Chapter 13
During the last two weeks, James and Regulus have been together every chance they have gotten. They have spent most of this time kissing in Reg’s room, which he has all to himself. He even spent the night after falling asleep watching a movie. James must admit, all of the sneaking around is rather exciting, although he hates keeping things from Sirius. Sirius has been supportive of his new ‘relationship’ - were they even together? - but he still thinks James deserves better. Although there is nothing to be concerned about, he is grateful to have someone who cares so much about him.
That may not be entirely true. While the relationship is good, no, not good, amazing, James’ mental health is quite the opposite. His eating behaviours have got significantly worse, he is exercising excessively, barely sleeping and also skipping some lectures to hang out with Reg. Naturally though, James is blind to just how much he is struggling.
Both Regulus and Sirius have made several attempts to get James to eat, but he is always coming up with new excuses.
“I’ve already eaten.”
“I’m going out to eat later.”
“I’m not hungry.”
James is starting to notice the worry in Reg’s eyes whenever the topic of food comes up, but he just ignores it and changes the subject. It's annoying how they won't leave this alone.
***
Today, James is lying in bed, unable to move. This morning, Sirius was by his side, ensuring that he felt loved and not alone. But he had a lecture to get to, and James forced him to go after he said he was going to stay with James. I don’t need babysitting, he thought. When Sirius prompted him to call Handsome Stranger, he declined because he couldn’t risk Reg coming to their dorm and Sirius finding out his identity. He tried to get some sleep, but his mind won’t shut the fuck up.
His phone buzzed. But he couldn’t move his arm to pick it up, not even the short distance to his bedside table. James can’t help but feel pathetic. He's medicated, why is this happening again? He feels like a burden, and that his friends have to tread carefully around him. They'd be better off without him. Everyone would be better off without him.
A knock at the door interrupts his spiralling thoughts. James is not going to open the door. He can’t. Not like he can move, right?
Through the door, a voice calls out, “Sirius?”
Regulus.
“James, are you in there?”
James really doesn’t want Regulus to see him like this. But at the same time, he wants Reg to know.
James finally announces, “The door’s open,” his voice hoarse from lack of use, which is when you know something is wrong. When James is quiet.
The door creaks open and Regulus pokes his head around, presumably looking for Sirius, then he enters.
“Are you okay?” He asks James in a worried tone.
James can only grunt in response.
“Are you sick?”
He shakes his head. Well, he is. Not, however, in the way Reg is thinking. Regulus sits down on the edge of the bed.
“Do you want to talk about it or want to just watch a movie?”
“Both,” James manages to say.
Regulus pulls his laptop out of his bag and opens Netflix.
“I need to tell you something,” James speaks quickly, without thinking so he doesn’t have a chance to chicken out, “and I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore.”
“I promise there is nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“James...”
“I have,” James gulps, it’s better he knows now, before they get too serious, “I have bipolar disorder.”
“I see...”
James’ eyes feel like they are on fire, tears threatening to fall at any moment. Regulus takes James’ hand in his and says, “Like I said, there is nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you.”
“What?”
“I like you, James. I really fucking like you, and I want to be with you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, mon amour. Of course, I want to be with you, you’re my boyfriend.”
“We’re boyfriends?”
“Was that not obvious the last ten times we kissed?”
They laugh, and James starts feeling just a little bit better. Reg knows. And he still wants to be with him.
“Now this is the one and only time I am going to let you choose the movie, so choose wisely,” Regulus declares, squeezing next to James.
“Thor: Ragnorak obviously,” James says, “it’s the best Marvel movie ever made.”
“All superhero movies are the same to me.”
“Not Marvel. I don’t care how long it takes; I'm going to make you like at least one of these films.”
“Not a chance in hell.”
They watch the movie, and all seems right in the world.
“So?” James asks after it ended.
“I quite like Loki,” Regulus admits.
“I knew you would,” James exclaims, “but Thor is definitely the better of the two.”
“Absolutely not.”
Their conversation is cut short as the door swings open.
“What the fuck!”