Reflections
Maybe James had been idiotic leaving Sirius with Frank. Since when did Frank know how to take care of people?
He’d woken up at ten in the morning despite his grogginess and painful headache. One of the downsides of being an athlete was never letting your sleep schedule get messed up. During High School, James had gone a couple of weeks where he would go to bed late and wake up way after noon the days he didn’t have any morning practises to get to, but that usually meant sleeping until two on Sundays and Saturdays. The lack of consistency made him unfocused and irritable.
Ten was the absolute latest that he would go.
One of the upsides to never sleeping past ten, was that he was up before Sirius.
At first, he’d checked his bedroom for any sign of him, but there was nothing. Of course, that led James to conclusions.
He stepped past a snoring Evan on the way to his kitchen. He’d probably let him sleep just a little bit longer, hopefully easing that hangover at least a little. He was perfectly aware that before Gryffindor, he had never touched any alcohol before. His tolerance was even worse than James’.
On his way to the refrigerator, James almost stepped on a body. For a horrifying moment, James' mind spun to thoughts about what Sirius had been up to if there was a dead body in their kitchen, but then his more rational thinking part of his brain shot in.
“Sirius.” he said, nudging the boy asleep on the floor with his foot.
He was only met by a series of unhappy noises of complaint. Sirius hated the mornings on any other day, but certainly the morning of a hangover.
“Get up, you can’t sleep in front of the fridge.”
Sirius seemed perfectly content with this idea, burrowing himself so deeply in a sleeping position that he almost had James convinced it was comfortable down there.
Still, James really wanted some food and so he took to dirty measures; cold water.
“God….what?.....stop!” Sirius started complaining as James continued flicking water in his face.
“Get in bed.” James commanded, splashing a few more flicks in his face. He tried hiding it behind his hands, but to no use.
“Okay, okay, If you fucking stop doing that.”
James flashed a pleased smile, but it wasn’t as if Sirius was even watching. He was too busy scrambling up to his feet, walking with heavy steps towards his bedroom door, completely oblivious to Evan on their couch. The door slammed behind him, but miraculously, Evan only slightly stirred.
He poured himself some oatmeal in a bowl and mixed it with yoghurt, but was forced to take it into his bed instead of the couch where he was usually spending his Sunday mornings.
After everything that had happened, it had been easy to forget about the match the day before. James had literally pulled an insane goal, and it hadn’t even happened in his head this time. It was actually real. He had really seen that puck sailing towards the goal, and just barely passed the knee barrier being created before his very eyes.
Of course, his twitter feed would not let him forget.
College hockey was in no way as organised and popular as the actual NHL, so they didn’t have their games broadcasted in the same way. However, a lot of hardcore fans, and/or people that liked being a step ahead of everyone, were adamant followers of the colleges as well. It was probably something about getting to see the next big names before everyone else. For this reason alone, they would usually put up a camera on each end of the dasher boards, and post the clips on whatever page they used.
Of course, when something cool happened, people liked sharing it on twitter and such, making it better known in the whole community, and their game last night was certainly drawing attention. Mostly, James thought that it was because of the lack of NHL games since last season's end, but that would kick back up again next Saturday, with the game between Puddlemere United and Appleby Arrows.
Now, James was not like Sirius who would feed his ego watching edits of himself, but rather focused on the actual play in itself.
Looking back at it, it shouldn’t have worked. Of course, it was no mistake for him to try, seeing as there was no other opportunity left with only a few seconds left on the timer. That meant that they would go into overtime, but James managed to save them from that.
@gryffindor.uni: Our own James Potter showing Berkley what Gryffindors are made of!
Attached was the clip of him shooting the puck, right into the net from about the middle of the rink, and the buzzer going off. It was a horrid quality on the clip, but it was just good enough that James could make out the red 4 on the back of his own jersey in the chaos that ensued. Funniest thing was the reaction of the Berkley’s, just standing there looking at each other with their hands thrown up to their sides.
