“It’s been two months since he left. My brother, Sirius, I mean. He left in the winter of 1975, December. My world, everything I once knew has altered. I know why he left; I truly do. I don’t blame him, but if he had only taken me too. At least he said goodbye. I still have flashbacks to that night. I think about it all the time and how different it would be now if he had only taken me.”
“Sirius, why are you up?” I ask as I rub the sleep out of my eyes.
“Regulus…” he whispers. I look at him. He has his bags packed.
“Are you leaving? Right now?” I say eyes wide.
“You must understand Regulus. I can’t stay here, but I promise I’ll come back for you. Think of this as a see you later, not as a goodbye.”
“Okay. It’s okay. I understand.” I softly whisper. I give him a hug before I watch him walk down the stairs and out the front door.
“I love you.” But he didn’t hear it. Instead, it hung in the crisp air of the dark, haunted house.
“Of course, it was never okay, and I never did quite understand how he could leave me like that. If you’re wondering, no, he never did come back for me. It’s gotten worse every day since he’s been gone. Father is irritated, he gets worse day by day. Mother is becoming worse than Father these days. I don’t ever remember her being this bad and yet when I think of her without looking at her, I can only see the good times we had, and it pains me. I don’t see Sirius at school, so I guess he really did go to Potter’s house. The better brother's house. And if you can believe it, he already missed my fifteenth birthday last month.”
“Regulus!” I shut my journal and put my pen down as I hear my mother call my name.
“Coming Mother.” I walk down the stairs smelling my mother’s chicken dumplings. I go to the dining room and sit down at the table beside my father. Mother brings our plates to the table and sits down. I thank her as always, while my father starts talking.
“You know I heard at work today from Mulciber that Malfoy saw Sirius at the grocery store down in Middletown with that Potter boy and two other boys.” Father states. I look up from my plate, to see the empty seat across from me.
“I’m sure it was a mistake. If he ran away, he would’ve gone farther than Middletown.” Mother says confidently. I look at her, that’s when I see it. Her jaw clenched and the malicious look in her eyes. It's something that is always there when she talks about Sirius. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know what Sirius did, but Mother despises him. Maybe Mother fears the secret of her beating her children getting out.
“I don’t believe so, Walburga. We both know he’s not smart enough for that.” His mouth twisted. That was a lie I heard too often. Sirius had been at the top of all his classes. He made the principal's list every year, until he purposely started letting his grades slip to show rebelism against our parents and to get tutored by that Lupin boy that’s friends with Potter. They always put Sirius down, even when he’s not here. I’ve learned to not defend his honor in front of them or at least not in front of Mother.
I kept my head down for the rest of supper. I helped clean up like I usually did after supper. Helped mother with the dishes, wiped down the table, and swept the floor. I then grabbed my coat from the rack and walked out the back door. I walked over to the swingset that Sirius and I would always come out to when mother and father fought. It was the only place that provided solitary and peace for us. I remember we would come out here and just let our imagination run wild. We could do anything out here, because you couldn't hear us if you were in the house. So everyday we would come out here and just be ourselves.
“Sirius, do you remember coming out here and howling like dogs in the light of the moon? Holding our breath after 132? You would ask me why I wasn’t saying a word. It's because I was naming the stars in the sky after you.” I spoke looking at the moon as my eyes flooded with tears. “I wonder if you do the same. Go outside and speak to the moon or the stars from wherever you are staying,” I felt the tears run down my face.
“You know I still haven’t forgiven you for leaving. Maybe it's because you know I couldn’t leave. Mother and Father would want a child to take over the family business, and we both know you could have never run it. You were always more into the arts and history. Whereas I was practically a prodigy in mathematics and science, though I still did love the museums and classical music. I know you would always get mad that I was the perfect kid. Though your anger was never aimed at me.” I could taste the salt from my tears now.
“I-I’m sorry Sirius, I know I should have stood up for you but I never did. It's my fault you left, I know. You don’t have to come back for me. I deserve this. I deserve to be left here.” I sucked in breaths like they were my last. My chest was heaving, my fingers have gone numb. My hands are shaking, my throat feels like sandpaper. I felt lightheaded. I tried looking over to my side to grab the bar to get out of the swing, but it felt like I was looking through a fish lens. I feel as if I’m going insane. I’m grabbing at nothing, just air. I stand up from the swing and walk to the back door trying to see through the tears. Mother and Father should be in bed by now, they always go to bed after supper.
