“ They say all dreams come true, they forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too.”
Hogwarts has always felt safe for Sirius, an escape from a place other people called home, but Hogwarts was his true home, a safeplace. However, things can change just in seconds, just in a tiny tiny moment– Everything could go to hell, you can never truly predict what will happen in the near future.
Life is a gamble and sometimes you get the bad hand and lose the game. Might get a bad fortune from a fortune cookie, see a black cat, like a bad omen.
Sirius has had many bad omens in his life, the family he was born into, the parents, his fiery temperament, his way of not thinking things through, doing stupid shit that ends up him losing his friends, not being enough and getting disowned etcetera etcetera..
So what was one more, his life was already a running sad soap opera.
This bad omen though ,turned out to be their new muggle studies teacher, who looked a bit too long, got too close for comfort, just something was off about him, at least Sirius could see it.
After all he has had his fair share of rotten people, who acted normal on the outside, but changed entirely to a different person behind closed doors. The thing was, he did not know what was off, so he didn't tell anyone about his gut feeling and that might as well have been the first mistake he made. The second was going somewhere at night alone, it never ended up too well for him.
Sirius
Walking down the quiet halls of Hogwarts, Sirius was roaming the halls for a quiet place to stay for the night and maybe get some needed rest. The other marauders were still ignoring Sirius entirely, even after starting the 6th year, so it didn’t feel right to sleep in their shared room and the common room didn’t exactly seem the best place to sleep either.
Furthermore, here he was wandering around and hoping not to get caught by anyone, it would have been bloody easier if he had the marauder's map with him. However, he had lost the right to carry the map when he…had fucked everything up.
Sirius did not like to think about it, the look on Moony’s face said it all when he had found out just how greatly Sirius had actually fucked up. How fucking stupid he could be.
And the words Remus had shouted at him still felt raw, words felt more like weapons. Like someone was physically stabbing him and twisting the knife. Ripping everything apart and leaving nothing else than endless shame.
“ How could you do this to me, you tried so hard not to be like them and then you do this! Maybe you should have gotten sorted into slytherin, just like the rest of your family.”
Remus had screamed at him while looking beet red by anger and a slip of betrayal behind it.
What Sirius didn’t anticipate was James' silent treatment, he thought he would yell at him too, shout, even punch him, if he felt like it, something, anything.
But not this.
This was a hundred times worse, James looked at him with this blank face like he finally had had enough of his bullshit. Just ignored him like he didn’t exist at all. Treated him like a ghost, but even the real ghosts were not ignored.
Just like his mother treated-
“Who’s there?”
Fuck, fuck, fuck..that sounded like a teacher, Sirius was not looking forward getting detention on his first week back at hogwards. But oh well he couldn’t exactly hide or run anywhere, because the person to that voice had just seen Sirius.
“Oh, Mister Black, what might you be up to this time of the night huh?”
Asked the new muggle studies teacher Professor Kesle. For a Professor he seemed quite young, maybe in his early thirties even. He was carrying lots of books, probably something to do with muggle studies.
Sirius tried to smile, trying to smooth talk his way out of detention, maybe the new teacher would let it go as it was only the fourth day back at school.
“as it is the first week back, could you maybe let this slip, just this once! I will- i will do anything just give me some extra work to do. This will not happen again I swear!”
Sirius tried his hardest to look innocent, maybe the new Professor hadn’t heard the rumors of the marauders yet. And would see how desperately Sirius did not want detection.
Professor Kesle looked a bit amused by Sirius’ ramble, so Sirius was sure he would be going to detention once again, but then something changed in his face and he replayed instead;
“Well Mr. Black just this once okay, but you have to help me take these books first to my classroom and then..I might overlook this, but only this time!” he smiled at Sirius.
But something in the Professor’s eyes made Sirius a bit uneasy, not being able to point out what exactly, but he really didn’t want detention, so he decided if he could avoid detention this way so be it! And just helping carry some books didn’t seem that hard either so Sirius accepted the offer.. feeling maybe he should have not.
Kesle was already dropping some books onto Sirius’ hands and hurrying him, so no use to decline now.
They walked carrying the books in silence, Sirius actually preferred it that way, he didn't necessarily want to talk to the teacher, he just wanted to get this over with, but when they arrived at the classroom something changed in the atmosphere.
Sirius had just put down the books on the table when he had heard it.
“Click”
Just a single click when a door locks.
