The Nanny Who Lived

The Nanny Who Lived

Chapter II: Diaper Change

…

To say that the stay at the hospital had been an adventure would be a serious understatement.

Hours of delivery, giggling mediwitches, grandparents with a bowl of pasta and, of course, becoming a parent. But Scorpius was a gorgeous and healthy little baby, and in the end, that was all that mattered. It had all been for him. And the couple was happy. Finally, after so many years, they had become a dreamy little family.

Friends had come to visit the couple and congratulate them, and obviously, Scorpius was the star of the show. He was so chubby! So adorable! So… so…!

He. Was. SO. CUTE!

When Harry showed up, he wished Draco and Hermione lots of luck and happiness, and then listened to the ridiculous story of Hermione’s labour. Good Godric, he laughed so heartily at the absurdity of it!

A bowl of Spaghetti in the middle of her labour? Really? Pffft… Bahahahaha!

He stayed to chat for a little longer, but when Hermione began to yawn, Harry took his leave. Or more like, Draco kicked him out. Before he left  though, Harry offered to be Scorpius’ babysitter, should Draco and Hermione ever need one.

And honestly, looking at him, little Scorpius looked angelic. With his airy, fine platinum curls, snuggled so peacefully in his mother’s arms, asleep, breathing slowly and calmly – That baby was too sweet; he could never cause harm to anyone. Babysitting would be a walk in the park.

So, should they ever need a nanny for Scorps, Harry insisted they’d let him know and he’d be up for the job.

Oh, what a great friend! Wonderful, wonderful Harry Potter!

It’s not like that offer would ever come back to bite him in the arse, right?

Noooo!

Of course not!

…

A couple of days later, they were told they could go home. When Hermione and Draco got out of Saint Mungo’s with their little baby Scorpius in her arms, they couldn’t imagine happiness greater than that.

Their tiny bundle of joy, peacefully napping, as they finally headed home. 

All was well.

Ah, life was wonderful!

…

The night sky was clear, scattered with millions of twinkling stars. A fresh breeze of air caressed the leaves on the trees, and their rustle was so soothing. The silver glow of the full moon painted a serene picture across the landscape, shadows danced among the swaying branches, it was a beautiful play of light and dark. Nature seemed to pause and the world felt still. 

Everything was silent, so peaceful, so blissfully calm.

Sleeping was so nice…

“WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

…Why, oh why could the baby not understand?

For the eighth time that night, Scorpius cried.

Hermione remembered how, when she was little, her mother would tell her things such as ‘there’s no sound more beautiful than a baby’s laughter’ and ‘It’s all roses and chocolates, being a parent means to reach the highest joy in life’. And yes, there was a lot of truth to that and she loved her son with her whole heart…

…But why didn’t she warn her about the constant puke on her shoulder, about the random shouting, and about the hair pulling?

And, most importantly: Sleep deprivation.

Why did no one warn Hermione about SLEEP DEPRIVATION?

Groaning, she tried to shake her husband awake, “Draco…”

Nothing.

“Draco.”

“Hrmhm…”

Hermione pulled on his arm, “Draco, wake up!”

“Hrmhmmhrrmm… Noooo… F’ve m’re m’nutes…”

“Eh, Scorpius is crying anyway, so… DRA-CO! Dear Godric, stop snoring and wake up!”

“Wha…?”

FINALLY!

Draco quickly cleaned up the drool from the corner of his mouth and waited a couple of seconds. That’s when he realised that Scorpius was crying.

Again.

“The lungs on that baby, holy shit.”

“Hmm, I know. And it’s your turn to go check up on him.”

“What? But I just went! I’m pretty sure it’s your turn. Scorpius is probably hungry and I can’t breastfeed him.”

“No, I went half an hour ago and breastfed him.” Hermione yawned. Sheesh, she was tired, “You went two hours ago. It’s your turn.”

“Darling, don’t forget you’re married to a glutton. I eat a lot. Always have, always will. Genetics is a powerful thing, Scorps is probably hungry.”

“Draco, even if I had to breastfeed him again, I’d be sorry to say that café Hermione is out of milk. Everything he’d be able to suck out of my breasts at the moment would be milk powder, and I’m not choking my baby to death, thank you very much.”

“Milk powd– Sweet fucking Salazar, Granger, no need to be so graphic.”

“Will it get your lazy arse up from bed and get you to look after him if I’m ‘so graphic’?”

