wanted to be beautiful to others, he wanted others to admire him, they needed to believe they were beautiful because a voice in thier head was screaming that they weren't.
But on the other hand they wanted to be liked and loved for more than his face, they wanted someone to see thier insides too and Remus did it for him and Sirius were happy. So fucking happy.
Remus made Sirius feel beautiful.
Remus made Sirius feel good.
The fourth date is greeted with a kiss.
Sirius had warned Remus that their pictures might end up in the press or on the internet, while ensuring that his face should be blurred because he was not a public figure. Remus knew the risks and took it. Sirius knew the information could reach thier mother but he didn't care too much, just a few more weeks and he would be an adult anyway.
They have a nice afternoon together, they walk around the park laughing every now and then, it's a nice day.
They went to the park after seeing the latest exhibition at the art gallery, it was the highlight of the day but both of them found it boring so they leave fast and enjoyed the nice weather.
Sirius walked Remus home around six o'clock. As they stood outside his apartment as the sun went down and they kissed each other goodbye.
"Do you want to go inside?" Remus asks, breaking the kiss.
"What?" Sirius's eyes are big, it's surprise and fear, and oh Merlin, panic shows on Remus's face as well.
"I didin't mean it like that, I promise," he assures quickly. "I just– fuck," he chuckled "we can drink tea and watch something I promise I don't mean any naughty things," he promises and puts his hand to his heart.
It's not the right time to take their relationship to that level, not when Sirius is just learning how to feel nice, how to feel good. When they are just learning the concept of good touch.
"Sure," Sirius nod "but keep your hands to yourself," they warn with a soft laugh.
They land on the couch in Remus's living room, and the movie isn't very interesting, so they kiss.
Sirius is a excellent kisser, really, it's not that surprising, because they has a lot of experience after all, they can't even count how many people and how many times they kissed on a movie set, they's just good at it. Kissing is easy.
As Remus had promised, he meant nothing more, all they did was kiss and it was good.
Sirius comes home smiling.
Their parents are gone for the weekend, which is good news and which means they and Regulus can invite their friends over and do whatever they please.
They were about to run to Regulus and offer him a sleepover with Barty, Pandora, Mary, Frank, and Alice when they found something very unexpected in their damn kitchen.
"What?" Is all that comes out of their mouths because the shock is too much. They just stand there with their mouth open in shock.
What the hell is James Potter doing in their kitchen? Why is he in only shorts? Why is he shirtless? Why is his hair wet? There are so many questions swirling around in their head.
James, on the other hand, looks at them with his eyes widened so much it must hurt, his face is pure stress and panic, at the moment he looks like a deer in the middle of the road straight on which a speeding car is going.
James opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He doesn't know what to say because the gears in his head just clicked, only now did he realize that Regulus and Sirius were brothers and that—
"Oh hey Sirius, I was sure you weren't coming back for night," something shine teasingly in Regulus's eyes "have you met James yet?" He asks casually "James Sirius, Sirius James," he briefly introduces and jumps on the kitchen counter. He smiles cheerfully, frowns when no one answers "what?"
"Fuck," Sirius finally breaks eye contact with James. They tugs at their hair and sigh heavily "fucking hell, him?" Sirius turns to Regulus, pointing thier finger to James "Really, Reg? Stop stealing my friends, you asshole," they huffs.
"You know each other?" Regulus narrows his eyes.
"Yeah, we're friends," James smiles awkwardly and adjusts his glasses nervously.
"You must be kidding me," Regulus groaned. "You won't let me do a single thing by myself, attention slut," he points accusingly at Sirius.
"At least I'm not brother friends-fucker," Sirius snap back.
"You kissed Barty this one time! Don't forget about that, you twat," Regulus snorts.
"Well, Barty kissed everyone ever," Sirius defend themself "which is puzzling that he never got herpes from it," they frown "and it was fucking spin the bottle, I didn't do it on purpose, you brat!"
"Have you seen this guy, you prick? If you chose less hot friends, there would be no problem," Regulus points out.
"So it's my fault? All right, you moron," Sirius snort.
"So what? I have to share him?" Regulus groaned in displeasure.
"I–" James tries, horrified look still on his face.
"Shit, I'm so sorry James," Regulus rushes to fix it right away "it's just like siblings do, they're not even angry, they're acting," he assures quickly "calm down," he smiles slightly. "I'm sorry I didn't include you in the conversation, and treated you as an object for a second, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry," he apologizes.
"Yeah okay," James smiles at him. "I'm sorry Sirius," he turns to them.