He could have kept trying to analyse their plays all day long, but he saw his clock ticking closer and closer to 11. He’d promised Regulus to send him a reassuring text regarding their little shared friend, and he thinks he would rather just know earlier than later. James would have, no nerves allowed to mess him up on game day.
James: Evan is still breathing and snoring, you can hold off the funeral
As James had expected, he got no instant reply. Regulus wasn’t that kind of person, really, he was horribly late at answering texts, though James didn’t want to be throwing stones in a glass house. Sometimes James wondered if that was maybe just because he didn’t like him all that much, but he decided to live in ignorance and bliss until it was proven somehow.
He decided to take a run, but he realised what a horrible idea that was the second the first drop of rain hit him. Usually, he didn’t mind a little rain on his runs, but it was October, and the temperatures had started dropping.
James, only wearing a windbreaker, was quickly soaked from head to toe, but he was too far along his route to turn back. It would have been about the same distance anyway.
He never listened to music on his runs, as it gave him too much time to focus on how much he didn’t enjoy running, so his headphones filled his ears with the voice of his favourite podcaster, telling him about a Viking myth.
Unfortunately for James, his head wasn’t really where it should have been, so the story of the pillage people would have to remain unknown as it only served as background music for his thoughts.
Even after a whole year, he still had problems figuring out where he and Lily stood. Last night, they seemed like they were still the best of friends, but that just felt too hollow for him. Lily wanted nothing more than to move on like their relationship had never even happened, but James didn’t think that he could just do that. It happened, and it was very real to him, in every way that something could be real.
It disturbed him, how quickly she had managed to brush it all off, while James was left in the gutter to flood it with his own tears and desperation. He’d spend night after night wondering when things went wrong, what he did to not be good enough for her anymore. He’d always felt like everything mattered so much more to him than anyone else, but he didn’t expect it to be thrown in his face in that cruel way. Sirius always said that his heart would be his downfall, but James hadn’t believed him until Lily Evans ripped it in half.
The craziest part was that James didn’t think he would ever be able to stop being in love with her. Sirius had tried setting him up with multiple girls post-breakup, but nothing had felt right to him. No girl deserved to be the ‘rebound’ or whatever, so he wouldn’t do it.
Even with his earbuds, he could hear the splashing of the tiny puddle created in his shoes. This was surely going to give him a cold.
Of course, he had Regulus to consider too. Last night felt like a step in the right direction. He hadn’t made a snarky comment once, and was generally well behaved. Maybe not hating James was the first step to his and Sirius’ little journey together.
He could still remember the bond that they used to have, and how he had vowed to do everything in his power to help Sirius rebuild it. They had been inseparable, Regulus always at his older brother’s side, though that was mostly because he wasn’t allowed to leave the house by himself, even to go see some of his friends.
Regulus looked so much younger than his brother, even though they were only a year apart. James was sure that it had something to do with Sirius’ confidence in the way he held himself, while Regulus would try to shrink away from any sort of attention.
“Lusie, this is James.”
Every time Sirius would talk about his younger brother, he always used the nickname ‘Lusie’, which James found the sweetest thing on earth. Now, seeing the brother, he could completely understand.
“Hi.” James tried with a smile, but the younger boy shied away from him, looking up at his older brother.
James remembered how impressed he had been with Sirius that day. Any time his brother needed him, he had been ready to move mountains to fix whatever he needed. Back then, he had thought it was such a nice quality to have, how every older brother acted, but it took him years to discover that maybe it wasn’t such a good thing. Sirius shouldn’t have been parenting his brother at the age of seven years old, but that was exactly what he was doing.
James was watching TV when his phone finally buzzed.
He had been watching this new season of his strange show, but was happy for anything that could distract him from it. Evan had woken up and left in a hurry once he realised he should shower before watching Regulus’ qualifications, so James was finally allowed to use his couch.
Faintly, James wondered why Sirius wasn’t going to watch, but decided not to press the matter. He had texts to answer.
He saw the text he’d been ignoring from Remus for no apparent reason, but decided to hold that one off just a little bit longer.
He swiped on the new, much more relevant one.
Regulus: Thanks.
The Black brother’s, such poets.