“…Nnnnno?”

“Mhhhh-hm. And you’re sure about that, yes?”

“…Yyyyes?”

“Very well, then. As you wish.” She huffed, annoyed, and then started to snap her fingers at him, “Hey. Draco, eyes on me. Hey. HEY. Draco, HEY! Eyes on me. Look at me, Draco. Draco, LOOK.”

She grabbed her tits and gave them a firm squeeze, looking at him directly in the eye to the point of visible discomfort. Her hazel eyes held a very malicious gleam to them, and she spoke very slowly, making him cringe really fucking hard.

Holy shit, what had he done. He’d unleashed the fucking Kraken!

“Draco. My tits. Are empty.”

“Granger–”

“–They’re dry, Draco. Completely arid.”

“Granger, stop!”

“The tits you like to suck on so much – They’re chalky. OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO, THEY’RE SO CHALKY, DRACO. THEY’RE AS CHALKY AS THE COOKIES HIDDEN IN YOUR GRANDMA’S DUSTY PANTRY, DRACO.”

“Sweet fucking Salazar, Hermione, please, STOP! AND STOP SAYING MY NAME LIKE A FUCKING MANIAC!”

“DRACO! They’re as sandy as the Sahara Desert, Draco. Draco, they’re–”

“–NONONONONONONONO! DON’T SAY IT–”

“–MOISTURELESS, DRACO.” She put a particular hiss on the ‘s’ and pretended she was a snake, “MY TITSSSSSS ARE MOISSSSSSSTURELESSSSSSSSSS.”

“GAH! Alright, FINE! You win, you evil woman, but holy shit, calm down, Granger. You’re fucking terrifying.”

“Hmm, so I’ve been told. Now, hop, hop! Off you go to check up on Scorps.” She yawned again, and cuddled herself under the fluffy blankets, “I’ll be working on–”

“–If you say you’ll be working on ‘moisturising your tits’ one more time, I swear on Crabbe’s grave, I will murder you.”

“You know, those threats are as empty as my tits–”

“–AAAAAAAAAAAAND I’M GONE.”

He got up abruptly and off he went to check up on Scorps. Nope. No more dry titty metaphors for him. He’d been scarred for life.  

…

“Well, well, well, look who’s up again.” Draco lovingly picked Scorps up and rocked him very lightly, pacifying him, “Hello there, mon petit. Quoi de neuf?”

Suddenly a certain stink caught up to him. Scorpius smiled cheekily and actually blushed.

“Oh.” He sniffed to double check it wasn’t just his nose, “Oh, so that’s up.”

Oh-hohohoho!

It was bad, absolutely putrid!

It wasn’t like the first days after being born, when the intestines weren’t fully colonised with bacteria and the stool wasn’t smelly at all. No, no, no, no, no. The bacteria had probably crocheted a ‘gut, sweet gut’ blanket and made themselves right at home. Because holy shit, the reek of it had become un-fucking-bearable.

Honestly, that one poop…

Oh, that one didn’t only take the crown – It took the entire fucking kingdom.

“Well then, diaper change it is.”

Scorpius started happily kicking the air with his little, pudgy feet. He didn't hold back, giggling and squealing with each kick, confirming his father’s suspicion. Yes, that was up: The baby shat himself.

Draco knew he could cast a spell and fix the problem quickly and easily, but he and Hermione had come to the agreement of doing it the Muggle way. She argued that it was important to have physical contact with their baby, so that Scorpius bonded with his parents – and vice versa.

And really, she had a point.

So, there they were!

Draco laid Scorpius on the changing table and started unbuttoning the baby’s pyjamas. Scorps was staring at him curiously, and suddenly started to clap his hands and kick even more fervently with his chubby little legs, making it difficult for Draco to get to the actual nappy.

“Scorps, darling, if you keep moving like this you’ll smear the poop all around your butt… Wow. I can’t believe I said that out loud.” And oh, the mental image! All brown and warm… Deeeelightful! He gagged. Oh, you bet he gagged, “Oh, sweet Salazar. Ew. Ew.”

Scorpius laughed. Draco’s face really amused him. It was fun. Lots of fun, actually; Draco looked like he couldn’t keep it together. The revolted scowl on his face looked like the perfect grimace to make Scorps giggle, and the more he giggled, the more he moved.

The more he moved, the more poop he spread on his buttcheeks.  

The more the poop spread, the worse the smell.