"Are you?" Sirius smile playfully.
"Not a bit," James shrugs, Sirius burst out laughing.
"You're stupid," Regulus snaps, looking at Sirius.
"Yeah? Why is that?" Sirius rolls his eyes.
"You didn't get it was about James from any of my talk about him, hello, James Potter, I don't think there's more than one," he rolls his eyes, Surius huffs.
"Fuck off,: they give him a middle finger "hey James, I guess we're going to be brothers-in-law, do you want to hear what names Regulus chose for your future kittens?" They say to tease Regulus whose face turns red. James kisses his nose, adorable.
"Oh, I would love to," James grins happily.
<<<>>>
Sirius's eyes widen, they're big, panicked. They swallow with stress. They shivered and their breathing became unbalanced, fast and ragged.
They were kissing and it was nice, they were snogging and it was nice, their hands were roaming over each other's bodies and it was nice, Remus was touching their chests and it was nice, Remus's hands were warm, they were so nice. These very nice and warm hands at some point slid to the waistband of their pants and kisses moved to thier jaw and Sirius... Sirius panicked.
"Hi, what's wrong?" Remus pulls away as soon as he felt how tense they have become. As he meets Sirius's eyes and the thousand questions and uncertainties in them, he frowns slightly "you've never done that?" He asks gently, Sirius shakes his head feeling ashamed, even though there was no rudeness or laughter in the question, just a question.
It's just weird, Remus was sure Sirius had done these things before with how good they was at kissing and flirting.
But that was simple. Sirius just knew how to talk to people, they could manipulate and play them. Flirting was simple, it was banal, kisses were easy too, especially the fleeting ones, the ones that meant nothing.
With Remus it was different, the kisses, it was more complicated, and it gave Sirius new emotions and feelings, but it was still easy, it was something they knew.
It all was simple but an intimate touch?
Sirius was panicking.
Intimacy was a zone associated with love, with something big, with something important and it was stressful. Sirius would definitely do something wrong, and even if they don't, what if Remus just didn't like them that way?
They are not ready for sex.
Is it wrong? It's bad right? It is.
They should, they should want. After all, they're almost 18 years old, people start this whole chapter with physicality and intimacy much earlier.
Sirius should–
"Hey, stop that," it's a gentle whisper "are you okay with the touch now?" He makes sure before he gently removes their hands from their face, Sirius' eyes are red as if they're holding back tears. "It's okay," he whispers tenderly wrapping his arms around them "you're okay," he assures "nothing wrong with you, okay?" He whispers, tucking a stray strand of hair behind their ears. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I should have asked, shouldn't I? I don't know what your relationship with this is and if you're asexual or–" he starts with a soft smile, Sirius snaps thier head up almost colliding with Remus's jaw.
"I am not," they shakes thier head "literally after our first meeting all I could think was 'merlin I want to fuck with him', I wanted and I still want," they says, pressing their lips together in a tight line "but," they looks down again "but now it's like more difficult and complicated," they blink fast, doesn't understand thier body or thier thoughts "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so weird," they mumble quietly.
"Hey, hey, you're not wierd," Remus immediately denies it "it's okay it's normal to be scared if you've never done it before, it's new to you so it stresses you out and that's okay, nothing wrong with that," he assures "if you don't feel ready, if you feel something is wrong, don't force yourself, it's normal to be insecure, it's important to feel comfortable and if you don't feel comfortable, take your time," he whispers "we don't have to do anything, nothing at all, if you want to, but not now, don't worry, we have time, and if you don't want to at all, that's fine too, we don't have to do anything. You're damn hot but the physical aspect of the relationship isn't the most important thing," he smiles softly "would you like us to wait with that?:
"Yeah, I would like that," they admit quietly and hesitantly, as if afraid they're doing something wrong, that they shouldn't say no.
<<<>>>
Half an hour left until thier birthday. Half an hour and they'll be an adult and of age.
Sirius wait for the clock to strike midnight to lock thier accounts at the exact second it does.
Thier money from film productions in which they participated in most of the money was located in thier accounts, because as part of the contract and social assistance intervention, according to the law, the money was due to them, although the accounts were linked to an adult, in this case thier mother, so she had access to thier bank statements and could control their spending, Sirius knowing she checks what they buying can't count how many times they had bought bizarre things just to upset her.
Sirius will have power over their money from now on, and it give them some freedom. They know that in the morning there will be a fight about it, but they don't care, they realizes that their mother, wanting to make them dependent on her, will wipe their accounts as soon as she wakes up.
