Different
Sirius kept throwing glances over at the scoreboard and clock.
Five minutes left.
2-5.
They were not winning.
His first game as alternate, and they were not anywhere close to winning, not even close to a respectable loss. They not only missed their actual alternate, but they also missed Evan, and Frank for some reason was growing more and more distant. Some of the guys had talked about taking it to Coach because they couldn’t keep playing with half a captain.
It was him and Bal that had managed to put one in there each, but the team wasn’t working together the way they should have.
He tried thinking of what the hell James would have done, but he never had to play with such an out of sync team. He didn’t know if it was the collective loss of James and Evan that completely fucked them, but nothing was really working. Their lines were all messed up with Jackson and Bal switching for James’ spot on first, and it wasn’t doing them any good.
He was so out of his depth that he considered quitting the game right then and there. His only consolidation was that he was still in his junior year, so scouts weren’t really looking yet. Unless of course someone had caught wind that this was his first game as alternate captain and was already interested.
In that case, Sirius should start getting worried that he might be stuck working as an historian or something. Really, there couldn’t have been a worse fate than that. Only James was crazy enough to actually enjoy that shit.
At first, he had been sceptical of the idea of two new players in the middle of the season, but by now he was desperate. All he wanted for Christmas was two really good forwards that could fill up the lines. They already had decent d-men, but they could only do so much when the front line was a circus, and not the fun kind.
“Jackson, you need to start paying some attention to Bal!”
“Pipes, stop roughing, we can’t lose the manpower!”
Sirius wasn’t too accustomed to this. Jackson and Bal was acting like fucking idiots, and Pipes was letting his anger out on every player in blue shirts he saw. Every order he gave was seemingly useless because everyone had a different interpretation about how exactly it should be carried out.
Frank wasn’t doing much better, spending every single second he wasn’t on the ice talking someone through something. He was going to burn himself out like that.
After a near goal by Mackiver U, Sirius found Johnny on the ice.
“We need to even this shit out.” he said like it wasn’t the single thought their entire team was thinking.
“They’re not even playing good.” Johnny complained.
Don’t I know it? Sirius thought.
It wasn’t what he ended up saying, though. He couldn’t just go around and say irresponsible and childish stuff anymore. He needed to keep the team morale up, be an actual leader.
“We just need to bring this up one goal, then it’s an acceptable loss at least.”
Johnny eyed the scoreboard again. “I don’t know, we’ve only got five minutes.”
Don’t I know it? His thoughts repeated it like it was the only sentence he knew how to think of. Wasn’t that just the entire issue of this game? He knew what was wrong, but he couldn’t really fix it.
“It doesn’t matter, we’re not done until the buzzer goes off.” He slapped the big defenceman on the shoulder. “Get out and break some legs.”
There were no legs broken that night, just a personal record for the sloppiest game Gryffindor U had ever played.
Frank tried to cheer them up in the locker rooms, but that had never really been his strong side. He wasn’t really your usual captain, more someone that just played great. He had this authority on the ice that demanded respect, so his captain work was always done best mid game.
«I know we’re all worried about James, but we can’t keep letting it affect us during games like this. We just gotta keep our heads above water until this passes, and keep believing that the next game will be the one.»
His little speech was met by half hearted agreement, but Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to critique him too much. He used to be ruthless about it in his head, wondering how the hell Frank even turned out as captain. Now that he’d gotten a taste of it himself, he knew how much he overlooked Frank’s contributions. He constantly kept an eye on the players, and even though he wasn’t particularly inspiring, the guys respected him like no one else, and followed any order given by him. Even James had to fight them a bit on that.
When Frank slumped into the cubby beside Sirius’, he looked defeated. Frank really wasn’t cut out for being captain, but Sirius could see that he gave it his very best. James had helped, it was like he was born for that role, but Frank was clearly struggling without him. It probably didn’t help either that Sirius was just as good at this as he was.
God, they fucking needed James.
«We need to change the lines.» he said as he started to strip his outer layer, revealing the pads and protection.
Sirius sighed. He’d never actually had to be a part of changing the lines, he usually just went with them after they were presented to him. «We have one game before Christmas, and then we’re getting two new players to fit into the mix.»
Frank groaned at that.
Two new players wasn’t exactly ideal, but they really needed them. Coach hadn’t told much else than that they were twins from Canada, continuing their junior year after christmas. At least Sirius could be thankful they were Canadian, that goddamn country always produced the best players, including both Jack Peters and Vincent Dumas.
