Chapter 1
Sam’s background
My mother found her soulmate when she was 12 years old, he was the most handsome boy in her class, he rocked a ponytail and has eyes as green as the fields of Scotland. She used to tell me the story every night before I went to sleep. How her tattoo appeared on her wrist after he asked her for an eraser and their hands collided. To tease me, she would say if my father wasn’t such a poor planner I might never have been born. Every year for my birthday they would add a new eraser to my collection. I must admit as a child I didn’t really understand this tradition I was more focused on the other gifts but as I grew older and saw the erasers accumulating, I started to understand how fickle the threads of destiny are. I don’t always know if it is a thing to be revered or reviled.
When my father died, I was five, five is too young to understand death, it is too young to understand finality and it is too young to understand the rippling effects of grief. My mother was never the same after that. I don’t know how much of what was left was my mother and how much was an obligation she felts towards the daughter of her soulmate.
When he died the stories stopped, the laughter stopped, and my pile of erasers reached its summit. A pile of five erasers was the only proof left that there once was love between three people in the place where only grief remains today.
I don’t think I ever purposefully thought about my soulmate, sure it crossed my mind that I would meet him someday, but I always made sure to pack an eraser to school.
It was exactly the 15th of November at 3:00 p.m. that everything I thought I knew disappeared for a second. It was a math class; I was sitting in the front of the classroom when the teacher announced the arrival of a new student. She came from England; she was to join our class. When she entered the room, I remember seeing her smile, her crescent moon eyes greeting the world. She had a warm smile, it was like someone turned on the light in the room, almost like she lifted the collective burden of existence from our shoulders. I don’t remember what she said, it is all very blurry to me, like trying to watch a movie under water.
She sat next to me; she smelled like jasmin. She was quiet and attentive to the class. When the session was over and I got up to leave I accidently dropped the content of my bag on the floor, she gracefully bent to help me retrieve my things and when she grabbed my eraser to give it back to me, her fingers grazed mine and from the tip of my little finger a line of pure black ink started running it went under my clothes I could feel it run all over my arm. I looked up panicked and was met with quiet eyes shining with unshed tears and a beaming smile.
I couldn’t breathe or think and then she reached with her other hand for mine, and she set me into movement I ran away, as fast as I could, I left my bag, my eraser and the contents of my soul behind. I ran so fast. I needed to go home. I needed my mother.
As I entered the house my heart pounded and I could hear my blood coursing through my veins. It felt as if I was drowning in Unrecognizable feelings. Fear, apprehension, joy, sadness, terror, hope and everything else I didn’t yet have a word for, colliding violently in the confines of an untrained heart.
I found myself standing face to face with her, my guardian, my father’s soulmate, the woman who gave birth to me. Our eyes locked, and I hoped she would understand me, I hoped she would see me and that I wouldn’t have to explain. She didn’t. I lifted my sleeve; I couldn’t distinguish the pattern yet of my destiny. She looked down and for a second, I thought I saw my mother, for a split second it felt like she was there, almost there. But her eyes died again, she looked up at me and uttered only one word.
“ Who?”
“A girl from class”
“Who?”
“A new one, she came from England.”
“Who?”
“Kornkamon”
And then there was nothing but silence. For a long time. She walked me to my room. Instructed me to shower and to go to bed. She also informed me that I wasn’t going to school anymore.
I remember that I wasn’t sad or hurt that I wasn’t going to school the next morning. I remember that I was relieved. I remember that I fell asleep thinking about meeting my soulmate again when I would have gained composure. I remember thinking that she was beautiful. I remember that I imagined gifting our child erasers until the day I died. Overwhelmed with everything, I forgot that my mother had a revenge to take on destiny.
The next day as I woke up, I ran to the bathroom. I wanted to see my tattoo, most of it was on my back, I could see thorns and flowers and could only imagine what was drawn on my back. I rushed downstairs to ask for help in seeing it. my elation turned sour very quickly as I found my mother's face clouded.
She was sitting next to a man I had never seen before, she asked me to sit down. That woman who had the power to make or break me with one touch chose to sit me down that day and change the course of my life in such a way that the scars she left behind carved my skin deeper and more everlastingly than any tattoo ever could.
The words that followed pierced my heart like a thousand needles. She explained, with a soulless voice, that societal differences and my person foreign background stood as insurmountable barriers. That I am a royal and that I am that before I am anything else. My tattoo was to be concealed and my marriage arranged. My soulmate to be deterred from pursuing me. Of all the thing she said one rang harder that all the other. One thing rang so hard it reached through time to pierce me now and forever.
“You would kill your father again, if you dared associating his name and his legacy with a foreign commoner, and you will kill what is left of me. Is that what you want ? our blood on your hands?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever have blood on my hand, but after that day I knew that she would never be able to wash mine from hers.
The man asked me to take off my pajama’s top, he started applying a cream. Layer after layer the thorn disappeared, the flowers disappeared and what was on my back faded before I ever had the chance to know what it was.
“This process of concealing will happen every two weeks. You will go to school and tell that girl that you have no tattoo, that she is crazy. Then no matter what her answer is call me, I ‘ll tell your headmaster that she is harassing you and she will be expelled. The day after tomorrow will be her last day in school one way or another. You shall never bring her up again, not a word. I want her to disappear even from inside of your eyelids. Am I clear? “
She was. I don’t think I ever heard clearer instructions in my life. Actually I am not really sure what life was left after those instructions.
Mon’s Background
The move from England to Thailand was unexpectedly quick. I could see the tensions between mom and dad grow, ever so rapidly, it was as if suddenly they spoke two different languages, as if their hearts suddenly realized they were never in tune and they were fighting hard to get back in tune but fruitlessly.
I always thought they were wrong to get married to someone else than their soulmates. Mom and dad waited for their soulmates, they waited long, but eventually they both gave up and found each other. Not destined to be together but still together. They thought they could make it that love was never about destiny but eventually destiny came back. Full force. Relentless. They were not meant to be and so they couldn’t be.
I woke up on a Sunday, a rainy London day, my mother’s face had rain all over her face when she said that I had to move. Dad wasn’t there, maybe he didn’t know, maybe he didn’t care or maybe he couldn’t bare it.
The fact of the matter is by the next Sunday I was on a plane, heading to a country I heard so much of but remember so little of. On the plane I remember thinking that I would never do that, I would find my soulmate I will marry them, I will side with destiny, I will seek clemency from fatality and I would save my children from the heartache. If I had a soulmate of course. It was something I always wondered if a child is born from parents who aren’t soulmates can they have a soulmate of their own. My mom always said yes that it didn’t matter, that someone was out there waiting for me as hard as I was waiting for them.
We arrived in the middle of the summer, mom said I had to wait for school, that because the move was sudden, I would have to wait a little to be able to join the Thai school and that for now I was to follow up my studies in England on my computer.
So my first months in Thailand were really my first months at home, but it wasn’t without movement. One month after our arrival, my mother sat me down to tell me something wonderful had happened; I was so certain she was getting back with dad that I saw myself packing back up and rejoining my home, but no, it was her soulmate, she had met him. She told me he was a wonderful man, that he couldn’t wait to meet me, that she was happy and she asked if I was happy for her. I told her that of course I was how could I not be. It may be the first lie I ever told my mother. How could I be happy ? How could I be when everything was changing and my dad never felt further away.
It was the first time I berated destiny, its arrogance, its lack of respect for my life and I thought maybe being enslaved to the will of the universe is a curse and not a blessing. I chased that thought really fast, but destiny has a very cruel sense of humor.
I started school on a Tuesday, I had never been so stressed, my Thai was getting better but I was still awful, what if other kids mocked me, what if they hated me, what if I was too white or too English or not enough Thai? What if I didn’t belong? What if I never would?
The teacher welcomed me with a kind smile, she told me to introduce myself, I did, with an accent that made other kids giggle. One kid stood out to me, she had big eyes, they locked on me and never mocked or moved. As chance would have it the teacher made me sit next to her.