A sound so familiar, he thought for a moment he was back there , where his mother would lock his door for days, days that would feel like eternity.
Sirius turned slowly around to look at the door and see if he had just misheard it. Thinking his ears had just deceived him, mind playing tricks.
However, he found Professor Kesle leaning against the door and looking at Sirius again with that look in his eyes-
Sirius knew something was wrong, he could feel it in his bones. It felt similar to when Walburga was about to just snap and you never knew what she would do next.
But there was something different to it, something more sinister. The look reminded him a bit like that one time:
“ Walking down the muggle streets alone at night wasn’t probably the safest choice,but where was he supposed to go. Walburga had found out the only secret Sirius tried to keep hidden desperately and now it was all in the open. Walburga had forcefully taken a look into Sirius’s mind and well no hiding now. All the cruelty and name calling in every possible way she could make Sirius feel disgusted with himself had broken something in him. So he just left the mansion without even thinking about where he was supposed to go.
Automatically he had thought about James and his parents, but did he really have any right to go there anymore after the- no he couldn’t go there and Remus and Peter were out of the question. Maybe he could reach Andromeda and could stay at her place for a while…so he kept walking. He knew a place where she had a friend working on a store for emergencies and could maybe get in touch with his cousin that way. But it was a long way to go and Sirius was getting exhausted.
So he took a shortcut from an alleyway because he was starting to get too tired of walking and being awake too long. He did not notice someone talking to him. It was a middle aged muggle man, who reeked of booze.
“Sorry, what?” Sirius asked tiredly
“How much?” The stranger asked, moving closer to him.
Sirius looked at him confused. How much, of what? What was he talking about? Sirius had no fucking clue. He was too tired for this.
“How much for you know” the stranger just shook his wrist up and down while he said it.
Sirius was lost, was this stranger alright? Sirius was starting to get annoyed. And so was the stranger.
“How much for a blowie?” The stranger asked impatiently, trying to grab him by the shoulder.
Sirius quickly avoided it and almost yelled; “Excuse me?!” What the actual bloody hell. Why was he- why would he ask-
“Aren’t you a hooker, I got money so don’t worry.” The man grabbed his wallet and was about to hand him some for proof. When Sirius just stared at the money confused, the man pulled the money out and grabbed Sirius by his hair “cmon sweetheart, i will pay you good” the man told him and tried to get Sirius to his knees.
Before he could though, Sirius panically yelled the word “No” and got away from the man's hands and started speed walking far away from that part of the town. He could hear how the man had shouted something, Sirius could only pick the word whore out of the mumble of words.
After that he had luckily found the right place and got in touch with his cousin in the morning. His cousin said he was lucky he didn’t get robbed or something worse hadn’t happened, because Sirius had taken a route in a very bad part of the london.
Sirius was about to tell Professor Kesle that he is in fact done so he should get going.
Because for some reason this started to feel a bit like in that alleyway, but he didn’t get the chance to express his discomfort. Because Professor Kesle spoke before he could mutter a word.
“You know Black i’m a bit curious about some rumors going around.”
He was moving slowly closer to Sirius and Sirius took a step back but was hit by the desk behind him.
“You have quite the rumors going around about you, didn’t know a student could be this wild .
Kesle had said the last word strangely and the atmosphere was slowly turning suffocating and Sirius did not like the dark look on Professor Kesle’s eyes. It gave him the chills. Like he was looking at a prey and Sirius was “it”.
Sirius hadn’t noticed his body freezing completely still, he had stopped breathing, lungs screaming at him to breathe, heart beating like it was about to burst like a balloon. He tried his best to get the words out of his mouth, it came out a stuttering mess.
“ I- I should -it’s getting late.”
He was about to move and leave, but he had been stopped by the Professor.
“A a aa. Not just yet” the Professor said slyly. “Just a couple of questions I am curious about.” Kesle assured.
Sirius was just staring at him, he didn’t know what else to do. Hogwarts was safe right. Yes, Hogwarts is safe. He is just overthinking this because of that strange man at the alleyway.
So he let Kesle speak and ask his stupid bloody questions. He was just expecting some dumb rumors bullshit that he could just deny and be done with. Most of the rumors weren’t true anyways!
“So is it true you got disowned over the summer?”
Sirius was a bit surprised by the question, because Sirius was pretty sure everyone must have already known about it. The slytherins weren’t hiding it, no they were publicly announcing how he had gotten disowned during summer and what a stain he was to the Blacks, of course not knowing the whole truth.
