the diary

James walked, at least he had thought he was walking but the world around him was blurring and his feet were speeding up and now he was running he was running after regulus, only, he didn’t know where regulus went. James needed to speak with him, he needed to explain why he did what he did, he needed regulus to know he didn't mean to offended him, to hurt him

He needed regulus to know how he felt. How bad he felt. How in love with him he was.

James ran through the halls of the castle until his lungs felt like they burnt and were collapsing in on themselves, until he had been too exhausted to continue moving, he slumped onto the floor leaning his back on a wall taking heaving breaths in.

The door that appeared before him made him think he had actually lost sense of self. James didn't know if it was the exhaustion or the overexertion that was getting to him, maybe a bit of both if he was being honest with himself. But there was an honest to god door that just appeared out of nowhere right on the wall adjacent to the one he was leaning on. 

James got up, opened the door, confirmed that he wasn't crazy, seeing things was one thing, being able to operate your hallucinations was another, he established he wasn't losing his mind. 

He looked expecting to see many things… but, he just saw many blankets and pillows in a rather comfortable space and in the middle of it looking out the window curled up into a ball and clutching a book was Regulus.

James felt sick, he thought that this was what guilt was. Guilt ate you alive from the inside out, and he kind of wanted to let it consume him whole because as Regulus turned around and saw him his eyes…his eyes looked, they looked dead.

James had not seen regulus’ eyes look as such since Regulus appeared on his doorstep last summer. Regulus was a person who was great at turning off his emotions, it was a great trait to have in that house, the ability to switch off. Regulus’ eyes would glaze over when he would think too hard, or feel too much, and James had noticed that Regulus (differently to how he would describe himself) felt every single emotion wholeheartedly. 

James went to speak, Regulus beat him to it

“I'm sorry…” James let him gather his thoughts although he was already preparing to protest 

“I'll find a place to live next summer, I Didn't mean to make you-” Regulus wasn’t looking at him as he was speaking. James was now standing a few feet away from Regulus and took the opportunity to interrupt him. 

“You must have lost your mind” James says,

which catches Regulus' attention, who looks even more devastated now than when he first spoke, James quickly realizes he needs to finish his thought. 

“You must have lost your mind if you think that I'm going to let you do that” James finishes.

Regulus looks a bit dazed, as if James was some mythical creature that Regulus had never seen and the boy stares up at home with such blurry gaze that James feels a bit daft for standing, he sinks to his knees near Regulus looking at him with sincerity. 

—- 

“Reggie” James says, just the nickname nothing more 

‘you can call me anything you want just please call me something’ regulus can seem to think straight 

“James, I'm a boy” regulus thinks he needs to remind James of this because he seems to have forgotten this factor. James read the diary, James knows what he's talking about, how could he not have… Regulus is a boy, who likes boys… and James…

“So am I,” James replies.

“I'm sorry about the diary, I really am, I Didn't mean to do that, I just wanted to have a laugh I promise I didn't know what I was doing” 

James starts, and regulus sees a new side of James he had yet to experience - the ‘apologetic tangent’ side, the side which James reserves for days when he he feels completely and utterly shit about something which is entirely his fault, Regulus looks at him again and realized how close they are. James is still speaking, Regulus follows the way his lips move when he speaks.  

“I just do stupid shit like that sometimes, i- you’re just… you’re  really special and i, I really embarrassed you and i've messed up horribly” James keeps going 

He's called me special, Regulus has to remind himself that he just went through a public humiliation at the fault of this boy, he has the right to be angry at him. 

But he's not, not at all actually, James is ranting a massive apology and James has freckles on his nose and he has dimples and his glasses are sliding down his nose a bit and his hair is all messy form tussling it around all day… and Regulus doesn't want to be angry with him.  

“It's okay,” Regulus says, cutting him off. James looks a bit bewildered…the Gryffindor pauses then smiles just a bit

“Reggie?” he says again this time it's more of a question 

“Yes?” Regulus asks back 

“Was it true, what your wrote, about me I mean” James asks 

“Ya Potter, but I reckon you figured that out already” Regulus replies. 

And maybe having a diary is stupid, 

and maybe writing in said diary is stupid 

or maybe 

( and this happens only if you're extremely lucky) 

just maybe you’ll end up kissing the boy you've been pinning over in a small room somewhere in a dimly lit castle.