She did not look at me or speak to me for the whole class, at the end of the it she dropped her stuff on the ground. I helped. Our fingers touched. Destiny hit. I barely had time to register, I felt elated, happy, like a lifetime of fear had just vanished. When I saw her run, so fast, so far, only then did I discover true fear, I don’t think it will ever leave me again.
I don’t remember how I got home, I don’t remember how I told my mother, I don’t remember how I made it to my room, the only thing I distinctly remember is fear and pain. That day I think I understood why my dad didn’t say goodbye, destiny was cruel and we, powerless.
After that everything is blurry, I remember going to school the next day and not seeing her, I remember dreading never to see her again. Maybe I grossed her out, maybe the fact that I was a girl, maybe the fact that I seemed like a foreigner or maybe some other disturbingly gross thing about myself made her run away. Mom kept explaining to me that there was nothing wrong with me; that it was okay that I was a girl, it was okay that my parents didn’t have the same ethnicity and that I was as Thai as the rest of them; it didn’t help much. The second night after meeting my soulmate was worse than the first one. It couldn’t get worse I thought, I drove her out of school with my gross self. But eventually she came back, she came back, and she broke what was left to break in me. She said I made a mistake that I was never her soulmate, she showed me here tattoo-less hand and she called me crazy when I told her I saw it. She was mean and cruel, her eyes fooled me so much on that first day. I couldn’t see any kindness in her. I told her that she was my soulmate she could reject me all she wanted but I knew she was my soulmate. She told me that if I told anyone she would make my life hell.
She may have been mean and dishonest, but she knew how to follow up on a threat, my mom was called in school I was promptly and swiftly instructed to shut my mouth. I cried and showed my own tattoo, surely it meant something. I was told by my teary-eyed mother that it didn’t.
My stepdad was a god send, he was the only one I could talk to. After that day in school my mother didn’t want to hear a word from me when it came to the matter. My dad was also very helpful. Both men had opposing point of views, with my dad siding against destiny and telling me that I was better off, that I was freed from a burden and that I should be happy not to be tethered to someone I didn’t choose. And Pa telling me that destiny is a process. I didn’t know who to believe or what to do. I just wanted the pain to stop.
School became hell indeed, the students mocked me for my skin, my accent but more than anything else for lying about being soulmate with royalty. I was reminded daily of how little I was, how little I deserved and of course of perverted I was. I could only bear it for a few months, the bullying was awful but on certain days I would walk past her, and we would lock eyes, and I would long for those cruel eyes and I would hate myself for longing.
Eventually I switched schools, I stopped talking to people altogether, I didn’t see the point of socializing, I focused on school and hoped that one day the longing would stop.
Sam’s Background
The heart is truly a muscle, mine was strained for a long time. Every day I would see her receive so much hate. I thought I would die from it myself. But I didn’t stop them, I didn’t stop the rumor, I let it all happen. Sometimes we would cross paths and she would look at me with her bright eyes that said so much, so much I had to make mine deaf.
The strain lasted months and then one day she stopped coming, abruptly and it felt like I had to grieve all over again. It was best for her, it was the right thing to do, it just felt wrong. I didn’t know where she had gone, back to England or just a few miles away. It felt all the same, she went too far. Too far away from me. I had grown used to the pain of seeing her, the pain of not was new. It was worse. Wherever she was I kept lying to myself, telling myself that I was happy for her, that I hoped she was not thinking of me and that I only crossed her mind when she thought about how I saved her from being destined to a liar and a coward. Truly though, I hoped that she thought of me as much as I thought of her, with every intake of breath, every heartbeat but why would she have ? She was brave and I a coward, she was an angel and I a monster who let her suffer, she was everything to me and I made sure to become nothing to her, so why in the world would she waste a thought on me.
The weeks after she left held a hell of their own. I discovered a new side a longing, new ways for pain. My mother kept berating me for being sad. She kept saying that I must respect my own blood and act in consequence. So, I started smiling. I smiled my way through many hells after that. To the world I was happy. To my mother I was dignified. To my schoolmates I was relieved from having a stalker around. Only I knew, I was slowly becoming accustomed to death.
I worked as hard as I could, I wanted to work hard enough that my brain would shut down anything but work. But I didn’t succeed, I saw her in everything. Every time a brown-haired girl crossed the street I would turn so fast my head would hurt, but it was never her. She disappeared and I faded.
Eventually I learned how to avoid her in my mind, the only thing that I could really do, I had to avoid myself. I denied myself in every single corner of my soul. I said only the opposite of what I thought, I ate only what I disliked, and I focused only on work. It made the pain more manageable. Of course, every single night I went to bed I would find myself with a vengeance. I can’t say how many pillowcases I flooded. I don’t know how many maids I begged to not say a word to my mother when they found me clutching my heart and crying my soul out.
I ultimately ran out of soul to cry. I had become somebody and stopped being someone. I was somebody people feared, I was somebody people respected, I was somebody. I only remained someone to my friends who understood me, they never quite point out why the shift happened, because we only met in high school, long after her, but they figured out how to ground me. I was endlessly grateful but didn’t know how to show it, the only thing I knew how to do was to remain there. Not as close to them as most friends are, but closer to them than I was to anyone else in the world.
Things progressed like this for years, rhythmed only by periods of Involuntary, bland, and cynical epoch and periods of pure and unaltered longing. The latter would crush me into bed for days at a time. So powerfully that even my mother could not fight them, so we did what we did best when it came to love, we lied. I had chronic migraines for the world. Migraines so strong the rendered me bedridden. Ironically, I never got migraines. The only thing I had was a soul that refused to surrender to the will of class consciousness.
Mon’s Background
I was 25 when my best friend found her soulmate. Yuki came to me on the verge of madness, a voice trembling with happiness I had never seen before.
“Her name is Tee, she is so pretty Mon, the prettiest girl I have ever seen, and she is so nice….”
The compliments kept raining in, all more powerful and flattering than the last. Happiness looked good on Yuki. I thought to myself. It has been years since I took the time to feel good about soulmates but if there was one day to reconcile with destiny, even if just for a second it was for Yuki’s happiness and it was today.
“I am so happy for you Yuki.”
“You have to meet her Mon; you have to meet her. Tomorrow she is meeting my parents and I am meeting hers but after that Mon you must meet her. I can’t wait to start my life…”
I didn’t really hear anything after that. Start my life, start my life what does that even mean. Didn’t I start mine. Was I truly lifeless. I tried to not focus too much on it, I tried to go back to being happy for Yuki.
It was an eventful night, Yuki stayed with me, she wanted to stay on the phone with Tee without her parents’ interruption and my place was the place to do it. I had rented a condo a few years ago, as soon as I financially could. My mother didn’t really understand or at least she pretended not to. In reality I think she knew, since the day she refused to speak about my soulmate, we slowly but surely stopped really talking. I tried to forget, to talk about other things but the sting of her siding with them, the ones calling me a liar, that sting never left, it grew bigger, deeper and then it festered. I kept my filial piety and did everything I was told, did my best to meet all her expectations but I failed on that one. To still trust her with my heart became harder and harder until the day it became impossible. So, I stopped. Pa tried his best to keep me on destiny’s side but eventually I understood my father. I turned away from destiny to never look back. I moved and talked to my dad more often almost daily. I called my mother once a week to check on her and always responded when she called, but I was too young when she betrayed me. I was too young and now I am too old to go back and fix everything.
My dad offered to take me back to England as soon as he heard about the bullying, but I refused. I wanted to stay in Thailand. I wanted to be stronger.
After high school. I started studying law in an English school that had a partnership with a Thai university. I spent my mornings in Uni and my afternoons in front of my computer. I like law. I like it when things are strong and organized. I liked having to be detail oriented. I like the idea of justice for all. It seemed I had chosen the right path.
“Mon…MON!”
“Sorry, what?”
“Are you free on Friday night, Tee wants me to meet her friends you and Nop can come so you can meet her too.”
“Sure Yuki, Friday after class I will join you.”
“Thank you so much Mon, you’ll see you are going to love her!”