So he didn’t expect anyone to ask about it directly, no one had before – but the next thing the teacher asked Sirius, made him do a double take, “what” Sirius had to ask him to repeat the question because he wasn’t sure he had heard it right. There was no way he had heard correctly.
“Because you fancy men perhaps?”
Sirius was now staring wide eyed. Where would he have heard that? No one knew except his family and he was sure they would not tell a soul, wouldn’t want to get their “perfect” reputation any more stained, more dirty because of him.
“I saw someone that looked just like you in that part of town. Where sex workers, druggies and fags hang out and i saw you talking to a regular there. So you wanna tell me what you were doing there?”
Sirius couldn’t help but flinch a bit when he heard the world fag. It reminded him all the times his mother had called him variations of it.
“That’s a misunderstanding!” Sirius said loudly and panicked. That bloody alley, he should have never gone that way and why had the teacher been there anyway ?
“Oh really? So you weren’t there then?” The teacher raised an eyebrow.
“No i was but-“ fuck why did he say that. He could have just said that it was someone else and not him. Wrong person and be done with this.
“So you were there, but what, just passing by?” the teacher asked amused.
Yes exactly!! “yes that’s right”
Sirius hadn’t noticed this, but his wand wasn’t in his pocket anymore . It was on- it was on Professor Kesle’s hand. When had he- when had he gotten so close to Sirius.
“Why don’t i believe you” Kesle’s hand was moving on his shoulder to push him on the table more.
“I won’t tell anyone that you were whoring yourself, if you do something for me. It can be our little secret alright.” Kesle’s hand was yanking Sirius hair so he had to turn his head up. And the bastard whispered in his ear darkly.
“Be a good boy for me, you can do that much right?”
Taken aback, Sirius tried to push him, but without his wand he felt powerless, weak and the other man was physically stronger.. so it was impossible.
He could feel hands everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Pushing him down and yanking him around and- and
All Sirius could do was to freeze, give up. Like he wasn’t here, here he didn’t exist at all. Just a bad dream, he will wake up eventually.
But it wasn’t a dream, this was all real, he started to feel tears building up in his eyes and he could feel how nausea slowly took over. He felt sick to his stomach. He begged him to stop, promising that he wouldn’t tell anyone but it wasn’t any use. Nothing was.
No
Stop
Please
I
After he was done with Sirius, he just said “no one will believe you so don’t even bother”
And Sirius was out, he was on autopilot just walking anywhere. Anywhere else than there.
What Sirius had not realized- he had walked straight to their dorm room.
He managed to close the door quietly and then his legs gave out. He was on the floor backing to the door and trying to breathe- just breathe idiot- in and out. In and out.
It didn’t work, it was too hard, too many thoughts and feelings going around in his head, too many, just too much! Everything seemed too much all of the sudden. The panic was slowly consuming him and then oh god-
Fucking hell, he only now noticed there was light coming under the bathroom door. Someone was there and the sound of it, they were also done flushing and washing their hands.
Sirius begged- begged it for not being moony. He could not deal with it right now.
The door opened and the person stood there shocked to see Sirius on the floor, surrounded by darkness.
“What- Sirius, why are you here? Are you okay?”
Peter stood there looking extremely confused, but fast noticed the state Sirius was in. “What's wrong?” Peter tried again.
Sirius laughed at that, because what wasn't wrong. In the end, it came out more like a sob and his breathing was only worsening.
“Hey! Just breath, breath in and out slowly.” Peter kneeled down cautiously breathing with him.
Sirius was now panicking, he didn’t want Peter to see him like this. Why in Merlin's name had he come here of all the places he would have gone– but in that tiny moment, nowhere seemed as safe as here..because he still trusted them, even if they didn’t trust him anymore.
“Sirius, listen to my voice, okay, you’re gonna be fine. Just try to breathe for now.” Peter worriedly said.
It was working bit by bit, Sirius listening to Peter trying to calm him down and blabbering random things about herbology, his summer and school work, trying to get Sirius’ attention to somewhere, anywhere else for a moment.
It had been long since Sirius last heard someone talking to him so kindly and calmly except for Andromeda, that it had slowly calmed him down. His breathing was now getting more even. Taking a really deep breath, Sirius muttered. “Thank you.”
Peter looked at Sirius like he had just insulted his whole family.
