Chapter 10
Sometimes she wanted to scream, to slam her loom to the floor and scream to go home, but she could never scream, she couldn’t do more than smile. In some ways her situation was much improved, the General was somewhat kinder to her, all she’d needed to do was pack away every part of herself that could irritate him. She was an empty shell of a girl, smiling and giggling, never having a sharp word or a complaint, she was the perfect woman, but she wanted to be much more.
“He sent another gift today, I told you all would be well once you knew each other.” All Thalia did was sing his praises. It was annoying. “And your coronation is in a couple of weeks, he’s made it clear he’ll crown you alongside him.” Of course he would, she legitimised him. “Do you think he’ll take you to the city tonight?”
He’d taken her to the city a handful of times, foolishly she’d thought he might get murdered or something and she could find a way home to gather troops but it hadn’t happened. There’d been no word from Kari, none whatsoever, but the General was being somewhat pleasant and she found herself avoiding his company less.
“I’m tired tonight.” It was cold and the rain barely let up for more than a few hours.
“Have you lain with him again?” Thalia prodded. “Once crowned you’ll need an heir to secure your position, you know that.”
“No, I’m unwell.” There was a bead missing on her slippers, they needed mending.
“Have you tried talking to the ladies again?”
“No.”
“Well this is our life now, it would be better if you did.” Thalia softly touched her arm. “You brood too much, it isn’t healthy.”
“I’m unhappy, obviously.” She abandoned the loom.
“Invite them to tea and sew together, when you have friends you’ll feel settled and it won’t be so bad.” Thalia followed her to the window. “Come on Lina-“
“You wanted to escape with me, now you’ve changed your mind.” It was a betrayal she couldn’t understand, there was nothing for them here.
“So escape, walk down to the docks and get on a ship, I’ll follow.” Thalia jutted her chin. “But you won’t because you know we will end up back in those rooms with the doors locked, this is our life and you need to make the best of it. All women live like this, your own mother probably felt like this-“
“My own mother was happy.” Rage coursed through her veins, perhaps this was the only time she could allow herself to feel it.
“Because your father said so, you never heard it from her-“
The slap resounded across the room and she could only look at her own hand in shock, she had struck Thalia. Her only friend. She was a vile, despicable person.
“Thalia, please forgive me, please, I’m so sorry.” Tears of shame prickled behind her eyes.
“You’re tired, maybe you should go for a walk.” Thalia blinked away her own tears. “I only ask you, beg you, to find a way to be happy and it’s not just you who will suffer.”
“Please, Thalia-“ But Thalia left, just as Kari had.
The gardens played host to many pretty flowers, it was the perfect place to hide from the court. The chill in the air made her nose run and the grass was somewhat damp underfoot, it would probably start raining soon, but still she wandered through the pathways as she prayed for something good to happen. Perhaps there was something wrong with her to be this unhappy, but she felt irrevocably so.
“Is all well?” A young gardener was hovering nearby.
“Yes, perfectly.” She flashed him a small smile.
It seemed to be apparent that Kari didn’t care about her in the way she thought he did, she’d thought their bond was an unbreakable one but it seemed she was as useful as a troop of soldiers. She was just a placeholder, patiently waiting for him to return with the troops of this island and relay his next set of demands. He’d probably overthrow the General if he felt like it, or even worse force him to be little more than a puppet ruler. That would make her life miserable. Or he’d take her away from here and sell her to the next kingdom, it seemed that being a virgin made no difference to whether you bled as there had been spots of blood each time he’d forced himself on her.
The light dimmed as she walked, it must have been hours since she’d left the main gardens, in the past few weeks she’d found some semblance of happiness and even a sliver of power. But she needed more power, a thick wall between her and the unknown that would keep her safe, that was a thought she needed to nurture but for now she should probably go back. Although if she’d walked for hours, going back would take hours. Great.