Yuki hugged me so hard.
Friday came fast. I was a sunny Friday, even by Thailand’s standard. I was exhausted from school but happy to be part of Yuki’s happiness. I remember thinking that my graduation was soon, and I will finally have my law degree and she will be part of my happiness too.
She told me her soulmate was rich and so were her friend, so we were going to a very fancy restaurant. I reminded her that I, was not rich, I never tasted rich people’s food, I was used to rice, and dried shrimps and I liked it very much. She said that her soulmate was inviting us, and I had nothing to worry about.
My only saving grace was that Nop was going to be there. He would surely make the night more bearable. He knew my hatred of social gatherings. All I wanted most days was study, go to the Gym and go home unbothered by the burden of small talk and interactions with people. Thank God for him. He said that Tee didn’t have to pick me up that he would do it himself and he would drive me there. Which reduced the amount of time I would have to spend talking to strangers.
He came to pick me up around 6, he was wearing a very fancy suit and I was in dark jeans and a pink top.
“You are so overdressed Nop!”
“You are underdressed, we are going to fancy rich people stuff Mon, they always dress nice!”
“Nice, you look like you’re going to a job interview.”
“And you like you are going to Starbucks.”
“Should I change ?” I said, suddenly very self-conscious.
“No, of course not Mon I am only teasing, you don’t have to dress up to upstage all of them you know that” he winked at me.
Nop was always very flirty with me, he hadn’t found his soulmate yet, and he shared my dad’s point of view. “Why wait for a possible miracle by destiny when you can have someone just as miraculous within reach”. I think he would have wanted something to happen between us, but I couldn’t let it happen. It is different when you know what it is to meet your soulmate. I know what it feels how all-consuming love can be, I couldn’t let him settle. To be honest I am not sure I could ever settle myself.
“So excited about meeting Tee ?”
“Not really, I mean as best friends isn’t our job to test her.”
“Nop! what test do you think could possibly change Yuki’s mind ?!”
“I don’t know, what if she is super racist, or very homophobic”?
“I need you to think hard about what you just said. I am sure she is neither of those things.”
“OK fine, but I am still on the lookout. I don’t trust rich people.”
“I mean… I get it”
The drive to the restaurant was long, we spent the rest of hit babbling about everything and trying to finish the milk teas Nop had brought before we arrived at the restaurant. Nop parked the car a bit far because all the parking spots near the restaurant were expensive.
“I can’t wait for you to be a lawyer, we can finally afford a parking spot, I mean we still wouldn’t be able to afford the restaurant, but it would definitely be a step up.”
“Yeah, we’ll come park here to drink our milk tea like all fancy people.”
Yuki was waiting for us at the entrance.
“You guys!! this place is so cool. Come on follow me everybody is inside.”
“Wait!” I called for her “Is there anything we should know?”
“Like what ?”
“I don’t know, do they have fifteen forks? how should we address them? I don’t know Yuki a briefing would be nice.”
“She’s right Yuki, what if Mon accidentally insults all your soulmate’s friends?”
“Hey! that’s not what I meant.”
“Guys! there is nothing to know, they have a regular number of forks, and you should address everyone by their names…except for one you can address her as Mom Luang because she is royalty.”
“What?!” Nop almost screamed.
“What? I told you Tee was rich.”
We walked behind her, royalty …. I thought to myself. I hope they accept Yuki as she is. Maybe Nop was right maybe we should be on the lookout. I was focused on my thought eyes cast on my shoes when we arrived.
“Hello guys, Yuki talked so much about you. I feel like I know you already! You must be Nop and you Mon.”
I looked up to find a beautiful tall woman, short hair with a playful smile.
“Hello, nice to meet you” I greeted politely.
I looked around the table and then I saw her. I could recognize those eyes anywhere; I could pick those eyes in a crowd of a million people. I saw them every time I closed mine. They lived inside my eyelids. They knocked the breath out of me. For what felt like an eternity I could not look away
“Mon! Mon!’
“Sorry!”
“Hello I am Martha.”
“Or as we like to call her P’Jim.”
“No! I told you my name is Martha.”
“Sure, hello my name is Kade, nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too” I said bowing my head.
“Oh! She is as polite as she is pretty.”
“I am Kirk, and this is my fiancée Sam”
“Hi! nice to meet you” said Nop shaking his hand.
Fiancée… Fiancée
“Excuse me for one second” I said.
Fiancée… Fiancée
I head straight to bathroom, I threw up my milk tea, my lunch, and the rest of my longing. I couldn’t believe it. My head was spinning. To see her again was already a blow to my fragile psyche but to see her with him. With her fiancé.
I washed my face and prepared to go back there. Where I didn’t belong, where I didn’t want to be.
Nop was waiting for me in front of the door. My saving grace.
“Are you okay?” He asked worried.
“No, I will explain later, for now please don’t leave my side. Not even for a second” I begged.
“Of course, but what’s wrong, we can leave you know, right now, tell me where you want to go, we’ll go”
“Not now, I can’t do this to Yuki”
“Ok”
As I walked back to the table with an empty stomach, I tried hard to envision my father. This is not destiny; destiny is a capricious and malicious mistress. I am free and so is she. Destiny means nothing. I sat back down with one thing in mind. Do not look at her. Do not be pulled back into those eyes.
“Are you okay Mon?” Asked Yuki worried.
“Yeah, Nop and I had about 4 milk teas today”
“That addiction is going to kill you” she laughed.
Under the table Nop held my hand. It grounded me.
“Four! you are sweet, and you like sweet things” said P’Jim.
I blushed and bowed my head. I will not engage. I will not be pulled back in.
“So! tell us everything about yourself Tee” asked Nop.
The chatter started and it didn’t stop. I had the uncomfortable feeling of eye boring into the side of my head, but I did not turn. I did not look.
Eventually the conversation swayed towards me again.
“How about you Mon, a sweetheart like you do you have a soulmate” asked Kirk.
I looked at him, I could see her arm and the side of her neck, she was standing so close to him, closer than she’s ever been to me. I could distinguish her elegance. I could see her breathing. I could see only her it felt like.
“No, I don’t believe in soulmates” I responded, because why would I?
“What?!” all but screamed Kade.
“Yeah, my dad says that I must find someone that I love and that loves me back regardless of what the universe has to say.
“Yeah, I agree” said Nop “ Sometimes the right person is a choice.”
“I understand, but don’t you want to know how it feels to find your true one” asked Kirk “Look at me I found Sam and I wouldn’t change it for the world”
Laughter is a funny thing. It comes to me in my greatest moments but also in my worst.
“What’s so funny?!” She asked. Her voice must sound lovely when it is not filled with hatred. I wonder how she speaks to him. In the comfort of their home. How she speaks to her soulmate.
“Nothing, I am sorry” I said not looking at her and bowing my head.
“You laughed though” she continued.
“Mon laughs at the most unexpected times, she apologized, I think we can move on Mom Luang” said Nop.
“What are you to her that she can’t speak for herself or look at people when she talks to them?” She asked.
“Sam, please,” said Tee.
Silence fell on the table.
“Excuse Sam, she is not used to meeting new people” said P’Jim laughing.
Slowly the chatter started again. The burning on the side of my head increased. I did not look. I would not be pulled in again. The evening was slowly coming to an end.
“Should I drive you home or would you want to go somewhere else? “ Nop whispered in my ear.
“It is very rude to whisper in a gathering, you know” she spoke angrily at Nop.
“Sam!” chastised Tee
“What ? I only spoke the truth” she said unbothered.
“I apologize Mom Luang” said Nop “ and on that note Mon and I will take our leave.”
“Must she follow you, are you her boss” she said again “can’t you say goodbye by yourself little girl” she said to me
“Sam!” Chastised Tee again to no avail
“She can but she doesn’t have to” said Nop.
“Are you sure you can’t stay any longer ?” asked Yuki with her big brown eyes.
“No, I am really sorry everyone” I said bowing my head again
“It was lovely to meet you Mon and Nop” said Tee standing up.