Oh
the realization hit him.
That might have been the first time Sirius had actually ever thanked Peter for anything. Now Sirius felt insanely guilty about how he had treated Peter before, he should have been more kinder and caring. Basic fucking human decency, but no.
Another thing he clearly fucked up, nothing new really, he seemingly seemed really good at fucking things up that mattered.
“Are- what happened?” Peter asked, sounding unsure about this whole situation.
“Nothing” he whispered, looking anywhere except Peter. “Nothing at all, I just..” he didn’t know what he was going to say, so he stopped and stayed silent.
“Sirius you are shaking, something must have happened!”
Fuck… Peter was right, he was shaking, had he been shaking this whole time?
“Sirius”
“Shhh. I don’t want to wake the others.”
Sirius hushed. “I’m- I am okay alright , I’m gonna just-“
He had turned to leave and open the door, but his hand stopped for the handle. Where was he supposed to go? Was it safe out there? What if Professor- he was still out there. What if.
Peter must have sensed how conflicted Sirius was about leaving. “You could stay here, it is still your room you know” Peter said quietly, almost understanding how much Sirius did not want to leave.
Sirius just nodded tiredly, he wanted to go to sleep and maybe this all would still just be a really really bad dream. He would wake up tomorrow and he would have never told snape moony’s secret, he never would have gotten disowned or this did never ever happen. It had all just been a very bad dream. A nightmare.
But it wasn’t. It was not a bad dream, that Sirius could just forget about and sweep under the ruck. Not even close. So, how does he wake up from a nightmare, if he is not asleep?
Before even thinking about sleeping, he needed to get the feeling of hands off of him right now. Right this second or he would go mad. He felt too dirty to even think about doing anything else. “I need to take a quick bath before..” Sirius was already moving towards the now closed bathroom door.
“Oh, okay” Peter replied, looking at him still a bit unsurely, like Sirius was gonna drown in the bath if Peter left him alone for too long.
Sirius went to the bathroom and closed the door taking a deep breath. He turned the bath on and undressed slowly. All the adrenaline had turned down in his body and he could feel his body aching all over. He quickly got in the bath before his legs would give out again. After scrubbing his skin all over until it had turned furiously red. Sirius tried to ignore all the thoughts and feelings going inside his head, lowering his head to his knees and just trying to calm himself down.
You are okay, you are going be okay – But was he really, would it be okay. He was dwelled so in his head that he hadn’t noticed the passing time, the bath water had already turned to lukewarm.
Sirius flinched when he felt someone dropping a towel to his shoulders. “Sirius hey.. sorry but you have to get up mate or you're gonna catch a cold.” Oh yeah Peter, he forgot about him, about everything for a while.
“I brought you fresh clothes, I will wait for you outside.” And Peter left the bathroom.
Why was he treating Sirius like a glass that was about to break to millions of pieces. Why did he care, didn’t he hate him too?
Sirius got dressed and opened and closed the bathroom door as quietly as possible, he did not want to wake James or Remus up, which had been surprising, that neither of them had not woken up by Sirius’ meltdown.
Peter was already looking at him like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. So Sirius just stared back.
He hadn’t slept on his own bed in ages and for some reason it felt weird to be here in a long time. Thus,he was just standing there feeling out of place. He didn’t necessarily want to be alone right now, it felt like, if he were left alone, he would break down for once.. and not get up.
As wrong as it felt to ask for help, he desperately needed it. “Pete” Sirius spoke so quietly that he wasn’t sure that Peter even heard him.
“Yea?” Answered Peter back.
“Could i- could I maybe stay with you for a bit?” Sirius had asked very hesitantly and it must have taken Peter by surprise, because he took a while to reply.
And now Sirius was feeling insecure, maybe it was the wrong thing to ask. “Sorry forget it” Sirius was turning away ashamed of himself.
“Wait, just come here. It’s better to talk on my bed anyway. It's not as close to the others as yours is in between.”
Sirius was a bit hesitant. But Pete’s quiet “cmon” had him moving on to the shorter boys bed. Peter closed the curtains and looked at Sirius expecting him to do the silencio spell like he normally had done when he had had late night talks with James. But then he realized Sirius wasn’t doing it. Peter’s gaze lowered to his hands.
“Where’s your wand at?”
Oh no
No no no
He only now noticed he was in such a hurry earlier that he had forgotten about his wand. It was still there . In that room.
