Remus feels sticky.
It’s on his face, dripping down his cheek and slipping down his neck. He felt some of it splash into his hair earlier. It dots his bangs in crimson splatters like a Pollock painting only not really. It’s freezing out yet he’s sweating, his breathing coming out in smoky harsh pants.
Remus dumps the last of the whisky bottle filled with gasoline on the porch before pocketing it and sitting down on the wooden steps in front of Grimmauld Place. There’s blood on his arms and it’s starting to dry up, making him feel even more sticky. He shivers a little and rolls his shoulders and neck to relieve the tension.
He reaches into his bag and pulls out his pack of cigarettes, switching out the knife soiled with his victim’s blood. Victim is a dramatic word. Sirius was the real victim in all of this, his parents used him a like a pawn. Now, they’re gone thanks to Remus.
Remus pulls his shirt that’s sticking to his skin mixed with blood and his own sweat and looks down at it in disgust. Those stains will not be coming out. He’ll have to toss it. What a shame. He lights his cigarette and takes a long drag before releasing it into the cool air as he leans back to stare at the night sky.
He takes this moment to marvel at what he’s just done.
There’d been a fight. Remus could hear it as soon as he walked in the door. Sirius was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, his phone pressed to his ear. He was yelling into the receiver but his words kept getting cut off as though the other person on the line was interrupting him over and over.
Remus hated that.
Remus loved to hear his darling talk. It was his favorite sound in the world, the sound of Sirius’ voice. He especially loved it when it came out all excited and happy and even more so when that was directed at him. He could listen Sirius talk forever and ever and never get bored.
When he heard the shake in his love’s voice, Remus knew exactly who he was talking to. Sirius is this beautiful, amazing being that Remus wants to worship and protect but when he spoke to his parents, he turned into this timid, shy, obedient child that he’d been raised as. Remus hated seeing it.
Sirius should always be smiling. There was no reason why someone on this earth should exist if they were going to make him cry. That’s how Remus felt about it anyway.
He walked further into the house and his fists clenched at his sides at the break in Sirius’ voice. Remus felt his nails digging into his palms to keep from snatching the phone out of his hand and throwing it against the wall. Even with the rage bubbling inside of him like a pot about to boil over, he still smiled sweetly when Sirius noticed his presence.
He sniffled and wiped the tears off his cheeks roughly and turned his body away so he was no longer facing Remus. Oh, Remus hated that more. Sirius grew up in a household where you were made to feel ashamed of your emotions and Remus loathed that Sirius ever felt the need to hide from him.
He wanted Walburga and Orion Black gone for making him feel that way.
“Okay,” Sirius choked. “Okay, I have to go now…I will. Goodbye, Mother.” The phone slipped from his hand with a clatter. Remus could see his shoulders shaking as he brought a hand up and covered his mouth to muffle the sound.
Remus’ hands were shaking with rage. He wanted to march over to the Black’s and tear their throats out with his bare hands. He wanted to smash their skulls against the floor until their brain matter ruined their perfect linoleum. He wanted them gone and he wanted it to be painful so they would pay for ever hurting the love of his life. Remus would never allow anyone to ever hurt Sirius.
His nails dug into his palms further and he had the sense that there would be bloody crescent moons later when he looked. But he had to wait. Sirius didn’t like being touched when he was like this. He’s pulled away and yelled when Remus tried to touch him when he was crying. So he had to wait lest he upset his love further.
Remus didn’t want to, but he left him alone in the kitchen. He went to the bedroom and opened his book while he waited. The words swirled in his mind and he could barely focus. How could he possibly read right now when his baby was crying all alone? He dug his nail into his thigh to stop himself from running to him.
He respected Sirius and Sirius didn’t want him around right now. Remus would do anything Sirius said. He didn’t mind that he was as obedient as a trained dog. He actually enjoyed it. Sirius could do whatever he wanted with him and he wouldn’t complain. It was a privilege to love and be loved by Sirius Black. It was one Remus did not accept lightly.
Remus waited impatiently until Sirius finally came into the bedroom, cheeks still wet. “Moony,” he said brokenly.