Sirius have to be faster. She had planned their day specifically so that Sirius would faint from exhaustion and not make it past midnight, oh she had too little faith in them.
Ten minutes after midnight they was their own person, they had enough money to live comfortably in good conditions until thier death, maybe it was worth starting working at three after all.
Their earnings, combined with the inheritance from the elders of their family line, made a really nice money.
There were moments when Sirius was grateful for where and in what family they were born.
Although they were frightfully rich and famous, they were not harassed by the paparazzi, it was probably related to their mother's connections in various corporations. So they didn't have much to do with the bad side of fame. Their mother protected them from it all too well during their childhood.
Everyone in their family was known and famous. The Blacks were important people, even though most of the time in the shadows and there was not much about them in the media, about them, yes, a lot, but about their private life, you wouldn't find two sentences, everything revolved only around work.
Their father was a judge, their mother a model when she was younger, now she ran a fashion magazine with their cousin Belatrix, Narcisia was a model for them, just like Reggie, Reggie was a child clothes model but ended his career two years ago when his mental problems had to be hidden from the world, Sirius was an actor, their uncle was a politician, their aunt was a celebrity manager.
It was a really rich family.
<<<>>>
"I thought maybe you'd like to meet my friends? Lilly just got back from her sister's," Remus suggests during one of their dates.
"I would love to," Sirius grins.
So the meeting has been arranged, next Friday they are to meet at Marlene's house, because she is alone at the moment, her parents went on business trips.
"So there will be Lilly and James, they are the most important ones, I am closest to them, you know?" He smiles. Sirius knows they are Remus' favorites, he talks about them all the time "Lilly is," and here he starts another lecture about her and Sirius listens because they loves his voice "and James," he starts.
"Oh, I know who James is," Sirius snorts, Remus looks at him with a raised eyebrow, quiet amused "we've known each other for a while, you probably know that," they's sure he mentioned it earlier, and that James told him about them as well "but this fucker is in a relationship with my brother now," he informs with a huff.
"Oh, so I'm guessing he'll be there too," Remus frowns. "I'll meet your brother?" He asks, suddenly panicked.
"He'll be too busy making out with James to notice your presence," Sirius snorts "who else will be there?" They ask curiously.
"Peter, he's funny, definitely my favourite after my favourites. Then there's Marlene, she has a party, she's cool, kind of scary but you will love her, who else? Evan. Evan is fucking awesome, he's the most easygoing person ever, he's like James but without ADHD, they're besties, well, who else? Dorcas! How could I forget, she and Marlene are pinning for each other, we have bets when they end up together," Remus lists. "It will be a meeting only for the closest friends, so there won't be that many of them," he informs. "You can take someone with you," he suggest "as far as I know, the person accompanying James, your brother I assume, takes two people with him, emotional support or whatever," he smiles amused.
"Barty and Pandora," Sirius guess immediately. "I'll take Mary then. she can't feel left out," they decide.
"Sure," Remus smiles.
How good was this party? Fucking amazing.
By the time it end, you could have seen Mary and Lilly exchanging phone numbers, Barty and Evan snogging in the corner, Marlene and Dorcas disappearing into the upstairs room. Pandora was talking to Lilly and Mary about flowers feeling great.
James was cleaning out of kindness, Malrene was his childhood best friend, he was in this house as much as at his own, and so was Peter. So they cleaned.
Regulus was falling asleep on the couch, he was tired of the amount of people he met today. Remus was keeping him company by reading quietly, Sirius would have loved it but now they was babbling to James about how Marlene had agreed to paint his nails.
The first thing Sirius said when Malrene opened the door was: You look stunning.
She laughed and told him "I'm gay" to which they replied "me too and what?" and they were laughing out loud together.
"I love your jacket," Sirius said solemnly. It was a black leather jacket with flowers sewn on the sleeve, Marlene did it herself, it was really beautiful.
Regulus looked at Remus, scanning him with his eyes, summing it all up with a teasing look and a "hot nerd", Remus laughs saying "I like you".
Conversations went on for hours, snacks and alcohol constantly drained from the table. It was fun.
Everyone had a lovely evening. Really.
<<<>>>
One of the things about Sirius: they hate enclosed spaces, locked rooms and all thay. It's not like they's claustrophobic, it's just the thought of not being able to go out whenever they want makes them panic.
The other thing about Sirius: they were in a panic right now.
Sirius paced around the room pulling the doorknob every five minutes, hoping it would be open this time. It was not.
