He hadn't joined the death eaters to be evil, or mean, or to kill. It was the opposite in fact. It was to survive. Nobody else seemed to care about that, or what happened to Pete. So he had to do it himself.
He'd joined the order too, with the others but- Perhaps 'you know who' knew he was weaker than the others. Knew James and Sirius and Remus would never break. But Peter Pettigrew? He would, he did, and he didn't regret it. He could help someone, someone who acknowledged him, someone who seemed to care. Seemed .
It was a mission, 1979, guarding diagon alley. He had James on his left and Frank on his right. He knew the plan, he'd been the one who made it. If he was there the death eaters could get in and out easily, get what they needed from the shops and that was that. No one would get hurt, on either side.
He didn't know he'd be in the middle. Frank saw them first, with their long capes and masks they were undeniably death eaters.
James sent for backup and it was only seconds before Dorcas and Marlene were there.
That was one of his first fights. Well, he didn't fight much. He was weaker than the others. He saw the light fly through the air, heard the curses. But he hid. In a corner.
He couldn't hurt anyone on either side. Now was not the time to slip up. Not as an order member nor death eater.
"Pete! Peter! Fuck where is he? Peter?" He was shaking. From cold or adrenaline, he couldn't tell. "Peter?" James sounded close to tears as Peter crawled out from his hiding spot. Before he could fully stand, arms wrapped around him. James muttered thanks to some god Peter hadn't heard of as he pulled Peter tighter.
James Potter is the best hug-giver there is and he doesn't hesitate to give them.
As James started rocking back and forth, tears falling into Peters hair, whispering prayers into the late night air on diagon alley was when Peter truly felt a sting of guilt over the inc on his forearm, for the first time.
"I- I'm sorry I hid, I-" Peter started, tears welling up in his own eyes. Did James, the James Potter, truly think so highly of him?
"No, no, don't apologise for that," James said as he pulled back to look Peter in the eyes. "I thought I lost you, okay? I don't care, and if Dumbledoor cares then he can stick it right up his-"
"James," Frank warned, though he gave Peter a silent nod and a smile. He looked over to meet Marlene's gaze. She smiled with tearfilled eyes as she walked up to him and wrapped him up in her arms as well, giving him one extra squeeze.
"Don't scare us like that again, we can't lose you, not now" She said jokingly, but her voice broke off at the end as she buried her face in his shoulder.
The next death eater meeting after that was not fun. Not only was his loyalty questioned, but it seemed to be the first time Regulus Black noticed him.
Peter remembered him from the train ride in second year. Regulus had mostly sulked in the corner of the train compartment, Peter and Remus played chess while simultaneously bickering with Sirius and James.
Now however he looked worn. Only eighteen but tired eyes, a face too used to darkness and misery.
Most meetings he, quite frankly, looked high out of his mind. Gaze empty the way Sirius' would sometimes get during parties, right before he'd pass out.
Now he stared right at him with furrowed brows. The entire meeting Peter was being watched, not only by Regulus Black, by most. Apparently Dorcas had managed to kill two death eaters, Marlene and James had got one each under arrest. All because of his bad planning.
'You know who' was not as forgiving as Peter had first thought.
"Peter?" He froze and turned to come face to face with Regulus. His breathing was unusual, harsh yet steady and slow. Regulus was a year younger, but always seemed years ahead of him in intelligence.
"Regulus." It wasn't that he was afraid of Sirius' younger brother. Well-
"A word?" A raised eyebrow. It felt like Regulus' gaze reached into Peter's soul, taking all his knowledge and memories out like cards and laying them bare on the floor between them.
"Sure." He wished his voice didn't shake so. And that he didn't flinch when an arm was thrown around his shoulder.
"Pettigrew's joining us?" Peter turned his gaze to look up at none other than Barty Crouch Jr, Evan Rosier standing just behind him with a smirk plastered on his face. Not the playful smirk James and Sirius often wore, no it was evil, violence dripping from the corners of it.
"Yes," Regulus answered shortly, not giving Peter much of a choice. Barty laughed maniacally before looking down at Peter.
"You drink?"
There weren't many people in the leaky cauldron, which caused it to be quiet, but that didn't seem to stop Evan and Barty from speaking quite loudly. After five glasses of questionably strong smelling alcohol they all turned to look at him. It felt like he was cornered although he sat at the end of the booth.
"How come you've joined 'the dark side'?" Barty slurred while waving his glass around. Leaning forward and blowing his bad breath right into Peter's face.
"I don't know what you're talking about," He muttered looking down at the table. Barty leaned back, laughing loudly, Evan joining in.
"Come on, back in school you- what'd you call yourself? M- M, m, m. Marauders? You lot ran around playing the heroes, I hear your friends still do, so the question is this: Why don't you?" Barty leaned forward again, any hint of a smirk or laugh long gone as his gaze turned to slits.
"They- we didn't-"
"Yeah, you did," Evan exclaimed while shaking his head, taking another sip from his glass. Regulus still sat quietly, spinning his glass between his hands, gaze not leaving Peter for a moment.
Peter looked at the door, it was maybe ten metres from him. Ten metres too far. Ten metres to an ensured end. An end to this, any trust from anyone he'd ever been able to gain.
Then back at the three men still staring at him. Forcing him to sit still. How'd he ended up here?
"Heroes die," He said quietly after a minute too much. Barty snorted a laugh while Evan muttered under his breath:
"As they should."
"No-" Shit.
Barty lifted a challenging brow, that smirk back on his face.
"I didn't mean-"
"I think we all know what you meant-"
"Barty, Evan, could I speak to Peter alone for a moment?" Regulus asked calmly, without sparing either boy a second glance. The two stilled for a moment before moving out of the booth and out the door, winking to the owner before leaving. "Seriously, are you a spy or something? Here for Dumbledor?"