James: He’s on his way to you, in case you thought he was missing your competition.
Regulus: One can dream.
James thought it was so rare, actually having Regulus respond to him, so he didn’t feel like wasting it for no reason.
James: Well, good luck today:)
He didn’t know why he was being so weird about it. Usually he loved getting to know anyone he found interesting, but it was never over text. His friends usually knew better than to text him important things, because they would not get a response in a timely manner. Exactly why was a mystery to James, but he just couldn’t get himself to do it. Sometimes he even felt scared of it.
Of course, that might be the reason that he always felt like whatever he wrote was weird. When he said things, people could hear his voice and see his face to figure out exactly what he had meant, but over text, he felt like the words were just mixed together all wrong.
Regulus: Thanks.
Well that was a good of a response as any. Regulus wasn’t exactly known for being the most outgoing person.
At least not anymore.
A few months had passed since James first had met Regulus. He’d met Sirius at the hockey practise his mother had put him in, and became immediate friends after accidentally crashing into each other. What he’d quickly learnt being his new best friend, was that him and his little brother were like a package deal. Most of the times they would hang out, Sirius would bring his younger brother.
“That’s not fair!” the youngest screamed from the makeshift goal they had set up in James’ back yard. In the summers, there was this beautiful pond, but it would freeze over in the winders. James and Sirius had seen this as the perfect opportunity to set up a little rink to fuel their newfound love for hockey.
Regulus had joined them, but didn’t quite seem to get the hang of controlling the puck, so they had opted for placing him as the goalie instead. This only made things worse, as the youngest Black brother was terrified of pucks.
“But we have to figure out what you’re good at.” James defended, but the tears kept spilling from his red and puffy eyes.
“I don’t want to play!” he screamed back, and James had gotten annoyed with him whining like a tiddler. He didn’t really consider the fact that a six year old was practically one, and he hadn’t been much better a year prior.
Sirius skated over to his younger brother, and pulled him into a hug. That seemed to make his cries transform into quiet little sobs.
Sirius wiped away at his face the second he had settled down. “How about we play a game instead?” he asked, and Regulus’ eyes seemed to widen at the question. He nodded quickly before he let go of him.
They proceeded to go in rounds, skating towards each other at full speed before hooking their arms together as they passed, making them spin around each other in circles. James and Sirius did it the best considering their similar height, but he had to give it to Regulus. The intense fear he had for the pucks vanished the second they started doing this. His little feet did the best they possibly could to match their tempo, and he didn’t shy away from the spinning part like James thought he would.
At one point, this escalated into a series of small races over the pond, but Sirius and James had a couple of months with a coach under their belt, so Regulus hadn’t stood a chance. When he got really cranky about it, they decided in secret that they would have to make him win the next one. Sirius had not given up on the plan of getting Regulus on their team the next year, so they couldn’t risk discouraging him just yet.
They started again, and this time they made sure to skate into each other, making them fall over on the ice. When they got back to their feet, Regulus had already reached the other goal with loud cheers of joy.
Had James known he’d be such a shit about it, he would have reconsidered the plan from the get go.
“You’re so slow!” he beamed at them, seemingly forgetting about all the other times when he had been left in smoke.
“We fell!” Sirius defended, but Regulus didn’t have any of it.
“You fell because you’re bad at skating.” he said with his nose stuck up in the air. Sirius and James shared a look before charging at him, tackling him into a pile of snow behind him. He went down with a shriek as Sirius and James laughed, starting to give him his first snow burial, as the other kids called it in school. It was a tradition that the teachers had ordered the first graders to be left out of, but this wasn’t in school.
Regulus kicked, laughed, and screamed as Sirius held him down and James started scooping snow over him.
The Monday after, James was in a lecture with Sirius beside him. As usual, Sirius was more concerned with drawing stick figures on his word document than paying attention to anything that was being said. James thought that little feature would single handedly make him fail.
Or maybe Sirius would just fail by his own hand, seeing as he didn’t even pay attention prior to discovering the drawing tool.