The worse the smell, the more nauseated Draco felt.

The more nauseated Draco felt, the more hilarious his grimace.

The more hilarious his grimace, the more Scorps squealed and moved.

And then back to the starting point!

POOP PARTY, YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

…Toast with Nutella, anyone?

“You naughty, little thing. Making it difficult for me to change you is fun, hm?”

“Ga!”

Draco snorted, a smile cracking on his face, “Thought so. You’ll make an amazing Slytherin, Scorps.”

“Go?”

“No, not Gryffindor! Slytherin. Sly-the-rin.”

“Go!”

“Can I get a little ‘Rin’? For papa?”

“GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Draco shook his head, and chuckled lightly, “Of course, Scorps. Of course.”

Finally, one exhausted Draco managed to finally open up the diaper. And again, the smell hit him hard, and his face scrunched up in disgust. He was met with a sight that could only be described as the aftermath of a confetti explosion – an explosion of the less, uh… colourful kind.

That diaper had a surprise that could rival the grandest of surprises, a surprise that pushed the boundaries of diaper capacity to the absolute limit. That scene, even though it was gross, was so impressive that it bordered on absurd. Scorpius had managed to produce an amount that defied all logic and honestly challenged the very laws of physics.

Just, how? How?!

Honestly, Draco was so amazed at the sheer volume produced by someone so small. Scorps was just a newborn! What were the limits of what a tiny human could create?! 

‘Holy shit, literally.’ Draco looked at his toddler and asked him, “Say, Scorpius. What do they feed you? What do you eat?”

“Tata?”

“Yes, tata. Tata’s good. Tata’s great.” With a quick flick of his wrist, he levitated the dirty diaper off Scorpius and made it disappear, “Evanesco!”

Now that the stinky diaper was gone, Draco fumbled with the wipes, almost dropping them, and cleaned Scorps up. He then grabbed the baby powder and a new change, struggling to keep a grip on things, much to Scorpius’ amusement. Then, somewhat clumsily, he managed to place the new diaper under Scorps’ back, and felt relieved that the change was finally coming to an end.

He saw the light at the end of the tunnel…!

As Draco meticulously continued wiping and powdering, Scorpius lay there, all smiles and innocent giggles, seemingly plotting a small evil mischief. That’s when Draco looked at his son, a wary look in his eyes: Scorpius, the evil little toddler, seemed to be enjoying himself…

…Perhaps a bit too much.

He was smirking maliciously and the gleam of his big mercury eyes was absolutely vicious.

“Gaaa, ga, ga, ga…”

Uh-oh.

…Why did that sound like the laugh of a villain?

“Scorps?”

Draco’s Mini-me took in a deep breath, looking as if he was concentrating on doing something. He drew a frown, his face began to redden, and his chubby little cheeks puffed up like balloons.

Oh.

Oh, no.

“Scoooooooorps…”

Draco suddenly broke a cold sweat, and a terrifying shiver ran down his spine. He knew what was coming. He sensed the impending disaster.

Ohhhh, nooo…!

Oh, nonononono.

“Scorpius, no.”

Scorpius made baby noises. Baby noises of the dangerous kind.

“Scorpius, please, I beg you, don’t!”

Just as Draco was about to complete the task, time seemed to slow down. Scorpius, with the impeccable timing of a little mischief-maker, unleashed a tiny fountain that, again, broke all laws of nature.

And then, a long, satisfied, and oh so happy sigh of relief.

On the newly changed nappy, the baby peed himself.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

Didn’t he ‘go’ already!?

What was the point in changing him if he was going to pee himself during the change? The normal course of things was for Scorpius to have a dirty diaper, for it to get changed, and then, after a couple of hours, repeat!

THAT WAS THE CONDITION: AFTERA COUPLE OF HOURS – NOT DURING THE FUCKING CHANGE!  

But no.

On a fresh diaper, the baby peed himself.

It was so unfair.

Draco could cry. He wanted to cry.

“Scorps, love. Scorps, dearest. I have a question for you: Why, my darling son? Why, my sweet little prince? I thought you already went, this was supposed to be your new diaper!”

Scorpius, innocent, innocent Scorpius shrugged as if he’d understood and giggled mischievously, and oh, he looked just so pleased with himself. He found out that he loved teasing Draco, and oh, he’d have lots of fun teasing him!

Draco sighed.

Let the adventure begin again.

…