"No, I-"
"Then why?" Regulus seemed genuinely concerned, borderline panicked. "You're Sirius' friend, James' friend, why aren't you there with them instead of here with us?"
Yeah, why wasn't he?
"Are you a spy for us?" He then asked, sinking back in his seat slightly, a foreboding look in his eyes.
"I-" Peter started but couldn't finish. He was, wasn't he? Somehow it didn't seem like that was the answer Regulus wanted.
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't give him anything, not on my brother, not on the ord-" He looked over at the owner who was washing off a table. "The order, not on anyone, okay? Get the fuck out as soon as you can." Regulus sounded close to begging and perhaps Peter understood. Regulus begged for his brother to be safe, even after years, he wanted Sirius to make it to the other side.
"I think I'm already too deep in." He felt it settle as he spoke the words. He was too deep in, he'd die if he tried to get out now.
Regulus sunk back further at that with a dreadful sigh. "I know."
He couldn't help Regulus. The boy died that year. Only eighteen years old. 'You know who' announced it himself, along with the information that Regulus was a traitor and not to be honoured.
Evan and Barty sat the rest of the meeting blinking back tears. Their friend of seven years, gone, just like that. And then his name was dishonoured on top of it all. A traitor.
Peter genuinely thought he'd follow close after, killed off and never to be mentioned again.
Sirius mourned his brother. Although he wouldn't admit it. To the outside he views his brother like all else, a coward, a traitor to all. In secret, huddled up in his apartment, just the four of them again, he cried. James and Remus held him while Peter made biscuits. James turned on some movie on a muggle TV Remus had gotten them. And there they sat, the four of them, on the floor of Remus' and Sirius' flat, watching a movie while eating biscuits.
They found out Lily was pregnant that christmas. They all celebrated, even Mary was there. They went out to a restaurant then went home to James and Lily. They listened to hours of music while they all brainstormed baby names. One by one they went home, Marlene and Sirius fell asleep on the couch and were left there. By the end Peter, Remus and Mary were the only ones left, except from the owners and the two sleepers.
It was months after but it felt so soon after, too soon. That godforsaken prophecy, about the one that can be the end of Voldemort:
The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches
Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies
And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will not have the power the Dark Lord knows not
And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.
He heard it at a death eater meeting first. Voldemort wanted the utmost focus on finding out who this child could be. And he went to Peter, of course he did. After all he knew Peter would easily break.
"Do you have any Idea who this might refer to?" The older man asked quietly into the nearly empty room. Peter shook his head slowly. The older man's face shifted slightly, disappointed. "But if you think of someone, you'll come to me, right?"
"Of course, my lord."
He heard it from the order second, weeks after.
Then he realised Voldemort didn't have the full Prophecy, he didn't either, after all Dumbledore didn't tell them the content of it at all. Not until-
Harry Potter, son of Lily Evans- Potter, Lily Potter and James Potter, was born 31st July 1980.
born as the seventh month dies
A day after Neville Longbottom, son of Alice and Frank Longbottom, on 30th July 1980.
It was only a matter of who? All four parents had come to defy the Dark Lord twice, only one missing.
Sadly Peter found himself spilling this bit of information to the Dark Lord himself.
"So the Potter boy you say?" The older man hadn't seemed to listen to the last bit. Peter slowly nodded. Shit . "Very well, this has been plenty helpful."
He couldn't lure them into this unknowing. So he made his way to Hogwarts the next day, informing Dumbledor that they should protect the two children and their parents, since they are so important to win the war. And they were. With secret keepers and everything.
Sirius was their secret keeper, Emmeline Vance was the Longbottoms. Peter knew this, but no more. And he wouldn't tell this to a living soul on the planet-
They made Peter secret keeper.
For some reason they couldn't stay with the safe option. Sirius would never slip, he's not weak like Peter, he's strong, he'd rather die than betray his friends, his brother.
Peter could never keep a secret. Not when he was younger and not now. So he told. He told Voldemort how to get to James and Lily. He told him when was the most fitting, that they would be focused on Halloween and not be even the slightest prepared.
"Pete, can't you be here for Halloween? Haz wants you here," James pleaded, tilting his head, then looking towards his son, sitting in his mothers lap playing with her long red locks.
"No, I- I can't, sorry," Peter answered, not meeting James' gaze as he stood by the door, ready to leave, for the last time probably. He looked over James to notice something missing. "James, where's your wand?"
The other man started feeling his pockets and looking around himself. "I don't know, why?"
"Merlin's beard, James, you're being hunted by one of the most powerful wizards of all time and you don't even have your wand on you?" Peter bursts out, losing his composure as tears threaten to spill. James stared at him for a second.
"No, I-" James stepped forward giving Peter a hug. "I'll be fine, but if it helps you sleep at night, I'll carry my wand with me, okay?" Peter nodded, inhaling shakily before stepping back.
"Happy Halloween James, don't forget your wand." Peter smiled before he turned around and left the house.
That was all he could do, right? He'd given them a chance. Right?
"Sirius, I fucked up," He said into the phone. Trying to speak through the tears.
"Peter calm down, where are you?" Sirius tried, but he can't, not now, it's only an hour left.
"Sirius I need you to listen to me, It's James, Voldemorts gonna be there in an hour and someone needs to be there, you can get him and save them just please don't-" His voice breaks out into a sob as Sirius quiets down. He watches the raindrops trickle their way down the glass of the phonebooth.
"Peter, how do you know that?"
"Please, just, just go, save them I- I can't, I- Please don't hate-" The line goes dead. "Me."