Nova

Remus took off without looking back, basically fuming with rage. He couldn't look at Sirius right now. He had to get away.

Stumbling through the moonlit night he didn't know whether he should laugh or cry or both or nothing.

It was just such a Sirius-Black-Thing to do. To kiss him. No consideration, no thought. Sirius just did what he wanted and everyone else had to live with the consequences.

And Sirius had to know, right? Of course he did, of course he knew. He was one of his best friends, of course he knew that Remus had never kissed anyone. Anyone until tonight.

Or maybe he would have known hadn't he been high off his arse, Remus thought bitterly.

Remus was 22 this year. He'd never kissed anyone. Never been in a relationship. And never really minded any of that very much. It simply wasn't in the cards for someone like him.

He had already been dealt with the greatest of luck to find a family in his friends. One that not just accepted him, but loved him just as he was. Anything else, anything romantic was simply to dangerous. Not worth the risk.

There were three problems: firstly was the whole emotional connection thing. The way Remus understood, that might be a little difficult with someone who had more secrets than the bloody CIA.

Secondly there was his body. His appearance. Littered in scars, tight with knots and sprains, all limbs and strings, there was nothing smooth or soft or desirable about Remus Lupin.

Well and thirdly ... Thirdly there was the wolf. That primal, wild thing in his chest, that voice in the back of his mind that was so possessive and jealous he had to keep it locked behind steel and rod and locks.

Combined together these problems resulted in the unromantic, but rather content existence Remus had been leading for years now.

But despite that, he'd always imagined if he were to ever have a first kiss, it would be a little more planned out. And romantic. And with a girl.

Definitely not with Sirius fucking Black and his soft hair and his dark nails and his taste like cinnamon. Remus groaned as he slowed down. There had been this noise in Padfoot's throat as his back had hit the stem of that tree and Remus couldn't get it out of his head. Not on his best try.

As his breathing calmed down a little again he finally heard the wailed shouts of his name that were so unmistakably Sirius.

His body was thrumming with energy, Sirius scent was in the air, getting closer. He couldn't face him. Sirius would do what he always did; he'd make a joke out of it. He'd tell Remus that it was a prank and that he was sorry, but he just hadn't been thinking. It was how Sirius Black lived his life. Unthinking and kissing people when he felt like it. No big deal.

To him, it never had been. Back in fifth year when James had come out to them as bi, Sirius had casually mentioned his brief fling with Gideon Fletcher. And with Thomas Goldman. And with Barty Crouch. And basically half of the male population of Hogwarts.

When they'd asked if he was bi he'd shaken his head dramatically. And when Marlene had suggested he might be Panssexual he had  declared that 'not even that could encompass all the afflictions of his desires'.

Naturally this had let to some relentless teasing and the very real concern of how close the relationship between Sirius and his beloved motorbike actually was.

But ever since then Sirius had been going out with basically anything that moved. He did not discriminate. Sirius dated, fucked, loved, or went out with anyone willing. And so, Remus could be absolutely sure that this, a little peck on the lips of a friend, was definitely not a big deal to Sirius Black.

Wincing a little at his own cowardice Remus slunk back into the denser part of the woods, letting himself be concealed by the darkness.

The sound of Sirius's footsteps grew louder, hurried and quick, as he called out Remus's name.

Remus couldn't really see the other man, but he was just about to breathe in relief when Sirius's footsteps stopped not to far from the tree he was hidden behind.

He couldn't have noticed, could he? There was a quick fumbling noise and then the footsteps resumed but they didn't move further away. Sirius seemed to be pacing.

"... Prongs?" Sirius' voice sounded a little higher than usual. It made him sound younger, more vulnerable. Miles away from the cocky bastard he actually was.

"Jamie I fucked up, I fucked up big time," he said, and Remus knew exactly how tightly Sirius had his phone pressed to his ear, how he was running a hand trough his hair.

"What? Yes, no, I know Regulus is with you! I fucked up with Remus you arse. I kissed him and he ran off and now I can't find him and everything is fucked Prongsie."

He was quiet for a moment, listening to James and when he spoke again his voice was small and muffled, as if he was rubbing a hand over it. "No, no I didn't ask ... yeah, yeah I know, I know ... I just, I got carried away with the running and the laughing and Remus, god Jamie," there was a sound like a sob, "he's so lovely and I know he doesn't want me, and now I've gone and ruined everything and-" he was quiet once more. Remus' heart was almost beating out of his chest.

"Yeah ... yeah, alright, you're probably right. I'm ... I'm gonna head home ... Yeah, 'course. Promise, yeah, I'll see you in a few. Thanks James."

Silence fell over the moonlit woods once more and after a minute Sirius's soft footsteps began to move away.

It took Remus a while to start blinking again, to begin and understand what he'd just heard.

When he started moving he followed his instincts. The wolf lent his senses and the distant sound of laughter made him follow right in Sirius's trail.

