Part I
Haven't heard from you in a couple of months
But I'm out right now, and I'm all fucked up
And you're callin' my phone, you're all alone
And I'm sensin' some undertone
And I'm right here with all my friends
But you're sendin' me your new address
And I know we're done, I know we're through
But, God, when I look at you
The lights are blinding and the music is blasting through the bar on a level that will probably cause James a massive headache tomorrow. But right now it will help him drown out all his unwanted thoughts.
It’s been a few months since he and Regulus broke up, but he still can’t go a single minute without him clawing his way into James’ mind. Sometimes he doesn’t even realize it, but he is always there.
Even now, on a night out when he has had a few too many beers and he is dancing, or attempting to dance with his friends, he thinks about what Regulus would look like in this light. James smiles at the thought that he would probably refuse to dance until he was properly tipsy but then go onto the dancefloor.
He would look so beautiful.
“James!” Sirius shouts in his ear, “Peter is ordering the next round, you want anything?”
James doesn’t know how he does it, but he swears Sirius can look into his mind and distract him whenever he’s spiraling. “No, I’m good. It’s very loud in here, isn’t it?”
“You want to go outside for a bit?”
“Yes, please.”
They get up to leave when Marlene’s head suddenly pops up. “Can I come with? I think I might throw up if I have to look at these lights any longer.”
“Yes of course, let’s go,” Sirius answers for James.
Marlene has been amazing lately. She, Sirius, Remus and Peter all took shifts checking up on James and making sure he goes outside. Marlene would show up once a week in sweatpants and a hoodie to take him for a run. It took some time, but now on Saturdays, he gets out of bed early and dresses for their morning routine. When James is so exhausted that he can barely walk, they sometimes go grab a coffee on his good days and just sit there and talk. It is one of the few things that makes everything bearable for James.
When they arrive outside Sirius gets out a lolly. He has been trying to quit smoking and Remus found these sugar free lollies that helped. “Everything okay, Prongs?”
“Never been better,” he tries to joke, but it comes out choked.
“Oh James.” Marlene holds out her arms and James immediately steps forward to hug her.
After that they all sit in silence for a few minutes, the only sound is the passing traffic. Their quiet gets disrupted by James’ phone.
Ding!
He pulls it out of his pocket wondering who would text him right now. But he’s only met with even more confusion.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Want too come ovver
Sirius raises an eyebrow at him. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah yeah it’s nothing. I really need to pee though. Be back in a second.” He brushes off the question with a distracted look on his face and misses the knowing look Marlene and Sirius exchange as they follow him back inside.
When he finally makes his way to the bathroom he’s even more confused.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
2x missed call
It wouldn’t be- no of course not, he dismisses the thought immediately. It’s dangerous to think like that, to be hopeful, right now.
When he clicks on the message he’s certain his heart skips a beat. It wasn’t just some random number as he had thought. The profile picture displays a picture of him.
It’s Regulus.
He had never been so fast to click the call button.
“James?” is the first thing he hears.
“Reg?”
“Don’t- don’t call me that,” his words are a little slurred. Not enough for a stranger to notice, but James isn’t a stranger. He knows Regulus’ posh accent from the inside out. Regulus was drunk.
“You’re drunk.”
“That’s not fair! You are too!” That was a good point, James thought. “You want to come to my place? It’s so cold and lonely without you.”
He really shouldn’t be doing this. Sirius would kick his butt if he said yes. He really, really shouldn’t- “Yes.”
“Here- here’s the address.” Had Regulus moved? He had moved out right? Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to invite James. His parents would kill him.
If he had… Maybe they could fix things. Maybe they could be happy.
“Soleilll.”
James shivers at the nickname.
“Yes, love, I’m on my way.”
******
Two minutes later James bumps into Peter on his way out. “Where are you going?”
“Er, I’m actually quite tired and I can already feel the start of my hangover so I’m going home.” He prays that it is convincing enough when Peter looks at him with a skeptical face.
“Okay, do I need to walk you home? You look a little white.”
“No I’m fine, but can you tell Sirius I’m gone? I don’t want him to worry.”
“Yes, of course mate. See you la-” but James has already left.
When he’s finally outside he lets out a sigh of relief and starts walking, thinking about the new address.
If Regulus has moved and cut off all ties with his family maybe they could… Try again? Because he doesn’t know how to carry on anymore. He misses Regulus with every fiber of his being.
It’s like his heart has been on pause since he left. Sometimes he swears that his heart has stopped. Like his heart is skipping a beat but over and over and over again, like there is an empty pit where it used to be. But then he lays his hand on his chest and it is there. It is always there.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it is since that night.
******
“I can’t do this anymore!” James shouts. He has been feeling like he bottled up so much frustration, so many emotions in his chest and when he had come home to Regulus with marks of their hands, of them all over him, he had burst open like a can of soda that has been shaken too much. “I can’t watch them destroy you like this.”
“What am I supposed to do then? Run away from my parents with no place to stay, no money and no food? They own every single thing that is mine! My apartment, my job, even my fucking shoes. I can’t do that. I’m not asso stupid as Sirius.” Regulus snapped back.
“Leave Sirius out of this.”
“Of course you would say that. You’ve always been on his side!”
James lets out a frustrated noise. “When are you going to start believing me; there are no sides!”
“Of course you would say that.” Regulus scoffs as he looks away.
“Besides, you would have me. You could stay at my place. I could be there for you!” I could love you, he doesn’t say. “Please Reg, I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much.” The last words are nothing more than a whisper.
Regulus’ face does something that James can only describe as sorrow. “So you’re going to make me pick? You or my family?”
James wants to say ‘Of course not. I would never leave you’ but there is a voice in his head that tells him otherwise. “I think I am. Yes.”
James can’t read Regulus’ face anymore. He hates it. “I can’t leave, James. It’s too hard.”
All of the air is punched out of James at those words. His knees won’t hold him anymore so he falls to the ground.
Then he gets up. He turns around and starts walking towards the door, thinking ‘please stop me, stop me stop me stop me stopmestopmestopme.’
But Regulus doesn’t stop him. So he walks out of the door. It’s then that he realizes he isn’t breathing. So he sucks air into his lungs.
In, out, in
Out
In
In
Out, in
In
In
In in in
Then he runs, he runs to the only place he can think of. He runs to his safe haven.
And that’s how Sirius finds him, not breathing properly, a blotchy face, and wetness streaming down his cheeks. (Are they tears? He didn’t notice them before.)
“James?”
******
He now has arrived at the right building. Regulus lives at number 16 which is on the second floor.
After practically running up the stairs, James is standing in front of a closed door. He hasn’t seen Regulus in what seems like ages, but now he’s finally here, James is hesitating. What if it all goes wrong? What if it wasn’t Regulus who called? What if he changed his mind? What if, what if-
Before James can think of any more awful scenarios, he rings the bell.
And there he is. Just as James remembers him, smiling and just as beautiful. The words leave his mouth before he even registers them.
“Hi love.”
