its just a little dark right now[when will the sun come back out?]

last year, james would have told you that sirius black would have taken a silver bullet for each and every one of the marauders.
now, there are no marauders.

Peter spends all his time with Mary and Alice.
He avoids James when he tries to speak with him.
only offering shy smiles and anxious looks.

sirius hangs out with 7th years. he gets in trouble
just not the mischievous kind.
the bad kind where all the teachers share worried glances when they see him.
he stares blankly and answers in 1-word responses when james talks to him.

remus is just gone.
he is with lily. or with a group of slytherins.
james missed remus. a lot. almost more than sirius. if that was even possible.
remus blames james too.

as he should.
it was james' fault, what happened.
he should have known. he should have stopped it.
before sirius told snape, before snape got in the entrance, before moony saw him-before he smelled him.
he should have stopped it.

but he didn't.

they say it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

james disagrees.

he loves sirius, and he loves remus, and he loves peter.
james will not live in a world without them by his side. he will not.

james wanders.
he does not have anyone occupying his time now.
peter refuses to speak with him, sirius would rather be with anyone BUT him, and remus found new friends.
new dependable people.
did remus still want him on the moon? if he did would peter even show? sirius wouldn't, james knew that much.

it was 3 days prior to the full moon. james had to ask.he did not want to show up, and risk moony injuring himself due to the fact he was unwanted.
but he could also not risk the fact that moony might hurt himself BECAUSE he wasn't there. if moony needed him and he wasn't there...well, james would rather die.

"Remus? Can we please talk?" James went to him and asked. He had not spoken to Remus in quite a while. Days, weeks. Since it happened, since the hospital wing. Since Remus woke up, and no one was there but James.

Remus sat in the courtyard, by Barty Crouch, Evan Rosier, Pandora Lestrange, and Regulus Black.
Barty made a face.
"Bugger off-"
Remus stood.
"Come on James."

They walked towards the Black Lake. Neither saying anything for a long time.

"I want to be with you. If you'll have me. You're still my friend Remus. My closest friend. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want you to hurt yourself because of being alone, or because I'm there. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'll do anything for you, you know that. I just need you to tell me what, I need some sort of direction here. Please." James begged.

Remus looked at him, a sad look. A self-pitying look.

"I didn't think you would want to. Not after... not after I hurt you."

Oh...
James had forgotten.
He'd forgotten that Moony almost tore his arm off.
He'd forgotten that he was off the Quidditch team until they could tell more about any permanent damage [more than there already was]
he forgot about the constant pain, he forgot that it was moony who caused it.
but it was sirius. really.
james loved quidditch.
but not as much as he loved remus.

"Remus, nothing will ever keep me away from you. You didn't mean to hurt me. You didn't. That wasn't you-"

"I am the wolf, so it might as well have been-"
"It wasn't you who hurt me. It was Sirius. Not you, never you."

Pain crossed into Remus' eyes. His eyes squinching shut and his breathes drawing short.

"I'm sorry James. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry-"
"Stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong."

The sobs came in full force then.
"I just don't understand. I don't get it! I thought he was my friend. I thought he loved- I thought he was our friend!"
"I know. I know."
James held him.

They cried together by the Black Lake.

The full moon was hard without Sirius. It was hard without Peter. James had owled him, but he didn't show.

he didn't blame peter. peter was always an anxious sort, fearful.
james knew he was scared that night.
scared that james would die,
that snape would die.
scared of moony.
scared that he would die.

so he didn't blame him.
but he did.

moony didn't scratch as much, but it was more than usual. he scratched at Prongs.

After remus transformed back, he healed up a few of the deeper cuts.
madam Pomphrey would be here soon, but the longer they were open, the deeper it would scar. the more noticeable it would be.
remus didn't need anymore trouble.

james slipped back into the castle. blood dripping from his torso.
usually peter or sirius would have already healed him, but they weren't here.
james went to the Come and Go room.
he healed himself. it hurt.
he wasn't great at healing spells. that was sirius' foray.
it would scare.

as it should.
a reminder to never let remus get this hurt again.

he snuck to the prefect's bathroom.

washing off the blood.
remembering that night.
it hurt so bad that it hadn't hurt at all.
there was just blood.
lots and lots of blood.

there hadn't been time to transform.
he had to grab snape. snape fought him.
tried to curse moony
moony tried to attack them.
did attack them.
peter trying his best to distract moony.
getting swiped away and slammed into the wall with a single paw.

yelling, a lot of yelling.
and so, so much blood.

james finished his bath, dressed, and went to the hospital wing to wait for remus to wake.

it didn't take long. only half an hour after he arrived.
it felt like the same nightmare.
remus waking.
no one but james there.
james sitting [at least he wasn't in the bed beside him this time]
only james.
it hadn't been enough.
and looking at Remus' face,
he wasn't enough now.

he smiled.