Remus threw his book down on the bed and opened his arms to which Sirius collapsed into him. As much as he hated his love being sad, he relished in comforting him. He wanted to rip his own heart in two and make a home just for Sirius to snuggle up into where he would never be harmed. Remus would give him a cozy little bed and fuzzy socks and keep him safe, right there in his chest cavity. He would do it just to keep away the aching outside world who didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Sirius. “Baby,” Remus whispered into his hair as he held him tight. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Sirius shook his head and nuzzled further into Remus’ chest. Remus wanted to hurt Walburga and Orion all over again. He’s only felt this feeling once before and it had caused a swirl of rumors and pathetic accusations at their school.
Though they never did find Severus Snape’s body.
Again, Remus would do anything for Sirius Orion Black. That included destroying anyone who hurt him. Remus was already planning their deaths in his mind as he stroked along his baby’s back.
“I wish they would just go away,” Sirius sniffled. “Then they couldn’t hurt me or Regulus anymore.”
Remus didn’t say anything. He was already forming a plan. A plan he hadn’t yet acted on all these years because at the end of the day they were Sirius’ parents and Remus knew he’d care if something happened to them.
But he’d just said the magic words.
It was really all he needed to say.
Now Remus sits on the front porch of Grimmauld Place. He takes another drag from his cigarette and admires the blood under his nails.
He’s not quite sure when he started to feel so strongly about Sirius Black that he’d kill for him. Maybe it had something to do with the way Sirius looked at him the day they met. Remus had grown up as a very sickly child and those illnesses had left some severe scarring that were the causes of most of his insecurities growing up. He was constantly made fun of and called names but when he met Sirius at eleven years old, he was the first person who smiled at him and it wasn’t at all mean. So from then on, Remus had vowed to protect that smile. He would constantly get into fights with other kids and was very often in the nurse’s and headmaster’s office due to his temper.
A lot of kids called him Loony Lupin. A lot of them told Sirius he was crazy and to not associate with him. Much to the delight of Remus and concern of James, Sirius only looked at them boredly and waved them off. Then he would come to Remus late at night and say, “What’s so great about being normal anyway?” And from then on, Remus was infatuated.
He finishes his cigarette and stubs it out with his bloody shoe. Remus then stands up and dusts off his pants, wiping some of the blood off his fingers. He reaches into his bag once more and pulls out a box of matches. He lights one and carefully throws it neatly onto the string of gasoline he poured from inside to the front door. The place engulfs in flames as Remus grins and walks away.
The screams of Walburga Black as he dug a knife into her chest echo hysterically in his mind on the way home.
***
Remus puts his key in the door and opens it. As soon as he does, he is hit with a wave of affection and devotion as his eyes immediately fall upon Sirius who is lounging on the couch in one of his sweaters and a pair of boxer shorts. He’s on the phone again but there are no tears this time and Remus feels proud at the knowledge that Sirius will never cry on the phone again.
“I don’t know,” he’s saying as Remus shuts the door behind him. “Everything seemed fine yesterday. Maybe there was a gas leak?” Remus instantly knows what he’s talking about. He didn’t think the news would travel that fast. He briefly wonders if he should change before Sirius sees him. Then he decides that no, his love will be pleased at what he’s done and he’s so excited to tell him.
Sirius looks up when Remus puts his bag down and his eyes widen as he scans Remus’ bloody state. “I’m gonna have to call you back…” he says the words without taking his eyes off of Remus, slow and cautious. “We’ll figure this out, Reg. I love you. Bye.” He hangs up and tosses his phone on the couch before standing and carefully walking towards Remus. “Moony,” he breathes. “What happened to you? Are you okay?” He sounds frantic and worried and Remus is so giddy at his love caring about him in such a manner. Remus loves how much Sirius cares about others.
“Don’t worry,” Remus says with a sadistic smile. “It’s not my blood.”
Sirius looks taken aback, processing the words in his mind. “Who’s…” he trails off because he knows. His baby is so smart. He figured it out so quickly. God, Remus loves him.