Really the only reason Sirius was taking history was because he thought it would be easy enough, so he’d just blindly followed James into it. What they both had quickly learnt was exactly how much information they had to learn, and just how much they had to do. While Sirius dreaded having to do any work, James relished in it. He’d always loved history, making connections and answering things that he wondered about. The best part was that they now had to start writing papers about things that they couldn’t find much about, and James couldn't possibly think that anything could be more perfect for him than that.
“Well that was a snooze.” Sirius said as they finally were let go. The auditorium filled with sounds as all the students rushed to get to another class.
“I thought it was pretty cool, Ghengis Khan is such a crazy dude.” he said with an earnest look on his face.
Sirius shrugged. “Well I’m sorry for not wanting to listen to the adventures of the biggest slut on the planet.”
James snorted at Sirius walking right into his trap. “That’s funny, because he was talking about the crusades.”
He regarded him with a narrowed look. “Traitor.”
Luckily for them, they didn’t have to take extra classes for credit as the rest of the students, hockey counted well enough. As classmates were heading to Economy or archeology or something like that, Sirius and James jumped in the car to get to the ice rink.
“Remus told me to slap you.” Sirius said the second the doors closed, looking down at his phone.
James couldn’t help but throw his hands up. “What on earth have I done?”
Sometimes, Sirius was just saying stuff. At a random point during the day, he would ask about when you thought the queen last had diarrhoea or which one of the presidents had the biggest dilf factor. A lot of times, that included blurting out things completely out of context, and completely twisting the original meaning. He was almost completely sure that Remus hadn’t told him to slap anyone. It really wasn’t a Remus thing to do.
This time though, there appeared to be some truth to whatever he was saying.
“It’s about what you haven’t done.” he said over the rumbling of the newly started engine. “Answer his text.”
James knew it was a problem. The only thing was that he just couldn’t figure out why he was doing it. Answering a text shouldn’t have been that hard, but it just wasn’t working for him.
“I’ll answer when I’m not driving.” he responded, but Sirius only shook his head disapprovingly.
Training was brutal despite their win against Berkley. In only a couple of weeks, they were playing against Ravenclaw, and they needed to not let it fluke. This was a great start to their season, but they wouldn’t let anything stop them from making the same mistakes as they did last year. They had been too sure of their win, but were crushed by Slytherin at the very last game.
It was a small tradition they had, having their last game against that college. They were the two most highly valued colleges in the country when it came to hockey.
This year, James was a full time player, and he refused to let them win that cup again.
When he sunk back into the car again, his body felt like it was in shambles, his feet killing him. Coach really had not been fooling around when it came to keeping training serious. They had done more laps than he would even like thinking about, and he felt like he was still sweating. Maybe he should take another shower before bed.
“Why were we being punished for winning?” Sirius groaned.
It wasn’t that they were being punished for winning, James was sure, but more that they almost lost. Winning with a buzzer beater was a close call. If he hadn’t made that shot, they would have run overtime, and anything could happen then. The truth was that even though it was a great win for them, they didn’t play as well as they should have.
“Maybe he’s gone mad.” James offered instead, knowing that Siirus didn’t actually care to be reasoned with. Most of the time, he just wanted to complain about things.
They drove home in an unusual silence. Usually, Remus would be the one in the passenger seat, and Sirius would be like a toddler trying to get attention from the back. Today, there was no Remus, and no energy. Sure, he was on his way back that very moment, but James always felt it like a stone in his shoe whenever they weren’t their full number.
Once again, he was reminded of the message he needed to check, but he always seemed to remember it at times he couldn’t do it right away, and that didn’t really help him with anything. It wasn’t exactly that he never remembered stuff, but just that he did at the wrong times. His meds used to help him with that, but he seriously couldn’t do those anymore.
It had seriously messed with him. At first, the doctor sending him to a psychiatrist to get checked for ADHD didn’t really matter all that much. His mother was a therapist, so he knew there was no shame in it, but he hadn’t expected his whole existence being picked apart on the spot.
‘Oh that thing you do? That’s your ADHD.’