The cold numbed her skin as she plodded back, Kari had weakened them by taking an army he didn’t need but if she could remember correctly there were many young men in the city. There were probably more in the next city and villages. People complained of a lack of work, they were poor, the damage from the war had not fully been undone, but if they conscripted an army half the problems would be solved. But there must be a reason he hadn’t already done so, he was many things but not stupid.
Wind whipped through her dress as she urged herself onwards, never in her life had she walked so far and her legs burnt in agony. A part of her wanted to give up, to just sit on the floor and see what the future had in store for her, but she needed to make amends with Thalia. Step after step, one foot before the other, it was an endless journey, torches lined the walls of the palace but they seemed no nearer than when she had first set off. Maybe the General would come looking for her, maybe that was what she wanted. It was a dreadful thing not to know what you wanted, especially when you felt so empty without it. Perhaps she would stop for a little while, just enough to catch her breath, she could lean against this tree trunk and rest.
A scream resounded through the corridors, her sister grabbed her arm as she scrambled from the bed, there were soldiers in the palace, they were under attack. She had no shoes, no cloak, no lantern to light the way, screams of horror spilled from her older sisters chambers, striking her chest and spreading along her throat until she feared she might faint.
“The temple’s on fire.” Spindles of smoke marred the night sky, signalling the destruction of their sanctuary. “What do we do?”
“I don’t know.” Her sister sobbed, hanging tighter to her arm. “Where are the guards, where is everyone?”
“Abraxas, he looking for us.” She could see him running towards their rooms.
They ran towards him, desperately calling his name above the chaos, he was loyal, he loved their father, he was the youngest General of the court. But there was no relief when he met their eyes, instead he drew his sword, they needed to run, the pool was cold, much colder than it had been, her silver skirts clouding around her in the water. So many prayers tonight, so many people desperately hoping, begging, for any kind of divine intervention, but she couldn’t reach them, she could never leave this pool. This forest was a prison, it would be until she came home, until the prophecy was finally fulfilled, yet from what she could see things were going very badly indeed.
“Promise you’ll keep her safe, you must.” A woman she almost knew was standing on the shore. “Or there’s no hope.”
“I will do all I can, but they mustn’t see us.” She was speaking, but it wasn’t her voice.
“It’s getting dark.” The woman glanced at the sky. “It’s too dark-“
Silence.
The icy water was up to her chest, she was shaking so violently that she could barely move, but she had not been here, there had been water but not here. Voices echoes through the darkness as soldiers tried to find her. It would be terrible, it would be as bad as the time she had tried to run away, the General would probably be angrier as they’d been getting along. What she had seen, what had happened, it could not be real, and was it was real the dead was reaching out to her, or maybe she was actually insane. Maybe she wasn’t even here, or she was still on the ship and Kari would come running in with a mug of tea and a promise all would be well. But he wasn’t, and the General wouldn’t dry her tears, she’d been getting along with him, he still made snide comments and biting remarks. He still kept her in this awful limbo, he wouldn’t solidify his own standing which left hers to be questioned.
“Alina, get out of there!” He was in full uniform, ready for battle, as he thundered towards her. He’d come on foot, beyond the walls of the inner gardens to find her. “What are you doing?”
“I think…I think I just saw a ghost.” The world vanished, the darkness taking her somewhere perfectly calm.
Chaos had erupted in the palace, when her senses finally returned she could hear all manner of voices screaming instructions or shouting commands. Her dress was soaked, the cold biting against her skin, even breathing was difficult. Men had visions all the time, most conquests started with a vision, Kari had them, father had them, it only made sense that she would have one too. It was the general carrying her, she could smell the spiced soap he used, maybe she’d had a vision. Men had visions all the time, most conquests started with a vision, Kari had them, father had them, it only made sense that she would have one too. But if she said it they might not believe her. They still thought her a spy, a terrible one but a spy nonetheless.
“You searched for me.” She caught his wrist as he settled her on the marble bench in their bathing room.
“I did.” He offered little more than that.
“I don’t know what happened.” There were thin scratches along her forearm.