He really hoped for those Canadian genes to do their thing, because their team was a mess, and fitting two new people in would be hell to deal with.
«Hey, heads up, bug guy.» Sirius consoled him, patting his padded shoulder. «We’re getting them from the good factory, and we’ll have Evan back soon enough.»
He didn’t really know why Evan had been held back from the game, but Coach didn’t seem too worried when he told the team on the bus yesterday. It was more like he seemed dejected, like it was some stupid fucking thing piling up on more serious matters. Sirius guessed he’d just gotten himself a small concussion or a muscle strain.
«How will we even tell them apart?» Bal chimed in from behind them somewhere. The locker room usually turned quiet after a loss, and those teammates of his was a nosy bunch.
«I mean, if they’re twins, how will we even know which one that’s out on the ice? Like, I’m guessing they have the same last name and shit.»
Sirius turned around with a resigned look cast at the younger winger. «You know how to read numbers, don’t you?»
A few of the guys snickered at that. Bal rolled his eyes. «I just mean it’ll be confusing. What if they’re both on the ice, and I try to call out for them, but they both think I’m talking to them?»
This time, it was Pipes that spoke up. «There’s this cool thing that I like to call first names…»
More snickers from the room. Sirius joined them, happy they could focus on something different than the loss. If they were to dream of getting one last win before christmas, they needed to let it go.
Bal rolled his eyes. «But that’s weird, we always call each other by last names.»
«My last name’s actually Fischer.» Pipes shot in.
Johnny spoke up too. «I’m not fucking named Johnny either.»
Bal’s face twisted in confusion. «Really? Is it like Jonathan?»
«Mark.» Johnny corrected.
This time, multiple of the younger guys looked at him in confusion. Sirius hadn’t started school yet, but he knew it started as some inside joke that accidentally caught on when Sirius’ class started college.
«Why the fuck do we call you Johnny then?» Jackson asked. Everyone could read, and Johnny’s jersey clearly said Stirling, so it was definitely not inspired by his last name.
Johnny threw him a look. «That’s for me to know, and you to shut up about.»
Sirius barely dropped off his bag at the hotel room before leaving Frank to his own business. This year, he’d mostly roomed with Johnny during away games, but Coach insisted that captains should stick together.
Unfortunately for Sirius, Frank wasn’t really one to complain about shit. It was one of the reasons he and James had worked together so well. Whenever they got annoyed with things, they just tried to solve it.
Sirius really just wanted to complain and talk smack.
He knocked on one of the other doors down the hallway, and it took a couple of seconds before it opened.
«Don’t you look cosy?» he grinned, eyes raking over Remus. His face was freshly washed, his clothes swapped for pyjamas and glasses propped on his nose.
He rolled his eyes. «I was trying to sleep, thank you very much.» he said with just an ounce of annoyance.
«No you weren’t, I can see your laptop open on some article.» he said, and Remus immediately drew the door in, blocking Sirius’ view from the room.
«Well I was about to.»
«Stop lying, Rem, you’re not very good at it.»
He sighed, relaxing into the doorframe. «Alright, I wasn’t about to sleep, but I have things I need to get done.»
Sirius cocked his head so that it was parallel to where Remus’ was leaning against the frame. «If I ask you really nicely, can you hold it off for a little bit?»
«No.» Remus said decisively. His glasses were shiny clean, and Sirius had an urge to press his finger to it, but he actually wanted to be let in, not kicked out. James and Remus could both be driven to murder if their glasses got dirty, even though they could just wash them. James didn’t even wear them that much, so that just made it even more fun. Unlike Remus, he was practically blind without his lenses or glasses.
«Pretty please?»
Remus blinked at him. «How about I prettily tell you no?»
Sirius poked his shoulder. «Come on, you say everything prettily.»
«Flattery won’t get you far.»
That made him groan. «Will you stop it, I need to fucking rant before my head falls off.»
He hadn’t planned for his irritation to seep out of him before even entering his room, but Sirius was in over his fucking head. He didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, and on top of everything, his stupid brother had said nothing to him.
At least Remus seemed to realise that Sirius wasn't just bored, but really needed to talk to someone that wasn’t his team captain.
«Don’t touch my computer.» he said as he stepped aside to let him in.
Remus moved his computer to the small desk as Sirius buried his face down in the sheets. They smelled like Hotel.