I yank the door open and stumble through the kitchen. I can't see where I’m going now. I’m staggering through the house and end up in the bathroom. Hot. I’m too hot. Am I overheating? Cold. I need cold. I sat on the bathroom tile. The cold tile. But it wasn't enough for me. I needed cold water. I sat in the bathtub, not bothering to take off my clothes, and turned the handle to the coldest setting. I hate when I get like this. Am I overreacting or being a baby? Am I allowed to be sad about him leaving? Mother would say “Yes, Regulus you are overreacting.” It only ever happens a couple times a month, but I still feel terrible when it gets to this point. Because I never know how I should feel. I am probably overreacting. I’m a fifteen year old boy crying over nothing. What would father say? What would the boys at school say? They’d make fun of me. Father would get mad and tell me to grow up and be a man. That’s it. I am overreacting.
“Regulus, get up and be a man. Men don’t cry.” I say wiping the tears from my face, getting out of the tub, and grabbing a towel to dry myself off.
I stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself. I don’t recognize the person standing there. Sunken, bloodshot dead-eyes, frown permanently on the face of this boy I don’t know. He looked thinner, he had longer, black, curly hair. He wasn’t me. I didn’t know where I was. Maybe I was trapped as a prisoner in my mind and this was a clone of me. I don’t know. I seem to not know a lot these days. I stop my train of thought before I go off the rails again. I brush my teeth, splash water on my face in hopes of seeing the person I was before. Without any recognition, I decide to hike up the stairs and head to my room. I turn off my bedside lamp and fall into bed pulling the covers over my head and go to sleep.
“Regulus!!!” I open my eyes to Mother screeching my name. The day I have been dreading all week is here. It's been exactly one year since Sirius left. Mother, of course, is gonna be dreadful today. Father probably doesn't even know what today is. He’s become more of a silent presence because he stays reserved in his office all day. But it's somehow gotten to him, he doesn’t get mad at me anymore. He asks me how my day is and then goes into his office, which I appreciate. That makes Mother furious, and she takes it out on me.
“I’m coming Mother!” I yell throwing on my usual clothes for the day. The clothes we have to wear around the house is another reason why he probably left. I always have to wear a suit and tie. Sirius wore the same thing, though he would most of the time wear a dress just to mess with Mother.
I march down the stairs and past the living room, through the kitchen, and into the dining room. Where I know Mother had already sat the plates out and her and Father were already eating.
“How are you son?” My Father asks. He takes a sip of his coffee while he's reading the newspaper.
“I’m good, how are you?” I ask as I sit down and put a napkin in my lap.
“Just great, I have to make tons of calls today for work and…” He rants on and on about his work. As he does every morning. I nod at him while I’m eating to at least show some manners and to show I’m listening. I then feel eyes glaring into the side of my head. I lift my head and look to my Mother’s side of the table to see her glaring at my Father and me. So I put my head down and continue eating. Father obviously did not care about her glaring and continued ranting.
“Orion, shut up about your work. I don’t want to hear it this morning.” I swear up and down I saw a muscle in her jaw twitch. Father looked over his newspaper at her. He got up out of his chair, folded his newspaper, and grabbed his coffee.
“You have a good day today, okay son?” As he walks past he ruffles my hair.
“I will and you too, Father.” I say back with a true smile. These past months he’s actually changed, he shows more affection to me, even though I only see him at breakfast and supper. I take what I can get.
“Get up and help me take these dishes to the sink.” Mother demands as she is still glaring at Father as he trudges out of the room. I help Mother with the dishes and we do the whole cleaning routine we do after every meal.
“Regulus. Come here.” I heard her say from the kitchen after I finished cleaning the dining room. I walk into the kitchen to see her drying her hands by the sink, I go over to her.
“Yes Mother?” I ask. I see her wave her hands motioning me to her. I walk closer not knowing what else to do. As I get into arms reach she pulls me into an embrace. I embrace her back. I stand there with my arms around her and realize this is the first time she's ever done this. But that's when I feel her start squeezing tighter and tighter, so much that it's starting to hurt, but I won’t say anything. I can’t. This is a hug! From my Mother! The first one ever! Maybe hugs are supposed to hurt. But I’ve hugged Sirius and his didn’t hurt. Maybe he was just being nice about it. Her arms are getting tighter around me. I can’t breathe. I'm gasping for air when she finally lets me go.
“Alright, go somewhere, get out of here.” She swats her hand at me as she struts out of the kitchen herself. I saunter out after her catching breath and head to my father’s office, well what used to be Sirius’s room. I knock on the door and wait for him to answer.
“Come in.” I hear his muffled voice through the door.
“Hey, can I borrow the Carrera to drive into town?” I ask watching him sort out the files on his desk.
“Yes, just don’t wreck it, I paid good money for that.” He spoke as he reached into his desk drawer and tossed me the keys.
“Thank you.” I say beaming.
“Mhm.” He mumbles and waves me off.