He took her hand in his, raising it to his lips and pressing a short kiss to her knuckles. “Never leave the inner palace without me again.”
“I saw something-“
“You are tired and most likely scared, whatever you think you saw was all in your head.” He was still holding her hand.
“You don’t believe me?” That was rude.
“I just think-“
“You think I’m lying, you think I’m a stupid girl who doesn’t know the difference between a dream and a vision.” She wasn’t mad, he had to believe her. “I saw something inexplicable, and you are just jealous.”
“I don’t understand what you are saying.” He sighed, calling for Thalia. “Bathe and then dress for bed, the physician is waiting.”
Thalia still attended her but the conversation was stilted, there was an exhaustion about Thalia that seemed so unlike her. Deep shadows rested under her eyes, her shoulders were stooped, her usually steady hands shook, there was something that just seemed off.
“What’s wrong?” She caught Thalia’s hand.
“Alina, when you do these things it’s me they punish.” There was a bruise on Thalia’s wrist, just a small one. “I will stand beside you always, if you have a plan just tell me it and I’ll happily obey. But when you rock the boat for no other reason than you want to, I just don’t understand.”
“I didn’t do it purposely-“
“You did, I know you’re unhappy but I’m trying to make you happy and you don’t see it.” Shame pitted in her stomach. “I know you don’t like him, I know what he did was reprehensible, and if we had a way to remove him then we could. But we don’t and you will live the rest of your life with him, and I with you, like any man he can be won around but you won’t do it. So I spread whispers of how kind you are, I soften your words when I speak to him, but you do things like this and they beat me, I protect you because I thought you were so unlike any mistress I had but you don’t even see me.”
“I do see you, Thalia, I’m sorry.” There was an ache deep in her chest, some integral part of her was missing. Brides should be happy, but she had been killed in her marriage bed. There was nothing left of the girl she had once been. “I just don’t know what to do, I thought Kari was coming but he isn’t, I thought everything would be different but it’s not.”
“Your life is not that bad, not yet.” Thalia fetched a linen sheet. “Love him or we both burn.”
“It’s not fair, I-“
“You are a woman, the only difference between you and I are fine dresses and a crown.” It was traitorous talk, heresy even. But it wasn’t sounding so wild in this moment. “Do your duty and you will be rewarded, that’s what I was told. I suffered for years before Kari purchased me, then things got better.”
“But you aren’t a slave.”
“I was captured, I was bought.” The oil wasn’t being rubbed into her skin properly, but it didn’t really seem the time to point that out. “If you’ll allow it, I would like to sleep after I’ve readied you for bed.”
“Go now, I’ll dress myself.” It was only a nightgown.
Kari wasn’t coming back for her, it had taken weeks for her to allow the reality to shred the ribbon of hope holding her together. For all her internal deception her situation was not much changed these past few months, she had found a way to soothe the General’s temper but even that was dependant entirely on his moods. Perhaps she was mad, as Kari had always jested, for in her childish delusion she’d believed that surly some heroic prince would save her from this fate. She’d ensured the wedding had been announced properly, she’d wept for home in places gossip would circulate, she’d even tried to appeal to the General himself, but like a fine cow she had been sold and the trade deemed valid. No neighbouring king, no lord from before who’s sworn fealty to her line, no valiant brother or caring father, she was dumped here for a purpose and it seemed that was all.
It held no comfort to take stock of her position, all it served was to remind her that he had assaulted her eight times before thankfully becoming bored of the process. Now he seemed to want her willing and that was all the more terrifying, to come to him for such brutality would signify the end of her senses. Now Thalia spoke the truth, she had almost managed to like him but now she must love him. If not for her sake, then for Thalia’s. Perhaps she was being punished for, as the General often said, living a selfish and vapid life, for believing in a superiority gifted by the gods, but it couldn’t be true as her own brother and father had never suffered. No, they were clearly blessed by the gods. It was her own hubris, her ignorant beliefs that her strange thoughts and dreams were more than the weak mind of a woman. She believed herself to have the abilities of a man, a seer of sorts, but she was simply a woman prone to bad dreams.
