Chapter 3
Regulus received a note from Sirius asking him to meet in the library. Apparently, Sirius had found something interesting he wanted to share.
Sirius’s great discovery turned out to be an ancient-looking book. It looked as if it would fall apart if Regulus turned the pages. Sirius flipped open the book and pointed at the page.
“Look at this!”
Regulus scanned the page that had Sirius so excited. It was some sort of removal spell. But not a regular removal spell, it seemed to have been designed specifically for your body. Why would anyone make a spell like that?
Before Regulus could respond, Sirius showed him another book. They found hair-cutting spells, shrinking and growing spells, and other ways one might change their appearance with magic. They were all created to be used on oneself. None of them were spells Regulus recognized. They couldn't be that great if they didn't even bother to teach them in school.
“Isn't this cool?” Sirius asked. “Maybe there have been other wizards like you.”
Regulus was elated at that suggestion. If there were other people like him then maybe he could use some of these spells to help him. He also felt great comfort at the thought that he wasn't the only person like this in the world.
“Are these spells alright to use?” Regulus asked. “How come we've never heard of them?”
“Who knows? But there's no reason we shouldn't try them out, yeah?”
Regulus nodded his head hesitantly. He didn't want to get in trouble or try a potentially harmful spell on himself. But one particular spell was catching his eye, and it would solve his annoying new problem.
“Should we test one out first?” Regulus asked.
“Sure, but if they're designed for your body, how are we supposed to test them?”
Regulus shrugged. He didn't want to test a random spell on his own body. What if he exploded or something?
Sirius tested one of the shrinking spells on his tie. It worked perfectly fine. He looked at Regulus, fully convinced this would work. Regulus did want to try one. He wondered if the first spell could rid him of the bumps on his chest.
“Can we try this one?” he asked Sirius, gesturing toward the book. Sirius read through the workings of the spell.
“Yeah, sure,” Sirius agreed.
They gathered their books and left the library. They went to the abandoned girls’ lavatory so they could do their work in peace.
Regulus pulled off his sweater and undid his shirt. He carefully pulled the bandages off his chest. He'd figured out some better ways to wrap them that wouldn't restrict his breathing as much. Sirius helped him peel them off.
“Ready?” Sirius asked.
Regulus nodded. He shut his eyes as Sirius said the spell. Nothing happened. He opened his eyes to stare down at his chest.
“It didn't do anything,” he said.
Sirius furrowed his brow, contemplating what he had done wrong. He tapped his wand on his chin thoughtfully. “Let me try again,” he said.
Regulus let him do the spell again. This time something did happen. It didn't hurt. Regulus didn't even realize what was happening until he heard Sirius scream. Regulus opened his eyes, and his hand flew to his chest. He pulled it away and saw his hand was covered in blood.
Sirius was by his side in an instant. He was muttering apologies and other things, but Regulus wasn't paying attention. He wiped at his chest, his hands reddening with his own blood.
“Sirius,” he managed to get out. He didn't know what he was trying to say. He didn't know what to do. Next thing he knew, Sirius was dragging him through the hall to the hospital wing. Regulus really needed to stop going there.
He wasn't sure if he passed out or not. Everything around him was hazy. He could hear voices, but he had no idea what was happening.
When he finally came to his senses, he saw Sirius sitting on the bed beside him. He was rubbing a cool cream on Regulus’s chest. When he noticed Regulus was awake, he began apologizing profusely.
“I'm so sorry, Reggie,” he said. “I didn't know that would happen.”
“Are you not supposed to be the precocious, talented Sirius Black?” Regulus asked, his words thick with sarcasm.
“At least your chest is flat,” Sirius said.
“It is?” Regulus looked down at his chest, pressing his palms flat against it. It was flat. Maybe that was how that spell was supposed to work. He now had two long, pink scars beneath his chest, but he could live with that.
Regulus adored his new flat chest. He spent far too much time staring at himself in the mirror, turning to the side, and smoothing his hands down his chest. Sometimes Barty and Evan caught him doing this. They just gave him weird looks and moved on.
~~~
Regulus’s third year was going reasonably well so far. He was getting perfect marks, he was the star seeker on the Quidditch team, and he had days where he felt comfortable in his body. He also had many days where he wanted to rip his own skin off, but he didn't like to dwell on those.
He didn't need Sirius’s help anymore, so they rarely spoke. Regulus would rather be sentenced to Azkaban before he admitted it, but he missed being around his brother. He had his friends, though, so there was that at least. And he still saw him during the summers.
Regulus never thought about whether or not anyone else knew his secret. He used to be worried about that, but no one ever gave him a reason to think they knew.
It was almost the end of the school year, and Regulus wasn't looking forward to heading home for the summer break. He felt so good being able to be himself at school, but that was always ruined when he had to go home. At least it was only two months.
Regulus was sitting in the courtyard reading and trying not to think about his impending doom. He heard a group of boys yelling near him and tried his best to ignore them. Why were some people so obnoxious? He was clearly trying to read here.
