My hands shook, my teeth digging into my lip and I could taste blood drip into my mouth but I ignored it.
I was standing just outside the living room, watching the fight. Sirius and our parents fought a lot, it was a normal occurrence now. But I could feel it, this one was different. This one was worse, so very much worse.
I dug my nails into my arm and slipped down to the floor, knowing there was no way to end well. And the ending I had decided was going to happen wasn't good at all.
I glanced over to the Floo System, knowing what was going to happen next. I knew Sirius too well. Sure, we had our ups and downs (and they were mostly downs) but he was still my brother. I would always know him better than anyone else in the world and I would always love him more than anyone else in the world.
So, of course I knew what was going to happen next.
I bit down harder on my lip, trying to get rid of my tears or at least keep them in my eyes. I may not like him but I did love him. He was my brother. He may not like me either but he was always there. When our parents went too far, he was there to take the brunt of the blow. And then would we deal with the aftermath, not sure what to say to one another.
We were both drowning and neither of us knew how to save the other but at least we were drowning together.
But now I'd be alone. Drowning alone. I knew Sirius had his friends, he had places to go. He would be safe. Not only that, he’d be happy. He’d finally be able to be everything he wanted to be, everything he was meant to be.
But not me. I wasn’t meant to be like him. I was meant to stay here, be the new heir. Be the golden child. The one my parents loved, the one they pushed to perfection and that's what I was meant to give them.
So here I was, listening to the screaming coming from the room next to the one I was in. I knew that Sirius was about to come bursting through the door and then he’d be gone, for me to only see him at Hogwarts where he would end up ignoring me to the day one of us died.
I wanted to hate him. I wanted to be mad that he was leaving, abandoning me here to suffer. Letting me live in this house that he knew was slowly killing me.
But I couldn't be angry with him. I knew he was just doing the best for himself. And I knew that if he could get me out, he would try.
But he knows that I'll never go with him. He knew I had a duty to fulfill. And he knew I would try to fulfill it even if it killed me.
Before I realized it, someones feet led themselves to the hallway where I sat and I looked up to see Sirius walking into the room. His fists were clenched by his side but other than that, the average person wouldn’t be able to sense the anger radiating off of him.
But me being his brother, I could tell that he was so angry that he might break something or someone.
“Regulus..?”
“Hey,” I sniffed, brushing my hand over my cheek. There was a pause. A long pause, our breaths the only thing either of us heard. Our parents had gone silent for God knows why and neither of us said another word for what must've been minutes. Sirius did break the silence though, as he always tended to do.
“Did you hear all of that?” he asked, his words coming slowly out of his mouth which was an abnormality for him.
“Kind of,” I shrugged as if it was nothing. I avoided looking in his eyes at all costs. If I looked at those eyes, I knew I would break, right then and there.
His eyes were beautiful, eye catching, enchanting even. My eyes were the same color as his yet mine were how grey eyes were supposed to be. Boring, dull, the opposite of Sirius’.
I hated looking in his eyes. They reminded me of how Sirius would always be better than me. They reminded me how I could never be him.
“Reg I-”
“Don’t call me that,”
The words came out harsher than I intended but I didn't take them back. It was better for both of us if he thought I hated him. It’d be easier for him to move on with his life and be happy, which was all I wanted for him.
Sirius sighed, sitting down next to me, his shoulder brushing against mine.
“I’m sorry Regulus,” he whispered.
“Don’t be,” I muttered, “I saw it coming.”
“Regulus-”
“Please Sirius, just go,” I told him, turning my head to look at him. He looked me in my eyes and quickly turned his head away, “I wish this could end differently but here we are.”
Sirius opened his mouth then shook his head. He stood up and started to walk away when he stopped. He didn’t turn, just stood there, facing the door.
“I love you Regulus,”
I hated those words coming from him and how I wanted so desperately to say them back. But I couldn't. And maybe that was okay. Sirius had so many other people that would love him, that did love him.
So I settled for something I could say.
“I loved you to Sirius,”