“It was a pleasure for us as well” said Nop.
“Thank you for dinner” I said bowing my head again.
“It must be nice for you to taste a good meal, as I suppose it is the first time for poor people like you.”
“Sam!” She was chastised by Kirk this time. She shut up. I guess there are things you can’t refuse your soulmate, I thought bitterly.
Countless times I had dreamt of what she would say to me if she ever saw me again. None of the million scenarios I had tortured myself with prepared me for indifferent disdain. i just couldn’t believe it, not only she didn’t die inside but she truly didn’t care.
Yuki and Tee walked us to our car.
“I am really sorry for Sam; you know she is never like this,” said Tee.
“It’s Okay P’Tee” I responded, “It was truly lovely to meet you.”
It was. She seems kind and cares about Yuki, you can see the love in their eyes but more than anything else you can see the devotion. I think that is the scariest part of having a soulmate. The devotion.
It was only when we started driving again that the tears started pooling down of my eyes.
“Mon are you okay? please tell me what’s wrong?”
I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t really feel anything but my soul being torn apart. It felt like I was drowning in my sorrow. I couldn’t even breathe. Nop pulled over and held me. I cried on his beautiful suit for what felt like an eternity. He comforted me and whispered pleads to tell him what was wrong.
“You remember my soulmate?” I asked.
“You mean the stupid person who refused you. How could I forget?”
“It is her”
“Her, the rude and aggressive Mom Luang”
“Yep” I said.
“So, Kirk isn’t her soulmate?” he asked
‘What do I know? All I know is that she is mine.”
He sat there silent for a few minutes.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Can you stay with me tonight? We can watch a movie, eat popcorn. I just want to forget this evening altogether.
“Sure Mon, anything you want.”
“And Nop, you can’t tell Yuki, I don’t want anyone to know.”
“I promise Mon.”
The following weeks were spent dodging invitations from Yuki to hang out with Tee and her friends. School was a very good excuse; it worked during the week “I am sorry Yuki I can’t I have a late class today” and also during the weekend “I can’t Yuki I have a project due on Monday”. It hurts to lie to Yuki but since she never even knew about my soulmate it felt safer to lie.
Nop was there for me the whole time. I felt bad as if I was using his affection when I knew he wanted more than to be my friend. When I talked to him about it, he reassured me, he said that he was first and foremost my friend and that seeing me in this state, he understood that there was no place for him in my heart. It was still filled with her. We spent most our evenings together and only hung out at my place or his. It was nice but the pain didn’t go away.
I didn’t even fade, all my nights were filled with thoughts of her with him. Kirk. Her soulmate. I don’t know what is worst, that she rejects me, that she denies our bond or that she pretends to have another soulmate. I thought about their first kiss. I thought about their dinner dates. I thought about their intimate conversations. I tortured myself with so many thoughts. Followed by many feverish dreams of them laughing.
At some point Yuki got restless with her invites and it became more and more complicated to reject them, but still I continued. I was in no state to see her again. I was in no state to see anyone again. Yet Yuki kept insisting. We had to meet, we had to all become friends so we could all be together during the wonderful moment to come in her life with Tee.
Eventually I relented and accepted a coffee meeting, I told her I only had two hours to spare. I told Nop to help me get out of any complex situation. He promised he would not let me down. Yuki was ecstatic. I was crushed by apprehension.
On the D-Day, I put a timer on my phone. I promised myself I wouldn’t stay one more second than necessary. I didn’t know what to wear so Nop offered to pick for me. I allowed it. He picked a beautiful black dress I had worn at my high school graduation. It was a simple dress, but I liked it.
“You will be over dressed today” he joked I didn’t laugh, my heart beat so fast I could hear it echo through my ribcage.
“It is going to be okay Mon, if there is any problem, I will be by your side”
“Thank you” I half whispered.
The drive there was shorter than to the restaurant. When we parked Nop looked at me
“It is going to be okay Mon; I promise and if at any point it isn’t any more just press my hand and we are out of there.”
“Thank you”
He took my hand on the way to the coffee and did not drop it when we got there.
“Hello you two” said Tee.
“Mon!“ Screamed Yuki as she engulfed me in a hug.
“You look so beautiful Mon!” said Kade “Let me take a picture.”
I blushed hard.
“She is, isn’t she” added Nop “I picked the dress for her.”
“You look so pretty” added P’Jim
I blushed even harder.
“ooooh how she blushes” said P’Jim
Nop squeezed my hand.
“Mon is really shy; I think we should let her be for a little bit” said Yuki
“Hello, Mon and Nop, nice to see you again” said Kirk with a smile
He did make it difficult to hate him.
“Hello Khun Kirk” I responded bowing my head.
“Don’t I get a hello ?” said Sam.
“Hello Mom Luang” responded Nop.
“Hello” I whispered looking at my feet as if I was saying it to no one in particular.
“Okay let’s go sit down” said P’Jim.
Nop and I sat as far from the straight couple as we could. As soon as I put my hand on the table, he reached out with his to cover mine. Implicitly telling me that he was there.
Like the last time I could feel the side of my head burning, but I didn’t look. it was probably not her looking at me either, why would she ? Maybe she is congratulating herself on picking a better soulmate. She cheated destiny with grace I guess, and I was insidisously cheated by destiny.
They were all animatedly talking with each other, but neither her nor me spoke unless spoken to. I wonder why she doesn’t talk to her friends. Maybe she is busy whispering sweet nothings in his ear. I refused to look. I refuse to know.
“So, Mon you didn’t tell us what you study?” Asked P’Tee
“She studies law, Mon in super bright she is on her way to be valedictorian” said Nop proudly.
“A lawyer who can’t speak for herself, that is funny” Sam said.
“Sam!” chastised Tee
“I can speak for myself” I said “And I am not a lawyer yet” I said looking at Tee.
“And you can’t look at people when you talk to them” she said.
“Sam please!” said Kirk.
“I wouldn’t dare make eye contact with a Mom Luang” I spoke as calmly as I could
This seemed to shut her up.
“Of course, you can Mon, Sam is a sweetheart I don’t know what has gotten into her lately” said Kirk
‘Don’t speak for me” she said to him with an exhausted voice.
The chatter started again. I stayed out of it as much as I could. Only nodding or responding. The two hours passed excruciatingly slowly, especially because she didn’t say a word to me after that. For the life of me I couldn’t say if it was better or worst.
When my phone vibrated in my pocket to signal the two hours mark, I gently squeezed Nop’s hand. He reacted instantly.
« Thank you everyone, but we must take our leave Mon and I have an early day tomorrow »
« Of course, » said Tee « Thank you so much for coming, next week Yuki and I are organizing a gathering in our house to celebrate her coming to live with me, it would be nice if you could come. Yuki wouldn’t truly feel at home if her friends didn’t. »
Nop looked at me before saying « of course we will be there. »
We made our way to the car, Nop never let go of my hand, as he opened the car door for me, he looked at me, expecting me to break down as soon as I got into the car. I didn’t. We drove away. I didn’t break down, not in front of him, not this time.
He dropped me off at my condo. There an only there did the tears started. It wasn’t as much the disdain that she seemed to have for me and the content that showed in her voice every time she addressed me. It was her ability to address me this brutally when I couldn’t even gather the courage to look at her. How little must she feel for me, if she could look at, insult me, and drink her coffee as if all three were the same.
Sam’s Background
When I first arrived in university I promised myself that I wouldn’t interact with anyone. The last years of my life were absolute hell. I thought about her constantly. The thought of her only escaped me if I was on auto-pilot, so I spent a lot of time on autopilot. i truly didn’t need more friends the ones I made in highschool were enough for me Jim, Tee and Kade. they were the only people I could tolerate to be around.
My mother decided that I should study business to be in charge of my her company when she retired. i didn’t mind, there was nothing I particularly enjoyed in life, so business, medecine or engineering what difference would that have made. My only goal at this point was to please my mother and be worthy of my father’s blood, all else was detail.