“I dropped it, so you do the silencio.”Sirius tried to calmingly say, but failing at it – it wasn’t entirely a lie either, at some point it had dropped to the classroom floor.
Peter looked like he was about to ask more, but decided to do the spell first.
Sirius was laying on his side now, his body felt so bloody tired, like someone had sucked all the life out of him. Like he was slowly dying or maybe- just maybe he was already dead. And this was just afterlife torturing him for all the shit he had caused. Maybe he deserved it after all.
Peter was now staring at him and laying down himself getting used to the darkness. Sirius wasn’t used to Peter being like this, he was always a bit of a whiny bastard and usually complaining about shit, but now. He hadn’t complained at all, not once. Not a single word that indicated that he was still angry or upset at Sirius.
If- and that’s a big if.
But if Sirius were to tell Pete about this.. about what had happened, would he even believe it. What if he just thought Sirius was pulling some kind of sick prank and wouldn’t believe him. Would call him a liar.
Maybe some things were better to be left unsaid.
Peter wasn’t on the same page tho, his eyes had widened at some point and were starting at Sirius’ neck now.
“Sirius what happened to your neck?” Peter was staring at his open neck wide eyed. Eyes asking who did that?
Sirius raised his hand to his neck, it was a bit sore he could feel. While putting down his wrist he noticed it was bruised slightly matching his other wrist- they were bruised from being held down. And he could bet his neck wasn’t looking any better, hand prints framing his pale neck.
Ha- he hadn’t paid any attention to that either, so Sirius must have looked quite surprised too.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Peter asked carefully. “Because you can, if you want to.”
But could he really, well he didn’t have to think about it further, because he felt something wet running down his face. Fast hiding his face with his shaking hands. He felt himself break down. Tears started to flow and they wouldn’t stop until he had turned to a pathetic sobbing mess.
All the feelings he tried to bottle up so he wouldn’t cry, started to burst open like a broken fire hydrant. He could hear his mother yelling “Blacks don’t cry” . But here he was crying his heart out.
“Oh, mate” Peter put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. “Come here, it’s okay” he comforted Sirius by taking him in a clumsy hug while he sobbed.
“I’m afraid- you won’t - you or anyone else wouldn’t believe me, even if i were to tell you the truth.” Sirius muttered between sobs.
“Sirius, I know something happened and I can see it upsets you greatly,” Peter pats his back gently. “And you can tell me, you can tell any of us- were still your friends, even if our-
“No I can’t!” Sirius interrupts “ they hate me, you hate me!”
“No padfoot we don’t” Pete says softly using his nickname. A nickname he hasn’t heard in so long.
“They are just angry and hurt, especially moony, but he just needs a bit more time to cool down and James misses you like crazy.”
Sirius feels a heavy weight lift from his chest. He has hope now, he thought he lost them forever, but now he has at least a bit of hope left to repair their friendships. Oh how he had missed his friends, he had gotten so used to being alone. He did not want to be alone anymore.
Sirius took a deep breath “something happened tonight- something bad and I don’t know if i can tell anyone.” his voice was shaking now “he said not to bother telling anyone, that nobody would believe me even if i did” Sirius stared horrified at Peter in his eyes this time.
Something clicked in Peter’s eyes.
“Do you remember in the middle of 4th year when I told you guys about my older sister and that she had gotten hurt.”
“Yes, that some other student had attacked her, right?” Sirius wondered what in Merlin's name did Peter’s sister have to do with any of this.
“Right- but what I didn’t tell you guys about..it wasn’t just a normal assault.. it was a sexual assault.” Peter watched him carefully, looking a bit pained.
Sirius let out an “oh”
“And I think or at least I'm getting a feeling that this might be something similar” Peter explained.
Sirius was speechless, no words left, so he just slowly nodded his head.Trying not to cry anymore than he already had.
“Who?” Peter softly asked. “Was it a student here? A slytherin?” He continued.
No. No It wasn’t. Sirius notched his head side to side looking completely defeated.
He could see the gears turning in Pete's head when Sirius couldn’t so much as open his mouth to tell who the attacker was. Peter was trying to think who it could be to get Sirius like this, not being able to even speak. Once his eyes widened and he blurted “a teacher?”
Sirius couldn’t help but make a muffled cry and that had confirmed it for Peter. He was looking like he couldn’t believe what he had learned. But it slowly turned to fury.