"Rough night?" He winked.
remus smiled, jsut a little.

"Sod off Prongs."
"it was good Moons, we had a good night."

Peter tried to talk to him later. To apologize.
James said it was okay. No hard feelings.
Peter didn't have to come back until he was ready.
It was okay.
Peter looked relieved.
James saw him sitting with Sirius at lunch.
Sirius.
Sirus who was his best friend.
Sirius who was his brother.
Sirius who he loved.
Sirius who betrayed them.
Betrayed Remus.
Betrayed James.
Betrayed Peter.
Betrayed Gryffindor.

James didn't go to lunch.

the next time james saw remus was in the library.
james had time for homework now, so he didn't have to rush and do it the night before it was due.
his grades had never been better.
his mood had never been worse.
remus was sitting with Pandora Lestrange and Dorcas Meadows. He waved James over.

"Here, sit." James did. He sat neatly in the spot Remus pointed at him.

"Hey Moons." His voice was hoarse. He hasn't been speaking to that many people.

remus frowned, looking concerned.

"Alright James?"

"Yeah, just tired. I've been writing this essay for agessss." He drew out the ages and made his voice sound whiny. It worked, Remus laughed.

"You're doing school? I never thought I'd see the day?" The girls laughed a little bit as well.

"What essay is it James?" Pandora asked kindly.

"It's our potions one."
Remus looked suprised.
"Thats not due until 2 weeks from now."
James shrugged.
"What topic do you have?" Pandora asked.
I chose to write about the properties of unicorn hair used to treat different types of minor illnesses and how it can be better used towards treating more severe illnesses like dragon pox."
Pandora looked ecstatic.
"that will be glorious! you must let me read it when you finish!" James nodded and agreed.

James liked Pandora. She was amazing.
She asked him to sit with her at the Ravenclaw table with her at dinner. She had a friend that she thought would like to hear about his essay. He agreed.
He sat and pretended that he didn't feel Sirius and Peter watching him.

James was walking with Remus and Pandora to potions when Snape showed up.

"Out of my way mutt." He snapped. Remus flinched.

James didn't remember threatening Snape.

He just remembered blood. And yelling. Pleading. Screaming.

He remembered taking his wand out of his pocket.

"Enough James." Remus chided. James let go of Snape. He'd had him by the collar, blood dripping from his nose and onto James' fingers. Snape staring at him wide eyed.

"Sorry."

"I-" Remus began.

"It's alright James. Let's go to potions."

James loved Pandora.
Really.
She was a saint.

Sirius stared at James' hands in class. At the pinkish stain from the bits of blood he couldn't wipe off.

James sat by Remus, Pandora, Barty, Evan, and Regulus in the courtyard.
He didn't talk to them much. He knew Barty didn't like him. Regulus either. But he was there for Remus, not them.
He just worked on his essay. When he heard Sirius yelling with Peter on the other side, he didn't move, didn't look up.

He did look up when Barty gasped.
"Who did that to Snivellous? Got him good!" They all looked at Snape. The entire right side of his nose and cheekbone was black. His nose even more crooked. It had been broken. Snape met James' eyes and glared. A vicious, cruel, hateful glare. James didn't look away. Finally, Snape occupied himself with his book.

James went back to his essay.

James was checking the map. Just to see where everyone was. He did that now, all the time. He didn't need any more Suprise attacks. He shoved the paper in his bag when he saw Snape, Mulciber, and Avery come up behind him. He stood behind a corner. Waiting.

"Potter." Mulciber snarled.

"Ahh, as always a pleasure to see you mate." James said cheerfully. scratching at his legs. He wanted a fight. he wanted it.

"See, i don;t feel like it will be a pleasure now. I heard you did a number on Snape here. Broke his nose even."
James shrugged.
"I don't quite remember. Might need you to jog my memory."

Snape was fuming. Instantly pulling out his wand.

"SECTUM-"
"EXPELLIARMIS!" James caught his wand. Tossed it way down the corner. Mrs. Norris grabbed it and ran off with it.

"MY WAND!" Snape ran after it.

"STUPTEFY!"
"PROTEGO!"
"SLUGULUS ERUCTO!"
And just like that Avery was out of the game. Falling to the ground and gagging up ginormous slugs.
"ALARTE ASCENDARE!"
"DEN SAUEGO!"
"EXPELLIARMIS!"
Mulciber's wand was gone.

And then James was on him.
"JAMES! PRONGS MATE! ENOUGH! HEY! STOP IT!"