My mother and I stopped talking a long time ago, we stopped interacting shortly after that, however I can’t pinpoint when we stopped loving each other. When we stopped loving in general although it seems that surely we did. She couldn’t possibly love me, not when she came into the house one day, in my second year of high school with a boy in tow “Sam this is your soulmate, his name is Kirk, you will get married”. That one sentence in her mind was enough, enough to decide of my whole life, enough to erase what I was and what I wanted to be alike. Surely nothing in me could kept on loving her after that.
Kirk wasn’t bad, he was nice, but giving him to me in lieu of my soulmate was like giving a man dying of thirst, a dry cracker. He knew that, I could see it in his eyes. Nevertheless, he was my fate even if he wasn’t my destiny.
Kirk and I grew to like each other, as friends, he knew I loved someone else, he also knew what my mother wanted. He vowed to play his role with dedication in exchange for financial support for his family. So, we started dating. He proposed to me when we finished high school, everyone was happy. It was done with the utmost dignity. Kirk knew that nothing could ever happen between us, I would bear no children, I would not touch him or let him touch me in any intimate way, we would not live together, we would not do anything that remotely resemble a life together. We would both grow old, cold and alone, him for the financial safety of his family and me to make a dead parent proud at the hand of the living one.
There are very few days that I can recall being happy, but when Tee came to announce to us that she had met her one true love, that day I was truly happy for her. It only lasted a minute but it was the most genuine minute of happiness I had experienced in years.
She met a girl about our age, they met at a coffee shop outside of the city, her name was Yuki and she was apparently god’s gift to humanity. Tee told us everything about her and more. What was surprising was that Yuki came from a poor background, her family had no money. It was my first question for Tee. “ Don’t your parents mind that she is poor?”
“Why would they ?”
“I don’t know, they don’t mind you associating their name with someone below their class?”
“Of course not Sam! They are happy for me because I am happy and all the money in the world isn’t worth Yuki”
She said it to me as if it were the simplest truth that had ever escaped her lips. I often wondered if my soulmate was born rich and royal would my mother have accepted her, would I have been happy. I had never imagined that Mon could have been accepted as she were. I would’ve given her every penny, cent and every single drop of royal blood that I had if that meant she could be mine. I would’ve been a commoner and she a queen, I would’ve been a beggar and her a billionaire if it meant she could’ve been mine.
To my despair though I was rich and royal and she was out of my league. Tee was right money really doesn’t compare to Mon. it is sad my mother chose meaningless masters to surrender her life and mine to.
Tee organized a dinner for all of us to meet Yuki’s friends, I wasn’t thrilled about having to meet new people, but Tee was so happy and elated that I could not mess it up for her.
The day of the dinner Kirk insisted to come with us. He kept said that my mother was getting restless with the wedding and it might appease her if we made more public appearances together, if we filled our social media with each other. I did not understand his reluctance to get married, I was of the opinion that the faster we did it, the faster we would be left alone, but Kirk wanted to delay the date as much as possible. I didn’t mind any of it.
He drove us to the restaurant, my friends were already there we could hear the animated chatter before we coud even see them. I envied how little effort it seemed to take for them to live.
Tee : « Honorable Fuzz, Kirk! welcome to both of you »
Kirk : « Of course Tee, hello Yuki how are you ? »
Yuki : « Amazing! How about you? »
Kirk : « We are great thanks »
We sat down for a while, everyone kept on chatting. I watched them and wondered how long this feeling of loneliness even in the middle of a crowd would last. I wondered if I could recall a time I didn’t feel lonely after my dad died and for the life of me I couldn’t think of one.
When I saw her The world around me seemed to blur as memories flooded my mind. It had been years since I last saw her. Agonizing years. I had denied her and I had lived a life of misery convinced I would never see her again. I had walked away from her, I had turned my back on her, I had let her suffer and she had disappeared and I thought I would never see her again.
She looked so beautiful, more beautiful than I could remember, she still had her plump heartshaped lips, and soft skin and beautiful brown hair. I was on the verge of fainting. She was so close I could almost smell her, I could almost touch her and yet she seemed so far away. She hadn’t seen me yet. I couldn’t decide if I wanted her to look at me or not. My heart cannot take it, I can’t take her walking out of my life twice.
But now, as destiny would have it, our paths had crossed again. My heart raced in my chest, and a bittersweet mix of emotions swirled within me—sorrow, regret, and above all, an overwhelming sense of longing. The sight of her stirred a dormant ache deep within my soul. That soul I thought dead, those emotions I thought handled. One look from her and a lifetime achievement of self-denial was rendered useless. The cathedral I had buried my soul is torn apart, the unfertile ground where my soul laid, broke open and life emerged from it. Painful life. Almost like atrophied muscles were suddenly in charge of carrying an entire universe.
For what felt like an eternity, we couldn't tear our gaze away from each other. The world around us faded into the background as we surrendered to the overwhelming pull of the gravity between our souls.
“Mon! Mon!”
“Sorry” she said looking down.
I will kill Jim, I will kill her dead.
“Hello I am Martha.”
“Or as we like to call her P’Jim.”
“No! I told you my name is Martha.”
“Sure, hello my name is Kade, nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too” she said bowing her head.
“Oh! She is as polite as she is pretty.” said kade
I wanted to scream at her. Don’t call her pretty! She is not yours to call pretty! She is not yours to call polite ! But I kept my mouth shut because the truth is she wasn’t mine either.
When Kirk introduced himself as my fiancé. she looked away, she managed to fight gravity and as soon as she did she excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she left I released a breath for the first time since I saw her. My entire body was on fire, it felt as if my tattoo wanted to chase the concealer away. It was as if my tattoo wanted to come to life and reach across the table, across the restaurant and grab her and never let her go for as long as we Iived, for as long as I breathed. But I couldn’t. Years changed a lot of things but not my cowardice, not my inability to be worthy of her.
The guy she came with followed her. Who was he to her ? Why did she come with him ? were they more than friends ? Were they a couple ? Why did he follow her? Is he going to comfort her ? Is he going to touch her ? Is he going to kiss her?
Since the day I met Miss Konkarmon, I had discovered many emotions, pain, sorrow but jealousy I hadn’t. Now I feel like there is a new force animating my body and my thoughts. I just wanted to stand up wrap her in my arms and run far away where it would be just her and I. Noone else.
They eventually came back, they walked so close to each other. Her hand was in his, the fury that burned within me I couldn’t describe, it was a fire that left nothing but embers.
“Are you okay Mon?” I heard Yuki ask.
“Yeah, Nop and I had about 4 milk teas today” she answered
Her voice was so sweet, I wondered how her she must sound whispering in my ears. I wonder if she smells as good as she looks. I bet she smells sweet, as sweet as her milk tea.
“That addiction is going to kill you” Laughed Yuki.
There is nothing funny about this. What kind of friends are those. If she was with me I’d be careful. I’d give her milk teas with less sugar. I’ll make them at home for her so she always have a healthy milk tea to drink. I would do it all. I would get mad if she didn’t listen. I would worship her so much that I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of her not taking care of herself.
“Four! you are sweet, and you like sweet things” said P’Jim.
she blushed and her face took on a beautiful reddish color, she bowed her head. She looked like a porcelain doll. She looked like she had been drawn by the Gods, a perfect face. A skin so soft that it was surely made to be caressed, a nose so small that it was made to be bit, hair so soft that it was made to be touched and lips so plump, so pink that surely they were made to be kissed. They looked so yummy, I was sure that if I ever tasted them the rest of what the universe had to offer would taste bland.
She only looked at me once in a decade. She didn’t seem to want to do it again. My eyes were set on her. I wanted to make sure that I would catch her if she looked at me again. That was all I wanted. I couldn’t have anything else. I couldn’t kiss her, I couldn’t touch her and I probably would never be able to even see her when I wanted to. But now she is here and I can look at her.
“How about you Mon, a sweetheart like you do you have a soulmate” asked Kirk.
I wanted to punch him. I wanted to hit him so hard he would never ask such stupid questions ever.
