His hands began to shake, the room began feeling too small for his lungs to breathe in properly. James knew what was coming, yet so desperately tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. He clenched his hands into fists in his pockets, and focused on breathing. He was just grateful no one was in his dorm. Earlier, he had felt off, and went back to his dorm alone complaining of a headache.
These “attacks” were relatively new to him, and he couldn’t yet distinguish when one was coming on. The thoughts began racing through his mind, his body started overheating. ‘In 2..3..4…out..2…3…4” he repeated to himself over and over, a mantra he had learned from the books he had read when no one was looking. James had only had a few anxiety attacks in his life, and no one knew about them.
He couldn’t erase the nagging voice in his head saying everything was fine, he couldn’t be having an anxiety attack because he had no reason to have one, not compared to what Remus or Sirius had gone through. He was afraid of what his friends would say if he confided in them. James had always been the “golden boy”: full of sunshine, smiles, and unwavering positivity and confidence. How could someone considered the sun feel so weighed down and foggy?
Tears began forming in his eyes and his breaths began to speed up. James suddenly felt claustrophobic in his dorm and became aware of all the footsteps and chatter around the common room. He needed to get out. Now. So he went to the most isolating palace his panic-addled brain could think of - the astronomy tower. He ran as discreetly as possible to his oasis and sat facing the open window, breathing in the cold, fresh air. He began tapping on his thigh slowly, trying to match his breaths as best he could, working on sorting through his racing thoughts, assuring himself nothing bad was happening. His progress was interrupted by a small creak of the floorboards behind him, and he whipped around quickly, adrenaline pumping through his veins once again.
‘Who’s there?” he asked, trying to keep his voice level.
“Potter?” It was Regulus, surprised to see James. Clearly he came to the tower often, “what are you doing here?”
“Oh nothing!” James shrugged nonchalantly, throwing on a quick smile he hoped looked genuine. “Just admiring the stars, they're so bright tonight!”
He tried to keep going but a ragged breath caught in his throat and he quickly forgot about Regulus. He began his tapping once more, his surroundings becoming blurry and dark and thick with fog.
“Potter, what….James?”
Regulus had begun to grasp the situation at hand, but didn’t know how to proceed. He had had his fair share of panic attacks in his life, but this seemed..different. There was less terror in James’ eyes, and he was able to converse before the panic took over him again. But even still, when Sirius had an attack he always isolated before coming into Regulus’ room and collapsing into his arms, sobs racking his body.
Regulus started hiding his panic attacks long ago, not wanting to hurt Sirius anymore, and he just let them consume him until they passed, he had long since accepted they would happen but knew they would eventually end.
James still hadn’t responded, and his breaths began coming in shorter, and Regulus knew he had to do something.
“James?” he said softly, “do you want me to get sirius?”
No reply, but James sharply shook his head, breathing impossibly faster. Regulus swallowed, squaring his shoulders.
“Okay, okay. Can I come near you, touch you?”
James shook his shoulders noncommittally, and Regulus took that as an okay. He moved in slowly, making sure James could see him approaching, and he gently sat down next to him. James looked wild, unsure of what was happening. Regulus wondered if this was his first time having an attack; panic or anxiety, he couldn’t tell. He tried to do what Sirius used to do to help him as a little kid, praying it would work, because he didn’t know what else to do.
“Ok James, I want to try something, let me know if it’s too much okay?”
James gave a quick nod
“Alright, I want you to grab my hand. I’m going to take deep breaths and you will feel the pulse in my hand. I need you to try and match my breathing as best you can, and if it’s too overwhelming we’ll stop. Sound good?”
James looked hesitant before clutching his hand, realising he needed the physical comfort. Regulus began taking calm, measured breaths while watching James carefully. James tried to take a few breaths and kept falling into coughing fits.
“Don’t worry, it takes a little bit, just keep trying, you're doing wonderfully”
Regulus assured him.
James gave a short smile before continuing with his breathing regimen, Regulus providing words of support along the way. After a bit James began breathing more comfortably, shoulders finally sagging with relief and he finally let out the sobs he had held in, afraid to hinder his breathing more. Regulus, perplexed, opened his arms uncomfortably and James fell into them. Regulus knew James loved hugs, watching him and Sirius together, but hadn’t been in this position for years. He just sat there and let James release his fear, hoping he was doing enough.
Eventually he rose and looked at Regulus, whispering “thank you”.
Regulus hesitated in asking, but was concerned for his brother’s friend.
“James, you don’t have to tell me, but you seemed unsure of what was happening. Was this your first attack?”
He shook his head, looking at the ground “no” he was quiet, “but never as bad as that one”
“Why didn’t you want me to get Sirius, I know he could have helped better than I could?”
“I..haven’t told anybody” He looked guilty, “I don’t want them to see me struggle, they have worse problems than I do and aren’t hyperventilating”
“I won’t say anything, but I recommend telling Sirius when you’re ready. He knows more about this than you’d think” Regulus wondered how Sirius had been managing with his panic if even James didn’t know about his attacks. James seemed to consider his words for a moment.
“It means more than you know,” he said, “not running away. I didn’t realise I needed more help, so thank you”
Regulus nodded, “really, James, it’s fine. Just-” He hesitated for a second, “if you need help again, and haven’t told anyone else, I’m always here”
James’ smile could have been brighter than the stars, “you mean it? I had always thought you hated me”
“Sure you and my brother are a bunch of pricks, but how could I hate someone who makes him that happy?”
James stood up and began walking away, but turned before he went through the doorway.
“Same goes to you y’know that, right? If you ever need anything”
Regulus gave him another nod, looking away, and James headed back to the dorm.
The next morning, while he and his friends got ready for potions together, James pondered his words with Regulus from the night before. He really did feel much better after getting grounding from someone else, rather than waiting for the attack to pass on its own. Maybe it was for the better, sharing some of his pain with his best friends. After all, they trusted him with their own.
“Hey guys?” he said quickly, “can I talk to you for a bit before we go to Sluggy’s?”
Peter looked concerned and Sirius and Remus gave him inquisitive looks, urging him forward.
“I recently have had a few, I think they’re called, anxiety attacks? And I haven’t said anything because I was sure I could manage on my own, but I had a really bad one yesterday and it was pointed out to me that I need a support system. So I just wanted to share that with you, because I knew I owed you that much”
James looked at the ground, awaiting their response.
Sirius tackled him in a tight hug, realising how he should have seen the signs, devastated he let this go on when he could have shared, helped, and he vowed to let James in on his struggles a bit more.
Remus patted him on the shoulder, and gave him a look of support that made James’ heart feel like it would burst.
Peter told him that he was proud for sharing something so vulnerable, and the three of them made sure James would let them in the next time his anxiety became overwhelming, never wanting him to feel alone in his pain again.
And James, well he wiped away some stray tears realising he truly did have the best friends anyone could ask for, feeling more loved than he could have ever expected. He was glad he had confided in his friends, and swore to find regulus and thank him sometime in the future.
Their sappy moment was quickly broken by Peter, “Uh, guys? Not to ruin the moment, but Sluggy will give us detention if we’re late one more time”
So the four friends broke away with some laughs, grabbing their bags and running down the hallways, praying they wouldn’t be late again, and soaking in the joys of true soulmates as they grew up together, always having each other’s backs.