She was on the edge of tears. It is a few days into school and she is walking behind Ron and Harry, listening to Ron go on and on about how annoying she is. Harry nods his head at almost everything Ron says and even offers a few comments of his own. She hears Ron call her a know-it-all before the dam behind her eyes breaks and she is sobbing in the middle of the courtyard. She pushes through Harry and Ron and they seem shocked to see her. Harry tries to shout out a half-arsed apology but she blocks him out. She doesn’t care what he says, he clearly agrees with Ron that she is an annoying little know-it-all and that she doesn’t deserve to be friends with them. She can’t believe it, the first people she thought were her friends don’t actually like her.
She rushes into the bathroom, runs into a stall, locks it, and then slides down the far wall to sit on the floor. She felt ridiculous for sobbing over her “friends” talking bad about her but she didn’t have friends before this. This is where she was supposed to fit in, where there are people like her, and she thought people would want to be friends with her. Her hopes rose when Harry and Ron became interested in her. Ever the people pleaser, she did everything she could to get them to like her, sat by them at meals, gave them homework answers when needed, helped them in class and so much more. But it wasn’t enough. Nothing she did was enough, not enough for people to like her, and nothing was enough for them to stay. Eventually, she ran out of tears and stared until her vision went blurry. She wanted to disappear into the floor. She had always handled the loneliness so well but something about this felt different. She felt like she was supposed to be friends with them, like they were a golden trio or something like that but she refused to be friends with people who told each other how annoying and odd she was behind her back.
After staring at the other side of the stall for what felt like forever, she stood up on shaky legs and pushed out of the stall to stare at herself in the mirror. She saw a very lonely girl. The light of hope in her eyes that she saw this morning was gone. There was a hole in her heart. It had always been there, waiting to be filled by friends who cared about her and wanted her. It hadn’t hurt before but it had been there. Harry and Ron had filled it, for a short time and she felt complete. Like she was where she was meant to be and with who she was meant to be with. Now, the hole was empty and it felt like her heart was breaking. I was alone again but it hurt more this time. I almost had what I longed for but my personality had snatched that opportunity away from me. I was lonely and my heart hurt so much, it felt as though I was having a heart attack and could collapse on the floor at any minute. But I knew my worth. I shouldn’t have to deal with friends who were rude to me behind my back just to have friends.
I sighed in defeat before splashing some cold water on my face and heading out of the bathroom. I skipped dinner and headed for my dorm room. Everyone was at dinner so there was no one to run into on my way to the common room, through the portrait, and into my dorm. I went through the motions of showering, getting ready for bed, and setting my stuff out for classes tomorrow. As I heard a commotion down in the common room, I climbed into my bed and pulled the curtains closed. I feel empty and hurt. No one comes to check on me and the hole in my heart aches a little more. I will myself not to cry again and I feel pathetic for depending on my self-worth on if people like me. As I hold back sobs, tears drip down my cheeks and are soaking my pillow. I fall asleep stifling my sobs and laying on a wet pillow.
When I wake up, I feel empty again. Like the hole in my heart has dried up and raw. I slowly got out of bed and wandered into the bathroom. I was on autopilot as I took a shower, dried my hair with a charm, and did my morning routine. I barely came out of my dissociation when I looked in the mirror. My eyes looked empty and sullen. The spark was gone and they were slightly red and puffy from my excessive crying the day before. There was nothing I could do to hide the fact that I was a wreck and that something was off with me. I quietly exited the bathroom, packed up my bag, and headed out to breakfast earlier than I usually would. I want to avoid interacting with as many people as possible. The common room was silent as I walked down so I relaxed a bit as I walked down the stairs. I walked calmly across the room and toward the exit until I saw Harry sleeping on the main couch. I froze and my body stopped functioning. I stare at him and my heart aches. I feel the urge to wake him up and apologize for running off and for being so sensitive. Instead, I turn away and swallow my heartache because I deserve better than them.
I am just finishing up eating breakfast as the rush of students comes in. I feel people sit around me and when I look up, I see Harry and Ron sitting right in front of me. Before they can get a word out of their mouth, I stand up and turn my back on them. I don’t want to hear their half-arsed apologies begging for me to come back to them. There is a charms exam today and I’m sure that they will be begging for me to help conveniently right after they apologize to me. I march off to the library to finish studying for charms and to be out of the chaos of the great hall.