Sirius.
They were on a pretty much abandoned corridor. Sirius pulled James off of an unconscious Mulciber. His face was covered in blood, so were James' hands.

"James, merlin mate what are you doing?? You could have killed him-"
James laughed. Cutting Sirius off.
"Oh! Now you care about killing people? You didn't care about that last month. When you tried to kill Snape. When I almost was killed. When Remus could have been killed for that."
Sirius looked devastated.
"I made a mistake."
"The word 'mistake' doesn't begin to cover what you've done."
"I'm sorry James. I'm sorry. I don't know how to tell you- how to tell Remus how sorry I am. I don't know how to fix this. How to fix us. You and Me. The Marauders. And I want to. So bad. So please tell me how to fix it. I'll do it. I'll do anything to fix it."
"Don't you get it! You can't fix it. There is nothing left. There are no Marauders anymore. There is just Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin. People who used to know each other. There is nothing left. This can't be fixed."
"It has to be! I can't- you're my best mate. I don't know how to go on without you there-" Sirius begged.
James stared at him coldly.
"You do it the same way you told Snape how to get past the shack. You see this." James held up his hands. The blood.
"This is on your hands. On you." James walked over to him. Watching him.

He wiped his hands across Sirius' shirt. Across his face. Sirius was crying.

"Maybe one day I'll be able to see you without hating you, one day perhaps."
"James. Please. Please stop, don't do this. Don't say that."
"You know, that's almost exactly what Remus said when he woke up the next morning. Except he didn't do anything wrong."

Sirius was crying, hard now.

"James. You're my best mate-I-Please-"
"Best mates? Best mates don't do what you did Sirius! Best mates don't do that. Best mates don't almost make their friends kill someone! Best mates don't tell life threatening secrets! Best mates don't laugh about it! That is what you did Sirius. You did that. This isn't some silly thing, like putting hair remover in his shampoo. You could have destroyed him. His whole life. He could have been killed or sent to Azkaban. That is not what a best mate does. You did this. And you've left me to try and fix it all. I don't- why would you do this? Sirius why would you do this? Why?"
James couldn't stop the tears.
They were both crying at this point.
"I don't know I'm sorry. I' so so sorry."
"I hate you for this. I hate that it was you. I hate that it was you- you who I love like a brother. Why would you do this? How can I forgive you for this Sirius?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry James. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Sirius. I love you, and I hate you. I can't talk to you right now. I don't want to see you. I'm sorry. I can't see you; I can't forgive you. I don't know how you can fix this. I don't know if you can fix this. But I can't be on your side, not after what you've done. Who would I be if I chose anyone but Remus right now?"
Sirius laughed bitterly.
"I wish you were worse of a person. I wish you could choose me."
"I'll see you in the summer Sirius."
"I'll see you in summer."

James left Sirius to take care of Avery and Mulciber.

He showered in their dorm. The one with Sirius' empty bed. He threw the bloodied clothes in the trash bin. They were useless, unwearable.

James went down in the common room. Pandora was there, with Remus and the rest of the lot. He sat in the corner of the couch. He had a library book all about unicorns that he was reading. it was very informative. Remus was sprawled across Barty and Evan on the other sofa. They were good for him. Pandora and Regulus sat on this couch with him.

"Have you still not finished your essay? You have a good 17 inches last I saw." Pandora asked. She was a quiet, soft-spoken girl. Yet somehow whenever she spoke, people stopped talking and paid attention. James [loved] hated it.

"Just a bit of extra reading I'm doing for my edits." He tapped his fingers.
"Have you found anything interesting?"
"I-"
"What happened to your hands?" Regulus had never spoken directly to him before. Not like that. And of course, the time he did it was about something like this.
Everyone listening intently.
"Got in a brawl with a doxy. Vicious little thing."

Remus sat up now.
"You don't take Care of Magical Creatures."

"Went out for a run. You know how it is." James tried to make sure Remus understood the double meaning.

"You're lying. Why are you lying to me?"

The conversation paused as the portrait opened. In came a bunch of third years.

"-saw Sirius Black covered in blood. On his face and everything! She even said he was crying!"
"-even happened?"
"-said he beat up Mulciber and Avery. He's probably the one who broke Snape's nose the other day."

They went up to their dorms.

"What did you do?" Remus stared at James. James could see the different emotions running through his brain.
Confusion, concern, hurt, anger, and so on. it was a lot.

James shrugged. Remus' eyebrows flew up.

"Did you hit Si- Did you hit him?"

"No." James said firmly.

"Well, obviously you hit someone James!" Remus hissed.
"Yes."

"Are you going to explain??" Remus looked exhausted.

"No."

Remus sighed angrily.
"What are you doing James? Merlin."

He really didn't know.