Sirius tugged at thier hair, screamed, punched their pillow and cried.
They was crying, sobbing and screaming.
They was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and then they moved to the bed and to the floor again. They didn't have much to do in their room, they had already gone through all the books, magazines, posters and records they had and it was only the third day.
Sirius didn't know how long their mother would keep them there under the pretext that they were sick, so no one would care.
Regulus was not at home, she had taken him somewhere. Sirius knew because Regulus would be the first one to bother opening his room door at night, he knew how much Sirius hated being locked up, Regulus would be the first to talk to them in morse code by hitting the wall between their rooms, he knew how much Sirius hated being alone, he would be the first to smuggle them food and water, he knew how hard it was for Sirius.
But Regulus was gone and Sirius were alone.
They were alone in their room, with no access to the outside world, one window was all they had at the moment to tell day from night.
The lamps were on constantly and their eyes hurt, Sirius tried to sleep, tried to sleep it off so that time would pass faster so they could go outside and be free sooner. It didn't work.
Whenever they closed his eyes, they woke up screaming. Nightmares. They hated them.
Sirius got a glass of water for the whole day and one meal every two days, they divided it into smaller portions so that hunger did not bother them so much. They ate small portions of food from time to time and somehow held on, they also divided water, they used their resources wisely, because when they were the younger, they didin't know they should do that. They remember drinking all the water at once and going around thirsty the rest of the day and that was worse than anything.
Sirius was knocking on windows and doors begging to be let out, but people around had another order so no one cared. Sirius begged, calling their mother, just as they did when they were five. They felt humiliated.
They never begged unless for freedom.
And why did all this happen?
Why was they isolated? For his own good Walburga Black would say but Sirius Black would give you a completely different version.
So when Sirius came home three days ago, they had bumped into their mother in the hallway, and she looked at them sternly.
"What is this?" She asks in a dry voice "Sirius, tell me what it is," she demands, her mouth pressed into a thin line.
"What? That?" they grin at her "my nails are painted, do you like it?" They ask a little too defiantly, their hair tied up, one of the strands pinned with a star-shaped clip. Marlene was so nice giving it to them. Sirius looks at their yellow nails with smiley faces on them, they love it.
"You have to take it off right now!" She demands sharply. "You're a man," she insist "you should be ashamed to show yourself wearing something like that, were you on the street like that? You couldn't bring me a greater disappointment!" She scoffs.
"Oh mother," they laugh. "Is it a good time to tell you I'm not a boy?" They ask with a cute smile.
"Don't make fun of me son, stop right now or you'll regret it," she demands, her voice is sharp, it's bitter.
"I'm they/them, thanks mom," they grin at her, they're pushing the boundaries and they know they're on the fine line, but they're sick of hiding, they're an adult, what can she do to them, now?
"You are such a disgrace to me. You have no gratitude or respect!" Sirius just smile "will that smirk leave your face when I tell you I know about your sweet little romance?" She snaps at him, Sirius's breathing quickens, she lies, she must be lying. "How could you do this to me?" She asks, Sirius knew she's not joking right now "what son is capable of treating his mother in such a terrible way? How dare you? You're nothing more then disgrace, you understand?" She hissed, Sirius swallow nervously. "You will end this ridiculous relationship of yours right now. Do you understand? Do it and you avoid the consequences," she informs bitterly, threatens. Sirius are shaking. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?" she repeats herself when Sirius fails to give her the desired answer. They trembles.
"I can't," they whisper.
"Don't," she hissed "you can and you will," she damands.
"But I love him," they whisper like a last resort, as if it will help them.
"Don't make me laugh, you and love?" She laughs. It's cruel. "Love? You're not capable of this, Sirius," their mother's voice is harsh, it's so sharp, it cuts their skin "what do you think this your boy sees in you?" She looks at them with something like pity, waiting for an answer. "You think he cares about something more than your money and your face?" She laughs "it's the only thing he could love about you," it's bitter and it stings, it's like thorns driven into Sirius' heart.
That's not true, Remus isn't like that. Sirius doesn't believe her, they won't believe her.
"You are not so naive to believe that someone loves you, please."
An argument ensues, arguments in the Black house never end well.
The next day, Sirius can't leave their room.
And so the week goes by.
On the seventh day, Walburga walks into their room with that proud look on her face, she looks almost pleased with the state she found Sirius in: curled up on the floor and shaking.
"Have you learned anything my boy?" she asks, looking at them like they're some kind of filth, like a bug.