Remus takes a step forward. “They’re gone, baby. Just like you wanted. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
Sirius takes a step away from him. “I didn’t—Remus, what did you do?”
Remus, usually so smart but right now drunk on love, answers the question as though Sirius really wants to know. “I stabbed them. Your mother first, of course. She screamed so much and so loudly. I understand why her voice upset you so much. Not anymore.” He grins evilly at the memory. “Your father barely put up a fight. He must’ve known it was futile.” Remus chuckles.
Sirius swallows thickly as he stares at him and processes this information. “Then you burned the house down to cover your tracks?”
Remus grins wider. “Ah. Did Regulus tell you that bit? I figured it wouldn’t matter to you. That house hurt you so much, darling.”
Sirius looks like he’s going to be sick as he stares at Remus like he doesn’t recognize him.
Remus furrows his brow in confusion. Why is his love looking at him like that? Why isn’t he smiling at this wonderful gift Remus has given him? “Love, are you angry with me?”
Sirius looks away from him and takes another step back. “I didn’t—I don’t—Why?”
Remus steps forward and Sirius moves backwards so quickly, he stumbles a little. “Is this not what you wanted?” He catches Sirius around the waist so he doesn’t fall over. Sirius stiffens in his grip. “I thought you wanted them gone. That’s what you said, darling. I did this for you. So you’d be happy.”
Sirius wrenches from his hold. He puts a hand on his chest like he’s feeling for a heartbeat. His breath is coming out hard and fast. “You did this for me?” He whispers like he doesn’t believe the words.
“Yes, love. I’d do anything for you. Anything you asked.”
“Even kill for me?” His voice is sharp. Sirius has tears in his eyes and Remus wants so badly for him to understand.
“I would. I did. And I’d do it again.” Remus says the confirmation so firmly and honestly. He would kill for Sirius again. He would do anything he asked. He would kill himself and his own friends and parents if Sirius wanted him to. They don’t need anyone else.
But right now, Sirius doesn’t look very happy. Remus hates the look on his face and he didn’t think he was capable of hating anything about Sirius. Yet he hates the way he’s looking at him now. Gone are the loving gazes and sweet words. He’s looking at him the way all those kids looked at him growing up. Like he’s a monster.
Like he’s crazy.
No.
No.
Sirius can’t be like all the rest. Remus has done a good thing. He doesn’t feel any guilt over ending the lives of Walburga and Orion Black. He doesn’t really feel anything over what he’s done.
Though maybe he should now. If Sirius really isn’t happy with it then he’s failed. He made Sirius upset. Remus doesn’t know how he fucked up so badly. The only guilt he feels is at not having come home unwashed and bloody. He should’ve at least cleaned himself up before presenting what he’d done to Sirius so blatantly.
He is supposed to be the perfect boyfriend. Remus has prided himself in being perfect for Sirius. He worshiped him and treated him like a king. He loves him so deeply and incandescently. He can’t lose him. He doesn’t want Sirius looking at him like that.
Make it stop.
Sirius inhales and lets it out softly. What Remus would give to know what’s going through his head right now. Is he scared of him? He shouldn’t be. Remus would never ever hurt his darling. Remus opens his mouth to assure just that when Sirius finally looks at him and asks, “Did my mother suffer? When you stabbed her?” He didn’t need to say the last part but it does sound interesting the way he says it so easily.
Remus nods slowly, suddenly feeling ashamed of what he’s done. Only because Sirius seems upset with him over it and Remus would rather stab his own heart and rip it out than upset him. Yet he seems to have done so.
Sirius gasps and puts a hand over his mouth like he might throw up. His shoulders start shaking as he slumps over a bit, hiding his face and Remus feels his heart breaking at the idea that Sirius might be crying because of him. He didn’t think Sirius loved his parents all that much with how they treated him. He ranted all the time for hours and hours at the things they’d done to him and to Regulus. Remus thought he would want them gone.