“No, I don’t believe in soulmates” She responded
I had denied her. I had walked away from her. But never, ever had she denied me. It was one of the only things I held on to during these past years. I was the monster who denied her and I was the idiot who turned away from destiny. She would never turn her back on destiny. To hear her say that. I had hurt her so much, so profoundly that I had definitely change her outlook on life and destiny.
“What?!” Yelled Kade.
“Yeah, my dad says that I must find someone that I love and that loves me back regardless of what the universe has to say.” She said
I would love you back, I wanted to scream. I would love you back with all the content of my heart. I would love you back so much I would fix every single thing I ever broke. But Again I sat there silent. At this point all I could ask is for her to look at me. I would give everything for her to look at me. I would damn myself and the world if she could just look at me.
“Yeah, I agree” he said “ Sometimes the right person is a choice.”
Of course you would agree, a**, of course you would. I wanted to push him away from her, tell him that she would never be with him, tell him that she is not his. But more than anything else I wanted her to look at me.
Please, please just look at me.
“I understand, but don’t you want to know how it feels to find your true one” asked Kirk “Look at me I found Sam and I wouldn’t change it for the world”
Never in my life, have I felt more ashamed. She knows he is lying. I had noone knowing about my status in so long, that the lie went unnoticed by me most of the time. But to say it here in front of her. The shame that I felt. The shame. And to make the matter worst, she laughed. She laughed. It must be so funny to envision me with him. To envision my abhorrent misfortune. She must be rejoicing at the idea of what I had become. I had denied perfection and now I was parading in a laughable charade.
“What’s so funny?!” I asked. My voice unwilling to disclose the shame I felt. If I could, I would’ve ran away.
“Nothing, I am sorry” she said
She was still not looking at me. I felt worthless to her. Ashamed and not even worthy of being looked at.
“You laughed though” I said
I don’t know what I wanted. I wanted her to react, to yell at me, to expose my charade. I wanted her to do something that would mean she cared. Anything to show that I wasn’t just a laughable memory to her. I wanted her to show me that at least she felt a little bit of the turmoil that was slowly drowning me.
“Mon laughs at the most unexpected times, she apologized, I think we can move on Mom Luang” said Nop.
Who is this man ? Who is to hold her hand ? To drive her anywhere ? To speak for her?
At this point my anger, my shame, my jealousy and my longing all came swirling together. It doesn’t really matter what could’ve happened at that point nothing could have stopped me. I needed her. I needed something from her. Anything, anger, yelling, didn’t really matter to me. All I wanted was something.
“What are you to her that she can’t speak for herself or look at people when she talks to them?” I asked him. I wanted to yell at her to look at me. I was not ready to be deprived of her eyes when I was only twelve when she stopped looking at me. And now at 26 she gave me a second. Only a second. It was enough to addict me but not enough to satisfy me.
“Sam, please,” said Tee.
Silence fell on the table. I forgot for a second why we were here. I forgot about Tee and I forgot about Yuki. All I ever wanted was standing within arms reach and I couldn’t do anything.
“Excuse Sam, she is not used to meeting new people” said P’Jim laughing.
If this all wasn’t so sad, this would’ve made me laugh. The fact that my friends have to apologize for me for how little I know how to speak to my soulmate. For the fact that everybody at this table thinks this is my first time meeting Mon. For the fact that after all of this, my outburst, my rudeness, my abhorrent behavior, she still didn’t look at me.
I had spent the last 10 minutes staring at the side of her face. Her small ear, beautiful with an elegant earing. I watched her hand press on her neck to massage it a little. I looked at how small and thin her wrist was. She had a very beautiful hand.
I thought at some point she may be alerted by my staring but she wasn’t, or she didn’t show. She didn’t even glance my way.
I was still entranced when my vision was blocked by his hair. he went ahead and whispered something in her ear. He had no right. He had no right to look at her. He certainly had no right to whisper in her ear.
“It is very rude to whisper in a gathering, you know” I yelled at him
“Sam!” chastised Tee
“What ? I only spoke the truth”
“I apologize Mom Luang” said Nop “ and on that note Mon and I will take our leave.”
That’s is not what I wanted. I don’t want her to go yet. How will I know when I’ll see her again. Stay I wanted to scream. Please pity me and stay. I just want to look at you a little bit more. But I didn’t say that. I couldn’t say that.
“Must she follow you, are you her boss ? can’t you say goodbye by yourself little girl”
“Sam!” Chastised Tee again to no avail
“She can but she doesn’t have to” He responded smugly
“Are you sure you can’t stay any longer ?” asked Yuki
“No, I am really sorry everyone” she said bowing her head again
“It was lovely to meet you Mon and Nop” said Tee standing up.
“It was a pleasure for us as well” said Nop.
“Thank you for dinner” She said bowing her head again.
She was leaving me again, who knows when I would see her again. I had nothing to lose anymore, all I wanted was a look. Her eyes to meet mine. I could not think of any way of doing that. The only thing that came to me was offense.
“It must be nice for you to taste a good meal, as I suppose it is the first time for poor people like you.”
“Sam!” I was chastised by Kirk this time.
She didn’t look at me. Even after that. After all I’ve done tonight she didn’t spare me a glance. What was left to say. She didn’t hate me enough to look at me. I was a disgusting thing to her maybe, maybe she didn’t want to be reminded of what she had escaped. All energy left my body. I was a mess. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. But as the day I met her for the first time and the day I broke her heart, I knew this day would alter things.
I went home that night, I couldn’t even bear to let Kirk drop me off. I took a VIP taxi. I need to be alone. I needed to regain mastery over myself.
I Couldn’t even bathe, let alone make it to the first floor. I just popped myself on the couch and I kept replaying the night over and over again. I couldn’t believe I saw her again. She was so beautiful. I don’t think anybody could compare. In a room of opal and godesses she would stand brighter than the former and prettier than the latter.
The voice in my head kept telling me to stop thinking about her, to move on, to never see her again, to do everything in my power to bury myself again. But I didn’t think I could, not again, nobody should burried thrice in a lifetime. Noone should even be burried twice.
I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do now. My circumstances didn’t change, my mother didn’t change, the world around me hadn’t changed, only I was forever altered again.
The following days I couldn’t even go to work, I couldn’t really be bothered to do anything. The company was doing well and Kirk was handling the day to day activities. My mother handled everything else. Of course she gave me an earful about my professionalism. But I could not care less, I told her I had migraines the likes of which I never had before. She didn’t say anything after that. She just told me to take care of myself. I wanted to answer “have I not been doing that since dad passed away?”. I didn’t.
I stayed home, I started noticing things, like how gray my house was, how little of myself was in it. No pictures on the walls, no frames of movies or TV shows I liked, nothing. It looked like a rental made by some obscure corporation to launder money. It didn’t look like a home. This was just a house where somebody seemed to live.
I started wondering for the first time in my life, what if I didn’t run away that day, what if I stayed, what if we talked, what if I lied to my mother, what if I ran away with Mon to England where I could be whoever I was instead of this shell of person. What if I held her hand and explained everything. Would she have stayed? Would she have run away with me? Where would we be now? Maybe in England in a small appartment, I would have become a teacher or a doctor or maybe I would have started my own comapny and would’ve become my own person and not someone else’s legacy.
During the following weeks we met a lot with Yuki and Tee, they were getting to know each other so fast, exposing their thoughts to each other in a little bubble. It was beautiful to witness.
During one of those gatherings, P’Jim asked Yuki why we weren’t seeing her friends anymore, I wondered the same but I could never ask.
“Mon is swamped with work, I keep asking her and she keeps saying she can’t make it. Nop is free but he won’t come without Mon. They are attached to the hips these days” Yuki had answered.
At that point my heart was so tender. After seeing her again it seemed my heart got rid of its shell and it left the flesh exposed. Any mention of her name, the future or love felt like sandpaper passed over an exposed wound. But Yuki’s answer that was a rip. It was a tear.
I was so sure she wasn’t busy with work, she just didn’t want to see me again. I knew that, because since the day I saw her all I wanted was to see her again and if she despised me as much as I adore her I might never see her again.