«What’s up?» Remus asked. Sirius felt the mattress stir as an additional weight was being added at the other end.
He lifted his head to scowl at him. «You were fucking there.»
Remus rolled his eyes. «I was, but it’s not like you’ve never lost badly before. Why are you all worked up about this?»
Sirius rolled over so that he was lying on his back instead. Remus was sitting cross legged at the foot of the beed, chin propped up against his fist.
«Because I’m the alternate captain, I’m supposed to be leading the team, but everything was a mess.»
It was like they had just been thrown together the previous day. Sirius didn’t have control over any of his teammates, and their goals had seemed to be more lucky than anything.
«You’re just the alternate, you’re not supposed to be leading the team, James just had a habit of doing it anyway.»
Sirius’ eyes travelled up to meet his. «But I’m supposed to take his place.»
Something like realisation went through him. He lifted his head up and leaned forward on his knees. «So it’s not about losing, then? It’s about filling James’ shoes?»
Fuck Remus and his perceptiveness. If he wanted to get to the bottom of things, he would have just stayed with Frank.
Still, Sirius just wanted to complain.
«He named me to keep the team together while he was gone, but one game in, and I’m already fucking up.»
Maybe James’ belief in him had made him a bit too cocky in accepting the role. What was Sirius thinking? He couldn’t lead a team, he could barely keep himself under control out there.
«Wasn’t he captain of your high school team?» Remus asked, making Sirius’ eyes flicker up again.
«Yeah.» he answered cautiously.
«And wasn’t he also the student representative?» he added.
If Remus wanted to make Sirius feel more like a failure by rubbing his best friend’s accomplishments in his face, then he was doing a good job. «And?»
Remus sighed, clearly somehow disappointed in him. At least Sirius wasn’t alone in that regard. «And were you any of those things?»
Sirius sat up on the bed, feeling his eyebrows knit together. It was a rare occasion for Remus to be able to piss him off, but they did happen. «Well, obviously I fucking wasn’t. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been such a shit alternate.» his voice came out louder and angrier than he’d intended.
Still, Remus kept a patient look plastered on him.
Then it dawned on him what he was getting at.
«Did you even try to get those positions?» Remus asked, solidifying Sirius’ suspicions. Just like nearly every time he got angry with Remus, it melted off him in the matter of moments. He never understood it, what it was with Remus that made it dificult to be angry with. With James, he could get in screaming matches, but never ever with Remus.
«No.» he sighed, kind of annoyed that Remus was once again hitting the fucking nail.
«Then why would you expect yourself to be able to fill the role of someone with years of experience?»
It was kind of ridiculous now that he thought about it. Why would he be able to fill James’ shoes? James was like every coach’s wet dream, the best player you’d ever seen with outstanding leadership qualities.
Sirius was just Sirius.
Sure, he was not about to put himself down and call himself anything but a good player, but he wasn’t like James. He was hot headed, impulsive, scruffy on the ice…
A thought struck him that he might have looked like Crouch as a captain, and that made him sick. Sirius could get violent, but he would never injure someone. He’d break your nose if you were lucky and maybe give you a headache, but he would have never charged at somebody like that.
Sirius huffed through a smile. «He’s a natural.»
Remus shot him a smile back. «He is.»
As much as Sirius wanted it to make him feel better, it didn’t. Usually, Remus was better than anyone to make him feel better, but he just didn’t get hockey. He didn’t know how important it was to have some leadership qualities. Sirius didn’t want to end up as a plummer, one of those players that were there to take the hits, but maybe he’d set himself up for it?
Secretly, he’d always wished he’d end up as a different kind of player, one more like James. Everyone assumed that he was just going to end up another Dumas, but he’d relished in the hope that he would surprise literally everyone. He was just in college, for God’s sake. He wasn’t taking it as seriously as some of the other guys and fought around, but he’d always been set on clearing up his act by his senior year, maybe even make Alternate captain.
He never even considered the fact that he was just not a leader. Maybe he was just meant to be one of the rowdy players, the one that became the fan favourite, but was never brought up when somebody talked about the best players.
«Yeah.» Sirius muttered.
“No, stop that.” Remus immediately jumped in with. “You know damn well that’s not what I was talking about:”
Sirius looked at him, helpless. “I barely even said anything?”
“You didn’t have to, I know that look.”
Almost instinctively, Sirius jumped on defence. “Oh, so you’re an expert at my face then?” he asked smugly, not even close to the emotions he was actually feeling. He was getting used to having to talk about his feelings, but having them dug out of him was still a sore spot for him.
