To love is to understand, to understand is to feel, to feel is to be vulnerable, to be vulnerable is scary
Scary because feelings often are one of the biggest hurt a person can take; they can leave you helpless on the ground without the strength to scream and ask for help
Humans are born to love and to be curious about the strangest aspects of life and that's what makes them vulnerable, the childish curiosity that brings every human being to understand what love is
It's a common belief, the fact the anyone is capable of love in its own different ways, but that's far from being true
Regulus knows that he is not capable of loving another living creature, human or not, he cant even keep a plant alive
He tried, only hell knows how much, but it still wasn't enough
He loved his parents with everything he had and the only good thing that came out of that was the bitter feeling after the slight burning left by the cruciatus curse, a beautiful gift of his mother
He tried to love Sirius but he still could not help to feel betrayed by his escape , even knowing that staying in that house would have killed his brother and that, even if Sirius asked, he would have still refused to join him in his desperate attempt to reach freedom
He really loves his friends but every time he tries to tell them that, it's like something is stuck in his throat and the words struggle to come out of his mouth
How can someone be considered capable of love when he cannot show it or even talk about it
They say that your memories live in the minds of those you loved and who loved you
Then what happens to the people who will never love or be loved ? Where do they go?To not love is to be forgotten?
These questions keep Regulus awake at night, because even if being known is scary, knowing that your life will be erased without leaving any trace, the second your heart stops beating, its even worse
Thinking about how his name is connected to a star, almost makes him laugh, because that's one of the problems: look at how big is the universe and look at how many stars are in it, does anyone notice when a star dies ? Does someone feel sad for it? Or it's just another thing that was never loved, because it was incapable to reciprocate even one of the best feeling in the existence?
He likes to think he's made peace with this knowledge, but the sobs grow louder every night and nothing can stop them
One day he will become a shadow without a place in the world and his mind cant accept it
He craves to be loved , he's been craving it since he was a child, and no matter how many people tell him that one day everything will change,that he will find his people and he'll be so loved his heart will burst, he cannot believe them because he is seventeen now and nothing has come
Everyone his age has at least had a friend that they consider close, but he could not even look his friends in the eyes without feeling more alone than ever
That's why he is sitting in front of the lake outside his school , ignoring the cold that makes his whole body shiver and looking into the water like it holds the answers to all the world's questions
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Love is one of the easiest thing on the planet , after breathing of course
Love is a nice feeling that never hurts to give even if you don't receive it back , because that is its principle : give everything you have until you find yourself laid on the ground with tears running down your cheeks
Love is never selfish so you should not be either
James doesn't want people to believe that he is selfish so he gives and gives until he is exhausted, not even hoping to get something in return because a good person never asks for anything
The way in which James loves can seem a bit overbearing, because it is fierce and,most of the time, protective but it is pure
Pure like the happiness of a child on Christmas morning or the smile of an old person when someone visits them on a random day
People admire James capacity to love, then why does he find it so exhausting ?
He is always trying to show people the best of him , so they can see that he is good ,that their love for him is not a waste and that he is enough, but at the end its not enough
People still hate him , he still not worthy of their love and maybe he should just give up; but he does not because he is so used to the unwavering mask of optimism he wears every day, that he does not know how to take it off without erasing himself
He loves his parents, he loves his friends and he knows how they love him back
His parents always listen to him, never trying to turn off his excitement about any subject, his friends always make sure that he is feeling okay ,bringing him snack when he's training for a Quidditch match and sometimes even the animals of the Prohibited Forest sit beside him when he is hiding alone in the hope of not being noticed
Should not that be enough? Knowing that the people in your life love you? Is James ungrateful for feeling like this when a lot of people have it worse?
These thoughts keep him awake at night and he does not know how to shut them up, because sometimes he really feels ungrateful
There are people who would beg to be loved the way he is and would probably call him privileged, like he knows he is , because to have access to this kind of love it's rare and he feels like a monster for feeling this way.
He tried to talk about it with Remus, but seeing the worry in his friend's eyes, he could not even force himself to make a sentence and explain the mess in his head
So he lied , like he always does when he does not want to share what is on his mind, but, judging from the unimpressed look on his friend's face, Remus did not fall into his trap and he is probably on his way to tell Sirius so they can both come up with a plan to cheer him up, exactly the last thing he wants,but how could they know?
That's why he is going to the lake, ignoring the wind that makes his body tickle and hoping to find some answers in the blue water
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There are two boys sitting on the opposite side of the lake, unaware of each other's presence because they are both looking at me while I shine in the night sky.
They also don't know for how long I was their companion during other nights like this, just silently watching over them while they try to sort their thoughts
Their thoughts are so loud that they almost seem out of place in the silence of the night, but if they don't let them out now, when will they?
Soon the sun will rise and I will no longer be able to comfort them with my silent presence
It will arrive a time when they'll talk to each other and only then they will realise that love doesn't always hurt , but today its another quiet night and it's best to let them enjoy it while it lasts