To his surprise, the boys approached him. There were three of them kneeling in front of him. Two of them were Gryffindor, and one was Ravenclaw.
“Hey, pretty boy,” one of them greeted. Who were these guys, and why were they speaking to him?
“Pardon me?”
The boys laughed at Regulus as if he were the funniest thing in the world. One of them grabbed his hand, kissing it. He drew back sharply. He felt extremely uncomfortable.
Another boy raked his hand through Reg’s hair, his fingers getting caught in the curls. He yanked himself free, and Regulus ignored the pain in his scalp.
“How would you like to go out with me?” one boy asked. That sent the boys into a fit of laughter.
One of them gripped Regulus’s jaw, turning his face to him. “You're too pretty for a boy,” he said. Then to his mates, “He looks enough like a girl that maybe you could pretend.”
Regulus felt like he was going to be sick. The boy’s laughter rang through the air again.
“What do you say, baby? You wanna have some fun?”
“He doesn't say much,” one boy chuckled.
The one sitting in front of him grabbed his book, tossing it aside. He spread Reg’s legs open so he could crawl between them. He brought his face close to Regulus’s and grinned wickedly. Regulus could feel his breath on him. He made a move for his wand but the other boy grabbed his hand.
He didn't know what had happened, but suddenly the boys stopped. He heard noises from the courtyard around them, and the boys scampered away, leaving him alone in his distress. They must've been afraid of getting caught. He saw students running past, taking no notice of him.
He stood up quickly, brushing himself off and straightening his shirt. He grabbed his book off the ground and speedily made his way to the dorms.
He tucked himself into his bed and pulled the covers over his head, hiding his misery from the rest of the world. Of course, two persistent nuisances could never let him rot in peace.
He felt the mattress dip on both sides. “Regulus?” He heard Evan ask. “What are you doing, mate?”
“None of your business!” Regulus’s voice came out muffled from beneath the blanket. He would've come out to yell at them, but he'd already been crying, and he didn't want them to see his tear-stained cheeks.
“Alright, mate,” Barty said dismissively. They got off the bed, and Regulus heard them leave the room. Usually, they were more persistent than that, but Regulus wasn't complaining.
Regulus didn't know how long he'd been wallowing in his sorrow. He was pretty sure he'd fallen asleep, but he was too dazed to tell. It was confirmed when he pulled the covers off himself and found a muffin on his nightstand.
He felt slightly ill. He wanted Sirius, but there was no way he was going to him like this. That would be so embarrassing. He had no time to decide what to do because Evan opened the door and peeked his head into the room.
“Oh, Reg, you're up.” Evan came into the room followed by Barty, Pandora, and Dorcas. They all joined Regulus on the bed.
“I have something for you,” Pandora said. She took his hand and dropped three small crystals in his palm. He gave her a confused look. She explained to him the different healing properties each crystal possessed.
“I don't need these,” he said. He probably did, but he didn't want his friends to know that.
Pandora closed his fingers around the stones. “You don't have to use them,” she said. “But you can keep them.”
Regulus clutched the crystals tightly in his hand. He would just hold on to them for her. It's not like he even knew what to do with them.
Regulus kind of wanted to tell his friends what had happened, but he also didn't want them to know. He didn't see any point in telling them anyway. He didn't care about what had happened. It's not like he wasn't used to feeling like a freak or hearing those awful things. They hadn't made him feel anything he hadn't already felt.
But it wasn't just about those guys. It was about Regulus himself. It was about this humiliation sinking deep inside his bones. It was about feeling like his skin was stretched over the body of a stranger who didn't want him there. It was about hiding from his friends like he had some sort of shameful, outrageous secret.
So Regulus told them. He told them about how he'd been born in the wrong body and the things he'd done to change it. They listened intently as he told them the story. When he was finished, they were all smiling.
“What?” he asked.
“Thanks for telling us,” Pandora said at the same time Evan said, “We knew that.” Pandora elbowed him in the ribs.
“What? How did you know?”
Evan hesitated to speak, nervously eyeing his sister. Barty spoke up instead.
“We just kind of did,” he admitted. “We didn't really think about it that much.”
Why did everybody know? Was it just clear as day to everyone? Regulus couldn't believe he'd revealed his deepest, most haunting secret just to find out it was already common knowledge.
Regulus’s thoughts were interrupted by Barty pulling him into a tight hug. The others followed him, squishing Regulus between the four of them.
“Okay, that's enough.” Regulus wriggled out of the group hug.
Dorcas kept her arm around his shoulders. “We won't say anything, by the way,” she said.
Regulus was grateful for how understanding his friends were. He must've been a really great guy in a past life cause he didn't see how else he was deserving of such wonderful people. Even if they were all annoying little dickheads.
~~~
The summer before Regulus’s fourth year, he received a gift from Sirius. A gift that had been acquired with the help of an estranged uncle.