“Tonight, I will pray.” She stood from the bed as the physician left, the general just nodded as the two conferred at the door. Her idol of the moon goddess had been set in its own alter, it had been a kindness from the General, and she could pray to her before the large window and soak up the soothing moonlight. To live this life, never sure if it was better to fight against the current or be drowned by it was exhausting. Beyond her strange dreams or peculiar whispers her life had never seen much from the gods, not even from the goddess who protected women.
A tingling numbness tickled her knees as she prayed hard, whispering every verse and prayer she could remember. A single sign, a hint, even a whisper, of what was to become of her would be welcome. She had been totally and utterly abandoned to the wind, a machination in a plot she had no knowledge of but would surely be punished for. There were people who seemed to adore her in the city but minds were fickle, there were men who seemed to want to abduct her and such vengeance was unbending. Everywhere she turned was a new danger, from her bed to the boats she sometimes saw on the horizon, but her prayers would be fruitless as she had no offering to give. She had nothing, she was little better than a slave girl performing tricks for a small kindness. Play the harp and get a sweet, dance for your dinner, smile for a walk, don’t make a fuss, don’t complain, don’t speak, stay pretty, do all that is demanded of you and you’ll have a burning fire to fall asleep to.
“What are you praying for, my downfall?” He crouched beside her, his forearms resting on his knees. “Pray harder.”
“Am I truly as disappointing to you as it seems?” Gossip always travelled fast, the things he’d jested amongst his friends made their way through the servants and into Thalia’s ears. It was probably why Kari hadn’t bothered to send an envoy, she had no sway here.
“I find you more agreeable than disagreeable.” He stood, already removing himself from the conversation. If there was one thing she knew he hated, it was tears. Specifically, hers.
“I feel as though I am drowning, desperately crying out to be saved. But you just watch me and shake your head, asking why I do not swim.” Her eyes blurred, but a single tear would see him leave in disgust. “I’m afraid, I am here with no one to protect me, no one who cares, when the men came and attacked me yours looked at me with suspicion. No one helped me, even when I ran to you in hope you beat me with the shield. I try to be a good wife- anything- to you.” Maybe not a good wife in all ways, but where she could. “I tried to forgive you after you assaulted me, all eight times, but I can’t and I’m frightened, and I-“
“I do not understand you.” He never understood when she was trying to say something important, even if he said she was improving. “You may sleep now.”
“Please, you said I must ask you for everything and now I ask you for happiness, for something. I am lonely, sick to my heart with sadness, I feel some days as though I will simply fade away and others as thought I will burst into flames.” A traitorous tear fell. “I’m dying-“
“You’re tired, that is all.” The muscle in his jaw tensed as he looked away, in the faint moonlight the strong lines of his face reminded her of a god. But gods were merciful, he not so much.
“Please Tom, don’t let me disappear.” Her fingers ghosted the edge of his tunic as he left, almost but not quite.
Nights were always an awkward time for them but tonight seemed especially strained, although he offered the rare kindness of a heated brick there was an oddity of the way he stared at her. It wasn’t constant, nor was calculative, but every now and again he’d pause from his bound book and study her face. They spoke nothing of what had happened, mostly as she was burrowed in the blankets trying to stop the tears flowing, and outside the intermittent general rain that had been so widely rejoiced was turning into a storm. It was the absence of love that was killing her, more than any other trial she had undergone here.
The worn wood of the ship groaned beneath her footsteps as she hurried along the corridor, the storm was slowing them down and they would have to return. It wasn’t news anyone wanted to hear, a sharp jolt of a wave sent her stumbling sideways and she planted her hand in the mattress to steady herself. It was only a dream, simply a silly dream. It couldn’t be anything else, to dare say it was more would see her locked away. She was a woman and not a silly girl held prisoner to strange thoughts.