I jog down the stairs and out the front door. I open the garage door and stare at the yellow and black 1973 Porsche 911 Carrera RS 2.7. She truly was beautiful. She was one of the only cars Father kept here. He keeps the others in a ‘car bank’ in New York. My two favorite cars of his is the orange 1969 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1 and his white 1957 Ford Thunderbird D/F-Code. I’ve already named them both too. The Camaro is Tangerine and the Thunderbird is Wheezy, because sometimes the engine messes up and it sounds like it's wheezing. It's crazy. I’ve convinced Father to pass the Thunderbird to me when I turn eighteen, I’m still working on convincing him about the Camaro.
I walk up to the car, start it, and pull out of the driveway and get onto the road. I roll down the windows and start tuning the radio to a station I like. I’m flipping through when I hear a person introducing the next song about to play.
“Since it's December we've decided to put together a list of the top 100 songs of this year, 1976. Our last song was “Walk Away from Love” by David Ruffin which placed 88 on the list! Next up we got “The Boys Are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzy. Enjoy!”
“Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away. Haven't changed, had much to say.” The radio played.
“But man, I still think them cats are crazy. They were askin' if you were around,” I sang with the radio. “The boys are back in town!!!! (the boys are back in town!!!)” I continue singing with the radio and nodding my head until I pull up to the roller skating rink to meet up with my friends, Evan and Pandora.
Evan, Pandora and I skated and talked all day until about 4 pm, when I told them I had to go. I got back to the house at 5. I pull the Carrera into the garage and head inside. I march up the stairs and knock on my father’s office door.
“Come in.” He says.
“Here’s the keys. No scratches, no dents.” I smile at him. He looks at me and then looks back to his papers.
“Thank you. Makes me feel better about you taking the Camaro.” I couldn't see him but I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Are you serious? You’re joking.” My jaw dropped. He shakes his head. “Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.”
“I think I do. You’ve been asking me about the car since you were six years old. You probably didn’t know it but I was always gonna give it to you, and I know I talked down on your brother a lot. I do regret it. Spending this much time away from your mother during the day made me realize I wasn’t the best father for you or Sirius. I apologize for that.” He pauses and I notice the slight glimmer in his eyes. “I didn't have the best father growing up and I feel it rubbed on to me and how I raised you two. The time I've had to myself here has helped me see that. As I said before, yes I was always going to give you the Camaro and your brother the Carrera. That’s why I put it into the garage after his seventeenth birthday. So he could practice driving it and then give it to him on her eighteenth birthday. But he never did get it. Did he?” He asked as he rubbed his eye.
“No. I guess he didn’t.” I say looking at my Father.
“Here. Keep these.” He tosses the Carrera keys. “If one of us ever sees him again, it will be you. I want you to give it to him. You don’t have to say it's from me. He probably wouldn't take it.”
“I will.” I respond with a sad smile and go to walk out. As I’m halfway out the door I hear Father call me back.
“Son!” I turn around to look at him and he just stares at me for what feels like forever. “I love you, Regulus. Don’t you forget that.” A genuine smile on his face. One I haven't seen for years.
“I love you too,” I stop, “Dad.” I turn away and shut the door. I continue down the hall into my room. I turn on my overhead chandelier that's above my bed and lay down until 8 pm. I then start looking in my wardrobe for clothes for supper. I changed into the usual suit and tie and headed down to the dining room. I make it to the table to see Mother and Father already waiting for me. I sit down and we start eating. We eat in silence until Mother speaks up.
“I think it's about time we sold the swings out back.” She says, staring at Father. He turns towards me but I’m staring at Mother with wide eyes and my jaw has gone slack.
“What? No! Why would we sell them?” I yell at her.
“Nobody uses them. They were only here for your brother. It's not like you go out there and play on them.” I swear I saw her lip turn up when she said that.
“You know good and well I use them!” I stand up and start pointing my finger at her, “I go out there practically every day!”
“Well you’re too old for them! You don’t need them! There are other kids who need them more.”
“OH isn’t that just like you! You couldn’t care less about those kids!” Hatred burning in my eyes.
“I do care about those kids! Why do you think I donated to the YMCA?!?” She's standing up now. She hated when people questioned her values.
“No you don’t!! You only donate to them to keep the good name of this family. That's the only reason why! So let me tell you this Mother! YOU DESTROYED OUR GOOD NAME YEARS AGO WHEN YOU STARTED BEATING US!!” I got up in her face and screamed.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. YOU SOUND JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER! YOU DO KNOW HE LEFT BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!” She snarled.
My face is hot. Red hot. I can hear my heart pounding in my chest. My ears are burning.
“TAKE HIS NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!” I yell at her before slamming my chair into the table and taking off up the stairs.
“He has always been more dramatic than Sirius hasn’t he?” I hear her ask Father.
“Good god Walburga. Why do you always have to do this? Can’t you just be more accepting of him?” Father says exasperated.