Sirius had researched taking hormone supplements. He wanted to know what to expect and proper care before Regulus started taking anything. He'd even found a book full of helpful information about being transgender.
Sirius also gifted him a handmade beaded bracelet that said ‘trans’ on it. Well, that's what it was supposed to say. Sirius had accidentally made it backward and spelled ‘snart’. Regulus wore it anyway.
Sirius helped Regulus with his supplements. They sat on Reg’s bed together, and Sirius administered his first shot. Regulus felt nervous, but he was beyond excited.
“What's supposed to happen?” Regulus asked.
“Nothing yet. It'll happen gradually,” Sirius explained.
It did happen gradually. Regulus kept a close eye out, waiting for something to change. At first, he didn't recognize the changes. It was months later that he noticed what was happening.
His skin became less soft and more oily. He sweats more and was starting to smell worse. His hips and face lost their pudge, but that could just be him growing up. He had a naturally sharp jawline, but it became more prominent, to him at least.
His favorite change was his voice. It hadn't gotten that much deeper, but there was a noticeable change. Sometimes, when he was alone, Regulus would practice his boy voice.
He didn't develop any hair on his face or chest, which he was bummed about. But Sirius didn't have any either, so maybe that was just a genetic issue.
He also experienced an uncomfortable change down there. That was called bottom growth, he'd read. It hurt quite a bit, but it was a very cool change. His book suggested he touch himself to get used to it. He did not enjoy that feeling.
His menstruation became lighter and didn't last as long. That was something he could definitely get used to. He wondered if it would ever stop completely.
Nobody at school treated Regulus any differently than they had before. He wasn't the noble daughter of the Black family. He was Regulus, Mr. Black, Sirius’s little brother, or just Reg. Depending on who you asked.
That year, he'd also discovered that he was asexual. That was an interesting endeavor, indeed. Regulus worried that something that had happened to his body might've broken his sex workings. He had a lot of questions about that, even after being told asexuality was completely normal.
He also may have developed a teeny, little, totally not a problem, completely under control crush on James Potter. Which would have been fine if he didn’t also happen to be his older brother’s best friend.
Regulus did his best to keep his gooey feelings on the inside, but James had decided to make that increasingly harder. With some absurd power that James possessed he'd somehow managed to make Regulus his boyfriend.
Regulus really liked being a boyfriend. And he possibly, but not really, just slightly liked James. Okay, he really, really liked James, but no one needed to know the details.
Being with James also meant being around Sirius more. It was weird at first, especially with him and James pretending they had become friends when they were already dating. But Regulus had missed his brother, and he was glad he got this time, even if it was incredibly awkward. He also got quite close with Remus.
James had invited Regulus to spend the summer at his home. That was easily the best summer of Regulus’s life. His boyfriend was perfect and gorgeous and warm, like a soft, fresh biscuit and a cup of tea in the sunny garden. His brother was a menace, but Regulus didn't mind being closer to him. And Remus and Peter were good friends.
Sometimes, Regulus found himself feeling jealous of James. Jealous of his toned body, broad shoulders, and muscular back. Of his large, rough hand holding his own soft, delicate one. Regulus wished his body was a bit more like James's, with well-defined biceps and hair trailing down his abdomen. Regulus didn't let James know about all that.
Sirius eventually found out about Regulus and James's relationship, and he didn't exactly take the news well. Regulus didn't care. He was happy he could hold it over Sirius’s head that he'd gotten a boyfriend first.
Regulus took it pretty hard when he and James broke up. He really liked him, but Regulus had too many problems in his own life that James didn't deserve to deal with. Not to mention there were certain expectations of a noble Black. He put on a brave face in front of everyone else, of course, but in reality, he was reeling with the fact that he'd just lost the most caring, inviting, affectionate person he'd ever had the privilege of knowing.
For a second, he almost believed he was in love with James. He wondered if James had ever really been in love with him. Maybe he was once, but he'd probably get over it. It didn't go unnoticed by Regulus how easy it was for people to leave him. James and Sirius, the two people he had foolishly hoped would be around forever, had left him easily. Technically James hadn't left, but he didn't seem overly distraught at the matter.
Nothing Regulus did mattered, it wasn't enough to make someone stay. Nothing mattered anymore. It was his fault, sure, but the fact remained. He’d lost James. He lost midnight tea and stargazing in the garden with Sirius. He lost curling up in a cozy jumper and reading all day with Remus. He'd lost Peter sharing the photos he'd taken of them and painting recreations. He'd lost late nights, lengthy breakfasts, and pointless bickering.
After a good while of moping, Regulus realized that he hadn't actually lost his best friends. He had lost people who didn't really even care for him. His real friends were right there with him.
The two goofy boys who couldn't stop fonding over each other. The girl who had a crystal and an affirming word for every situation. And the girl who smiled like sunshine, and fiercely protected the people she cared about. This was his family. This was home.