"Yes mother," they whisper, their voice hoarse from crying and lack of water.
"I'm glad," she nodded and left.
Sirius have learned something: they have to get away from here.
<<<>>>
"She put me in fucking mental hospital!" Regulus's face is red with anger and annoyance "she told the doctors she was worried, she said I had a fucking suicide attempt," he hisses through clenched teeth "and that I won't stop talking about my death, fuck!"
"She–" Sirius blinks slowly "she what?" They look at their brother in disbelief.
"I'm so sorry Sirius, I'm so sorry you were here alone," he hugs them tightly.
"Don't worry. I'm happy you're here now," they assure.
Only later, after a long hug and kind words, comes the time for a more serious conversation.
"I won't stay here," Sirius states "I can't anymore," they whisper with tears in their eyes.
"I know, I won't ask it of you," Regulus smiles weakly "I love you, I know you would do anything for me but do something for yourself, okay?" He pleaded "leave this fucked up place behind as soon as you can, don't worry about me. I can handle it, I'm her angelic child, her perfect little boy, she favors me, she won't hurt me seriously," Regulus convinces them, his voice come out as a plea.
"Well, she certainly won't touch you when she finds out about James," Sirius says sarcastically "if she doesn't already know, you know how furious she'll be? She'll make your life hell, not only yours, his too," Sirius clenches his teeth. "I was sure that I could last another year, that I would do it for you and together we will leave this hell called home," they whispers.
"Sirius, I can take care of myself, I can handle it, it's only a year," Regulus whispers in response.
"It's a fucking year," they shakes their head "you can't do it, you know that she will forbid us from contacting each other, right? That she'll kick me off the family tree, you'll be her only heir, she won't let you go, you'll be her only chance, she'll do anything to make you do it her way and her plan has no place for your happiness so I can't leave you here, I can't let you do that, you can't treat yourself like that, you don't deserve it," Sirius are crying.
So is Regulus.
"Sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"It's not your fault Reggie, I will find a way, I always do," Sirius promises.
<<<>>>
"I had a trauma dump when James raised his voice when we were arguing, it wasn't even serious but he didn't keep screaming you know? He didint even leave me there. He stopped, walked over to me and apologized, asked if there was anything he could do, explained why he was angry and assured me that he wouldn't hurt me and then hugged me," Regulus whispers, there are tears in his eyes. He doesn't understand, doesn't know how to behave. He doesn't know how to be with someone who's so good "and then he asked if I wanted to talk about it and fuck, I did and I might have said too much," he looks down at his hands "so maybe but just maybe my custody transfer application is already under consideration."
"What?" Sirius blink quickly.
"I don't know either," Regulus whispers, it's like words are too heavy for him right now.
"That's so fucking great news Regulus!" Sirius hug him tightly.
"I can't go home," he whispers.
"You can't," Sirius agreed "I'll take care of your things Reggie," they assure "you can stay this week at Pandora's or at James's if you feel it's okay," they suggest.
<<<>>>
"Regulus looks good in every photo, I bet it's always been that way, it's not fair," James pouted.
"Have you seen his childhood photos?" Sirius look at him in disbelief "90% of his face was fucking eyes!"
"Regulus has very beautiful eyes," James defends.
"Thanks, love," Regulus smiles slightly.
"Fuck you," Sirius scowl at them.
"Want me to tell you that your eyes are pretty too?," Remus guesses, a note of amusement lurking in his eyes "you have the most beautiful and unique eyes I've ever seen," he starts with a soft smile "I look at them every day for years and each time I find something new in them, you think they are gray? They're not, it's not the color of storm clouds or cement, it's silver, it shines like silver and it's my favorite color since we met, I could look at them for hours and never get bored, I love your eyes," he finishes with a smile, Sirius glares at him all dreamy and Rrgulus pretends to vomit, James laughs.
"Gentlemen, can we finish these photos?" The photographer asks impatiently.
"They will be on our wedding invitations, they must be perfect!" James rushes to the place, Regulus follow.
They take pictures, changing poses to finally choose the best option, they had some ideas and wanted to test them all. Regulus acts like he's spent half his life in front of the camera (that's what he did) James, on the other hand, does not cooperate at all, practically in every picture he comes out with his eyes closed. But in the end, they get what they came for so it's good.
"James love, please remind me why we took them with us?" Regulus sighs heavily as Sirius falls into a bookcase full of photo albums.
"Because we love them," James smiles.
"Yeah, we really do," Regulus nodded.