He has never been so wrong. Now he feels bad at what he’s done. He would do it again for sure but maybe it would’ve been best if Sirius never knew. Then he wouldn’t be looking at him like that. Remus didn’t think he would feel the need to hide this part of himself from Sirius. He thought they could tell each other everything. He thought Sirius liked his crazy. Remus didn’t think he could handle it if Sirius referred to him as psychotic or said he needed to be locked up.
What’s so good about being normal anyway?
As Remus curls further into himself, he hears a distinct sound. A sound that brings him joy every morning when he showers Sirius in kisses. A sound that has him even wanting to get up in the morning at all. A sound he’d recognize anywhere.
Sirius is laughing? Not really laughing. More like…giggling?
Remus had been staring at the floor to avoid the looks Sirius was giving him but at that beautiful sound, he looks up and sees the way his lips are tilted up at the corners.
His cheeks turn red as he stands up straight and bites his lip as he looks Remus up and down with a gaze that is only a little bit unsettling. He tucks a lock of dark hair behind his ear. “You really did this for me?” Sirius steps forward and Remus stays put, his heart beating a mile a minute. Sirius comes and puts his arms around Remus’ neck, practically hanging off him. “Like really, really?”
Remus responds slowly like the question is a trap. “Yes…?”
Sirius twirls a lock of Remus’ hair on the back of his neck and asks, “This isn’t the first time, is it?”
Remus shakes his head cautiously. Sirius already knows this side of him so there is no need to try and hide it now.
Sirius smiles wider. “Who? And when?”
Remus keeps his hands by his sides, desperately wanting to reach out and hold him but he’s stil so confused and careful as he answers the question obediently. “Severus Snape,” he spits the name and Sirius gasps again but it’s less in shock and more in amusement. “Back in fifth year.”
Sirius pulls on the lock of hair he was playing with and Remus groans softly. “And why would you do a thing like that to poor Severus, hm?”
Remus breathes a little shaky as he tests the water by lightly grazing his fingertips on either side of Sirius’ bare thighs. Sirius shivers. “He was running his mouth about you,” Remus mumbles.
Sirius lets out an intrigued, “Oh? And what was he saying?”
“He called you a whore. The product of incest. He said you were disgusting.” Remus remembers how angry he felt when Snape had said all those things like he knew Sirius. He’d snapped so quickly and knew there was no turning back but he didn’t even care.
Sirius leans in so close that their lips brush together and Remus stays put, pliant and easily molded to whatever Sirius wants in this moment. “Then what did you do?”
Remus wants to kiss him. “I smashed his skull with a rock. Then I buried his body by a very ugly tree.” He can still hear the satisfying crunch of Snape’s skull and remember how it only took one hit to have him crumpling to the ground lifelessly.
Sirius snickers lowly and his breath comes out against Remus’ lips. “And you did that for lil ol’ me?”
“I would do anything for you,” Remus says instantly like it should never have even been a question he had to ask.
Sirius practically moans his delight before finally pulling Remus into a hungry kiss. Now Remus isn’t one to ever deny a kiss from the love of his life no matter how confused and unsettled he may be. So he slides his hands up to Sirius’ waist and pulls him in close to kiss him deeply and lovingly. Sirius hums against his lips happily as Remus slips his hands under the sweater he’s wearing to scratch his nails lightly against the skin of Sirius’ warm smooth hips. Sirius gasps into his mouth before pulling away to trail kisses up and down his jawline. Remus is still covered in blood from his shirt and face down to his neck where Sirius teasingly licks the blood off and nips at the skin. He doesn’t seem upset anymore. He’s not shaking or near tears. He actually seems happy at all that Remus has told him.
Remus couldn’t be more dismayed and thrown off. He doesn’t want to but he has to understand what is going on. So he pulls Sirius carefully off him with one hand on his cheek, the other holding onto him
“Wait,” Remus says and kicks himself for it when Sirius whines. “So you’re not mad anymore?”
Sirius giggles. “I was never mad, Moons. I just needed a sec to process. I mean, you did murder my parents in cold blood.” Then he smiles that loving smile as he brings a hand up to trace Remus’ cheekbone gently. “All for me.” The look in his eyes is positively sinister.