He’d thought it was absolutely ridiculous that she had put everything he ever did as something that happened because of it, because it just didn’t make any sense. It was just like she was trying to make the problem seem worse than it was. Then, James started doing some reflection, and realised a few things. It wasn’t a thing that he had , it was more just who he was. The really fucked up thing was that he realised the whole diagnosis was just things that made James into James. He could never really be fixed from any of that without losing himself in the process.
Still, he tried. He knew he could function, if he just could figure out how to keep his concentration. He tried every kind of medication he had been given, but they just created problems of their own.
Now, he was doing everything he could to exist without the medication, but it was difficult. He was happy, he was energetic again, he could concentrate well enough if he got up to run most days of the week. It was working for him, but it was tiring. He had to do all of this extra work just to be able to exist along with everyone else, and it wasn’t even properly working.
“Lusie is going to that championship, by the way.” Sirius decided to break the wall of silence with, and James was thankful. His mind could just pick him up and run off sometimes. “He practically blew up the scoreboards, according to Rose.”
James didn’t know that. He felt kind of bad for talking to him right before the qualifications, but never really following up to ask how it went. Hell, he should have at least asked Evan himself instead of waiting for Sirius to tell him.
“That’s good.” he said, guilt creeping up his chest. He couldn’t even identify where all the guilt came from, just that it was bubbling up inside of him. If he didn’t know all too well what that meant.
He probably should have told Sirius about calling Regulus on Saturday to bring Evan to their apartment, but he’d actually just completely forgotten, and now it felt like it was too late. Sirius wouldn’t understand, not completely. He just got shit done when he wanted to, remembers telling things he should. James was honestly just a mess in that regard.
When he got home again, he really considered hopping in the shower again, but his sores on his feet told him otherwise. They were almost bloody today, those damn skates trying to claw their way into his bones. He couldn’t stand the thought of getting water and soap over that, so he opted for heading straight into bed.
For once, he actually remembered to check his messages, and it didn’t even have that much to do with Sirius yelling it after him the second he opened his bedroom door.
Saturday, 21:53
Remus: Jesus, man, that was actually cool
James could have gotten annoyed with Remus making such a big deal out of James not answering to such a simple message, but he knew that it was about the principle of it.
21:36
James: did I just get you into hockey???
The reply was so instant that James wanted to twist his guts out.
Remus: Look who's alive!
Remus: And no, not a chance
At this point, Remus had to be exaggerating or something. He’d been interning with their PT, Pomfrey, for over a year now, and he still insisted on hating the sport’s guts. James found that particularly interesting, considering practically all of his friends played hockey. It had to be some psychological thing where he wished he could play it, but he wasn’t allowed to, so now he hated it.
This elementary school analysis made James glad that he decided not to follow in his mother’s footsteps.
James: one day, Remus..
Remus: Is that the same day you’ll give me back my charger?
James: one day…
James: but actually, I don’t even have your charger, Sirius took it
Remus: And you let him?
James: his phone was dying, and I was using mine
Remus: When I get back, I’ll actually bring a bag and go on a collecting mission in that black hole of yours
James: I’m locking the doors
Remus: I’m already inside
James: bring me some water, I’m thirsty
James swiped out of the conversation to go to a new one. There was no message he should have answered, but certainly one he should send.
James: Congratulations on the qualifications :)
He didn’t really expect to get a reply. Regulus could be the most back and forth person you’d ever meet, always had been. If it was one thing he didn’t take lightly, it was being taken for granted or forgotten away, which really didn’t mix well with James’ texting habits. One day you were the centre of his universe, and the other, he could barely spare you a glance.
It was the very end of Jame’s second year. He had spent most of his time with the guys on the hockey team, so Sirius couldn’t bring his younger brother around as much anymore. For James, this had been completely fine, he always thought he could be a bit much. If he wasn’t all over James, trying to get his attention, he was whining about something. He was just being annoying for the sake of being annoying.
One day, as James was playing hide and seek with a few of his friends, he spotted Regulus in the school yard playing with some of the girls in his grade. He hadn’t truly realised how long it had been since he hung out with him last, but he instantly felt that same feeling he’d gotten that time when Sirius had gotten really sick and had to stay home almost the entire week.
