THEYRE JUST KIDS!!!
It had been two days since Regulus had made his decision on the couch next to Pandora. He needed to talk to someone else though before he could go through with it. He waited by the Gryffindor common room door for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes. It was past curfew so the only people entering and leaving would be the Head Boy and Girl. They were James and Lily. He prayed to Merlin that it wouldn’t be Lily. The door opened and out stepped James. He looked just like how he always did. His hair was messy, and his glasses were falling off his nose. His hazel eyes seemed to look right into Regulus’s soul.
Regulus looked up at James and didn’t smile. He didn’t know how to smile when this was most likely going to be goodbye. James wouldn’t know and he couldn’t tell him because even though they weren’t together, he knew James would still try and stop him. James cared so much and because of that, this felt so cruel.
“Is something wrong, Reggie?” James asked with a raised eyebrow.
Regulus didn’t know what to do. James was everything he ever wanted. He needed him like how he needed oxygen, and he couldn’t have him. The silence was sickening. He wanted to shout and scream and beg for James to take him back but that wouldn’t be fair. He’d dug his own grave and now he had to lie in it. What he’d come to say was cruel and he fully expected James to slap him and look at him in disgust.
“I still…” He said slowly.
Right now was not a good time for him to go mute. James took a step towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He had always known what to do. Even now when he was faced with his ex who had joined the bad side, he knew what to do.
“Just take your time, Reg.”
Regulus didn’t want to take his time. He wanted to say everything he’d been thinking for the past months. He wanted to feel James’s lips on his. He longed to be held by his one and only love. His heart beated only for James. He lived for James. There was nothing else that sustained him anymore. He would burn the world down if James asked him to. He would do anything if it meant that those golden eyes would look at him like how they did when they were together. He wanted to run his hands through James’s hair. He wanted to do so many things, but he couldn’t. That would be cruel and stupid. He was about to run towards an early death even if he hoped it wouldn’t be so.
James smiled, his eyes full of concern. He placed his other hand on Regulus’s other shoulder. He could see all the hurt in Reggie’s eyes. He could see the bags under them. He sighed as he looked at the boy in front of him. The boy he’d fallen in love with once upon a time was different. He was bruised and hardened. His eyes didn’t have that spark they’d once had. They were dull and scared. This was the boy that Sirius had described back in first year. This was the boy who went mute when it got too loud. This was the boy who hardly ever smiled. This was the boy who would cling to Sirius for hours. James had never met that boy because that boy was hurt and scarred. Regulus had been healing when they were together. He wasn’t anymore.
Regulus took a deep breath as he looked up at James. He had to say this. He just had to. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He couldn’t lie to James anymore. He couldn’t look at him and say that he didn’t love him anymore. He had to let James know. He couldn’t let James keep thinking that he’d fallen out of love with him. He really hoped James would be okay.
“I…” He tried again.
“It’s okay, Reggie.” James said as though he was talking to a small child.
“I still…” He took another deep breath. “I still love you, Jamie.”
James’s jaw dropped. Regulus took a step back as James’s arms fell to his sides. The silence was suffocating. It was like being smothered with a pillow. James took a step back and steadied himself by holding his hand against the wall. His face was pale like he’d seen a ghost.
“What?” He said as he looked like his whole world was crashing around him.
Regulus’s eyes filled with tears, and he looked back up at James. He wanted to hold him and make everything better but that wouldn’t help. He’d re-entered James’s life and smashed it. He was living up to his family’s reputation. He broke everything he touched.
“I still love you, James. I still want you and I’m about to make a decision that you’d be really proud of but that you’d also hate me for making. I couldn’t leave without telling you.”
His words faltered but he kept going. He owed it to James. He owed him this much at least. His feelings weren’t only his to know now. James deserved to know them as well.
“I’ve always loved you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I’m so happy that Lily makes you happy now that I can’t. I wish I could be everything you needed. I wish I wasn’t stained. I wish I wasn’t broken and scarred. I wish I could hold you and make everything better. I wanted to be who you needed but I’m just me. I’m just Regulus Black. I can’t be who you needed. I can’t be who you wanted. But you’ll always be my Jamie. You’ll always be the only one I want. You complete me, James Potter, and you make me so much better. You are everything. You’re all I ever needed.”
The tears fell.
“I love you, James Fleamont Potter and I’m so sorry for… everything.”
He told the truth this time. He didn’t lie and he didn’t hide. He could never lie to James. He had before but that was stupid. He never wanted to lie to James again.
James took another step back as his thoughts raced through his head. He’d tried so hard to leave Regulus behind because he thought that was what he wanted. He thought this was for the best but now Regulus was confessing his love again but this time it was way more complicated. He took a step towards Regulus, and he practically grabbed his hands and held them in his. And then he did something even stupider than Reggie confessing his love when he was in a relationship. He leaned down and he kissed Regulus on the lips.
Reggie’s brain short-circuited. James was kissing him. James who had moved on and who he had been expecting to be slapped by was kissing him. He kissed back which went against everything he’d told himself. He’d said that he’d just confess and then he’d run. He’d run so far away, and he’d destroy the locket in his pocket. He couldn’t fix most of his problems, but he could fix that one.
They kissed until Regulus pulled away. James’s eyes were filled with tears as well and he looked down at Regulus. The silence made Regulus want to puke. He hated it.
They both stood there in silence. They held each other’s hands until Regulus let go.
“Tell Sirius I’m sorry please.” He said.
That was the last thing he said before he turned away from James and cursed himself for it. He wanted to turn back around and kiss James again. He wanted that so bad, but he couldn’t have it. He started running down the dark hallway. James didn’t shout after him. He didn’t expect him to.
He ran down the hallway and down flights of stairs. His heart was pumping, and his blood was pulsing through his veins. His head was throbbing, and his curls were bouncing as he ran. His inner monologue was comprised of screaming and cursing. What the fuck was he thinking? He was just a kid. He. Was. Just. A. KID. He couldn’t save the world but oh fucking hell, he could try. He would die trying if it meant that that everyone he held dear had more of a fighting chance to save it.
This world had broken him, and his family had stained him, but he was more than what they made him. He was Barty’s brother. He was Evan’s friend. He was Dorcas’s friend. He was Pandora’s Reggie. He was Remus’s soon to be brother-in-law hopefully. He was Marlene’s friend. He was Peter’s friend. He was Lily’s friend. He was Mary’s friend. Most importantly, he was Sirius’s brother and James’s beloved star. He was so much more than just some boy who was only meant to be used and discarded by the Dark Lord. He smiled properly for the first time since he’d gotten the Dark Mark. He was Regulus Arcturus Black and the silence, darkness and everything else that stood in his way would learn to be scared of him.