“Sirius.” Remus said flatly.
“What? You’re allowed to flirt with me, but the second I flirt back, you’re all up in arms over it?” he bit back.
Remus knitted his brows together. “When have I ever flirted with you, Sirius?”
He crossed his arms. “Are you saying you wouldn’t?”
Remus made an exasperated sound, with probably the most annoyed look in his face he could possibly muster. He threw his hands up like he was signalling at the sky. “Wha… where are you even going?”
Away from this conversation, he thought. “So you’re saying you wouldn’t?” he said instead. Leaving conversations needed to be done the Irish way, leaving out the back door without announcing it to anybody.
Remus let out a frustrated groan. “I am not and have not flirted with you, Sirius.”
Sirius let an eyebrow fly up. “But would you?”
“Sirius.” Remus deadpanned once again.
He rolled his eyes. “Alright, alright, I just…” his brain didn’t really want to feed him words, but it would just have to. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” he said.
Remus gave him a look. One that was about to mention that it was Sirius who had practically forced his way in there to have this conversation, and was now the one backing out. Instead, he looked away again. His head turned towards the desk where he had left his computer.
“What were you working on?” Sirius asked. “When I came in, I mean.”
Remus took a few moments before turning his head back towards him. “Nothing I can talk to you about.” he said, looking at him from just below the rim of his glasses. With the unkempt hair and facial accessory, Sirius was once again reminded that he had a set of model-worthy friends. James had that James Dean look to him, while Lily looked like she was ripped from some magazine cover. Mary was gorgeous, of course, he didn’t have bad taste either, and Remus had an annoyingly good bone structure.
“Why? Someone on the team?” Sirius asked suspiciously.
Remus pressed his lips together in a line, and Sirius knew he had hit it right on the money. Why else wouldn’t he be able to tell him about it?
With a not so pleased sound to him, he asked: “Is it Rose?”
Rose had stayed back this game, and seeing Remus deep in research had not exactly been a good omen. “You can’t tell anyone.” Remus simply said.
Sirius’ brows flew up. He hadn’t actually expected to be right about it.
Remus sighed. “Don’t even try asking about specifics, but just know that it’s nothing big, so don’t start getting your knickers in a twist.”
That made Sirius smirk. “That doesn’t sound good when you say it.”
Remus cocked his head. “What? Knickers in a twist?”
Sirius couldn’t help but pull a face. Way to take all the fun out of a phrase. “Well, don’t keep saying it. Can you Americans stop trying to colonise everything?”
Remus looked at him with a completely blank expression. “Sirius, you’re British.”
He couldn’t help the snort that came out of him. He actually studied history as well, which did not help his case at all. “Yeah, which means that I get to have opinions about you butchering our language.”
“I didn’t even try an accent.”
“That would probably get you horned up too much.”
“Sirius.”
Honestly, what had Remus been expecting? He couldn’t go around saying James’ accent was hot without any repercussions. “What?” he asked. “Am I wrong?”
Remus looked done with him. “You are.”
He couldn’t help the grin that filled his face. “Oh, so you need to actually hear it from James’ mouth for it be be ‘the hottest accent ever’” Sirius mocked. That last part, he smeared on a heavy and horrible American accent to rub it in his face a bit.
Remus threw his hands up defensively. “I said hot, not the hottest.”
Sirius made it a point to gasp loudly. “What? Don’t tell me you like the Irish.”
“I wouldn’t mind some Hozier.” Remus laughed. “But no, not particularly into Irish."
Sirius leaned forwards like he was about to ask for a secret. He supposed he was about to. “What is it then?”
Remus gave him one of his famous flat looks. “You think I’d tell you?”
Sirius let out a breath in an ooohhhh sound. “Don’t tell me it’s French.” he said way too smugly.
Remus rolled his eyes. “It’s not French you little narcissist.”
He pulled an offended face. “You don’t have to get mean about it. All I’m saying is that it would make sense with all the flirting you’ve been doing.”
Remus let out a laugh before pushing him away. “I have not been flirting with you, where are you even getting that from?”
Sirius had to join his laugh. He was well aware that Remus had been doing no such thing, but it was fun teasing him about it. He’d always go red about things like that. “Well why aren’t you doing it?” he said while wiggling his eyebrows. “I thought you liked the brits.”
Remus scoffed at him. “I never said brits, maybe I just meant James.”