I thought about Nop, and why they were attached at the hip. Maybe after seeing me she realized how much of a bullet she dodged and it made her closer to him. Maybe they were at home laughing together and how stupid and gross I was. Maybe he was telling her all about their future together whilst I’ll withered away with a man I didn’t love.
I wondered what would happen if I took my car, drove to her house and begged her for a do over. Begged her to follow me and leave everything behind. Tell her that if she give me a shot I will atone for every single wrong that happened to her, those I caused by presence and those that my absence let happen. I would stand at her door and give myself completely. What would she have done? Shut the door in my face? Laugh? dispise me for my weakness? Or worst maybe she wouldn’t be the one opening the door maybe it would be him and they’ll both send me away. After all I had single handedly killed her belief in destiny.
COFFEE
How much time can she bare to spend in my presence I wondered? Will she look at me this time? Will I be able to talk to her to say something I truly want to say?
The Day of the coffee arrived soon, like the last time I was told that HE was driving her. I told Tee to offer to pick her up. She looked at me funny and said she already did but Nop volunteered and Mon chose to come with him.
Why him? Why anyone? Deep down I knew I had no right to ask that, not when I was walking with an appendix myself. But surely it was different I don’t like Kirk, I don’t spend time with him, I didn’t choose him actually I avoid him when I can. But she likes Nop they spend time together, he drives her places, they are attached to the hip. Surely it is different because I had only denied her with my mouth, and my hands, and my eyes but my heart, my gut and my soul, they never denied her. They never forgot about her, they never let me be, never let me go a day without longing for her. Did she long for me back then ? Does she now? Or Does she just long for him?
They arrived hand in hand. I wanted to reach out across the table and disantangle their hands. Friends don’t stand that close to each other. I don’t hold Kade’s hand, I don’t even hold Kirk’s hands.
“Hello you two” said Tee.
“Mon!“ Screamed Yuki as she engulfed her in a hug.
I wanted to be Yuki’s hands, Yuki’s arms.
“You look so beautiful Mon!” said Kade “Let me take a picture.”
Kade’s right! If she was disarmingly beautiful before, today is a whole other level. She is too good for this world.
When she blushed my tender heart skipped a few beats.
“She is, isn’t she” added Nop “I picked the dress for her.”
Anger and jealousy filled my veins so quickly so evidently that my skin must have paled. How dare he? Choose her dress! is her husband ? What was he doing in her room ? What was he doing in her closet? What business did he have looking at her at all? Let alone pick a dress for her !
“You look so pretty” added P’Jim
She blushed again. I didn’t know if I’d ever call her mine. But the pride I would feel would probably turn me invincible.
“ooooh how she blushes” said P’Jim
Nop squeezed her hand. I almost stood up and told him to remove his filthy hands from what was mine. No, from who I belonged to.
“Mon is really shy; I think we should let her be for a little bit” said Yuki
“Hello, Mon and Nop, nice to see you again” said Kirk with a smile
She reached for his hand to shake it. She had greeted everyone and was greeted by everyone except for me. The uncomfortable burn that had set in my heart intensified. I understood that I wasn’t good enough for a look, for a life, for a soulmate but surely she could pity me and offer a greeting.
“Don’t I get a hello ?” said Sam.
“Hello Mom Luang” responded Nop.
He looked smug. I wonder if he knew who I was to her.
“Hello” she whispered not sparing me a glance.
What I did to her as a child was wrong. What I let happen was terrible and for as long as I breathe I would not forgive myself. But the thought that she would never forgive me set in my mind for the first time. What if she never did.
“Okay let’s go sit down” said P’Jim.
I hoped she would sit closer to me than the last time, unfortunately she sat further. they held hand over the table and for a moment all fight escaped me. It was a quiet understanding that I’ll never be anything to her. I wanted to scream. Take off my shoe and plunge my heel through his hand, nail him to the table and take her away. Yet, my shoe remained on my foot and his hand remained blasphemously on her hand.
What could I do ? I looked at her. I stared. What could I do?
“So, Mon you didn’t tell us what you study?” Asked P’Tee
I was eager to know too.
“She studies law, Mon in super bright she is on her way to be valedictorian” said Nop proudly.
Why won’t he let her talk?! I couldn’t have anything but why wouldn’t I even have the echo of her voice as she spoke to someone else.
“A lawyer who can’t speak for herself, that is funny” I said before I could stop myself.
“Sam!” chastised Tee
“I can speak for myself” she said “And I am not a lawyer yet”
It was a win, she answered my question. Technically she spoke to me. Technically this is the first time in years that she addressed me. Yet she couldn’t look at me. I pushed my luck.
“And you can’t look at people when you talk to them” .
“Sam please!” said Kirk.
I shouldn’t have pushed my luck. I should’ve stayed silent.
“I wouldn’t dare make eye contact with a Mom Luang”” she responded not looking at me.
She said this as if it was pronounced out of respect. I knew better. I might’ve been the only person at that table who knew better. She was right I denied her. I chose class over her. I chose my mother over her. I chose futilities over her. How could I think I deserved anything?
All fight left my body for the second time. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted to go back to the house. I wanted to go back to being nothing. Because she was right, there was no Sam, there was noone in front of her. Why would she look at nothing. Why would she?
“Of course, you can Mon, Sam is a sweetheart I don’t know what has gotten into her lately” said Kirk
‘Don’t speak for me” I said.
I am no sweetheart. Not to you and especially not to her. To her I was a disgusting bad memory that has no business trying to be anything else.
I waited calmly for everything to end. This coffee, this afternoon, this entire life really.
« Thank you everyone, but we must take our leave Mon and I have an early day tomorrow »
« Of course, » said Tee « Thank you so much for coming, next week Yuki and I are organizing a gathering in our house to celebrate her coming to live with me, it would be nice if you could come. Yuki wouldn’t truly feel at home if her friends didn’t. »
Nop looked at her before saying « of course we will be there. »
Why wouldn’t he answer for the both of them? Wasn’t he the one driving her home? Wasn’t he the one who’s hand she held? Who’s eyes she met? Wasn’t he the one she chose? Wasn’t he the one who chose her?
The exhaustion I felt that day was so utterly complete that it defeated every single bit of hope, however small it was. I couldn’t even daydream about another life where she was mine. It left me alone and lonely in this life and in all others.
Mon’s POV
The day of the housewarming party arrived igniting a flurry of conflicting emotions . Yuki and tee, the hosts of the event, were the embodiment of the fabled soulmates—the lucky few who had found their perfect match. It was a joyous occasion, as they embarked on their new journey of shared lives under one roof. All they wanted to do was share that happiness However, forme, the thought of attending the party carried an unwelcome weight.
I had such a history with Sam, someone the connection I first felt with her had been so intense and it was broken so quickly. It had marked my entire childhood with unforgettable moments of pain and despair. As much as I had moved on, the memories of that time lingered, interwoven with traces of longing and regret.
Reluctantly, I still decided to honor the invitation, knowing that it would be an opportunity to witness the happiness of one of the best people I had ever had the chance to encounter.
The day of the party arrived, and as I stood before the door of the newly acquired home, I couldn't help but feel a sense of trepidation. With a deep breath, Nop and I entered the house, stepping into an atmosphere of celebration and anticipation.
Yuki and Tee welcomed us with radiant smiles, their love and happiness evident in every gesture. Yuki looked like the sun decided to brighten her face forever. The house pulsated with laughter, music, and the clinking of glasses—a testament to the occasion. I couldn't help but be swept up in the infectious energy, momentarily forgetting the weight of their own apprehensions.
However, as the night progressed, a sense of unease settled within me. The thought of encountering Sam loomed over them like a shadow. I became hyperaware of every person who entered the room, scanning the crowd for any glimpse of the familiar face that haunted my thoughts. Time seemed to both drag on and slip away as they anxiously navigated through conversations and feigned smiles.