When the low campfire came into sight he finally spotted Sirius, right by the shack, on the way to his bike. He crossed towards him with long strides and reached out a hand.

"Sirius."

The mane of ink black hair almost hit him square in the face as Sirius gave an undignified little squeal and turned around, eyes wide.

"Remus," he breathed, "oh Remus." There was relief in his voice, as if he hadn't expected to see him again.

"Listen I ..." he looked away and as Remus took in the disheveled state of his hair, he understood that Sirius Black was nervous. Really nervous.

"Remus I'm really sorry. That was a stupid thing to do, and I have no idea why I even did it and fuck," he dragged a hand across his handsome face, "I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I wasn't thinking and I'm really fucking sorry and I get it if you need space, but I promise you I'll never do it again and I-"

"Pads," Remus interrupted, not unkindly, "you're rambling."

Sirius deflated and finally looked up at Remus. "Yeah, yeah I'm sorry."

They stood in silence for a minute, eyes locked. Looking for something they both couldn't really name.

"Why'd you say I was lovely?"

Sirius eyes went wide. "You heard that?"

"Uh yeah. Sorry for eavesdropping."

For a moment Sirius just stared. Then he let out a string of curses, turning away from Remus. And Remus felt something in his chest crumble. It had been a misunderstanding. Of course it had been a misunderstanding.

Remus John Lupin was a lot of things, but lovely certainly wasn't one of them. He was the guy children flinched away from once they saw his face. The guy who was asked about being a burn victim more often than not.

He had to leave. Just as he made to turn, Sirius shook his head in something like disbelief and asked: "do you even know what you look like Rem?", and Remus froze on the spot.

He had heard versions of this, of course. Whispers and taunts of his face, just never never from his friends. Never from Sirius. Who touched him without hesitation. Who looked at him without disgust. Who fought with him without fear.

Maybe he should've been angry by now. Should've had Sirius rammed against the wall of the shed and told the bastard to never speak to him again.

Instead he started walking, no idea where, just away.

"Merlin, fuck," he heard behind him, "I'm sorry Moony."

Sirius was beside him, basically running to keep up, but Remus could barely see through the blur.

"I- fuck, I didn't know that would make you uncomfortable, I promise I wasn't coming onto you. But now I know! I'm not gonna call you beautiful anymore, I won't I-, Remus?"

Remus had stopped in his tracks. "You were calling me what?" He croaked.

"Beautiful Rem," Sirius said, "I was calling you beautiful."

For the first time in years, maybe decades, everything inside Remus was quiet. Everything including the wolf. No howling, no scratching, not even a whimpering.

As they were finally facing each other again, Sirius began to frown. "What did you think I was calling you?"

Suddenly Remus felt ridiculous.

Hideous. He thought, but couldn't say. I thought you were calling me hideous.

Somehow Sirius still knew. "Oh Rem," he whispered and then stepped right into Remus' space, "don't you know?" he asked, lifting his hand and tracing his fingertips over Remus' face, "don't you know how much I watch your beauty every day? Don't you know how much I love it?"

Remus swallowed. Stared. This couldn't be happening. But as he scanned his friend's features he found nothing but honesty. And ... Admiration, maybe?

"Can I try something?" he asked, heart in his throat and Sirius nodded immediately.

Now, the wolf was awake, howling in delight. It was showing in his eyes he knew. Sirius had always had a certain reaction to that. None of his friends were scared of that more animalistic side of him, that never quite went to sleep. Sirius however ... He got riled up by it, ignited, brought to life.

So when Remus pushed Sirius into the wooden wall of the shed, caging him in his arms, Sirius breathing picked up immediately.

Not scared. He could sense it, smell it, feel it. Definitely not scared.

Sirius head fell back and he looked at Remus, the way he always did, but for the first time Remus wasn't sure if he knew what the other one saw anymore.

'Beautiful' he'd said.

He felt bad for even considering Sirius a liar, and yet ... It was difficult to comprehend.

A hand snuck onto his waist, under his shirt, setting his skin on fire where they touched. He tensed up. But Sirius' fingers never hesitated, over no scar or knot or string of muscle.

Suddenly Sirius gave a tug, pulling Remus into himself, and where they'd been close before they were pressed together now. Chest to chest.

Remus cupped Sirius' face, his thumb tracing the jawline, his hand half covering his throat. Just like before he could feel Sirius arch into the touch, pressing ever closer, his pupils dilated.

Only this time, Remus didn't run. Instead he pressed his lips to Sirius's who responded so eagerly it nearly took his breath away. Opening his mouth and licking into Remus'. Clawing into his back, pressing them so close they were basically touching head to toe.

They broke apart, panting heavily and then a blinding grin split Sirius' face.

"Moons, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this."

Remus raised a sceptical eyebrow. "To snog one of your best mates?"

"No," he said, more seriously, leaning his forehead onto Remus', "to make you mine Moony."