As a few weeks go by, I watch quietly as the boys struggle through their classes. Their grades are suffering without my help while I am excelling without them weighing me down. Even if I am excelling in my courses, the hole in my heart is still raw and hurting. Thinking about how lonely I am for too long makes me tear up. I try to keep my head down and focus on myself. Harry makes attempts at apologizing occasionally and I ignore him. Ron does not attempt apologizing and doesn’t seem to care that I am not around anymore. He gets more Harry to himself now. I am friendly with my classmates and my partners in classes always are polite to me. We often work together quite well but when we are done with our project, they leave to go talk to their friends and I am left alone to finish up my part of the assignment and walk alone. I am not angry at them for leaving, I am just sad that I do not have friends to meet up with after a project or after class. I push down the pain every day but every night it rears its ugly head and I end up with a soaked pillow.
The first round of exams is very difficult and I struggle to keep up with all of my classes. Harry and Ron make it very obvious how much they are struggling by complaining to anyone who will listen. It became even more obvious when a howler from Mrs. Weasley arrived to yell at Ron about his exam scores.
My amusement quickly faded as everyone turned to their friends to talk about it and I sat there, alone.
The next few months are very lonely and my heart hurts almost every single day. In the back of my mind, I am concerned that something is physically wrong, but the embarrassment of possibly being told that the feeling is just in my head holds me back from going to the hospital wing. The only things I do are shower, eat, study, and sleep. I watch from afar as everyone hangs out with their friends and am constantly reminded that I gave that up.
As Christmas nears, I am dreading going home and am also excited. It will be nice to be around people that I know love me and care about me for who I am. On the other end, I am dreading them finding out I have no friends. I am not a good liar and it will be difficult to lie to my parents. They are very observant and will likely realize that I, yet again, have no friends.
I barely cry at night anymore. I just stare at the inside of my curtains and am lost in my mind. I fall asleep late every night and am very tired. I can’t keep track of how long I am in my mind at night before I drift off so it could be minutes or hours.
McGonagall is getting concerned. I wouldn’t be surprised if she saw the division of our friendship and was waiting for us to get back together. There is something in my heart that wants me to run back to them even though they treated me horribly but I know that is the loneliness talking.
Christmas is exactly what I expected. I quickly find out that McGonagall has been owling with my parents. The pity on their faces when they see me reveals that. It is nice they see that the lack of friendship is hurting me but nothing they say or do can help.
I rummaged around that first night and found the letters that my head of house had sent to my parents. It feels slightly comforting that she is concerned about me but something doesn’t sit right with me. If I went to her for advice, I am sure she would take Harry’s side and want me to go back to them.
I do not sleep much during the holiday break. The loneliness is exaggerated at home. There is not much to distract from the pain in my heart and I am spending more and more and more time lost in my head.
Finally, after a sad Christmas and holiday break, I head back to Hogwarts. It is bittersweet because I am happy to be back in a place that keeps me distracted, but seeing everyone reuniting with their friends reunited the flame of jealousy in my heart for what I do not have.
I run into McGonagall on my way back to the common room. “Hermione, why aren’t you at dinner?” she says. I quickly reply with a quiet “not hungry” and try to move around her. Instead, she asks, “How was your holiday?” I force out a response “It was fine” I can see that she wants more than a dead-end answer but I do not have the energy for that. She has been corresponding with my parents behind my back and not even bothering to talk to me about how I am doing before this moment. “How are your parents?” She politely asks. I try to hold back my snarky response but I am sick of this belittling concern for my well-being. Her intentions are good but somehow, I know she is just doing this to help Harry. I make eye contact with her for the first time since we started this conversation and as calmly as I can, say “Why don’t you write them and ask them?” I turn away and walk very quickly to the common room and right up to my dorm. I throw myself into my bed without even a second look at my trunk which needs to be unpacked.