“You’re not really into James, stop lying about it.”
Remus sighed, but his lips were still graced by a smile. “Alright then. Maybe I’m just not into you then.”
Sirius gasped again. “Moony, what the fuck? I thought we were in love.”
“I’m sorry, I have been sneaking around with Lily behind your back.”
“I’m going to have to kill Evans. Can’t believe she got to see your flirting before me.”
Remus shrugged with an overly confident expression. “Never said I flirted with her either. I don’t think either of you could handle that.”
Sirius was dumbstruck by that, and couldn’t help but chuckle. It was so not Remus of him. He was the one getting flustered about things, he wasn’t the one doing the flustering. “Oh, we’re getting cocky now too?” he shot back.
Remus kept the unphased composure, but Sirius could see the faintest bit of redness in his cheeks. He was just Remus at the end of the day, and Remus had horrible problems with getting flushed by any risque topics. “I don’t know, are we?”
Sirius couldn’t believe it. James was going to go crazy over this when he told him. “Remus John Lupin, are you flirting with me?”
Remus didn’t break eye contact, only fixed his smile into a grin. A smirk, one might have even called it. “If I was flirting with you, you’d know it.”
Sometimes he forgot that Remus had a whole ex that Sirius had met. He shouldn’t have been surprised that he could actually flirt, but he still was. Thinking about Remus and Grant’s sexual life hadn’t exactly been a habit of his. In fact, he kind of struggled with the thought, it just didn’t seem right.
Sirius quirked his head, leaning in just slightly. Remus forgot who he was trying to outplay here. “Do it then.”
Remus huffed out a breath, but didn’t respond. Instead, he kept his eyes locked in on Sirius, firm and purposeful. With the same amount of confidence Sirius had just discovered Remus had, they started trailing down his face, following the line of his nose.
Oh, Sirius thought. He’s actually doing it. James was going to lose his shit.
A part of him felt exited. Remus had to know Sirius would never stop teasing him after this. He was just giving him free material at this point. Wasn’t he supposed to be the smart one?
His eyes stopped, just in the place Sirius had anticipated. Just below his nose, just the place Sirius had issues keeping a smug smirk off his face. He was enjoying this too much.
Remus’ own lips didn’t even try to conceal the smirk, which, fair enough, was the point. Sirius was about to make some quick remark about being underwhelmed when something warm hit his chest. Fingers spread over the fabric of his shirt, firm and present. Sirius’ words caught in his throat, leaving him slack jawed with his lips parted like an idiot. His eyes instead dropped down to the hand, just in time for it to give a push. Sirius was sent back to lean on his palms as Remus followed to loom over him, hand still on his chest.
This is… His thoughts stopped as his brain tried to chose between the thousands of different words he could have described this as. Different, he settled with. The warm hand travelled up his chest, over the fabric of his shirt, and Sirius felt a violent pang in his chest. He prayed to God that Remus hadn’t felt it, because he couldn’t have anyone, let alone Remus, know that he had gotten flustered by Remus.
As the hand travelled, Sirius didn’t even attempt to raise his eyes to meet Remus’. He felt… strange? Weird? He definitely felt something about this entire thing, and it was nothing like the smugness he’d done five seconds ago.
When the very tips of Remus’ fingers hit the skin in the crevice of his neck and collarbone, Sirius’ breath went a little off script. “It suits you.” he let tumble out of himself to try and cover it, before he could really think about what he was saying. “The confidence, I mean.”
His eyes had jumped back up to Remus’, but they had still been plastered pretty low on his face.
“Does it?” he asked, voice way too low and… frankly, hot, for Sirius’ comfort. Then, to make matters worse, his eyes came back up, and it was fucking pornographic. Heavy, a little bit lidded, intense. Sirius had always taken Remus for one who begged, not one who demanded. It wasn’t ‘fuck me’ eyes as much as it was ‘fuck you’ ones, and it damn near knocked Sirius’ breath out.
What the fuck? he managed to think before Remus broke out into a smile. Not a flirtatious one, but a genuine smile.
He pushed himself off with a chuckle, crawling off the hotel bed. Sirius sat up straight, matching the chuckle, even though his brain was a wildfire. What the fuck just happened?
“Not bad, Moons.” he said before Remus got the chance to get suspicious. “That might be just enough to get you into james’ pants.”
Remus looked back at him, all the demand drained off his face. Instead, he rolled his eyes. “Get out, I have research to do.”