Remus has to wonder if this is a trick. If Sirius is just playing him and any second now he’s going to find a way to secretly call the police on him. The moment is short lived as Sirius pecks him on the lips over and over and says, “I can’t believe you actually killed for me,” Sirius mumbles against his lips. “Twice.” He kisses him again. “Would you ever do it again?” He trails a finger down his chest suggestively, pressing their foreheads together and meeting his eyes as he asks.
This isn’t a trick. Sirius is really asking. His eyes are so earnest and twinkly that Remus has to answer with, “Just give me a name.” He grips Sirius by the hips and pulls him closer to his chest, a little roughly but Sirius’ eyes light up.
“You’re so nuts for me,” he says tenderly. “Fuck, I love you so much.” Sirius kisses him again and again. He’s fully pressed against Remus and Remus wants to be closer. Sirius must feel the same because he pulls away and grins as Remus chases after him. “I don’t want to ruin your sweater.” There’s already a little bit on the collar but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little peroxide. The shirt Remus is wearing however, is beyond repair.
“So take it off,” Remus growls.
Sirius grins wider. “Whatever you say, my crazy boy.” He pulls the sweater over his head and actually takes the time to fold it and put it on the couch before returning back to Remus and his arms. Remus loves him so fucking much. Only Sirius knew him so well as to be as gentle with his things as he is with his heart.
Now, he’s just in a pair of blue boxer shorts and he looks so beautiful. He’s looking at Remus with all the love he has in his heart and Remus knows right then and there that they are forever. “I’m not actually crazy, you know.” He has to say it right after Sirius comes back to kiss him. He kind of hates the word but he’s also starting to like it.
Sirius softens. “I know, baby. You just love me lots. It’s okay. I love you too.” He kisses him delicately and sweetly, putting special care and love into this kiss.
“Would you kill for me also?”
It didn’t matter if Sirius said yes or no. It didn’t matter if Sirius looked at him with disgust. What mattered was that Sirius didn’t care that Remus felt that way. He wasn’t afraid of him and he wasn’t discouraged about the feelings Remus had for him. He actually seemed to relish in them and that was good enough.
Except Sirius promptly repeats his earlier words in a profound whisper against his lips, “Just give me a name.” There is no hesitation in the words and he sounds 100% genuine.
Remus can’t take it anymore. He bends his knees a little and grabs Sirius under his thighs and hoists him around his waist. Sirius placatingly wraps his legs around him and hungrily kisses him back. Remus kisses him with all the love he has in his heart and he will make love to him right now with the same feeling. He is drunk and sick on the love Sirius has for him. He finally found someone who understands him in a way no one else did. Sirius saw the unhinged-ness inside him and didn’t shy away. In fact, he absorbed it and let it consume him. Remus loves him more for it.
He can’t wait any longer so he takes them to the couch and carefully sets Sirius down on his back, legs still around him. He settles on top and kisses up and down his throat and his chest, marking him as his and claiming him. No one else is going to see his marks but Remus feels so good knowing this beautiful, amazing man is all his. Remus sits up and reaches to take off his blood soaked t-shirt when a hand stops him.
Sirius breathlessly says, “Don’t,” he pants. “Please. I want you to fuck me wearing their blood.” He smiles sinfully and Remus can’t help his heart singing. “Fuck me wearing the blood of people who hurt me and cover me in it so I know they can’t anymore.” He leans up and kisses Remus one more time before cupping his cheek and rubbing his thumb against his skin sweetly. “Because of someone who loves me.” The look in his eyes is so unhinged and beyond the point of saving.
Remus has been obsessed with and so in love with Sirius Black for ten years now. So much so that he would kill anyone who dared lay a hand on him or make him cry. He didn’t think Sirius would ever feel the same and he’d been completely content with that.
But now, looking into his love’s eyes, Remus thinks that maybe he’s not the only one obsessed. Maybe he’s not the only one who’s disturbed and mad with love.
Remus smiles back at him and settles into preparing to make Sirius feel good.
Because what can he really say?
Love made them both crazy.