And then I am crying. I just was disrespectful to an authority figure and someone I look up to. That is so not like me and I want to run back and apologize to her but what I said was correct. She has been talking to my parents without ever talking to me to see how I am doing. Likely, the only reason that she tried to talk to me now was to see if my parents managed to convince me to become friends with Harry and Ron again. She knows they need me, she has seen their failing grades and the conflict between them. What makes me upset is that she isn’t concerned about my well-being, she is concerned about how my actions affect them. She doesn’t care how I am doing, as long as I am with Harry and Ron.
I had gotten so used to being alone so when I looked up while studying in the library, I almost fell out of my chair to see Theodore Nott and Draco Malfoy standing there. I couldn’t conceal the shock on my face and it only grew when they sat down and began to bring out their books and parchment. I stared as they started the charms essay we had been assigned just a few hours prior. I had been staring for at least 5 minutes when I realized that they were not leaving and simply doing their schoolwork at the same table as me. I shake out my shock and continue working on my own charms essay. I finished my first draft before moving to my transfiguration reading. I look up to see the boys intensely focused on their work. Ron and Harry were never focused on their schoolwork when we were friends and I rarely see them doing it now so this is a new sight.
I keep looking up like they will say something but they have said nothing since they sat down.
We all eventually finish our work and I get up to go back to the common room. I sneak a quick look at them and they are so peaceful. I am puzzled by the situation and have no idea what to do or how to react. This continues the next day and the next. On the fourth day, I got enough courage to speak up.
“Why are you here?” I ask in an accusatory tone. Draco quickly counters “Because you don’t own this table and I can sit where I want” I am not shocked by the response but I am shocked by Theo’s. “You seem to be on our academic level, no one else is. Might as well be around you if you are close to as smart as us:” He says without looking up. I am more confused. They notice my marks in classes? I didn’t know they were watching or even cared. I leave it at that and we continue to work on schoolwork throughout the weeks to come.
Draco and Theo's choosing to be around me made me very confused. I was astonished every day when they showed up to work with me or when I showed up to the table and they were seated there, reading or writing calmly on parchment.
It had been almost 5 weeks since they first sat by me when they shocked me even more. Theo looks up from his paper and asks me a question about potions. I looked at him for a minute before shaking out my shock and answering him.
I spent a lot of my time alone thinking about why they would choose to be around me. Theo’s answer theoretically makes sense but what if they were doing it to sabotage me? I keep my guard up around them but what if they actually want to be around people of their academic caliber?
I have no idea the reason they study with me but I am ok with them being there. They asked me questions and I asked them any questions I had. It was a mutually beneficial relationship and I actually started to enjoy hanging out around them.
As the year comes to an end, I find myself wondering what to consider us as. Study buddies? Acquaintances? Friends? I really am not sure. I also realize that being around them has lessened my loneliness a bit. It has not gone away completely but the hole in my heart hurts less. There are nights where it is all I can think about and I cry myself to sleep as I convince myself that no one will ever love me but those nights are less often with Drace and Theo around.
It hits me in the middle of one of those nights that I will be alone this coming summer. That my small amount of interaction with people my age will be gone for 3 months. My eyes get blurry with tears as I realize that the horrible nights of feeling lonely will happen almost every night. There is little to no chance that Theo or Draco will contact me over the summer. I am sure they will have plans every day. Summer should be full of visiting friends, fun events, and experiences that I can’t get at Hogwarts. I know mine will be filled with reading, and staying inside and my only social interaction is with my parents. I have never thought of any of that as a bad thing before but the loneliness in my heart rages strong and it hurts to know how much I will be missing out on. I try to rid myself of that thought as I fall asleep but it sticks in the back of my mind.
When I wake up, I immediately start writing out different subjects to study over the summer and different topics I can research that aren’t covered at Hogwarts. If I can keep myself busy, there will be less time to think about how lonely I am. It is with that thought in mind that I exit Gryfinndor Tower with a new determination.
I didn’t expect a goodbye from Theo and Draco so when they came up to me on the platform as we were boarding the train, I was shocked. “Have a good summer Granger” They both politely said before walking away to board the train. They walked away so fast that I couldn’t respond. I tried to wrap my head around our confusing relationship on the train home.
What are we?