“Which teacher?” Peter asked furiously.
Sirius couldn’t answer, hands founding his eyes again, trying to stop the building tears from falling. But it was a losing game. He was trying to form words but it was difficult.
“I can't,” he muttered between sobs.
“Hey, it’s gonna be alright, I got you.” Peter tried to comfort.
“I- i need him gone- I can’t stay here if I know he is out there.” Sirius tried to explain the terror he felt. How scared he was.
“Of course,” Peter told him. “We- or i can tell Minnie tomorrow if you want, if that’s easier for you.” Assured Peter.
Thank Merlin for Peter, he made it feel like Sirius was not alone in this, that at least one person believed him and got his back.
Peter was about to speak but was stopped by Sirius.
Sirius didn’t have the energy for any more questions, not for tonight. What he needed was sleep, dreamless sleep. So he could escape for just a moment of this cruel day.
Sirius turned his back to Peter. “I am really tired? We can talk later.” And like that their conversation ended. He could hear Pete's quiet ”night”, but Sirius was too out of it already to reply and not for long until darkness took over.
Peter
Peter could hear loud voices and that was partly the reason he had woken up. He could recognise the voices belonging to James and Remus. Remembering that Sirius was still sleeping beside him peacefully, he wanted to let him sleep some more after everything that went down yesterday. He if someone needed it.
“Shut up already” Peter exclaimed and got up, closing the curtain and casting silencio.
The room exploded with questions.
“What is going on?” James looked at him “why is he here?”
“And why is he in your bed?” Remus questioned.
“Well this is still technically his damn room, so he can be here if he wants.” He tells them.
“Cmon Peter, why would he come here now and not earlier, if he wanted to?” Remus looked at him pointedly.
Peter wasn’t sure what he could tell, that the others would understand the seriousness of the situation without telling too much. “just…something happened and he needed a safe place to stay.” Peter said a hint of sadness in his voice.
James' shoulders tensed and he was looking more worried, even if he tried not to show it.
“ what happened?” James asked worriedly.
But before Peter could mutter a word, Remus continued sounding pissed. “Well whatever reason he’s here i bet it was his own fucking fault again” Remus said defensively.
“Don’t.” Peter said warningly. Now Peter was getting angry. “Just don’t, you have no idea-“
“Then tell me Peter, what the fuck did he do this time huh?!” Remus sounded almost scared.
“This was not his fucking fault!” Peter yelled back. How could Remus- but Remus had no idea what had happened, so he couldn’t blame him. Even Peter himself didn't know entirely what had happened, just that it had been bad to get Sirius of all people to react like that.
Remus shut up and James looked at Peter wide eyed. It was rare to hear Peter raise his voice this way, he was usually the calmest one of them. Too shy to yell at anyone even if someone deserved it. However this was different. He looked at the two boys in front of him. Trying to calm himself down.
“ I am not gonna tell you what happened, because it is not my tale to tell. But I need you both to drop your attitude towards Sirius, you can be mad at him but please do it quietly, he does not need your shit right now.” Peter said straight.
“Is he gonna stay here?” James asked, breaking the silence.
“Probably,” Peter answered, looking at his bed.
“Okay if that’s done, Remus i need you to get minnie, tell her it’s urgent and that she needs to come to our room when she can.”
Remus looks confused. “Why?”
“Yeah why does minnie have to come here?” James asks.
“just go tell her that and go to your classes, both of you okay.” Peter sounded tired while telling them off.
Remus looked at Peter for a while questioning it, but when Peter didn’t elaborate, he gave up and left. James stayed for a bit longer, looking worried. “Is he okay, Sirius I mean, he’s fine right?” he had asked quietly looking at peter.
“I hope so” Peter told him, because he really did hope for Sirius to be fine, which probably was just hopeful thinking on his part.
James nodded and left. Leaving Peter to the room with still sleeping sirius.
Sirius
The feeling of hands woke Sirius up, he was tangled in blankets and cold sweat covered his skin. It was weirdly quiet in their dorm room, so maybe classes had already started, Sirius didn’t care that he would be skipping class. His body felt too tired, too heavy to care.
Opening his eyes he could see Peter sitting quietly in one of the arm chairs reading a herbology book for class. He had not noticed Sirius being awake yet. Deciding if he should let Peter know he was awake or just stay in bed and maybe sleep more. He didn’t have to decide as Peter now noticed Sirius being awake and asked.