“Are you seriously taking his side, Orion?” She says unbelievably to Father. I stopped listening then, they continued fighting even as I was in my room. I decided to do my night routine and get into bed. I ended up falling asleep to the thought about Mother selling the swings.
I woke up to the house being eerily silent. Usually at this time, Mother was up clinging pots and pans together cooking, and you could smell it too. But I heard nothing. I smelt nothing. It wasn’t normal. I decided to get up, still in pajamas, and quietly made my way down the hall and stairs. I get stopped halfway down the steps by Father.
“Father, what is it?” I ask confused.
“Regulus- there's a–” He was interrupted by the ring of our doorbell.
“Madison Police Department, open up!” I heard. Were they taking my father away, did he do something? Where was Mother?
Father took off to the door and immediately opened it.
“Yes, officers please come in.” Now that he was no longer blocking my view, that's when I saw it. Blood everywhere. It painted the floor, the walls, the ceiling. Whatever was in proximity was painted in blood splatters. That's the first thing I noticed. The second thing was the body.
My Mother’s body. She had been mangled. I could barely recognize her. Her right arm had been twisted in ways I didn’t even know were possible. Her left one was like a zigzag pattern. I was gonna throw up. Her legs. God her legs. They were the worst. They were slashed and I could not tell if blood was still coming out of them or not. Dried or not there was blood. Lots of it. Her throat had been slit. Her eyes, there was no way to describe them. They were not in her eye sockets, oh no. They were laying perfectly right beside her head. But yet her hair was perfectly intact just like her dress. Her appearance was still as perfect as it had ever been. I couldn’t handle it anymore. All I saw was red and her eyes staring into my soul. Blood everywhere I looked. I vomited right on the stairs. Luckily, a drop didn't get on me. But an officer was now walking towards me. Wanting to talk to me.
“You must be the son. Regulus Black?” He asked.
“Uh- Ye-yes. Sorry I-” I stammered
“I understand. This is a rough sight to see. Let’s walk outside. My name is Detective Hawthorne and that's my partner talking to your dad, that's Detective Pierce.” As we walked out he shielded my view and guided me out the door with a hand on my back.
“I want to get right to the questions with you. You seem like a direct person. So when was the last time you saw your Mother?” He lifted an eyebrow.
“Last night around maybe 8:30 pm. We were having supper and we got into an argument about the swingset out back. She talked about selling it and I told her I still used it.” I said not wanting to hold back. I was always told to give my full honesty to the authorities unless it was something that could affect my reputation. The family’s reputation.
“That isn't something that you would kill her over?” He asked.
“Kill!?! My god no! She was a horrible mother. Beat the shit out of her children, did I sometimes wish harm on her? Yes, all the time but I would never kill my Mother.”
“Alright, do you know anyone who may have wanted to do this? Maybe your dad?”
“Father? No. They did argue but he would never go that far. No matter what she did to him he would always love her.” I replied with honesty.
“Okay. Thank you. You can sit out here and wait for your father so you don't have to go back in there.” He says sympathy is clear in his voice. I nod my head at him and sit on the front porch swing waiting for Father. I look out towards the street at the cars passing by. A red one, a blue one.
Two months. It’s been two months since the death of my Mother. They’ve decided to close the case. They found no evidence, no leads, and no suspects as far as I know. I’m quite glad she's not getting justice. She doesn't deserve it. Father has retired from the family company, he passed it to me this past month when I turned sixteen. I also got the thunderbird, Father said I couldn't get the Camaro until I was eighteen so I’m happy with small steps for right now. But anyways I decided to stop by the police department to drop off donuts for them. For working as hard as they could on my Mothers case. I was walking out when I heard Detetive Hawthorne shout for me.
“Kid!” I turned around as my eyes landed on Detective Hawthorne running across the parking lot to me.
“Yes?” I squint from the sun beaming down.
“Did the other cops ever tell you about the note that was found?” He asked, glancing down at me. I lifted an eyebrow signaling for him to go on.
“They found a note that had been from a typewriter by your Mothers body.”
“No… What did it say?” I ask.
“There was never here” does that mean anything to you?” he questions.
“No. I’m sorry to cut this short but I do have to get going. My Father has been requesting my presence all day.” I say emotionless. I turn away and walk to my car. He knew I was lying. I could tell. That phrase has been echoing in my mind for a year now. It's the one thing that Sirius said to me after Mother once again brought up the question, “Where is here?”
Bonus ending paragraph that didn't make it -
The past, the present, and the future were intricately connected, linked by the shared moments of despair, pain, curiosity, and the timeless question - “Where is here?” It would continue on for generations whether they wanted it to or not. The question that was seen as a plague to the Black siblings, but seen as an intriguing psychological question to anyone else.