Nop held my hand through all of it. In the midst of their restlessness, I found solace in his company. He could sense my stress and unease and offered a comforting presence. we tried to engaged in deep conversations, sharing stories and laughter with other guests and it momentarily distracted me from my worries. Nop acted as a shield, diverting my attention away from the door, allowing me to be present in the moment.
As the night wore on, my eyes darted between the clock and the crowd, my heart racing with anxiety. The prospect of encountering Sam had become a strange blend of dread and longing. A part of me had hoped, despite everything, that I would see her. But deep down, I knew that seeing her again, even in passing, would stir so many emotions, so much turmoil.
As the party neared its end, her absence became evident. The disappointment that flooded my heart was unexpected. I had convinced myself that seeing her would only reopen old wounds, but in truth, I had held onto a glimmer of hope— Stupid, baseless hope that the longing will let me be even for just an evening.
She didn’t come. I was there and she wasn’t. I avoided her but figuring out that she might be avoiding me even years later. Had seeing me cemented the contempt she felt for me. Was the vision of me enough to reassure her that her ineffable cruelty was justified.
Sam’s POV
Fatigue settled deep within me, permeating every fiber of my being. The weariness was not simply physical; it was a weariness of the soul. I found myself exhausted, drained by the weight of societal expectations that seemed to suffocate the very essence of my being. The world had my mother craft a blueprint for a life deemed "acceptable,". I had, long ago, become disenchanted with the limitations it imposed. Now though, for the first time I questioned where my loyalty laid. To whom did I owe anything.
As I trudged through the motions of my daily existence, a growing discontent gnawed at my core. The facade of neutrality I wore for the world concealed a simmering restlessness, a yearning to break free from the shackles and to go to her, everyday I longed for her, everyday I questionned the world standing between us, and the more I questionned the less the world made sens and the more the longing grew which made me question the world even more.
I questioned the very purpose of my existence—for a while I believed that it could be merely to follow a predetermined path laid out by society but after seeing her again, after seeing Tee with Yuki I couldn’t deny there was more. I was feeling robbed, of my own existence and essence. I realized I didn’t bury myself alone, someone gave the shovel, showed me the graveyard and made sure I got into the hole. Someone who once loved me. Someone who had forgotten what love was and managed to make me forget. But one look at Mon, one glance to the side of her face, her blushing cheeks her soft hands and I couldn’t be ignorant no more. I knew. I had to know what love was.
The expectations thrust upon me weighed heavily on my shoulders. Society demanded that I conform, that I adhere to predefined milestones and achievements. Happiness was reduced to a checklist of societal checkboxes—a stable job, a picture-perfect relationship, a settled life. Yet, with each accomplishment ticked off, I couldn't help but feel a lingering emptiness, a sense that something vital was missing. I yearned to escape the suffocating confines of this life, to embrace the unknown. I yearned for her. More than anyhting else, I would fit all other expectations if she breathed life into me like only she could do.
The weariness that consumed me was not born out of laziness or apathy. It stemmed from the relentless pursuit of a life that did not align with my authentic self. I craved authenticity, to live a life that resonated with the true depths of my being. The societal constructs that had been imposed upon me felt like shackles, inhibiting my growth and preventing me from tapping into my full potential. I craved to know home. Again. like when I was a child.
The exhaustion stemmed from the weight of masks I wore—the masks that shielded my true desires and passions.
The world whispered cautionary tales, warning against deviating from destiny. I hadn’t listened, neither did my mother. But I should’ve known better, I should’ve known better. I didn’t. And I went ahead a ruined my own destiny along with hers.
I could feel the guilt. It all came crashing down on me. All the guilts.
The first sin was running away from her. How could I ? She looked at me hopeful with those brown eyes, mesmerizing. I had to carry the guilt of making what should’ve been the best day of her life a day of pain and questionning. I rejected her first when I ran. At the time I may not have known I was rejecting her, but I did. I thought, almost daily now, about how she must’ve felt going home that day. What she must’ve thought. I should’ve been there. I wish I was.
My second sin was accepting my mother’s plan. I denied her a second time when I let them cover my tattoo. It was a gift, the first gift she ever gave me. I let them taint it. I let them turn beauty into a secret. I let them erase her from my flesh when I should’ve known in a better world her flesh was mine and mine hers.
The third sin was denying her a third time, by lying. I let my mother’s vicious words make their way out of my mouth and thus I let them become mine. I threw at her a rage that wasn’t mine. I denied her with rage. I denied her with an all consuming fear of what not denying her would entail for me.
The fourth sin was in the headmaster’s office. When she showed her tattoo and I hid mine. When she exposed her arm and her back with tears streaming down her face. When she offered her own flesh as proof as our bond I should have dropped everything. I should have fallen on my knees an begged for forgiveness. I stared at her as she fell apart. I had to stand there and watch her beautiful face understand the length this world could go to break you and your soul. I was the world to her that day and I have failed her in all the ways I could.
The fifth sin is the worst to me. It is the one who’ll shame me even in death. It is the one that would make me cast my eyes down even as a spirit. It is the one that will haunt me long after this world has gone. It is standing there as she was bullied. My cowardice those few months I cannot atone for. There is no good I could in this life and lives to come that could make a dent in the evil I casted upon her on those days.
All those thoughts flooded my mind for days on end. Eventually I reached a conclusion. A decision. There is probably nothing I could do or say that would make her forgive me. Even if there was I knew I could never deserve it. So I will do the next best thing. I vowed that I would never hurt her again, in any way. She couldn’t bare to look at me, so be it.
I called P’Tee and told her that I couldn’t make it to the housewarming party. I wanted to go, I wanted to admire her from afar but from now on she came first. And she couldn’t look at me. I would spare her.
I stayed home that night. Alone.
Mon’s POV
Love has the power to consume us, to fill our hearts with joy and our souls with euphoria. But when that love is lost or betrayed, the pain cuts deep, leaving us shattered and questioning our worth. It's a pain that lingers, refusing to fade away with time. And sometimes, life has a cruel way of throwing us back into the path of the person who broke us. I never expected to see her again. But fate had other plans, it seems. Twice. And with each encounter, the turmoil within me reignited, as if the wounds I thought were healed were torn wide open once more.
I used to like my tattoo, I mean even after I was told I was a liar, even after she denied me, I still liked my tattoo, however, recently things changed. I avoided looking at it. I avoided myself on the mirrors of the house. I guess the dust settled now, there was no hope.
I didn’t really know what to do with myself anymore. It was like the bubble bursted, for the past years I tried to deny that I had hope, but I did. And now, I didn’t know anymore.
After the house warming party, things had gotten quiet. The invitations weren’t as numerous anymore. Tee and Yuki were probably relishing on their time alone. It was harder these days thinking about their happinesse. I had seen her, seen how beautiful she grew to be, I expected it, she always was beautiful but still it is staggering to see her no longer as a child would see a child but as an adult woman sees an adult woman. I thought about her daily, like a desease that was dormant for so long and was now, taking over my whole body.
Nop tried his best to get my mind off of things
………………………..
Sam’s POV
I’ve been smiling more lately, people have never seen me so happy apparently. It is the talk of the century. At my company I appear less cold or tyranical. “It must be the wedding approaching” they say….”She’s so happy to marry Mr Kirk” they say…..They couldn’t possibly understand.
I’ve been missing my dad recently, I keep thinking about him. I didn’t use toa think about him this much. Actually that’s not true. I’ve been thinking about my real dad, not the mutilated ghost my mother planted in my mind like a scarecrow. My real dad, the loving man, I’ve been thinking about his smile. Most of my mind is filled with Mon but in every creak and crevasse my dad lays. I wondered what he would say if I dropped it all, ran to her, got on my knees and begged, would he be angry at me or would he smile and tell me “that’s how you get the girl”. Would he think I diregarded his heritage or would he be proud of me, because for once I would be brave ?
I think about that a lot, I think about running to her, confessing all and beg, beg for as long as my knees allow me to kneel, so she forgives me and I could start to be a person again just for her. I think about it so hard that every minute spent not doing it is excruciatingly painful. I have never looked this happy.
I wish my dad was here.