“Hey mate.. how are you feeling?”
Ha- and wasn’t that a question, how exactly was Sirius feeling ?
Violated.
Dirty.
Like thousands of ants were crawling in his skin, burning every feeling in his body and leaving nothing else than the gruesome memories.
Sirius was spacing out, too dazed to comprehend that he was supposed to reply.
“Sirius?”
…
“Sirius, you with me mate” Peter spoke closer, breaking the spell Sirius was under and bringing him to reality.
“Hmm?” Mumbled Sirius
“I asked how were you feeling?” Peter stared at him warily.
“What do you think?” Sirius answered sarcastically, looking down. He felt like something in himself had broken, been stolen from him.
“Do you umm, have you thought what you’re gonna do about-“ Petter tried to ask but stopped waiting if Sirius wanted to continue the topic.
“What am I supposed to do now?” Sirius asked, more to himself than Peter.
“ Well I have asked Minnie to come here, so if you still want to tell her- or well I can tell her too if you want to. What do you want to do?” Peter asked
Did he want to tell minnie, it had been hard enough to tell Peter last night. He couldn’t even say the actual words.
“Can you tell her?” Sirius asked, not looking at Peter. Feeling like a coward.
“Of course mate.” Pete assured.
It didn’t take long until they could hear a knock on the door. Peter got up and opened it, showing professor McGonagall looking at them like this was another of their pranks.
Sirius couldn’t move or look at her, he was afraid of telling her. She would not believe anything, she would just treat this like one of their mischiefs. So he stayed seated in Pete's bed. Letting Pete do the talking for now. It was better that way.
“Morning boys, this better not be one of your pranks.” Mcgonagall said seriously looking at them.
“It is not,” Peter told her, returning the seriousness.
“So what was so urgent you couldn’t come to my office yourself?” She asked, looking at both of them and entering their room.
Sirius couldn’t face her, so he just stared down at his feet, feeling his heartbeat in his ears, it was starting to get difficult to breathe again.
“We need to report a teacher for inappropriate behavior.” Peter said sternly.
Minnie looked at Peter, still not fully convinced that they were not pulling another prank. “And what kind of behavior may I ask?” She played along.
Peter glanced at Sirius, making sure he still wanted to do this. Sirius nodded slightly letting Pete know it was okay, even if he was scared shitless.
“Sexually assaulting a student” Peter said, his voice not wavering a bit.
Minnie looked at Peter wide eyed, definitely not expecting that. She needed to collect herself a bit and said in a serious voice “ that is a serious accusation mr. pettigrew and not to be joked about!”
“I know” Peter said knowingly “ I would never joke about something like this!”
Minnie now understood this was an actual accusation that needed to be looked into and investigated.
“Which teacher? “ she asked calmly.
Now it was Pete's turn to look tongue-tied.
Because Sirius never told him the name of the teacher. Peter looked to Sirius apologetically. Sirius got it, he had forgotten to mention the name. He was forgetting a lot of things lately, his head was such a mess.
Minnie was looking impatiently at Peter, and Peter didn’t know the answer to that.
“Kesle”
Sirius found himself saying, his voice sounding raw and bare. “Professor Kesle,” he repeated.
Minnie turned her head to Sirius, remembering he was in the room still. Sitting on a bed covered in a blanket head to toe.
“Professor Kesle” Minnie repeated. Looking at both of the boys. “Is that true” Minnie turned to ask slightly shocked Peter who only now had learned who the offender was.
“I- yes, he is the one.” Peter tumbled a bit with the words, looking at Sirius and trying to convince minnie.
Minnie looked a tiny bit hesitant about the situation. “If you don’t mind me asking, but I need to know who was the victim?”. She asked, sounding conflicted.
Sirius thought that now she was starting to doubt them and think that they were lying. Because proof, what proof did he have, his word against his. No one would believe the black heir who had been disowned and untrustworthy.
“It was- it was uh-“ Peter looked at Sirius not knowing how to say it.
Sirius sighted. “ It was me,” he said quietly. Not daring to look at minnie.
Minnie was once again speechless and only now paying attention to how tired Sirius looked, eyes blood red and swollen. Before minnie had the chance to say anything. Peter finally spoke loudly “And we have proof!”
Peter signaled Sirius' way to take the blanket away. Sirius felt ashamed understanding what Peter meant, he felt safe with the heavy blanket, hiding with it, he didn’t want anyone to see the damage.