The brick had cooled and that’s why she was shivering, it was actually horrifically cold as the wind was barely blocked by the shutters, oh, and the fire was dying, it wasn’t the best predicament. She carefully sat, moving slowly as not to wake the General, then once she was sure he was still asleep she took the brick and crept to the fireplace. Technically he’d not given her permission to stoke the fire so she never had, but surely he’d not mind? It was tricky to get the firewood on quietly, one log had fallen to the floor and she’d burnt a finger retrieving it, but the sounds of the storm covered every noise.
“Don’t touch that!” His bellows had her jolting backward, falling on her elbows as she was about to reach for the now warm brick. “What are you doing?”
“I was cold.” Now she’d done it, his whole body was taut with rage. He looked as though he was desperately trying to reign in his temper, he looked as though he’d swing his sword. “I’m sorry, General, Tom-“
“Get back to bed, let me sort this. Next time you must wake me, you could have hurt yourself.” He muttered a few more things but jerked his head at the bed. “Hurry, don’t make me ask once more.”
She scurried back to the bed and watched him warily, half expecting the brick to be thrown at her, but he used a metal rod to pull it from the fire and set it on the edge, then he disappeared into the sitting room where she could hear him barking orders at a servant. Would he whip her? He’d done it before. But he returned without any instrument of terror, instead heading to his usually locked dressing room and retrieving two thick blankets.
It was annoying that he made them room together like this, she should have her own suite with her own dressing room and such. But instead she had to dress in the bedroom, or if he was around in the bathing room. Thankfully the antechamber to the bathing room was all hers for cosmetics, at least that privilege was afforded. Even the way he shook the blankets over the bed was rather violent, shaking them vigorously as though he could cow even blankets into submission. Then he moved to the shutters, drawing the thick curtains into place and bolting them closed, the fire had more wood, the brick returned to her feet, the curtains at the sides of the bed drawn but not the ones at the ends as that would block out the heat from the fire. Finally he returned to the door to collect two steaming cups from a servant, locking the door once more before returning to the bed.
“You didn’t need to do all that.” Somehow she felt her throat prickle once more.
“You are like the moon; beautiful yet distant. I endeavour to bring you closer.” It was the words of a poet said in the brusque tones of a soldier, but the pragmatic delivery somehow heightened its sincerity. “You shan’t disappear.” Then the moment was over. “Drink your wine, it’s warm and will help you sleep.”
Neither of them spoke as they sipped the spiced wine, there were many things she wished to say but fear and her inability to perfect his language stopped her. Perhaps she was a traitor to her own self, but the waves threatened to engulf her and she would cling to any safety she could. Even him.
“Why did you beat me with the shield?” Everything else was far too complicated for this moment, but she wouldn’t forget.
“You grabbed my tunic mid-battle, do you know how dangerous that was? I didn’t even know it was you until the blow had landed.” He took her empty wine cup. “You’re safe with me, I can assure you of that. Things between us were difficult, you were difficult, but you will learn there is a gentle side to me.”
“You were cruel.”
“I did my duty, as any good soldier would.” He didn’t rise to her tone. “Everything I’ve done is my duty, what I must do, of that you will see.”
“Why is it your burden?” She sank into the pillows, glad for the warm brick that was high enough to reach her toes as opposed to his.
“Ask the gods, not I.” He was closing the conversation, which made her want to know more.
“Do you think the gods wanted us to marry?” Did her future lay in the hands of his gods and not hers?
“Are we not married?” He answered without answering.
“Do you think the gods want me to be something?” Something more than a pretty daughter, sister, or wife, something substantial.
“I’ll ask next time I visit the temple.” He muttered, throwing his forearm over his eyes.
“Thank you.” That could change everything.
The rain continued to batter the shutters as she watched him, he did have quite the flair for the dramatics, perhaps it was cruel to say she was completely miserable here as she had enjoyed some days they had spent together, she enjoyed the market trips at least. Then she did something rather strange, something that supported her fall into insanity, she ignored every vow to herself, every whispered threat to Thalia, she shuffled across the bed and kissed his cheek. He didn’t move.