He walked over to the group, and a few of the girls were casting him nervous and confused glances. They were in the sandbox, making some roads for their cars to drive over.
“Hi Regulus,” he said with a smile. “What are you making?”
The younger boy looked up at him before returning to patting the sand on his bucket completely flat. “A tower.”
“Mmm,” James mused. “Is it going to be in the city you’re making?”
Regulus nodded, but didn’t cast his eyes up to meet his. James found it strange. He wasn’t used to being ignored by Reglulus.
Before he could talk any further, a voice screamed “Got you, James!” and he was pulled back to the game he was playing.
Later that week in the school yard, James had stumbled upon two of the guys picking on him. It looked to be Filip and Daniel. He never cared too much for them, they could be a bit extreme for his taste.
Regulus was standing teary eyed as the two guys laughed at him.
“Oh look, Filip, he’s gonna cry.” Daniel mocked.
Filip laughed before pushing hard at the younger boy, making him fall backwards into the grass. “Just like a girl.” They were at the top part of the school, where teachers usually forgot to take their rounds.
“What are you doing?” James yelled after them, and the two boys turned around, though they didn’t even look slightly like they had been caught doing something wrong.
“We’re just doing Sirius a favour.” Daniel said, looking down at the boy on the grass with disdain in his face.
“How is bullying him doing him a favour?” he growled at them.
James had never been prone to violence before, but there was something about the scene that made him so angry.
Filip was the only one that turned his head towards him. Regulus’ red eyes were looking firmly at their feet. “We’re just straightening him out, since he’s too scared to do it himself.”
James had been raised in likely one of the most accepting homes in Great Britain at the time. At this age, he didn’t even know what sexuality was. His parents had just always made such a big point out of saying “When you marry a lovely person…” or jumping in with a “or a boy” when his grandfather was trying to give him girl advice, so James didn’t really realise that there was a difference. He even had an aunt who was married to one of the loveliest women James knew of, so the thought of two people of the same gender didn’t stick out to him any more than a pair of the opposite.
That was probably why he hadn’t picked up on this comment.
His confused silence must have come off to them as consent, so they continued by plucking up leaves from the ground that they proceeded to throw in his face.
This enraged James so much that he’d almost punched them both, but was luckily able to keep himself calm enough to settle for a slight push.
“What is your problem, mate?” Daniel yelled at him angrily.
“You leave him alone, or I’m telling the teachers!”
Filip sneered at him. “Snitches get stitches, James.”
“Then I’ll have to snitch about that too.”
Reluctantly, they did leave, and James was able to turn his full attention on the boy laying in the grass. His tears now turned to sobs, and James got down to his knees to help brush some of the leaves and straw off him, though he couldn’t get it out of his hair.
“Are you ok?” James asked, though he thought it was a stupid question to ask when it was clear that he wasn’t. It was just what he heard grown ups say when someone looked sad.
Regulus kept sobbing and rubbing at his face. “This is your fault.”
Those words hit him in the face like a fist. Filip and Daniel ws his friends. Even though he didn’t like them all that much, he’d still let them get away with treating kids like this because he didn’t want to get involved with their things. It didn’t hit him until now how bad it had been of him to just be friends with people like that.
“I’m really sorry, Regulus.” he said earnestly, wrapping his arms around him.
Regulus was slightly shaking from the sobbing. “They were never mean to me before you decided to stop being my friend.”
Of course, that was something James hadn’t even considered. Maybe the reason they had left him alone was because they saw him with him and Sirius. Maybe they started being mean to him now that James had mostly been ignoring him.
“I never stopped being your friend.” he said, hugging the younger boy tighter.
“Then why don’t you want to hang out with me anymore?” he sniffled.
James had never felt more guilty in his life. Of course Regulus didn’t feel like they were friends anymore when this was how he was treating him. His parents would have been so ashamed of him if they saw him now, and James couldn’t help but feel the same way.
“I’m sorry, I’ll never do that again.”
After not getting a reply, James decided to try and go to sleep. He’d kill to go back to when he still mattered.