He was starting to shake. Peter quickly came beside him to assure it was fine.
He slowly took it off and raised his wrists to minnie. “ this and- my neck.” Sirius showed her.
Minnie looked horrified by the brutality, but tried not to show it. She came to sit on the bed, not too close to Sirius though. “Can you tell me what happened and when?” She asked softly, almost mothering.
Sirius nodded. He told minnie about it, voice shaking the entire time. How he had been walking down the halls last night and how he had ended up in professor Kesle’s classroom and what had happened after. About his wand that was still there forgotten.
At some point tears had been building in his eyes fearing to drop.
After Sirius was done telling the story and Minnie finished asking any questions, she told him that she needed to go tell Dumledore immediately and get Kesle under investigation and out of school grounds.
Minnie thanked him for being brave enough to tell her and warned that Sirius might need to answer some questions later. She assured him that everything would get easier eventually, even if it didn’t feel like it now.
She left shortly after and Sirius could breathe more easily. Heavy weight lifted his chest.
Later that day Peter had offered to go fetch Sirius wand alone, but Sirius tagged along wanting to see if Kesle had been removed yet. When walking closer to the classroom he could hear a commotion happening, students were gathered in the hall to see what was going on. There were two Aurors escorting Professor Kesle.
Kesle was telling the Aurors that it was a big misunderstanding, that he had no idea why they were escorting him, that he was innocent.
Sirius had stopped walking, and Peter had nearly walked into him. He did not care, too focused on Kesle and how the man slowly noticed Sirius several meters away. Sirius wanted to be brave and not show how his hands had started to tremble and how his breathing had picked up. Peter was going to turn them around and leave, but they nearly collided into Regulus, who sneered at them, stepping away from them to see what was happening.
Sirius still turned to the man, he could feel his neck hair pricking up and chills running down his spine.. he knew Kesle was watching him and his every move and whatever was going to happen next, Sirius would not like it.
”Black” Kesle called.
Sirius stopped moving his body altogether, his heartbeat was ringing in his ears.
He slowly turned around, seeing Regulus looking confused at him. Everyone's attention was now one the Black brothers.
”Black, tell them I didn't do anything ”. Kesle challenged him, looking straight into his eyes, sneering at him. ” It's all a big misunderstanding right?”.
Sirius just stared back disgusted. The last words replaying in his head..
”no one will believe you so don’t even bother”
Who did this bastard think he was, thinking he would try to get away with this, after what he had done, did he really think Sirius would just lie and comply. Sirius had had enough of feeling like it had been his fault.
The words were already leaving his mouth before thinking further. ”Fuck you, fuck you for thinking you would just get away with it, you bastard!” Sirius yelled frustrated. If he had his wand, he would have hexed the bastard on that second.
The two Aurors were slowly trying to get Kesle to move again, grabbing his shoulders to get him to move. But Kesle looked furious, not getting the outcome he had wanted.
”you fucking whore” Kesle grunted angrily while he was getting manhandled to move along.
”he is lying, he wanted it, i didn't force him to do anything he was whoring himself!” Kesle was spouting countless horseshit.
For a moment you could see a single flash and then it was silent. Only murmuring could be heard from students watching the whole commotion, but then a second flash came and it hit Kesle, someone had used a silencing spell first and then someone else had hexed him.
Sirius turned and saw no other than angry looking James and Remus standing in the end of the hallway, having heard the commotion and had decided enough was enough.
When no one moved after the Aurors had gotten Kesle out of the building, Remus had raised his voice and stated that;
“ the show is over, now fuck off.”
Peter had picked Sirius’ wand quickly from the classroom floor and the boys left to their dorm room together, so Sirius could explain what had happened and why he would want to stay at their room if it was okay with Remus.
He told them everything,
starting at the Snape fiasco,
what had happened at Grimmauld,
why he had finally gotten disowned,
how he had come across to that weird muggle man
and eventually what happened with Kesle.
They listened and at some point James expressed that; whatever happened, Sirius could always come to his place for safety and Remus apologized for shouting at Peter and about what he had said without knowing any better. Sirius apologized for all the trouble and harm he had caused to all of them too, especially to Remus.
In the end they had talked everything through and started to repair their friendships slowly, while Sirius tried to deal with the aftermath of the assault and recover from it, luckily he wasn't alone anymore, he had his mates, the marauders to help him through even the hardest parts of life.